The team files in for the pyramid but Kelly and Paige are nowhere in sight, to Abby's confusion. Brooke informs her that they're at the doctor's checking out Paige's foot and Abby's all "REALLY? THEY HAD TO DO IT TODAY?!" Way to be concerned, Jabba. Christi and Melissa (yeah, Melissa) inform Jabba the Lee that it may be more than a broken toe. Abby bypasses that and tells the girls that they really should listen to her from now on AND DON'T DO FREAKIN' TUCKS ON CEMENT. Christi bemoans that Abby is always finding things to blame beyond herself being close to Pheces O'Ptosis in regards to human likability, which is close to zero. In the room, she also asks about Jill-Cher, another one close to Pheces and Jabba's likability standing. Abby says that Kendall's not an official member of the team so she's not needed here. She moves on about the great competition from last time. All the solos placed in the top 10 and the group won. This week is another Starbound competition in Philidelphia, PA, which is basically walking distance from the studio. Abby then brags about how this is important for them since they're basically plastered all over their brochures and magazines. In her mind, at least.
Absentee Paige is the first on the bottom for placing 6th and busting her foot. Mackenzie is next because, even though she didn't really do anything at the last competition, she's still there to learn. Chloe is next because there isn't much to be judged on beyond the group. Brooke is in the middle for her maturity and Nia went out and sold her solo, which Holly beams. As always, Maddie is on top as everyone golf claps for her high scoring win.
This week, everyone but Mackenzie will be in the group, a French based number called "Alouette" which, of course, is the song they're using. Macks will be doing a solo, however, as will Maddie (duh) and Brooke. Brooke's solo will be inspired by Anne Frank but Brooke astutely points out that she has no idea how this will associate with dance. Now, Chloe and Paige have been lobbying to do a duet together but Paige might be knocked out and Jabba the Lee decides to pick this moment to tell her that this would've been that week. Oopsy-tootsy! If I were Chloe, I would've strangled Abby for being such a douche.
Now, let's begin the rehearsals, shall we? As Abby teaches a ballet class (yeah, NOW she does ballet classes) in order to prep the girls for the routine, Christi is hoping Paige will show up with either good, or bad, news, considering the two girls have been asking for this duet FOR NINE YEARS. As Abby is hoping that Paige will only be out for a few days to two weeks, proving she's an idiot, the girl of the hour and Kelly arrive. Busted-Foot Paige is in a Darth Vader boot and Kelly breaks the bad news: She broke her foot and she's going to have to be in the boot for 4-6 weeks. Christi knows Chloe is going to be crushed by this and Paige is upset more about the duet than the broken foot and now they're going to have to wait even longer. Aww. Asshat Abby has no idea how this'll work out for Nationals (keep this in mind for later, when she worries about qualifying for Nationals).
Kelly trudges on up to the Mom booth and says, "My baby's broken." Ha! Then she moans about breaking the news to Abby, because I'm sure if Paige told her the news alone, Abby would have broken her spine next. But now Kelly's focus is shifting towards her other daughter: Brooke's hip/back is acting up again. And she's doing yet another acro routine. Kelly senses trouble. Someday, her kids won't be falling apart physically and emotionally. This isn't made any better by the arrival of Jill-Cher and poor Kendall, who "weren't informed" about the Pyramid (take the hint: SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU), as Kendall is shipped off to classes. On their way inside, they run into Paige, who Kendall politely asks about her foot. Then the gears in Jill-Cher's head start a turning. Kendall confessionalizes that she feels bad but
The front desk has been getting an annoying amount of time this part of the season, hasn't it? Since when did anyone care about what happens at the front desk? Anyway, Jill-Cher decides to bring in her head of hot air to bring up Paige's busted foot. Abby's all, "NO, SHE BROKE HER TOE INTO HER FOOT."... then, it's a broken foot, right? The moms are shocked Jill-Cher is sniffing out this opportunity like this and Christi is rooting for Abby for a change. And, just like that, the earth shifted a little. Abby then brings up Jill-Cher's desertion from the team for the trillionth time and how she didn't let Abby do her job. She confessionalizes that Jill-Cher probably didn't learned anything the first time around! As the moms eavesdrop, Jill-Cher then rats out that none of the other girls have been attending class. Maybe that's because THEY'RE FILMING? And REHEARSING? And since Abby, the OWNER, is overlooking them, they can? Jill-Cher says Kendall deserves to be on the team but Abby's all, "She deserves NOTHING." Harsh. Kelly storms down to tell Jill-Cher that Paige isn't off the team, she's just sidelined by an injury but logic flies over Jill-Cher's head. And then she confronts her about going to an innocent kid first before going to the moms. And then they get into a screaming match while Abby watches. Same old, same old.
It's a different day and there's another desk moment. Melissa breaks the news that Maddie is flying out to film for Drop Dead Diva and Abby tries to make it seem that she's going to miss a lot of rehearsal time for this. Of course, she's in the same episode so I'm going to believe that this is just another ruse. She hopes Maddie doesn't come back as a Hollywood diva... so why did you have her bring in her crowns and tell her to rub things in the others' faces again? Focus shifts over to Brooke, rehearsing her Anne Frank solo, which Abby says is about the Holocaust and it's going to be deep or something. Does she want this episode to be banned too? But this isn't nearly as shocking as Kelly admitting that she has no idea who Anne Frank was. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME? Did she flunk history in school? Holly is about as shocked as I am, of course with no profanity. Kelly does know that whoever Anne Frank was, she certainly wasn't doing cartwheels and acrobatics.
 |
| Not an acrobat. |
Next, Macks, in some pretty cute dance attire, rehearses her solo titled, "You Know You Love It". Abby comments that she's improving as a dancer, performer, and, I think, an acrobat. I'm pretty sure Maddie wasn't given acro heavy solos at her age so if Abby whines about that again, I'm going to choke someone. Nevermind, Jill-Cher just came in. Christi knows that she'll stop at nothing in order to get her way... eh, for Kendall. Abby says she's going to have auditions to fill in for Paige in the duet, which is weird since Kendall is also trying out and she's not even on the team, as Holly points out. A now braid-free Nia auditions with Chloe first. While I like the two of them, Nia isn't up to snuff and Abby points out she's a bit off. She can't use Maddie because she has a solo already and Brooke is in too much pain to dance. In the Mom Booth, Christi wants to know if Abby called Jill-Cher to come in. She replies she didn't, but only to bring "the kid" to class. Then Jill-Cher gets defensive and uses poor Kendall as a shield and calls the moms "selfish". Uh, not as much as you? I'm not sure who said it but someone wants them to be happy but not at the expense at their own kids. Holly says that her daughter has been there from day in to day out but some of Abby's practices are unfair. At some point, the moms go down to confront Abby, where Holly, beret in hand, brings up that Kendall was dragged out for a few weeks but Nia's been there since day one. Why the injustice? But winning-focused Abby goes apeshit as Holly counters by telling her to not act belligerent. Well, that's what Abby's gonna do but Holly says she's just acting like a fool. GO HOLLY!
Abby laments that this week has been tough (man, even I need a drink). Paige has a busted foot, Brooding Brooke has back pain, and Maddie's away in Atlanta filming (not like she would be worried since SHE'S IN THE SAME EPISODE). So, as a precaution, Kendall's being put in the group number, which might get Jill-Cher off Abby's back. Well, no, but it's worth a shot... of tequila. The group's looking sloppy but, in the mom booth, Jill-Cher's not-so-subtle scheming is shown when she thinks that Brooke should take a break in order to rest her back. Christi eerily points out that anywhere Jill-Cher has been, someone's been injured. First Taylor at the Crapple's with her ankle, now Paige with her foot. Maybe Jill-Cher is secretly Tonya Harding's cousin. She again reminds us that nothing's gonna stop Jill-Cher from getting Kendall on the team.
Jill-Cher then believes there's another opening since Maddie isn't there and asks for her whereabout. The moms tell her about Drop Dead Diva but we don't care about that. So, let's just head over to Atlanta where Maddie Blanche DuBois is filming. Melissa states, "Maddie and I are getting ready for filming." Uh, they're only filming the kid, fame whore. Maddie's excited but she's no actor, really. Then again, she's nine so poo-poo on me with my opinion. Then Melissa coughs out some bullshit by saying she feels bad she's there and the moms aren't. I'll bet.
Back in PA, Abby has decided to put Kendall in the duet. Kendall reads off the teleprompter that she's glad because this could be her redemption moment. Just off your mom and you're free, honey. Abby, on the other hand, doesn't want to deal with Jill-Cher and wishes she would shut up and let Ken dance. Jill-Cher, naturally, doesn't care if the moms are getting annoyed and that this is Kendall's road for success. Yes, by shoving her around everywhere on national television. In the meanwhile, Maddie has returned from the South and tells Abby she shot two scenes and a solo onstage. Not that she would know anyway. Melissa the Snatch even says they gave her a standing O. Look, she's not Anne Hathaway, she's just a 9-year-old dancer. OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO CLAP. Maddie says she had fun but now it's time to work: she's got to get ready for this competition. Whatever. Yes, Abby, of course she was rehearsing while filming. She needs something to do between takes. Also, close your damn mouth whenever she dances. Maddie's worried about missing a day of rehearsal, Abby can tell she's not all there, and I'm rolling my eyes.
To the Philly cheese-steak! While it may not be far from the studio, Abby knows there's going to be some tough competition from New York and New Jersey and whatnot. She inquires about Brooke, who looks like she can barely move. She's gonna try to find the tenacity to do the group number which has them looking like slutty mimes. Then Abby recaps all her woes and how the group can come crashing down at any minute. Well, we'll see about that.
One of the Starbound judges is (assumingly edited) bopping to the cutesy music. Jill-Cher sucks up about Kendall, but Christi truly was impressed by this routine. I thought it was pretty cute. Kelly is glad Brooke managed to dance but, of course, Abby isn't impressed, saying their ballet isn't up to par (it could be that you emphasize more on acro tricks than ballet technique. We figured that out back at the Joffrey audition). She enters the room and says the piece was "comme ci, comme ca." Hey, she does know some French! She says they're really gonna have to win first if they want to go to Nationals, which I'm pretty sure is more bullshit but they haven't said anything about regional competitions since season 1. Well, she doesn't have to worry about that because THEY WIN! Everyone is pleased but why is Mackenzie bowing with them? She wasn't in the number! Christi is proud they won by their own merit and not by glitz and glamour through costumes and themes. Abby can't believe they won (way to have confidence) but, hey, they'll take it! She wants to end the day with a clean sweep. Well, it's nice to have a dream.
Back in the dressing room, poor Brooke's back has gotten worse. Abby believes it's because she doesn't want to dance and lose. Uh, no, I think it's because she can't move due to the pain inflicted by a psycho dance teacher! She tries to convince her by putting her pain into the piece. Brooke tries to do some stretches to ease the pain but it's not working (plus, her costume... wtf? It doesn't look like ANYTHING related to Anne Frank, WWII... just another dainty acro dress). Kelly is getting concerned, because she's well aware that backs are not to be messed with (ain't that the truth, sister.).
Macks goes to dance in an adorable heart inspired costume. She says to be nervous but she's still doing the same old crap she's been doing in every single number she's ever done. But she's adorable so I'll give her a pass. Abby says she was on fire, Melissa says she hit every move, Macks is happy and thought she danced well, and I'm bored to tears.
It's time to check on Brooke and Kelly's not shitting around anymore so she pulls out the heavy artillery. I have no idea what she's using (it looks like electrodes) but I could definitely use whatever she's using the next time my back goes all knotty and kerplooey. In fact, I'm adding it to my wish list now. Kelly says she knew what she had to do as a mom. She breaks the news to Abby that Brooke probably cannot dance and starts crying because she doesn't think Brooke can do it, even when pushed. I think she's crying because she has one kid with a busted foot but now the other one is in critical pain. Jill-Cher, ever the team player, says that she wishes the solo was pulled earlier so Kendall could get a solo. Not happening anytime soon
Maddie performs her solo after worrying about missing a day of rehearsal but I despise her oddly-cut nightie costume. The editors have Melissa say the exact same things she said about Macks dance and Abby says that Maddie is a true professional. But now it's time for the duet, "Chasing Answers", to go, which is important for Kendall since she's crawling back to Abby. Though I have no idea what they're supposed to be (apparently, a daisy and a tulip), Chloe, as always, is sharp, strong, and great but Kendall looks terrified. Christi thinks the number was fantastic, Jill-Cher thinks Kendall deserves to be on the team, and Abby thought it lacked intensity.
Solo awards! Melissa is right to be nervous about not getting a clean sweep as Macks wins second, which, in Abby's world, is first loser. Maddie wins for junior (duh) and the duet wins as well! Jill-Cher is thrilled (sort of) but I'm more distracted by Chloe and Kendall giving each other the congratulatory hug. It warmed my heart (a teense).
Back in the dressing room, Abby gives Maddie a hug, giving Christi a case of bitchface. Abby then makes Maddie perform the solo she did for Drop Dead Diva, which is ludicrous and ridiculous. Christi can't believe Abby is doing this and pretty much having Maddie subconsciously rub it in their faces. Kelly thinks everyone should get the opportunity but, for no reason, Melissa drags Maddie out of the room. Then Christi begins to ramp up with rage, calling Abby a vulture and calling her out for giving their kids false hope while still favoring Maddie. Then Abby goes VERY low and calls Chloe a sneak. SINCE WHEN?! Chloe is humiliated and terrified and runs out of the room in tears with the other girls trying to calm her down (hey, the first time the KIDS leave the room alone). It quickly degenerates into a screaming match about talent, Brooke, and Christi calling Abby a whore. But the BEST quote is one Kelly told Christi, which goes a little something like this...
"Maybe you're still a virgin because you can't find someone to fuck!"
WHOA. I'm kind of impressed.
Next time: Melissa goes into bipolar mode,screaming at the moms for accusing her of having an affair with her boss (don't think she means Abby). The Crapples return with the two guest guys, as they do some naughty schoolgirl number, Abby allegedly curses in front of Maddie, and Melissa screams at Cathy. Obscenities fly.
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