Pyramid begins with Abby gushing about them being national champions and whatnot, the same old drinking game lines she always recites. Along with beating Crazy Cathy. So she's very proud. I don't get why Paige still needs to show up to the pyramid because she's going to be injured for a while and it's not like she's going to be dancing anytime soon. Anyway, she's there and there's nothing to judge her on so whoop-de-doo. MADDIE is next on the bottom because she denied a chance to do a solo. Christi said something about it but I didn't catch what it was so it's probably just another recycled interview with her. Chloe rounds out the bottom because she's a tenth of a point loser and ruined Abby's goal of getting a clean sweep. Next time, she has to make mincemeat out of Justice. In the middle row, Brooke is there because she managed to do the whole bonnet thing correctly and Macks joins her because she won the duet with Kendall. Once again, I get all giddy because Nia is on the top for the second straight week in a row. Abby, again, says that it's not about the dancing but also about everything else. Nia's such a good noodle. Unfortunately, Jill-Cher ruins the moment by butting in about why isn't Kendall still on the pyramid when so deserves to be there. Abby, again, explains to her that she's only there as a sub for Paige. When Paige has healed, Kendall's off the team again. Jill-Cher's response to this is "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS THREE WEEKS AGO?!" Probably because you didn't let her by screaming on and on trying to get Kendall back on the team. Meanwhile, Kendall is crying. Also, because you left the team, remember? Jill-Cher continues to make an ass out of herself by sidestepping her being a horrible woman by trying to apologize to Ken with "I'm sorry I put you through all this!" Should of thought of that before you signed up for this shitshow. Abby explains that the teamwork is all about commitment. And Jill-Cher is always ready to jump ship. And Abby doesn't want any more altercations between the moms. How about we laugh that one out?
There's no competition this week as it's the 2012 ALDC recital... weird. Last year she called it the (somewhat less juvenile) showcase. Nevertheless, it's still very important to Abby because this not only shows all the pieces Abby has created for the companies of her studio (Elite, Teen, Senior, and, I'm guessing, Competing) but it's also a way to bring in new students interested in joining the studio. But, since this show is nothing without a new dance piece (believe it or not, there is dancing in this show!), Abby has decided to create a *cringe* hip-hop piece that even she would rather not be doing. It's called "Light my Fire" and everyone would rather have the idea of doing a hip-hop routine go up in flames. Maddie's sort of excited but says that none of them can "either hip OR hop". To add on to this fuckery, Paige is told she might be capable of doing this routine but Kelly is very skeptical and worried. She immediately tells Abby that they need to get the doctor's approval first and Abby is aware of that, which translates to "YEAH RIGHT!" Kelly says that the doctor said she can't dance for at least 4 weeks, and it's only been three weeks, so it might not be happening. Oh, and Abby wants Kelly to call up some of her classmates from back in the day, despite the fact that Kelly lost contact with them since she quit the studio years ago. Abby also announces that, at the end of the recital, there will be scholarships awarded to one person from each level. I say that it's always going to be a competition with this woman but I'm thankful that none of the moms make a huge stink out of it.
The hip-not rehearsals are underway and Abby says that part of the reason she's having them do this is to prove that this studio can do it all. So why is SHE the one teaching them this? In the Mom holding cell, Kelly tells the others that her girls hate hip-hop and Paige looks like a wet noodle when dancing. She also says she's skeptical about calling up her old classmates because she doubts that any of them will remember her. And, if they did, they'll be like "THAT BITCH?" Meanwhile, Abby calls Paige over. Allegedly, Paige has been able to cartwheel and attempting to do acro in the boot and irritating the balls off of Abby by walking up and down the bus. Oh good gravy, who cares! Holly can't stand concert time because there's added stress of doing multiple routines in rapid succession (dressing at that speed is no party, I can vouch for that), how everyone is basically running on fumes, and she compares it to a root canal. Jill-Cher has to squeeze in living vicariously through Kendall at this moment and how she deserves to be on the squad again but Kelly screeches that she auditioned, Jill-Cher screwed it up for her, and now she has to audition again. Jill-Cher brings up Brooke's cheerleader-gate but Kelly tells her that Brooke was given permission to do that from Abby. So I guess she could have returned to the team if cheerleading didn't work out. Christi mimes shooting herself in the head, and I think that's the only unscripted thing we've seen on this show so far.
The next day, Madame Leslie Rose and Jill-Cher have conveniently parked next to each other. Immediately, Leslie takes it upon herself to tell Jill-Cher what she doesn't know already and to watch her back. Leslie says she thought it would be for the best to tell her this before they chew her up and spit her out. Leslie also brings up how they talk about their husbands and Jill-Cher cannot believe that Leslie is saying this random nonsense. It gets even weirder when Leslie tells Jill-Cher the story about how she met Melissa's boyfriend during a Halloween episode years ago where they went to a drug store to pick up some specific Halloween bags and, lo and behold, Melissa tells Leslie that "this is the man [she] is in love with." WTF?! Just when this show couldn't get any more confusing, Leslie spits that out with the worst timing ever. Jill-Cher confessionalizes that Leslie is acting like an immature baby and that these moms are not better than mean girls. Does this include herself? In the end, Jill-Cher is only concerned about
The snowball of confusion continues to roll down the hill as country-hick music tells us we're in Ohio. For some very strange reason or another, Crazy Cathy has managed to secure tickets to Abby's showcase but has no idea who sent them to her. She discusses this with one of the Apple Moms and asks if they should even go to see how awful it is compared to hers. I can only imagine how awful Cathy's recitals are compared to Abby's... on second thought, let's not go through the pain. I mean, the Crapples have actually won 1st at other competitions, but in other categories Abby's are almost never entered in (like Large groups) and the pieces themselves definitely don't look like Cathy choreographed them. I think it's time she retired. Anyway, Cathy is both mystified by the tickets and hysterical because they're paper printout tickets! Gee, Cathy, the wonders of the internet really blow your mind, don't they? What does she do, inlay her tickets with gold? The random Crapple mom says she's up for a good laugh.
More hip-hop rehearsal shows that this piece is getting more worse by the second. The showcase is important to Abby because her reputation is on the line. Isn't that why this show was made? Soon, she blathers how the girls don't know hip-hop and something else but since these girls are normally seen doing acro most of the time, why would they? Kelly informs us that Paige is allowed to walk BUT NOT DANCE. So she's doing the dance from the waist up. Ooookay then, that's pretty dumb. Now the reason for Abby's choice of genre is because she wanted to incorporate Paige in the number, which is possibly one of the dumbest things she's ever done on this show so far (THE dumbest was doing the Showgirls number. You know, the one that's been banned from being shown ever since?). Christi calls her insane for trying to incorporate
Refresher rehearsals are underway as Christi tells us that most of the pieces we see on the show (or not) are sometimes learned in only a day so the girls have to work even harder just to remember them. Here, the girls are rehearsing the Homeless girl number, "Trapped." I actually liked this number, even if the actual footage of Maddie getting stuck in Brooke's hair wasn't shown for the show (more reality manipulation. Lifetime, give it a rest!). Abby tells the girls (or us, who knows really) that the number was called "Trapped" partly because of the song (no shit, Sherlock) but this time is going to be special. Abby wants to teach Maddie the lesson of consequences for turning down Abby and that having a featured part is a privilege. So she's switching her with (the similarly dressed) Chloe for the homeless girl part. Christi is excited that Chloe can get the opportunity to do featured parts (what about that whole "Rich Girls" dance?) and that if Maddie can get scholarships out of the wazoo at competitions, why can't Chloe? Chloe says she's nervous (of course) but she's taking this opportunity by the horns while Maddie is a bit bummed for losing out on the part because she didn't want to do the solo.
It's now the dress rehearsal (or, at least, it should be ONE OF the dress rehearsals) at the venue. Abby is up in the light booth, running cues with the light guy and communicating with Gia! and the stage crew to get things running smoothly. There's going to be lots of routines, which brings lots of quick changes and tons of frivolity. Abby recaps that, at the end of the concert, the scholarships (which apparently have never been done before) will be presented. After seeing the senior company rehearse for a bit, Abby goes into the mom dressing room (which looks like a blackbox theatre really) with the rest of the hip hop costumes, which include red shorts and hats. They don't have enough time to bedazzle them now so the girls will rehearse in their black leotards. In comes Payton from another piece as Abby tells her to change into something different for the rehearsal. Payton tells us that she's in FIFTEEN PIECES (I'm amazed) this year so quick changes for her are going to be ridiculous. Keep in mind, these are fifteen completely different costumes, unlike the fifteen changes my dad bitched and moaned about when we were in the producers, where half the time the changes were usually just a coat or there was plenty of time between numbers (I, however, had about 11, was dancing most of the time, AND was dressing other people on top of that. AND I DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE). I can imagine that ALDC changes are rapid fire. Anyway, Payton doesn't know how she's going to manage it all. Meanwhile, Kelly says that Paige's boot is broken because of Abby's ignorance so now her foot is in jeopardy.
Leslie hasn't done anything bitchy and over the line in the past few minutes, so she barges into the light booth to talk to Abby about the show's lineup. And it's not, "I'll knock on the door politely and see if she has time to chat". No, she BARGES in, door swinging open and everything. Abby can't believe Leslie has the audacity to go into the light booth WHILE SHE'S WORKING to talk about something Abby is going to take care eventually. After some lineup talk where Leslie refuses to comprehend English, Abby kicks her out and asks one of the booth guys to make a sign saying "NO PARENTS!" for the door. Like that'll stop Leslie.
The hip-hop rehearses and Abby yells at Busted Foot Paige for, among all other things, FOOTWORK. Just how stupid is she? Kelly announces her concern (by shouting in the theatre, so Abby can hear her in the booth) for Paige's foot, that she looks like an idiot dancing in the number, and that the dance is stupid. She says that Paige doesn't even have to be in it. Abby wants the girls to run it again and Paige to rest quickly. Suddenly, when Abby wants them to start, Paige isn't there and Gia! comes out to tell Abby that Paige can't stand up. Uh, if she's on a headset, why did she run out to say this? As Paige is given ice for her foot, Kelly decides to step up. Abby gives her many ridiculous options, the only smart one being TAKE HER OUT OF THE DANCE, since she has no time to re-choreograph. Kelly decides to take Paige out. But Leslie has to shit on this parade and bring up rehearsals and why didn't anyone speak up before then. Surprisingly, Paige tells her that she did speak up but Leslie rudely tells her something along the lines of "YEAH, ONCE!" Who let this woman breed? Then she begins to attack Kelly's parenting skills, prompting the two to argue about the piece and something about videotaping it. Kelly can't deal with Leslie right now and says it's none of her business. Nope, Leslie really fucks up big time and cruelly says that Kelly needs to add yet another meeting to her schedule, AA and therapy. This sets Kelly off and they get into a huge screaming match. Leslie confessionalizes that the women are brutal liars. Yes but you're no Mary Sunshine yourself.
Flushed with rage, Kelly refuses to be in the same room with Leslie and storms out. Melissa appears to storm out as well, but it's really just to check on Kelly and see what's up with her, along with Christi, both who are wearing exercise clothes. Kelly says she's taking her kids home, with Paige limping to the car, and she asks Melissa to fetch Brooke. While being intercut with scenes of Leslie still running her mouth to a suicidal-looking Jill-Cher, Kelly tells Christi and Holly how everything Leslie claims about her is totally untrue (Christi vouched for that on Twitter). Melissa relays the news of Kelly leaving to Leslie, while Kelly calmly drives off with her less-than-concerned kids in tow and without Christi or Holly protesting her decision. This is a complete contrast to the bumper from last week where it appears that she's flooring her car out of the parking lot, completely livid. And the footage of Leslie being restrained by the production team? WHERE WAS THAT?! I wanted to see her comeuppance!
Anyway, Leslie once again barges into the light booth (told ya that sign wouldn't work) to relay all of this to Abby. Abby confessionalizes that Kelly better remember about her kids' contracts and that they BETTER be at that concert tomorrow (because I totally forgot all of this was at a rehearsal). In one of the strangest cuts this show ever has shown, the following scene is of Kelly treating the moms out for a night on the town because, for some unknown reason, Leslie won't be in the same dressing room any more. BUT WHY?! HUH?! This makes no sense! Did something happen off camera that we didn't know about? WHERE IS THAT FOOTAGE!!! Since the rest of us are screaming, let's turn to the portion of the episode known as DANCE MOMS GONE WILD! At the club, the moms drink, dance, engage with strippers (not Holly, of course), ending with Jill-Cher being the nasty one to take a dollar out of one of the male stripper's spanky pants. With her mouth. Oh, that'll be endearing.
It's the day of the concert, filled with Melissa's excitement and the return of the Hylands. Melissa says that she knows the kids would've been disappointed if the Hyland sisters didn't show up. Abby, naturally, ruins the moment by chastising Brooke for missing cues the other day. Abby vows to not let the "crazy mothers" ruin this day. Sure. As showtime nears, and contrary to Cathy wanting to count the empty seats, we're shown that the showcase is SOLD OUT! As the frenzy backstage occurs, Crazy Crapple Cathy and her team (seriously, I don't care if those girls claim to be "Eleven", they really look like high school seniors/bar hoppers) arrive. Cathy is just expecting it to be just one number after another. Well, duh, Captain Stupid, that's kind of the point of these things, unless it's a specific theme (like, say, 7 sins, or the elements, like my high school alma mater has done in the past. And were FANTASTIC). Abby says there's a bunch of her colleagues (and Cathy) in the audience so the pressure's on. Paige is going to be in the hip-not piece after all, so Abby expects her to hit it hard.
After some pieces, it's the moment of truth for the hip-hop piece, where Cathy's not expecting a grandmaster slam. And... ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh it is so so so baaaaad... Cathy says that Abby can't mask the JAZZ dancing as hip-hop, but I doubt the Crapples could do any better so she can stop right there. Christi's a bit more accurate by saying, "Pittsburgh, if you want to learn hip-hop, DON'T COME HERE." Well said dearie. After the number, Abby berates them but I think it's kind of pointless whenever she does that because it's not like they're going to be DOING it again anytime soon. And I pray to God they don't.
It's now time for "Trapped." Abby needs Chloe to convince everyone she's homeless (so she's dressed like a hipster). Chloe only has a little bit of time to get ready but she hopes she doesn't mess up. Kendall, however, is having a bit of a meltdown because she doesn't think she has enough time to get ready. Jill-Cher is pretty much harassing her, asking her what's wrong (as Kendall is ripping her hair out) to which Kendall responds with an apt, "I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!" Kendall's a badass, y'all.
The "Trapped" goes as Christi says it's a catch 22: Chloe has a great opportunity but, since Maddie performed it originally, she's going to be compared to her. Cathy the Clueless is wondering why there aren't any backdrops (it could be because backdrops are kind of tacky and there's no time to keep changing them), but Abby is proud of Chloe of applying a correction regarding a lift she does with Brooke. Christi thought she was fabulous and I thought so too, especially since she didn't look like a meerkat. Cathy has seen enough and she believes it comes nowhere near her own concerts. Yeah, I don't think Abby's concerts could be any worse than Cathy's ridiculousness.
Somehow, rumors on the internet are saying that the two teachers are close friends, but I'm skeptical of that claim, especially with how dense Cathy is portrayed.
The concert is over and Abby congratulates the team. Jill-Cher sucks up again by giving her a bouquet of roses but Christi is sick of the gift giving. Again. At curtain calls, it appears that the competition team each get individual bows (including Kendall) and, for some reason, Brooke and Maddie are wearing sashes. I was so confused at first but then, upon a closer look, they appear to say "DEA National Champion" so I guess it's just title flaunting. Surprising no one, Maddie gets a scholarship but the sweetest moment of all is Holly's reaction when Nia wins a scholarship for being the most improved dancer in the studio. GO NIA!!!
At the end of the show, Abby has a soiree outside of the venue to celebrate and everyone's having a ball. There's a highlight of some of the alumni from 1985 and Kelly barely recognizes them. Abby has them dish about Kelly by listing things like "Was Kelly late? Annoying? Loud?" to which they enthusiastically shout "YES!!!" Kelly then asks, "Was Kelly fun?!" The alumni respond with crickets and Kelly makes it awkward by (drunkenly?) shouting "WHOOO!!"
Hey, there's some new people
NEXT WEEK: Kaya and Nicaya are on the team! And Kaya is prepared to hold her own against the moms, particularly Kelly. We'll see how she'll fare.
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