Dance Moms: A Big Heavy Dose of "WTF"

Previously on Dance Moms: Abby projected the general consensus of the show into an Amish women piece, the Crapples came, saw, and lost (sort of). Chloe lost to Justice by a measly 1/10th of a point, which, of course, is the end of the world for Jabba. Nia was on top, and was dance captain and handled that well, but that's not dramatic, so Melissa cursed up a storm and got into it with Crazy Cathy.

Pyramid begins with Abby gushing about them being national champions and whatnot, the same old drinking game lines she always recites. Along with beating Crazy Cathy. So she's very proud. I don't get why Paige still needs to show up to the pyramid because she's going to be injured for a while and it's not like she's going to be dancing anytime soon. Anyway, she's there and there's nothing to judge her on so whoop-de-doo. MADDIE is next on the bottom because she denied a chance to do a solo. Christi said something about it but I didn't catch what it was so it's probably just another recycled interview with her. Chloe rounds out the bottom because she's a tenth of a point loser and ruined Abby's goal of getting a clean sweep. Next time, she has to make mincemeat out of Justice. In the middle row, Brooke is there because she managed to do the whole bonnet thing correctly and Macks joins her because she won the duet with Kendall. Once again, I get all giddy because Nia is on the top for the second straight week in a row. Abby, again, says that it's not about the dancing but also about everything else. Nia's such a good noodle. Unfortunately, Jill-Cher ruins the moment by butting in about why isn't Kendall still on the pyramid when so deserves to be there. Abby, again, explains to her that she's only there as a sub for Paige. When Paige has healed, Kendall's off the team again. Jill-Cher's response to this is "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS THREE WEEKS AGO?!" Probably because you didn't let her by screaming on and on trying to get Kendall back on the team. Meanwhile, Kendall is crying. Also, because you left the team, remember? Jill-Cher continues to make an ass out of herself by sidestepping her being a horrible woman by trying to apologize to Ken with "I'm sorry I put you through all this!" Should of thought of that before you signed up for this shitshow. Abby explains that the teamwork is all about commitment. And Jill-Cher is always ready to jump ship. And Abby doesn't want any more altercations between the moms. How about we laugh that one out?

There's no competition this week as it's the 2012 ALDC recital... weird. Last year she called it the (somewhat less juvenile) showcase. Nevertheless, it's still very important to Abby because this not only shows all the pieces Abby has created for the companies of her studio (Elite, Teen, Senior, and, I'm guessing, Competing) but it's also a way to bring in new students interested in joining the studio. But, since this show is nothing without a new dance piece (believe it or not, there is dancing in this show!), Abby has decided to create a *cringe* hip-hop piece that even she would rather not be doing. It's called "Light my Fire" and everyone would rather have the idea of doing a hip-hop routine go up in flames. Maddie's sort of excited but says that none of them can "either hip OR hop". To add on to this fuckery, Paige is told she might be capable of doing this routine but Kelly is very skeptical and worried. She immediately tells Abby that they need to get the doctor's approval first and Abby is aware of that, which translates to "YEAH RIGHT!" Kelly says that the doctor said she can't dance for at least 4 weeks, and it's only been three weeks, so it might not be happening. Oh, and Abby wants Kelly to call up some of her classmates from back in the day, despite the fact that Kelly lost contact with them since she quit the studio years ago. Abby also announces that, at the end of the recital, there will be scholarships awarded to one person from each level. I say that it's always going to be a competition with this woman but I'm thankful that none of the moms make a huge stink out of it.

The hip-not rehearsals are underway and Abby says that part of the reason she's having them do this is to prove that this studio can do it all. So why is SHE the one teaching them this? In the Mom holding cell, Kelly tells the others that her girls hate hip-hop and Paige looks like a wet noodle when dancing. She also says she's skeptical about calling up her old classmates because she doubts that any of them will remember her. And, if they did, they'll be like "THAT BITCH?" Meanwhile, Abby calls Paige over. Allegedly, Paige has been able to cartwheel and attempting to do acro in the boot and irritating the balls off of Abby by walking up and down the bus. Oh good gravy, who cares! Holly can't stand concert time because there's added stress of doing multiple routines in rapid succession (dressing at that speed is no party, I can vouch for that), how everyone is basically running on fumes, and she compares it to a root canal. Jill-Cher has to squeeze in living vicariously through Kendall at this moment and how she deserves to be on the squad again but Kelly screeches that she auditioned, Jill-Cher screwed it up for her, and now she has to audition again. Jill-Cher brings up Brooke's cheerleader-gate but Kelly tells her that Brooke was given permission to do that from Abby. So I guess she could have returned to the team if cheerleading didn't work out. Christi mimes shooting herself in the head, and I think that's the only unscripted thing we've seen on this show so far.

The next day, Madame Leslie Rose and Jill-Cher have conveniently parked next to each other. Immediately, Leslie takes it upon herself to tell Jill-Cher what she doesn't know already and to watch her back. Leslie says she thought it would be for the best to tell her this before they chew her up and spit her out. Leslie also brings up how they talk about their husbands and Jill-Cher cannot believe that Leslie is saying this random nonsense. It gets even weirder when Leslie tells Jill-Cher the story about how she met Melissa's boyfriend during a Halloween episode years ago where they went to a drug store to pick up some specific Halloween bags and, lo and behold, Melissa tells Leslie that "this is the man [she] is in love with." WTF?! Just when this show couldn't get any more confusing, Leslie spits that out with the worst timing ever. Jill-Cher confessionalizes that Leslie is acting like an immature baby and that these moms are not better than mean girls. Does this include herself? In the end, Jill-Cher is only concerned about her fame whoredom Kendall.

The snowball of confusion continues to roll down the hill as country-hick music tells us we're in Ohio. For some very strange reason or another, Crazy Cathy has managed to secure tickets to Abby's showcase but has no idea who sent them to her. She discusses this with one of the Apple Moms and asks if they should even go to see how awful it is compared to hers. I can only imagine how awful Cathy's recitals are compared to Abby's... on second thought, let's not go through the pain. I mean, the Crapples have actually won 1st at other competitions, but in other categories Abby's are almost never entered in (like Large groups) and the pieces themselves definitely don't look like Cathy choreographed them. I think it's time she retired. Anyway, Cathy is both mystified by the tickets and hysterical because they're paper printout tickets! Gee, Cathy, the wonders of the internet really blow your mind, don't they? What does she do, inlay her tickets with gold? The random Crapple mom says she's up for a good laugh.

More hip-hop rehearsal shows that this piece is getting more worse by the second. The showcase is important to Abby because her reputation is on the line. Isn't that why this show was made? Soon, she blathers how the girls don't know hip-hop and something else but since these girls are normally seen doing acro most of the time, why would they? Kelly informs us that Paige is allowed to walk BUT NOT DANCE. So she's doing the dance from the waist up. Ooookay then, that's pretty dumb. Now the reason for Abby's choice of genre is because she wanted to incorporate Paige in the number, which is possibly one of the dumbest things she's ever done on this show so far (THE dumbest was doing the Showgirls number. You know, the one that's been banned from being shown ever since?). Christi calls her insane for trying to incorporate gymnasts lyrical dancers with heavy hitting hip hop. It can be done but only with THE PROPER TEACHERS. Less than pleased with the girls, Abby brings in one of her best hip-hop dancers in the studio, who just so happens to be Big Pimpin' Payton. The contract they probably signed with the production team have nothing to do with this. So she demonstrates some moves... and while she has rhythm, she is in no way a hip-hop dancer. Jill-Cher believes that Payton was only brought in to make the girls feel bad about themselves. Probably out of desperation, Abby puts her in the hip-hop piece. Kelly is just thrilled because this means Madame Leslie Rose gets to join the moms in this week from hell.

Refresher rehearsals are underway as Christi tells us that most of the pieces we see on the show (or not) are sometimes learned in only a day so the girls have to work even harder just to remember them. Here, the girls are rehearsing the Homeless girl number, "Trapped." I actually liked this number, even if the actual footage of Maddie getting stuck in Brooke's hair wasn't shown for the show (more reality manipulation. Lifetime, give it a rest!). Abby tells the girls (or us, who knows really) that the number was called "Trapped" partly because of the song (no shit, Sherlock) but this time is going to be special. Abby wants to teach Maddie the lesson of consequences for turning down Abby and that having a featured part is a privilege. So she's switching her with (the similarly dressed) Chloe for the homeless girl part. Christi is excited that Chloe can get the opportunity to do featured parts (what about that whole "Rich Girls" dance?) and that if Maddie can get scholarships out of the wazoo at competitions, why can't Chloe? Chloe says she's nervous (of course) but she's taking this opportunity by the horns while Maddie is a bit bummed for losing out on the part because she didn't want to do the solo.

It's now the dress rehearsal (or, at least, it should be ONE OF the dress rehearsals) at the venue. Abby is up in the light booth, running cues with the light guy and communicating with Gia! and the stage crew to get things running smoothly. There's going to be lots of routines, which brings lots of quick changes and tons of frivolity. Abby recaps that, at the end of the concert, the scholarships (which apparently have never been done before) will be presented. After seeing the senior company rehearse for a bit, Abby goes into the mom dressing room (which looks like a blackbox theatre really) with the rest of the hip hop costumes, which include red shorts and hats. They don't have enough time to bedazzle them now so the girls will rehearse in their black leotards. In comes Payton from another piece as Abby tells her to change into something different for the rehearsal. Payton tells us that she's in FIFTEEN PIECES (I'm amazed) this year so quick changes for her are going to be ridiculous. Keep in mind, these are fifteen completely different costumes, unlike the fifteen changes my dad bitched and moaned about when we were in the producers, where half the time the changes were usually just a coat or there was plenty of time between numbers (I, however, had about 11, was dancing most of the time, AND was dressing other people on top of that. AND I DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE). I can imagine that ALDC changes are rapid fire. Anyway, Payton doesn't know how she's going to manage it all. Meanwhile, Kelly says that Paige's boot is broken because of Abby's ignorance so now her foot is in jeopardy.

Leslie hasn't done anything bitchy and over the line in the past few minutes, so she barges into the light booth to talk to Abby about the show's lineup. And it's not, "I'll knock on the door politely and see if she has time to chat". No, she BARGES in, door swinging open and everything. Abby can't believe Leslie has the audacity to go into the light booth WHILE SHE'S WORKING to talk about something Abby is going to take care eventually. After some lineup talk where Leslie refuses to comprehend English, Abby kicks her out and asks one of the booth guys to make a sign saying "NO PARENTS!" for the door. Like that'll stop Leslie.

The hip-hop rehearses and Abby yells at Busted Foot Paige for, among all other things, FOOTWORK. Just how stupid is she? Kelly announces her concern (by shouting in the theatre, so Abby can hear her in the booth) for Paige's foot, that she looks like an idiot dancing in the number, and that the dance is stupid. She says that Paige doesn't even have to be in it. Abby wants the girls to run it again and Paige to rest quickly. Suddenly, when Abby wants them to start, Paige isn't there and Gia! comes out to tell Abby that Paige can't stand up. Uh, if she's on a headset, why did she run out to say this? As Paige is given ice for her foot, Kelly decides to step up. Abby gives her many ridiculous options, the only smart one being TAKE HER OUT OF THE DANCE, since she has no time to re-choreograph. Kelly decides to take Paige out. But Leslie has to shit on this parade and bring up rehearsals and why didn't anyone speak up before then. Surprisingly, Paige tells her that she did speak up but Leslie rudely tells her something along the lines of "YEAH, ONCE!" Who let this woman breed? Then she begins to attack Kelly's parenting skills, prompting the two to argue about the piece and something about videotaping it. Kelly can't deal with Leslie right now and says it's none of her business. Nope, Leslie really fucks up big time and cruelly says that Kelly needs to add yet another meeting to her schedule, AA and therapy. This sets Kelly off and they get into a huge screaming match. Leslie confessionalizes that the women are brutal liars. Yes but you're no Mary Sunshine yourself.

Flushed with rage, Kelly refuses to be in the same room with Leslie and storms out. Melissa appears to storm out as well, but it's really just to check on Kelly and see what's up with her, along with Christi, both who are wearing exercise clothes. Kelly says she's taking her kids home, with Paige limping to the car, and she asks Melissa to fetch Brooke. While being intercut with scenes of Leslie still running her mouth to a suicidal-looking Jill-Cher, Kelly tells Christi and Holly how everything Leslie claims about her is totally untrue (Christi vouched for that on Twitter). Melissa relays the news of Kelly leaving to Leslie, while Kelly calmly drives off with her less-than-concerned kids in tow and without Christi or Holly protesting her decision. This is a complete contrast to the bumper from last week where it appears that she's flooring her car out of the parking lot, completely livid. And the footage of Leslie being restrained by the production team? WHERE WAS THAT?! I wanted to see her comeuppance!

Anyway, Leslie once again barges into the light booth (told ya that sign wouldn't work) to relay all of this to Abby. Abby confessionalizes that Kelly better remember about her kids' contracts and that they BETTER be at that concert tomorrow (because I totally forgot all of this was at a rehearsal). In one of the strangest cuts this show ever has shown, the following scene is of Kelly treating the moms out for a night on the town because, for some unknown reason, Leslie won't be in the same dressing room any more. BUT WHY?! HUH?! This makes no sense! Did something happen off camera that we didn't know about? WHERE IS THAT FOOTAGE!!! Since the rest of us are screaming, let's turn to the portion of the episode known as DANCE MOMS GONE WILD! At the club, the moms drink, dance, engage with strippers (not Holly, of course), ending with Jill-Cher being the nasty one to take a dollar out of one of the male stripper's spanky pants. With her mouth. Oh, that'll be endearing.

It's the day of the concert, filled with Melissa's excitement and the return of the Hylands. Melissa says that she knows the kids would've been disappointed if the Hyland sisters didn't show up. Abby, naturally, ruins the moment by chastising Brooke for missing cues the other day. Abby vows to not let the "crazy mothers" ruin this day. Sure. As showtime nears, and contrary to Cathy wanting to count the empty seats, we're shown that the showcase is SOLD OUT! As the frenzy backstage occurs, Crazy Crapple Cathy and her team (seriously, I don't care if those girls claim to be "Eleven", they really look like high school seniors/bar hoppers) arrive. Cathy is just expecting it to be just one number after another. Well, duh, Captain Stupid, that's kind of the point of these things, unless it's a specific theme (like, say, 7 sins, or the elements, like my high school alma mater has done in the past. And were FANTASTIC). Abby says there's a bunch of her colleagues (and Cathy) in the audience so the pressure's on. Paige is going to be in the hip-not piece after all, so Abby expects her to hit it hard.

After some pieces, it's the moment of truth for the hip-hop piece, where Cathy's not expecting a grandmaster slam. And... ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh it is so so so baaaaad... Cathy says that Abby can't mask the JAZZ dancing as hip-hop, but I doubt the Crapples could do any better so she can stop right there. Christi's a bit more accurate by saying, "Pittsburgh, if you want to learn hip-hop, DON'T COME HERE." Well said dearie. After the number, Abby berates them but I think it's kind of pointless whenever she does that because it's not like they're going to be DOING it again anytime soon. And I pray to God they don't.

It's now time for "Trapped." Abby needs Chloe to convince everyone she's homeless (so she's dressed like a hipster). Chloe only has a little bit of time to get ready but she hopes she doesn't mess up. Kendall, however, is having a bit of a meltdown because she doesn't think she has enough time to get ready. Jill-Cher is pretty much harassing her, asking her what's wrong (as Kendall is ripping her hair out) to which Kendall responds with an apt, "I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!" Kendall's a badass, y'all.
The "Trapped" goes as Christi says it's a catch 22: Chloe has a great opportunity but, since Maddie performed it originally, she's going to be compared to her. Cathy the Clueless is wondering why there aren't any backdrops (it could be because backdrops are kind of tacky and there's no time to keep changing them), but Abby is proud of Chloe of applying a correction regarding a lift she does with Brooke. Christi thought she was fabulous and I thought so too, especially since she didn't look like a meerkat. Cathy has seen enough and she believes it comes nowhere near her own concerts. Yeah, I don't think Abby's concerts could be any worse than Cathy's ridiculousness.

Somehow, rumors on the internet are saying that the two teachers are close friends, but I'm skeptical of that claim, especially with how dense Cathy is portrayed.

The concert is over and Abby congratulates the team. Jill-Cher sucks up again by giving her a bouquet of roses but Christi is sick of the gift giving. Again. At curtain calls, it appears that the competition team each get individual bows (including Kendall) and, for some reason, Brooke and Maddie are wearing sashes. I was so confused at first but then, upon a closer look, they appear to say "DEA National Champion" so I guess it's just title flaunting. Surprising no one, Maddie gets a scholarship but the sweetest moment of all is Holly's reaction when Nia wins a scholarship for being the most improved dancer in the studio. GO NIA!!!

At the end of the show, Abby has a soiree outside of the venue to celebrate and everyone's having a ball. There's a highlight of some of the alumni from 1985 and Kelly barely recognizes them. Abby has them dish about Kelly by listing things like "Was Kelly late? Annoying? Loud?" to which they enthusiastically shout "YES!!!" Kelly then asks, "Was Kelly fun?!" The alumni respond with crickets and Kelly makes it awkward by (drunkenly?) shouting "WHOOO!!"

Hey, there's some new people who signed a lease! A woman named Kaya is here with her daughter, Nicaya, and they hail from St. Louis, wondering if they could perhaps joining the studio (They're going to travel THAT FAR?!). Abby is on a high right now... UNTIL SHE HEARS THE SCREECH. The uninvited Cathy is speaking with the St. Louis women, trying to get them to join HER studio and talking smack about Abby. Both mom and daughter are not amused and look like they want to deck her. Abby approaches Cathy and wonders where her broom is. Cathy attacks her for the lack of things in her show (like she should talk) and it turns out Jill-Cher was the one who invited her! She wanted her to see how Kendall's been faring since leaving the Crapples. Ugh, shut up Jill-Cher. Abby's deservedly worried that Cathy may have stolen some (all) of her ideas for pieces. So Cathy prepares to leave, with Abby saying, "Don't let the door hit ya!" Cathy retorts, "You can't even afford a door!" It's why she used it towards those scholarships your studio doesn't dish out. Supposedly. Besides, it looked a bit more lighthearted than what we saw on TV.

NEXT WEEK: Kaya and Nicaya are on the team! And Kaya is prepared to hold her own against the moms, particularly Kelly. We'll see how she'll fare.

Project Runway: One Way Monkey!

Previously on PR: Andrea ran off, Kooan bowed out, and the designers were asked to create looks for "Women on the Go". Raul came back (blurgh), Sonjia won (yay!), and Buffi was sent packing (NO!). And Laura Bennett read Kenley like a frickin' encyclopedia.

Morning time at Atlas finds Mean Girl Gunnar claiming to be "sad" that Buffi was shit-canned, but he's gonna keep his head of hot air in the game. Over in the girls' apartments, Melissa is the last one left in hers and she doesn't want to be the next one shipped home. So she's being moved into Alicia, Elena and Sonjia's suite, since they're the last girls left. In the other boys' apartment, Raul says that Christopher should have won the last challenge (it was kind of neck and neck). Raul then confessionalizes that he loves Christopher, that he "made a connection with this guy" and he "hasn't felt that way in a while"... uh oh... The last time anyone said that, they ended up dating (see Daniel Feld and Wesley Nault. EEP) so I immediately panic because Christopher deserves so much better and I'm pretty sure Tim is first in line. In other news, Christopher is still miffed over Andrea's ouster because he still feels responsible for it, but that was sooo last episode so let's move on with the show, shall we?

On the runway, Heidi comes out with 2 terrifying sights: another hideous dress and the famous velvet Button Bag OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Oh, wait, there's more! Resident Bitch of Marie Claire magazine and woman of ever-changing accents Nina Garcia is here to deliver the challenge. Goody! Alicia, possibly the only normal one of the group, is immediately worried because Nina is notoriously hard to please. Nina explains that, recently, Marie Claire has released a magazine focused on the "working woman" as its target audience, so they can be fashionable but still look presentable. I thought that's kind of cool. So, their challenge is to make designs that are editorial but still presentable in the real world. Oh, and they have to work in teams. Of course, the designers are all pissed. Most pissed? Obviously Elena, Raul, and Needlebutt Ven. There's more: The teams are responsible for their own photoshoot and the winning team's photos will be put in a spread in the Marie Claire working woman 'zine.

Since Spunky Sonjia won the last challenge, she gets to pick first. Sonjia is a bit worried because she doesn't want anyone to think she's playing favorite (not that it matters), so she picks Elena first. Mean Girl Gunnar offers some pointless commentary about how he'd rather eat dirt than work with Elena. I'd rather he eat dirt regardless. For the second team, Heidi draws from the button bag Nathan's name, so he picks Needlebutt Ven. I fell asleep during his reasoning, so I wake up in time to find Elena picking Melissa for her team. Needlebutt picks Christopher and Melissa picks Dmit-zzzzz. Christopher picks Fabio and Raul gets all pissy about that, mostly because of his raging crush I guess. Christopher reasons that he likes Raul but is well aware that Needlebutt can't stand him, among many other things. Dmit-zzzzz picks Alicia, which leaves the most grating people last. Oh, how the tables have turned, and neither bitch is pleased. Mean Girl Gunnar really doesn't want to be on either team, and is selected to be on the team full of guys. Raul is then placed on the team of six. He's pissed but this is his chance to "punch them harder" to prove everyone wrong about sending him home the first time. Yeah. Anyway, to even the playing field, the amount of people on each team will make that many outfits: So one team will make five outfits and one will make six. I guess that's fair rather than have them make 16, one being an evening gown made of aluminum foil, condoms, and computer speakers. Now THERE'S a challenge!

Uncle Tim emphasizes that there are NO TEAM LEADERS (Joshua McKinley!). To make things easier, he just calls the teams by their number, so we have team five and team six. But that's boring in my world, so I'll give them nicknames when we get to mood. Continuing, Tim has to shill the HP tablets and other electronic devices. None of them include the HP BeatsAudio laptop which just so happens to be the type my grandmother got for me for my 22nd birthday that I'm typing on right now! It also makes listening to music a pleasure, unlike my sister who possibly believes that Topeka, Kansas, must listen to her music so she blasts it as loud as she can on a pair of speakers. Oh, and there's more: It wouldn't be much of a challenge without unnecessary stress so the kids only have until 11 PM that night and NO TIME the next day because they're going straight into the photo shoot rather than work for an additional 2 hours before the runway like they usually do. It's great looking at their faces fall at the news.

Time to deliberate. Team 6 finds Sonjia coming up with the plan to have each designer work on what their strengths are rather than work on 6 individual outfits that look nothing like a collection. For example, Sonjia will work on skirts, Alicia will work on pants, Raul will work on being a whiny bitch over facing elimination AGAIN. Over on Team 5, the guys work on themes and, since fall is coming up, they'll go with that... with color! Mean Girl Gunnar suggests they work with old southern lady colors like plum and babbles about some other nonsense as the others ignore him. He whines that Christopher, Needlebutt Ven and that guy Nathan are dictating everything and picking wild neon colors. Because god forbid there should be organization over chaos. Speaking of, on Team 6, Elena is immediately going cray-cray and Sonjia laments that everyone wants to do their own things, especially Raul, who's being a selfish brat. Team 5 discusses job placement and that guy Nathan is making some really odd design. Needlebutt Ven is worried that Mean Girl Gunnar doesn't have a strong point of view as, well, everyone. Gunnar sketches some really hideous looking dress as he moans about the team micromanaging him. What does Laura Bennett have to say? "Get over the 'I work alone' crap." Well said.

Mood and nickname time! Team 5 gets $1000 as Team 6 gets $1200 for shopping. Team 6, from here on called "Team Bitch", is a hot mess, according to Spunky, because they have different opinions and are scattered around the entire store. Team 5 has a different approach, which is to stick together to get their fabrics, and as such look like a bunch of old ladies going shopping. And so they are "Team Old Lady". Team Bitch's scattered store approach isn't working very well as Melissa is trying to find Raul so he doesn't do anything crazy and Dmit-zzzzz cannot find anyone around. Team Old Lady is pretty much cool and collected, kind of putting a damper of the chaotic mood the commercials set this challenge up to be. Then again, this is Lifetime which, like the real women it projects to, tends to make a big deal over nothing.

In the workroom, the teams unload their bags and Team Bitch immediately runs into a problem: A bag containing wool Elena planned to make a jacket with is missing! But, rather than go back to the store with the receipt (like Kenley did seasons ago to get her beloved tulle), Team Bitch decides to use Dmit-zzzzz's jersey. Melissa also tries to come up with a second plan but Raul is against it, possibly for three reasons: 1) It wasn't his idea. 2) It sounded bad and 3) It was her idea. As Team Old Lady works calmly in the background, Dmit-zzzzz complains about Raul freaking out before anything has happened yet. Elsewhere on Team Old Lady, Fabio is relieved that his team is focused on their work and, after Nathan pointlessly recaps what the challenge is, Christopher finds Kooan's hairbrush in the workroom and makes a sad face. Everyone jokes that he's probably freaking out about it right now so Christopher puts it on the edge of a table. Then Elena finds that she has to rework her design and, like she was raised in the Ukraine, flips out while Fabio suggests that everyone stays out of her way unless she kills them. Team Old Lady checks on Princess Mean Girl Gunnar and Nathan is concerned over the skirt he's making. Gunnar is pissed because it isn't his aesthetic. Meanwhile, Raul constructs something equally bad, one of his tops, which he says represents him, which translates to "but not the rest of the team". He says that he has a voice but no one wants to hear it (because it says, "DO WHAT I WANT TO DOOOO!!"). Elena can see that he's not being a team player and they could lose the challenge because of it. She freaks out again because she hates the challenge, she hates the palette, she hates the fabrics that she decides to chuck around the room, she hates puppies, she hates weddings, she hates that Tyra can't stick to one hairstyle, etc.

Uncle Tim arrives (in a presentable shirt since I didn't note anything about it... or maybe I was tired, who knows really) to a very sullen work room. He meets with Team Bitch first, who greet him with a sullen sigh. He wants to know what's going on, so Melissa and Dmit-zzzzz are making dresses, with the latter's being color blocked that looks sleek and like every other dress he's ever made. Raul made a bad pleated top that Mean Girl Gunnar hates. Tim offers a compliment and says that it's a counterpoint to the ensemble. Elena says that she reworked her top because she saw how incredible Sonjia's skirt looked and thought her damn blouse wasn't up to par. So Melissa comes in for the save and says that they'll give that girl a blue clutch and Elena agrees to it. Dmit-zzzzz says that it doesn't FEEL like their work but it does fulfill the challenge.
Over on Team Old Lady, not a lot has been done. Needlebutt has been working on a wearable blouse (yawn) and Nathan has been making... some really funky looking pants and Fabio is making shorts. Spunky Sonjia thinks their collection reads more "resort" than "work" and the judges probably wouldn't like it. Then again, they liked that disaster Mean Girl Gunnar and Kooan shipped down the catwalk so who knows really. Uncle Tim worries that the colors and print will make it look "clownish". Mean Girl Gunnar finds it difficult to keep his mouth shut since he thinks it looks like "drag queen cocktail". His mouth has been SHUT?! Tim directs his focus towards MGG's hideous skirt and says that the lace could make it look very matronly (look at who he designs for) as Nathan is getting concerned that their points of view are getting lost. We leave Tim asking MGG how is he going to "uncostume" the skirt.

We don't find out the answer for that so the editors cut straight to MGG doing what he's comfortable with, himself (SHOCKER), talking to himself, and everyone promptly ignoring him. So let's look at something equally tragic, which is Team Bitch falling apart. Raul isn't doing shit, of course, so Sonjia goes MGG's path and plans to do "whatever the hell [she] wants." Since she's likable, I'm all for it. Out of nowhere, Christopher is singing about "Silk Chiffon-ies" but, thankfully, unlike RuPaul's Drag Race and "CHEESECAKE!", the inside joke is explained by Elena, who compares him, Needlebutt, and Nathan as the "Generals" of the Silk Chiffon-ies because that's all they work with. HA! Melissa does point out that chiffon isn't really a fabric most women wear to work so sorry guys! She's cute.
Back on Team Bitch, Elena wonders aloud who wears navy blue to work, DMIT-ZZZZZ?! Oh, wait a a minute, she wasn't joking around. Dmit-zzzzz says everyone hates her as she mocks him. Christopher asks about the navy debacle as Dmit-zzzzz points out the obvious by saying that Elena shouldn't be on a team because she has emotional problems.

The models arrive and Christopher asks the age old question: To belt his top or not to belt his top? HMM. Needlebutt rips on Mean Girl Gunnar's tastes, which are none, while Dmit-zzzzz provides the line of the season when he calls Needlebutt a "one way monkey" er, "ONE TRICK PONY" because he does the same old pleating crap he's been doing since day one. He was right the first time. Miss Melissa is having issues fitting her dress because the back is getting really wonky. After the models leave, the designers rush to finish their designs since they won't have any time the next day. Nathan pointlessly comments how people are falling apart, including himself because he sewed his pants incorrectly. TWICE. On Team Bitch, Elena scores some major points by referring to Raul as "Eddie Munster". He decides to try on his top on Elena to see how it'll look on her, despite the fact that she's not of model proportions so it looks like her boobs are going to fall out. Meanwhile, Miss Melissa rushes to finish her dress in 16 minutes as the designs basically maul the Lord and Taylor wall clean of accessories and put them in bags. MGG hasn't seen his team's looks together and hopes they'll be cohesive.

It's time for the photoshoot at Go Studios, where Miss Melissa recaps the challenge. They only have three hours to get three photos and the stakes are high since the winning photos will be put in the magazine's spread. I didn't catch the photographer's name but this isn't ANTM so who cares about him. Unless he's Mike Ruiz. Mmmmm... Elena goes power crazy and Raul believes she came from the military. I wouldn't be surprised. The surprisingly competent Team Old Lady is working pretty smoothly with their photos, complete with sketches! All the while, Elena goes crazier by the second and the makeup team, Nathan, and possibly the next room over are knocking her for it.

Elena: The "Duck Lips" of PR season 10.

She and Raul get all pissy while Team Old Lady continues to work like a well oiled machine. Oh great, now Elena's freaking out over the PROPS, and how in some shots they aren't used but then she starts orgasming over the photos with the props. Raul bitches about it, so Elena shifts her focus on Melissa, who's trying to calm her down. Another pissing match erupts between Eddie Munster and Cray-Cray but she blows a fuse when Melissa tells her to stop freaking out. Eventually, everyone just leaves her alone. And so, the session ends.

Since there's not much to do on Runway day, there's nothing to note beyond MGG's hideous hair. Today, Heidi manages to get it halfway there: A nice silk shirt paired with unfortunate leather leggings, which ARE. NOT. PANTS. The guest judge is editor in chief of Marie Claire, Joanna Coles. She was the "Tim Gunn" of Project Runway Trainwreck/Chance for Mondo to righteously win All Stars. Plus, she's British.
Team Old Lady walks first. And they all did individual pieces, making it very easy to follow who is who. Nathan's look is kind of blah and his pants are unfortunate. Christopher, obviously, does well, and decided to not belt the jacket, which he admits looks kind of iffy. But his skirt, despite some fraying, looks gorgeous. Mean Girl Gunnar's dress is... quite an eyesore. Her boobs are hanging way too low, prompting Boob-crazy Heidi to say this gem: "It's like floating souffle boobies." I like Fabio's design, simple but effective, but the headscarf is a little weird. Needlebutt Ven's garment is really bland and boring, and I can't stand that the skirt is cinching into the cooch. Overall, it's a good collection but not much of a knockout.
Team Bitch's turn. Melissa's dress is STUNNING, especially since it's not black for a change! Plus, her back is amazing with the asymmetrical zipper. Since the work was divided among the team, the next look consists of Alicia's pants and Elena's blouse. It looks pretty chic, and it would definitely be something my sister would wear. Raul and Sonjia are next with their first shirt/skirt combo and while her skirt is nice, his top is really bad. The second Alicia/Elena look isn't as great as the first. While the pants are okay, Elena's severe shoulder blouse just doesn't fit in with the theme. Dmit-zzzzz sends down another one way monkey dress that looks slick but wouldn't really work in the workplace. And the second Raul/Sonjia look is kind of tragic, her skirt being a bit too voluminous and his top being too bulky.

 After tallying up the scores, Heidi announces that both teams have tied! So now it's anyone's game this time. And anyone could also be eliminated. Suspense!

Team Old Lady
Needlebutt says that they wanted to make "chic, sophisticated clothes" and Heidi thought they were very smart for going with softer clothes. Nina, since she's the all reigning ruler of this challenge, says that they did a great job to keep this looking like a collection than five individual pieces, something people in the past have done, and they worked well together and took direction. She loves Christopher's manipulation of the skirt and Kors loves Fabio's dress because his own target audience, women in the 60's, could still be able to wear that, but he doesn't understand the headscarf. He does love Christopher's skirt as well. Nina isn't a fan of Nathan's look, calling it matronly and unflattering, where Nathan digs his own grave by saying that was intentional. Nina asks him if that's really the look women are going for, which, duh, of course not. Joanna likes Needlebutt's interpretation and the group photo of three girls because it looks like they're having "fun" at work. The judges are pretty unanimous deeming Gunnar's flopsy dress as the worst of the bunch. Heidi hates it, repeats her souffle boobs comment, saying they're all over the place, and that it's inappropriate. YES! Gunnar tries to pass some bullshit off by saying he designed it for a younger audience, and Heidi calls his dress cheap. You can see him trying to control his rage. And that the print made the girl(s?) look older.
Heidi then asks the ultimate "Who should go home?" question. Fabio tries to bypass that by saying that Needlebutt's look is the best. That's nice but that's not answering the question, you idiot. Christopher, Nathan, and Needlebutt agree with Heidi that Gunnar was the worst and Gunnar provides no answer beyond saying that he thought his look was the bee's knees. They then go to the lounge to dish and Gunnar isn't really in the mood to talk.

Team Bitch
Alicia describes the group's work ethic (focus on their strengths, divide, and conquer), mostly because we haven't heard her much this season. Nina calls it "modern" and "editorial", particularly Melissa's blue dress, which photographed beautifully. She goes on to say that most the clothes up there are very wearable and, being a member of the Pants Tribe, adored the "trousers", both wide leg and skinny. Kors' loved Melissa dress for it's believability in the office. Well, maybe in a fashion office but what about school? Or post? Or porn company? Heidi calls Raul's unfortunate ruffly top "too much". Overall, says Kors, the collection is cohesive. Joanna calls it "commercial" (as a compliment) and anyone would buy them, but she hates the black ruffly top but loves the skirt. Joanna likes Dmit-zzzzz's dress but notes it wouldn't work anywhere else, like a paralegal's office. Heidi's least favorite piece is Elena's poofy blouse but Joanna said it COULD work in a paralegal's office (maybe if you were in Resident Evil or something). Kors' says that it wasn't a team effort, it was just 6 different outfits.
As for the weakest question, Sonjia, Alicia, Melissa, and Elena name Raul, Elena because he has horrible construction. Raul and Dmit-zzzzz list Elena for not compromising her designs (Raul) and for her bad work ethic (Dmit-zzzzz). In the lounge, Dmit-zzzzz is attack for his comments regarding Elena and Raul lets it be known that he hates her.

Deliberations were hard to follow this time but let's find out who wins this thing...

Winning Photo: Team Bitch

Winning look: Melissa! She (and I) feels excited, great, and happy about the win!

Bottom 2: Mean Girl Gunnar and Eddie Munster Raul

Hang on... I need to relish in this moment for a cool minute.

Eliminated: Raul. Again.

Gunnar tries to be witty and thanks them for the "heart attack" (if only) and Heidi and Raul joke about saying goodbye twice. At this point, he doesn't care about being eliminated. He just reminds the room that he hates Elena and hopes they eliminate her soon. Uh, no one cares. As always, Christopher is the first to offer the hug. In the end, Raul says that he doesn't make quick garments and that isn't who he is so he's happy to go. Yeah, yeah, please don't come back.

Next time: The "real woman" challenge! Haircutting and Nathan's client wants a midriff, met with bitchface, Needlebutt "dogging" his model, and people throwing away opportunities.

Dance Moms: Lifetime needs Cathy's meds

Previously on Dance Moms: Paige has gone from "Fall Gal" to "Busted Foot", so Jill-Cher swoops in for a spot for Kendall. Kelly proved that she may not be the smartest woman ever but the most rational by not allowing Brooke to dance due to a back injury. The team wins the majority of the awards, except Macks who got second. And Christi went apeshit on Abby for favoritism yet again.

First, I didn't notice that Jill-Cher was the mom who ushered the kids out last week. Second, where the hell did the chiropractor footage come from? Seriously, no one watches those "extra" (read: Deleted) clips on Lifetime.

It's a brand new episode and Kendall is back in the lineup. Abby gushes over the "clean sweep" at the competition last week and that the judges definitely know who this team this. Uh, didn't she say last week that they're on the pamphlets and magazines? So, I'm pretty sure they know who they are already. Your shit don't stink. Speaking of Kendall, she's still a guest on the team, and she's going to be until both Jill-Cher and little Maureen Cummings WANT to be on this team for LIFE (which, according to Jabba the Lee, ends at 18).

Pyramid time starts with Brooke for copping out of her solo because of her intense pain. Abby's faux concern is tarnished by her screaming at Brooke for not wanting to dance through the pain. So she's on the bottom for not speaking up. Of course, we know that even if she did, Abby would care more about her dance than her student's welfare. For some really weird reason, Paige is next, and since she can't dance for the next month or so (or, according to Abby, "next week") so she's just gonna stick around and write down terminology in her notebook. Kelly notes that it's kind of strange that Paige is marginally higher on the pyramid and she can't even dance for while. WEIRD. Mackenzie, who somehow turned 8, rounds out the bottom because, allegedly, she had a meltdown backstage last time with footage of Abby scolding her. Maddie is in the middle, and she looks confused to be there, because she needs higher goals to attain and not just wins. Coming from the woman who says winning is everything, you should rub it in others' faces, and other nonsense. Chloe is next because she did okay in the group, outstanding in the group, but she needs to be more intense. This means that NIA is on the top. She's like the breath of fresh air for the group. She's up there for pretty much the same reasons she was up there last time, which is that she works hard. Holly says that they're both aware that the top isn't an expectation but getting there is a good thing. However, along with being on top, Nia gets to be the "dance captain" this week (translation: Not only did Abby not want to choreograph a solo for her, but she needs something to yell at her this week.) which, according to Nia, is the watered down version of Jabba the Lee: She gets to apply corrections but puts it on them lightly, among other duties.

The competition this week is a Starbound competition in Myrtle Beach. Aside from the standard group, Kendall and Macks will be doing a duet, Chloe will have a solo but Maddie won't (DRAMA!). The group dance is called "Taken", the basis is that there's a different girl in a different color within a group of bland girls dressed and who dance the same. The bland girls want to be the different girl but know it's not a possibility, so they force the different girl to be a part of their group. Basically, it's a thinly veiled dance about Abby's mindset regarding Maddie. Christi is worried because Abby always wants a clean sweep, and without the saving grace of Maddie, Chloe's just going to get even more pressured put on her this week. Same old, same old. Jill-Cher says that Kendall belongs on the team and that Abby "invited" them to the pyramid this week. I'll bet. Abby tells Kendall she's a very lucky girl but admonishes her for going to the Crapple's because her technique has worsened and, like many other times this episode, reminds her that she's a GUEST on the team.

The group theme might be just a smidge tough for the girls to get this week so, obviously, Maddie gets to be the oddball girl. Abby tries to pass off that Maddie has the "facial expressions" to portray the girl to the judges. I know that's a big fat lie because my dad says Maddie has a face of the horse. In Mom-Land, Christi is, to the surprise of no one, displeased with the group number, although she calls it a "cult" which immediately gives the routine its name for the episode, and that if anyone is different, Abby will suck you into her nonsense. The moms dish about it, but they all basically talk on top of one another, so the only one with a valid point is Kelly, saying that it's yet another piece about Maddie. Well, Melissa McBitch gets all pissy-pants about THAT while Christi says that they always celebrate the kids' victories but not Melissa (unless it's Maddie). As the two get into a screaming match, the girls are edited to look like they're watching and hearing the whole thing. Maturity levels are pointed out about how Melissa doesn't talk about the other girls, as we get evidence from when she ratted out Chloe missing class (due to doctor's orders), more bickering about Melissa lying like it's her job, and then Christi brings up Melissa's married sugar daddy boyfriend and how she had an affair with a former boss (which I pray to God is not Abby). This argument is going nowhere fast, especially since Melissa is screaming for no reason and has obscenities fly out of her mouth, including one juicy one which prompts Kelly to say, "Oh, we haven't used that word in a while." HA!

The moms then tell clueless Jill-Cher about how this is how Melissa functions, with Holly leading the way, since she's clearly the voice of reason. She says that she may be annoying, but Melissa is definitely a smart woman. It's why she issued those cease-and-desist papers last time. Meanwhile, Mother of the Year forces poor Macks to get her purse from the booth. Macks is crying because the moms are talking about Melissa and that she doesn't want her to leave the studio. This bounces off Melissa and she abandons her kids at the studio. Again.

With only two days until the competition, Abby is stressed for time. However, she's pissed because Melissa has now flat out refused to bring Maddie or Mackenzie to the studio, probably knowing that Abby won't give her much shit because it's Maddie and all. Jill-Cher immediately is plotting for Kendall to get on the team but, seriously, homeslice is no Maddie. After a brief discussion over the lantern prop for Chloe's solo, Abby realizes there's no Zieglers present. Fantastic for her.

No time to get into that because we have to check in Ohio with the Crazy Crapple. She has "top secret news" (guess what? Your kids are old enough to not be spoken to like 3 year olds), which is, of course, announced on national television. The Crapples are headed off to the same Starbound competition! Last time, the ALDC wasn't so nice to Cathy (and since when has anyone ever been "nice" to each other on this show? Dance-teacher wise anyway) so, of course, she's in to win. While the nation laughs that out of their system, Cathy says she's brought back the "M&Ms" (the gay guys from a few weeks ago), as well as a new(er) boy. Guess the blonde prop boy didn't work out so well. She claims that the kids like the guys (no argument there: They probably like them because they make decent pieces) and that they're going to work harder than ever, especially since Jill-Cher and Maureen Cummings defected back to the ALDC. The new kid, Drayson (???), is here as a replacement until someone permanent comes in.

Back in PA, Abby pushes on with the group rehearsal sans Maddie Blanche DuBois. She has Nia take on her dance captain role by counting off the dance while she panics, and Nia's doing a pretty solid job. Kelly comments how Jill-Cher is always trying to slither her way into the group while Christi says something about them not being able to handle the truth, and I think she meant either Melissa or Jill-Cher but, at this point, who cares really. At Camp Crapples, Drayson and Justice are doing a duet that seems ripped off from So You think You can Dance called "Promotion" to go up against Kendall and Macks (it almost makes no sense about how she found THAT out, but then again, Lifetime/Melissa/Jill-Cher/Starbound website told her). However, Cathy admits that it's not going well because she's a hack Justice can't really get a handle on being an "aggressive" character, what with his pent up rage at the bitter age of ten and everything... The group, however, is on edge and has a lot of movement (which is kind of the whole point of dance, right?). Cathy calls it a "hot" dance and I worry about what's to come.

Over in PA, Abby has Dance Captain Supreme Nia call Maddie to see if she can get her butt over for rehearsal. Once again, Nia proves her brain power by saying that she has no direct power over if Maddie can get to the studio because SHE'S NOT HER MOM. (Never change, Nia). Nia relays that Melissa won't let Maddie go to the studio because she's mad at the moms. You're always mad at the moms, this isn't new. Obviously, with no Maddie, the piece makes absolutely no sense. Eventually, Mother of the Year drops her kids off but doesn't stay at the studio so Maddie can rehearse. Abby then yells at Maddie for missing most of the rehearsal and cannot believe how much time has been lost. Yawn yawn yawn.

Our front desk moment of the week involves Gia!, whom we haven't seen in a while. Well, she "discovers" that not only are the Crapples competiting at Starbound, but they're also in each category they're in! She becomes suspicious of the duet, since it's with two boys so she suspects one of them is a ringer, which Gia! agrees to. Now Jabba the Lee HAS to get Maddie to compete. Well, lookie, Melissa has decided to go into the studio today, doing the whole "oblivious" act she fails at so well, also saying that she doesn't have to be there. Christi brings up the double standard how Chloe misses rehearsal and she gets yelled at while Maddie misses rehearsal and nothing happens. Okay, that storyline is so last half-season.

Chloe's solo is titled "Leave the Light On", which involves the lantern from earlier. The lantern is used to find more light. Really? I never would have guessed! Of course, Jabba decides to throw a pile of shit on poor Chloe by saying she HAS to win because she's up against Justice. Meanwhile, besties Jill-Cher and Melissa chat about Abby wanting Maddie to do a solo so last minute and Melissa won't let her (shocker! She's standing her ground! But her being a bitch distracts this glowing moment). Jill-Cher agrees that that wasn't fair, but she has to sell Kendall some more by saying that if SHE was told to learn a solo the day before, she would've done it. Sorry, but your cloud of delusion is thicker than thick, Jill-Cher. Kendall's a sweet girl, but she's no Melanie Moore. Christi then laments on Abby's waning faith (if there's any left) in Chloe by saying that she might as well take Chloe's solo and have Maddie do it. Again, yawn yawn yawn.

Macks and her Snooki bump are here to describe the duet, an acro number (what else?) called "Reservations for Two". I was REALLY hoping it was a send up of "Midnight at the Oasis". THAT would've been gold. Unfortunately, it's not looking so good. But we don't spend too much time on them because Maddie Blanche DuBois is brought back in for a chat with Abster. She tells Maddie that she doesn't want to go there and not win but Maddie won't learn a solo because even she knows she can't learn that fast. It looks like Abby curses in front of Maddie here, but I know that there's no way she would do that in front of a child, no matter how much of an ignorant woman she is and how badly she should be arrested. Abby then confessionalizes that if Maddie doesn't compete and they lose, she's killing Melissa. YEAH! Do that! Then you can go to jail, Melissa would be gone, her kids would be freed and I'm thinking WAY too much ahead of this! Okay, come back down to Earth now... and I'm back. Melissa, naturally, doesn't care and storms out.

We arrive at Myrtle Beach, where Abby is worried because the competition is tough and the "crab apples" (her effort, though I panicked at the thought that they actually, by some odd chance or another, found these). Off topic: How come the stage looks way smaller here? On second thought, I won't bother with that one because, as someone who has traveled with a company over the summer, some venues have smaller spaces than others. The Crapples arrive and the ALDC moms grimace at hearing Cathy's voice from waaaaay beyond the green room. She must be one hell of a screecher. Abby brings Jill-Cher over to check out this Drayson kid to see if she has any idea who he is, which she allegedly doesn't. Cathy reveals that Drayson is a guest this week who doesn't compete with the studio regularly... so he's either one of the "300" dancers at the studio or an outside source. Elsewhere, Christi needs Chloe to believe in herself! But I'm sure she'll be fine anyway.

As always, Chloe is nervous, this time it's because she's up against the juggernaut that is Justice from the Apples. Of course, I love the song, her dancing, and I get the chills at the end. However, something just seemed very off about her performance this week. I wonder what it is. Christi cheers from the audience like a proud mommy but is worried because Justice is right after her. This week, Justice takes a cue from DMM's Lucas and is just dancing in shorts and no shirt. Will Cathy ever stop being a hack? And will Abby stop looking like she took a Quaalude? To be honest, I wasn't too too impressed with it, since all it was was a bunch of tricks, but he comes off as a "heavy" dancer. Abby notes she saw the same damn sequence NINE TIMES. Seriously, she should probably go to therapy for her OCD. I mean, no one cares how many times Paige needs to sit, or Macks was told to spit out her gum, and such. She says that Chloe may have a shot, but that requires faith in her, so she pisses about Melissa not letting Maddie do a solo this competition. Melissa is just sick of "Maddie" getting upset whenever the moms yell at Melissa. I'll bet.

It's time for the Cult Dance. The girls are Amish women this week and the only main issue Abby is freaking out this time is Brooke getting a bonnet on Maddie during the number. She does but I do catch Maddie saving herself by tightening the bonnet when her back is turned, buying some extra time. Good thinking, girls. The ending of the piece is really freaky, with Maddie looking more like a possessed cult member than an additional member of the group. Actually, there's not much of a difference there but that shit was creepy!
The Crapples continue their hacking spree in a Schoolgirl prostitot number titled "My Hair Like This". To be fair, they are covered up just a bit more than, well, every other slutty schoolgirl number out there, including some of the ALDC's pieces. The group enters the stage and, already, Crazy Cathy is SCREAMING from the audience to hold EVERYTHING (nothing has even happened yet, mind you). What's going on? Did ANOTHER girl injure herself? Someone throwing up?... no, the kids aren't bright enough to bring on a chair, especially since they've probably been working with one UP UNTIL NOW. Abby calls her students "irresponsible" for forgetting a frickin' folding chair that one of their choreographers has to bring on. Uh, spoiled? Stupid? Wtf? Anyway, after that dumb screw up, they finally dance, which just looks like a stripper routine. Vivi, as per usual, does nothing beyond sitting on a chair, and standing up. Then again, we only see 10 seconds of the routine so... well, I may as well just be right about Vivi-Anne doing nothing. FREE VIVI!!!!!!! Cathy feels pretty good about this piece. She's nuts.

Awards time finds that first and second place (by some coincidence being Chloe and Justice) are separated by 1/10th of a point... YET AGAIN. Chloe gets second and Justice gets first, causing Christi's heart to sink and me to cringe. Chloe is trying very hard to hide her disappointment... or maybe it's the stupid bonnet. Who knows, really. Abby's excuse is that the judges love seeing boys dance, so more boy winners mean more boy dancers in the future. Eh, I'll half-buy it. Thankfully, the Crapples get third and the FLDC gets first for groups! Yahoo! What a minute... what about duets? We'll find out later but first, Abby has to make an ass out of herself by knocking Chloe for being a "1/10th of a loser"... yeah that rolls off the tongue. Christi just wishes Abby could be PROUD of Chloe getting such a good placement but no, it's all about WINNING. Holly has no idea why Jabba is so freaked out over Cathy to begin with (they keep wiping the floor with her everywhere they go: Give it a rest!) but she really needs to chill out and calm down. But there's no time for that, because Abby is freaking out over the duets.

The Boys go first with their "Promotion" knock off and Abby is worried that they could win again simply because they're boys... but watching it, it just looks frenetic and all over the place and kind of bad. No one is impressed. So, let's see Ken and Macks' duet! It's actually kind of cute, not the best, but cute. At one point, Macks stumbles and take a header riiiiiiiiiight into Kendall's butt, causing me to burst out in laughter at home. Kendall's line this week is that it felt weird competing against Justice because he used to be a teammate of hers. At awards, the boys get second and the girls get first! YAY! Abby is thrilled with 2 out of 3, but screws up big time by saying, "You can blame Chloe for that." Because Chloe is a judge and choreographer of that routine. Darn her!

Continuing the fall from grace, Abby goes to rub it in Cathy's faces about the wins. Cathy is a bitter Betty and tells her that her girls are always doing fresh and new choreography, unlike Abby's girls (Need I remind you: Who is the one who keeps WINNING?). Nothing interesting beyond the dance teachers screaming at each other, probably setting up a climatic duel with Mackenzie against Vivi (I'll take the vegas odds on that one). Cathy tries to sound impressive by saying that Macks is only better because she's missing school half the time, which Melissa vehemently denies (I believe her here). Then, Cathy's brain malfunctions and the best insult she can come up with is "Take your technicolor ass out of here!" Classy, assy.

Next time: It's the ALDC showcase/concert! Abby attempts to teach the girls a "hip-hop" routine, which'll look whiter than whitewash. Madame Leslie Rose and Big Pimpin' Payton return (since she's part of the studio and all), the former making a huge shit for no reason, and Cathy showing up for no apparent reason other than to "count the empty seats". It's the one time there's no competition and she's still making a big deal out of it! GROW UP WOMEN!!! Oh wait, too late, Leslie's being held back by personnel as Kelly speeds off with her kids. Ooooh goody.

Project Runway: The Runaways (with an awesomely scathing "read" from Laura Bennett)

Previously: The designers endured their first team challenge of the season, which was to create an Emmy's gown from past Project Runway contestants and winners. Elena kept having nervous breakdowns, Buffi kept her cool,  Christopher began to lose his patience, Ven and Kenley won (I'm getting there in a second) while Raul was sent packing and sulked away. And THEN we were left with the cliffhanger of where the hell did Old Broad Andrea go?

But, before things can go any further, I wanted to bring up something interesting. You see, I'm never been one to read past contestant blogs (unlike TVGasm, which absolutely ROCKS) but I stumbled upon Laura Bennett's blog, since she was there and all. And, let me tell you... girl throws some serious SHAAAAAAADE! In her entry regarding the team challenge, she brought up what really went on in the workroom. First, she knew that Elena was, of course, a nervous wreck for being in the bottom but what we didn't see was that Buffi just flitted around the room and not do much work. Well, we gathered that already but it may have irritated her. Then she discussed Irina's dress, which was FAR WORSE than what we saw at home. Laura called the fabric Gunnar and Kooan used "tacky, shiny, and cheap" and the dress "tight" on Irina, who came up with the idea for the train to cover the flaws. All these combined is Heidi's recipe for "Winner!" So Irina scored some points for me there (but Laura scored LOTS of points for calling Gunnar "one of the most annoying contestants ever"). Laura saved the best whip lashing for Kenley. First, she said that editing made Kenley appear sweeter than ever (Lifetime sure loves its editing). As expected, she was anything but, being loud and obnoxious, making outrageous demands to hair, makeup, AND her designers, complaining about the food, and such. Laura bashed on her ridiculous outfit and called her out on trash-talking Heidi. She ended her piece saying that had Kenley been in her season, there would have been "a murder" on set. It's official: I love Laura Bennett.

On to the show!

We last left off with Old Broad Andrea's disappearance. The guys have no idea that she's missing and poor Christopher feels like he pushed her in front of a bus unintentionally because of frustration. He's well aware that there's going to be tension between them if they see her. Kooan isn't feeling so good (as in he's depressed) over in the other boy's apartment as Mean Girl Gunnar recaps how uncharacteristically quiet he was during the last challenge. Instead of having Heidi sear my eyes with another fashion abomination, the designers are shipped down to Madison Avenue for the next challenge, which is delivered in Michael Melonhead's new store! Fabio, dressed in the finest hobo-wear, is blown away by its beauty.

But, first things first, Uncle Tim has to address Old Broad Andrea's sudden outser. Unbeknownst to anyone, she left during the middle of the night and now no one has any idea where she is and cannot come into contact with her, trying to make this sound like a serious situation. Christopher has no words for this but Buffi says that Andrea probably wouldn't have gone further but she shouldn't have left like this. Agreed. No wait, Lifetime thought it was a good idea to pack EVERY designers' opinions about this sordid event, so Needlebutt Ven says that this is no way for a teacher to act, Elena compares the industry to a shark, and Melissa, who's also becoming a fast favorite, is well aware that any day isn't easy and this competition helps them realize that. Huh, so it's not entirely for our entertainment. I'll take it.

Now for the challenge. Kors lists that he designs for women who want to be chic, pulled together, relaxed and easy... so he designs for high end prostitutes? Basically, the challenge is to make a garment for a woman on the go from the designer's aesthetic, which the group is thrilled over. Kors also warns that textiles are important and that these garments shouldn't wrinkle easily. Buffi is happy because they get to show themselves as designers and not be run over by ridiculousness like candy and past contestants who deserve a good punch in the face. The designers go to various places in the store for a quiet place to sketch. Mean Girl Gunnar decides now is the time to stir some shit and asks about Andrea. Melissa did see her get up at some point in the night but go back to bed. So she did too, which is why she didn't think she would be, you know, leaving. Fabio thought she just slept in and everyone left her be while Gunnar calls it taking the cowards way out. Then Mean Girl Gunnar calls the kettle black by saying Old Broad Andrea acted pretty immature and I wished a wrecking ball came crashing through his interview. Elsewhere, Tim finds some of the guys designing in one of the areas in the store and advises them to get into their client's head (off topic: I keep screwing up client by typing "clinet" which makes me think I typed "clarinet". So don't mind if I think the designers are designing for woodwind masters about to play a sold out show at Carnegie Hall). Sonjia's girl works at an ad agency, Dmit-zzzzz is making something out of jersey, Fabio's going black and white, and Melissa notices that the store has tons of vibrant colors. But, luckily, she remembers they're working from their aesthetic so she's sticking to her black hues despite what Kors' sells there. On the other side of the shop, Gunnar is going to make some hideous dress while Buffi plans to design for the party girl who's a people person. Clever!

Mood time is just as frantic as ever, with Fabio commenting on its huge size (although, I've never set foot in any fabric store and, judging from Diane von Furstenberg's (bows) fabric room, they look pretty small). And where's Swatch? Christopher's girl works in Louboutin's and is sophisticated but Buffi wants to avoid using pink, despite that she keeps eying it anyway. Dmit-zzzzz can't find the fabrics he wants and Fabio notices Kooan's looking more distant than ever, mostly because Kooan has a lot on his mind. Sonjia darts around the store looking for her fabrics but she can't make clear decisions because there's seriously no time to think.

Feeling partly responsible for Old Broad Andrea's outser, Christopher wants to know what exactly happened. Melissa, the sole witness, retells her story and Christopher really feels horrible while Buffi thinks she checked out. Before they get into a deep argument about it, Kooan interrupts to make a commercial interrupted announcement. Well, after three days of thinking, he wants to bounce out too. The group thinks he's joking because, duh. Buffi knows how upset he's been lately but is shocked that he wants to leave. Christopher is in disbelief and Buffi says that everyone is "dropping like flies". Christopher tries to convince him to stay and Elena seriously believed he was joking but he's made up his mind about it. Mean Girl Gunnar smirks that he's sad about this (bullshit) and now Nathan's crying because character development has to come from him SOMETIME so why not now he wants to leave to but he's here to compete. He's like a giants when he gives Kooan a hug, advising him to do what he thinks is best as Buffi tells Kooan he's amazing. Uncle Tim comes in to make everyone feel sadder by having them gather around in a circle because, oh, what the hell. It turns out Andrea is fine, she sent them an email saying she didn't want to be there anymore. Kooan drops the bomb about checking out but, while I'm watching, I think I saw Nathan working on a dress form in the mirror... either that or he was shoving something off of it. Kooan's only leaving because he wants to do things on his own terms (which is making rainbow puke clothing) but everyone else is staying. He hugs everyone goodbye and then everyone hugs everyone else because hugs makes things a bit more bearable. Hell, I wanted a hug. Poor Fabio is crying because things are just getting harder but Sonjia says everyone needs thick skin and Christopher says that they're just going to have to keep moving forward.

After shipping his ass home to create trainwrecks, the gingham shirt-clad Uncle Tim (seriously, no!) returns but is a little hesitant to make any other announcements. Since two people bounced from the competition, the producers felt it was necessary to bring back that asshole Raul. Buffi, with the adios edit, is thrilled but Needlebutt Ven is not a happy camper because he's tired of Raul's complaining. Well, I'm tired of your ego but we've all got to live. Raul is ecstatic he can actually show himself as a designer but I don't care. Alicia hasn't said much this episode (or ANY episode) so she sums up his elimination by the judges seeing that she's a cleaner designer than he is. AH I gotcha. Raul believes he belongs her and his elimination is a mistake and he joins Gunnar on the wrecking ball death list. Luckily, Christopher is there to call him a "lucky ho" which made me giggle.

Mean Girl Gunnar needlessly recaps the challenge, so let's see if Uncle Tim will soothe my rage (duh, of course he does!). He goes to Dmit-zzzzz first, where he's making... basically the same things he's been dishing out since day one, but all in one seam. Fabio thinks the guy's on the radar. Sonjia is make a pretty dress with lots of twists that will eventually have sleeves while Fabio's print is all right with Tim. He's designing for a woman on the day off so Tim advises him to be careful, specifically about the jacket's proportions. Elena worries that he's not showing enough of himself in the design. Needlebutt Ven's beauty of the dress is the cut and that he's using cashmere. Oooooooh. Mean Girl Gunnar is told to be cognizant of not over-designing (which flies over his head of hot air). Sonjia really hates his design, scoring more points for her. Elena is worried that the judges will attack her silhouette again (then do something else?) while Buffi is confident with her design but Tim is not and wonders why design so much when the pink top is good as it is. Gunnar tries to express his opinion, which gave me a great opportunity to get something to drink. Uncle Tim makes his way over to Christopher, and the fun rapport they have together most of the time would make one think they have a thing for each other. Oo la la! Kidding. Anyway, he plans to do something a bit basic but Tim thinks it looks dressy and Sonjia thinks he has more to offer. Tim thinks Christopher is being a bit ambivalent since he was in the bottom last time and Christopher is worried about that. Nevertheless, Tim gives him a pat on the shoulder and moves on. As Nathan makes a burlap sack and Melissa is making comfort wear with lots of layers, let's move on to that graceless loser Raul, which will be a take off of a man's suit. Needlebutt Ven thinks Raul has no point of view but Fabio's bouncing around in the back was enough to distract me from Ven's ego. Raul is concerned over time but no one cares about that excuse anymore. Tim then leaves feeling excited over the outcome of this challenge.

Three hours left finds Buffi fighting a headache while sewing. But that's all we get post Tim because the models arrive. Once again, there's nothing interesting to note beyond Fabio excited that his girl has some ass so she can fill out his dress better. His dress is bordering on Cajan-streetwalker short and Alicia just isn't seeing his point of view. Sonjia, who is possibly one of the only ones who is observant, states that, in order to beat Dmit-zzzzz, she's going to use her dress' versatility. My girlfriend Melissa is panicking because she's making FOUR different pieces (a hoodie-cardigan, a t-shirt, a tank top, and leggings) and none of them are ready for her girl to try on. Well, shit girl, get going! Raul whines some more about time and the models leave to avoid running into Tyra Banks.

Besties Christopher and Buffi discuss her dress, which he thinks is beginning to look like resort-wear. Buffi thinks her dress is shoddy but she's sticking to getting it finished. Poor Melissa is also freaking out about time, mostly because she's got virtually nothing sewn. She's going to have to haul some ass to get it ready tomorrow. Yikes.

Runway day! Buffi talks about how much work she needs to do while she exercises. Multi-tasker! She's feeling a little insecure but hopes the judges will be able to see her aesthetic. In the guy's apartment, Fabio is wearing a turban today. Raul bitches to no end about being eliminated and Christopher wishes Andrea would've left and let the judges know so they wouldn't had eliminated him. I think he said that to try to get him to shut up. Needlebutt Ven whines some more about Raul talking as much as Jill-Cher from Dance Moms, with an expression (? He doesn't have any!) that's similar to this...

Though I'll bet he'd love the dick in the box. That being his horny face.

I bet he's only acting like an asshole with a stick up his butt because there really IS a stick up his butt.

In the workroom, Melissa rushes to finish her work as Christopher spots Buffi still working on the hot pink top. He offers some of his fabric but a too-focused Buffi refuses saying it wouldn't be representing her design. I wish Christopher would calm down and focus on his work but I can tell he doesn't want her to get shit-canned. Buffi vents a bit about him and he overhears and pokes his head in the sewing room but she assures him she's not mad at him, she's just stressed. I mean, that would seem uncharacteristic of her. She says that she now feels stronger about her work and what she wants to say as a designer but I wish someone would say that Mean Girl Gunnar's hair is just hideous.
Tim arrives in purple gingham (AGH!) and Elena is wearing her hoochie-shorts again. Fabio is gushing over his jacket but Elena thinks his dress is too short. It isn't classy and might be considered among the worst of the bunch. Christopher notices Raul's face dropping when he realizes the pants he made for his girl are 4 inches smaller. Eek! Mean Girl Gunnar smirks about it but Nathan shows a pulse and laughs about the mistake. After some hair and makeup, Buffi admits she's unfamiliar with her fabrics (NOW?!) as her model stitches her pink top in the workroom. Raul's solution to the smaller pants is to sew panels onto it (ew) and Sonjia thinks he doesn't have what it takes. Indeed, blue haired woman. Melissa wants to finish so she abandons her idea to drape the top, Buffi is confident with her look, and Raul is so caught up he forgot about accessories so he grabs random crap from the wall and runs to the door.

Today, Heidi's trainwreck is leopard. She welcomes Raul back but addresses the outsers of Andrea and Kooan. Heidi uses the ole reality standby "Many others would die for this opportunity" but we all know this makes for great TV. She congratulates Needlebutt Ven, who looks doped out on some downer. The guest judges today are Hayden Panettiere (the cheerleader from Heroes) and designer Rachael Roy.

Sonjia's twisty dress is very chic and edgy and I think anyone could rock it. Alicia bores me to death because she only made a button down shirt and capris. I mean, really? Melissa made a grim reaper exercise outfit from Target but I would love to own any and all those pieces. And it does look comfortable. Buffi's doesn't look so bad but that's what I said about her candy dress (like an idiot). It also reminds me of something else too.

K-pop realness.

She also admits it's not the best thing she's made. Dun dun DUN. Fabio's hoochie dress is jealous of Heidi's hooker wear but Mean Girl Gunnar's abomination is as ugly as his personality. Nathan's is boring as per usual and Dmit-zzzzz's is good but it looks like everything else he's done. Needlebutt Ven's dress isn't too shabby but, again, is a bit reminiscent of his candy dress. Can't these people think outside of the box? Raul's thing is very loud and obnoxious and he's appropriately mortified by the styling. Elena's jacket is not good and too big compared to the too tight clothes in its shadow. Christopher scores again with his chic black dress and a leather jacket that I would murder someone to own.

Mean Girl Gunnar (SHIT), Needlebutt Ven, Awkward Nathan, Alicia, Melissa and Elena are safe. Gunnar says he's "shocked" at the top and bottom, but I'm betting that he's bitter that he's middling again. Melissa jokes that she doesn't want to lose ANOTHER roommate. And now for the judging.

THE GOOD:
Sonjia: Heidi loves the dress she made, especially how she manipulated the fabric. Kors liked that it wasn't just another little black (or grey) dress and it could go with anything. Nina likes how it's conservative yet sexy and Hayden loves the dress as well, providing no useful insight to the challenge. Rachel loves the subtle details and that Sonjia really thought about the design.

Christopher: His woman has a husband and a four year old and she has to get from work to dinner with the husband for a date night because that doesn't happen as much anymore. Heidi loves the ensemble and cannot believe he whipped that up with a $150 budget. Hayden wants to tackle the girl onstage for the jacket and starts fanning herself. Rachel thinks he nailed the day to night aspect with the styling. Nina likes that it looks comfy, polished, and glamorous. Kors says he nailed it.

Dmit-zzzzz: He's obviously not winning this but in the top. Kors says that it's the best MADE garment up there but it would look so much better in a brighter color. Heidi thinks it's a great dress but she's not even itching to want it. Hayden wished he went a step further, especially with the shoulders (she's very shoulder focused because she has some pretty broad shoulders). Nina calls it a simple design without "the bells and the whistles" but it's still pretty perfect. Rachael says that he has some great sewing skills but it's just "safe", but a beautiful and exquisite safe.

THE BAD:
Fabio: His girl on the day off looks like the girl on the corner. Kors is taken aback by the piece, since it doesn't show any of Fabio's aesthetic. He says Fabio is dressed more like himself than the design. Fabio is dressed like a Turkish priest. Rachael wishes that what he was wearing could've been incorporated more into the outfit. Heidi thinks the blazer should've been longer and Nina can see the comfort but not the glamor. In short, when the judges more on YOUR outfit than the model's, you're in trouble.

Buffi: She loves the print and the color, which represents her as a designer. Hayden of the Shoulders Clan wishes she did something inventive with the shoulders but she does love the color. Heidi thinks it looks inexpensive. Rachael goes on a tangent about the importance of belts and Kors says it looks like a hairdresser's smock. It's a little out there and, when shown the hem of the dressed, it's pretty nutty. Buffi tries to save herself by saying she didn't mean to cover that up but Nina calls that even MORE tragic. Buffi looks like she's accepting her fate.

Raul: Yikes. Chipper Hayden now looks very depressed. Kors hated it, especially the Vampyra pants, and the hideous jacket was on death watch. Oye that's one fugly t-shirt. Hayden points out the whack job crotch and says she would never wear such a thing. Pants-lover Nina hates the pants and the jacket is too long. Rachael says he over-accessorized and he was too ambitious.

Deliberations fly by, with the only thing to note that it's only a race between Christopher and Sonjia this time and maybe bringing Raul back was a bad idea.

Winner: Sonjia! As an added bonus, Hayden is going to wear her dress at a red carpet event in the future.

Bottom 2: Fabio and Buffi (how did Raul escape THAT one?)

Eliminated: Buffi :(

I'm bummed as Buffi enters the lounge weeping. She learned to be herself and that this was an emotional experience. She announces that it may have been tacky but it's what made her unique. Aww... then she makes everyone laugh by hiding behind the couch. Tim enters wondering if she bailed already (of course not), and he calls her the hostess of Season 10. Lol! He's also very proud of her for showing HER work. You go, Buffi.

Next time: Nina announces the challenge, which is to make womenswear in two teams. Crap. The same old crap happens: Raul hates the challenge, Mean Girl Gunnar whines that he doesn't want to work with these people, Elena goes batshit insane, and Heidi hates a few things.

Dance Moms: Breaking Down

Previously on Dance Moms: Maddie "won" the role on Drop Dead Diva (which, coincidentally, Abby is guest starring.) Jill-Cher came crawling back, pretending nothing had happened in several weeks, and dragged Kendall along too. Abby attacked Nia's hair and Holly scored lots of points for standing up to Abby regarding appearances WITHOUT CURSING. And, at the competition, Maddie won with her constipated acting, Jill-Cher screamed some more about bows, and the group won first. Oh, and Paige smashes her foot in the ground.

The team files in for the pyramid but Kelly and Paige are nowhere in sight, to Abby's confusion. Brooke informs her that they're at the doctor's checking out Paige's foot and Abby's all "REALLY? THEY HAD TO DO IT TODAY?!" Way to be concerned, Jabba. Christi and Melissa (yeah, Melissa) inform Jabba the Lee that it may be more than a broken toe. Abby bypasses that and tells the girls that they really should listen to her from now on AND DON'T DO FREAKIN' TUCKS ON CEMENT. Christi bemoans that Abby is always finding things to blame beyond herself being close to Pheces O'Ptosis in regards to human likability, which is close to zero. In the room, she also asks about Jill-Cher, another one close to Pheces and Jabba's likability standing. Abby says that Kendall's not an official member of the team so she's not needed here. She moves on about the great competition from last time. All the solos placed in the top 10 and the group won. This week is another Starbound competition in Philidelphia, PA, which is basically walking distance from the studio. Abby then brags about how this is important for them since they're basically plastered all over their brochures and magazines. In her mind, at least.

Absentee Paige is the first on the bottom for placing 6th and busting her foot. Mackenzie is next because, even though she didn't really do anything at the last competition, she's still there to learn. Chloe is next because there isn't much to be judged on beyond the group. Brooke is in the middle for her maturity and Nia went out and sold her solo, which Holly beams. As always, Maddie is on top as everyone golf claps for her high scoring win.
This week, everyone but Mackenzie will be in the group, a French based number called "Alouette" which, of course, is the song they're using. Macks will be doing a solo, however, as will Maddie (duh) and Brooke. Brooke's solo will be inspired by Anne Frank but Brooke astutely points out that she has no idea how this will associate with dance. Now, Chloe and Paige have been lobbying to do a duet together but Paige might be knocked out and Jabba the Lee decides to pick this moment to tell her that this would've been that week. Oopsy-tootsy! If I were Chloe, I would've strangled Abby for being such a douche.

Now, let's begin the rehearsals, shall we? As Abby teaches a ballet class (yeah, NOW she does ballet classes) in order to prep the girls for the routine, Christi is hoping Paige will show up with either good, or bad, news, considering the two girls have been asking for this duet FOR NINE YEARS. As Abby is hoping that Paige will only be out for a few days to two weeks, proving she's an idiot, the girl of the hour and Kelly arrive. Busted-Foot Paige is in a Darth Vader boot and Kelly breaks the bad news: She broke her foot and she's going to have to be in the boot for 4-6 weeks. Christi knows Chloe is going to be crushed by this and Paige is upset more about the duet than the broken foot and now they're going to have to wait even longer. Aww. Asshat Abby has no idea how this'll work out for Nationals (keep this in mind for later, when she worries about qualifying for Nationals).

Kelly trudges on up to the Mom booth and says, "My baby's broken." Ha! Then she moans about breaking the news to Abby, because I'm sure if Paige told her the news alone, Abby would have broken her spine next. But now Kelly's focus is shifting towards her other daughter: Brooke's hip/back is acting up again. And she's doing yet another acro routine. Kelly senses trouble. Someday, her kids won't be falling apart physically and emotionally. This isn't made any better by the arrival of Jill-Cher and poor Kendall, who "weren't informed" about the Pyramid (take the hint: SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU), as Kendall is shipped off to classes. On their way inside, they run into Paige, who Kendall politely asks about her foot. Then the gears in Jill-Cher's head start a turning. Kendall confessionalizes that she feels bad but then her mom appears behind the camera with cue cards so she can say that she hopes she can fill in for her. After Jill-Cher shoves her kid into class, she swoops in on Paige, pushing her for information about the Pyramid and the duet (uh, how could she know about the duet... oh wait, Melissa). Jill-Cher's evil plan is in effect as she smirks at this news, saying that this is fortunate for her Kendall. Paige then goes upstairs to chill with the moms for a while. She has a notebook with her so I'm guessing she's doing homework or something. She alerts the moms about Jill-Cher being annoying and vindictive and Kelly is shocked that Jill-Cher had the audacity to go to A KID first than the moms, especially since her kid isn't on the team so there's no need for her to know about anything at Pyramid.

The front desk has been getting an annoying amount of time this part of the season, hasn't it? Since when did anyone care about what happens at the front desk? Anyway, Jill-Cher decides to bring in her head of hot air to bring up Paige's busted foot. Abby's all, "NO, SHE BROKE HER TOE INTO HER FOOT."... then, it's a broken foot, right? The moms are shocked Jill-Cher is sniffing out this opportunity like this and Christi is rooting for Abby for a change. And, just like that, the earth shifted a little. Abby then brings up Jill-Cher's desertion from the team for the trillionth time and how she didn't let Abby do her job. She confessionalizes that Jill-Cher probably didn't learned anything the first time around! As the moms eavesdrop, Jill-Cher then rats out that none of the other girls have been attending class. Maybe that's because THEY'RE FILMING? And REHEARSING? And since Abby, the OWNER, is overlooking them, they can? Jill-Cher says Kendall deserves to be on the team but Abby's all, "She deserves NOTHING." Harsh. Kelly storms down to tell Jill-Cher that Paige isn't off the team, she's just sidelined by an injury but logic flies over Jill-Cher's head. And then she confronts her about going to an innocent kid first before going to the moms. And then they get into a screaming match while Abby watches. Same old, same old.

It's a different day and there's another desk moment. Melissa breaks the news that Maddie is flying out to film for Drop Dead Diva and Abby tries to make it seem that she's going to miss a lot of rehearsal time for this. Of course, she's in the same episode so I'm going to believe that this is just another ruse. She hopes Maddie doesn't come back as a Hollywood diva... so why did you have her bring in her crowns and tell her to rub things in the others' faces again? Focus shifts over to Brooke, rehearsing her Anne Frank solo, which Abby says is about the Holocaust and it's going to be deep or something. Does she want this episode to be banned too? But this isn't nearly as shocking as Kelly admitting that she has no idea who Anne Frank was. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME? Did she flunk history in school? Holly is about as shocked as I am, of course with no profanity. Kelly does know that whoever Anne Frank was, she certainly wasn't doing cartwheels and acrobatics.

Not an acrobat.

What's really ironic is that I finished a run of The Producers and, throughout the whole time, there was an increase of Nazi documentaries on T.V. Weird. Anyway, Kelly took her to a chiropractor who said she should lay off the acro. Abby can tell Brooke is in a lot of pain, bitches about it, and gives her a break to rest.

Next, Macks, in some pretty cute dance attire, rehearses her solo titled, "You Know You Love It". Abby comments that she's improving as a dancer, performer, and, I think, an acrobat. I'm pretty sure Maddie wasn't given acro heavy solos at her age so if Abby whines about that again, I'm going to choke someone. Nevermind, Jill-Cher just came in. Christi knows that she'll stop at nothing in order to get her way... eh, for Kendall. Abby says she's going to have auditions to fill in for Paige in the duet, which is weird since Kendall is also trying out and she's not even on the team, as Holly points out. A now braid-free Nia auditions with Chloe first. While I like the two of them, Nia isn't up to snuff and Abby points out she's a bit off. She can't use Maddie because she has a solo already and Brooke is in too much pain to dance. In the Mom Booth, Christi wants to know if Abby called Jill-Cher to come in. She replies she didn't, but only to bring "the kid" to class. Then Jill-Cher gets defensive and uses poor Kendall as a shield and calls the moms "selfish". Uh, not as much as you? I'm not sure who said it but someone wants them to be happy but not at the expense at their own kids. Holly says that her daughter has been there from day in to day out but some of Abby's practices are unfair. At some point, the moms go down to confront Abby, where Holly, beret in hand, brings up that Kendall was dragged out for a few weeks but Nia's been there since day one. Why the injustice? But winning-focused Abby goes apeshit as Holly counters by telling her to not act belligerent. Well, that's what Abby's gonna do but Holly says she's just acting like a fool. GO HOLLY!

Abby laments that this week has been tough (man, even I need a drink). Paige has a busted foot, Brooding Brooke has back pain, and Maddie's away in Atlanta filming (not like she would be worried since SHE'S IN THE SAME EPISODE). So, as a precaution, Kendall's being put in the group number, which might get Jill-Cher off Abby's back. Well, no, but it's worth a shot... of tequila. The group's looking sloppy but, in the mom booth, Jill-Cher's not-so-subtle scheming is shown when she thinks that Brooke should take a break in order to rest her back. Christi eerily points out that anywhere Jill-Cher has been, someone's been injured. First Taylor at the Crapple's with her ankle, now Paige with her foot. Maybe Jill-Cher is secretly Tonya Harding's cousin. She again reminds us that nothing's gonna stop Jill-Cher from getting Kendall on the team.

Jill-Cher then believes there's another opening since Maddie isn't there and asks for her whereabout. The moms tell her about Drop Dead Diva but we don't care about that. So, let's just head over to Atlanta where Maddie Blanche DuBois is filming. Melissa states, "Maddie and I are getting ready for filming." Uh, they're only filming the kid, fame whore. Maddie's excited but she's no actor, really. Then again, she's nine so poo-poo on me with my opinion. Then Melissa coughs out some bullshit by saying she feels bad she's there and the moms aren't. I'll bet.

Back in PA, Abby has decided to put Kendall in the duet. Kendall reads off the teleprompter that she's glad because this could be her redemption moment. Just off your mom and you're free, honey. Abby, on the other hand, doesn't want to deal with Jill-Cher and wishes she would shut up and let Ken dance. Jill-Cher, naturally, doesn't care if the moms are getting annoyed and that this is Kendall's road for success. Yes, by shoving her around everywhere on national television. In the meanwhile, Maddie has returned from the South and tells Abby she shot two scenes and a solo onstage. Not that she would know anyway. Melissa the Snatch even says they gave her a standing O. Look, she's not Anne Hathaway, she's just a 9-year-old dancer. OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO CLAP. Maddie says she had fun but now it's time to work: she's got to get ready for this competition. Whatever. Yes, Abby, of course she was rehearsing while filming. She needs something to do between takes. Also, close your damn mouth whenever she dances. Maddie's worried about missing a day of rehearsal, Abby can tell she's not all there, and I'm rolling my eyes.

To the Philly cheese-steak! While it may not be far from the studio, Abby knows there's going to be some tough competition from New York and New Jersey and whatnot. She inquires about Brooke, who looks like she can barely move. She's gonna try to find the tenacity to do the group number which has them looking like slutty mimes. Then Abby recaps all her woes and how the group can come crashing down at any minute. Well, we'll see about that.
One of the Starbound judges is (assumingly edited) bopping to the cutesy music. Jill-Cher sucks up about Kendall, but Christi truly was impressed by this routine. I thought it was pretty cute. Kelly is glad Brooke managed to dance but, of course, Abby isn't impressed, saying their ballet isn't up to par (it could be that you emphasize more on acro tricks than ballet technique. We figured that out back at the Joffrey audition). She enters the room and says the piece was "comme ci, comme ca." Hey, she does know some French! She says they're really gonna have to win first if they want to go to Nationals, which I'm pretty sure is more bullshit but they haven't said anything about regional competitions since season 1. Well, she doesn't have to worry about that because THEY WIN! Everyone is pleased but why is Mackenzie bowing with them? She wasn't in the number! Christi is proud they won by their own merit and not by glitz and glamour through costumes and themes. Abby can't believe they won (way to have confidence) but, hey, they'll take it! She wants to end the day with a clean sweep. Well, it's nice to have a dream.

Back in the dressing room, poor Brooke's back has gotten worse. Abby believes it's because she doesn't want to dance and lose. Uh, no, I think it's because she can't move due to the pain inflicted by a psycho dance teacher! She tries to convince her by putting her pain into the piece. Brooke tries to do some stretches to ease the pain but it's not working (plus, her costume... wtf? It doesn't look like ANYTHING related to Anne Frank, WWII... just another dainty acro dress). Kelly is getting concerned, because she's well aware that backs are not to be messed with (ain't that the truth, sister.).

Macks goes to dance in an adorable heart inspired costume. She says to be nervous but she's still doing the same old crap she's been doing in every single number she's ever done. But she's adorable so I'll give her a pass. Abby says she was on fire, Melissa says she hit every move, Macks is happy and thought she danced well, and I'm bored to tears.

It's time to check on Brooke and Kelly's not shitting around anymore so she pulls out the heavy artillery. I have no idea what she's using (it looks like electrodes) but I could definitely use whatever she's using the next time my back goes all knotty and kerplooey. In fact, I'm adding it to my wish list now. Kelly says she knew what she had to do as a mom. She breaks the news to Abby that Brooke probably cannot dance and starts crying because she doesn't think Brooke can do it, even when pushed. I think she's crying because she has one kid with a busted foot but now the other one is in critical pain. Jill-Cher, ever the team player, says that she wishes the solo was pulled earlier so Kendall could get a solo. Not happening anytime soon cunty. Abby chooses this moment to scream about Brooke's bad posture, which led to this pain (NOT the countless hours of neck-crawling?) and how lazy will get her nowhere. Brooke looks at her either in a face of pain or a young bitchface (probably the former). However, Kelly's sticking to her guns and not allowing her to dance for health reasons. Melissa says Kelly is doing the right thing and, for once, I don't want to deck Melissa. And so Abby goes out to pull the number.

Maddie performs her solo after worrying about missing a day of rehearsal but I despise her oddly-cut nightie costume. The editors have Melissa say the exact same things she said about Macks dance and Abby says that Maddie is a true professional. But now it's time for the duet, "Chasing Answers", to go, which is important for Kendall since she's crawling back to Abby. Though I have no idea what they're supposed to be (apparently, a daisy and a tulip), Chloe, as always, is sharp, strong, and great but Kendall looks terrified. Christi thinks the number was fantastic, Jill-Cher thinks Kendall deserves to be on the team, and Abby thought it lacked intensity.

Solo awards! Melissa is right to be nervous about not getting a clean sweep as Macks wins second, which, in Abby's world, is first loser. Maddie wins for junior (duh) and the duet wins as well! Jill-Cher is thrilled (sort of) but I'm more distracted by Chloe and Kendall giving each other the congratulatory hug. It warmed my heart (a teense).

Back in the dressing room, Abby gives Maddie a hug, giving Christi a case of bitchface. Abby then makes Maddie perform the solo she did for Drop Dead Diva, which is ludicrous and ridiculous. Christi can't believe Abby is doing this and pretty much having Maddie subconsciously rub it in their faces. Kelly thinks everyone should get the opportunity but, for no reason, Melissa drags Maddie out of the room. Then Christi begins to ramp up with rage, calling Abby a vulture and calling her out for giving their kids false hope while still favoring Maddie. Then Abby goes VERY low and calls Chloe a sneak. SINCE WHEN?! Chloe is humiliated and terrified and runs out of the room in tears with the other girls trying to calm her down (hey, the first time the KIDS leave the room alone). It quickly degenerates into a screaming match about talent, Brooke, and Christi calling Abby a whore. But the BEST quote is one Kelly told Christi, which goes a little something like this...
"Maybe you're still a virgin because you can't find someone to fuck!"
WHOA. I'm kind of impressed.

Next time: Melissa goes into bipolar mode,screaming at the moms for accusing her of having an affair with her boss (don't think she means Abby). The Crapples return with the two guest guys, as they do some naughty schoolgirl number, Abby allegedly curses in front of Maddie, and Melissa screams at Cathy. Obscenities fly.