The show that took over my life this summer was Camp Rock, a musical based on the movies on Disney starring Demi Lovato (before she went to rehab) and the Jonas Brothers. At 23, I played Nate, the youngest brother of the fictional band Connect 3 (and, as such, was the only male in the entire cast who could legally drink. It was so weird). To keep things interesting (and probably barring me from a job with Disney for the rest of my life), I posted these statuses on Facebook as a running gag with the show (where characters, on their phones, would comment on what was to happen on certain days, starting with "Camp Rock: Day #"). Now, to stroll down memory lane:
Camp Rock: Day 1- Obligatory "Camp Rock Day Number" post has been posted. BRING IT ON, RUN.
And so begins a very, very long run that is to pay for my transportation to Brooklyn College. I was over it the second I said "Hi" to the musical director. 1 performance.
Camp
Rock: Day 2- Today, we sweat our asses off/try not to have heat strokes
in Heckscher Park. At least we won't be in a closet this time.
Heckscher Park is notorious for having productions in the roughest weather. It rained in the middle of the performance but the audience all stayed on. Even we sang in the rain. 2 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 3- I'm posting this now because I doubt I'll get a chance to
later on. Our first double day a.k.a. Depending on the kindness of
strangers (kidding) to give me a ride to locations.
The strangers were my friends. And, yes, they did give me rides to locations. 4 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 4- We're back indoors... for ONE show. JUST one today.
I believe this was our first Bellmore show. As you can tell, I was thrilled to be in air conditioning and doing just one show that day, what with performing at a BEACH the previous day. 5 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 5- Thanks to the sound guy, Camp Rock was closed FOREVER in this morning's performance.
Our usual sound guy was away so we had a temp. He didn't play Brown's voiceover where he announces that Camp Rock will continue next summer after all. 7 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 6- Is this week over yet?
This particular week was our first full week (excluding weekends) of Camp Rock shows. And I was getting quickly wiped out and frustrated. 8 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 7- THE WEEK IS OVER.
I was elated, especially since we had our best audience so far at Camp Anchor. 9 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 8- And it begins again. So
here's Alyson Stoner bringing back some classic Missy Elliott moves at a
Camp Rock concert.
Alyson Stoner played "Caitlyn" in the Camp Rock movies so the fact she used to be that little badass girl in those videos made the show slightly less unbearable. However, this particular location was indoors, with NO air conditioning. So there were puddles of sweat all over the stage, I dripped onto the floor too many times, and my clothes were drenched by the time it ended. Ugh... 10 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 9- 2 shows with a visit to Brooklyn College in between. My personal day from hell.
I had a follow up at BC between shows so I was all over the place that day. Didn't turn out to be that bad after all: I got to ride the double decker train to East Williston. 12 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 10- Double show at Wantagh saw me willingly throw myself into
dirt, Carrie stepping on my hand by accident AND ME NOT NOTICING, crack
induced songs (where the "Ride or Die, Bitch!" position was in full
swing), and the near-mortifying mistake where I almost revealed my
tattoo.
It's amazing that no one passed out at all during the day. And I think I was one of the few who managed to keep up with the band when they (most likely deliberately, as the other cast members gave them shit) during one particular speedy routine. We (the band and I) joked about it later while the other cast members, who I was distancing myself from more and more, bitched about it. 14 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 11- Dear YMCA, thank you for having air conditioning.
This had to be one of my favorite days. Before we started the show, the counselors were keeping the kids entertained by playing the Cha Cha Slide. We couldn't resist on the other side of the curtain. Along with a fun performance, we added a YMCA chant in lieu of our usual "CAMP ROCK!" 15 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 12- Nate sounded like he had an esophageal spasm during his song today.
Around this point, my throat was doing weird things to be during my big song, so it sounded like I was choking at some points. 16 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 13- If I managed to play 70 characters in Dora the Explorer AT
THE SAME TIME, then triple performances of Camp Rock should be a piece
of cake.
It was terrifying. We came close to cancelling the last show due to a horrendous storm that occurred at call time. By the time I got there, the storm was over and, as soon as I arrived at the performing space, everyone said I had brought the sunshine with me. 19 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 14- So out of it by the second show, I screwed up a line
MAJORLY and tried to pass it off. It's supposed to start "Uncle Brown
told me..."
What I said: "Axel Turner told me-- NO, Uncle Brown, not
Axel... it's the heat today... ANYWAY, Uncle Brown told..." Smooooooth.
I was probably still reeling from the day before, and we had a double show once again, both outdoors in the blazing sun. At least I caught myself and made a "Carol Burnett" moment out of it. 21 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 15- According to the show's plot (with plenty of holes to
drive a truck through), this should have ended yesterday.
In the script, the run of Camp Rock lasts fourteen days. But logic is for chumps. 23 performances
Camp Rock: Day 16- There's only one show. One FREAKIN' show. I don't know what to do with myself.
It was at CW Post. I think I was grateful once again that it was an indoor, FANCY theatre. 24 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 17 (?)- Pending if some numbnut does the rain dance or not.
Our venue that day was Eisenhower Park, where it's notorious for raining on days when we least expect it. Unlike other places, where the people stay or there's a rain date, this place doesn't do either of those things. Luckily, it didn't rain and I can finally say I performed here like some freakshow. 25 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 18- The unfortunate moment when, after trying to convince the
stage manager to fill in for someone who isn't there, and that someone
arrives, instead of cheers, they're greeted with "Damn it!"
One of the actors was running super late, and our stage manager, who pretty much knew the entire show at this point, was being pressured by the other cast members to do the part. However, the absentee finally arrives 15 minutes to curtain, to our dismay. 26 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 19- Give me the strength to get through this run. Preferably without maiming anyone.
The other cast members were starting to really get on my nerves, especially one of the leads and the stage manager, who allows random chatter go on during MY mic check but not for others. At this point, I had isolated myself from everyone just so I didn't do anything irrational like murder them all or, worse, scream. 27 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 20- For some inexplicable reason, all the boys wore some form
of a blue shirt. If all the girls had dressed in pink, we would have
looked like we were from But I'm a Cheerleader.
It was kind of embarrassing. I tried to switch it up by wearing my red hoodie, but it was too much by the middle of the show so I took it off. Also, I was knocked for wearing long striped socks that I was going to roll down for the performance. I mean, I'm not THAT unprofessional. Just what was his beef with me? 29 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 21- After a day of vocal rest, it's time to get it back to Janis Joplin status.
Indeed it was. The vocal rest did make it strange to communicate with my talkative father, who probably was wondering why I wasn't speaking and wearing a scarf. However, my voice was at its strongest so it was all worth it. 31 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 22- The party's over but at least the show's in the evening for a change.
There was a four day break between shows, during which I drank as much as I could since I wanted to get some form of release. 32 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 23- Nate kind of became a krumper during "Tear it Down." The
hard edge wore off when there was an awkward silence, followed by an
equally awkward "YEAH!" by the group.
Following my dad's criticism (which is similar to someone giving their uninvited opinion) that we dance too "white" (because we clearly were not black), I tried to go a little hard and incorporated krumping into "Tear it Down". However, we had a different person playing Luke that day and, since he barely showed up to rehearsals, had no idea what the lyrics were, resulting in a awkward pause. 33 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 24- There's some witty remark I could come up with but most of
the ones I can think of are kind of crass. And I'd rather not deal some
cryptic low blow. Not yet, anyway.
It was in the homestretch and I had to be very careful about what I said on Facebook and in public. But, really, I could barely take it anymore. 34 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 25- This could've been performed on Friday. And I could be drinking awesome water right now.
The original day was rained out. I think this day was the day where I had groupies in the audience. They called me hot. They were maybe 13 years old. I felt old. Also, awesome water is my term for "vodka". 35 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 26- THE PENULTIMATE SHOW. (Later on...) Uh,
that turned out to be false! The show that was cancelled yesterday was
rescheduled friday. So, instead, I'll leave the ad-lib I made today:
"Why look. It's Elvira and Hagrid."
The day before, it was raining and we had received word that the venue that night closed the show as it was outdoors. Since there was no rain date on the schedule, we had assumed that we wouldn't be performing there. We were wrong. As for the ad-lib, the guys who played Jason and Barron would interrupt my song hiding behind a bush (I'm pretty sure they came on waaaaaaaaay too early) and would do random, stupid things during the song. This day, they wore a beard and a black wig. So I fired back. 36 performances.
Camp
Rock: Day 27- Mkay, due to recent events, today's the ACTUAL penultimate
show. At Brookhaven. Where I would have enjoyed getting silly and
getting in a koala-hug giving mood after but no.
Pretty much my description for what I do when I'm drunk, sort of. It would've been nice to have ended it on this day, at this location, but the rained out venue took advantage on our extra rain date (which would have covered Brookhaven) had it rained and scheduled the show then. 37 performances.
Camp Rock: Day 28- The obligatory "Final Day" status. Which goes a little something like....
FINAL DAY. FINALLY. TONIGHT IT ENDS. (hysterical laughing and sobbing).
Could you tell I was relieved to be done with this? 38 performances.
So, there you have it. 28 days of Camp Rock, with 38 performances, which would result in performing this show for about 2 days straight. How I never want to do it again. Like that'll happen.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Project Runway: Dosvedanya!
Previously on PR: The designers are whisked away to Coney Island to win materials for the challenge sponsored by Yoplait for no apparent reason. Miranda acted like an asshole and felt bad about it, Sandro admits his disdain for Zac Posen, Prissy Punk Helen wins while Twit-mothy finally gets the boot.
This episode opens on an odd note in that we hear a very heated, very loud argument coming from the holding room, where the doors reveal Helen, Stankface Ken, and Sandro engaging in a screaming match that make the moms from Dance Moms look like amateurs (at least THIS ain't staged). At first, I had hoped this occurred during this week's challenge but Sandro wasn't wearing the overalls I may/may not want. Then, he gets up and leaves in a huff... now let's rewind to what happened 36 hours EARLIER....
The men talk about how Twit had reached his breaking point. Sandro doesn't want to be considered safe anymore and wants to know what people want from him (other than to calm down). In the ladies' room, Helen is elated that the next challenge won't be as awful due to the immunity. She hopes that this won't affect her design and plans to win this one too. Of course, this is reality television talk for, "She's going to suck hard." In the other men's room, Jeremy reveals that his grandmother had passed away during the weekend and he's a bit rattled by it, especially since he'senslaved stuck competing and won't be able to go to the funeral. He misses his husband and children dearly and would love to go back for them. Poor dear.
Instead of Heidi treating us to some ill-fitting garment on the runway, the designers enter the workroom today to find out their challenge... and are greeted by Tim Gunn and oodles and oodles of bow ties. Alexander wonders if it will be a menswear challenge. Tim then introduces the reason behind this challenge, which turns out to be none other than actor and everyone's imaginary cuddle buddy, Jesse Tyler Ferguson. While Kate and Karen fangirl in their confessionals, Jesse and Tim explain the challenge. Jesse had started a charity called "Tie the Knot" which supports marriage equality and their main thing is bow ties, which he has provided them with. Bradon commends him for the cause, especially since he wants to marry his own partner. The challenge is to make a garment that utilizes at least one of the bow ties in an unconventional way. Stankface Ken is anxious to see what the other designers will make. In all of this, Sandro has his hands on Alexander and Jeremy and it makes it a bit hard to not like him for it. Oh yeah, and Jesse will also be the guest judge for the challenge as well.
The designers grab some of the ties as Sue thinks it will be cool and interesting for her to work with such tiny materials when she's more along the lines of big and grand. Tiny Dom is planning to use draping in her design. Next thing you know, we're off to mood to shop. Once there, Tim SUGGESTS that the designers stay within a $200 limit and away they go. Kate looks for washed silks and twill and leather, while Jeremy plans to make this design a tribute for his "gran", which I think isn't a great idea. Look, tributes are nice but they also spell out as a Hail Mary pass so, sometimes, they don't work so very well. Bradon is way more calmer on this Mood trip but has no idea what he's going to do. Sue causes me to have a heart attack as she drops $400 on materials for the challenge.
Back to the workroom, where Sandro kind of meanders in like some poor puppy. Jeremy likes how such a strong gay influence will be judging the challenge. Alexander points out that Bradon actually predicted this challenge the night before, where Bradon justifies it as doing designs for gay couples. Close enough. Sandro jokingly calls him a witch in his confessional (well, a bruja). Miranda asks Bradon about his relationship with his partner, which segways into some character development. Bradon and his partner, Josh, met when they were students at Julliard. Josh was an opera singer and Bradon was, duh, a dancer. They've been together for EIGHTEEN YEARS. Bradon also bemoans about how gay marriage can be done anywhere in the world, like in the Czech Republic (well, same-sex unions but still), but it still cannot be done in the US of A. And he goes on a few times about how much he misses Josh. Aww.
Elsewhere, Helen, donned in a bow tie, asks Sandro about his design. She calls his colors cute. Sandro then goes into some tangent that I just could not follow (and had the same expression as Karen did in the background. How I love her) and something about direction. However, he does say that he will confront the judges if they knock him for doing too much again. Justin the Meek says that Sandro does have a penchant for being disrespectful, so this may not turn out so good.
Bradon recaps the challenge for us today, and then explains that he's attempting to make a bodice with the ties, but this could change. Tim goes to Tiny Dom's station, where she explains that she's trying to work in the Equal sign into the design. Tim thinks it could veer into literal land and questions her piping choices. Karen admits that she finds the stripes on Dom's dress go well with the ties she has. On to Sue, who has TWO dresses. Alexander is baffled by her hefty purchase at Mood and now this weird situation. Sue explains that this is how she works but goes on to explain her black dress, which is draped in purple bow ties. Miranda the Riveter, however, thinks the ties are attacking the dress so Sue's in trouble. Speaking of, let's see how Miranda of the Pencil Skirts is doing. While Tim praises the jacket, Jeremy doesn't. Tim, however, doesn't think the print goes well with the pink tie so she axes it. At Kate's korner, she explains that she's aiming to do a hunting party kind of a look with pants. Tim suggests putting a tuxedo stripe on the pants while she adds on by saying it could be a bow tie stripe. Resourceful, that one.
Now, let's see how Sandro is doing. He starts off by asking Tim if he could call him, "Top Gunn" as Sandro's been giving out nicknames to everybody (and causing me to wonder if we're kindred spirits). It also took me about 5 times to understand what he was saying until I put on the closed captioning. Anyway, Sandro then vents to Tim about his frustrations about being told that he does "too much" and questions a pretty handbag he plans to use. Tim understands why Sandro is so frustrated and Sandro is relieved that someone gets him for a change. Tim also advises Sandro to not take the criticisms to the highest degree, where Sandro segues into Zac Posen. Kate lets it be known that Sandro is not a big fan of Zac at all. He's pissed because all Zac has done is knock him for his details. In the confessional, Sandro wants to challenge Zac sometime and that Zac is just too sensitive. In the room, Tim says that he likes Sandro's passion and he should stay true to his aesthetic. Stankface Ken, who's slowly becoming very irritating, says that Sandro is loud and a drama queen. Whatever, he's making me enjoy Sandro slightly more.
Now, let's see how Jeremy is doing. Tim offers his condolences for his grandmother. Unfortunately, Jeremy is a bit all over the place and Tim tells him to think about the design. Jeremy, however, thinks it will be super. For Bradon, Tim likes his top but Karen worries that it may be too literal. Prissy Punk Helen's dress, despite what she says about making it masculine, is anything but and very bland, and Tim lets her know. This throws her for a loop and has her questioning everything about her design, as per Miranda. When Tim leaves, she goes to whine to Sandro about how she freaks out when she hears criticism. Oh please.
The models arrive for fittings as Miranda tries to follow Tim's advice to make the shirt a bit sexier, which is so not her strong point. While Alexander likes Sandro's dress, he has no idea how the bow tie works. As Kate frets about her pants (she's only made one other pair before), Bradon works on his top, which is very time consuming. Stankface Ken calls Sue's dress horrible, and Tiny Dom makes a tie vagina. Sandro says it reminds him of clams and they laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh. Tiny Dom believes Sandro is from another planet, and his dancing around is making it that much harder to dislike him. As Helen freaks out over every little thing, Bradon worries that he may not be able to finish the whole design tomorrow, which includes shorts and a jacket. Time's up and away they go to rest for twelve minutes.
Runway day sees Miranda overwhelmed as she hopes to finish in time. Stankface Ken believes he needs to watch out for frontrunners/way better than him designers Bradon, Tiny Dom, and Inga, who we haven't seen much at all this entire episode. I wonder why. It displeases me. After Tim gives the standard time crunch speech, Helen flips out because she hopes the judges won't think she did so bad because she's riding on an immunity pass. While Bradon struggles to finish everything, the design team must be very relieved to not have Twit around. Back in the workroom, Inga asks her model to give a bitchy walk (she knows their language), and she questions Sue's dress. Jeremy hopes the hail mary pass of dedicating the challenge to his gran will work, as Tiny Dom hopes to win as well. Miranda makes the decision to turn the shirt into a crop top while Sandro still sews at the end point, but that's not too dramatic as the bumpers made it seem.
On the runway, Heidi is wearing a bowtie and an unflattering sparkly dress. Seriously, the interpreter, who I'll call Moesha until I find out her name, looks miles better than she does. As we already knew Jesse would be judging, the show begins.
Tiny Dom is up first, and it's incredible, although the hair is reminiscent of the last challenge. Not that I'm complaining. Jeremy's okay, but I don't see the bow tie anywhere in the design. I like the top but the pants are huge. Bradon's is magnificent and it definitely suits his model, Ya. Stankface Ken's little black dress is, naturally, boring with the added bonus of making his girl look kind of chunky. Miranda's is all over the place as pencil skirts and crop tops do not make happy marriages. Equally disastrous is Prissy Punk Helen's dress, which looks like it comes with a back brace. Alexander's outfit is nice and I like the tie in with the rainbow bow tie collar. Contrary to what anyone says, I kind of like Sandro's pink dress. Sure, it's a bit Barbie with clasps but I like how it flows. Sue, on the otherhand, looks like she just threw her ties on her model. Justin has also done a little black dress but, unlike Stankface's, his looks beautiful and makes the model look slim. While Kate's outfit is trendy, I swear to God I've seen those pants before at Forever21. Karen's is a bit dumpy and I hate the pants she made but Inga's is stunning and I like the slit in the front.
Heidi calls out Bradon, Kate, Sue, Jeremy, Tiny Dom, and Miranda the Riveter, sending the others to safety. BUT, she calls out Helen, who tries to hide behind Bradon, for doing such a poor job on her design. Then, Nina throws some shade by saying that perhaps she won last challenge by riding on Kate's coattails. Sandro then wants to ask a question, which Heidi allows. He wants to know what they thought of his dress (a little out of place for this as he's SAFE). Only Zac's critique makes the cut, where he bashes it. He also has no idea who he is as a designer. Heidi then dismisses the safe people.
Now, we return to where the episode began: The epic meltdown between Sandro, Helen, and, for no reason, Stankface. Prissy Punk Helen is pissed that she (deservedly) got knocked down a peg for her crappy handiwork. Sandro gives his reasons why he asked his question on the runway in the first place (which is generally what he was saying throughout the entire episode). Stankface Ken, however, doesn't like it. As Karen tries to calmly explain how it was disrespectful to do that right then and there, Prissy Punk Helen interrupts to bring it on back to her pathetic sob story of her garment basically being terrible. This escalates to yelling between Helen and Sandro. Karen comments on the awkwardness of the situation of just sitting there as this is going on. Stankface Ken, who I'm convinced just likes to hear his own voice, then butts in to tell Sandro is acting out of order. This is apparently the final straw for him, as he curses up a storm, tears through the holding sheet (?) that was held by two crewpeople, storms off, and takes out a camera. Helen, however, goes to cry in the bathroom.
Yikes. Although a bit outrageous, it's no wonder why Sandro might have flipped out. Aside from the criticisms, we also have to realize that actual designers aren't given absurd challenges on a weekly basis, they aren't followed around by a camera crew 24/7, and they aren't (usually) the dancing monkeys on the television that are there to entertain the masses. Still, I hope Sandro gets some anger management though because, adorable he may be, I would be terrified to be 10 feet away from him.
Moooooooooooooooooooooooving on, it's time for the critiques! Which weren't too too lengthy, probably due to the editing job on the meltdown.
THE GOOD:
Bradon: Heidi calls it fabulous and would wear it every day of the week if she had Ya's body. Nina can see that he loves fabric. She loves the texture and is impressed with the mix of fabric. Zac calls it fabulous and Jesse calls it brave.
Tiny Dom: Zac thinks the stripes work for the garment and Nina, again, thinks it's adorable and emulates happiness. Jesse is thrilled how the designers took the foundation's message and incorporated it into their designs and loves how the model's hair is done like a bow tie.
Kate: Heidi calls the outfit sexy, modern, and likes the pants. Nina, being a pants woman, also likes the pants as well, calling them "sick".
THE BAD:
Sue: Heidi could not believe that this was HER dress. It's a mess and she doesn't understand it. Zac wrote down "octopussy" and tells her simple is better. Nina wrote that it reminded her of Sigourney Weaver in "Alien" and that it looks more like an arts and crafts project. Jesse thought the ties were kelp.
Jeremy: Heidi doesn't like the "Madame" look. Zac calls it lackluster and doesn't like the exposed belly button. Nina appreciates the work it took to go into the top but it ages the model by decades. Jesse also agrees that it makes the girl look old.
Miranda the Riveter: Heidi was disappointed in the lack of the bow tie motif and says it's from the 80's. Zac hates the top and Nina wishes she could focus on something more modern. Jesse like the gender bending idea Miranda wanted to convey but it didn't work in this case.
During deliberation, Tim Gunn informs that Sandro has gone AWOL and they're monitoring him to see if he's coming back. Other than that, it's the same old, same old, with the added bonus of Zac dragging Sue's model away by the ties. Then, we're back for the judgement.
Winner: Bradon! So early in the game and he's won two challenges. But, wait! Bradon's so inspired by the challenge, he tearfully proposes to his partner DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA. It's so endearing, Jesse starts fangirling. Heidi also endorses the proposal by saying directly to the camera, "JOSH. YOU BETTER SAY YES." Because she's a badass like that. She also says she will attend the wedding. And I say, in the privacy of my house, "Josh, if it's been 18 years, MARRY HIM." Seriously, their relationship seems way more functional than the ones I know now.
Tiny Dom and Kate are excused to safety. There is no bottom two as Heidi reprimands the bottom designers for their shoddy work. However, no one is eliminated due to Sandro's withdrawal. Miranda the Riveter tearfully calls it a catch 22 because she feels that she was going to be the one who goes home. However, she honestly admits that she feels horrible that Sandro left and that she's here because of it. But, on a happier note, Tim breaks down at the sweetness of Bradon's proposal.
Before the episode ends, we go to a week later where Bradon skypes with Josh, who may as well be his twin. Josh informs him that, at the time (since the designers are cut off from the outside world), Prop 8 and DOMA was struck down and he takes the time to propose. Bradon, of course, says yes but tells him that he beat him to the punch the week before. Ha!
Next Week: Teams of Three and what appears to be ANOTHER unconventional challenge. One team spells disaster, someone bleeds on the fabric, and Stankface turns into a total bitch.
This episode opens on an odd note in that we hear a very heated, very loud argument coming from the holding room, where the doors reveal Helen, Stankface Ken, and Sandro engaging in a screaming match that make the moms from Dance Moms look like amateurs (at least THIS ain't staged). At first, I had hoped this occurred during this week's challenge but Sandro wasn't wearing the overalls I may/may not want. Then, he gets up and leaves in a huff... now let's rewind to what happened 36 hours EARLIER....
The men talk about how Twit had reached his breaking point. Sandro doesn't want to be considered safe anymore and wants to know what people want from him (other than to calm down). In the ladies' room, Helen is elated that the next challenge won't be as awful due to the immunity. She hopes that this won't affect her design and plans to win this one too. Of course, this is reality television talk for, "She's going to suck hard." In the other men's room, Jeremy reveals that his grandmother had passed away during the weekend and he's a bit rattled by it, especially since he's
Instead of Heidi treating us to some ill-fitting garment on the runway, the designers enter the workroom today to find out their challenge... and are greeted by Tim Gunn and oodles and oodles of bow ties. Alexander wonders if it will be a menswear challenge. Tim then introduces the reason behind this challenge, which turns out to be none other than actor and everyone's imaginary cuddle buddy, Jesse Tyler Ferguson. While Kate and Karen fangirl in their confessionals, Jesse and Tim explain the challenge. Jesse had started a charity called "Tie the Knot" which supports marriage equality and their main thing is bow ties, which he has provided them with. Bradon commends him for the cause, especially since he wants to marry his own partner. The challenge is to make a garment that utilizes at least one of the bow ties in an unconventional way. Stankface Ken is anxious to see what the other designers will make. In all of this, Sandro has his hands on Alexander and Jeremy and it makes it a bit hard to not like him for it. Oh yeah, and Jesse will also be the guest judge for the challenge as well.
The designers grab some of the ties as Sue thinks it will be cool and interesting for her to work with such tiny materials when she's more along the lines of big and grand. Tiny Dom is planning to use draping in her design. Next thing you know, we're off to mood to shop. Once there, Tim SUGGESTS that the designers stay within a $200 limit and away they go. Kate looks for washed silks and twill and leather, while Jeremy plans to make this design a tribute for his "gran", which I think isn't a great idea. Look, tributes are nice but they also spell out as a Hail Mary pass so, sometimes, they don't work so very well. Bradon is way more calmer on this Mood trip but has no idea what he's going to do. Sue causes me to have a heart attack as she drops $400 on materials for the challenge.
Back to the workroom, where Sandro kind of meanders in like some poor puppy. Jeremy likes how such a strong gay influence will be judging the challenge. Alexander points out that Bradon actually predicted this challenge the night before, where Bradon justifies it as doing designs for gay couples. Close enough. Sandro jokingly calls him a witch in his confessional (well, a bruja). Miranda asks Bradon about his relationship with his partner, which segways into some character development. Bradon and his partner, Josh, met when they were students at Julliard. Josh was an opera singer and Bradon was, duh, a dancer. They've been together for EIGHTEEN YEARS. Bradon also bemoans about how gay marriage can be done anywhere in the world, like in the Czech Republic (well, same-sex unions but still), but it still cannot be done in the US of A. And he goes on a few times about how much he misses Josh. Aww.
 |
| Represent! |
Bradon recaps the challenge for us today, and then explains that he's attempting to make a bodice with the ties, but this could change. Tim goes to Tiny Dom's station, where she explains that she's trying to work in the Equal sign into the design. Tim thinks it could veer into literal land and questions her piping choices. Karen admits that she finds the stripes on Dom's dress go well with the ties she has. On to Sue, who has TWO dresses. Alexander is baffled by her hefty purchase at Mood and now this weird situation. Sue explains that this is how she works but goes on to explain her black dress, which is draped in purple bow ties. Miranda the Riveter, however, thinks the ties are attacking the dress so Sue's in trouble. Speaking of, let's see how Miranda of the Pencil Skirts is doing. While Tim praises the jacket, Jeremy doesn't. Tim, however, doesn't think the print goes well with the pink tie so she axes it. At Kate's korner, she explains that she's aiming to do a hunting party kind of a look with pants. Tim suggests putting a tuxedo stripe on the pants while she adds on by saying it could be a bow tie stripe. Resourceful, that one.
Now, let's see how Sandro is doing. He starts off by asking Tim if he could call him, "Top Gunn" as Sandro's been giving out nicknames to everybody (and causing me to wonder if we're kindred spirits). It also took me about 5 times to understand what he was saying until I put on the closed captioning. Anyway, Sandro then vents to Tim about his frustrations about being told that he does "too much" and questions a pretty handbag he plans to use. Tim understands why Sandro is so frustrated and Sandro is relieved that someone gets him for a change. Tim also advises Sandro to not take the criticisms to the highest degree, where Sandro segues into Zac Posen. Kate lets it be known that Sandro is not a big fan of Zac at all. He's pissed because all Zac has done is knock him for his details. In the confessional, Sandro wants to challenge Zac sometime and that Zac is just too sensitive. In the room, Tim says that he likes Sandro's passion and he should stay true to his aesthetic. Stankface Ken, who's slowly becoming very irritating, says that Sandro is loud and a drama queen. Whatever, he's making me enjoy Sandro slightly more.
Now, let's see how Jeremy is doing. Tim offers his condolences for his grandmother. Unfortunately, Jeremy is a bit all over the place and Tim tells him to think about the design. Jeremy, however, thinks it will be super. For Bradon, Tim likes his top but Karen worries that it may be too literal. Prissy Punk Helen's dress, despite what she says about making it masculine, is anything but and very bland, and Tim lets her know. This throws her for a loop and has her questioning everything about her design, as per Miranda. When Tim leaves, she goes to whine to Sandro about how she freaks out when she hears criticism. Oh please.
The models arrive for fittings as Miranda tries to follow Tim's advice to make the shirt a bit sexier, which is so not her strong point. While Alexander likes Sandro's dress, he has no idea how the bow tie works. As Kate frets about her pants (she's only made one other pair before), Bradon works on his top, which is very time consuming. Stankface Ken calls Sue's dress horrible, and Tiny Dom makes a tie vagina. Sandro says it reminds him of clams and they laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh. Tiny Dom believes Sandro is from another planet, and his dancing around is making it that much harder to dislike him. As Helen freaks out over every little thing, Bradon worries that he may not be able to finish the whole design tomorrow, which includes shorts and a jacket. Time's up and away they go to rest for twelve minutes.
Runway day sees Miranda overwhelmed as she hopes to finish in time. Stankface Ken believes he needs to watch out for frontrunners/way better than him designers Bradon, Tiny Dom, and Inga, who we haven't seen much at all this entire episode. I wonder why. It displeases me. After Tim gives the standard time crunch speech, Helen flips out because she hopes the judges won't think she did so bad because she's riding on an immunity pass. While Bradon struggles to finish everything, the design team must be very relieved to not have Twit around. Back in the workroom, Inga asks her model to give a bitchy walk (she knows their language), and she questions Sue's dress. Jeremy hopes the hail mary pass of dedicating the challenge to his gran will work, as Tiny Dom hopes to win as well. Miranda makes the decision to turn the shirt into a crop top while Sandro still sews at the end point, but that's not too dramatic as the bumpers made it seem.
On the runway, Heidi is wearing a bowtie and an unflattering sparkly dress. Seriously, the interpreter, who I'll call Moesha until I find out her name, looks miles better than she does. As we already knew Jesse would be judging, the show begins.
Tiny Dom is up first, and it's incredible, although the hair is reminiscent of the last challenge. Not that I'm complaining. Jeremy's okay, but I don't see the bow tie anywhere in the design. I like the top but the pants are huge. Bradon's is magnificent and it definitely suits his model, Ya. Stankface Ken's little black dress is, naturally, boring with the added bonus of making his girl look kind of chunky. Miranda's is all over the place as pencil skirts and crop tops do not make happy marriages. Equally disastrous is Prissy Punk Helen's dress, which looks like it comes with a back brace. Alexander's outfit is nice and I like the tie in with the rainbow bow tie collar. Contrary to what anyone says, I kind of like Sandro's pink dress. Sure, it's a bit Barbie with clasps but I like how it flows. Sue, on the otherhand, looks like she just threw her ties on her model. Justin has also done a little black dress but, unlike Stankface's, his looks beautiful and makes the model look slim. While Kate's outfit is trendy, I swear to God I've seen those pants before at Forever21. Karen's is a bit dumpy and I hate the pants she made but Inga's is stunning and I like the slit in the front.
Heidi calls out Bradon, Kate, Sue, Jeremy, Tiny Dom, and Miranda the Riveter, sending the others to safety. BUT, she calls out Helen, who tries to hide behind Bradon, for doing such a poor job on her design. Then, Nina throws some shade by saying that perhaps she won last challenge by riding on Kate's coattails. Sandro then wants to ask a question, which Heidi allows. He wants to know what they thought of his dress (a little out of place for this as he's SAFE). Only Zac's critique makes the cut, where he bashes it. He also has no idea who he is as a designer. Heidi then dismisses the safe people.
Now, we return to where the episode began: The epic meltdown between Sandro, Helen, and, for no reason, Stankface. Prissy Punk Helen is pissed that she (deservedly) got knocked down a peg for her crappy handiwork. Sandro gives his reasons why he asked his question on the runway in the first place (which is generally what he was saying throughout the entire episode). Stankface Ken, however, doesn't like it. As Karen tries to calmly explain how it was disrespectful to do that right then and there, Prissy Punk Helen interrupts to bring it on back to her pathetic sob story of her garment basically being terrible. This escalates to yelling between Helen and Sandro. Karen comments on the awkwardness of the situation of just sitting there as this is going on. Stankface Ken, who I'm convinced just likes to hear his own voice, then butts in to tell Sandro is acting out of order. This is apparently the final straw for him, as he curses up a storm, tears through the holding sheet (?) that was held by two crewpeople, storms off, and takes out a camera. Helen, however, goes to cry in the bathroom.
Yikes. Although a bit outrageous, it's no wonder why Sandro might have flipped out. Aside from the criticisms, we also have to realize that actual designers aren't given absurd challenges on a weekly basis, they aren't followed around by a camera crew 24/7, and they aren't (usually) the dancing monkeys on the television that are there to entertain the masses. Still, I hope Sandro gets some anger management though because, adorable he may be, I would be terrified to be 10 feet away from him.
Moooooooooooooooooooooooving on, it's time for the critiques! Which weren't too too lengthy, probably due to the editing job on the meltdown.
THE GOOD:
Bradon: Heidi calls it fabulous and would wear it every day of the week if she had Ya's body. Nina can see that he loves fabric. She loves the texture and is impressed with the mix of fabric. Zac calls it fabulous and Jesse calls it brave.
Tiny Dom: Zac thinks the stripes work for the garment and Nina, again, thinks it's adorable and emulates happiness. Jesse is thrilled how the designers took the foundation's message and incorporated it into their designs and loves how the model's hair is done like a bow tie.
Kate: Heidi calls the outfit sexy, modern, and likes the pants. Nina, being a pants woman, also likes the pants as well, calling them "sick".
THE BAD:
Sue: Heidi could not believe that this was HER dress. It's a mess and she doesn't understand it. Zac wrote down "octopussy" and tells her simple is better. Nina wrote that it reminded her of Sigourney Weaver in "Alien" and that it looks more like an arts and crafts project. Jesse thought the ties were kelp.
Jeremy: Heidi doesn't like the "Madame" look. Zac calls it lackluster and doesn't like the exposed belly button. Nina appreciates the work it took to go into the top but it ages the model by decades. Jesse also agrees that it makes the girl look old.
Miranda the Riveter: Heidi was disappointed in the lack of the bow tie motif and says it's from the 80's. Zac hates the top and Nina wishes she could focus on something more modern. Jesse like the gender bending idea Miranda wanted to convey but it didn't work in this case.
During deliberation, Tim Gunn informs that Sandro has gone AWOL and they're monitoring him to see if he's coming back. Other than that, it's the same old, same old, with the added bonus of Zac dragging Sue's model away by the ties. Then, we're back for the judgement.
Winner: Bradon! So early in the game and he's won two challenges. But, wait! Bradon's so inspired by the challenge, he tearfully proposes to his partner DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA. It's so endearing, Jesse starts fangirling. Heidi also endorses the proposal by saying directly to the camera, "JOSH. YOU BETTER SAY YES." Because she's a badass like that. She also says she will attend the wedding. And I say, in the privacy of my house, "Josh, if it's been 18 years, MARRY HIM." Seriously, their relationship seems way more functional than the ones I know now.
Tiny Dom and Kate are excused to safety. There is no bottom two as Heidi reprimands the bottom designers for their shoddy work. However, no one is eliminated due to Sandro's withdrawal. Miranda the Riveter tearfully calls it a catch 22 because she feels that she was going to be the one who goes home. However, she honestly admits that she feels horrible that Sandro left and that she's here because of it. But, on a happier note, Tim breaks down at the sweetness of Bradon's proposal.
Before the episode ends, we go to a week later where Bradon skypes with Josh, who may as well be his twin. Josh informs him that, at the time (since the designers are cut off from the outside world), Prop 8 and DOMA was struck down and he takes the time to propose. Bradon, of course, says yes but tells him that he beat him to the punch the week before. Ha!
Next Week: Teams of Three and what appears to be ANOTHER unconventional challenge. One team spells disaster, someone bleeds on the fabric, and Stankface turns into a total bitch.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Project Runway: Drug Queens
Previously on PR: The designers designed for DIAMONDS, Helen screws herself over, Twit's ego pops through, Kate wins and Kahindo is auffed.
This episode starts in the wee hours of the morn. It's 5:30 AM and Heidi takes a cue from Tyra Banks and decides to scare the bejeebus out of the designers by breaking into their rooms in what I believe to be fabulous pajamas... but if they aren't pj's, then what was she thinking? Kate astutely notes that Heidi never makes house calls so this means there's a challenge to be held soon. The group is whisked away to Coney Island! Sue's never been so she's thrilled to go. Hell, I actually went for the first time this summer with my friend.
Tim is there to greet them on the boardwalk (which I walked its entirety with my friend as well). The Interpreter is dressed as a school girl with some nice ankle boots. Tim introduces David Smetter, some dude from Yoplait. This is where I start questioning the sponsors. YOPLAIT? What does yogurt have to do with fashion?! Tim tries to explain this guy's existence by gesturing to the Yoplait carts behind them. The group's first task is to hand out samples to the crowd and ask for words on how they would describe the experience of tasting the yogurt. Three of those words will be the basis of the garment they design for the challenge. Oh, by the way kids, did you notice that there are 7 carts and 14 people? Justin's jaw drops at the realization that this will be the first team challenge of the season. Kate moans about having flashbacks to her team happy season. I'm getting flashbacks to Laura who blasted the designers that think they can do things on their own when, in the real world, it's nothing BUT teamwork in the fashion industry. Ugh. Miranda the Riveter does NOT want to work with Twit as he's unbearable. Poor fool, she makes me laugh.
So, let's meet our teams:
-Alexander and Justin
-Kate and Helen, the latter who uses this to her advantage to make up for last week by learning as much as she can.
-Jeremy and Ken
-Sue and Sandro. Sandro does some happy dance that will soon be overshadowed by his shitty behavior.
-Bradon and Karen, who I immediately dub "Team Red" due to their hair.
-Dom and Inga
Which leaves Miranda's worst nightmare to come true as she's saddled with Twit. Nevertheless, she plans to get through unscathed while Twit believes they can do this.
The designers shill the yogurt and the customers provide generic words. Dom finds that "playful" sticks to her so this will help out later. The words get even weirder but this does give Karen a lot of options to choose from. With the snacks gone, and the umbrellas out, Tim explains the next part of the challenge. They will be making only ONE garment but they won't be going to mood. Behind Tim is Luna Park. The designers start hopping in excitement as Tim explains that they will be winning their materials today (which are the prizes). Ken bitches about it being the second Unconventional challenge and that he hates this challenge. $100 dollars will be charged to their Go-Cards which gives everyone free reign of the park for 30 minutes. They go off to have a blast and it looks like a scene from the film version of Godspell.
Helen and Kate, who I'm dubbing Team Magnet as they are polar opposites, make the plan to get as many sombreros as possible. The less obvious choices, the better. Aunt Sue sees shades of blue and wins a bunch of dolphins. Inga states that she has never won so many toys. This entire scene is such a delight until we go to Team Wisconsin, Miranda the Riveter and Twit. While Miranda tries to make a truce, Twit goes apeshit over seeing a unicorn and plans to win it. As I have investigated, the freakshow loves unicorns. A lot. So, so much. I don't think he's heard The Unicorn Song. (Spoiler, the unicorn is wiped out from existence. Sorry not sorry.) He wins one and proceeds to ride it. I can't with him.
With the toys won, it's time to return to Parsons and get out of the rain. I laughed as the group tried to get through the doors with their sacks of massive toys. And then I laughed even harder seeing that most of the space has been taken over by the toys. Tim tells the designers that they can design ANYTHING they want, as long as it corresponds to their words. Again, they have until 11. Team Magnet formulate a plan to make a sculpted corset dress with the sombreros and use the kite materials for boning. Sue and Sandro, Team Punk (him for his shitty 'tude and her because of her personal style) have a bunch of blue dolphins and ONE sombrero. JUST one. Loudmouth says that he and Sue have different designs (duh), Sue aiming for a mermaid-esque look that he calls "drag queen" (but I misinterpreted as "drug queen". How I love the things I pick up on this program). We briefly catch a glimpse of Dom and Inga, Team Awesome, before we go to the trainwreck that is Team Wisconsin. Miranda the Riveter describes how they'll make the dress, but she looks like she would rather be somewhere else. Far, far away.
Some more glimpses of the non-dramatic teams that are Team Awesome and Justin and Alexander, who I dubbed Team Vinyl because I couldn't think of anything for them besides the only materials they had were of vinyl, before we get fight number one from Team Punk. Kate notes Loudmouth's extreme rudeness while Aunt Sue is slowly discovering that it's not going to be as fun working with Sandro as she thought.
As the designers obliterate the stuffed animals and send the stuffing flying all over the place, Miranda the Riveter recaps the challenge, with Karen. Team Awesome continues to be awesome when they "dissect the frogs." while Alexander frets about something. Twit tells us that this is his challenge because all he does is make clothes from toys. You mean toys that are not made from organic materials and from machines that run on electricity?
On Team Magnet, Prissy Punk Helen feels horrible for calling Kate a bitch from the get-go, and many times afterwards, because she's just that cool to work with. On Team Awesome, I worry a bit when they announce that they plan to make a sweaterdress. But loud noises bring us back to Team Punk, where Loudmouth continues to berate Sue. She tries to calmly explain the design but he's not having it so she leaves. Karen, trying to find some relevance on this show besides being akin to a kindergarten teacher, asks how the work is coming along. Sue responds that they'll be fine, but wishes she would have more fun on the challenge (or, at least, more bearable). On Team Vinyl, Alexander believes he and Justin compliment each other well. Come on, NOTHING GUYS?
Back to Team Wisconsin. Inga believes Miranda is in trouble because she's going to be dragged down with Twit, who she calls a moron who needs to go back to school. How I love you so hard, Inga. Bradon and Sandro have a talk where Bradon explains how he and Karen will try to incorporate the word "fluffy". Sandro is a bit concerned and so he whispers something in Bradon's ear, so I believe it was some dirty gay talk that might be related to "fluffer". We may never know as Bradon just responds, "Yep." And they go their separate ways. Karen asks Twit if they're going to incorporate the unicorn into the design. Twit almost has a stroke. So then Karen then suggests that the model should ride it down the runway. Twit then wets his pants. Karen, please do not give this guy any ideas. Then Twit tries to explain some science behind unicorns, but I think I went to get something to eat so I wouldn't have to pay attention to it. Or looking for a P90 gun. On Team Magnet, Kate isn't all that concerned with Helen's bottom position last week and finds her helpful in making the design more modern and sexy. Then, we're shown Helen sewing with the remains of a pencil prize (the eraser) on the top of her head. I'm loving this episode so much.
After some scene of the designers obliterating the stuffed animals, and of Dom wearing a plastic bag to prevent the stuffing from sticking to her clothes, we go back to the neverending tirade of Sandro to Sue. Sue feels exasperated because the garment isn't nothing like she had envisioned it to be. Well, yeah, but this is a TEAM challenge. Over on Team Wisconsin, Twit thinks this is an ample opportunity to change the design NOW when they've barely got half of it done. This does not miss Miranda's eye. On what I thought was a smoke break (it was steam from coffee cups) with Sandro, she bemoans that she cannot stand Twit is here and she is pissed.
Today, Tim enters the disaster zone that is the workroom. He goes to Ken and Jeremy first, and because I totally had no idea they were around, I dubbed them ...That team. We don't even get much critique from Tim before he sashays over to Team Awesome. I virtually throw in all my chips when they plan to make it reminiscent of Japanese street fashion. Ken, however, calls it something a teen would wear. On Team Vinyl, Alexander jabbers away while Justin confessionalizes that Alexander's mouth could get them into trouble. Tim warns them to keep it from looking silly. Team Red sees Karen wearing a headband made from one of the rubber spikey balls they had. Sandro, who refers to Bradon as "Irish" (hey, Jeremy's the actual Irish one here. Come back with a better nickname), thinks they have a nice design. Then, we get Team Punk. As Sue attempts to describe the garment, Sandro seems to forget that Tim IS STANDING RIGHT THERE and decides to change up the design right there. As Tim asks poor Sue for her opinion, and while he advises them to work with her suggestions, Sandro has the audacity to say that it's "garbage shit". Alexander flat out says that Sandro is acting unprofessional while Ken gives another stank face (which, I think, is the only thing he's memorable for). And then there's Sue, who gives this awesome summation in her confessional:
"I shouldn't say anything because I don't want to fucking kill someone and have their head on a platter."
It's like she read my mind for whenever some family member ticks me off. The nightmare takes a break when Tim assures Sandro that they will be judged as a team.
Moving on, we see Team Magnet hard at work. It looks really neat and, when Helen says that she thinks the dress looks better strapless, Kate runs with the idea with enthusiasm. And then there's Team Wisconsin, where Miranda explains the concept. Tim calls it a hospital gown. Miranda feels exhausted and let down. Tim also calls it very "Disney" due to the flatness of it. Bradon calls the pairing of these two "horrible". After Tim leaves, Miranda shuts down as Twit offers three hundred and twenty six and a half terrible suggestions. AND THEN HE STATES, "Go Team Wisconsin!" and I had the urge to whack my head with a very heavy hammer.
Model time! Twit is very grateful for Sophie to have waltzed into his life. He says that she understands him and she gives him a card. Dom, however, notices how run down Miranda has become because of the critique. As for Team Magnet, Kate says they're getting along splendidly, that they're like a sorority, and has that chemistry that isn't apparent in other groups... like Team Punk, where Sandro seems to just like yelling at Sue for no apparent reason. But there's more drama on the horizon. With an hour to go, Miranda dishes on the critique with the other designers, where Tim called the dress "A Disney Princess in a hospital gown." Twit doesn't want Miranda to do ANOTHER pencil skirt because he feels like that'll bring them down. "So, let's have a runway strip on her ass!" says Miranda... AS Twit enters the room. And she stills shit talks him as Sandro laughs hysterically. Then Miranda says that she might wear this dress when she goes to the mental ward and, when someone comments on how mean she's become, she states, "You wanted Mean Miranda, you got it!" Twit, for a change, is rendered speechless. Then he cries, probably because she has the home court advantage of insulting him. Miranda wonders aloud that Twit is no good. Prissy Punk Helen finds that Miranda is in a bad spot and Twit's like a ticking time bomb. So he goes over to Team Red for them to baby him. Justin can see that Twit is done by the way he leaves the room. As he does, we can hear Helen yelling at Miranda for not providing any effort but Miranda just doesn't care, as she thinks Twit is a nightmare.
After all this, Twit grabs his unicorn and runs upstairs to cry. Karen asks Miranda where he went, which she doesn't know and, again, does not care. It's here where she cries in the confessional that she's going to need therapy after all this, and I would buy it but she's been acting shitty this episode and this episode is bizarre enough as it is. Twit finally reads the letter from Sophie, out loud, so we can hear it (ugh), where she states that she's glad to have worked with him last challenge. He then sobs that no model has ever done this (at least, not on camera), that she's his muse, and that it changes everything. He eventually puts on his big girl panties and returns to the workroom, where Team Wisconsin works in silence. This is challenged by Team Punk. Sandro is having a meltdown and Stankface Ken believes that he's just sensitive at heart, and Sandro gives a confessional where, in layman's terms, he says he's a perfectionist. This softy routine is broken when he shoots down Sue's suggestions again. So she gives up and just decides to be the assistant in the design. One last look at the room sees a disaster area of stuffing all over the place.
It's the next day, and I can't believe this is known as the "Yoplait Yogurt Challenge". Virtually none of this has to do with the yogurt, just three words from random people. It's more like the "Coney Island" challenge. Anyway, Inga states that she's had such a wonderful experience working with Dom that she wants to work with her again! In the crunch, Tim enters, expecting an exciting and fun runway. The models arrive and I'm pretty sure Sophie has brought cutlets. Miranda the Riveter wishes that she could have kept her cool if given another chance. Sophie tries on the dress with the bolero and boy is it ugly. Meanwhile, Jeremy ('memba him?) calls Team Vinyl's dress horrible. Miranda is crying once again, this time it's because she feels guilty about acting like an asshole, then bullshitting that she likes the dress, then crying once again because she might need therapy post show. Good grief, give this woman a Xanax. Elsewhere, the models play around with the remains of the prizes while Miranda hopes she doesn't land on the bottom again (too late) and Aunt Sue isn't content with the final result but knows it's out of her hands.
Time for the runway. Heidi wears some ill-fitting jumpsuit that makes her middle look like an inner tube. Sandro, however, is wearing these odd overalls that I most certainly want. Our guest today is my imaginary best friend, Kelly Osbourne. Introductions over and done with, it's time to see what's being shilled!
Team Red's garment is like a way better version of Tanorexic Blaine's interpretation of Libra from seasons ago. I like it but it looks weird, especially since they took "fluffy" a teense too literally. Team Awesome's garment IS FREAKING ADORABLE, I WANT IT SO BAD. Team Punk's isn't that bad but they (well, Sandro) did that poofy skirt thing that no one really likes. In fact, it reminds me of the "wee wee pad" dress Bryce made, again, from seasons ago. Team Magnet's sombrero hat is all sorts of amazing and you couldn't tell that the dress was made from hats. Team Vinyl's is a mess with a peplum. AND I HATE PEPLUMS. They're followed by ...That Team, complete with horrible pants. And there's really no explanation for Team Wisconsin, they're sucks from the get go.
Teams Punk, Red, and ...that Team are all safe so away they go. In the holding room, Sandro says something about a woman listening to a man. Seriously, no. Sue could burn off your pipi if she could. Heidi informs the remaining teams that only one person will win this challenge and one will be booted. Team Awesome and Magnet are on top and will be critiqued first while Teams Wisconsin and Vinyl go off to wait.
THE GOOD:
Team Awesome: Their words are "playful, energetic, fun". Kelly loves and wants the dress and finds that it is very "now". Heidi also wants it and tells them that it makes her smile. Zac thinks it's very inventive and it looks casual. Nina thinks it's adorable and it also makes her smile. She also says the styling is on point and it matches the spirit of Coney Island. When asked who should take responsibility if they win, Dom says Inga, since it was mostly her idea. Inga also says herself specifically for the reason that, had they been in the bottom, she would have taken responsibility as well. Go Inga!
Team Magnet: Heidi gushes over their wonderful teamwork. She's impressed with the dress and thinks it's like artwork. Nina thinks it's a high fashion moment and that it doesn't lose the fun as well. Kelly cannot believe the dress is nothing but sombreros. She also says the dress is very flattering and would be one that girls would want to wear. Zac is proud of them, calls it well done, and says that it matches Coney Island. For the winner question, Kate nominates Helen since it was mostly her vision and artistry.
THE BAD:
Team Vinyl: Zac thinks there is way too much going on and it looks too nautical, with kelp on the hem, seaweed elsewhere, and it looks like a hot mess. Kelly says that, because they used such loud colors, the colors could have spoken for themselves. Heidi also agrees that it's overdone and Nina says they got stuck in nowhere's land. Zac asks them to remove the jacket and the weird pink balls they have on the dress' sides and it looks miles better than before. When asked who should go home, neither man have an idea since it was more a collaboration.
Team Wisconsin: Heidi calls it boring and the bolero should be gone. Zac calls it a deflated pool toy. Nina hates the color combos. Kelly believes it should look better in black and white. When asked who should go, Miranda pins herself because it was mostly her design and because of her bad attitude. Then Twit opens his yap about the Titanic and other nonsense. Then he insults Miranda by saying that, if he had a BETTER partner, it might have turned out better. Kelly astutely points out that they did NOT work well together.
During closer looks and deliberations, Miranda and Twit continue to fight while the rest just glaze over it with ignorance. And then, it's decision time.
Winner: Helen! She wants to raise the roof because she's thrilled. Kate is also happy for her as well. They, as well as Team Awesome, are dismissed. Team Vinyl is safe as well.
Bottom Two: Miranda the Riveter and Twit-mothy.
Out: Twit. FINALLY.
Twit first starts talking about how Heidi told him that he's really something or something but, really, SHE SAYS THAT TO EVERYONE. And he cries the second he enters the holding room. And drama queens about something else. And, for no reason, regrets not dancing more. For the Tim Gunn take, well, he ain't stupid: He agreed with the judges. Twit is still going on, now about unicorns and how he'll always believe in them and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Next time: Jesse Tyler Fergurson appears and the challenge involves bowties. And Sandro finally loses it.
This episode starts in the wee hours of the morn. It's 5:30 AM and Heidi takes a cue from Tyra Banks and decides to scare the bejeebus out of the designers by breaking into their rooms in what I believe to be fabulous pajamas... but if they aren't pj's, then what was she thinking? Kate astutely notes that Heidi never makes house calls so this means there's a challenge to be held soon. The group is whisked away to Coney Island! Sue's never been so she's thrilled to go. Hell, I actually went for the first time this summer with my friend.
 |
| I plan to go on this next time. |
So, let's meet our teams:
-Alexander and Justin
-Kate and Helen, the latter who uses this to her advantage to make up for last week by learning as much as she can.
-Jeremy and Ken
-Sue and Sandro. Sandro does some happy dance that will soon be overshadowed by his shitty behavior.
-Bradon and Karen, who I immediately dub "Team Red" due to their hair.
-Dom and Inga
Which leaves Miranda's worst nightmare to come true as she's saddled with Twit. Nevertheless, she plans to get through unscathed while Twit believes they can do this.
The designers shill the yogurt and the customers provide generic words. Dom finds that "playful" sticks to her so this will help out later. The words get even weirder but this does give Karen a lot of options to choose from. With the snacks gone, and the umbrellas out, Tim explains the next part of the challenge. They will be making only ONE garment but they won't be going to mood. Behind Tim is Luna Park. The designers start hopping in excitement as Tim explains that they will be winning their materials today (which are the prizes). Ken bitches about it being the second Unconventional challenge and that he hates this challenge. $100 dollars will be charged to their Go-Cards which gives everyone free reign of the park for 30 minutes. They go off to have a blast and it looks like a scene from the film version of Godspell.
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| I so hope someone played this. |
With the toys won, it's time to return to Parsons and get out of the rain. I laughed as the group tried to get through the doors with their sacks of massive toys. And then I laughed even harder seeing that most of the space has been taken over by the toys. Tim tells the designers that they can design ANYTHING they want, as long as it corresponds to their words. Again, they have until 11. Team Magnet formulate a plan to make a sculpted corset dress with the sombreros and use the kite materials for boning. Sue and Sandro, Team Punk (him for his shitty 'tude and her because of her personal style) have a bunch of blue dolphins and ONE sombrero. JUST one. Loudmouth says that he and Sue have different designs (duh), Sue aiming for a mermaid-esque look that he calls "drag queen" (but I misinterpreted as "drug queen". How I love the things I pick up on this program). We briefly catch a glimpse of Dom and Inga, Team Awesome, before we go to the trainwreck that is Team Wisconsin. Miranda the Riveter describes how they'll make the dress, but she looks like she would rather be somewhere else. Far, far away.
Some more glimpses of the non-dramatic teams that are Team Awesome and Justin and Alexander, who I dubbed Team Vinyl because I couldn't think of anything for them besides the only materials they had were of vinyl, before we get fight number one from Team Punk. Kate notes Loudmouth's extreme rudeness while Aunt Sue is slowly discovering that it's not going to be as fun working with Sandro as she thought.
As the designers obliterate the stuffed animals and send the stuffing flying all over the place, Miranda the Riveter recaps the challenge, with Karen. Team Awesome continues to be awesome when they "dissect the frogs." while Alexander frets about something. Twit tells us that this is his challenge because all he does is make clothes from toys. You mean toys that are not made from organic materials and from machines that run on electricity?
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| My thoughts exactly, Dr. Holly. |
Back to Team Wisconsin. Inga believes Miranda is in trouble because she's going to be dragged down with Twit, who she calls a moron who needs to go back to school. How I love you so hard, Inga. Bradon and Sandro have a talk where Bradon explains how he and Karen will try to incorporate the word "fluffy". Sandro is a bit concerned and so he whispers something in Bradon's ear, so I believe it was some dirty gay talk that might be related to "fluffer". We may never know as Bradon just responds, "Yep." And they go their separate ways. Karen asks Twit if they're going to incorporate the unicorn into the design. Twit almost has a stroke. So then Karen then suggests that the model should ride it down the runway. Twit then wets his pants. Karen, please do not give this guy any ideas. Then Twit tries to explain some science behind unicorns, but I think I went to get something to eat so I wouldn't have to pay attention to it. Or looking for a P90 gun. On Team Magnet, Kate isn't all that concerned with Helen's bottom position last week and finds her helpful in making the design more modern and sexy. Then, we're shown Helen sewing with the remains of a pencil prize (the eraser) on the top of her head. I'm loving this episode so much.
After some scene of the designers obliterating the stuffed animals, and of Dom wearing a plastic bag to prevent the stuffing from sticking to her clothes, we go back to the neverending tirade of Sandro to Sue. Sue feels exasperated because the garment isn't nothing like she had envisioned it to be. Well, yeah, but this is a TEAM challenge. Over on Team Wisconsin, Twit thinks this is an ample opportunity to change the design NOW when they've barely got half of it done. This does not miss Miranda's eye. On what I thought was a smoke break (it was steam from coffee cups) with Sandro, she bemoans that she cannot stand Twit is here and she is pissed.
Today, Tim enters the disaster zone that is the workroom. He goes to Ken and Jeremy first, and because I totally had no idea they were around, I dubbed them ...That team. We don't even get much critique from Tim before he sashays over to Team Awesome. I virtually throw in all my chips when they plan to make it reminiscent of Japanese street fashion. Ken, however, calls it something a teen would wear. On Team Vinyl, Alexander jabbers away while Justin confessionalizes that Alexander's mouth could get them into trouble. Tim warns them to keep it from looking silly. Team Red sees Karen wearing a headband made from one of the rubber spikey balls they had. Sandro, who refers to Bradon as "Irish" (hey, Jeremy's the actual Irish one here. Come back with a better nickname), thinks they have a nice design. Then, we get Team Punk. As Sue attempts to describe the garment, Sandro seems to forget that Tim IS STANDING RIGHT THERE and decides to change up the design right there. As Tim asks poor Sue for her opinion, and while he advises them to work with her suggestions, Sandro has the audacity to say that it's "garbage shit". Alexander flat out says that Sandro is acting unprofessional while Ken gives another stank face (which, I think, is the only thing he's memorable for). And then there's Sue, who gives this awesome summation in her confessional:
"I shouldn't say anything because I don't want to fucking kill someone and have their head on a platter."
It's like she read my mind for whenever some family member ticks me off. The nightmare takes a break when Tim assures Sandro that they will be judged as a team.
Moving on, we see Team Magnet hard at work. It looks really neat and, when Helen says that she thinks the dress looks better strapless, Kate runs with the idea with enthusiasm. And then there's Team Wisconsin, where Miranda explains the concept. Tim calls it a hospital gown. Miranda feels exhausted and let down. Tim also calls it very "Disney" due to the flatness of it. Bradon calls the pairing of these two "horrible". After Tim leaves, Miranda shuts down as Twit offers three hundred and twenty six and a half terrible suggestions. AND THEN HE STATES, "Go Team Wisconsin!" and I had the urge to whack my head with a very heavy hammer.
Model time! Twit is very grateful for Sophie to have waltzed into his life. He says that she understands him and she gives him a card. Dom, however, notices how run down Miranda has become because of the critique. As for Team Magnet, Kate says they're getting along splendidly, that they're like a sorority, and has that chemistry that isn't apparent in other groups... like Team Punk, where Sandro seems to just like yelling at Sue for no apparent reason. But there's more drama on the horizon. With an hour to go, Miranda dishes on the critique with the other designers, where Tim called the dress "A Disney Princess in a hospital gown." Twit doesn't want Miranda to do ANOTHER pencil skirt because he feels like that'll bring them down. "So, let's have a runway strip on her ass!" says Miranda... AS Twit enters the room. And she stills shit talks him as Sandro laughs hysterically. Then Miranda says that she might wear this dress when she goes to the mental ward and, when someone comments on how mean she's become, she states, "You wanted Mean Miranda, you got it!" Twit, for a change, is rendered speechless. Then he cries, probably because she has the home court advantage of insulting him. Miranda wonders aloud that Twit is no good. Prissy Punk Helen finds that Miranda is in a bad spot and Twit's like a ticking time bomb. So he goes over to Team Red for them to baby him. Justin can see that Twit is done by the way he leaves the room. As he does, we can hear Helen yelling at Miranda for not providing any effort but Miranda just doesn't care, as she thinks Twit is a nightmare.
After all this, Twit grabs his unicorn and runs upstairs to cry. Karen asks Miranda where he went, which she doesn't know and, again, does not care. It's here where she cries in the confessional that she's going to need therapy after all this, and I would buy it but she's been acting shitty this episode and this episode is bizarre enough as it is. Twit finally reads the letter from Sophie, out loud, so we can hear it (ugh), where she states that she's glad to have worked with him last challenge. He then sobs that no model has ever done this (at least, not on camera), that she's his muse, and that it changes everything. He eventually puts on his big girl panties and returns to the workroom, where Team Wisconsin works in silence. This is challenged by Team Punk. Sandro is having a meltdown and Stankface Ken believes that he's just sensitive at heart, and Sandro gives a confessional where, in layman's terms, he says he's a perfectionist. This softy routine is broken when he shoots down Sue's suggestions again. So she gives up and just decides to be the assistant in the design. One last look at the room sees a disaster area of stuffing all over the place.
It's the next day, and I can't believe this is known as the "Yoplait Yogurt Challenge". Virtually none of this has to do with the yogurt, just three words from random people. It's more like the "Coney Island" challenge. Anyway, Inga states that she's had such a wonderful experience working with Dom that she wants to work with her again! In the crunch, Tim enters, expecting an exciting and fun runway. The models arrive and I'm pretty sure Sophie has brought cutlets. Miranda the Riveter wishes that she could have kept her cool if given another chance. Sophie tries on the dress with the bolero and boy is it ugly. Meanwhile, Jeremy ('memba him?) calls Team Vinyl's dress horrible. Miranda is crying once again, this time it's because she feels guilty about acting like an asshole, then bullshitting that she likes the dress, then crying once again because she might need therapy post show. Good grief, give this woman a Xanax. Elsewhere, the models play around with the remains of the prizes while Miranda hopes she doesn't land on the bottom again (too late) and Aunt Sue isn't content with the final result but knows it's out of her hands.
Time for the runway. Heidi wears some ill-fitting jumpsuit that makes her middle look like an inner tube. Sandro, however, is wearing these odd overalls that I most certainly want. Our guest today is my imaginary best friend, Kelly Osbourne. Introductions over and done with, it's time to see what's being shilled!
Team Red's garment is like a way better version of Tanorexic Blaine's interpretation of Libra from seasons ago. I like it but it looks weird, especially since they took "fluffy" a teense too literally. Team Awesome's garment IS FREAKING ADORABLE, I WANT IT SO BAD. Team Punk's isn't that bad but they (well, Sandro) did that poofy skirt thing that no one really likes. In fact, it reminds me of the "wee wee pad" dress Bryce made, again, from seasons ago. Team Magnet's sombrero hat is all sorts of amazing and you couldn't tell that the dress was made from hats. Team Vinyl's is a mess with a peplum. AND I HATE PEPLUMS. They're followed by ...That Team, complete with horrible pants. And there's really no explanation for Team Wisconsin, they're sucks from the get go.
Teams Punk, Red, and ...that Team are all safe so away they go. In the holding room, Sandro says something about a woman listening to a man. Seriously, no. Sue could burn off your pipi if she could. Heidi informs the remaining teams that only one person will win this challenge and one will be booted. Team Awesome and Magnet are on top and will be critiqued first while Teams Wisconsin and Vinyl go off to wait.
THE GOOD:
Team Awesome: Their words are "playful, energetic, fun". Kelly loves and wants the dress and finds that it is very "now". Heidi also wants it and tells them that it makes her smile. Zac thinks it's very inventive and it looks casual. Nina thinks it's adorable and it also makes her smile. She also says the styling is on point and it matches the spirit of Coney Island. When asked who should take responsibility if they win, Dom says Inga, since it was mostly her idea. Inga also says herself specifically for the reason that, had they been in the bottom, she would have taken responsibility as well. Go Inga!
Team Magnet: Heidi gushes over their wonderful teamwork. She's impressed with the dress and thinks it's like artwork. Nina thinks it's a high fashion moment and that it doesn't lose the fun as well. Kelly cannot believe the dress is nothing but sombreros. She also says the dress is very flattering and would be one that girls would want to wear. Zac is proud of them, calls it well done, and says that it matches Coney Island. For the winner question, Kate nominates Helen since it was mostly her vision and artistry.
THE BAD:
Team Vinyl: Zac thinks there is way too much going on and it looks too nautical, with kelp on the hem, seaweed elsewhere, and it looks like a hot mess. Kelly says that, because they used such loud colors, the colors could have spoken for themselves. Heidi also agrees that it's overdone and Nina says they got stuck in nowhere's land. Zac asks them to remove the jacket and the weird pink balls they have on the dress' sides and it looks miles better than before. When asked who should go home, neither man have an idea since it was more a collaboration.
Team Wisconsin: Heidi calls it boring and the bolero should be gone. Zac calls it a deflated pool toy. Nina hates the color combos. Kelly believes it should look better in black and white. When asked who should go, Miranda pins herself because it was mostly her design and because of her bad attitude. Then Twit opens his yap about the Titanic and other nonsense. Then he insults Miranda by saying that, if he had a BETTER partner, it might have turned out better. Kelly astutely points out that they did NOT work well together.
During closer looks and deliberations, Miranda and Twit continue to fight while the rest just glaze over it with ignorance. And then, it's decision time.
Winner: Helen! She wants to raise the roof because she's thrilled. Kate is also happy for her as well. They, as well as Team Awesome, are dismissed. Team Vinyl is safe as well.
Bottom Two: Miranda the Riveter and Twit-mothy.
Out: Twit. FINALLY.
Twit first starts talking about how Heidi told him that he's really something or something but, really, SHE SAYS THAT TO EVERYONE. And he cries the second he enters the holding room. And drama queens about something else. And, for no reason, regrets not dancing more. For the Tim Gunn take, well, he ain't stupid: He agreed with the judges. Twit is still going on, now about unicorns and how he'll always believe in them and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Next time: Jesse Tyler Fergurson appears and the challenge involves bowties. And Sandro finally loses it.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Project Runway: Diamond Lips and Hairy Hips
Previously on PROJECT RUNWAY: The first episode saw the return of Kate (whoever she is), making dresses out of parachutes, vagina drops, Timothy attempting to think, Bradon winning and Angela going for the lack of pants.
The new opening for this season is kind of sucky and the weird opening after makes my head spin. We're shown an armored car approaching Parsons so something weird is bound to happen. On the runway, two guards enter and the designers, especially Inga, are terrified, mostly because of the guns they're possessing. But soon something scarier turns up: Heidi with the button bag of doom. Kate is mortified and prays they're not doing a team challenge so early in the game. But first, let's see why the guards are here. Heidi and her ill-fitting top explain that the two men are here for millions and millions of reasons... which take the form in DIAMONDS, DIAMONDS, and more DIAMONDS. The models all enter wearing delectable pieces, looking all glittery, while Jeremy immediately designs in his head. After Heidi orgasms, she explains that the models are wearing almost $30 million dollars worth of DIAMONDS and other gems. These pieces will serve as the inspiration for the challenge. If I were there, I would be terrified to even breathe on these things, so the designers are all worked up in a tizzy in excitement.
With the exception of Twit-mothy, who wants nothing to do with money and finds that such things are superficial. This is the man who wore jewel encrusted heels last time and is currently competing for a prize package worth half a million dollars. Since he won the last challenge, Bradon picks first, and then the models are whittled down one by one. Nastasia (or whatever her name is) is picked by Prissy Punk Helen so I can only assume that she wet her pants the second she left the stage because she wouldn't be working with the douche again. Unfortunately, for the last girl, Sophie, Twit-mothy is the last designer so she's saddled with him. I'm also pretty sure she cringed. Now the the models are chosen, it's time to sketch!
In the workroom, we find that, because of how easy it is to "accidentally" take something so expensive, the designers are working with pictures of the jewelry. We also find that Dom shares my views in expensive things, with being afraid of touching it or something like that. Tim Gunn explains the Go-Bank situation, saying that the designers can manage their own money and are given $4000 for the entire season. He also says that the designers only have one day for this challenge, and Alexander provides a great sound bite by saying his bowels dropped when he heard that. Loudmouth Sandro runs around proclaiming his ideas for his design while Bradon just wants to take only one of the microscopic jewels. And then there's Twit-mothy. His idea revolves around a jewelry box made of velvet. Because that makes sense. Kahindo, on the other hand, FINALLY gives us some of her back story. She's going to design from an African point of view (she's from Uganda), while the other designs throw around the idea of evening gowns.
On our first Mood trip of the season, Karen is pumped. Tim advises the designers to not go batshit crazy with the money and sends them off to scurry with 45 minutes to shop. As Dom aims for the silk prints (ooooooooh), Twit-mothy beelines for... the garbage area. He deserves to be smacked. As Twit-mothy claims he's "at home", Tim tries to knock some sense into him by mentioning that, yes, Mood actually has organic fabrics, but that's ignored as Twit claims to remain true to himself. As Sue in her fabulous caftan searches for material, Loudmouth Sandro explains that he aims to make a shin length dress. I'm pretty sure ANY length dress is better than what happened last time. In the five minutes the designers have left, Twit actually finds blue velvet! We also get a glimpse that most of the designers are within the standard $200 range so they ain't stupid. And so, we bid adieu to Mood and Swatch, who I'm thrilled is still around.
Now, let's get on the getting the fabrics on. Kate worries that her design may turn out costumey but her vision is to make her model look like she can rule a country. Kind of like how Anna Kendrick could have a dancer's body and end world hunger with it. Then, there's a bit of a ruckus coming from the sewing room. Now, I wonder who can it be? Why it's Loudmouth Sandro, who's arguing with Ken ('memba him?) about messing up the machines and shouting at him to shut up. Yeah, I have no idea where this fight is going but Justin has the right idea and, after saying the fighting makes him nervous, removes the implant and continues sewing. Karen, however, has another tactic and goes kindergarten teacher on as she requests that we have "Hugs and Kisses" in the room. For that, she skyrocketed to being one of my favorites. Inga, the coolest broad ever, believes that Loudmouth's tirade (at decibel levels that match my brother's whenever he plays the Xbox or, according to me, the Shitbox) is just hiding his insecurities about how horrible his technical skills are. She suggests to everyone in the room to stop talking to him like she's a wildlife expert. Then Ken suggests Sandro is on his period.
Moving on, it's Aunt Sue's turn to recap the challenge this week. Bradon mentions that he does this all the time, designing garments around millions worth of jewels and-- oh wait, he's just kidding. HA! Kahindo is worried because her fabric is a lovely silk charmuse but she's never worked with it before. Justin, her neighbor, is also concerned because the fabric looks like camouflage. Tim Gunn enters for the RuPaul visits and, once again, enters a silent room. We're starting with Dom today, who Kate sees as a silent threat. Dom wants her outfit to reflect on the emeralds but Tim worries that it may turn out like something a Palm Springs gold digger would wear. Elsewhere, Inga's trim worries Tim while Sandro has no idea what she's doing. As Sue plans to show off the necklace, Justin is advised to get rid of the layers he has. However, Justin would rather go with his gut and, since he's not Twit, I'll let it slide. Bradon's gown is very gorgeous and Alexander finds it beautiful. Another surprise? The fabric was extremely cheap! It's actually a curtain fabric that looks expensive. Clever.
On to Kahindo. She's aiming to do something small and detailed, which matches her aesthetic. The yellows and browns in the dress would match the gold of the jewelry. Tim, however, is not pleased with the puckering and Jeremy believes that the dress looks kind of barfy. Kahindo is taken aback by the harsh criticism but goes with Tim's clever idea to cover the print with organza to hide the puckering. Tim moves on to Kate, who he can tell it's obviously her work. Alexander likes it but believes it looks too much like a Vivienne Westwood gown. Well, at least it's not a knock-off, KENLEY. Sandro, who has rubies, aims for a 50's inspiration but Dom finds that questionable. Prissy Punk Helen aims for a red carpet look, which is deemed by Jeremy to be too complicated. Over to Alexander, he describes the dress as multiple layers of chiffon, just enough to cover the country of Sri Lanka. Tim calls it "Granny" and Alexander's boner deflates.
So let's move on to an obvious bottom entry: Twit. His dress is covered with blue velvet, probably the most tackiest velvet I have seen. It also has a box covering the boobs. Ken finds Tim's expression absolutely hilarious. Miranda the Riveter finds the outfit a hot mess and, when Tim tries to give Twit some advice, Tim wonders if Twit is even listening to what he's saying. Duh, of course not, and Tim also says the dress is a hot mess. After Tim leaves the designers, Twit feels like a kicked puppy but Kahindo feels he has no idea who he even is as a designer. This is emphasized when Twit goes around asking EVERYBODY for advice, which annoys Bradon. Elsewhere, Prissy Punk Helen is going around giving her opinion, mostly unprompted, and Ken gives a hilarious stank face because of it. Kahindo continues to work with the organza but sees that she has a lot of work ahead of her.
The models arrive for the fittings so let's see what whack job idea Twit has in store for us THIS week. Inga is not amused and believes he should go back to school. But Inga! School isn't for pseudo-sustainable artists! It explains a lot! His model justifiably looks confused and must be feeling the pain Nastasia (or whatever her name is) felt last time. So, let's get a breath of fresh air from Kate. Her model loves the garment but I burst out laughing seeing how teeny Kate is compared to her.
With an hour to go, Helen wants to get a fishtail on her gown but believes the time restraints suck. Well, yeah, but this is what you signed up for right? RIGHT?! Much like how season 10 was filled with arrogant dimwits, this season is filled with oblivious dimwits. Anyway, she's worried it will look like garbage. In the sewing room, Aunt Sue, who hasn't gotten a lot of screen time this week, finds herself screwed because someone accidentally tampered with her machine. Seriously, why do these guys do that? Aren't there enough machines in there for each person? But, more importantly, DID YOU NOTICE THAT TWIT WAS USING AN ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE?!?!?!?! HYPOCRITE!!!! Back to Sue's predicament, someone has switched the threads and goes into the work room and politely asks who switched her black thread to green and if they can help her re-set it. Jeremy, however, bitches that she's just making up excuses. Since it was Dom who did it, she helps. Then, for no reason, Sue begins to flip out and dropping obscenities. Dom then declares she won't help Sue anymore, even if the stress might be the reason behind her outburst but maybe I'm just being too rational. Again.
Runway day arrives. Kahindo has lost her Bjork hairstyle and put it in a nice side sweep. She's dressed in a nice orange dress so Inga calls her a 60's go-go dancer, which prompts Kahindo to do a little dancing. One of the girls in the room, I think Kate, advises her that she probably shouldn't wear her big doorknocker earrings when they have $30 MILLION DOLLARS OF DIAMONDS on the runway and, hilariously, Kahindo takes them off. In the men's room, Loudmouth Sandro calls Twit "Amish" (eeh) and believes he's going home next. The other guys try to chalk up his absurdity with his juvenile behavior but Sandro isn't having it.
The home stretch in the workroom finds Sandro asking for a pin to sew on his "hookers". The entire room laughs but I'm pretty sure he got it as well. Prissy Punk Helen has a lot of things to do, all of them that she's never even tried to do before, such as a bust cup. Alexander thinks it's kind of dumb to do that NOW. The models arrive and the chaos ensues as always. Twit is thrilled with his newer dress that he claims to have sewn within 3 hours.
Jeremy has no idea what the eff is going on with Twit's garment, and I have no idea why Kahindo would say that her garment would be something Michelle Obama would wear. Uh, no! Helen feels threatened by Kate because her look is fittedand put together. In the painting station, the make up artist tells Twit that L'oreal actually has "sustainable" products so his girl won't go barefaced again! Anyone wanna pray that he lied just to get back at Twit for being such a dumbass? Dom puts a headband on her girl and it's called "Josephine Baker". Sandro puts a bra on his head and I call it "Huh?"
In the 10 minute klaxon, Sandro is flipping out. He's trying to steam his dress but cannot find the steamer and, when he does, has no idea how to use it so he loudly demands help. I sort of saw Inga attempting to help but Sandro has a hissy fit and goes to grab A CREW MEMBER and literally drag him to the steamer. Fearing that he may lose his job (and probably his life), the flaming crew person says that he has to set up for the runway and flits away. Sandro then pretty much gives up and tries not to cry. I want it to be enduring but his horrible attitude is not helping.
I kind of sort of managed to catch the list of prizes Heidi rattles off so here's a short hand version of it: A lot of money from Go-Bank, products from HP, Year supply of water no one has ever heard of before, spa retreat for winner and their partner/fuck buddy, opportunity to design for Belk that will go unheeded, complete sewing stuff, spread in Marie Claire, a car, an allowance from Tide Pods, and more money from L'Oreal. The model simply gets money and a spread. Now, onto the show!
Heidi is wearing something better suited for Sue. Our guest judge this week is Eric Damen (?), an Emmy winning costume designer. After the spiel about the challenge and how the runways are anonymous, the show commences.
Dom's is very flowy and doesn't look like a muumuu at all and Justin's is elegant and divine. However, I hate the hair choice he made for her. Ken's looks lopsided and I'm pretty sure was ripped off from an 80's Barbie model. Kahindo's does look like camouflage but the organza emphasizes the effect while hiding the puckering, so, again, it's blah. Inga's is all sorts of glamorous and her model plays the part very well. Miranda the Riveter's garment looks exactly the same as last time while Alexander's might as well be a tornado of chiffon with a nice touch of yellow in the sleeves. This is one of those garments where I would spin around like Wonder Woman going "WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kate's is very couture and Twit's is a hot, sloppy mess. Karen's kind of basic and Jeremy has a case of Pigpen tulle. Sandro's looks like it's made of cardboard but anything is better than last time. For no apparent reason, Helen starting crying as soon as her model hits the runway. Tim sees it, stops the show (at least, that's what editing suggests) and, after she tells him she's having a panic attack, gently tells her to man the fuck up. We finally see the dress and it's a huge disaster. Sue, once again, shows impeccable rouching on her dress and Bradon's looks expensive.
Our tops and bottoms are Kate, Loudmouth, Kahindo, Helen, Twit (duh), and Dom. Other designers, vamoose! Sidenote: Sue is like freakin' tall.
THE GOOD:
Dom: She wanted to give the effect that the garment drips with emeralds. Nina finds the garment to be serious, young, and loves the perspective the print gives. However, her shoddy hems distract from the rest of the look. It's a look Heidi would wear but she hates the Josephine Baker headband. Zac likes how it moves and Eric likes how it looks young.
Kate: After telling Nina she's been dying to come back, Heidi says that she instantly knew it was Kate's design due to the corset. The dress is pretty, pretty, pretty. Eric likes her backstory for the dress (Marie Antoinette wrapped in a bed sheet) and how the color makes the jewels pop. Nina likes the color as well and Zac enjoys the asymmetry of the gown.
Loudmouth: Heidi knocks him for doing too much on his girl but says that, this time, it works. Eric says it was smart of him to go with earth tones to compliment the jewels but the lacing on the sides looks bad. Nina likes the fabric choice because it's a risk. Zac says the sides makes the dress look kind of trashy..
THE BAD:
Twit: Heidi is pleasantly surprised that he put make up on his girl this time but knocks him for the lack of hair. Heidi asks about the fabric, which he gleefully says he got out of the trash. Zac, who is pretty sure it's the same fabric from his collection, only likes the bottom but the top is backwards. Heidi says that it's impractical since there is no bra that would work with this "razorfront". Eric thinks the colors overwhelm the jewels and Nina knocks him for not doing something so genderbender, especially considering that he wore heels last week.
Kahindo: Heidi feels she didn't do enough and it's boring. Eric finds the colors look good for her model's hair but not the necklace. Then either he or Zac tell her that it's not the smartest idea to look better than the model on the runway. Zac finds the print to be hard. Nina thinks the dress is nicely made but it isn't exciting.
Prissy Punk Helen: Let's look at this dump. Heidi is ticked off that the designers who compete on this program always tend to make the dumb choice to experiment right then and there. The rouching is horrible on the back. Zac tells there that there are reasons why dresses like these take days to make. Eric explains time management to her. Nina says the imperfections distract from the jewelry but my jaw drops when she points out Helen is A FREAKIN' BRIDAL/EVENING WEAR DESIGNER. Helen then makes her "Ride or Die, Bitch" speech and Nina says she admires her passion (probably to shut her up). But, hold on, Sandro has something to say but I have no idea what he said so Heidi lays down the law: It's about the GARMENT, not the PERSONALITIES.
Closer looks and deliberations fly by and, while I want to sew Sandro's lips shut, our two soundbites are "Hairy Hips" in reference to Helen's disaster and Nina being NICE for a change.
Winner: Kate! She's thrilled that she won and is grateful for the second chance.
Dom is told that her risks paid off and is safe. Sandro is dismissed and Helen is spared as well, thanking them for the criticism in the flattest, robotic voice I have ever heard.
Bottom Two: Twit and Kahindo
Out: Kahindo
Twit lives on for another challenge. Still, Kahindo seemed like a ball of sunshine. She's disappointed, still believes the criticism was harsh, but at least she knows who she is as a designer. Justin looks devastated. Kahindo, being a lady of class, says that she may be going home, but she's going home in grace. Kiss you, miss you. As for the Tim Gunn tidbit, he agrees with the judges so he's not saving her.
Next time: Heidi makes a wake up call, the group goes to Coney Island for what appears to be another unconventional challenge, fights about with Sue and Sandro, and Miranda and Twit. Miranda sobs about therapy, but I'm excited because my imaginary bestie KELLY OSBOURNE is there.
The new opening for this season is kind of sucky and the weird opening after makes my head spin. We're shown an armored car approaching Parsons so something weird is bound to happen. On the runway, two guards enter and the designers, especially Inga, are terrified, mostly because of the guns they're possessing. But soon something scarier turns up: Heidi with the button bag of doom. Kate is mortified and prays they're not doing a team challenge so early in the game. But first, let's see why the guards are here. Heidi and her ill-fitting top explain that the two men are here for millions and millions of reasons... which take the form in DIAMONDS, DIAMONDS, and more DIAMONDS. The models all enter wearing delectable pieces, looking all glittery, while Jeremy immediately designs in his head. After Heidi orgasms, she explains that the models are wearing almost $30 million dollars worth of DIAMONDS and other gems. These pieces will serve as the inspiration for the challenge. If I were there, I would be terrified to even breathe on these things, so the designers are all worked up in a tizzy in excitement.
With the exception of Twit-mothy, who wants nothing to do with money and finds that such things are superficial. This is the man who wore jewel encrusted heels last time and is currently competing for a prize package worth half a million dollars. Since he won the last challenge, Bradon picks first, and then the models are whittled down one by one. Nastasia (or whatever her name is) is picked by Prissy Punk Helen so I can only assume that she wet her pants the second she left the stage because she wouldn't be working with the douche again. Unfortunately, for the last girl, Sophie, Twit-mothy is the last designer so she's saddled with him. I'm also pretty sure she cringed. Now the the models are chosen, it's time to sketch!
In the workroom, we find that, because of how easy it is to "accidentally" take something so expensive, the designers are working with pictures of the jewelry. We also find that Dom shares my views in expensive things, with being afraid of touching it or something like that. Tim Gunn explains the Go-Bank situation, saying that the designers can manage their own money and are given $4000 for the entire season. He also says that the designers only have one day for this challenge, and Alexander provides a great sound bite by saying his bowels dropped when he heard that. Loudmouth Sandro runs around proclaiming his ideas for his design while Bradon just wants to take only one of the microscopic jewels. And then there's Twit-mothy. His idea revolves around a jewelry box made of velvet. Because that makes sense. Kahindo, on the other hand, FINALLY gives us some of her back story. She's going to design from an African point of view (she's from Uganda), while the other designs throw around the idea of evening gowns.
On our first Mood trip of the season, Karen is pumped. Tim advises the designers to not go batshit crazy with the money and sends them off to scurry with 45 minutes to shop. As Dom aims for the silk prints (ooooooooh), Twit-mothy beelines for... the garbage area. He deserves to be smacked. As Twit-mothy claims he's "at home", Tim tries to knock some sense into him by mentioning that, yes, Mood actually has organic fabrics, but that's ignored as Twit claims to remain true to himself. As Sue in her fabulous caftan searches for material, Loudmouth Sandro explains that he aims to make a shin length dress. I'm pretty sure ANY length dress is better than what happened last time. In the five minutes the designers have left, Twit actually finds blue velvet! We also get a glimpse that most of the designers are within the standard $200 range so they ain't stupid. And so, we bid adieu to Mood and Swatch, who I'm thrilled is still around.
Now, let's get on the getting the fabrics on. Kate worries that her design may turn out costumey but her vision is to make her model look like she can rule a country. Kind of like how Anna Kendrick could have a dancer's body and end world hunger with it. Then, there's a bit of a ruckus coming from the sewing room. Now, I wonder who can it be? Why it's Loudmouth Sandro, who's arguing with Ken ('memba him?) about messing up the machines and shouting at him to shut up. Yeah, I have no idea where this fight is going but Justin has the right idea and, after saying the fighting makes him nervous, removes the implant and continues sewing. Karen, however, has another tactic and goes kindergarten teacher on as she requests that we have "Hugs and Kisses" in the room. For that, she skyrocketed to being one of my favorites. Inga, the coolest broad ever, believes that Loudmouth's tirade (at decibel levels that match my brother's whenever he plays the Xbox or, according to me, the Shitbox) is just hiding his insecurities about how horrible his technical skills are. She suggests to everyone in the room to stop talking to him like she's a wildlife expert. Then Ken suggests Sandro is on his period.
Moving on, it's Aunt Sue's turn to recap the challenge this week. Bradon mentions that he does this all the time, designing garments around millions worth of jewels and-- oh wait, he's just kidding. HA! Kahindo is worried because her fabric is a lovely silk charmuse but she's never worked with it before. Justin, her neighbor, is also concerned because the fabric looks like camouflage. Tim Gunn enters for the RuPaul visits and, once again, enters a silent room. We're starting with Dom today, who Kate sees as a silent threat. Dom wants her outfit to reflect on the emeralds but Tim worries that it may turn out like something a Palm Springs gold digger would wear. Elsewhere, Inga's trim worries Tim while Sandro has no idea what she's doing. As Sue plans to show off the necklace, Justin is advised to get rid of the layers he has. However, Justin would rather go with his gut and, since he's not Twit, I'll let it slide. Bradon's gown is very gorgeous and Alexander finds it beautiful. Another surprise? The fabric was extremely cheap! It's actually a curtain fabric that looks expensive. Clever.
On to Kahindo. She's aiming to do something small and detailed, which matches her aesthetic. The yellows and browns in the dress would match the gold of the jewelry. Tim, however, is not pleased with the puckering and Jeremy believes that the dress looks kind of barfy. Kahindo is taken aback by the harsh criticism but goes with Tim's clever idea to cover the print with organza to hide the puckering. Tim moves on to Kate, who he can tell it's obviously her work. Alexander likes it but believes it looks too much like a Vivienne Westwood gown. Well, at least it's not a knock-off, KENLEY. Sandro, who has rubies, aims for a 50's inspiration but Dom finds that questionable. Prissy Punk Helen aims for a red carpet look, which is deemed by Jeremy to be too complicated. Over to Alexander, he describes the dress as multiple layers of chiffon, just enough to cover the country of Sri Lanka. Tim calls it "Granny" and Alexander's boner deflates.
So let's move on to an obvious bottom entry: Twit. His dress is covered with blue velvet, probably the most tackiest velvet I have seen. It also has a box covering the boobs. Ken finds Tim's expression absolutely hilarious. Miranda the Riveter finds the outfit a hot mess and, when Tim tries to give Twit some advice, Tim wonders if Twit is even listening to what he's saying. Duh, of course not, and Tim also says the dress is a hot mess. After Tim leaves the designers, Twit feels like a kicked puppy but Kahindo feels he has no idea who he even is as a designer. This is emphasized when Twit goes around asking EVERYBODY for advice, which annoys Bradon. Elsewhere, Prissy Punk Helen is going around giving her opinion, mostly unprompted, and Ken gives a hilarious stank face because of it. Kahindo continues to work with the organza but sees that she has a lot of work ahead of her.
The models arrive for the fittings so let's see what whack job idea Twit has in store for us THIS week. Inga is not amused and believes he should go back to school. But Inga! School isn't for pseudo-sustainable artists! It explains a lot! His model justifiably looks confused and must be feeling the pain Nastasia (or whatever her name is) felt last time. So, let's get a breath of fresh air from Kate. Her model loves the garment but I burst out laughing seeing how teeny Kate is compared to her.
With an hour to go, Helen wants to get a fishtail on her gown but believes the time restraints suck. Well, yeah, but this is what you signed up for right? RIGHT?! Much like how season 10 was filled with arrogant dimwits, this season is filled with oblivious dimwits. Anyway, she's worried it will look like garbage. In the sewing room, Aunt Sue, who hasn't gotten a lot of screen time this week, finds herself screwed because someone accidentally tampered with her machine. Seriously, why do these guys do that? Aren't there enough machines in there for each person? But, more importantly, DID YOU NOTICE THAT TWIT WAS USING AN ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE?!?!?!?! HYPOCRITE!!!! Back to Sue's predicament, someone has switched the threads and goes into the work room and politely asks who switched her black thread to green and if they can help her re-set it. Jeremy, however, bitches that she's just making up excuses. Since it was Dom who did it, she helps. Then, for no reason, Sue begins to flip out and dropping obscenities. Dom then declares she won't help Sue anymore, even if the stress might be the reason behind her outburst but maybe I'm just being too rational. Again.
Runway day arrives. Kahindo has lost her Bjork hairstyle and put it in a nice side sweep. She's dressed in a nice orange dress so Inga calls her a 60's go-go dancer, which prompts Kahindo to do a little dancing. One of the girls in the room, I think Kate, advises her that she probably shouldn't wear her big doorknocker earrings when they have $30 MILLION DOLLARS OF DIAMONDS on the runway and, hilariously, Kahindo takes them off. In the men's room, Loudmouth Sandro calls Twit "Amish" (eeh) and believes he's going home next. The other guys try to chalk up his absurdity with his juvenile behavior but Sandro isn't having it.
The home stretch in the workroom finds Sandro asking for a pin to sew on his "hookers". The entire room laughs but I'm pretty sure he got it as well. Prissy Punk Helen has a lot of things to do, all of them that she's never even tried to do before, such as a bust cup. Alexander thinks it's kind of dumb to do that NOW. The models arrive and the chaos ensues as always. Twit is thrilled with his newer dress that he claims to have sewn within 3 hours.
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| Lana Del Rey, however, is not impressed. |
Jeremy has no idea what the eff is going on with Twit's garment, and I have no idea why Kahindo would say that her garment would be something Michelle Obama would wear. Uh, no! Helen feels threatened by Kate because her look is fitted
In the 10 minute klaxon, Sandro is flipping out. He's trying to steam his dress but cannot find the steamer and, when he does, has no idea how to use it so he loudly demands help. I sort of saw Inga attempting to help but Sandro has a hissy fit and goes to grab A CREW MEMBER and literally drag him to the steamer. Fearing that he may lose his job (and probably his life), the flaming crew person says that he has to set up for the runway and flits away. Sandro then pretty much gives up and tries not to cry. I want it to be enduring but his horrible attitude is not helping.
I kind of sort of managed to catch the list of prizes Heidi rattles off so here's a short hand version of it: A lot of money from Go-Bank, products from HP, Year supply of water no one has ever heard of before, spa retreat for winner and their partner/fuck buddy, opportunity to design for Belk that will go unheeded, complete sewing stuff, spread in Marie Claire, a car, an allowance from Tide Pods, and more money from L'Oreal. The model simply gets money and a spread. Now, onto the show!
Heidi is wearing something better suited for Sue. Our guest judge this week is Eric Damen (?), an Emmy winning costume designer. After the spiel about the challenge and how the runways are anonymous, the show commences.
Dom's is very flowy and doesn't look like a muumuu at all and Justin's is elegant and divine. However, I hate the hair choice he made for her. Ken's looks lopsided and I'm pretty sure was ripped off from an 80's Barbie model. Kahindo's does look like camouflage but the organza emphasizes the effect while hiding the puckering, so, again, it's blah. Inga's is all sorts of glamorous and her model plays the part very well. Miranda the Riveter's garment looks exactly the same as last time while Alexander's might as well be a tornado of chiffon with a nice touch of yellow in the sleeves. This is one of those garments where I would spin around like Wonder Woman going "WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kate's is very couture and Twit's is a hot, sloppy mess. Karen's kind of basic and Jeremy has a case of Pigpen tulle. Sandro's looks like it's made of cardboard but anything is better than last time. For no apparent reason, Helen starting crying as soon as her model hits the runway. Tim sees it, stops the show (at least, that's what editing suggests) and, after she tells him she's having a panic attack, gently tells her to man the fuck up. We finally see the dress and it's a huge disaster. Sue, once again, shows impeccable rouching on her dress and Bradon's looks expensive.
Our tops and bottoms are Kate, Loudmouth, Kahindo, Helen, Twit (duh), and Dom. Other designers, vamoose! Sidenote: Sue is like freakin' tall.
THE GOOD:
Dom: She wanted to give the effect that the garment drips with emeralds. Nina finds the garment to be serious, young, and loves the perspective the print gives. However, her shoddy hems distract from the rest of the look. It's a look Heidi would wear but she hates the Josephine Baker headband. Zac likes how it moves and Eric likes how it looks young.
Kate: After telling Nina she's been dying to come back, Heidi says that she instantly knew it was Kate's design due to the corset. The dress is pretty, pretty, pretty. Eric likes her backstory for the dress (Marie Antoinette wrapped in a bed sheet) and how the color makes the jewels pop. Nina likes the color as well and Zac enjoys the asymmetry of the gown.
Loudmouth: Heidi knocks him for doing too much on his girl but says that, this time, it works. Eric says it was smart of him to go with earth tones to compliment the jewels but the lacing on the sides looks bad. Nina likes the fabric choice because it's a risk. Zac says the sides makes the dress look kind of trashy..
THE BAD:
Twit: Heidi is pleasantly surprised that he put make up on his girl this time but knocks him for the lack of hair. Heidi asks about the fabric, which he gleefully says he got out of the trash. Zac, who is pretty sure it's the same fabric from his collection, only likes the bottom but the top is backwards. Heidi says that it's impractical since there is no bra that would work with this "razorfront". Eric thinks the colors overwhelm the jewels and Nina knocks him for not doing something so genderbender, especially considering that he wore heels last week.
Kahindo: Heidi feels she didn't do enough and it's boring. Eric finds the colors look good for her model's hair but not the necklace. Then either he or Zac tell her that it's not the smartest idea to look better than the model on the runway. Zac finds the print to be hard. Nina thinks the dress is nicely made but it isn't exciting.
Prissy Punk Helen: Let's look at this dump. Heidi is ticked off that the designers who compete on this program always tend to make the dumb choice to experiment right then and there. The rouching is horrible on the back. Zac tells there that there are reasons why dresses like these take days to make. Eric explains time management to her. Nina says the imperfections distract from the jewelry but my jaw drops when she points out Helen is A FREAKIN' BRIDAL/EVENING WEAR DESIGNER. Helen then makes her "Ride or Die, Bitch" speech and Nina says she admires her passion (probably to shut her up). But, hold on, Sandro has something to say but I have no idea what he said so Heidi lays down the law: It's about the GARMENT, not the PERSONALITIES.
Closer looks and deliberations fly by and, while I want to sew Sandro's lips shut, our two soundbites are "Hairy Hips" in reference to Helen's disaster and Nina being NICE for a change.
Winner: Kate! She's thrilled that she won and is grateful for the second chance.
Dom is told that her risks paid off and is safe. Sandro is dismissed and Helen is spared as well, thanking them for the criticism in the flattest, robotic voice I have ever heard.
Bottom Two: Twit and Kahindo
Out: Kahindo
Twit lives on for another challenge. Still, Kahindo seemed like a ball of sunshine. She's disappointed, still believes the criticism was harsh, but at least she knows who she is as a designer. Justin looks devastated. Kahindo, being a lady of class, says that she may be going home, but she's going home in grace. Kiss you, miss you. As for the Tim Gunn tidbit, he agrees with the judges so he's not saving her.
Next time: Heidi makes a wake up call, the group goes to Coney Island for what appears to be another unconventional challenge, fights about with Sue and Sandro, and Miranda and Twit. Miranda sobs about therapy, but I'm excited because my imaginary bestie KELLY OSBOURNE is there.
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