Chris reads: Reviews from Dora the Explorer Live! At St. George Theatre

So last weekend (and year), I performed in Dora the Explorer LIVE! at the St. George Theatre, Staten Island. In 2013, I was Isa (last minute) and this time, I was Swiper. I stumbled upon the reviews via Ticket master and, well, some people had their opinions. And I'll offer my rebuttal. But I will skip a few, since they all were about the same and/or out of my hands, like the costumes and sound system.

From 2013:

"This show is awful. The characters are played by people wearing nasty run down costumes. My daughter was horrified. Boots costume was half on an u could see his face. Why wouldnt they have the costumes where the person was inside and your not able to see the face. I would like my money back if i could get it. Horribly disappointed in this and the portrail of thr show. I was under the impression that the characters would look like the show."

Well, yes, of course the characters are played by people wearing costumes (although I do agree with the nasty ass costumes. Made by a women who teaches at Five Towns college.). And yes, of course you're going to see Boots' face, especially since they did that for the actual professional version some years ago. And we would love to have the costumes where the actor was inside and the face was masked, but that requires money, which we don't have.
Oh, and since you have so graciously provided reviewer photos, that points out that you violated the whole, "No Photographs are to be taken during the show" thing, which is pretty much illegal.

"It started 20 min late, Dora didn’t speak Spanish, the only character that looked similar to himself was” Swiper”, The actors seemed to be all teenagers, Diego’s microphone was off the whole time, No one can hold a note on their own, The only paraphernalia sold in the theater was a flashlight that had a soccer ball on it, nothing with Dora on it, they guys outside of the theater were selling better stuff, The actors were moving the set themselves, ( in the open- not behind curtains, I could go on and on, But I’m pretty sure I made my point,,,,,,PARENTS!! Stay away from this one."

I am to assume that the phrases "Abre", "Todos estan invitados", "Hola amigos", and such are German? But thanks for thinking I was a teenager when I was really 23. In a lizard suit. And I'm pretty sure I was able to hold those notes in Isa Turn the Wheel pretty well, considering I'm a dude. And you must have some warped perceptions of theatre if you think the curtains can close and open in 15 seconds for a set change done by the actors, which also occurs professionally. Parents, see more theatre.

"The show was about 45 min. Dora wasn't look like her."

Did you ever notice the special episodes of Dora on television are about the same length of time? And please proof read.

 From 2014, as Swiper:

"Do not go to Dora live or this venue on Staten Island. The show was worse than a high school production, and the theatre was falling apart. Total waste of time and money."

The theatre is falling apart? Like how? A crack in the ceiling? Because that's one pretty gorgeous theatre.

"Dora character was not even dressed in her costume. Boots looked cheap.
The whole event was not worth it at all. Wish I can get my money back !!"

I seem to remember Dora was in a costume and not running around naked.

"The characters of the show should have worn the actual costumes instead of being real people so maybe the kids can be more into the show."

You are aware that acting and live theatre involves real people wearing costumes (regardless of how crappy they are), right?

"It was the worse show I have ever seen - we couldn't hear a thing."

It could possibly be the screaming children but that could just be me.

"Dora could have been in a real DORA costume for such a short time..."

Define a real DORA costume. 


So yeah. The gist of it was the shoddy costumes, time, and restlessness of the children. But what did you expect for $15 and a touring company from Long Island? I certainly did MY best and I apologize for not meeting your expectations.

Dance Moms: Attack of the Solos, Season 2! aka A Big Plug for Alisa Shamrow

Previously on DANCE MOMS: Busted foot Paige lost the boot but still had a sore foot, St. Louis Mom Kaya and daughter Nicaya "Nini" joined the team for the episode, the team competed at iHollywood (where, in season 1, began the whole "ALDC vs. Candy Apple's" storyline), Kaya holds her own against the moms but with ghetto divatude, the team performs the follow-up to WHATC with "I can see the Kite Flying (aka "American McGee's Alice Knockoff", or "ICStKF") and wins first, Nia wows with her solo but gets 10th, Chloe gets fifth, Macks gets third, and the group wins! And, of course, fighitng occurs.

Oddly enough, there's no mention of the St. Louis people in the "Previously on DM" bumper, which I thought was weird, since last time they did something like that, it was because of the Showgirls/Prostitot episode that got banned. Anyway, the team is still in California because of the Nationals that are coming up. They're at the Millennium Dance Studio, where Chloe tells us is the same space Britney Spears and Not-so-Teeny Aguileeny rehearse. Abby says they weren't focused at iHollywood. She also addresses Kaya and Nini, who are no longer with the team. She praises the girls for being civil with Nini (seriously, what the hell were they GONNA do? Become mean girls? Not this crowd) but admonishes the moms for running off ANOTHER crazy mom. Personally, I think Abby only brought Nini in in order to bump up the group to a different category so they could win. Hey, it's been shown to happen many, MANY times on this show (re: "Land Unforgiven" with the pre-Med graduate ringers, every piece Crazy Cathy has entered). At least Macks wasn't there to just run onstage and push a girl on a swing. Also, "Bitch" is an censored obscenity again? But I digress...

Pyramid begins with Kendall's triumphant return to the bottom, probation free. She's glad to have made it back onto the pyramid but feels that she doesn't deserve to be on the bottom since she worked hard last week. Something about that makes me think she's not reading her mother's cue cards anymore. Paige follows because she worked hard coming out of an injury and Abby expects her to go full out 100% from now on. Keep this in mind for later. Brooke follows her because she finished earlier than the rest of the group. Oopsy-tootsy. And MADDIE is on the bottom because she blended into the group when she really should have stood out. Melissa, strangely, seems very at ease with this in the confessional. In the middle, Nia is there for doing an outstanding job with the difficult music and choreo but, as always, she needs to work on her technique. Chloe follows for breaking in the top 5 but she needs to be consistant. Whatever. She says that she feels the pressure to do better. This leaves precious Mackenzie on top for placing third. Melissa comments that this doesn't happen often for Mackenzie so she's "tickled" by this.

This week, the team will be competing at the In10sity competition in California. Abby says, for the first of way too many times in this episode, that this will determine who gets to perform what at the Nationals the following week. For dance assignments, Macks will get a solo titled "A Perfect Day for Fun". Chloe gets a solo titled "Ghost". Who else gets solos? Paige and Kendall, the latter's called "Kiss, Kiss". Nia gets a solo inspired by the 60's and Brooke gets an acro (duh-huh) solo titled "Fly". So that's about everyone---- WAIT!!! Melissa gestures to Maddie to raise her hand. Because she appears to be ahead of the producers but Abby catches her out of the corner of her eye and wishes she would butt out. Anyway, Maddie wonders if she's getting a solo. Abby would love to but she can't unless Maddie can prove that she WANTS it and she'll have to beg for it. Melissa tries to say that Maddie really wants one but Abby points out that last time, Melissa screwed her kid over. Poor Maddie Blanche DuBois is devastated. Again, Abby bellows that there's going to be an audition where she won't get cast so she's gonna have to suck it up. Also remember that Maddie's about 10 so this seems to be very brutal to say. Christi feels bad for Maddie because the pressure's building and it's becoming evident that Maddie's no longer Abby's favorite.

So, to recap, the Nationals are next week and all the girls, save for Maddie Blanche DuBois, have solos. The last time this happened, Maddie got TWO solos, Paige forgot hers, and Vivi was on the team. Speaking of, FREE VIVI! In the Mom area, because the Millennium doesn't have an observation booth, Melissa comments, with a smile (?), that Maddie tried her hardest to fight back the tears. Kelly randomly butts in to say that her kids NEVER get solos. Well, that's kind of because you also screw them over by barging in their rehearsals, having meltdowns, pulling their numbers, and whatnot. She sheds some light on the team's past in her confessional. You see, back in the day, Brooke was the "Maddie" of the group, but that all changed as she grew older. Abby's like a leech: She works the kid out, sucks them dry of their ambition, and moves on to fresh meat.

That fresh meat most likely being Macks, who is rehearsing her solo. She hopes she remembers it but I notice in the background that Paige has her boot back on. Uh ohs... Then, as the moms sit around, Melissa decides that she no longer needs to be there since there's only 20 minutes left in the class so she's taking her kids. Uh, huh? Christi is no fool and can immediately tell that Melissa has something planned for her girls.

It must be a "Chris(ti)" thing.

The moms dish that she's obviously got some meetings set up for her kids and that it's so weird for her to not share any of this with them. I'm like, who cares! These women are no better than the Pick-a-Little ladies. Elsewhere, the Zieglers enter an MSA building to have a meeting with ultra-perky agent Jen! Again, complete with exclamation point. Jen! believes that the girls are perfect for commercials and Melissa thinks they both shined at the meeting. Then we leave Jen! behind, which saddens me because she was the most realistic person I've seen so far on this program.

I assume it's a different day because everyone is wearing different outfits as Paige rehearses her solo, "City of Angels". Oh! Does this mean she gets to perform to this song?! Nope, she gets to perform on a chaise couch to some techno song. In other news, the earth revolves around the sun. Paige knows good and goddamn well that Abby's watering down the choreography because of her foot. Abby says she knows her foot isn't 100% healed... so why force her to dance?! Paige is done for the day and, when outside, breaks down because her foot is in serious pain. Kelly hasn't complained in a while so she says that it's unfair that Paige only gets an hour long practice. At this point, it's whatever.

It's a newer day (?), or at least it seems to be since Abby walks in on the mom area where they're waiting outside. Abby has 2 days and 6 solos to work on. Today, we start with Chloe rehearsing "Ghost". Abby describes the music as pretty which gets bigger and bigger as the song progresses. So this is a good number for her. Oh, and hi Gia! Abby thinks she's got this. Outside, Kelly tells the moms that she's hired a music producer to professionally record Brooke's song and she wants the team to provide backing vocals. So, naturally, the girls are all excited. Back to solos! Nia rehearses and Abby says that she's got entertainment value so that's what she does best. It's good to see her steer away from ethnic only pieces. Back outside, since it's called Dance MOMS, Melissa brags about the MSA meeting and immediately I pine for Jen! to make an appearance again. The moms are stunned silent, mostly because of how much of a prick Melissa is. Christi says that it's frustrating how Kelly does one thing for her kid but Melissa immediately has to one-up her. In real time, Christi calls her out on doing things in secret and how that's not really necessary (especially since it's all captured on cameras anyway). But, seriously, wtf is Melissa GOING to do? Launch a sniper attack on the moms? Kelly believes that Melissa's antics might make Maddie feel shunned by the others because, well, look who raised her.

Abby, meanwhile, has NO IDEA why Melissa left the rehearsal yesterday. So she instills fear into Maddie and Macks and asks where did they go the other day. Maddie says MSA and Macks tells her they met a girl named Jen! who, allegedly, Abby knows. Just like all the roads in the US. Anyway, she tells Maddie not to bring up MSA EVER and to not worry over what the others think since they don't care. After all, Jabba the Lee has the perfect mother gene. Which is none. Abby says Melissa does want the best for her kids but their dancing and education must come first and not agencies.

Net up for the solo rehearsals is Brooke, who I thought was performing to yet another Anna Ayers song, but it turned out to be yet another Alisa Shamrow song. Abby needs to expand her music choices, even if it means copyright infringement. She does well but Abby's big issue with Brooke is her completely non-expressive face. While we're on Brooke, let's peek in at the recording of her ditty, "Summer Love Song". That producer Kelly's hired? Turns out it's the same guy from last season who directed/produced/did something with the girls and a music video with some obscure pop star, Seven. Kelly obviously says that there's not a lot of opportunities out in Pittsburgh (ain't that the truth, especially when you're on a national television show). Brooke found the experience awesome but, naturally, the final product is autotuned out of the wazoo. Nevertheless, Kelly has no idea what's going to come out of this but hopes it was a positive experience.

Moving on to Kendall Maureen Cummings, Abby says that the solo isn't really "deep" but it has to entertain the audience. Kendall just got back on the team so she BETTER NOT DISAPPOINT. Kendall reads that she really wants a solo at Nationals. As Abby tells her that she's not paying attention to what the song says, she confessionalizes that she wonders how long it's going to take her to whizz past the others on the pyramid. Forever, probably.
Lurking in the corner is Maddie Blanche DuBois, who asks for a solo because it makes her happy. Abby brings up Sologate for the trillionth time and we find out the censored word from THAT episode turned out to be "crapping". Lifetime really needs to replace their editors, like ASAP. Abby then asks for a reason why she should perform and Maddie says it's because she's the only one without a solo. Abby doesn't buy it and says that Maddie should want it from deep in her heart. For a moment there, I thought she was going to have the kid write a 5 page thesis on why she should do a solo. Abby says this is to teach her a lesson. I'm sure it is, Jabba.

So the nonsense moment comes in the form of Abby making a music video for Brooke's little song. She says that she has a vision for the video, which consists of the girls dancing on a tour bus and in various locations. How original! Maybe for her next video, she should do the one shot slow walk. Their high tech material consists of a hand held video camera. Oh please, on "All the Right Moves", at least their dances look professional. Brooke is excited for the video but says that Abby is sucking the fun out of it. LMAO!!! Kelly says she loves that Abby's taking part but WHY is she being the control freak even here? She does admit some of her ideas are cute. Especially the one where Maddie darts into the middle of the street and begins doing some strange lyrical arm movements, which is EXACTLY what I do when I improvise. As for the running into the street, I really hope this isn't one of Abby's ways to get rid of the old favorite. Maddie says that it was one of the best days she's ever had.

Back at the studio, Abby claims that they only have 45 minutes to use the space today because they spent the time filming the music video. I'm sure of it. Maddie asks Abby to do a solo by using a scripted excuse. Abby ends up giving it to her because, well, DUH. But she says that it's because Maddie's learned her lesson. Maddie says that she deserved it (I'm really starting to loathe the term "deserve") but Abby sees that she's gotten rusty. However, outside, Holly proves why she's earned those degrees by saying that of course Abby was going to give her a solo. There's a reason why she's called DR. Holly. Melissa gives her standard bitchface while Maddie interviews that she's ready to prove to Abby why she deserved the solo. Whatevs.

At In10sity, the team is apparently given a blackbox theatre to get ready. Abby repeats the whole nationals business but I was more preoccupied with the Sunday shirt she was wearing. And she, again, says it might be the end of the road for some of them. Whatever, I don't think Lifetime would even LET her let go of any of those kids. I'm assuming they're going in age order because Macks and Kendall, the youngest girls of the the bunch, are up first. Macks interviews that the only thing that matters in the world at that moment is her solo... and then she just stares at the camera with an expression that reads, "Didja get the shot?" Of course she's cute, of course the costume is adorable, of course all she does is acrobatics, of course she... freezes! EEK! Of course Lifetime edits it to make it seem far worse than it appears. Luckily, she makes something up and presses on smoothly. Abby, naturally, is somewhat mortified but, from Mackenzie's view, she forgot the dance for a split-second so poo poo on you, Miss Abby Lee. She IS worried that Abby is going to be mad at her. Speaking of, Abby said that she could've done better.
Kendall is up next for her "Kiss, Kiss" jazz number. I think Abby should stop with the literal costumes because the bra top Kendall's wearing that's supposed to look like lips? It looks like she has oddly shaped, erm, hooters. I'm not a fan of the dance. Jill-Cher says she hates to put this much pressure on her kid but she definitely wants her to go to Nationals. Oh, really? So, why did you shove her into this godforsaken mess? Kendall says that she thought she did pretty great and she really wanted to show Abby just what she could do.

In the dressing room, Kendall gets a hug from her mom but Macks looks very defeated. Melissa tries to convince her that she did perfect but even Macks can see through the bullshit. So does Abby, who bellows that she's hearing "Perfect" and all that nonsense when it's really not. She says Kendall did nice but Macks could've been way better. The girls need to come off knowing it's the best they've ever danced and, if they're trying to impress her, it ain't working. You'd need a three course meal of desserts for that to happen.

Maddie and Nia are up next, with Nia going first for "I Like the 60's". Thankfully, she's not in a ridiculous afro but a period correct wig. Nia's definitely gotten better but the dance's choreography is really lame. She's a great little actress though. Abby enjoyed her face because that's her best feature.
Maddie says she has to prove to Abby she made the right choice by having her dance a solo she was going to perform anyway. Her solo, as we discover, is called "Piece of my Heart". Oooh! Does this mean she's going to portray Janis?! On second thought, thinking back to Travis Wall's not-so-pleasant dance he choreographed on SYTYCD, that's an unwise choice of song. No, it's another piano ballad with Maddie looking constipated 94% of the time. Melissa cries, but that's nothing new, along with the sucking up to Abby after the routine is finished. I'm gonna ignore the "perfection" remarks.

The next two gals are Chloe and Paige. Kelly's concerned about Paige because of the same old crap she's been spewing about her foot and not getting enough practice. The foot is understandable but the "not enough rehearsal time" excuse isn't working anymore. Abby's glad to see her back onstage though. Meanwhile, Christi's coaching Chloe, and she says she feels good about the solo, so the better she is, the better chance at performing at Nationals. Chloe, for a change, says that she's rehearsed a lot so she's feeling pretty confident today. Now, I love Chloe and everything but this dance was doing her no favors. Christi finds it frustrating that Abby's placing all this pressure on the girls for this ONE performance (lies) and not the other googol of numbers. Chloe is proud but she knows she could've done better. And so whatever happens, happens. Go Chloe.
Paige is very worried because her foot is in pain. However, as she dances, I can tell that the choreography looks really labored but not because she's in pain. When she's done, she manages to keep her composure onstage but immediately collapses on Chloe backstage. Abby contradicts herself by saying she knows Paige isn't 100% healed yet. Paige is sobbing in Kelly's arms, who tries to calm her daughter down. Paige then says something that sounds like she forgot the whole number (AGAIN?) but Kelly is livid because this is unfair. Paige is worried that she won't be able to dance at Nationals. Hmm.

Abby wants Brooke to stretch as she's the last one to go. Abby thinks it could either way with her: She'll either be great or she'll suck miserably. Brooke is confident but a bit scared she might forget like Mackenzie. However, before she begins, I notice something very odd in the audience: The girls are wearing different costumes. SO THERE WAS A GROUP DANCE THERE AFTER ALL!!! Probably it was that airline group Lifetime posted on their website. Anyway, she doesn't do half bad. Brooke is glad she managed to hit all her tricks and that she didn't forget the piece after all. In the dressing room, Kelly asks her what was the best thing that happened during the week. Brooke's answer: The music video. Duh-huh.

Awards time. Macks gets first and is very excited for the win! This negates Abby's bitchiness. Onto the juniors, Chloe lands in 6th, and says she could've done better so she'll try harder next time. Kendall places 5th so Jill-Cher wets her pants over this because Kendall managed to beat one of Abby's "top students". Lady, give it a rest. It's a dance competition, not a war. Plus, it's only this ONE time. Also, do I need to say Maddie wins? Melissa is proud because she learned the dance in one day. I'll bet she did. Poor Nia and Paige don't place. Nia is disappointed because she knows she could do better than this. Christi worries because she knows 6th might not guarantee a spot at Nationals. As for Brooke, she places 4th and hopes Abby would still be proud of her. Kelly's in a predicament because Paige didn't place but Brooke did. Even then, they don't have much of a chance.

Abby's douche moment arrives just in the nick of time when she says that, all things considered, thought they did well but she wants that clean sweep. Then she rubs salt in the wounds and congratulates Melissa for her kids' wins. Christi's all "WTF?" Abby says she has no idea what's going to happen at the Nationals and ominously says that she may or may not use the whole group. We shall see about that...

Next time on the SEASON FINALE: IT ALL ENDS thank god. Cathy makes threats on beating the ALDC, Kelly vs. Abby once again, Cathy may have dementia, the Crapples chant outside of an ALDC storage closet, and Abby states that there will be hell to pay.

Dance Moms: A Big Heavy Dose of "WTF"

Previously on Dance Moms: Abby projected the general consensus of the show into an Amish women piece, the Crapples came, saw, and lost (sort of). Chloe lost to Justice by a measly 1/10th of a point, which, of course, is the end of the world for Jabba. Nia was on top, and was dance captain and handled that well, but that's not dramatic, so Melissa cursed up a storm and got into it with Crazy Cathy.

Pyramid begins with Abby gushing about them being national champions and whatnot, the same old drinking game lines she always recites. Along with beating Crazy Cathy. So she's very proud. I don't get why Paige still needs to show up to the pyramid because she's going to be injured for a while and it's not like she's going to be dancing anytime soon. Anyway, she's there and there's nothing to judge her on so whoop-de-doo. MADDIE is next on the bottom because she denied a chance to do a solo. Christi said something about it but I didn't catch what it was so it's probably just another recycled interview with her. Chloe rounds out the bottom because she's a tenth of a point loser and ruined Abby's goal of getting a clean sweep. Next time, she has to make mincemeat out of Justice. In the middle row, Brooke is there because she managed to do the whole bonnet thing correctly and Macks joins her because she won the duet with Kendall. Once again, I get all giddy because Nia is on the top for the second straight week in a row. Abby, again, says that it's not about the dancing but also about everything else. Nia's such a good noodle. Unfortunately, Jill-Cher ruins the moment by butting in about why isn't Kendall still on the pyramid when so deserves to be there. Abby, again, explains to her that she's only there as a sub for Paige. When Paige has healed, Kendall's off the team again. Jill-Cher's response to this is "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS THREE WEEKS AGO?!" Probably because you didn't let her by screaming on and on trying to get Kendall back on the team. Meanwhile, Kendall is crying. Also, because you left the team, remember? Jill-Cher continues to make an ass out of herself by sidestepping her being a horrible woman by trying to apologize to Ken with "I'm sorry I put you through all this!" Should of thought of that before you signed up for this shitshow. Abby explains that the teamwork is all about commitment. And Jill-Cher is always ready to jump ship. And Abby doesn't want any more altercations between the moms. How about we laugh that one out?

There's no competition this week as it's the 2012 ALDC recital... weird. Last year she called it the (somewhat less juvenile) showcase. Nevertheless, it's still very important to Abby because this not only shows all the pieces Abby has created for the companies of her studio (Elite, Teen, Senior, and, I'm guessing, Competing) but it's also a way to bring in new students interested in joining the studio. But, since this show is nothing without a new dance piece (believe it or not, there is dancing in this show!), Abby has decided to create a *cringe* hip-hop piece that even she would rather not be doing. It's called "Light my Fire" and everyone would rather have the idea of doing a hip-hop routine go up in flames. Maddie's sort of excited but says that none of them can "either hip OR hop". To add on to this fuckery, Paige is told she might be capable of doing this routine but Kelly is very skeptical and worried. She immediately tells Abby that they need to get the doctor's approval first and Abby is aware of that, which translates to "YEAH RIGHT!" Kelly says that the doctor said she can't dance for at least 4 weeks, and it's only been three weeks, so it might not be happening. Oh, and Abby wants Kelly to call up some of her classmates from back in the day, despite the fact that Kelly lost contact with them since she quit the studio years ago. Abby also announces that, at the end of the recital, there will be scholarships awarded to one person from each level. I say that it's always going to be a competition with this woman but I'm thankful that none of the moms make a huge stink out of it.

The hip-not rehearsals are underway and Abby says that part of the reason she's having them do this is to prove that this studio can do it all. So why is SHE the one teaching them this? In the Mom holding cell, Kelly tells the others that her girls hate hip-hop and Paige looks like a wet noodle when dancing. She also says she's skeptical about calling up her old classmates because she doubts that any of them will remember her. And, if they did, they'll be like "THAT BITCH?" Meanwhile, Abby calls Paige over. Allegedly, Paige has been able to cartwheel and attempting to do acro in the boot and irritating the balls off of Abby by walking up and down the bus. Oh good gravy, who cares! Holly can't stand concert time because there's added stress of doing multiple routines in rapid succession (dressing at that speed is no party, I can vouch for that), how everyone is basically running on fumes, and she compares it to a root canal. Jill-Cher has to squeeze in living vicariously through Kendall at this moment and how she deserves to be on the squad again but Kelly screeches that she auditioned, Jill-Cher screwed it up for her, and now she has to audition again. Jill-Cher brings up Brooke's cheerleader-gate but Kelly tells her that Brooke was given permission to do that from Abby. So I guess she could have returned to the team if cheerleading didn't work out. Christi mimes shooting herself in the head, and I think that's the only unscripted thing we've seen on this show so far.

The next day, Madame Leslie Rose and Jill-Cher have conveniently parked next to each other. Immediately, Leslie takes it upon herself to tell Jill-Cher what she doesn't know already and to watch her back. Leslie says she thought it would be for the best to tell her this before they chew her up and spit her out. Leslie also brings up how they talk about their husbands and Jill-Cher cannot believe that Leslie is saying this random nonsense. It gets even weirder when Leslie tells Jill-Cher the story about how she met Melissa's boyfriend during a Halloween episode years ago where they went to a drug store to pick up some specific Halloween bags and, lo and behold, Melissa tells Leslie that "this is the man [she] is in love with." WTF?! Just when this show couldn't get any more confusing, Leslie spits that out with the worst timing ever. Jill-Cher confessionalizes that Leslie is acting like an immature baby and that these moms are not better than mean girls. Does this include herself? In the end, Jill-Cher is only concerned about her fame whoredom Kendall.

The snowball of confusion continues to roll down the hill as country-hick music tells us we're in Ohio. For some very strange reason or another, Crazy Cathy has managed to secure tickets to Abby's showcase but has no idea who sent them to her. She discusses this with one of the Apple Moms and asks if they should even go to see how awful it is compared to hers. I can only imagine how awful Cathy's recitals are compared to Abby's... on second thought, let's not go through the pain. I mean, the Crapples have actually won 1st at other competitions, but in other categories Abby's are almost never entered in (like Large groups) and the pieces themselves definitely don't look like Cathy choreographed them. I think it's time she retired. Anyway, Cathy is both mystified by the tickets and hysterical because they're paper printout tickets! Gee, Cathy, the wonders of the internet really blow your mind, don't they? What does she do, inlay her tickets with gold? The random Crapple mom says she's up for a good laugh.

More hip-hop rehearsal shows that this piece is getting more worse by the second. The showcase is important to Abby because her reputation is on the line. Isn't that why this show was made? Soon, she blathers how the girls don't know hip-hop and something else but since these girls are normally seen doing acro most of the time, why would they? Kelly informs us that Paige is allowed to walk BUT NOT DANCE. So she's doing the dance from the waist up. Ooookay then, that's pretty dumb. Now the reason for Abby's choice of genre is because she wanted to incorporate Paige in the number, which is possibly one of the dumbest things she's ever done on this show so far (THE dumbest was doing the Showgirls number. You know, the one that's been banned from being shown ever since?). Christi calls her insane for trying to incorporate gymnasts lyrical dancers with heavy hitting hip hop. It can be done but only with THE PROPER TEACHERS. Less than pleased with the girls, Abby brings in one of her best hip-hop dancers in the studio, who just so happens to be Big Pimpin' Payton. The contract they probably signed with the production team have nothing to do with this. So she demonstrates some moves... and while she has rhythm, she is in no way a hip-hop dancer. Jill-Cher believes that Payton was only brought in to make the girls feel bad about themselves. Probably out of desperation, Abby puts her in the hip-hop piece. Kelly is just thrilled because this means Madame Leslie Rose gets to join the moms in this week from hell.

Refresher rehearsals are underway as Christi tells us that most of the pieces we see on the show (or not) are sometimes learned in only a day so the girls have to work even harder just to remember them. Here, the girls are rehearsing the Homeless girl number, "Trapped." I actually liked this number, even if the actual footage of Maddie getting stuck in Brooke's hair wasn't shown for the show (more reality manipulation. Lifetime, give it a rest!). Abby tells the girls (or us, who knows really) that the number was called "Trapped" partly because of the song (no shit, Sherlock) but this time is going to be special. Abby wants to teach Maddie the lesson of consequences for turning down Abby and that having a featured part is a privilege. So she's switching her with (the similarly dressed) Chloe for the homeless girl part. Christi is excited that Chloe can get the opportunity to do featured parts (what about that whole "Rich Girls" dance?) and that if Maddie can get scholarships out of the wazoo at competitions, why can't Chloe? Chloe says she's nervous (of course) but she's taking this opportunity by the horns while Maddie is a bit bummed for losing out on the part because she didn't want to do the solo.

It's now the dress rehearsal (or, at least, it should be ONE OF the dress rehearsals) at the venue. Abby is up in the light booth, running cues with the light guy and communicating with Gia! and the stage crew to get things running smoothly. There's going to be lots of routines, which brings lots of quick changes and tons of frivolity. Abby recaps that, at the end of the concert, the scholarships (which apparently have never been done before) will be presented. After seeing the senior company rehearse for a bit, Abby goes into the mom dressing room (which looks like a blackbox theatre really) with the rest of the hip hop costumes, which include red shorts and hats. They don't have enough time to bedazzle them now so the girls will rehearse in their black leotards. In comes Payton from another piece as Abby tells her to change into something different for the rehearsal. Payton tells us that she's in FIFTEEN PIECES (I'm amazed) this year so quick changes for her are going to be ridiculous. Keep in mind, these are fifteen completely different costumes, unlike the fifteen changes my dad bitched and moaned about when we were in the producers, where half the time the changes were usually just a coat or there was plenty of time between numbers (I, however, had about 11, was dancing most of the time, AND was dressing other people on top of that. AND I DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE). I can imagine that ALDC changes are rapid fire. Anyway, Payton doesn't know how she's going to manage it all. Meanwhile, Kelly says that Paige's boot is broken because of Abby's ignorance so now her foot is in jeopardy.

Leslie hasn't done anything bitchy and over the line in the past few minutes, so she barges into the light booth to talk to Abby about the show's lineup. And it's not, "I'll knock on the door politely and see if she has time to chat". No, she BARGES in, door swinging open and everything. Abby can't believe Leslie has the audacity to go into the light booth WHILE SHE'S WORKING to talk about something Abby is going to take care eventually. After some lineup talk where Leslie refuses to comprehend English, Abby kicks her out and asks one of the booth guys to make a sign saying "NO PARENTS!" for the door. Like that'll stop Leslie.

The hip-hop rehearses and Abby yells at Busted Foot Paige for, among all other things, FOOTWORK. Just how stupid is she? Kelly announces her concern (by shouting in the theatre, so Abby can hear her in the booth) for Paige's foot, that she looks like an idiot dancing in the number, and that the dance is stupid. She says that Paige doesn't even have to be in it. Abby wants the girls to run it again and Paige to rest quickly. Suddenly, when Abby wants them to start, Paige isn't there and Gia! comes out to tell Abby that Paige can't stand up. Uh, if she's on a headset, why did she run out to say this? As Paige is given ice for her foot, Kelly decides to step up. Abby gives her many ridiculous options, the only smart one being TAKE HER OUT OF THE DANCE, since she has no time to re-choreograph. Kelly decides to take Paige out. But Leslie has to shit on this parade and bring up rehearsals and why didn't anyone speak up before then. Surprisingly, Paige tells her that she did speak up but Leslie rudely tells her something along the lines of "YEAH, ONCE!" Who let this woman breed? Then she begins to attack Kelly's parenting skills, prompting the two to argue about the piece and something about videotaping it. Kelly can't deal with Leslie right now and says it's none of her business. Nope, Leslie really fucks up big time and cruelly says that Kelly needs to add yet another meeting to her schedule, AA and therapy. This sets Kelly off and they get into a huge screaming match. Leslie confessionalizes that the women are brutal liars. Yes but you're no Mary Sunshine yourself.

Flushed with rage, Kelly refuses to be in the same room with Leslie and storms out. Melissa appears to storm out as well, but it's really just to check on Kelly and see what's up with her, along with Christi, both who are wearing exercise clothes. Kelly says she's taking her kids home, with Paige limping to the car, and she asks Melissa to fetch Brooke. While being intercut with scenes of Leslie still running her mouth to a suicidal-looking Jill-Cher, Kelly tells Christi and Holly how everything Leslie claims about her is totally untrue (Christi vouched for that on Twitter). Melissa relays the news of Kelly leaving to Leslie, while Kelly calmly drives off with her less-than-concerned kids in tow and without Christi or Holly protesting her decision. This is a complete contrast to the bumper from last week where it appears that she's flooring her car out of the parking lot, completely livid. And the footage of Leslie being restrained by the production team? WHERE WAS THAT?! I wanted to see her comeuppance!

Anyway, Leslie once again barges into the light booth (told ya that sign wouldn't work) to relay all of this to Abby. Abby confessionalizes that Kelly better remember about her kids' contracts and that they BETTER be at that concert tomorrow (because I totally forgot all of this was at a rehearsal). In one of the strangest cuts this show ever has shown, the following scene is of Kelly treating the moms out for a night on the town because, for some unknown reason, Leslie won't be in the same dressing room any more. BUT WHY?! HUH?! This makes no sense! Did something happen off camera that we didn't know about? WHERE IS THAT FOOTAGE!!! Since the rest of us are screaming, let's turn to the portion of the episode known as DANCE MOMS GONE WILD! At the club, the moms drink, dance, engage with strippers (not Holly, of course), ending with Jill-Cher being the nasty one to take a dollar out of one of the male stripper's spanky pants. With her mouth. Oh, that'll be endearing.

It's the day of the concert, filled with Melissa's excitement and the return of the Hylands. Melissa says that she knows the kids would've been disappointed if the Hyland sisters didn't show up. Abby, naturally, ruins the moment by chastising Brooke for missing cues the other day. Abby vows to not let the "crazy mothers" ruin this day. Sure. As showtime nears, and contrary to Cathy wanting to count the empty seats, we're shown that the showcase is SOLD OUT! As the frenzy backstage occurs, Crazy Crapple Cathy and her team (seriously, I don't care if those girls claim to be "Eleven", they really look like high school seniors/bar hoppers) arrive. Cathy is just expecting it to be just one number after another. Well, duh, Captain Stupid, that's kind of the point of these things, unless it's a specific theme (like, say, 7 sins, or the elements, like my high school alma mater has done in the past. And were FANTASTIC). Abby says there's a bunch of her colleagues (and Cathy) in the audience so the pressure's on. Paige is going to be in the hip-not piece after all, so Abby expects her to hit it hard.

After some pieces, it's the moment of truth for the hip-hop piece, where Cathy's not expecting a grandmaster slam. And... ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh it is so so so baaaaad... Cathy says that Abby can't mask the JAZZ dancing as hip-hop, but I doubt the Crapples could do any better so she can stop right there. Christi's a bit more accurate by saying, "Pittsburgh, if you want to learn hip-hop, DON'T COME HERE." Well said dearie. After the number, Abby berates them but I think it's kind of pointless whenever she does that because it's not like they're going to be DOING it again anytime soon. And I pray to God they don't.

It's now time for "Trapped." Abby needs Chloe to convince everyone she's homeless (so she's dressed like a hipster). Chloe only has a little bit of time to get ready but she hopes she doesn't mess up. Kendall, however, is having a bit of a meltdown because she doesn't think she has enough time to get ready. Jill-Cher is pretty much harassing her, asking her what's wrong (as Kendall is ripping her hair out) to which Kendall responds with an apt, "I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!" Kendall's a badass, y'all.
The "Trapped" goes as Christi says it's a catch 22: Chloe has a great opportunity but, since Maddie performed it originally, she's going to be compared to her. Cathy the Clueless is wondering why there aren't any backdrops (it could be because backdrops are kind of tacky and there's no time to keep changing them), but Abby is proud of Chloe of applying a correction regarding a lift she does with Brooke. Christi thought she was fabulous and I thought so too, especially since she didn't look like a meerkat. Cathy has seen enough and she believes it comes nowhere near her own concerts. Yeah, I don't think Abby's concerts could be any worse than Cathy's ridiculousness.

Somehow, rumors on the internet are saying that the two teachers are close friends, but I'm skeptical of that claim, especially with how dense Cathy is portrayed.

The concert is over and Abby congratulates the team. Jill-Cher sucks up again by giving her a bouquet of roses but Christi is sick of the gift giving. Again. At curtain calls, it appears that the competition team each get individual bows (including Kendall) and, for some reason, Brooke and Maddie are wearing sashes. I was so confused at first but then, upon a closer look, they appear to say "DEA National Champion" so I guess it's just title flaunting. Surprising no one, Maddie gets a scholarship but the sweetest moment of all is Holly's reaction when Nia wins a scholarship for being the most improved dancer in the studio. GO NIA!!!

At the end of the show, Abby has a soiree outside of the venue to celebrate and everyone's having a ball. There's a highlight of some of the alumni from 1985 and Kelly barely recognizes them. Abby has them dish about Kelly by listing things like "Was Kelly late? Annoying? Loud?" to which they enthusiastically shout "YES!!!" Kelly then asks, "Was Kelly fun?!" The alumni respond with crickets and Kelly makes it awkward by (drunkenly?) shouting "WHOOO!!"

Hey, there's some new people who signed a lease! A woman named Kaya is here with her daughter, Nicaya, and they hail from St. Louis, wondering if they could perhaps joining the studio (They're going to travel THAT FAR?!). Abby is on a high right now... UNTIL SHE HEARS THE SCREECH. The uninvited Cathy is speaking with the St. Louis women, trying to get them to join HER studio and talking smack about Abby. Both mom and daughter are not amused and look like they want to deck her. Abby approaches Cathy and wonders where her broom is. Cathy attacks her for the lack of things in her show (like she should talk) and it turns out Jill-Cher was the one who invited her! She wanted her to see how Kendall's been faring since leaving the Crapples. Ugh, shut up Jill-Cher. Abby's deservedly worried that Cathy may have stolen some (all) of her ideas for pieces. So Cathy prepares to leave, with Abby saying, "Don't let the door hit ya!" Cathy retorts, "You can't even afford a door!" It's why she used it towards those scholarships your studio doesn't dish out. Supposedly. Besides, it looked a bit more lighthearted than what we saw on TV.

NEXT WEEK: Kaya and Nicaya are on the team! And Kaya is prepared to hold her own against the moms, particularly Kelly. We'll see how she'll fare.