Dance Moms: The Children Have Gone to the Mental Ward

Previously on Dance Moms: It was the ALDC Concert/Showcase/Something performance! Abby tried (and failed) to choreograph a hip-hop piece. She forced Paige to dance, Maddie to lose her featured spot in "Trapped" to bestie Chloe, and handed out scholarships at the end of the program. Crazy Cathy was invited, made some snide remarks, and left to create bad imitations of Abby's work. A woman approaches Abby to join the company and I missed Project Runway and the on demand channel refuses to play it (STILL!!! GRAGGH!!!!)

At the pyramid, Abby congratulates the girls on a successful concert. She says that now Pittsburgh knows why they're NATIONALLY RANKED CHAMPIONS (in anything but hip-hop). It was a smashing success, but with horrible hip-hop. But, anyway, she stresses about the road to Nationals and this is where things get TOUGH. This week they're going to the iHollywood competition in Los Angeles. The last time they went (which no one mentions in this episode), Cathy decided to compete against them by pitting Vivi-Anne and Justice against Nia and Macks and Busted Ankle Taylor against Chloe (With THE SAME MUSIC!!!). Shocking no one but her one brain cell, ALDC wiped the floor with them and, thankfully, they aren't around this time. Abby goes on to say that this competition is a BIG deal and it's VERY important. These are the drinking phrases for the night. And that they're going up against the big guns, because California dancers are right up there with New York (whoop whoop!) dancers.

Paige is at the bottom of the worst idea ever invented for television because she really couldn't do too much with the boot. Yawn. Next is Brooke because hip-hop isn't her thing (hip-hop isn't doing these girls any favor. Give it up). Macks follows because while she looked like one of the "big girls", the hip-hop choreography was a bit over her head. Nia is in the middle for winning the "Most Improved" scholarship but is reminded to not rest on her laurels (that's pretty hard to do since Abby shreds that joy in pieces with criticism. Unless you're Maddie). Chloe is next for doing a great job in "Trapped" and Maddie's on top for winning the scholarship in her age division. Kendall still hasn't earned a spot on the pyramid YET, which Jill-Cher bitches about in her confessional by saying Abby is only doing this to torture her... and Kendall. Nice save there.

This week, Mackenzie and Nia (squee!) are doing solos and Abby wants to give another girl a solo but can't decide who so she asks, "WHO WANTS A SOLO?!" The editing shows a very confused Maddie and Chloe meekly raising their hands (I guess the Hyland girls didn't want to be berated this week) and, to still teach Maddie a lesson in "Don't fuck with Abby", Chloe wins the solo spot, but Abby warns that it could be given to Maddie at any given second. Whatever. The group dance is going to feature everyone, including Kendall. Kelly's worried because Paige's foot hasn't been cleared by the doctor, and that appointment's tomorrow. The group number is titled, "I Can See the Kite Flying" and before you can wrap that one around your head, Abby says it's important to the company. Why is that? The song is another creepy poem performed by the same guy who was used for the Children of the Corn dance, "Where have All the Children Gone?" Which is pronounced. "WHERE.... Have All.... the Children......................................... GONE." It's basically going to be the next step in this missing children journey, with the same dark undertones, but now the kids are in an insane asylum. Oh goodie! I love a good crazy person dance! Abby believes that it could be like its predecessor, which is a BIG winner. Brooke makes an attempt to explain the group dance, which involves the inmates seeing a kite, or at least they think they can see a kite, and are trying to catch it. But then she remembers her human qualities and ends the interview with, "I don't know really! *laughs*". Holly reiterates that Abby does "weird" extremely well and this is no exception. She also sarcastically says that no one in L.A. will be doing a number like this. Points for Holly.

It's time for our front desk moment with Gia! Today, Kaya, the Korto Momolu look-a-like from the previous episode from St. Louis, is here to see Abby about seeing Nicaya is fit to join the team. Abby has no idea just who exactly are these two, but she DOES know that they're from a colleague's studio. Maybe Nicaya is just what she needs! Kaya goes through the trial Mom meeting and the meeting's typical of those from the past: Melissa sucks up, Holly's gracious, Kelly's bitching about Abby bringing in new people, and Christi's a Popsicle: Cold with a big ol' stick shoved up her butt. Lighten up! Melissa wants to know about Kaya's thoughts on the concert and Kaya wastes no time in showing that she's not here to play. She says that the technical skills of the girls are great, but they're definitely not entertainers. Christi points out the obvious that Kaya's opinionated. Kaya confessionalizes that the girls lack "divatude". The Dance Moms have no idea what that means, but I do, even when she explains it as knowing you have "it" and none of these girls ('cept maybe Nia) have "it". I like her already.

Nicaya is brought over to the barre so Abby can see her ballet technique. Not like THAT matters because most of her work is acro-heavy anyway. Abby wants to see if she knows the terminology but Maddie says that while it's nice to have new girls try out, she doesn't want anyone to join NOW. Like Vivi-Anne back in season 1, Nicaya is unable to do any acro but she does seem skilled enough to join. Abby, however, is skeptical that Kaya might only be doing this just to get on television a competing team. Somewhere in here, one of the moms asks about her jacket, which bears the name "Black Patsy." Um, odd? Also, she says something about Nicaya joining the team NOW. Then, she's told to come down to have a word with Abby. The moms wish her luck, which she responds, "I ain't scared of her!" With her out of earshot, the moms immediately bitch about her. Abby whines about Nicaya's lack of terminology but Kaya believes that isn't relevant. All she wants is her daughter to dance. Anyway, Abby asks if she can come back tomorrow. Sure! Christi is flummoxed by Abby bringing in new people, and just when things couldn't get crazier. On this show? Ridiculous! In the dressing area (?), Kaya thinks that Nicaya having to SPELL these terms is complete and utter bullshit. To her daughter. She's one tough broad. I'd go drinking with her. But Kaya's going to be smart and "play her game" and make sure her kid spells these terms. Because spelling has everything to do with writhing around on the floor like a crazy person.

At Kelly's house, Brooke is singing her song, "Summer Love Song" on her webcam with Paige, who's bopping around in the background. In the confessional, Paige attempts to beatbox after saying she'll be singing back up. Two seconds after posting their video, they're getting hits! Well, two but still. They high five each other. This is the closest thing to normal this show is ever going to get, and it's a shame really. But Lifetime likes pointless drama, so let's get back on the crazy train.

It's a new day as the team comes into the dressing area and Kendall asks about the new girl. The moms dish about "Black Patsy" before Kaya and Nicaya enter to a rather cold room. Holly can feel the tension as Kaya strolls past the moms as Nicaya warms up with the others. The girls ask her if there's a nickname she'd like to go by and she tells them to call her "Nini."

Not this Nini.

Kendall makes a joke about calling Nia "Laquifa" from now on and the girls laugh. Kaya, because she has no idea where this originated from, looks less than amused.

It's time for the group rehearsal and Kelly hopes Paige will be cleared for the dance this week since it'll take an additional week or so for her to get use to being bootless. Kaya decides to break the ice and asks if any of the moms work during the week. Only Holly can respond with, "Well, I USED to." and, I probably missed this, Christi had to sell her business. Kaya lets them know that she's a single mom with FOUR kids and, unsurprisingly, her last relationship ended because of dance. She's no Latrice Royale but she's got guts. And somewhere in this exchange, Kaya outs herself as a lesbian, which blows the moms out of the water. She confessionalizes that it's like they've never MET a lesbian before. Then, to bounce back, one of the moms asks about the "Black Patsy" moniker. Kaya says it's in tribute to Patsy Ramsey, the mother of Jonbenet Ramsey, who was, allegedly, one of the craziest stage moms out there. Sweetheart, her name is Mama Rose and her kid wasn't the center of a murder investigation. Kelly interviews that she would never want to be associated with Patsy. There's a bit more group rehearsal and Kelly fetches Paige to take her to the doctor's, where Abby wishes her the best of luck.

Time for the solo montage, starting with Chloe rehearsing "Glitz and Glamor". Abby says that it's going to represent the NEW Hollywood: Piercings, tattoos, stepping over others to get ahead, alcohol, jail time, outrageous arguments, trying to pass cocaine as bubblegum, eating disorders, the works. Because that's totally Chloe. Abby also says that Chloe has a target on her back, though I don't think it's because of those LA kids. I think it's because Abby wants to kill her. We're back to the group with Abby yelling at the girls to not land so loudly (well, if you didn't focus so heavily on acro routines...). Paige waltzes into the room sans boot! She's been cleared to dance, but she can't do tricks and has to remain limited in movement. Abby hears none of this. This is followed by some more desk time with Abby asking Kaya to fill out some paperwork. Kaya asks if Abby is taking a chance on Paige since she was just injured. No, she's taking a chance on her because she's been at the studio since she was three. So, does this mean she's good or not? Kaya is getting pissed because Paige barely has the routine down and Nini has it memorized already. Arguments arise about auditions and Abby asks them if they would go to Cali, even if they weren't going to dance. Sure they would. Kaya will do whatever it takes to get Nini on the team. Kaya, you can't suck up any more than Jill-Cher did.

The next day, Kaya has invited the moms to lunch to get to know them a bit better. The moms still call her Patsy and still can't get over her being a lesbo. Melissa breaks the ice by asking her why she made the switch from women to men. Kaya's gaydar is picking up some odd vibes from Melissa because she's being "really friendly". Complete with confused face. Maybe Mel is a bigger mattress than I thought? Some more time goes by, Kaya calls them "crazy dance moms", Jill-Cher surprised by how Kaya is getting her kid on the team after a few days when Jill-Cher screwed her kid over by being a bitch for god knows how many weeks, and so on. Christi thinks it's unnerving that Kaya's doing this and Holly finds this lunch very bizarre. So she asks Kaya just who IS she. Kaya, however, says she doesn't give a damn about them.

Nia rehearses her solo some time later. It's inspired by Josephine Baker and it's done to a song that's nothing but scatting. Cool! In the Mom Booth, Dr. Holly gives the moms a history lesson by saying Josephine was pretty much the Beyonce of her day. Abby demonstrates a move for Nia, which involves gyrating, and she is NO Josephine Baker or Beyonce. I need a mental brillo. Macks is doing an acro routine (what else?) called "Hollywood" for obvious reasons. It seems that Abby is very musicality focused today. Macks loves the solo because she loves Hollywood.

We're back to the very important group that Abby loves so much... well, except for Paige and Nini being boring. She keeps switching them back and forth to see which girl will work better. Kelly just wants to know who exactly is on the team here. She's concerned because most of the turns occur on Paige's busted foot and hopes she'll take it easy. Upstairs, Paige goes to Kelly, who tells her to speak up when necessary. Then Kelly bitches about Paige being ripped out of the group. Paige sits out of this rehearsal and Abby warns her that if it's still bothersome at the competition, she's out of the number. Kelly wants to knock someone out so she politely excuses herself... to go and scream and cry obscenities in the lobby. Abby says she keeps bringing in new moms and kids because of behavior like Kelly's. I can see that, but why are they always crazy people? After some more mom fighting, Abby brings down the moms for a chat. Kaya states that she hopes Nicaya will replace "Brokeback Brooke or Pegleg Paige". As mean as that way, I thought that was pretty clever. Points of Kaya. Another screaming match erupts between Kaya and Christi and then Jill-Cher, Christi, and Melissa leave. Kaya giggles at the ridiculousness. Abby says that Kaya is totally ready to go with them but she's not making any promises about the group. And that she better watch her mouth. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

The team flies out to California for iHollywood. Abby is excited to be here, calling it an opportunity, but she's been so busy with other things, she hasn't thought about the whole Nini group routine thing. She also wants to know about Kelly's random outburst the other day. Kelly's whining that Abby only is judging Paige for marking it the whole time when, OBVIOUSLY, she's not going to ON STAGE. Abby has no idea why there's more fighting that usual and Kaya calls Kelly out on her tantrum. Kelly tries to pull a Melissa and denies it, and of course it doesn't work. Abby is aware that Kelly thinks Nini is going to replace Paige, when it wasn't even her intention to do so. In all this, Christi has had enough, tries to block it out, and focus on Chloe, because the more she's going to focus on this dumb argument, the less time Chloe has to rehearse. Nia's "20's Scat" piece, to Holly, might be her most mature piece yet so she's super nervous.

Chloe's a bit nervous because she's up against LA girls this time. They're way fiercer but she won't let them get in her way. Her song sounds like something Nancy Sinatra might of made. Chloe stumbles a bit in the beginning but she does pretty swell after that. Abby, of course, doesn't miss the mess up but she recovered with her turn sequence. Christi thought some parts were brilliant and others were not up to snuff.
Nia follows her and she's veeeeeeeerrry nervous dancing this piece because scatting doesn't have the typical beat to count to as most other songs do, so she hopes she can pull it off. Her costume is gorgeous and fits the theme. I think Abby, or Holly, or me, says it's simply fleeting and, in the end, she makes it her own. Most like, this is Abby talking. I found it to be very stunning. Holly calls her kid a mini goddess and that Josephine Baker would've been very proud. Agreed. Abby basically repeats Christi's critique with the Nationals thing at the end.
Macks' hopes her solo will go well since they're in Hollywood and everything. Her costume is pretty weird and Melissa says she's energetic. BUT IT'S THE SAME DAMN CHOREOGRAPHY SHE'S BEEN DOING SINCE DAY ONE. Abby says she did a great job and did everything that pleases her, but every so often Macks' would be ahead of the music.

In the dressing room, Abby freaks out over who may or may not be in the group. Kaya believes Nini might replace Paige and everyone is afraid of that. Paige may have years of training but Nini learned it in 24 hours. Nini finally gets a confessional in the episode where she says that she'll be very sad if she traveled all this way for squat. So she approaches Abby to know, for sure, if she's dancing. Brave kid. So Abby's gonna run the routine one more time and who can't keep up will be cut. Kelly's pissed because Abby's still playing "mind games" but I'm still confused because don't these competition people need to know who's in the routine days beforehand? She has Paige, Nini, and, for some reason, Macks run the routine. For Abby, Paige is bland, Nini isn't impressing her much because she's new, and I'm guessing Macks was at risk as well. Kelly says that she will flip out if Paige is cut, but then again she flips out over the silliest little things so whatever, Kelly. Well, it doesn't matter because Abby announces that they will ALL dance. That was a killjoy. Abby is nervous for Paige because her foot is still sore. And then it's GAME FACES, PEOPLE! Nini is nervous but she wants to prove to Abby that she can hang with this team.

Last time Abby did a number like this, it won hands down (and creeped everyone out). Oh, did you know that this is important for the NATIONALS?! Christi throws some shade about the piece, saying that the girls really are using their best dance abilities, which is imitating Tourettes and punching themselves in the face. In the audience (and at home), the moms (and myself) have no idea what to make of this American McGee's Alice rip off, but Holly wins for accuracy.

"What the fudge is this?"

Paige and Nini did okay for Abby but, today, they did good enough. In my opinion, after finding the whackjob poem and watching this, I really didn't like it. It lacked the punch WHTCG had and the poem just repeats the words "sky" and "blue" too many times.

It's time for the awards, starting with the mini/petite/8 and under/midget category. Macks places third, and Melissa lets us know a lyrical number beat her. Because expressive movements definitely outshine the same three tricks over and over again. She doesn't really sound too upset by this. For the Junior awards, Nia lands in 10th place (huh?) and Chloe places 5th. Holly says something along the lines of Nia could've walked out and performed Shakespeare and it would've been the same caliber. Abby says that these girls need to do WAY better. For some reason, I hold my breath when the groups are announced. Second is called and it's not them and then, shocker! They win! Abby's relieved. But the joy stops when Nini is handed the mic to announce who choreographed and all that crap.

Abby makes a huge shit about this in the dressing room, saying Nini had a lot to say on the mic (you mean your name and studio? Sounds like a mouthful). Kelly's still on her "Woe is me, Paige could be replaced" kick but Kaya is well aware that she's not. Kelly ignores her like the rude woman that she is, saying stuff like, "I think there's a person talking" which Kaya fires back with "KAYA was talking!" More piss match leads to Kaya saying something along the lines of not calling Kelly a slew of four lettered words but she's trying to be respectful (too late). And all respect I had for her gets flushed when she pulls the "I'm BLACK" card and calling out Holly for not standing up for her "sister". Holly's ticked off by that comment and says that she would never rest on her ethnicity as an excuse. She has all 50 degrees to back her up and that she's "DR. HOLLY to you!" I'll forever love Holly. Jill-Cher managed to get the duct tape off her mouth so she jumps down Kaya's throat with some nonsense, but Kaya calls it as she sees it. She then calls Christi "phony" and a bitch. Christi responds, "You don't know ANYTHING, BIIIIIITCH." Seriously, these days, I doubt "bitch" is as offensive as, say, "Dyke", "C*nt", "Politics", etc. Kaya gets up and leaves, because she's from the hood and will knock a bitch out. No arguments there.

Next time: More Nationals talk. Maddie asks for a solo but is denied by Abby, causing her to cry. Brooke records her song, with the team as back up. Lots of Paige drama. And I don't think I saw Kaya or Nini anywhere in sight.