First, I didn't notice that Jill-Cher was the mom who ushered the kids out last week. Second, where the hell did the chiropractor footage come from? Seriously, no one watches those "extra" (read: Deleted) clips on Lifetime.
It's a brand new episode and Kendall is back in the lineup. Abby gushes over the "clean sweep" at the competition last week and that the judges definitely know who this team this. Uh, didn't she say last week that they're on the pamphlets and magazines? So, I'm pretty sure they know who they are already. Your shit don't stink. Speaking of Kendall, she's still a guest on the team, and she's going to be until both Jill-Cher and little Maureen Cummings WANT to be on this team for LIFE (which, according to Jabba the Lee, ends at 18).
Pyramid time starts with Brooke for copping out of her solo because of her intense pain. Abby's faux concern is tarnished by her screaming at Brooke for not wanting to dance through the pain. So she's on the bottom for not speaking up. Of course, we know that even if she did, Abby would care more about her dance than her student's welfare. For some really weird reason, Paige is next, and since she can't dance for the next month or so (or, according to Abby, "next week") so she's just gonna stick around and write down terminology in her notebook. Kelly notes that it's kind of strange that Paige is marginally higher on the pyramid and she can't even dance for while. WEIRD. Mackenzie, who somehow turned 8, rounds out the bottom because, allegedly, she had a meltdown backstage last time with footage of Abby scolding her. Maddie is in the middle, and she looks confused to be there, because she needs higher goals to attain and not just wins. Coming from the woman who says winning is everything, you should rub it in others' faces, and other nonsense. Chloe is next because she did okay in the group, outstanding in the group, but she needs to be more intense. This means that NIA is on the top. She's like the breath of fresh air for the group. She's up there for pretty much the same reasons she was up there last time, which is that she works hard. Holly says that they're both aware that the top isn't an expectation but getting there is a good thing. However, along with being on top, Nia gets to be the "dance captain" this week (translation: Not only did Abby not want to choreograph a solo for her, but she needs something to yell at her this week.) which, according to Nia, is the watered down version of Jabba the Lee: She gets to apply corrections but puts it on them lightly, among other duties.
The competition this week is a Starbound competition in Myrtle Beach. Aside from the standard group, Kendall and Macks will be doing a duet, Chloe will have a solo but Maddie won't (DRAMA!). The group dance is called "Taken", the basis is that there's a different girl in a different color within a group of bland girls dressed and who dance the same. The bland girls want to be the different girl but know it's not a possibility, so they force the different girl to be a part of their group. Basically, it's a thinly veiled dance about Abby's mindset regarding Maddie. Christi is worried because Abby always wants a clean sweep, and without the saving grace of Maddie, Chloe's just going to get even more pressured put on her this week. Same old, same old. Jill-Cher says that Kendall belongs on the team and that Abby "invited" them to the pyramid this week. I'll bet. Abby tells Kendall she's a very lucky girl but admonishes her for going to the Crapple's because her technique has worsened and, like many other times this episode, reminds her that she's a GUEST on the team.
The group theme might be just a smidge tough for the girls to get this week so, obviously, Maddie gets to be the oddball girl. Abby tries to pass off that Maddie has the "facial expressions" to portray the girl to the judges. I know that's a big fat lie because my dad says Maddie has a face of the horse. In Mom-Land, Christi is, to the surprise of no one, displeased with the group number, although she calls it a "cult" which immediately gives the routine its name for the episode, and that if anyone is different, Abby will suck you into her nonsense. The moms dish about it, but they all basically talk on top of one another, so the only one with a valid point is Kelly, saying that it's yet another piece about Maddie. Well, Melissa McBitch gets all pissy-pants about THAT while Christi says that they always celebrate the kids' victories but not Melissa (unless it's Maddie). As the two get into a screaming match, the girls are edited to look like they're watching and hearing the whole thing. Maturity levels are pointed out about how Melissa doesn't talk about the other girls, as we get evidence from when she ratted out Chloe missing class (due to doctor's orders), more bickering about Melissa lying like it's her job, and then Christi brings up Melissa's married
The moms then tell clueless Jill-Cher about how this is how Melissa functions, with Holly leading the way, since she's clearly the voice of reason. She says that she may be annoying, but Melissa is definitely a smart woman. It's why she issued those cease-and-desist papers last time. Meanwhile, Mother of the Year forces poor Macks to get her purse from the booth. Macks is crying because the moms are talking about Melissa and that she doesn't want her to leave the studio. This bounces off Melissa and she abandons her kids at the studio. Again.
With only two days until the competition, Abby is stressed for time. However, she's pissed because Melissa has now flat out refused to bring Maddie or Mackenzie to the studio, probably knowing that Abby won't give her much shit because it's Maddie and all. Jill-Cher immediately is plotting for Kendall to get on the team but, seriously, homeslice is no Maddie. After a brief discussion over the lantern prop for Chloe's solo, Abby realizes there's no Zieglers present. Fantastic for her.
No time to get into that because we have to check in Ohio with the Crazy Crapple. She has "top secret news" (guess what? Your kids are old enough to not be spoken to like 3 year olds), which is, of course, announced on national television. The Crapples are headed off to the same Starbound competition! Last time, the ALDC wasn't so nice to Cathy (and since when has anyone ever been "nice" to each other on this show? Dance-teacher wise anyway) so, of course, she's in to win. While the nation laughs that out of their system, Cathy says she's brought back the "M&Ms" (the gay guys from a few weeks ago), as well as a new(er) boy. Guess the blonde
Back in PA, Abby pushes on with the group rehearsal sans Maddie Blanche DuBois. She has Nia take on her dance captain role by counting off the dance while she panics, and Nia's doing a pretty solid job. Kelly comments how Jill-Cher is always trying to slither her way into the group while Christi says something about them not being able to handle the truth, and I think she meant either Melissa or Jill-Cher but, at this point, who cares really. At Camp Crapples, Drayson and Justice are doing a duet that seems ripped off from So You think You can Dance called "Promotion" to go up against Kendall and Macks (it almost makes no sense about how she found THAT out, but then again, Lifetime/Melissa/Jill-Cher/Starbound website told her). However, Cathy admits that it's not going well because
Over in PA, Abby has Dance Captain Supreme Nia call Maddie to see if she can get her butt over for rehearsal. Once again, Nia proves her brain power by saying that she has no direct power over if Maddie can get to the studio because SHE'S NOT HER MOM. (Never change, Nia). Nia relays that Melissa won't let Maddie go to the studio because she's mad at the moms. You're always mad at the moms, this isn't new. Obviously, with no Maddie, the piece makes absolutely no sense. Eventually, Mother of the Year drops her kids off but doesn't stay at the studio so Maddie can rehearse. Abby then yells at Maddie for missing most of the rehearsal and cannot believe how much time has been lost. Yawn yawn yawn.
Our front desk moment of the week involves Gia!, whom we haven't seen in a while. Well, she "discovers" that not only are the Crapples competiting at Starbound, but they're also in each category they're in! She becomes suspicious of the duet, since it's with two boys so she suspects one of them is a ringer, which Gia! agrees to. Now Jabba the Lee HAS to get Maddie to compete. Well, lookie, Melissa has decided to go into the studio today, doing the whole "oblivious" act she fails at so well, also saying that she doesn't have to be there. Christi brings up the double standard how Chloe misses rehearsal and she gets yelled at while Maddie misses rehearsal and nothing happens. Okay, that storyline is so last half-season.
Chloe's solo is titled "Leave the Light On", which involves the lantern from earlier. The lantern is used to find more light. Really? I never would have guessed! Of course, Jabba decides to throw a pile of shit on poor Chloe by saying she HAS to win because she's up against Justice. Meanwhile, besties Jill-Cher and Melissa chat about Abby wanting Maddie to do a solo so last minute and Melissa won't let her (shocker! She's standing her ground! But her being a bitch distracts this glowing moment). Jill-Cher agrees that that wasn't fair, but she has to sell Kendall some more by saying that if SHE was told to learn a solo the day before, she would've done it. Sorry, but your cloud of delusion is thicker than thick, Jill-Cher. Kendall's a sweet girl, but she's no Melanie Moore. Christi then laments on Abby's waning faith (if there's any left) in Chloe by saying that she might as well take Chloe's solo and have Maddie do it. Again, yawn yawn yawn.
Macks and her Snooki bump are here to describe the duet, an acro number (what else?) called "Reservations for Two". I was REALLY hoping it was a send up of "Midnight at the Oasis". THAT would've been gold. Unfortunately, it's not looking so good. But we don't spend too much time on them because Maddie Blanche DuBois is brought back in for a chat with Abster. She tells Maddie that she doesn't want to go there and not win but Maddie won't learn a solo because even she knows she can't learn that fast. It looks like Abby curses in front of Maddie here, but I know that there's no way she would do that in front of a child, no matter how much of an ignorant woman she is and how badly she should be arrested. Abby then confessionalizes that if Maddie doesn't compete and they lose, she's killing Melissa. YEAH! Do that! Then you can go to jail, Melissa would be gone, her kids would be freed and I'm thinking WAY too much ahead of this! Okay, come back down to Earth now... and I'm back. Melissa, naturally, doesn't care and storms out.
We arrive at Myrtle Beach, where Abby is worried because the competition is tough and the "crab apples" (her effort, though I panicked at the thought that they actually, by some odd chance or another, found these). Off topic: How come the stage looks way smaller here? On second thought, I won't bother with that one because, as someone who has traveled with a company over the summer, some venues have smaller spaces than others. The Crapples arrive and the ALDC moms grimace at hearing Cathy's voice from waaaaay beyond the green room. She must be one hell of a screecher. Abby brings Jill-Cher over to check out this Drayson kid to see if she has any idea who he is, which she allegedly doesn't. Cathy reveals that Drayson is a guest this week who doesn't compete with the studio regularly... so he's either one of the "300" dancers at the studio or an outside source. Elsewhere, Christi needs Chloe to believe in herself! But I'm sure she'll be fine anyway.
As always, Chloe is nervous, this time it's because she's up against the juggernaut that is Justice from the Apples. Of course, I love the song, her dancing, and I get the chills at the end. However, something just seemed very off about her performance this week. I wonder what it is. Christi cheers from the audience like a proud mommy but is worried because Justice is right after her. This week, Justice takes a cue from DMM's Lucas and is just dancing in shorts and no shirt. Will Cathy ever stop being a hack? And will Abby stop looking like she took a Quaalude? To be honest, I wasn't too too impressed with it, since all it was was a bunch of tricks, but he comes off as a "heavy" dancer. Abby notes she saw the same damn sequence NINE TIMES. Seriously, she should probably go to therapy for her OCD. I mean, no one cares how many times Paige needs to sit, or Macks was told to spit out her gum, and such. She says that Chloe may have a shot, but that requires faith in her, so she pisses about Melissa not letting Maddie do a solo this competition. Melissa is just sick of "Maddie" getting upset whenever the moms yell at Melissa. I'll bet.
It's time for the Cult Dance. The girls are Amish women this week and the only main issue Abby is freaking out this time is Brooke getting a bonnet on Maddie during the number. She does but I do catch Maddie saving herself by tightening the bonnet when her back is turned, buying some extra time. Good thinking, girls. The ending of the piece is really freaky, with Maddie looking more like a possessed cult member than an additional member of the group. Actually, there's not much of a difference there but that shit was creepy!
The Crapples continue their hacking spree in a Schoolgirl prostitot number titled "My Hair Like This". To be fair, they are covered up just a bit more than, well, every other slutty schoolgirl number out there, including some of the ALDC's pieces. The group enters the stage and, already, Crazy Cathy is SCREAMING from the audience to hold EVERYTHING (nothing has even happened yet, mind you). What's going on? Did ANOTHER girl injure herself? Someone throwing up?... no, the kids aren't bright enough to bring on a chair, especially since they've probably been working with one UP UNTIL NOW. Abby calls her students "irresponsible" for forgetting a frickin' folding chair that one of their choreographers has to bring on. Uh, spoiled? Stupid? Wtf? Anyway, after that dumb screw up, they finally dance, which just looks like a stripper routine. Vivi, as per usual, does nothing beyond sitting on a chair, and standing up. Then again, we only see 10 seconds of the routine so... well, I may as well just be right about Vivi-Anne doing nothing. FREE VIVI!!!!!!! Cathy feels pretty good about this piece. She's nuts.
Awards time finds that first and second place (by some coincidence being Chloe and Justice) are separated by 1/10th of a point... YET AGAIN. Chloe gets second and Justice gets first, causing Christi's heart to sink and me to cringe. Chloe is trying very hard to hide her disappointment... or maybe it's the stupid bonnet. Who knows, really. Abby's excuse is that the judges love seeing boys dance, so more boy winners mean more boy dancers in the future. Eh, I'll half-buy it. Thankfully, the Crapples get third and the FLDC gets first for groups! Yahoo! What a minute... what about duets? We'll find out later but first, Abby has to make an ass out of herself by knocking Chloe for being a "1/10th of a loser"... yeah that rolls off the tongue. Christi just wishes Abby could be PROUD of Chloe getting such a good placement but no, it's all about WINNING. Holly has no idea why Jabba is so freaked out over Cathy to begin with (they keep wiping the floor with her everywhere they go: Give it a rest!) but she really needs to chill out and calm down. But there's no time for that, because Abby is freaking out over the duets.
The Boys go first with their "Promotion" knock off and Abby is worried that they could win again simply because they're boys... but watching it, it just looks frenetic and all over the place and kind of bad. No one is impressed. So, let's see Ken and Macks' duet! It's actually kind of cute, not the best, but cute. At one point, Macks stumbles and take a header riiiiiiiiiight into Kendall's butt, causing me to burst out in laughter at home. Kendall's line this week is that it felt weird competing against Justice because he used to be a teammate of hers. At awards, the boys get second and the girls get first! YAY! Abby is thrilled with 2 out of 3, but screws up big time by saying, "You can blame Chloe for that." Because Chloe is a judge and choreographer of that routine. Darn her!
Continuing the fall from grace, Abby goes to rub it in Cathy's faces about the wins. Cathy is a bitter Betty and tells her that her girls are always doing fresh and new choreography, unlike Abby's girls (Need I remind you: Who is the one who keeps WINNING?). Nothing interesting beyond the dance teachers screaming at each other, probably setting up a climatic duel with Mackenzie against Vivi (I'll take the vegas odds on that one). Cathy tries to sound impressive by saying that Macks is only better because she's missing school half the time, which Melissa vehemently denies (I believe her here). Then, Cathy's brain malfunctions and the best insult she can come up with is "Take your technicolor ass out of here!" Classy, assy.
Next time: It's the ALDC showcase/concert! Abby attempts to teach the girls a "hip-hop" routine, which'll look whiter than whitewash. Madame Leslie Rose and Big Pimpin' Payton return (since she's part of the studio and all), the former making a huge shit for no reason, and Cathy showing up for no apparent reason other than to "count the empty seats". It's the one time there's no competition and she's still making a big deal out of it! GROW UP WOMEN!!! Oh wait, too late, Leslie's being held back by personnel as Kelly speeds off with her kids. Ooooh goody.
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