Dance Moms: Attack of the Solos, Season 2! aka A Big Plug for Alisa Shamrow

Previously on DANCE MOMS: Busted foot Paige lost the boot but still had a sore foot, St. Louis Mom Kaya and daughter Nicaya "Nini" joined the team for the episode, the team competed at iHollywood (where, in season 1, began the whole "ALDC vs. Candy Apple's" storyline), Kaya holds her own against the moms but with ghetto divatude, the team performs the follow-up to WHATC with "I can see the Kite Flying (aka "American McGee's Alice Knockoff", or "ICStKF") and wins first, Nia wows with her solo but gets 10th, Chloe gets fifth, Macks gets third, and the group wins! And, of course, fighitng occurs.

Oddly enough, there's no mention of the St. Louis people in the "Previously on DM" bumper, which I thought was weird, since last time they did something like that, it was because of the Showgirls/Prostitot episode that got banned. Anyway, the team is still in California because of the Nationals that are coming up. They're at the Millennium Dance Studio, where Chloe tells us is the same space Britney Spears and Not-so-Teeny Aguileeny rehearse. Abby says they weren't focused at iHollywood. She also addresses Kaya and Nini, who are no longer with the team. She praises the girls for being civil with Nini (seriously, what the hell were they GONNA do? Become mean girls? Not this crowd) but admonishes the moms for running off ANOTHER crazy mom. Personally, I think Abby only brought Nini in in order to bump up the group to a different category so they could win. Hey, it's been shown to happen many, MANY times on this show (re: "Land Unforgiven" with the pre-Med graduate ringers, every piece Crazy Cathy has entered). At least Macks wasn't there to just run onstage and push a girl on a swing. Also, "Bitch" is an censored obscenity again? But I digress...

Pyramid begins with Kendall's triumphant return to the bottom, probation free. She's glad to have made it back onto the pyramid but feels that she doesn't deserve to be on the bottom since she worked hard last week. Something about that makes me think she's not reading her mother's cue cards anymore. Paige follows because she worked hard coming out of an injury and Abby expects her to go full out 100% from now on. Keep this in mind for later. Brooke follows her because she finished earlier than the rest of the group. Oopsy-tootsy. And MADDIE is on the bottom because she blended into the group when she really should have stood out. Melissa, strangely, seems very at ease with this in the confessional. In the middle, Nia is there for doing an outstanding job with the difficult music and choreo but, as always, she needs to work on her technique. Chloe follows for breaking in the top 5 but she needs to be consistant. Whatever. She says that she feels the pressure to do better. This leaves precious Mackenzie on top for placing third. Melissa comments that this doesn't happen often for Mackenzie so she's "tickled" by this.

This week, the team will be competing at the In10sity competition in California. Abby says, for the first of way too many times in this episode, that this will determine who gets to perform what at the Nationals the following week. For dance assignments, Macks will get a solo titled "A Perfect Day for Fun". Chloe gets a solo titled "Ghost". Who else gets solos? Paige and Kendall, the latter's called "Kiss, Kiss". Nia gets a solo inspired by the 60's and Brooke gets an acro (duh-huh) solo titled "Fly". So that's about everyone---- WAIT!!! Melissa gestures to Maddie to raise her hand. Because she appears to be ahead of the producers but Abby catches her out of the corner of her eye and wishes she would butt out. Anyway, Maddie wonders if she's getting a solo. Abby would love to but she can't unless Maddie can prove that she WANTS it and she'll have to beg for it. Melissa tries to say that Maddie really wants one but Abby points out that last time, Melissa screwed her kid over. Poor Maddie Blanche DuBois is devastated. Again, Abby bellows that there's going to be an audition where she won't get cast so she's gonna have to suck it up. Also remember that Maddie's about 10 so this seems to be very brutal to say. Christi feels bad for Maddie because the pressure's building and it's becoming evident that Maddie's no longer Abby's favorite.

So, to recap, the Nationals are next week and all the girls, save for Maddie Blanche DuBois, have solos. The last time this happened, Maddie got TWO solos, Paige forgot hers, and Vivi was on the team. Speaking of, FREE VIVI! In the Mom area, because the Millennium doesn't have an observation booth, Melissa comments, with a smile (?), that Maddie tried her hardest to fight back the tears. Kelly randomly butts in to say that her kids NEVER get solos. Well, that's kind of because you also screw them over by barging in their rehearsals, having meltdowns, pulling their numbers, and whatnot. She sheds some light on the team's past in her confessional. You see, back in the day, Brooke was the "Maddie" of the group, but that all changed as she grew older. Abby's like a leech: She works the kid out, sucks them dry of their ambition, and moves on to fresh meat.

That fresh meat most likely being Macks, who is rehearsing her solo. She hopes she remembers it but I notice in the background that Paige has her boot back on. Uh ohs... Then, as the moms sit around, Melissa decides that she no longer needs to be there since there's only 20 minutes left in the class so she's taking her kids. Uh, huh? Christi is no fool and can immediately tell that Melissa has something planned for her girls.

It must be a "Chris(ti)" thing.

The moms dish that she's obviously got some meetings set up for her kids and that it's so weird for her to not share any of this with them. I'm like, who cares! These women are no better than the Pick-a-Little ladies. Elsewhere, the Zieglers enter an MSA building to have a meeting with ultra-perky agent Jen! Again, complete with exclamation point. Jen! believes that the girls are perfect for commercials and Melissa thinks they both shined at the meeting. Then we leave Jen! behind, which saddens me because she was the most realistic person I've seen so far on this program.

I assume it's a different day because everyone is wearing different outfits as Paige rehearses her solo, "City of Angels". Oh! Does this mean she gets to perform to this song?! Nope, she gets to perform on a chaise couch to some techno song. In other news, the earth revolves around the sun. Paige knows good and goddamn well that Abby's watering down the choreography because of her foot. Abby says she knows her foot isn't 100% healed... so why force her to dance?! Paige is done for the day and, when outside, breaks down because her foot is in serious pain. Kelly hasn't complained in a while so she says that it's unfair that Paige only gets an hour long practice. At this point, it's whatever.

It's a newer day (?), or at least it seems to be since Abby walks in on the mom area where they're waiting outside. Abby has 2 days and 6 solos to work on. Today, we start with Chloe rehearsing "Ghost". Abby describes the music as pretty which gets bigger and bigger as the song progresses. So this is a good number for her. Oh, and hi Gia! Abby thinks she's got this. Outside, Kelly tells the moms that she's hired a music producer to professionally record Brooke's song and she wants the team to provide backing vocals. So, naturally, the girls are all excited. Back to solos! Nia rehearses and Abby says that she's got entertainment value so that's what she does best. It's good to see her steer away from ethnic only pieces. Back outside, since it's called Dance MOMS, Melissa brags about the MSA meeting and immediately I pine for Jen! to make an appearance again. The moms are stunned silent, mostly because of how much of a prick Melissa is. Christi says that it's frustrating how Kelly does one thing for her kid but Melissa immediately has to one-up her. In real time, Christi calls her out on doing things in secret and how that's not really necessary (especially since it's all captured on cameras anyway). But, seriously, wtf is Melissa GOING to do? Launch a sniper attack on the moms? Kelly believes that Melissa's antics might make Maddie feel shunned by the others because, well, look who raised her.

Abby, meanwhile, has NO IDEA why Melissa left the rehearsal yesterday. So she instills fear into Maddie and Macks and asks where did they go the other day. Maddie says MSA and Macks tells her they met a girl named Jen! who, allegedly, Abby knows. Just like all the roads in the US. Anyway, she tells Maddie not to bring up MSA EVER and to not worry over what the others think since they don't care. After all, Jabba the Lee has the perfect mother gene. Which is none. Abby says Melissa does want the best for her kids but their dancing and education must come first and not agencies.

Net up for the solo rehearsals is Brooke, who I thought was performing to yet another Anna Ayers song, but it turned out to be yet another Alisa Shamrow song. Abby needs to expand her music choices, even if it means copyright infringement. She does well but Abby's big issue with Brooke is her completely non-expressive face. While we're on Brooke, let's peek in at the recording of her ditty, "Summer Love Song". That producer Kelly's hired? Turns out it's the same guy from last season who directed/produced/did something with the girls and a music video with some obscure pop star, Seven. Kelly obviously says that there's not a lot of opportunities out in Pittsburgh (ain't that the truth, especially when you're on a national television show). Brooke found the experience awesome but, naturally, the final product is autotuned out of the wazoo. Nevertheless, Kelly has no idea what's going to come out of this but hopes it was a positive experience.

Moving on to Kendall Maureen Cummings, Abby says that the solo isn't really "deep" but it has to entertain the audience. Kendall just got back on the team so she BETTER NOT DISAPPOINT. Kendall reads that she really wants a solo at Nationals. As Abby tells her that she's not paying attention to what the song says, she confessionalizes that she wonders how long it's going to take her to whizz past the others on the pyramid. Forever, probably.
Lurking in the corner is Maddie Blanche DuBois, who asks for a solo because it makes her happy. Abby brings up Sologate for the trillionth time and we find out the censored word from THAT episode turned out to be "crapping". Lifetime really needs to replace their editors, like ASAP. Abby then asks for a reason why she should perform and Maddie says it's because she's the only one without a solo. Abby doesn't buy it and says that Maddie should want it from deep in her heart. For a moment there, I thought she was going to have the kid write a 5 page thesis on why she should do a solo. Abby says this is to teach her a lesson. I'm sure it is, Jabba.

So the nonsense moment comes in the form of Abby making a music video for Brooke's little song. She says that she has a vision for the video, which consists of the girls dancing on a tour bus and in various locations. How original! Maybe for her next video, she should do the one shot slow walk. Their high tech material consists of a hand held video camera. Oh please, on "All the Right Moves", at least their dances look professional. Brooke is excited for the video but says that Abby is sucking the fun out of it. LMAO!!! Kelly says she loves that Abby's taking part but WHY is she being the control freak even here? She does admit some of her ideas are cute. Especially the one where Maddie darts into the middle of the street and begins doing some strange lyrical arm movements, which is EXACTLY what I do when I improvise. As for the running into the street, I really hope this isn't one of Abby's ways to get rid of the old favorite. Maddie says that it was one of the best days she's ever had.

Back at the studio, Abby claims that they only have 45 minutes to use the space today because they spent the time filming the music video. I'm sure of it. Maddie asks Abby to do a solo by using a scripted excuse. Abby ends up giving it to her because, well, DUH. But she says that it's because Maddie's learned her lesson. Maddie says that she deserved it (I'm really starting to loathe the term "deserve") but Abby sees that she's gotten rusty. However, outside, Holly proves why she's earned those degrees by saying that of course Abby was going to give her a solo. There's a reason why she's called DR. Holly. Melissa gives her standard bitchface while Maddie interviews that she's ready to prove to Abby why she deserved the solo. Whatevs.

At In10sity, the team is apparently given a blackbox theatre to get ready. Abby repeats the whole nationals business but I was more preoccupied with the Sunday shirt she was wearing. And she, again, says it might be the end of the road for some of them. Whatever, I don't think Lifetime would even LET her let go of any of those kids. I'm assuming they're going in age order because Macks and Kendall, the youngest girls of the the bunch, are up first. Macks interviews that the only thing that matters in the world at that moment is her solo... and then she just stares at the camera with an expression that reads, "Didja get the shot?" Of course she's cute, of course the costume is adorable, of course all she does is acrobatics, of course she... freezes! EEK! Of course Lifetime edits it to make it seem far worse than it appears. Luckily, she makes something up and presses on smoothly. Abby, naturally, is somewhat mortified but, from Mackenzie's view, she forgot the dance for a split-second so poo poo on you, Miss Abby Lee. She IS worried that Abby is going to be mad at her. Speaking of, Abby said that she could've done better.
Kendall is up next for her "Kiss, Kiss" jazz number. I think Abby should stop with the literal costumes because the bra top Kendall's wearing that's supposed to look like lips? It looks like she has oddly shaped, erm, hooters. I'm not a fan of the dance. Jill-Cher says she hates to put this much pressure on her kid but she definitely wants her to go to Nationals. Oh, really? So, why did you shove her into this godforsaken mess? Kendall says that she thought she did pretty great and she really wanted to show Abby just what she could do.

In the dressing room, Kendall gets a hug from her mom but Macks looks very defeated. Melissa tries to convince her that she did perfect but even Macks can see through the bullshit. So does Abby, who bellows that she's hearing "Perfect" and all that nonsense when it's really not. She says Kendall did nice but Macks could've been way better. The girls need to come off knowing it's the best they've ever danced and, if they're trying to impress her, it ain't working. You'd need a three course meal of desserts for that to happen.

Maddie and Nia are up next, with Nia going first for "I Like the 60's". Thankfully, she's not in a ridiculous afro but a period correct wig. Nia's definitely gotten better but the dance's choreography is really lame. She's a great little actress though. Abby enjoyed her face because that's her best feature.
Maddie says she has to prove to Abby she made the right choice by having her dance a solo she was going to perform anyway. Her solo, as we discover, is called "Piece of my Heart". Oooh! Does this mean she's going to portray Janis?! On second thought, thinking back to Travis Wall's not-so-pleasant dance he choreographed on SYTYCD, that's an unwise choice of song. No, it's another piano ballad with Maddie looking constipated 94% of the time. Melissa cries, but that's nothing new, along with the sucking up to Abby after the routine is finished. I'm gonna ignore the "perfection" remarks.

The next two gals are Chloe and Paige. Kelly's concerned about Paige because of the same old crap she's been spewing about her foot and not getting enough practice. The foot is understandable but the "not enough rehearsal time" excuse isn't working anymore. Abby's glad to see her back onstage though. Meanwhile, Christi's coaching Chloe, and she says she feels good about the solo, so the better she is, the better chance at performing at Nationals. Chloe, for a change, says that she's rehearsed a lot so she's feeling pretty confident today. Now, I love Chloe and everything but this dance was doing her no favors. Christi finds it frustrating that Abby's placing all this pressure on the girls for this ONE performance (lies) and not the other googol of numbers. Chloe is proud but she knows she could've done better. And so whatever happens, happens. Go Chloe.
Paige is very worried because her foot is in pain. However, as she dances, I can tell that the choreography looks really labored but not because she's in pain. When she's done, she manages to keep her composure onstage but immediately collapses on Chloe backstage. Abby contradicts herself by saying she knows Paige isn't 100% healed yet. Paige is sobbing in Kelly's arms, who tries to calm her daughter down. Paige then says something that sounds like she forgot the whole number (AGAIN?) but Kelly is livid because this is unfair. Paige is worried that she won't be able to dance at Nationals. Hmm.

Abby wants Brooke to stretch as she's the last one to go. Abby thinks it could either way with her: She'll either be great or she'll suck miserably. Brooke is confident but a bit scared she might forget like Mackenzie. However, before she begins, I notice something very odd in the audience: The girls are wearing different costumes. SO THERE WAS A GROUP DANCE THERE AFTER ALL!!! Probably it was that airline group Lifetime posted on their website. Anyway, she doesn't do half bad. Brooke is glad she managed to hit all her tricks and that she didn't forget the piece after all. In the dressing room, Kelly asks her what was the best thing that happened during the week. Brooke's answer: The music video. Duh-huh.

Awards time. Macks gets first and is very excited for the win! This negates Abby's bitchiness. Onto the juniors, Chloe lands in 6th, and says she could've done better so she'll try harder next time. Kendall places 5th so Jill-Cher wets her pants over this because Kendall managed to beat one of Abby's "top students". Lady, give it a rest. It's a dance competition, not a war. Plus, it's only this ONE time. Also, do I need to say Maddie wins? Melissa is proud because she learned the dance in one day. I'll bet she did. Poor Nia and Paige don't place. Nia is disappointed because she knows she could do better than this. Christi worries because she knows 6th might not guarantee a spot at Nationals. As for Brooke, she places 4th and hopes Abby would still be proud of her. Kelly's in a predicament because Paige didn't place but Brooke did. Even then, they don't have much of a chance.

Abby's douche moment arrives just in the nick of time when she says that, all things considered, thought they did well but she wants that clean sweep. Then she rubs salt in the wounds and congratulates Melissa for her kids' wins. Christi's all "WTF?" Abby says she has no idea what's going to happen at the Nationals and ominously says that she may or may not use the whole group. We shall see about that...

Next time on the SEASON FINALE: IT ALL ENDS thank god. Cathy makes threats on beating the ALDC, Kelly vs. Abby once again, Cathy may have dementia, the Crapples chant outside of an ALDC storage closet, and Abby states that there will be hell to pay.

Dance Moms: Lifetime needs Cathy's meds

Previously on Dance Moms: Paige has gone from "Fall Gal" to "Busted Foot", so Jill-Cher swoops in for a spot for Kendall. Kelly proved that she may not be the smartest woman ever but the most rational by not allowing Brooke to dance due to a back injury. The team wins the majority of the awards, except Macks who got second. And Christi went apeshit on Abby for favoritism yet again.

First, I didn't notice that Jill-Cher was the mom who ushered the kids out last week. Second, where the hell did the chiropractor footage come from? Seriously, no one watches those "extra" (read: Deleted) clips on Lifetime.

It's a brand new episode and Kendall is back in the lineup. Abby gushes over the "clean sweep" at the competition last week and that the judges definitely know who this team this. Uh, didn't she say last week that they're on the pamphlets and magazines? So, I'm pretty sure they know who they are already. Your shit don't stink. Speaking of Kendall, she's still a guest on the team, and she's going to be until both Jill-Cher and little Maureen Cummings WANT to be on this team for LIFE (which, according to Jabba the Lee, ends at 18).

Pyramid time starts with Brooke for copping out of her solo because of her intense pain. Abby's faux concern is tarnished by her screaming at Brooke for not wanting to dance through the pain. So she's on the bottom for not speaking up. Of course, we know that even if she did, Abby would care more about her dance than her student's welfare. For some really weird reason, Paige is next, and since she can't dance for the next month or so (or, according to Abby, "next week") so she's just gonna stick around and write down terminology in her notebook. Kelly notes that it's kind of strange that Paige is marginally higher on the pyramid and she can't even dance for while. WEIRD. Mackenzie, who somehow turned 8, rounds out the bottom because, allegedly, she had a meltdown backstage last time with footage of Abby scolding her. Maddie is in the middle, and she looks confused to be there, because she needs higher goals to attain and not just wins. Coming from the woman who says winning is everything, you should rub it in others' faces, and other nonsense. Chloe is next because she did okay in the group, outstanding in the group, but she needs to be more intense. This means that NIA is on the top. She's like the breath of fresh air for the group. She's up there for pretty much the same reasons she was up there last time, which is that she works hard. Holly says that they're both aware that the top isn't an expectation but getting there is a good thing. However, along with being on top, Nia gets to be the "dance captain" this week (translation: Not only did Abby not want to choreograph a solo for her, but she needs something to yell at her this week.) which, according to Nia, is the watered down version of Jabba the Lee: She gets to apply corrections but puts it on them lightly, among other duties.

The competition this week is a Starbound competition in Myrtle Beach. Aside from the standard group, Kendall and Macks will be doing a duet, Chloe will have a solo but Maddie won't (DRAMA!). The group dance is called "Taken", the basis is that there's a different girl in a different color within a group of bland girls dressed and who dance the same. The bland girls want to be the different girl but know it's not a possibility, so they force the different girl to be a part of their group. Basically, it's a thinly veiled dance about Abby's mindset regarding Maddie. Christi is worried because Abby always wants a clean sweep, and without the saving grace of Maddie, Chloe's just going to get even more pressured put on her this week. Same old, same old. Jill-Cher says that Kendall belongs on the team and that Abby "invited" them to the pyramid this week. I'll bet. Abby tells Kendall she's a very lucky girl but admonishes her for going to the Crapple's because her technique has worsened and, like many other times this episode, reminds her that she's a GUEST on the team.

The group theme might be just a smidge tough for the girls to get this week so, obviously, Maddie gets to be the oddball girl. Abby tries to pass off that Maddie has the "facial expressions" to portray the girl to the judges. I know that's a big fat lie because my dad says Maddie has a face of the horse. In Mom-Land, Christi is, to the surprise of no one, displeased with the group number, although she calls it a "cult" which immediately gives the routine its name for the episode, and that if anyone is different, Abby will suck you into her nonsense. The moms dish about it, but they all basically talk on top of one another, so the only one with a valid point is Kelly, saying that it's yet another piece about Maddie. Well, Melissa McBitch gets all pissy-pants about THAT while Christi says that they always celebrate the kids' victories but not Melissa (unless it's Maddie). As the two get into a screaming match, the girls are edited to look like they're watching and hearing the whole thing. Maturity levels are pointed out about how Melissa doesn't talk about the other girls, as we get evidence from when she ratted out Chloe missing class (due to doctor's orders), more bickering about Melissa lying like it's her job, and then Christi brings up Melissa's married sugar daddy boyfriend and how she had an affair with a former boss (which I pray to God is not Abby). This argument is going nowhere fast, especially since Melissa is screaming for no reason and has obscenities fly out of her mouth, including one juicy one which prompts Kelly to say, "Oh, we haven't used that word in a while." HA!

The moms then tell clueless Jill-Cher about how this is how Melissa functions, with Holly leading the way, since she's clearly the voice of reason. She says that she may be annoying, but Melissa is definitely a smart woman. It's why she issued those cease-and-desist papers last time. Meanwhile, Mother of the Year forces poor Macks to get her purse from the booth. Macks is crying because the moms are talking about Melissa and that she doesn't want her to leave the studio. This bounces off Melissa and she abandons her kids at the studio. Again.

With only two days until the competition, Abby is stressed for time. However, she's pissed because Melissa has now flat out refused to bring Maddie or Mackenzie to the studio, probably knowing that Abby won't give her much shit because it's Maddie and all. Jill-Cher immediately is plotting for Kendall to get on the team but, seriously, homeslice is no Maddie. After a brief discussion over the lantern prop for Chloe's solo, Abby realizes there's no Zieglers present. Fantastic for her.

No time to get into that because we have to check in Ohio with the Crazy Crapple. She has "top secret news" (guess what? Your kids are old enough to not be spoken to like 3 year olds), which is, of course, announced on national television. The Crapples are headed off to the same Starbound competition! Last time, the ALDC wasn't so nice to Cathy (and since when has anyone ever been "nice" to each other on this show? Dance-teacher wise anyway) so, of course, she's in to win. While the nation laughs that out of their system, Cathy says she's brought back the "M&Ms" (the gay guys from a few weeks ago), as well as a new(er) boy. Guess the blonde prop boy didn't work out so well. She claims that the kids like the guys (no argument there: They probably like them because they make decent pieces) and that they're going to work harder than ever, especially since Jill-Cher and Maureen Cummings defected back to the ALDC. The new kid, Drayson (???), is here as a replacement until someone permanent comes in.

Back in PA, Abby pushes on with the group rehearsal sans Maddie Blanche DuBois. She has Nia take on her dance captain role by counting off the dance while she panics, and Nia's doing a pretty solid job. Kelly comments how Jill-Cher is always trying to slither her way into the group while Christi says something about them not being able to handle the truth, and I think she meant either Melissa or Jill-Cher but, at this point, who cares really. At Camp Crapples, Drayson and Justice are doing a duet that seems ripped off from So You think You can Dance called "Promotion" to go up against Kendall and Macks (it almost makes no sense about how she found THAT out, but then again, Lifetime/Melissa/Jill-Cher/Starbound website told her). However, Cathy admits that it's not going well because she's a hack Justice can't really get a handle on being an "aggressive" character, what with his pent up rage at the bitter age of ten and everything... The group, however, is on edge and has a lot of movement (which is kind of the whole point of dance, right?). Cathy calls it a "hot" dance and I worry about what's to come.

Over in PA, Abby has Dance Captain Supreme Nia call Maddie to see if she can get her butt over for rehearsal. Once again, Nia proves her brain power by saying that she has no direct power over if Maddie can get to the studio because SHE'S NOT HER MOM. (Never change, Nia). Nia relays that Melissa won't let Maddie go to the studio because she's mad at the moms. You're always mad at the moms, this isn't new. Obviously, with no Maddie, the piece makes absolutely no sense. Eventually, Mother of the Year drops her kids off but doesn't stay at the studio so Maddie can rehearse. Abby then yells at Maddie for missing most of the rehearsal and cannot believe how much time has been lost. Yawn yawn yawn.

Our front desk moment of the week involves Gia!, whom we haven't seen in a while. Well, she "discovers" that not only are the Crapples competiting at Starbound, but they're also in each category they're in! She becomes suspicious of the duet, since it's with two boys so she suspects one of them is a ringer, which Gia! agrees to. Now Jabba the Lee HAS to get Maddie to compete. Well, lookie, Melissa has decided to go into the studio today, doing the whole "oblivious" act she fails at so well, also saying that she doesn't have to be there. Christi brings up the double standard how Chloe misses rehearsal and she gets yelled at while Maddie misses rehearsal and nothing happens. Okay, that storyline is so last half-season.

Chloe's solo is titled "Leave the Light On", which involves the lantern from earlier. The lantern is used to find more light. Really? I never would have guessed! Of course, Jabba decides to throw a pile of shit on poor Chloe by saying she HAS to win because she's up against Justice. Meanwhile, besties Jill-Cher and Melissa chat about Abby wanting Maddie to do a solo so last minute and Melissa won't let her (shocker! She's standing her ground! But her being a bitch distracts this glowing moment). Jill-Cher agrees that that wasn't fair, but she has to sell Kendall some more by saying that if SHE was told to learn a solo the day before, she would've done it. Sorry, but your cloud of delusion is thicker than thick, Jill-Cher. Kendall's a sweet girl, but she's no Melanie Moore. Christi then laments on Abby's waning faith (if there's any left) in Chloe by saying that she might as well take Chloe's solo and have Maddie do it. Again, yawn yawn yawn.

Macks and her Snooki bump are here to describe the duet, an acro number (what else?) called "Reservations for Two". I was REALLY hoping it was a send up of "Midnight at the Oasis". THAT would've been gold. Unfortunately, it's not looking so good. But we don't spend too much time on them because Maddie Blanche DuBois is brought back in for a chat with Abster. She tells Maddie that she doesn't want to go there and not win but Maddie won't learn a solo because even she knows she can't learn that fast. It looks like Abby curses in front of Maddie here, but I know that there's no way she would do that in front of a child, no matter how much of an ignorant woman she is and how badly she should be arrested. Abby then confessionalizes that if Maddie doesn't compete and they lose, she's killing Melissa. YEAH! Do that! Then you can go to jail, Melissa would be gone, her kids would be freed and I'm thinking WAY too much ahead of this! Okay, come back down to Earth now... and I'm back. Melissa, naturally, doesn't care and storms out.

We arrive at Myrtle Beach, where Abby is worried because the competition is tough and the "crab apples" (her effort, though I panicked at the thought that they actually, by some odd chance or another, found these). Off topic: How come the stage looks way smaller here? On second thought, I won't bother with that one because, as someone who has traveled with a company over the summer, some venues have smaller spaces than others. The Crapples arrive and the ALDC moms grimace at hearing Cathy's voice from waaaaay beyond the green room. She must be one hell of a screecher. Abby brings Jill-Cher over to check out this Drayson kid to see if she has any idea who he is, which she allegedly doesn't. Cathy reveals that Drayson is a guest this week who doesn't compete with the studio regularly... so he's either one of the "300" dancers at the studio or an outside source. Elsewhere, Christi needs Chloe to believe in herself! But I'm sure she'll be fine anyway.

As always, Chloe is nervous, this time it's because she's up against the juggernaut that is Justice from the Apples. Of course, I love the song, her dancing, and I get the chills at the end. However, something just seemed very off about her performance this week. I wonder what it is. Christi cheers from the audience like a proud mommy but is worried because Justice is right after her. This week, Justice takes a cue from DMM's Lucas and is just dancing in shorts and no shirt. Will Cathy ever stop being a hack? And will Abby stop looking like she took a Quaalude? To be honest, I wasn't too too impressed with it, since all it was was a bunch of tricks, but he comes off as a "heavy" dancer. Abby notes she saw the same damn sequence NINE TIMES. Seriously, she should probably go to therapy for her OCD. I mean, no one cares how many times Paige needs to sit, or Macks was told to spit out her gum, and such. She says that Chloe may have a shot, but that requires faith in her, so she pisses about Melissa not letting Maddie do a solo this competition. Melissa is just sick of "Maddie" getting upset whenever the moms yell at Melissa. I'll bet.

It's time for the Cult Dance. The girls are Amish women this week and the only main issue Abby is freaking out this time is Brooke getting a bonnet on Maddie during the number. She does but I do catch Maddie saving herself by tightening the bonnet when her back is turned, buying some extra time. Good thinking, girls. The ending of the piece is really freaky, with Maddie looking more like a possessed cult member than an additional member of the group. Actually, there's not much of a difference there but that shit was creepy!
The Crapples continue their hacking spree in a Schoolgirl prostitot number titled "My Hair Like This". To be fair, they are covered up just a bit more than, well, every other slutty schoolgirl number out there, including some of the ALDC's pieces. The group enters the stage and, already, Crazy Cathy is SCREAMING from the audience to hold EVERYTHING (nothing has even happened yet, mind you). What's going on? Did ANOTHER girl injure herself? Someone throwing up?... no, the kids aren't bright enough to bring on a chair, especially since they've probably been working with one UP UNTIL NOW. Abby calls her students "irresponsible" for forgetting a frickin' folding chair that one of their choreographers has to bring on. Uh, spoiled? Stupid? Wtf? Anyway, after that dumb screw up, they finally dance, which just looks like a stripper routine. Vivi, as per usual, does nothing beyond sitting on a chair, and standing up. Then again, we only see 10 seconds of the routine so... well, I may as well just be right about Vivi-Anne doing nothing. FREE VIVI!!!!!!! Cathy feels pretty good about this piece. She's nuts.

Awards time finds that first and second place (by some coincidence being Chloe and Justice) are separated by 1/10th of a point... YET AGAIN. Chloe gets second and Justice gets first, causing Christi's heart to sink and me to cringe. Chloe is trying very hard to hide her disappointment... or maybe it's the stupid bonnet. Who knows, really. Abby's excuse is that the judges love seeing boys dance, so more boy winners mean more boy dancers in the future. Eh, I'll half-buy it. Thankfully, the Crapples get third and the FLDC gets first for groups! Yahoo! What a minute... what about duets? We'll find out later but first, Abby has to make an ass out of herself by knocking Chloe for being a "1/10th of a loser"... yeah that rolls off the tongue. Christi just wishes Abby could be PROUD of Chloe getting such a good placement but no, it's all about WINNING. Holly has no idea why Jabba is so freaked out over Cathy to begin with (they keep wiping the floor with her everywhere they go: Give it a rest!) but she really needs to chill out and calm down. But there's no time for that, because Abby is freaking out over the duets.

The Boys go first with their "Promotion" knock off and Abby is worried that they could win again simply because they're boys... but watching it, it just looks frenetic and all over the place and kind of bad. No one is impressed. So, let's see Ken and Macks' duet! It's actually kind of cute, not the best, but cute. At one point, Macks stumbles and take a header riiiiiiiiiight into Kendall's butt, causing me to burst out in laughter at home. Kendall's line this week is that it felt weird competing against Justice because he used to be a teammate of hers. At awards, the boys get second and the girls get first! YAY! Abby is thrilled with 2 out of 3, but screws up big time by saying, "You can blame Chloe for that." Because Chloe is a judge and choreographer of that routine. Darn her!

Continuing the fall from grace, Abby goes to rub it in Cathy's faces about the wins. Cathy is a bitter Betty and tells her that her girls are always doing fresh and new choreography, unlike Abby's girls (Need I remind you: Who is the one who keeps WINNING?). Nothing interesting beyond the dance teachers screaming at each other, probably setting up a climatic duel with Mackenzie against Vivi (I'll take the vegas odds on that one). Cathy tries to sound impressive by saying that Macks is only better because she's missing school half the time, which Melissa vehemently denies (I believe her here). Then, Cathy's brain malfunctions and the best insult she can come up with is "Take your technicolor ass out of here!" Classy, assy.

Next time: It's the ALDC showcase/concert! Abby attempts to teach the girls a "hip-hop" routine, which'll look whiter than whitewash. Madame Leslie Rose and Big Pimpin' Payton return (since she's part of the studio and all), the former making a huge shit for no reason, and Cathy showing up for no apparent reason other than to "count the empty seats". It's the one time there's no competition and she's still making a big deal out of it! GROW UP WOMEN!!! Oh wait, too late, Leslie's being held back by personnel as Kelly speeds off with her kids. Ooooh goody.

Dance Moms: The Bunny Boiler

Previously on Dance Moms: Madame Leslie Rose returned to scream, convulate logic, and throw glassware. Team Seaslug returned and, amazingly, acted pretty mature despite screwing up greatly. There were cringe worthy auditions for Drop Dead Diva and Lifetime lied to us once more. Act surprised. And I apparently got over my lace complex.

Everyone gathers for the Pyramid but Holly is nowhere to be found. Luckily, Christi assures Abby she'll be there later and Abby, for once, doesn't give Nia hell about it. The epic win from last week is celebrated briefly but, before the pyramid even begins, JILL-CHER barges into the room with a horrendous hairdo. She apologizes (flatly) and, oh, can Kendall come back to the team? OH HELL NO. But, since Jill-Cher only knows how to talk (seriously, is she deaf?), she really doesn't care. Christi says that Candy Apple's didn't give her what she wanted (featured spots and solos) so she's "hop, hop, hopping" back to Abby. Chloe starts giggling for some reason (probably because this is so ridiculous) as Jill-Cher refuses to shut up. Abby (I think) says that Jill-Cher might have a hot new hairdo and new clothes but she's still the same old shit-stirrer. She drags (LITERALLY) Kendall in with her headshot to put up on the pyramid, thinking that in itself will work while the other girls greet Kendall Maureen Cummings, who is crying. Poor thing, FREE KENDALL!! Abby will have none of it and boots her out.

This week, they're competing at another Starpower, because nowhere else will let them film (as stated before), where around 60 entries have been entered. The trio is on the bottom: Macks for being too far ahead of the other two, Nia for the aerial mess up, and Paige for just being in the trio. Huh? Chloe is in the middle because she's not up to par with those she's competing against (11-12). Brooke did an amazing job in the group (and, presumably, the solo that didn't air), had amazing technique and was outstanding. And Maddie's on top and while Abby goes on about her win as always, Christi points out that the moms aren't jealous, it's jsut that they wouldn't shove wins (like Chloe) in the faces of the other children.

Maddie will be doing a solo called, "I Can't Find the Words" and so will PAIGE, who will be doing a number titled, "Creme de la Creme". Yum. Everyone is excited for Nia's solo, which has her name ALL OVER IT, titled "Working Girl", to a song performed by LAQUIFA. First: AGH! Second: Abby, her name is SHANGELA LAQUIFA WADLEY. That is, unless, she's not allowing them to say all that on camera. The group number is based on vampires and love and will feature a boy! Macks finds boys to be "Icky! Icky! Icky!" Of course, she's totally at ease with Ms. Justine Beiber.

Group rehearsals go underway as we're introduced to Nick (not Brandon as I initially thought) from the Senior company. Maddie describes the group piece as Abby says Nick is there because he can do lifts and he's very trustworthy when it comes to partner work. In the booth, Jill-Cher swans in and Melissa admits she thought she was Cathy at first but soon butters her to her bestie, saying she loves her hair. Jill-Cher is "surprised" that Maureen Cummings wasn't placed on the pyramid but Christi rolls her eyes and whips out her bitchface. Kelly notes that Kendall Maureen Cummings had the perfect opportunity to join this team way back at the auditions and Jill-Cher screwed it up by throwing shoes and being an all out bitch. Abby is irritated that Jill-Cher expected that Kendall would be thrown back into the fray all willy-nilly simply because she was on the team for a few weeks. Christi calls Jill-Cher a huge liar, she even lies about her hair color! Kendall is released early because Abby has a lot of thinking to do. She bolts from the room to the moms, which I think was an escape attempt.

Going on Paige's words last time, Abby is giving her more difficult choreography for her solo, but she knows what Paige can do and Paige should do what she's taught. Jill-Cher interrupts rehearsal once again and Kelly is furious that she's barging in on one of the few times Paige will ever get a private with Abby. Jill-Cher wants to know poor Kendall's fate with this company but Abby will have none of it and promptly throws her out. Again. She has had it with Jill-Cher and thought that was extremely inappropriate and that Jill-Cher has a LOT of groveling and paperwork to do before Kendall can even set foot in the studio again.

On to more pleasurable (?) things, we get to peek in at Nia's solo, where Abby has tourettes demonstrating Nia's opening walk in the number, which is "based on Holly being the original working girl." Erm, I don't think that's true. In other news, Abby's wearing a WHITE shirt for a change. WEIRD! And, speaking of Holly, she graces the room with her presence as Christi tells her she'll NEVER believe who decided to bring her sorry ass back to this hell hole. When Holly has no idea what she's talking about, Christi uses her "Jill-Cher 900 number" voice to say, "I'll give you three guesses." Do I die in hysterics? Yep. So does Holly. In her confessional, Holly describes the embarrassing Laquifa number from last year and hopes this number will be different. Please dear god, no leopard jumpsuits...

The girls are rehearsing when Gia! enters with urgency. Someone's on the phone and it sounds important. At first, I was going to be mortified if it was Jill-Cher telling Abby that she boiled Broadway Baby in revenge but no! It's actually a woman named Cheryl, the casting director from Drop Dead Diva with some news. After "watching the auditions" they've "decided" that they're going to hire Maddie in the role of young Deb. Maddie's "excited" but not NEARLY was excited as Abby. Nia signs the news to the moms, who are less than thrilled, especially since the audition called for a "blonde" and Maddie's a blonde-ish brunette (who'll probably be made with wear a wig. If that's the case, couldn't Brooke have done that for the audition? And why have the Crapples audition in the first place when almost NONE where blondes?) and Maddie probably knew about it to begin with so why bother with the auditions. Christi laments that the girls know that it's not a level playing field but they shouldn't be USED to it. That's kind of disturbing. Skeptical Holly knew that someone's name was on that role and that someone was Maddie, the star of this show, which just so happens to air on Lifetime, which also airs Drop Dead Diva so I'm with Holly here. Abby has Maddie tell the moms, who congratulate her for getting the part. Melissa the Snatch tries to pass it off that the moms are just "jealous" as Maddie says that she tried to remain humble (this time I'll believe her) because she didn't want her friends to be mad as Christi wishes that things were fair and even. As sad as that is, since when is the world fair and even, especially with Lifetime whitewashing the shit out of this show?

It's three days before the competition and Abby is screaming at Nia because her hair keeps falling out. Uh, she's had these braids since the beginning of the second half of this season so why is she yelling at her about this NOW? She also wants Nick to really bite the girls in the routine but before things can continue, Jill-Cher rears her botoxed face in once more.

How can we miss you IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

Holly is shocked at how different she looks with her whack job hair (she didn't say that) while Christi jokes that she's in the witness protection program. If she was, I'll bet huge money her name would've been "Nancy Cummings" (I will reference that movie until the end of time). Abby throws Jill-Cher out yet again, since she's more concerned over her choreography than Jill-Cher's antics. Jill-Cher's story is that she had no idea when the rehearsal was (it could be that ABBY DIDN'T WANT YOU THERE) while Abby yells at Kendall, crying again, that she should control her mother. But Kelly believes that Abby will play at Cathy's game and only take her back just to get back at Cathy. Kendall's put back into the group anyway, considering Macks is way too young for this kind of theme. But Abby's still not pleased with the group. She asks Gia! if she should cut down the people in the group. Gia! thinks she should. Abby decides she'll make the big decision at the competition, which I'm not sure is even possible but what do I know at this point. She hints that Nia would be shafted because she has a solo to focus on and her hair's a mess, but Holly isn't pleased with this news. Abby asks Paige is she would be upset if Kendall took her place in the group. Yup. What if she was better than you? Uh, rude.

In Studio C, Abby wants to discuss the whole Drop Dead Diva thingy. She doesn't get why the moms wouldn't be happy for another's success. THAT'S A BAD ROLE MODEL. Uh, look who's talking! The kids are shocked that Abby would think of such a thing while the model recite the lines they were learning earlier. Christi confessionalizes that Abby is reprimanding them for not being happy for Maddie (which is a big ole lie, of course) yet she blew Chloe off when she got the lead in the music video and the Joffrey intensive.

Then Holly takes the stage for sticking by her (possibly accurate) views that the audition was rigged. On this show? Ridiculous! Not. She delivers this in an outstanding speech. Abby tries to change the topic by attacking Nia's hair, calling it "horrible". Such a woman of wise words. Holly fires back by telling Abby to "look in the mirror" and attacking Abby's horrible hair and wardrobe. As I'm dancing for joy for Holly, Abby claims that the braids are weighing Nia down. NIA then enters the fray by shaking her head and telling her that they definitely don't. It concludes when Holly says Abby should fix herself first before she tries to change anyone else. Yep. I'm on Team Holly.

While Abby has no idea what to do about the group, she does want to work on Maddie's solo, which is about writing a love letter, which is something Maddie is excited over. Over on the internets, the moms from DMM were getting pissed because they did something very similar in one of their routines but I'm calling foul because I'm pretty sure so have another 458,291 other studios. Melissa describes the number as not finding the right words to tell someone they love them. Oh brother. She doesn't want Maddie to be affected by all this nonsense. Whoops, too late. Abby says that success and jealously goes hand in hand and Maddie, who's barely 9, should get used to it. So she forced Maddie to bring in all her crowns. HUH? Abby says Maddie should be proud and to rub it in their faces from time to time. What the fuck is she smoking?

Appropriately, the moms, except Melissa, are less than thrilled. Melissa gives a bitch face for the ages. Maddie admits that she didn't want to bring in the crowns but she had no choice because she had to follow the rules. Aww... The moms accurately point out that Maddie's getting uncomfortable but Melissa Supersnatch decides to go tattle on them like the mature role model that she is. She delivers some half assed rant about not trying to hurt the children but Abby yells at her for squashing Maddie's dreams. Um, WHAT? Then Melissa starts crying, most likely for getting yelled at and not for whatever bullshit she was spouting.

It's competition time, where Abby comments on the HUGE competition and all that crap. She's keeping the decision a complete secret (this makes no sense in what's to come) but Kendall is crying, this time because Jill-Cher watched the first season, saw Maddie got sick, and got top o' the pyramid she has a stomach ache. Poor thing. But Abby's like "So, get some medicine?" Well, Jill-Cher gets into yet another pissing match with Abby, who proceeds to tell Kendall to suck it up. Nia then rehearses but stops when Abby criticizes her for something. She forgot the routine! AGAIN! Thankfully, it was in the dressing room but Holly, apparently a little too high and mighty from the discussion with Abby, proceeds to calm her down, assuring her she does know the routine but to "suck it up". Totally producer fed. Nia then does a calming regimen backstage and tells us that she freaked out a little bit in the dressing room. Holly is praying that Nia does well and is acting like a basket case in the audience. She goes to dance and, while it's not necessarily the greatest thing I've ever seen, it's miles better than the "Laquifa" number. Nia's on fire in this routine with energy abound, complete with the death drop at the end. Macks tells us she would be terrified to do the death drop. Whatevs. Nia receives a standing ovation and Holly tells us she's one "proud mama."

LOVE THEM.

Maddie goes to dance in what I swear is one of the nice blue dresses from the Homeless girl number. Yet another fine dance, blah blah, same goofy horse face, added with the look of constipation. Melissa wishes it were longer. If she wanted, Melissa would want Maddie's solo to last 3 days. Paige goes and, while it's not my favorite, it's not too shabby. Abby says that she applied every correction and she's earned those privates from now on. Oh, what fools they are for saying that now...

During the solo awards, Paige admits that she wishes they weren't competing against each other. Nia places 9th place AND wins the "Fiercest Attitude" award! Paige gets 6th place while Maddie wins her standard first place by 3/10th of a point. Lather, rinse, repeat. Abby is proud of all three, especially since her goal was to have all of them place in the top 10. Yeah, wahoo and all, where's my boxed wine?

As Abby makes the cruel cuts, she notices something's awry. "WHY IS KENDALL WEARING A WHITE BOW IN HER HAIR??!!!" she yammers. She hasn't even told them if they're in the routine or not!! Kendall calmly tells Abby that Jill-Cher put the bow in her hair. Jill-Cher, who is way less mature than anyone ever, goes apeshit over the dumb bows. Again, she goes into a pissing match with Abby over... manners? Then Jill-Cher screams that none of the moms ever stand up for her. Well, that's cause bitch, you crazy. In sum, Abby has had enough.

Now it's time to determine the members in the group. She wants Paige and Brooke to demonstrate their back tucks but decides against it after realizing that the hotel rug isn't exactly the smartest place to do gymnastics on, since it's only a rug and concrete. Paige wants to do one anyway and BAM! Smashes her foot into the floor. It doesn't look good but she's suprisingly calm throughout all of this. What is it that makes us freak out over glue gun burns but when major bones are smashed, we're like "Oh, no biggie." Although, maybe it's because Paige sees this as her Get Out of Jail free card. Jill-Cher, taking a cue from Madame Leslie Rose, silently sees an opening for poor Kendall. Nia is told that she did fantastic in her solo so she doesn't need to be in the group, earning a "Congrats" from Abby. And in the end, Kendall doesn't make the group after all. It's Team Juggernaut (Brooke, Maddie, and Chloe) who'll be dancing with Nick. As always, Jill-Cher screams about it not being fair or whatever but Abby is well aware that Jill-Cher is only concerned about herself.

The group warms up backstage and I'm pretty sure they're wearing the "Land Unforgiven" dresses (not Nick, of course. He's just dressed in a ripped tuxedo). I love the song and I thought the dance was pretty good and very slick. Christi thought Nick was excellent at showcasing the girls individually and with ease and Abby is confident she made the right decision. The routine, "Twilight" (screams into the night), wins first! Abby's on top of the world and Christi feels the victories were deserved. Then Abby blows it by asking if Jill-Cher has any final remarks. She does. Basically, yeah, they won which is why Kendall should be back on this team. You're kidding me right? Then she tries to shush Abby while Abby says that she doesn't solicit students. Jill-Cher says that Abby is a punisher (no shit, Sherlock) and that she only cares about herself. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... Yet another pissing match ensues with Jill-Cher screaming that all the moms suck while Christi calls her insane. Jill-Cher then proceeds to scream as Abby comforts poor Kendall, saying that it's going to cost her a lot of money for her (Jill-Cher's) therapy. If any one needs therapy, it sure as hell is going to be Kendall. She ends the episode by saying Abby's sick and is acting like a baby, forgetting that this is all being broadcast on national television.

Next time: The Olympics are coming so there won't be an entry for another two weeks! Paige has a busted foot so her duet with Chloe is in jeopardy, something the laughing Jill-Cher doesn't miss. Kelly cries, Christi blows a fuse and Chloe is terrified, crying and holding her chest like as if someone just ripped something off of it. I fear the worst...

Dance Moms: We're no Fools, Lifetime

Last time on DANCE MOMS: The Candy Apples faced off against their "nemis", the ALDC, at a Nexstar competition in Ohio, Jill-Cher whined about everything as per usual, Kelly re-choreographed Paige's chair number to Abby's ire but they won against the Crapples!

Strangely, this episode begins with cheery music as the team falls into the studio, chanting the "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" mantra from last week. Abby seems to be in a very good mood since, admittedly they didn't do so well, they were successful in beating the Apple's. They beat them in each category, to which Christi claps. She's gonna go through the pyramid rather quickly because there's TONS to do.

Paige is on the bottom because of mommy's antics to get herself booted from the show. Even though she beat Kendall, she still must do the choreography she was taught. Kelly instantly whines but no one cares about that because that's all she ever does. Mackenzie is next because, even though she has improved greatly, she needs to start pulling her weight in the group routines. Macks looks like she's about to cry. Brooke is finally off probation (yay!) and Brooke is "glad" she's off probation because being on Abby's bad side is never a good thing, especially when we get a flashback to the Chair Toss Seen Round the World. Nia begins the middle row because she has greatly matured since last time where, about 6 months prior, she was crying on her dad's lap because she lost out to Kendall. Abby NEVER wants to have that happen again. Holly is proud that her daughter is improving so much and when things work for her, they click. Maddie is next because she was excellent in the group and Chloe is on the top! She won a costume award (go figure) and made the top 10. Abby is proud of her but she wants her to work on her confidence.

Onto the competition, which just so happens to be STARBOUND in (begins fanning self, in a Southern drawl) Atlaaaanta, Georgia. Why is STARBOUND so important? Well, as Abby will remind the audience approximately 3,000 times in this episode, STARBOUND was the competition where not only did the group place tenth, they lost out to the Candy Apples by ONE PLACING. She says it was one tenth of a point but I remember that it was one point so who knows what to believe. Anyway, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
For the dances that we'll never see, Chloe will be doing a solo titled "Trouble". Ooh! Does this mean she'll be portraying a badass cowgirl?! Abby wants her to use the whole stage and jump higher than she's ever jumped. Maddie's solo will be a lyrical number called "Mom, It Will Never Be the Same". The trio for this week will comprise of Paige, Nia, and Macks, who I called Team Seaslug. They'll be dancing a piece called "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us". The group number, called "All Kids Go", is about the loss of innocence and childhood going away and maturity, so it's not going to make much sense. Everyone's going to be involved except for Mackenzie, who is way too young for this piece. Macks is bummed but I couldn't help but laugh at her hairstyle, which is utilizing a Bump-It. Abby will be bringing in a teen who'll definitely look older to make the piece stand out. And since Big Pimpin' Payton looks old enough to portray Lindsay Lohan now, she'll have to do... which means Madame Leslie Rose is back. Kelly wishes that this wouldn't happen because she thinks the team in general is just fine.

And because Lifetime is trying to distract its incessant lying by being a shill, Abby announces that she got a call from the people who work on "Drop Dead Diva" looking for girls who dance for a bit part in an upcoming episode. Christi seems to agree with me, while Kelly thinks it's a great career opportunity that'll open many doors. Just like that music video? As Payton enters the room, Christi bitches about Chloe being on top of the pyramid but Payton being the star yet again. Nooo! Don't revert back to the old Christi! I like the Sarcastic Christi much better, not "Woe is me, Chloe's being robbed" Christi! It's also pointed out that this is the first time Brooke and Payton will be in the group together, since the past few times, Brooke was a cheerleader and then went to a school dance. Abby asks Payton if she can keep her mother in control, but Payton's frightened face basically answers that question. And just when I couldn't feel even worse, Madame Leslie Rose enters. Christi hilariously describes her by using the direct opposite of what we've seen so far: A sane, easy to get along with woman who uses her inside voice. In five seconds, Leslie puts up a front, setting the stage of a rather angsty episode.

With three days until the competition, Abby is planning to win big. The girls are wearing socks for this number, which Abby describes as a dark, beautiful, and elegant number. Yawn. While Leslie's mouth runs with dripping shit, Christi feels the urge to poke her eye out. Leslie dives right in and says Payton should be on the team permanently. Christi points out that it's only been 5 freakin' minutes and Leslie's already gung-ho on getting Payton on the team and this is going to be a loooooooooong week.

Over in Ohio, Crazy Cathy has a room dedicated to the Apple's. Uh, who cares? First, she breaks the news that Jill-Cher and Kendall will no longer be dancing with them anymore because Jill-Cher demanded more attention for Kendall... or herself. Cathy says it's a great decision which cements that she's just a bitchy old broad. Too bad, so sad. It's a shame they didn't stick around because SHE got a phone call regarding the DDD audition too! Uh, Cathy, they wanted a YOUNG GIRL for the part. You've got grown women in hideous makeup. I'm just very happy you're not competing this weekend.

It's really pathetic Lifetime is trying to plug in a show that's successful in its own right. I mean, I don't going around promoting the next show I'm in here because A) I don't think anybody really reads these but they're still fun to do and B) I don't think anyone would come see. Although, who wouldn't want to see me in LA CAGE AUX FOLLES in the Fall?

It's time for the girls to audition and only Chloe, Maddie, and Paige are auditioning, each with something to bring to the table: Chloe has experience (due to the music video), Maddie seems to be an ambitious nightmare (fitting for the character, I assume), and Paige is kind of a dark horse. That's the only positive thing I'll say about the auditions because, holy shit, THEY SUCKED. As an actor with an A.S. in Visual and Performing Arts, I can say that these were just cringeworthy, but none more so than the Candy Apples. While Abby's girls are no Olivier, at least they memorized the script. The Apples read from it in blank tones and... I REALLY needed a drink.

The moms go out to eat lunch and discuss Kelly's birthday party coming up. After a discussion of what to drink (Kelly: Duh, Mommy Juice!), Kelly drops the bomb that she's inviting Leslie. Why? In a manner where it is so obvious that the producers set her up to do this, Kelly says that she feels like she has to invite her. Her face, however, registers as, "They wanted drama. Leslie brings drama. I have no free will." Christi points out the obvious that she's the ultimate stage mother, hence why I dubbed her Madame Leslie Rose, and compares her to Abby. In other news, Christi brings up that Chloe's not going to be able to be at the rehearsal tonight because she's going on an overnight school camping trip. She just knows that the situation at the dance studio will go down like the Titanic. Hey, clever! The next day, Abby, unsurprisingly, flips out and screams, "Does she NOT wanna go to STARBOUND?!" It was a last minute decision, says Christi, who says she only showed up to protect her kid from the dance teacher, although I'm pretty sure it's also because she has her other daughter dancing there too. Leslie, at first, appears stunned by what's unfolding... or maybe that's the gears in her head turning, because two seconds later she seeks out the opportunity to ask Abby if Payton could have a solo this week. Sure! Christi makes another shining quip by saying, "The body's not even cold and already you're swooping in!" She's also, deservedly, pissed that Abby had the gall to call Chloe dumb. In the booth, Kelly innocently asks Leslie if Payton's going to be learning a new solo, which I assume as in "Learn new or recycle an old one." Leslie, sharing the same mindset as Phi Phi O'Hara (or Pheces O' Ptosis), immediately starting bitching while Kelly screeches about three octaves higher than normal.

Maddie rehearses her solo as Abby has an orgasm about it. She tells us she's been holding off teaching Maddie this solo because she wanted her to mature first. The trio, however, is just all sorts of fun for Abby, which is translation for "Why... WHY did I do this in the first place?" She finds it hard to block it because of the age differences (11, 9, and 7. Chaos!) and calls them slugs (CRAP, has she been reading these?!) and yells at Nia about spacing. Abby says that as soloists, they're fine but as a trio, they're a mess. In the group, sans Chloe, Christi notes that Payton is placed in her spot, naturally, while Jabba the Lee continues her jackass antics by saying it's like they didn't need her. In a rare moment of honesty, Leslie assures Christi that Chloe can pick up fast so she'll be fine.

The next day, Kelly confronts Abby about Payton getting a solo, who says she got it because she's very willing to work, unlike the rest of the kids. Kelly knows that Abby's just going to keep bringing those two knuckleheads in, so the moms are going to have to run them out. Big Pimpin' Payton rehearses her solo and, while she's happy for the opportunity, she's not used to working THIS fast. Christi brings up the conversation from this morning while Leslie confessionalizes that she's just gonna let them worry while she'll just give a rat's ass. Kelly doesn't appreciate Leslie changing their words all the time and brings up the incident where Payton thought it was smart to give her opinion that she was the bee's knees. As Leslie screams about how nothing makes these women happy, it's clear that Leslie has no idea where she is and what show she's on. The amount of shit thrown at these women? Yeah, that just screams frivolity.

Chloe has returned from her camping trip! And it's also time for one of Christi's world famous pep talks as Chloe holds on to her for dear life. Chloe's afraid that Abby will pull her solo because she went on the trip but Abby's just furious because the trip was optional. Oh Abby, stop making a shit over every little thing. It's a competition, not the Olympics. Now Chloe's really feeling the pressure. When she's done rehearsing, Abby confessionalizes that she's impressed that Chloe managed to remember everything to a T but the studio footage of her yelling at Chloe paints a different picture.

It's party time at Kelly's house! The moms are having a wonderful time... for the time being. Then they start discussing Leslie. Kelly claims she has no problem with her, but Christi nails it again by saying "You can lie like a rug!" Definitely an English major. Then Leslie shows up and Kelly jokingly flips the bird, I think. But, oh hey, Kelly's really not that excited to see her. What a shock. Leslie tries to say that all she does is talk loud and she's just here to enjoy, but as Holly attempts to intervene with logic again, Leslie calls Christi a drunk. WHOA that was really uncalled for. Christi has had it with the bitch. Melissa, who eerily has said NOTHING in this episode so far, just drinks and Holly looks as confused as ever. Christi doesn't want to see Leslie anymore and, continuing the adult behavior, Leslie chucks a glass across the room. Holy shit, she needs some Xanax a.s.a.p. Poor Christi begins crying and the moms comfort her.

It seems like a big sigh of relief whenever the competition finally arrives, and I noticed that they sell dancewear? Abby, amazed by the venue, states, "I should've worn fancy shoes!", giving me a chuckle. Shut up. Gia! is there too so that makes me happy. After another STARBOUND disaster reminder, Chloe says that, for once, she's not that nervous. Christi jokes about it but Abby barges in and starts another scene. Well, I guess Chloe's nervous NOW. But, wait, there's more drama! As Christi and Kelly make their way to their seats, they just happen to run into Madame Leslie Rose in an abandoned hallway. They get into a pissing match and Leslie calls them witches, while Christi scores again with yet another Wizard of Oz reference, shouting after her "Go before another house lands on you!" Yup, Christi's definitely not expecting the warm and fuzzies in the dressing room when this is over.

Chloe is confident with her piece this time and I'm in love with her costume. As always, she's pretty damn amazing and I wish I had her skills. Abby found her to be wonderful and Chloe plans to have her new found confidence for every week from now on. Go Chloe!
Maddie goes and her competition face continues to distract from the dance. Her dress is pretty though, but the piece is kind of dull and she looks like she's gonna puke the whole time. She felt good about the solo but thought Chloe was great too. Christi is proud of Chloe, Melissa sucks up about Maddie, and Abby gives Chloe a hug! Christi jokes about Chloe going camping more often but Abby can't take a joke and berates Christi about the whole thing. Ugh...

Time for the trio to dance, and boy is Abby nervous for them, as is Nia, particularly about her front aerial. WHOA these costumes are... really bad. It doesn't look good when Macks misses her entrance and Nia slips up her front aerial, landing on her thigh. Unlike Maddie, she doesn't make a big scene about it SO MADDIE OVERREACTED. Macks is worried that Abby is going to be mad solely at her for missing her cue to go on. Backstage, the girls discuss the piece and they all agree that they screwed up in some way: Macks because of the entrance, Nia because of her front aerial, Paige because she's Paige. They all agree to just not say anything to Abby. You know, this is kind of the closest thing to reality this show has since the girls are basically talking like adults. The difference being that, if a conversation like this occurred with me and my friends, we'd all be smoking outside of the theatre. And I don't smoke.
The trio enters the room, silently, and Nia is aware that Abby's really gonna be mad. She is but makes a lot of convoluted comments which leads Holly to tell us that Abby has a short attention span.

Big Pimpin' Payton goes for her solo, but she looks and dances like a Dance Moms Miami kid, but not as great. She also looks older than I do, and I'm 22. Leslie thinks she did well (duh) but when Abby asks for Leslie's opinion, she plays the "My kid didn't get enough rehearsal time because she deserves a lot better than those brats" card. The two get into a pissing match with Abby saying that Leslie should deal with it. Word. After some random attack on Kelly, Leslie admits she knows they don't want her here and if the group fails, she thinks Payton will be blamed. Abby then yells at Leslie, who cries for no reason. Christi hopes this is the last they'll see of them.

After another reminder of the last STARBOUND competition, the group goes. Christi says that she wasn't watching a dance but she was watching art. I wish I could say the same, but all I saw was ten seconds of standing and walking.

It's awards time! Chloe gets fourth place. Christi thinks Chloe definitely danced better than fourth but it certainly wasn't first material. No no, that first material belongs to Maddie, naturally. Melissa says she was "surprised" but I stopped listening to her bullshit. For the teen solo, the show says Payton placed second and Leslie looks like she can barely contain her rage. HOWEVER, Lifetime continues to forget the competition posts results online. As it turns out, Payton placed SEVENTH in the teen division and Brooke, who's solo, the "Paint the Picture" one Kelly pulled, placed SECOND. Give us a break, Lifetime! The trio places fifth, which Abby is less than pleased with but I thought was impressive. And the group wins FIRST PLACE!!! What a comeback from the disaster from last time. Abby is relieved and the moms celebrate for beating 80 numbers. Payton says that she should be in the group more often with Brooke because this is the first time they won a group with Payton in it. Uh, okay? Chloe does a victory dance in her confessional (which made me smile lots) but the episode ends with the moms being berated by Abby for chasing away moms like Cathy, Jill-Cher, and possibly Leslie. Here's the thing: NO ONE WANTED THEM AROUND. But I give up there.

Before announcing what happens next week, apparently there's been a scandal in the Dance Moms world! Allegedly, Cathy and Christi got into a scuffle, resulting in Christi choking the dingbat. HOWEVER, only the Crapples have been tweeting about it and, unsurprisingly, their stories are inconsistent. The only member from the ALDC to comment on the whole fiasco is Christi, who says that it's all a lie and that she has a TV crew to back her up. I'm on Team Christi for now.

NEXT WEEK: The results of the Drop Dead Diva audition, Brandon is back, costumes are sent to the wrong location, and something's up with Paige's foot (Spoiler: SHE BREAKS IT. I say that because there's going to be some bullshit that'll probably make it seem like she broke her foot and performed with it. But I could be wrong)