ANTM All Stars: Always the Bridesmaid

MAN AM I FURIOUS. For starters, college is pissing me off (see the previous post). Two, WHAT THE HELL? And three, GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

Now, let's begin the fun...

It's the grand finale of this trainwreck of a cycle (just in time for finals too)! And, by the episode's end, one girl shall receive the title of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (with the unfortunate reminder of "All Star" after it) that eluded her in her cycle and one girl will be DISQUALIFIED (If you guessed that I was chanting Drunk Lisa's name for that, you are correct). Not only that, but I can finally get rid of the Word document on my laptop that I've been recycling titled "Wives and Lovers" (from the Project Runway recap from way back when). The remaining three chicas return to the model hotel room and engage in what appears to be a prayer circle and poor Pullip is smothered in a three way hug. We're all treated (ha) to some back stories. Drunk Lisa has had an abusive childhood and got some therapy for it (FROM DR. DREW WHO SHE NEVER MENTIONED AT ALL THIS CYCLE). She ultimately shatters whatever good will she had left by shilling about her new album and charity. THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR THAT.
As for Miss Crabby Ass? It's all about redemption! Yep, those clips of you freaking out will definitely help that cause. Again, we hear for the millionth time about growing up in the ghetto and being a "fighter".
Then we're treated to Pullip's back story. In a year, she's come a looooooong way. Her story is one that kind of hits close to home (yes, I've gotten over dead relatives on reality shows. For now anyway). It's been a very rough year for us her as she lost her father from cancer. Pullip's ambition is to not only work in front of the camera but behind it as well. You go girl!

Tyra Mail arrives in Greek and MCA once again proves her eerie skill of solving word puzzles by suggesting it means "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful". It scares me. Nevertheless, could it be... MAYBELLINE?! (Sad fact: I purchased the song immediately after that commercial aired) Of course it's Covergirl, whose fortitude with this show is remarkable. Drunk Lisa believes that MCA is now her competition... just how many times has this woman switched her major competition in this cycle (or, at least, was edited to)? Pick a chick and stick with it. Pullip astutely notes that each girl has different strengths to what this commercial calls for and at panel. To makes things just a smidge tougher, Paige Calli, Covergirl representative, is there to oversee the shoot. They're shooting for the Shadowblast line of makeup. The Greek salad photographer is back to shoot the commercial where it dawned on me (thanks to one of the contestants) that they haven't done any beauty shots this cycle... nor did teddy bear/my imaginary uncle Mike Ruiz ever appear. I'm a sad panda now.

Drunk Lisa, who MCA believes is her competition (WHO CARES?!) goes first and she looks like a hooker. Her eyes are pretty (*twitch*) but her speaking portion is really blah. Mr. Jay calls her a "used car salesman". Pullip looks fantastic for obvious reasons (mostly because she has the biggest canvases in the entire universe). We're treated to a blast from the past to her cringe-worthy Covergirl group commercial from her cycle. Let's hope she's improved since then. Miss Paige loves her eyes (hello client!) but they run into trouble when Pullip's eyes begin to tear up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! To compensate, Mr. Jay makes the creative executive decision to have her eyes closed the whole time... and it works! Her speaking portion is a bit dull until the editor uses her theme song instrumental in the background then it gets much better. MCA goes but I tuned her out when she said she'll make a better Covergirl model than the other two because she's "real", even when she has tourettes during the speaking portion of her commercial ("HOURS!").

Tyra Mail #2 arrives with a "Ciao Bella", leaving the girls to question Ty-Ty's intelligence for once as to why she's sending them mail in Italian. Turns out they're shooting their Vogue Italia cover shots at the stunning beach! Not much happens beyond Pullip turning it out and photos being taken.

Tyra Mail #3 comes on through and points out the obvious runway finale is up next. A sandal wearing Jay greets the girls and gives them a set of instructions on how to work this show which is slightly less shorter/comprehensible than the Constitution. It includes walking to their theme songs. Oye... In order to keep the show's results a mystery, Mr. Jay does the Project Runway approach and brings out the last three eliminated girls (Shannon, Dominique, and the ever radiant, bubbly and deserving winner Laura). WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE DRESSES THESE GIRLS HAD DESIGNED. And... well, to be honest, Drunk Lisa's and MCA's are kind of weak titted. Drunk Lisa's could be replicated by tying a bed sheet around one's waist and hot gluing mirror shards to a camisole. MCA's isn't that much better. Pullip's dress is OUTSTANDING (it looks a bit like Kate Middleton's wedding dress but in a cream/peach color and less wedding-y. Still stunning). With the amount of times they're playing her instrumental, you would think that she was going to win. HOW LAUGHABLY WRONG.

Laura wants "Alli-Cat" to win, putting to shame my chosen nickname for Pullip (too late now). Shannon wants Drunk Lisa to win as Drunk Lisa is transformed into Kayla from Cycle 15. Dominique doesn't have a clear-cut choice but feels horrible for the judges. Miss J continues to his tradition of wearing a fashion abomination to the finale. MCA is worried about the swimming portion of the show and starts to cry and Drunk Lisa opens her yap. Even Mr. Jay changes into a toga for this show, which I think includes cirque performers.

Now, here's how the show works: First, the model takes a swim across a pool of water. Next, she steps into a hoop which rises to cover her body as she "transforms" into a goddess a.k.a. Hooked up on a harness in her goddess gown and fly for a bit. Then walk to the song. Drunk Lisa is up first. She feels she's deserving to win because she wants to be an inspiration "whether it be abuse or drugs". Ugh. In spectacular Drunk Lisa-fashion, she screws up the swimming portion by trying to show off and do a spin which makes her wig get stuck on her face... and she SWIMS INTO THE WALL. She reveals what really goes on for the goddess part: As soon as the hoop goes up, the wet girl sneaks out the back while a different model, who's already prepared (I think, in Drunk Lisa's case, Laura is used), is hooked up to the wire. During this time, the wet girl makes a marathon dash backstage to get changed, get dry and get back to get hooked up. Phew! So, no, they haven't achieved the ability to do this. For her walk, Drunk Lisa turns on the drag and does her best to not trip over her "dress". She has fun, naturally.

MCA's turn. She's doing this for her loved ones. She swims like a drunk fish. She has fun on the wire. She delivers another drag-worthy walk. What is Miss J doing?!

Pullip's moment! Blah blah deserving win blah blah. Man, she must have a set of lungs on her as she swims underwater (keeping to her theme song) the entire way. I'm impressed. Pullip's a teensy bit worried about the wind blowing her dress around but she goes in with gusto and FINALLY delivers a runway worthy walk (compared to the other two girls). After the show, Miss Crabby Ass isn't feeling so well after the show... but what? Is she sick? Drunk? Drugs? PREGNANT? WHAT. IS. GOING. ON?!

Well we won't find out because the next panel takes place in the LA location. APPARENTLY, Uncle Nigel and the network dug up some information that disqualifies one of the remaining three girls... who is MISS CRABBY ASS. I was gunning for Drunk Lisa but, hey, close enough (I'll get to conspiracy theories about this and the cycle in a future post). Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! So, months after filming has ended, the remaining two must re-shoot the entire thing.

The Last Breakdown:
Runway: Pullip did fantastic. Drunk Lisa's swimming was a mess but the audience liked her runway walk.
Covergirl Commercial: I didn't recognize Pullip's voice when her commercial aired. ALT continues his bitch pills overdose and knocks her on her speech patterns (WHAT speech patterns?). Drunk Lisa sounded kind of dull so I don't know how Uncle Nigel found it "fun". In a rare moment, Ty-Ty and I are on the same page as she isn't impressed (YEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!).
Covergirl Print: Pullip's ad is pretty but she looks like one of the Versace for H&M Models (blank expression and all). Drunk Lisa's looks mysterious, especially with one eye showing.

Time for the judges to review their bodies of work and the two stumble their way out of the room. Drunk Lisa has personality but has the presence of a train wreck. Pullip has a huge fanbase but is still a wallflower.

Part two of Modelland airs, which is basically the same footage as part one but with just the remaining two.
AND THE WINNER IS.... Drunk Lisa...

If you heard a very loud scream of anguish, that was me. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?! "The universe came around for me." WTH???? It's not made any better when Tyra describes her like this: "You are an original. You are an inspiration. You are an all star." SHE IS A DRUNK. I wouldn't want my kid to be original in that sense. I'd rather be original and not a drunk mess.

Well, that was one waste of a cycle. Let's hope the next cycle won't be as ridiculous, with a whole NEW batch of modeltestants who will be christened with ridiculous nicknames. Stay tuned for my "Conspiracies" post!

ANTM All Stars: WHEN TYRA BROKE MY HEART.

Last week was a recap episode and I figured that it'd be kind of pointless to recap a recap so I didn't. How dumb was I, for there was so much that we didn't get to see and how much I missed my gurl-fran Bre (especially with her strategy to force Bianca to do housework) and my girlfriend Kayla ("JEWS!") or Game possibly making designs to make Pullip his trophy wife. Or even Ms. Laura explaining the benefits of an orgasm to Shannon. But I digress...

TWO weeks ago, we bid a fond farewell to the curly mopped... uh, girl who wasn't memorable. What was her name again? Dominique? J-Lo? Yara Sofia? We (finally) are treated to an intro of sorts so I'm not entirely confused over why they just jump into the action. Well, that intro was more of a shill of what's to come. Oh sweet Jesus. The newly christened Miss Crabby Ass moans about being in the bottom for the FOURTH TIME (what's not clicking, Tyra?!) but continues her arrogant streak by proclaiming Dominique/Laquifa/Whatever her name was "a hater". Huh? Is she huffing Drunk Lisa's "Neon"? Speaking of, it's one of those rare moments of where MCA and I are almost on the same page, by that I mean it's Drunk Lisa's tendency to give her 2 cents for no apparent reason. She lost me on "2 cents and Bash Angelea Day". Hehe. I'll give her 2 point for that. Speaking of, Drunk Lisa talks but I ended up ignoring her (drink!) because I think she thought she was Dr. Drew.

Back at the Model Suite, Ms. Laura's photo is mirrored, making it look twice as awesome! Ms. Laura's happy! She talks about how close she came in the Midget cycle (she was runner up to Bloody Eyeball Nicole) and we're treated to home videos of her talking to cows. I really want her to win. But you'll get to see the impact of tonight's episode later. Drunk Lisa goes on to talk about how Ms. Laura is now her competition, but who cares about that. After footage of a gorgeous sunrise, the girls are greeted by Nigel for their challenge. Today, they will be auditioning for editor in chief/head zombie at Vogue Italia, Franca Sozzani. Since one of the ever growing prizes is to write a blog on Vogue's website, they're going to write a blog about how Greece has been to them thus far. Pick an outfit, get a car, travel to a nice location, take some pics (one with yourself in it), return, write, post. YOU HAVE THREE HOURS. Oh yeah, winner gets a week long trip back here with a friend. GO.

Well, Pullip is nervous (when isn't she?) since she's introverted and her cycle pretty much thrusted this into the limelight. MCA has never written a blog before but she plans to study broadcast journalism in college when she's done with the competition, proving models are not intelligent. Ms. Laura begins to worry as she's the last to leave (NO!) but she looks great. Luckily for her, she writes a blog already but it's mostly brief sentences and LOTS of pictures, not entirely like lengthy essays they're expecting at Vogue (or like these posts of mine). Drunk Lisa decides to showcase the clubs while Ms. Laura finds Pullip at the location she finds. Whatevs, she could've said, and shoots at the location anyway. Meanwhile, MCA finds the spot she can relate to the most: A ghetto. She points out she hasn't won a challenge yet but really hopes to win this one and also hopes people can relate to her blog post about living in the ghetto. As touching as that sounds, not *this* person. The girls return to type away but only moments later (on the TV, of course. Nigel isn't that cruel to pop in on the girls with 8 seconds left), Nigel enters, with Ms. Laura crying out the standard "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!". I really hope one of these entries they wrote ended something like...

"Greece is totally fun and everything. I mean, just look at the surroundings! And the fashion too! I'll tell you... crap Nigel's here and I have 8 seconds left. AH! Um.. wepgjinjtjhsklfjgsjofhpibjtiordlkfv,mfdkjhvstiuhjgsfkdl Tits."

Or even...

"I LOVE the surroundings, it reminds me of the time I lost my virgini"

Clearly, she meant "virginia tech sweatshirt at that restaurant", right? Okay, enough overactive imagination.


Tyra is really cruising for a bruising as she continues her shilling for her "fashion film" for her first novel "Modelland". This could prove interesting. And by interesting, I mean unintentionally hysterical. Or weak titted. Maybe the latter. Anyhow, Tyra Mail comes and it's pretty lengthy. WHAT COULD IT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNN? And why is MCA wearing a hideous pink sun hat? Mr. Jay greets the girls at the location. Oh hey, you're doing a motion editorial directed by none other than Ty-ty herself. She's plans to bring her first book EVAH to life. Jay says that it's a bestseller or something. Really? Cause my aunt would've told me about it. And then we'd laugh really hard. Nevertheless, it's a happier book version of this show. The modeltestants shall be portraying the protagonist, Tooke (pronounced Too-key). And they will be shooting this in two days. Neat!

Now, for my brief Bitch Pills moment. Why do I get the sinking suspicion that whenever someone gets a hold of a fancy camera, they think they're film directors on the verge of fame? We've already seen the music videos which were painful to watch and now we have to put up with this? I mean, not even this crap is good (I went there for I'm bitter. Aw waaah). Can't she stick to photos? Rant over.

The women are dressed in yellow chiffon dresses with LONG trains. For her individual segment, Drunk Lisa is Tooke's mom, holding Tooke as a baby. I'd hate to admit it but she does pretty great. Then, Ms. Laura is Tooke digging through garbage and Jay is worried that it'll look comedic. Tyra called it Saturday Night Live. Isn't this shoot just that? Now Ms. Laura is in a goooooooooooorgeous white dress because Tooke's favorite thing to consume is demon semen whipped cream and she's kind of worried that it'll look to erotic. Yes Tyra, let's give HER the erotic one, since she can't possibly go home for doing that again. I CALL SABOTAGE. MCA whines about how much work they're doing (compared to the 14 hour days you would be doing in the real world?) and poor Pullip's vampire eyes cannot take the sun. She soon pretty much is typecast as a cat girl (it's bad enough my aunt thinks she's an anime character already) and eats blood oranges. Along with bleeding lips by makeup. Ms. Laura thinks this high fashion crap Tyra's attempting to do is right up Pullip's alley, which it is if it were someone else doing this.

MCA has an emotional moment and breaks down to embody Tooke behind a ladder with a golden toothbrush. Oooookay then. Some more "I'm a fighter" spiel and Tyra acclaims her acting. No offense, but models are not the greatest actors. Meanwhile, in Italy, Franca Sozzani judges the blogs and Nigel will reveal the winner later. Pullip's blog is too short, Ms. Laura's blog isn't that great, Drunk Lisa's blog is okay and MCA's blog is pretty faboo. Gee, I wonder who'll win this... Sometime later, Drunk Lisa continues to exist when Nigel pops into the room with a present in hand (an addition for the winner). To the surprise of no one but Drunk Lisa, MCA wins and the present is a goooooold crown of olive leaves thingy. MCA celebrates by continuing to be grating.

Day two of Modelland nonsense. Mr. Jay brings up that the girls will be working with another co-star. Hmm, I wonder who it will-- (drools when Mr. Jay introduces Tyson Beckford) Well, take a wild guess who wets her pants? If you guessed Miss Crabby Ass, you are correct. Although, to be fair, Ms. Laura jumps on this train as well. The girls give misconstrued confessionals which Pullip doesn't say anything beyond a schoolgirl giggle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand oh dear God, Tyra's acting in this too... as Tooke with her crush (I guess). Tyson makes ME wet my pants when he says "Hey Tooke". Tyra makes me cringe when she sucks on his thumb. The models head to the beach to shoot the race scenes as Ms. Laura announces "300! Woman style!" Her love meter jumps higher than ever for that. Her dress also gets stuck on the stairs and the poor girl is pulling it to shreds, making me hope that these things were cheap. In order to keep the unpredictability of who'll win high, all the girls shoot their "Finale Winner Reveal" shots and Pullip still suffers from the vampire eyes. She's worried about panel because of this. Tyra Mail of doom arrives and MCA believes she will win. Because we all know that she'll do fantastically as a correspondent given her Bitch Pills moment last week.

PANEL TIME! Everyone but Ms. Laura, a too-tanned Nigel, and hunky delicious dreamboat Tyson are dressed in hideous abominations. We learn that the video is split into two parts, so we'll be treated to part one tonight and part two next week, WHEN IT ALL ENDS (Thank God). The video isn't particularly spectacular, though, as usual, I WANT THE DAMN MUSIC. At the end, each girl (and Tyra) say "I'm (name) and I'm Tooke." Out of all of them, I only liked Ms. Laura's.

Breakdown:
-Miss Crabby Ass gets high marks except for the running bits where she looks really funny jogging.
-Ms. Laura does well too, save for the whipped cream bit. Tyson would love to work with her since she's so sunshiney.
-Pullip looks great in the video but Tyson doesn't like how she didn't really engage with the camera.
-Drunk Lisa did pretty well but I didn't care for her, as usual. Basically, she's scolded for getting so focused she forgets what she's doing.

Deliberations are blah as normal... until we find out they get into a bloodbath over who should be eliminated FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. Even Ken Mok, the producer, yells at them to make a decision. And I want to punch ALT's face so badly for being so snippy. Tyson begs Tyra to override the decision they made, which, as we all know, she refuses to do. THIS ISN'T A TYRANNY. Nevertheless, it spelled doom for my emotions since I could tell what was coming.

Drunk Lisa gets her pass, and so does MCA so Team Heel is through to the finale. Team Face? Come on down. Ms. Laura, you're bubbly and, damn it, she should stay since Tyson likes her so much but they worry that because she's a member of my tribe (The Tribe of the Cute People), she can't be as high fashion as she could be. Pullip, you're the total opposite. You're quiet, shy BUT you're quirky. Epecially since odd is SPECIAL. WHO WILL IT BEEEEEEEEEEE?!

Pullip, you're in.

Tyra has successfully ripped out the last shred of my heart, thrown it in front of a truck, ran over it repeatedly, threw it off a cliff and shot it. A devastated Ms. Laura is confused, but, in my book, at least she won't live with the shame of actually winning this ridiculous cycle. She gives an emotional farewell speech confessional but the mood is killed by her uppity music video. My life is over.

Next week: IT ALL ENDS.

ANTM All Stars: Laura the Warrior aka "Bitch Pills"

Last week, holier-than-thou Shannon was shipped back to the states after her second photo refusal on this series. Jumping straight into the action, Man-Face/Sue Snell is happy to have won the top photo again and claims to be the dark horse of the cycle. You and so many others but this time I agreed. She delivers the whole standard "I'm doing this for my family" speech that we all get. BB Gun ponders why she was on the bottom while Man-Face got the top. After the photo comparison, it should've been the other way around. Yep. She's THAT delusional. Joining her on the delusion wagon is Drunk Lisa who feels that Pullip, while being her biggest competition, is kind of dead. BB Gun decides to show some essence of humanity by asking Ms. Laura how it feels to be a runner up her cycle and make it this far this time around. Ms. Laura confessionalizes that the competition is wearing BB Gun down and if her confidence is gone, SHE'S gone. I really hope this won't send Ms. Laura home... Anyway, Tyra Mail arrives with the dreaded words, "Tomorrow, you will meet with the judges..." AND THAT'S IT. Ms. Laura believes this to be the scariest Tyra Mail EVAH, considering she was almost knocked out last time.

After the opening, Miss J delivers the answer: No one's getting kicked off (well, not then and there) but, instead, they're judging each other! By the way, Miss J is wearing some chiffon toga and his hair is in one really freaky-deaky braid/crown thingy.

Which I sometimes rock... but it's not as obnoxious.

It's basically a mock go-see for them, which Ms. Laura predicts will be a train wreck. Nothing interesting happens other than BB Gun calling all the girls' walks sloppy. Ms. Laura, however, must be reading my mind when it comes to evaluating portfolios while BB Gun continues to be a mean girl and calls Ms. Laura's NeNe shot bad. And then Miss J has the girls go up one at a time and announce who they think doesn't deserve to be called an "All-Star" (which, frankly, should be all of them because the three members of Team Face (yep, Man-Face is a part of that now)). Ms. Laura, who has learned a lot, announces that none of them really deserve to not be all stars. At first, I thought she was being nice, but since Pullip and Drunk Lisa (who looks way older than 30) follow suit so... carry on. Man-Face, still rocking her Sue Snell curls which work for her, breaks the trend by stating that BB Gun doesn't quite deserve it.  Well, in approximately 2.4 milliseconds, BB Gun turns into Miss Crabby Ass and rolls her eyes. Man-Face backs her claims by telling Miss Crabby Ass (her nickname for the time being) that she has to OWN who she is, and not talk it. Man-Face is practically speaking from the heart and doing this out of love.  Ms. Laura agrees with Man-Face but Miss Crabby Ass won't have none of it. Drunk Lisa notes that anytime MCA is given any critique, she gets all pissy over it and thinks it's an attack. This is making Ms. Laura mad! Like, she is mad! WAY too mad! Like, verge of tears mad (Oh girl... I have been there too many times before. And you're handling it better than I ever will)! Her speech to MCA is pretty much a Terms of Endearment Oscar Worthy moment. Well, MCA claims that she's struggled the most out of the girls there and it degenerates into a screaming match.

Ms. Laura continues her warrior crusade but the deaf MCA won't have any of it. She babbles on and on about them "attacking" her. It's too painful to each watch. Miss J places his hands on Ms. Laura's and Pullip's because, God forbid, they would be the ones to leap across the table and beat Miss Crabby Ass' crabby ass to the curb (how I'd love to see that happen). In a hissy fit, MCA grabs her bitch pills storms out of the room in way that reminds me of those teen moms who wonder why they can't do anything fun anymore (could be the kid you bore, you dumbasses). Anyway, she's not buying into their "We're doing this because we love you!" bit. Oh, grow some balls. Ms. Laura is still soooooo mad because of MCA's ignorance. Man-Face laments that MCA isn't ready for this competition YET. She's not emotionally stable YET. SHE'S. NOT. READY. YET. DAMN IT. Poor Ms. Laura is still on the verge of tears (HUGS!). Well, Miss J manages to talk her into coming back inside so she assumes to cocky position that's never so flattering. In her opinion, she says none of them, but I'm not entirely sure if it was for whether they are deserving to be all stars or not. Probably the latter.

Now, scorecards! Let's hope no one swiped theirs only to find that, on a scale from one to 10, they got for dance, 10 but for looks, 3. WELL! (Stop it right now, mind). The weakest girl overall? Pullip. HUH? Well, MCA sure is shocked, given her spectacular meltdown (or bitch pill overdose). But the strongest? Ms. Laura! YAHOO!!! She was worried since she belongs to my tribe of people: The Cute tribe where no one expects them to be beyond that. Drunk Lisa astutely observes that this is her advantage since she's kind of a silent storm. Miss J has a surprise for them: A day sightseeing Greece! Man, do they need it. The modeltestants waltz down to a yatch where they find someone who could very well be Drunk Lisa in a few years: Greek Socialite (that's a profession?) Twylem Pyper. She's pretty much just your normal socialite, asking for the 411 and just lookin' to chill. MCA continues her whining over the mock-cast call but I won't put any other mentions in this post because NO ONE CARES, MISS CRABBY ASS. It's all about Twylem taking the group out for swimming and fun!

After swimming (where Ms. Laura reminds us of her water phobia), Twylem takes 'em out to the club for drinks! Well, boy can SHE knock down some shots but the girls are less willing to do so. Poor Pullip is offered a shot every ten seconds by this woman so she gracefully and grandfully tosses the drink over her shoulder. I like the way this chick thinks. Drunk Lisa continues her sobriety while Ms. Laura drinks like a fish. In the end, MOST of them have a grand ol' time. No time for hangovers for Tyra Mail arrives with... no words? Wait, what? Oh, it's a picture of the images you see on Greek vases. Pullip hopes that it's something about statues. They're driven off to another gorgeous place where I would be sobbing in its beauty. Mr. Jay and his way too tight shorts tells them they will be posing as the ancient Olympians (with a fashionable twist of course). Your photog? Why, Nigel Barker of course! Man-Face is nervous since he's a judge and everything (no shit. Drink!). She's given the javelin (which she mispronounces) and Nigel asks her to try not to kill him. Man-Face does okay but she's getting tired of being compared to J.Lo. MCA offers her pointless opinion. Pullip is given the discus and practices with a purse... wait, that's her prop? Weird. But clever. She's worried since she was voted as the weakest girl. Nigel thought she awkward while Mr. Jay of the short shorts clan says she started off weak but got stronger in the end. Of course she did. She's Pullip.
Drunk Lisa gets Hurdles. Drunk Lisa did hurdles in high school. Drunk Lisa is snippy because the judges have seen her jump twice in photos and doesn't want to be slammed for it again. Drunk Lisa decides to tell Nigel, which spells trouble. Drunk Lisa ends up jumping instead. That's all for Drunk Lisa.
Ms. Laura is especially nervous as an archer, due to the bottom two thing from last week. Luckily for her, her beloved sister is an archer (for hunting I suppose). Nigel is impressed to hear this AND nervous, considering Ms. Laura also knows how to castrate a bull. She's given a ridiculous veil to wear in front of her face so she knows she has to push through the damn thing to get a good picture. Nigel calls her a warrior princess, so I knew she was in the clear this week.
Then it's Miss Crabby Ass' turn for the shot put. She really screws up the name and her photo shoot is a bomb. GO HOME.
Tyra Mail of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM arrives. Man-Face ponders the possibility of the models being judges again. Let me laugh that out of my system. She's more terrified by the fact that the last time she shot with Nigel, she was sent packing. Will history repeat itself? Pullip is nervous since she didn't do so well while BB Gun is hoping her personality is her saving grace. Well, I'M hoping Miss J brings Tyra and Co. those wonderful notes of her bitch pill fest.

Panel time! I'm guessing Tyra's theme this cycle is ill fitting vests. The guest judge is Miss J since Twylem is probably drunk off her ass somewhere in Greece. He's still doing that braided hairstyle thing that Tyra is jealous of. Note to self: NEVER use that hairstyle when I'm around Tyra. Oh, and Tyra thought it was a cheeky idea to call the girls up by their atrocious theme songs. No, no, no. Anyways...

-Pullip's photo is surprisingly solid for me, but Andre Leon Talley doesn't like the heel of her shoe sinking into the ground.
-Drunk Lisa IS WEARING NORMAL CLOTHING FOR ONCE. AND SHE LOOKS DECENT. I wept in happiness. Anyway, she soars in her hurdles shot, but I'm not digging the face. ALT doesn't like that she didn't point her foot.
-Man-Face's photo is kind of blah, which is odd since I thought she did pretty well in the photo shoot. It's not very well liked.
-BB Gun/Miss Crabby Ass screws up her sport once again and her photo is weak. She also apparently spray painted her face. Tyra calls her photo DEAD.
-Ms. Laura is in a sunny sunshiney dress! Can you tell how happy I am that she's allowed to wear heels this cycle? And her photo is OH MY GOD, IT'S GORGEOUS. ALT. however, is pissy about her knee but Tyra (and the universe) disagrees. She likes how Ms. Laura's body and bow has the viewer's attention. AND she pushed through the veil!

Geez, was Andre Leon Talley on bitch pills too? Or maybe he's upset that KELLY CUTRONE is replacing him? Probably the former. Anyway, during deliberations, Nigel likes how personable Ms. Laura is. She always has some story to tell and you're never bored with her. Yay! After hearing about BB Gun's tantrum from Miss J, Tyra questions how well she could handle being a correspondent (as part of the prize). Going by the looks on the judges' faces, it's safe to assume that it's not good news about that.

Top girl, obviously, is Ms. Laura! Victory dance for overcoming being mad! Bottom two, obviously, is Man-Face and BB Gun. Man-Face, you take phenomenal photos, but you're oddly not that memorable. BB Gun, you were Miss Crabby Ass this week. You don't take as wondrous photos as Man-Face, but you are memorable. BUT, we're concerned about how easily you break under pressure and, to be frank, it's unnerving.

With that, MCA is saved due to her making interesting television. History does repeat itself as Man-Face/Sue Snell is eliminated. I also get the feeling that whoever wears a little black dress to panel is the one going home, but it's just a theory. Well, she can't wait to see her family again and blah blah blah grateful opportunity blah blah blah... wait, who was she again? We'll miss you, sort of sane woman!

Next time: Tyra directs another video editorial (I think) and Tyson Beckford! I can only assume BB Gun will have another pants wetting moment ("Rae'Chelle" sure did) but that maaaaaaaaaaaay be sidetracked by another meltdown. Or seven. UGH.

What I should've written for college.

I figured I should post something that wasn't ANTM related. So here we are.

I originally found this on my friend Sheila's abandoned myspace (yep. THAT old) and I thought it was absolutely hysterical. Enjoy.

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*This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.*

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet i receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer i toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off stress, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago i discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

ANTM All Stars: Quoth the model, "Never nude."

Last week, Alexandria of the Duck Lips clan (and who also earned the newer nickname "Glenn Close") was told to "Go, Go, Go" after that horrendous music video challenge where all the songs sound like they could be used in an Abby Lee Dance Company dance routine. (Meanwhile, I can't WAIT for season two of Dance Moms with Jabba the Lee [or, on other sites, Fatty Lee Miller and, my favorite, Fatty McDance] and the other delusional moms... and Dr. Holly). Now, I sort of missed the opening since my brother just had to finish watching Family Guy or else the oceans will dry up but I probably didn't miss much. BB Gun is taking this competition seriously (shit, really?) while the adorable Pullip is feeling great and confident as she sports a headwrap. I was hoping they were redoing makeovers and give these girls something wild and exciting like shaving their hair off or asymmetrical cuts to lilac grey hair (still something I'd almost want to try but, since it wouldn't be practical, we move on. Maybe copper hair? Thoughts?) Leatherface is definitely focused son and wants to win (drink). She also tells us that she gets thousands of emails from girls saying she's their role model, making the adios edit look somewhat noble.

It's lunchtime! The girls are excited (probably because Bianca still has the pickles) but what the hell is Drunk Lisa drinking? Man-Face reminds us of how boring she is by telling us she misses her two children who are way too young to deal with their mommy making a fool out of herself on national television. BB Gun reminds us on how far she'll fall from grace as she states that she wants to like Man-Face but kind of can't because she thinks Man-Face is an "actress" and fake. Huh? Chica, she is no actress. None of these girls are. Anywho, BB Gun can't wait to see Man-Face crack under the pressure. Drunk Lisa's delusional confessionals in this episode begins when they arrive home and see Pullip's marvelous video (I really hope they muted it at the home otherwise blood probably would've been shed). Drunk Lisa believes that Pullip isn't everything the judges are asking for and believes she herself is. Well, did Pullip go to rehab?

ALT enters wearing that hideous robe and kasa combination (STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN) to announce he has brought the girls dinner! Yay food! He's brought along two fahlaaayming dancing waiters (who I'm most definitely sure were hustling on rodeo drive and, unfortunately, ran into ALT. Spare the prostitutes!) Complete with porn/5th grade acting, they get mad at one another for screwing up the routine and proceed to break the large plates they were carrying. ALT proves that he really needs to brush up on his French as he disapproves of their "gauche" behavior (Their behavior was "left", Andre? Oh, wait, intelligence isn't welcomed in fashion). He brings up that breaking plates is a tradition in other countries... like GREECE. In celebration, the girls scream (what else) but also break lots and lots of plates. I love spontaneous fine china breaking! Reminds me of fun family gatherings, but I'm sure certain restaurants will never allow my family back in again after we broke a saucer, two glasses and my aunt scuffed the table with her shoe (keep in mind, we're not Greek. We're Irish). We're definitely party animals. ANYWHO, the gay guys return in togas (probably because they were tired of wearing shoes for twenty minutes) and they dance.

Ms. Laura is super duper excited about all this! She's proud that she's made it this far and being the shortest girl in the cycle (5'6"). Plus, she's never been overseas! Don't forget, she went to Hawaii because Tyra set a double standard on the midget cycle and decided they weren't going to go overseas to Japan, where the girls would be lost in the crowd of people around their height. This cycle is pretty much a whole bunch of firsts for her, as I totally forgot she never received a first call out her cycle but FINALLY got one this cycle (the MJ one)... actually, that's kind of sorry. Actually, I dedicated this paragraph to her because I haven't shown my love for her yet and I'd rather not continue the last paragraph with "She's excited!" only to follow with the freaky deaky opening. Anyway, the freaky deaky opening plays, and it's sort of growing on me. I miss Kayla. Just saying.

The women quickly pack all their belongings and are zoomed over to Athens, Greece, with gorgeous tourist video shots. BB Gun proves how shallow she is by thanking Tyra for providing her with a free vacation once again (what? Australia wasn't enough for you?) Well, they aren't staying in Athens for very long as Miss J and some gorgeous Greek woman whose name I forgot (it's Vicky Kaya, host of Greek Next Top Model equivalent. Thank you Wikipedia). They're off to the island of Crete for a press conference where they must deliver a one minute speech. Drunk Lisa continues her delusional confessionals by emphasizing what it means to be an all star and blah blah blah, oh shut up, you're not all that. You're just another dancing monkey on a whack-a-doo show which I obsess over because it's that entertaining and ridiculous to see grown women cry over hair. The prize is an EXPENSIVE PIECE OF JEWELERY. OOOoooooooooooo! Immediately, I knew Ms. Laura was in trouble due to her lysdexia-- um, DYSLEXIA which, luckily, was kept at a minimum. The girls have the whole flight over to work on their speeches but Miss J notices that BB Gun isn't doing anything. Her excuse? She plans to speak from her heart, or something like that, and she feels that writing it down won't make it genuine anymore. I sort of agree there but this isn't Charm School. And she, too, is wearing a head wrap. Are they trying to be Little Edie? Ms. Laura is now nervous because important people are there at the airport to hear them talk. Important people like the mayor! And the newspapers! Bless her heart.

Drunk Lisa emerges from the plane first and attempts to stop her microskirt from blowing up due to the strong winds and revealing she's not wearing panties. She kind of bombs her speech by ending it with an American "rock n' roll" battle cry. Crickets. Pullip's turn and she does her best from keeping her hair from flying in her face. She does pretty well, even though it sounds like a high school speech class assignment riddled with Greek words that Greek Model Host thought she pronounced well. And, oddly, I wasn't bored too. Leatherface delivers a dumpy speech and tried too hard. Man-Face and her hideous dress does so-so but what is it with these girls fascination with Greek food? Oh wait, they're models. They don't eat. IT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH WHEN LAURA GOES. Unfortunately, the Wind god isn't in her favor and she can't read her speech without it ripping from her hands so she delivers an enthusiastic speech from the top of her head, complete with inaccurately saying she'd be Venus (That's Roman. It's APHRODITE. Still love you) and speaking a questionable attempt at Greek. Hey, it's something I'd do too. BB Gun does okay until she blows it by asking "where the baño at", and continues to screw up by proudly saying that baño in Greek means bathroom. Really, 'cause here I thought it sounded like Spanish. Miss J tells them that they'll know the winner later at their new home away from home.


The girls are transported to the Blue Palace resort and spa and I immediately felt the urge to move and live there. The girls explore their new digs complete with Ms. Laura dancing in the bathroom just 'cause she could. Miss J is waiting for them and delivers his criticism. Man-Face was a bit nervous, Leatherface was "excited" but not nearly as excited as Ms. Laura, which was SUPER-CHEERLEADER-EXCITED!!!!! Pullip was fantastic (duh) and Drunk Lisa was dressed innappropriately. All this time, she thought politicos loved skimpy outfits. Yeah, they love them on secretaries with bad perms, they themselves don't wear them, you idiot (also, thanks for making me vomit as an image of George W. Bush wearing a teddy emerged in my thoughts). BB Gun realizes her "bathroom" attempt was a mistake and Man-Face confessionalizes that she wished she coulda helped her. Oh well.


The winner is Pullip! Yay! She wins a gorgeous bracelet (that I could probably find at Hot Topic and spray paint it gold but, still, it's nice) by jeweler person Lina Fanouki who named it the "Scarlett O' Hara" ("Prissy" [one of my alters/characters] emerged at this point expressing disdain that it wasn't named after her. She left to "pray" about Mrs. Pierce and tell the congregation all about it... nyeh, you had to be there). Drunk Lisa or BB Gun... well, one of the members from Team Heel claimed that Pullip won by default. Sucky sewer losers don't get prizes for stanky attitudes.


Mr. Jay pops in the next morning to reveal that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVAH, the models get to collaborate with a BIG NAME DESIGNER to create their runway finale gown. Man-Face is excited since she would feel like a celebrity like Beyonce or J-Lo. Get some better references, woman. Anyway, creepy designer Michael Cinco helps 'em out. Wanna bet Drunk Lisa's coming up with something skanky? Oh, Mr. Jay adds, don't forget only two of you will get their dress. Well, duh, we knew that. The girls get 5 minutes with Creepypants but it's not that interesting, even when Man-Face wants something sparkly dangling from her crotch. Poor Ms. Laura feels sick the next morning but she's a trooper for going to the photo shoot. Y'know, with her sunburn drama her cycle and the sick factor now, maybe they shouldn't let her travel outside of the country anymore.


The photoshoot will have the girls posing in a gigantic Greek salad bowl (complete with salad) and pose in underwear... but the predictable happens when Leatherface's leather face falls. She has made it VERY CLEAR THAT SHE DOESN'T POSE IN LINGERIE. Oh, get over it. At least it's not in the nude. (PS I love that the remaining members of Team Face, Ms. Laura and Pullip, are doing that close friends support thingy, probably because Ms. Laura doesn't have the energy to stand). Pullip thinks the undawears look like bathing suits and she thinks it's adorable. Aww! Leatherface whines to the dresser woman but she shoots her down. You go, dresser woman!
Man-Face goes first and she wants the audience at home (yes, THEY KNOW WE'RE WATCHING) want to do things like this too. Well, *I'M* definitely game (act surprised). She's elated due to the positive feedback since, during her cycle, she was often criticized for looking hoochie or draggy. Leatherface states that she wants this but doesn't want to do this shoot due to her beliefs. Drunk Lisa is "happy" for Leatherface for handling it well. I just bet she's happy because she knows Leatherface could get her ass shipped back to the states for this protest (which BB Gun states for us a bit later. Shocker). Nevertheless, Mr. Jay basically calls her hypocritical. In the end, Leatherface sticks to her guns and refuses to do the shoot. It was nice knowin' ya, sweetie.
BB Gun goes and doesn't do that great since she's kind of weak physically as a person. Ms. Laura is miserable. She has a headache and her stomach hurts (poor thing. Seriously) so she and a member of the crew decide to walk it off. Pullip finally admits to being a vampire-- oh, wait, she has vampire eyes meaning that her eyes are super sensitive to bright sunlight. She also compares stepping into the salad to stepping into organs. JOIN THE FAMILY, DARLING. Her eyes are closed throughout the whole shoot which could mean trouble. Drunk Lisa is excited as always but, behind the scenes, Mr. Jay calls her a mean girl. My love is solidified for this man. Basically, she pours olive oil on her bum and acts like she's in a porno. GO HOME. Ms. Laura is worried that she won't be able to give it her all and that, even though Leatherface didn't participate, she could still stay, thus placing her for elimination. She doesn't do so well and Mr. Jay thought she looked like a little girl than a model, which unfortunately reminded me of that French company that's making lingerie FOR NINE YEAR OLDS (open at your own risk).


The Tyra Mail of Doom arrives and Pullip notes that they can't expect the obvious that Leatherface is going home because, hey, who knows with Crazy Tyra? Speaking of, Leatherface is nervous about explaining herself to the judges, which I think is because she doesn't have someone to fall back with like when she refused to pose nude. At panel, Tyra continues to think wearing a tight green vest is going to work but finally manages to return to us here in fashion land where she embraces the 70's trend and wears not-tight fitting pants. The photographer is the guest judge so no one cares about him. And now, the breakdown...


-Pullip models off her new bracelet. Nigel thinks her photo is pretty good, even with her eyes closed. I agree.
-BB Gun looks like a man in her photo, for me, but it's okay. However, she admits that she felt awkward, which makes the photographer admit that if she felt awkward, so did her, and that's no good.
-Drunk Lisa is in yet another hideous outfit and her photo isn't so great. The photographer thought she was confused and Tyra thinks that it looks more like a swimsuit shot. Can't anyone just LISTEN to what the objective is for these shoots?
-Leatherface... has no photo y'all! While Nigel slams her for her beliefs, Tyra notes that it's nice to see someone with some restrictions than those girls who are willing to do ANYTHING in the business (in the bad sense). Instead, the judges will look at her body of work throughout the cycle, sealing the deal on her fate.
-Man-Face sports a curly mane and some weird looking outfit which makes her look a lot like Amy Irving in Carrie. (btw, I never knew she was the one singing this! Weird!) Her photo is all sorts of uh-mazing.
-Ms. Laura is looking as sweet as ever, but her pic is a dud. Nigel calls it erotic. NOOOOO! DON'T SEND HER HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!


Deliberations aren't interesting as always as Tyra is the only one defending Leatherface's hypocrisy. She thinks girls need a stance like hers in the modeling world. Then again, Tyra is the one who usually points out that the modeling world DOESN'T CARE about those beliefs. She's not changing the world.


Man-Face/Sue Snell wins the top spot, of course. The southern chicks Ms. Laura and Leatherface? Come on down! WOW is Ms. Laura short! WHAT COULD BE IN TYRA'S HANDS? BLANK PIC, BRA PIC? Torment? Torture? The lady, the tiger--- oh wait, wrong show. *Ahem* Tyra wants to know what Ms. Laura's brand word is (loveable) and tells her that her photos haven't been living up to that. Just what the hell is Tyra huffing? Leatheface, however, is pure to her brand and Tyra admires that nobility, but the others find it confusing.


To the surprise of absolutely no one, Leatherface is eliminated. Tyra tells her it wasn't just the photoshoot this week but her performance was kind of sucky this time around. She never got a top photo or won a challenge and, frankly, was kind of boring. Well, Leatherface isn't too upset. She has no regrets and believes she handled herself with class (thank goodness) and we get to hear her theme song and see her Neutrogena video one last time.


Next week: The girls go get wasted. They are also asked to critique each other in the first cycle's judging room as BB Gun reverts to the bitchy, classless cycle 12 auditioner who can't take criticism well as she claims the girls "attacking her" where Ms. Laura the Warrior fires back "Well, *YOU'RE* attacking *ME!*"

The Project Runway Finale and the death of Reality Show suspense (for me anyway)

So, I missed the final episode of the recent season of Project Runway because I went to a Halloween party at school (and had a grand ol' time! My back and hips were sore for a whole week!) but, thanks to teh internets, I still found out who won. Then, last night, I finally got around to watching the episode (via OnDemand *crosses self*) but, since there's nothing so gripping about the designers crying for an hour, I'll go with a simple review of what I thought of the collections.
Kimberly's looked totally all over the place. I only liked the dress that Tim and she thought "popped" on the runway. But that bubble skirt was hideous.
Joshua's wasn't much better, and he definitely needs a slap across the face. No one likes 'tudes like that, honey. I did like how he managed to tone down his loud tastes (I thought the green he used was nice), but it wasn't that wonderful.
Viktor's collection was nice and chic, of course, but I felt that it was very, VERY restricted and uncomfortable.
Anya's pieces looked absolutely lovely and you can definitely tell they were "Anya" pieces. I kind of wished she didn't have so many girls walking in flats, but, then again, who wears high heels in the Caribbean (aside from that paparazzi whore Courtney Stodden)?
However, no interesting music for me to search.

Other tidbits: Silver shoes and short dresses don't mix well at 3 AM, especially after watching the "Our America" episode where Lisa Ling investigates sex trafficking in the DC area. And Anya almost made me want to buy/ask for a pair of those Minnetonka Boots. Almost (Although, it's really hard to find boots that I like that are fashionable. However, I can only find pairs that look like I work on a construction site or as hideous as the ones Joshua wore. And the ones I do like are women's, and they look weird on me. But fringe? No no.).

Anyway, Anya the Great won? YAY!!... And, for some strange reason, not particularly that surprising. Don't get me wrong, the sheer fact that she only came into the competition with only 4 months of sewing experience and a presence that made it seem like she had sugar cookies somewhere on her person. Plus, she killed a cockroach with a stiletto. But, for strange reason, I wasn't totally surprised. Could it be that the other designers weren't as particularly memorable/talented/only had prunes stashed in their underpants? *Shrugs*

But, what's really strange is that it's happening a lot in the reality competitions I've been watching. So I'm either really clairvoyant or something shady is going on behind the scenes. Or the winners are truly that talented/amazing that it wasn't much of a stretch to tell they were going to win. It's probably that last one I mentioned... or the first, but definitely not the second.

I'll start with the past two winners from ANTM... first with ANN WARD. The unpredictable beauty from Dallas, TX who had a deep man voice and stood at an usual 6'2" (though, in my family, particularly on my mother's side, she'd fit in just fine. I mean, most of my aunts and my grandpa stand at about 6 feet tall or taller. My mother was 5'8" and I'm a little under 5'10". On my dad's side, however, she'd look like a freak since no one is taller than 5'6"). But, with 5 straight first call outs, there's no chance Ann was going to lose to that, uh, other girl who had no FCOs at all... what was her name again? Chelsey? Stacey? Queen Potatoes? That Blonde-Always-Running-Behind-ANN-Chick? Plus, the Italians were practically fawning over her. And, when someone like Diane Von Furstenberg says you have a big career in this, well, that pretty much seals the deal.
Then, we look at "Trailer Park" Brittani from cycle 16 (and, oddly, because of her and my Aunt Nora, I realized I barely have any friends named Brittani/Brittany/Britteny/Brittanee/etc. to our surprise). Her sob story of growing up in a trailer park, her phenomenal makeover which also earned her my nickname "Lucille" and somewhat winning personality? Winner material right there. Though, "Sailor" Molly was definitely winner worthy too so who knows really.

Of course, there's Miss Melanie Moore, whose presence was so magnificent, I gave her lots of nicknames when she competed in SYTYCD (settling on "THE Queen Melanie"). There was no way she was going to lose after seeing her audition piece (and solos). Plus, no bottom two appearances, always high marks for the pieces she did... she earned that 47% voting sweep that made her the winner. Also, I WANT HER HAIRSTYLE.

And then there's Raja from Drag Race. Now, to be honest, I've never really watched the show before and the only reason I watched this season was because I recognized Raja (Sutan Amrull) as one of the makeup artists on ANTM for a few seasons. Compared to the other queens, it was kind of easy to see that Raja definitely had experience that they didn't really have, especially since she was 36 when she competed and has been in the business for over 20 years.

So my question is... have these kinds of competitions become too predictable now? Or is it a way to keep the general audience happy? Or maybe I'm just thinking about things too much.

ANTM All Stars: It Ain't Over till the Crazy One Makes You Sing

Well, this particular episode was pretty much shit, to be perfectly frank, and I don't care if many four lettered words come flying out in this recap. No, it has nothing to do with my other girlfriend, Kayla, being eliminated last episode. But I digress...

The remaining gals are both surprised (really?) and relieved that Bianca was finally given the heave ho. What I don't get is why some of them were talking about the "surprise" elimination. Last episode, they were all suspecting it to be a double so it wasn't that much of a surprise for anyone. BB Gun insists that she IS the all star. And I'm the Queen of France. Drunk Lisa immediately loses whatever form of redemption she gained from the previous episode by announcing, "IT'S ME AGAIN!" as soon as they arrive home. She continues by saying that it's karma and it's definitely what she deserves ...yeah, a boot for her ass. Since monkey poo hasn't been flung in her face yet, karma will have to take a back seat. Pullip and Ms. Laura, the remaining members of Team Face, have a nice discussion and Pullip admits that's she's just a teensy bit introverted. No time to dwell on that as Tyra Mail arrives... but it's a video message from a ridiculously adorable little girl named Madison. She's teaching them how to put on makeup (Drunk Lisa, take some notes!). She's, like, 6. Man-Face tells us she's a "Youtube Sensation", which is when I was starting to not like where this episode was going. Madison tells 'em to "keep the beat", to which BB Gun suggests that it has something to do with music.

As it turns out, she's right on the money. The next day, Mr. Jay tells them that they are given the chance to go VIRAL by writing their own songs and making their own music videos. Okay, I won't be fucking around but these girls are in no way viral worthy material. They shouldn't have to subject themselves to that kind of crap. Why am I being so critical about this subject? Well, for starters, Mr. Jay provides the answer by pointing out the viral impact music sensations Rebecca Black and Justine Bieber had. Oh, I definitely know that impact. The impact of the strong desire to hurl bricks at them. And I don't want to do that to Ms. Laura (though, she'd probably deflect bullets with her lovable charm)!
Second, it seems like everyone and their mother wants to make it big by going viral, and most fail miserably/end up embarrassing themselves (which is why I never post any of my "Dear..." videos on Youtube... or of "Rae'Chelle"). Even close people I know who are trying to do this via skits where they use the same tired crutch and the misuse of the word "gay" no matter how many scathing, sarcastic remarks I make about it. And they wonder why I'm so pissy? Well,  maybe it's because I don't like shit on a stick.

Rant sort of over.

The girls get 20 minutes to listen to the tracks made for them already (handy) so all they have to do is write the lyrics. The girls with the BEST lyrics gets a visit from her loved one. Leatherface wants to win because she hasn't seen her husband in the past month! JUST ONE MONTH?! Weaktit. Basically, it's all shots of the girls writing music and telling us at home (and the guy who does something in the music industry, I forgot who he was and what he does) what the lyrics mean and if he likes it. Drunk Lisa has a bit of an edge since she's a musician so no surprise that she wins. Poor Pullip is having a hard time because she's can't sing! And she's having difficulty trying to come up with lyrics. She ends up being inspired by her dad who passed away a year-- y'know, I've had enough of the dead relatives already. You can tell from my previous Project Runway post. Nevertheless, the guy LOVES the lyrics. Yay!

It's here where I sort of wondered what kind of dance floor anthem Kayla would have sung, but since it would have the word "Free" thrown around like a hot potato, I'm glad we'll never know. Anyhow, Music Man tells the girls it came down to two: BB Gun and Drunk Lisa, with the latter winner. BB Gun exclaims, "This bitch needs to stop winnin'!" And Drunk Lisa gets to meet her fiance, whom I suspect must have remarkable fortitude. He seems like a sweet man, and with that camera shot of the bed, we know they were shackin'. Yawn. The next day, the girls arrive at the Village recording studio place and Music Man throws a little twist: The girls must incorporate the phrase "Pot Ledom" into their songs. What in blue balls name does that mean? Is Tyra promoting her own line of cannabis? BB Gun quickly (and eeriely) answers: It's "Top Model" backwards! Uh, while true, it's not. Technically, it's modeL toP backwards. Backwards, it'd have to be ledom pot. You know, like redrum. Or racecar. The sheer fact that I figured this out scares me. Send help. Preferably Xanax. Or Paxil. Pullip freaks out once again, but at this point I stopped caring for a bit. Girl, I want to be best friends with you, BUT THIS IS THE DUMBEST CHALLENGE I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW! Don't cry! We still love you!

During the recording session, Drunk Lisa decides to go last so she won't be influenced by the other girls... and they won't be influenced by her. Uh, sure. Most of these girls kind of sound pretty good. Kind of. And they have a grand old time dancing around in the studio. It's nice to see some humanity in them. The moment of truth comes when Pullip records her song. BB Gun panics about Pullip's ANN WARD factor: The one where she can do no wrong. Well, Pullip starts a'singin' and BB Gun starts a'swearin' (comically), though Pullip's voice sounds NOTHING like her. It's spooky. Duck Lips records her song and ponders the possibility of becoming a recording artist. Well, as long as we don't have to see you on shows like this again, go for it. She also dons sunglasses, which Man-Face believes is helping Duck Lips get into character. Are these girls' brain cells dying over the course of this challenge? Don't answer that. Leatherface thinks Drunk Lisa could be a star, but I only wrote that because I was laughing too much. Then the fiance comes and goes.

It's time to shoot the music videos as Mr. Jay nearly runs over the girls in a car. He is impressed and so proud of what they all accomplished so far. Poor Pullip just wants to get this over and done with. He brings up the viral bullshit once again. He also brings in the director for all the videos, rapper Game. BB Gun wets her pants once again. Seriously, how many times is this lady going to go crazy whenever a celebrity who shoulda had better sense enters the foray? Do you see the other girls doing that? I don't want to know what happens if Whitney Houston comes by. Thankfully, there are much fewer girls left so I can shove them all into the next paragraph about what happens...

Man-Face looks and sounds like a J. Lo drag queen. She keeps dropping it like it's hot when she's REALLY just dropping cause she's a klutz. Duck Lips, who's song at first sounded like a Kylie knock off, is told she must be MARRIED to the car but doesn't do much of anything. Game says, "Not enough time to put oil in the Tin Man". Love= Skyrocketed. Before the shoots continue, Tyra enters in a ridiculous $2 costume with "Pot Ledom" (another phrase I never want to hear for a while, like free. Both backwards and forwards). Assisting her in the crazy bid for attention is Youtube celebrity Keenan Cahill, who I never watched on Youtube anyway so who cares. So, no, this crap ain't going viral. Leatherface stars in a Neutrogena commercial and Drunk Lisa impresses Man-Face. Ms. Laura looks like she's either on the set of Saturday Night Live or doing a remake of Puddle of Mudd's "She Hates Me". Duck Lips sings some of Ms. Laura's song since she loves it so much. Eee! BB Gun looks like a mess and Pullip and Game engage in a deep conversation over their recently departed loved ones (her dad, his grandma). Yay, more humanity! She is wearing Esther's nightdress (from Orphan) and I'm positive the video will give my Aunt Mary Ann nightmares. Bless her heart. This is code for my liking it. Bless my heart. She's proud of herself, especially given all the panic attacks she's been having because of it.

Because I needed to listen to some decent music, I just opened my music player when this Victoria's Secret commercial started playing. It took me 15 seconds to locate the music.

Panel time (with no Tyra Mail!)! Tyra is wearing an unfortunate blazer (sobs), ALT is back in his gumpa hat (more sobs) and Nigel and Game look decent. Tyra proves why she should never sing ever again by belting out Mariah style... BREAKDOWN

-Man-Face, "Tooch Ya Booty". It's Rumble Roses material. This means it's BAD. But not so bad. Tyra tells her to exaggerate her mouth so it looks like she's really singing. A bit too late for that advice...
-Ms. Laura, "Southern Sweet Girl". She REALLY looks like Courtney Love now. I just wish she did more in her video. COME JOIN OUR FAMILY, SWEETHEART.
-BB Gun, "I'm Here". Another Rumble Roses entrance song. Her video was as flat as Kansas but she recognized that she sucked and can definitely do much better. Good for you! It's during this critique where Tyra notes that people are listening to music now with their eyes so BB Gun really should have been punching in her video. Uh, not according to almighty songbird Adele who quipped a few months ago, "I make music for the ears, not for the eyes." Another one to join the family (Adele I mean).
-Duck Lips, "Go, Go, Go..." Remember when I said it sounded like a Kylie knock off? I take that back. The song's okay, the video sucks as she doesn't do anything interesting.
-Leatherface, "World Go Round". She looks a bit like Natasha Bedingfield/Sheryl Crow in the video. Nigel doesn't see the glint in her eye. Maybe she was trying to pull a Pullip moment.
-Drunk Lisa, "I Be like Whoa!" Girl, you're not Lady Sovereign. ALT thinks she has Missy Elliot's energy. It's pretty solid, I'll admit.
-Pullip, "Underwater". It reminded me a LOT of Kerli's videos and it could have been three times better without the Blunder Twins hogging the screentime. If it were just her, it would've been great. Nevertheless, I'D BUY THE DAMN SONG. Game says she is WEIRD (in the best way possible) and Tyra says she was penetrated emotionally.

Was Tyra really serious with this "viral" shit?

Top girl: Pullip! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Bottom 2: Duck Lips and BB Gun

Duck Lips, you have potential but your video SUCKED. BB Gun. It's your third time in the bottom. Your video made everyone uncomfortable.

Well, Duck Lips gets sent packing. She cries, natch, and she's proud of how far she's gone. Or something like that. We won't really miss you.

NEXT WEEK: Gumpa ALT is back in the kasa (WHY?!), the girls head for Greece and there's an underwear shoot! GUESS WHO'S NERVOUS.

ANTM All Stars: 2 Flew out of the Cuckoo's Nest

Last week, Bre was sent packing, thus breaking my heart. After panel, Drunk Lisa bemoans that, out of the girls remaining, she was closest with Bre, mostly because they competed in the same cycle. I'm pretty sure Drunk Lisa also did a victory dance since, in their cycle, Bre placed higher than her. Anyway, she notes that Bitchyanka no longer has a bodyguard and calls her a child. Meanwhile, Duck Lips/Glenn Close whines (drink!) about being in the bottom 2 again (drink!). She almost starts to cry (drink!) when she was told she looked like a reality show contestant than a model in the last photo shoot with the ever ravishing Coco Rocha. Elsewhere, Leatherface misconstrues her criticism of being more "edgy" with being "raunchy"... something that does not compute with her database. And Bitchyanka continues to fall from grace when she claims that Man-Face's photo makes her "cringe" and that the house is "clique-y" and compares the girls to hyenas. Tell us something we don't know.

BB Gun chimes in the confessional about the tensions occurring between the girls. Since this show is nothing without immaturity, a fight about using the shower next erupts between Bitchyanka and Duck Lips. IT'S A GODDAMN SHOWER, WAIT YOUR TURN. GOD! Duck Lips advises Bitchyanka to "GROW. UP*PUH*." I think Duck Lips needs to SHUT. UP*PUH*. Bitchyanka now understands why Duck Lips wasn't really well liked in her cycle, followed by flashbacks that are just ever so flattering. And Duck Lips, once more, complains about being real. Puh-lease.

The opening comes and goes and there's Tyra Mail! It's riddled with money terms so that's what the girls assume. It's mirror time as Kayla Free and Bitchyanka engage in a civilized conversation about what their strengths and weaknesses are. Kayla Free confessionalizes about the TRUE MEANING of this cycle is heavily placed on personality, which is something she realizes she doesn't have compared to the rest of this motley crew and Ms. Laura. It is here where I realize that this is her adios edit so I spent a majority of the episode trying not to cry. The girls are sent to the rooftop of the Roosevelt Hotel and this is where I recognized that it's the place where one of the fights in Charlies Angels: Full Throttle took place. Yes, I have no life since I remember that. Nigel tells them all that they're going to be making and marketing their own fragrances! Kayla Free's excited because, well, basically every celebrity in existence has their own fragrance out (possibly out of desperation). This dude named Ben will assist in helping them make their fragrances because I highly doubt science and modeling results in a happy marriage.

The names are kinda dinky as the girls are still going by their "value" words from the second episode. Drunk Lisa names her fragrance "Neon" and I assume that it'll send the customer on an acid trip. Ms. Laura calls her "Love" and Man-Face's is "Survivor". Leatherface names her fragrance "Smitten" as she believes that the word is "pure and angelic". I think she's been huffing "Neon" a little too much. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention because Drunk Lisa opened her yap and her confessional look was... well, take a wild guess. BB Gun, unsurprisingly, names her damn spray after herself. Yawn. Pullip aptly names hers "Honey Blood", the name alone would make me buy the stuff in a heartbeat (along with that Raven Eye makeup from L'Oreal). Why such a weird name? Well, remember her fascination with blood? And how Tyra told her how she used to get nosebleeds all the time? And what was Pullip's response?

JEALOUS.

Off topic- As a joke, I attempted to emulate this photo a while back and posted it on Facebook to get some opinions.

My friends said I was prettier.

Kayla Free names her fragrance... get ready for this... oh my God here it comes... FREE. It's here where
 I was POSITIVE she was getting the heave-ho. At least she managed to retell her sad, sad saga of sleeping in a sleeping bag until she was 14/in high school since she didn't have a bed. I still sleep in a sleeping bag, but that's because I am, by nature, a lazy person. Bitchyanka, in what is the fugliest fur vest I have ever seen, calls her fragrance "candid" but the top prize for the dumbest name goes out to Duck Lips and her fragrance "Diamondnatrix". Another "Neon" huffer I assume. She continues to waste lives by going through EVERY fragrance to get the right one. BB Gun falls asleep and Bitchyanka sort of redeems herself by comparing to the time wasted by Duck Lips to the seasons flying by. Ha!

After the fragrances are off to be made, Nigel tells them they will be marketing their par-fumes (and bath soaps which I had no idea was a part of this) to the public at a party that night and Leatherface does a celebration dance. Aw! Oh yeah, because the show would be nothing without a little dose of Tyra crazy, they're doing this in bathtubs... just what in God's name is going on this cycle? What's next, riding drunken ostriches? Anyway, winner is immune from being eliminated and Kayla Free, continuing the adios edit, points out the obvious benefits of being immune.

Bitchyanka, on the other hand, points out how unrealistic this challenge is. According to her, even Tyra would do this crap! (Uh, I bet she has/had this in mind for a few cycles now so, yes, she is that insane) She wants to be taken seriously as a model! Well, okay then. Shut up, stop eating, sit and pose. That serious enough for you? Bitchyanka goes into a Drunk Lisa-esque rant (drink!) and Drunk Lisa, according to my sister, should never ever do her own makeup ever again.

After a recap from the ever charming Ms. Laura, the guest judge is EVA THE DIVA from cycle 3! YAY! But what the hell has she done to her hair?! At first, I sort of liked it from the promos I saw from that Hair Wars spectacular thing on Oxygen but now it just looks... bad. Whatever, I still love her. The girls begin the shilling as Ms. Laura pulls out the love and charm while Drunk Lisa pulls out the acid trip. The girls also jump into the tubs for some bath time (clothed, obviously) and my sister points out that Ms. Laura looks like Courtney Love, finally giving my answer to who she looks like now.

Nigel sees Kayla Free's nervousness from a mile away and I began sobbing. Pullip explains her "Honey Blood" fragrance to her now disturbed fans and Drunk Lisa continues to act like she's on a drug trip by splashing around and encouraging the party goers to dance in the tub with her. It pissed me off but if Miss Eva says she's having fun because Drunk Lisa is having fun, then I would have fun too. Bitchyanka, of course, is appalled by Drunk Lisa's behavior and I would agree with her more except for the fact that SHE'S SO STUCK UP SHE WON'T GO INTO THE TUB. Ugh... Kayla Free notes that in modeling (or any fun career, really), you're going to have to do a lot of things you don't want to do. I think a bath tub is nothing compared to working with bees or rolling around in garbage. Eva criticizes Leatherface for doing nothing but selling herself really and my love for Nigel rocketed as he, while basically ripping Bitchyanka to shreds, took a plunge in her bathtub IN HIS CLOTHES.

Post party, it is revealed that a new prize for the winner of the cycle has been added and it is to be the face of the ANTM fragrance, because being a part of this isn't rewarding enough (yeah right). The winner? Drunk Lisa, naturally. Now we get to put up with her for another week. Fan-friggin-tastic. Bitchyanka tells us that she would change anything she did tonight... other than her shoes. Go home. The next day, Tyra Mail says something about "Going along for the ride". Hmm... well, Mr. Jay has the answer for us. The photo shoot, taken at night, will be the girls portraying either Nene Leakes or Snooki on a motorcycle while on the back of a moving truck. I think this is because Mr. Jay wouldn't want them standing around looking like streetwalkers (more so). Drunk Lisa is excited (drink).

Duck Lips is pissed since last week she was called out for looking like a reality show cast member (SHE *IS* A REALITY SHOW CAST MEMBER) and now, she HAS to look like one and make it high fashion. Kayla Free decides to get into her Snooki character by acting like a hot mess (tee hee!) and grinding on Drunk Lisa, probably because she knew that Drunk Lisa would be the only one who would let her. Again, nightmares. And the photographer is revealed to be commonly used Mike Rosenthal who has shot for this series for god knows how long. Whatever happened to Tracey Bayne? Ms. Laura embraces her inner Nene and arrives on set in a voice I would never recognize coming out of her. She looks pretty good in short hair and does a rocking job. Kayla Free's up next as Snooki but Mr. Jay points out that, with the douchebags trying to get on camera and running after the truck, she gets distracted easily. Still sobbing.

BB Gun goes up as Nene (Angelea Nene made me giggle way too hard) and does a meh job. But some douche thinks she was Tyra so she was flattered. Back in the dressing room/whatever it's called where they get ready, Drunk Lisa is a little worried because she has no idea who Nene Leakes is or how she acts so she asks Bitchyanka for help. Bitchyanka is shocked that these girls don't watch as much television as she does (could it be that they're out pursuing professional modeling careers? You know, like the one you keep bringing up?) Bitchyanka offers some help but catches herself because "it's still a competition". Ugh... anyhow, Drunk Lisa doesn't irritate me as much this time and does very well. Pullip goes up as Snooki but was forgettable and Man-Face, true to Snooki fashion, looked drunk. Bitchyanka pulls out a surprise tactic by utilizing a jar of pickles, Snooki's alleged favorite food, into her shot. But, continuing her fall from grace, she refuses to share. Leatherface is unhappy because she's also Snooki but Pullip is pissed, even asking "What the fuck?!" All she wanted was a pickle to eat! DON'T LET THE POOR GIRL STARVE, BITCHYANKA!

It's finally Bitchyanka's turn as Snooki. She places the pickle in her mouth. Take a wild guess what Mr. Jay has to say. If you guessed that it looked like a penis and was way too phallic, you are correct. So he takes the pickle away from her (though, after mentioning the word "penis", I can only imagine what else he did with that penis--eh, pickle... not helping. STINKY BUM BUM NIGHTMARES). She sucked. Duck Lips complains about her wig (drink!) and all she does for her Nene is the finger wave... for the whole shoot. She fell flat. GO HOME. Leatherface goes and attempts to be a "tame Snooki" but Mr. Jay sees that all she does is go into her safety zone. BLARGH! The Tyra Mail of DOOM comes announcing eliminations and the girls expect that two girls will be booted. Leatherface is worried since she's not as ambitious as Drunk Lisa and "jumps off of buildings". How I only wish that were true... wow that was way too mean. I'm sorry. Bitchyanka continues to complain about the bathtub challenge which was like three years ago. Shut up, already!

The girls enter for panel to find... KATHY GRIFFIN filling in for Crazypants Tyra as she was let go. Tyra soon manages to get out of her cage and chases Kathy to her seat. She's the guest judge (no shit, really?)! And she's the only comedienne EVER to have 4 specials in one year. You go, gurl! Anyway, Tyra is now wearing a corset... WEAR DECENT CLOTHING, WOMAN!!! Actually, everyone in this panel seemed to be ill-dressed for this particular elimination (save for Kathy and Nigel). And now for the breakdown...

-Ms. Laura redeems herself from last week with a stunning Nene photo. Unfortunately, Haus of Wanda Sue has finally received its first miss this cycle.
-BB Gun's Nene is okay but blah as usual. Also, she's probably taking Sheena's jumpsuits trademark for herself.
-Man-Face's Snooki is okay but Kathy doesn't see the believability. She'd rather see a beautiful model WASTED, not a beautiful model. Good note.
-Duck Lips/Glenn Close is wear sheer black harem pants. Uh, WHY?! Her photo's a bit of a snooze.
-Drunk Lisa is wearing the most normal outfit I have seen her wear this cycle... aside from that eye-searing blazer. Her Nene photo was absolutely fantastic.
-Kayla Free's Snooki is not well received. Kathy doesn't see the Snooki in it and Kayla Free whines about the clothes restricting her. Hey, remember that she did that her cycle about shoes and she almost got booted because of it. Don't these girls learn? Rant over. Anyway, I agree with Kathy. It's a nice shot but not what was asked for.
-Pullip is called a "Brady Bunch kid" by Kathy due to her ridiculous outfit. Her Snooki is described as a great Snooki "on a good day". Ha!
-Bitchyanka is called out on Bathtub-Gate by Nigel and she rambles on and on and on and on about it so I didn't pay much attention to what was going on. Or cared. Her Snooki's a total bust.
-Leatherface's Snooki is blah. The fact that Nigel brings up her bone structure is translation for "You didn't do so good..."

By the way, why the hell are all the girls wearing bright red lipstick? It's not really flattering.

Deliberations fly by with one interesting mention. Not only does Kathy hold her own as a judge (yay!) but, when talking about Bitchyanka, she made a comparison to her show "My Life on the D-List" how it showed that Kathy knew her place. Bitchyanka doesn't which is why she's not doing as well as she thinks she is. Or something like that. Nevertheless, Kathy Griffin ruled.

The girls file back in and Tyra confirms their fears that she's knocking off two girls this elimination, probably because of the LaToya save a few episodes back.Top girl, predictably, is Drunk Lisa. She ruled this shoot. The bottom three are Leatherface, Bitchyanka, and the rather short Kayla Free (whom my sister said looked like Debra Messing). Leatherface is stunning but plays it way too safe. Kayla Free had a powerful portfolio from her cycle (I'm still loving those photos) but, now, that talent isn't there. And Bitchyanka looks like a stronger model now than she did back then but the judges are afraid that she isn't approachable (Let's ask Nikki Blonsky for a second opinion). Predictably, Leatherface is saved and Bitchyanka and Kayla Free are eliminated as I screamed in agony. It's also ironic that Kayla Free is eliminated with another person ONCE AGAIN. And at least Bitchyanka is going home. But still NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Next week, the girls are going to record a song for themselves. But Pullip's a teensy bit worried...

Project Runway: One More for the Road

I didn't really bother taking notes for this particular episode of PR mostly because I had essays to write, I wasn't in the greatest state of mind (still) and the episode was a bit of a dud since we all know what happens in the penultimate episode: Designers scatter, Uncle Tim critiques what they have then, Designers return, Uncle Tim critiques what they have NOW, runway, elimination. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The few things worth noting are what the designers are like (more so) after getting the hell out of Parsons and their designs to determine who might win. We'll go off the see Kimberly of the Pants Tribe, whose designs are okay, so-so, along those lines of "in process". We're then introduced to her friends and her family, to which I forgot about her mother passing when she was 17. Poor thing. She seems to be in a steady position, especially with the support of her friends and sister.

Next, Uncle Tim is off to Trinidad. How exotic! Anya the Great greets Uncle Tim at the docks as they take a boat to her home. Did she really need the $20,000? Maybe she's saving up to buy her own island. Unfortunately, Anya only has gorgeous fabrics but, well, NOTHING to show Uncle Tim. Bum bum BUUUM. Trouble's a brewing. But that comes later. For now, she introduces him to her two brothers, who are her biggest fans. Aww! Anya also explains the line (or an earlier line/designs/something I forget which) is dedicated to her brother who had passed away... uh, poor thing? Something spooky is going on here this season and I'm not liking it. Well, she bids farewell and, allegedly, goes straight to work.

Then, Uncle Tim returns to New York to meet with Viktor Regina George. His work so far is amazing and there's not really as much critique as the girls got. He's still working with black, whites and greys but he's adding a splash of purple in there. Keep in mind, it's not by a lot. Ugh. Anyway, for his inspiration, Viktor returned to his homeland of Mexico and talks about memories of his brother. Who passed away. THAT'S IT. As callous as this sounds, just how many of these designers have dead relatives? I mean Bert and Joshua and now these three? It's bad enough that this season that the women's bathroom has to be featured constantly but we could do without the pity sob stories, ESPECIALLY NOW. Anyway, Viktor introduces his boyfriend to Uncle Tim and they toast to success.

Now it's Joshua's turn but he gets some extra screentime before Tim arrives for lunch to meet with him and his sister. I must admit, Joshua's sister is absolutely GORGEOUS. I wonder if she models... anyway, they chat a bit about things before Tim arrives. Then they talk about Joshua's career as an athlete (well, that explains why he did so well for that New Balance challenge race). Moving on, we see Joshua's collection and.... well, it wasn't pretty. Uncle Tim called some of his stuff "matronly" and Joshua gave his best cum-shot face (YEAH, I WENT THERE) in distress in the confessional. As soon as Tim leaves, Joshua starts ripping things apart.

Soon, the day to move into the penthouse suite thing arrives and Joshua is the first to arrive. I lost interest when he went on about how the wind was his mother and blah blah blah blah blah. Then the girls arrive and Viktor and Tim swings by for a toast, since they'll going back to sew like demons the next day. As it turns out, most of the designers have been working hard and doing as Tim says. Anya even has clothes to show him but, unfortunately, they look a lot like the stuff she had before the show began. Couldn't she have utilized what she learned on the show into her work instead of falling back on her safety? I mean, the woman made pants for the first time for the first challenge and look how stunning they looked! Anyway, she's starts to panic and reverts to Anya the Leper.

Time flies, sewing continues and runway day comes with the designers presenting their three best looks from their collections. Needless to say, they're all pretty dumpy with the exception of Viktor's. After deliberations, the judges decide to let all four of them go through the fashion week (what a surprise). And then came the after show, where we're treated to never before seen clips and why no one wants to mess with Heidi. Not only can she run in 6 inch heels, she managed to pin Michael Kors to the ground (then again, that's not very hard to do). And there's the reminder to vote for the fan favorite, which really is just between Anya and Anthony Ryan since most of the designers didn't have much of a personality this season or were extremely grating.

Now, if I had to make a choice, it looks like Viktor could be the winner of this season, but who knows what could happen at the runway... though I sure hope someone has some cool music this season!

ANTM All Stars: A Hot Cup of Coco

Before diving into this recap, I bring the news that Andre Leon Talley, Vogue Editor and "Gumpa" of the panel will not be returning next cycle. Who's taking his place? Kelly Cutrone. You know, of "Kell on Earth"? Tyra's in for it now. Mwahahahaha!

Anywho, we all said goodbye to nobody but my patience and last shred of positive feelings I have towards anything. BB Gun bitches about being in the bottom 2 AGAIN (Drink!) in the greenroom after the last panel. Bitchyanka still is a firm believer that she's the only true model out of all these girls. Really? Then I must be an Equity Broadway actor. Quit being so delusional. Speaking of delusional, Drunk Lisa chimes in so I naturally ignored their argument, where it was basically the pot calling the kettle black. Again. Can't we focus on the other girls? Please? I want to hear more from Ms. Laura.

Well, I finally get my wish as the girls arrive home and we see how happy Ms. Laura is about getting the top photo. Yay! Even BB Gun states, "I wouldn't mind looking at that every day." It's because IT'S MS. LAURA. NOT LIKING HER WOULD BE AN ETHICS VIOLATION. Old Soul confessionalizes that it's now time for Bitchyanka to stop running to her whenever she has a problem and work things out for herself. Good thinking, Old Soul. It's why you're the girlfriend. Tyra Mail arrives and the girls believe it has something to do with sports. Drunk Lisa tells us that it's important to win this challenge, especially since she's been sucking the past two weeks. What about winning the competition? On second thought, forget I ever mentioned that.

The girls are brought to the beach and are greeted by Sexypants Nigel who is accompanied by socialite (???) Brittny Gastineau (no idea who she is) and Julie Henderson, a plus sized model. Now, the captions state she's "fiercely real" but that's the dumbest thing I have ever heard on this show since Richy-Rich Plain Jane and her "Big Square Head". Then again, a lot of the things I hear on this show are pretty stupid. The challenge is a charity flag football game and, guess what? The eliminated girls are back to join! Oh crap... I am NOT going to remember all those nicknames I used so I'll call them "Those girls" who are barely featured at all. Also joining them? Professional NFL players that made BB Gun wet her pants in excitement. For God sake's, woman, grow up.

The girls suit up in their uniforms: A cropped football shirt (I thought it was cute, but why where they ALL red if it's red and blue teams?), a bandana for the red and blue team, war paint, and bikini bottoms (so they can keep Leatherface from bitching AGAIN). The red team consists of Leatherface, Kayla Free, Drunk Lisa, Man Face, and Duck Lips, who continues to style her hair in pigtails like Amber Brown. Amber Brown, however, looks ten times better. The blue team consists of Pullip, BB Gun, Old Soul, Ms. Laura, and Bitchyanka.

Nigel brings up one more thing: During the game, there will be a brief photo session for each girl, who will be asked to portray a certain something something and pose with a guy. I thought it was stupid but it made the wins easier to understand. The winning TEAM will have a check split in half for their two NFL players' charity of choice. The winning GIRL WITH PHOTO gets jewelry designed by one of the guest girls and a photo on Tyra's website in an attempt to shill another product. Now, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

Kayla Free believes she must do well in this challenge since she's a lesbian and lesbians must excel in sports. Can't argue with that logic. Drunk Lisa, again, states she must win this challenge. Anyway, these girls play DIRTY, tackling the others so hard I'm pretty sure they would've snapped in two (if they couldn't already). The girls of Team Ghetto tend to play a bit rougher, particularly Old Soul who Kayla Free was surprised at. The photoshoot isn't really that spectacular, even when BB Gun pulls two guys out to rape them to assist her in the photo, which looked BAD. In the end, the blue team wins and Kayla Free wins the "Most Valuable Model" (not my idea) award and wins the prizes. Rightly so, because she's fabulous and the others' photos kind of stunk.

She's whisked away to the studio where Andre Leon Talley will style her for the photo. But WHAT THE HELL IS HE WEARING? A robe (natch) and a kasa. And we're letting him dress poor Kayla Free? She's asked to tells us her word for the photo. It's "Free" of course, with another rambling explanation from Kayla Free about what the word means to her. Bless her heart. She still does a fantastic job, even with Tyra-Cam "giving" out notes. She also does a lot of screaming, which sounds really cute. We must now be friends.

Back at the Model Holding Cage, Tyra mail announces that the girls must "Claw their way to the top". Duck Lips believes it's about animals and she really wants the top photo this week. Adios edit much? Then BB Gun is chatting with Leatherface, who still looks like she couldn't care less. BB Gun, too, wants this so badly (drink!) Soon enough, the girls are transported to the photo shoot, where the theme is BITCHFIGHT. Old Soul launches into a "Bar Fight" song and dance which solidifies my love for her. This moment of joy cannot be complete when, out of the blue, COCO ROCHA ENTERS. Another person to add to my imaginary friend list. Now, if you don't know who she is, to borrow a phrase from Cycle 15's Chris, "You stupid." She models (duh)! She's fabulous! She teaches posing! Now, while the girls were trying to pick their jaws off from the floor, I couldn't help but notice that Duck Lips/Glenn Close not only looks old, but, here especially, she looked like a pretty man for a few seconds. Oye. The photographer's name is Douglas Friedman and the girls must work in pairs. AGAIN.

Leatherface and Bitchyanka go first, and the former is worried that this won't go well due to LAST week where she was crying or being yelled at by Bitchyanka every waking second. Coco thought they did okay. Kayla Free and Pullip are up next and Kayla Free is nervous because Pullip is basically this cycles ANN WARD. She doesn't have to do much and her photo will still come out fantastic. During the shoot, Pullip blanks out a few times and Kayla Free is a little all over the place. In the end, Kayla Free thinks she may have outshone Pullip. Ooooooooooooo. It's now time for me to vomit as it is now time for the BB Gun suck up session with Coco. BB Gun asks for some advice about posing and admits that's she a little scared to be working with such a professional. Hell, I would have done Coco's math homework in two seconds. Coco solidifies my love for her (this has been happening a lot lately) by telling BB Gun, "Well, I'll see you later. When we're fighting." I shit kittens and give her lots of points for that one.

It's finally their turn and Ms. Laura gets to do stunt work by being pushed off a chair by Coco the Incredible. BB Gun, however, lets the nerves get the better of her and, DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOOT (it was a break, not during the session), walks off and cries. Mr. Jay gives her a pep talk, reminding her of all the crap she's gone through SINCE CYCLE 12 (yeah, she was there then). BB Gun finally gives us the piece to the puzzle when she admits that she doesn't know how to handle positivity when she grew up in such a negative place. After that, she gets better and we hear Ms. Laura scream for the shoot. I love Ms. Laura.

It's Old Soul and Duck Lips' turn. Duck Lips gets long hair for the session, probably because someone may have noticed she looked like a surfer dude (like I said earlier), so she basically looks like her old whiny self. It's a mess. Old Soul is screaming and posing way too much, using phrases like "BITCH!", "CALL THE POLICE!", "DO I LOOK HOT?!" and such. Coco the Magnificent is a bit scared by this and almost loses her posing power. No! Duck Lips was basically unmemorable. Typical. Then the last team consisting of Drunk Lisa and Man Face goes and they do pretty well, even with Drunk Lisa still existing. At home, Duck Lips tells us, once again, that she really, really wants this top photo and she's in it to win it. Really? We never would have guessed! I mean, did you even know that Camille was 33 years old?

Panel time! Tyra continues to wear ill fitting pants and trying to make suspenders work. WHY?! The guest judge is Coco Rocha, supermodel extraordinaire and queen of all things fashionable and the Kittens (but not the ones I poo'd out. They need a bath first). By the way, she eerily looks a bit like Raina ("Wolf Eyes" chick from Cycle 14 and also Princess of the Kittens) but less athletic. In other words, they're both beautiful.

Breakdown:
-Kayla Free and Pullip: ALT calls their photo "cinematic". Pullip is again praised and Coco mentions that she was pretty lost during the shoot and yet they still came out with a fantastic photo. I reiterate, Pullip is the ANN WARD of this cycle. Anyhow, I liked the shot. I called it a high end "Three Witches from Macbeth" photo. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Leatherface and Bitchyanka: It looks kind of disconnected and Leatherface looks really bad. I despise the pants abomination Bitchyanka decided to wear to panel. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Ms. Laura and BB Gun: It's a dynamic photo but Ms. Laura is told she has done better. UH OH. Coco calls out BB Gun for her brief episode on set but praises her professionalism (there's that word again). Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Old Soul and Duck Lips: Another disconnected shot but it's worse than Leatherface and Bitchyanka's. Old Soul is told by Coco that she did way too much on set and it showed in her photo. Duck Lips has duck lips and ALT tells her she doesn't look like a model but a reality show contestant (Uh, she IS a reality show contestant). I'm pretty sure he means in lieu of VH1 reality promos which are always bad. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Drunk Lisa and Man Face: It's a pretty good shot. Man Face looks like a woman for once! And she looks pretty good in panel too! Drunk Lisa, however, looks like a damn fool (drink!) in panel. She's pulling on Coco's crotch in the shot, which made me want to throw up. Nigel brings up the fact that not only does she open her legs a lot, she opens her lips a lot too. Because of disturbing images from that critique, I almost DID throw up. NIGEL, STOP GIVING ME NIGHTMARES. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.

Deliberations come and go and it's time to actually eliminate a body this week. Top photo goes to Man Face, which I thought was pretty random but whatevs. I called the bottom two to be Duck Lips and Old Soul for their lackluster photo. Old Soul is told she's too guarded and Duck Lips is told that she's sucking this cycle. And with that, Duck Lips is eliminated, so we won't miss her very mu-- WAIT A FUCKING SEC!!! WHAT?! OLD SOUL'S ELIMINATED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

You can tell I was devastated. Old Soul doesn't even say hug goodbye to Tyra and the girls (probably because she wasn't going to stand for the stupid bull Tyra was going to "advise" her with). Once again, she dons her glasses in defeat, but leaves on a good note, saying that she did the best that she could. And that is why she's the Girlfriend.

Next week, the girls will make and sell their own fragrances (oh boy...) and Bitchyanka and Duck Lips have a fight (drink!). There are more Drunk Lisa antics (yawn). Oh, and did I mention that KATHY GRIFFIN is judging?

By the way, Coco is fierce. And did you know Camille is 33 years old?