An Open Letter to my BC Theatre Family

To my family,

Today, we, like myself, either graduated from Brooklyn College or, like others, are celebrating the end of a semester. As I sat in the audience coming up with sarcastic remarks listening to the speeches, I began to reflect on these past few years and here is what I came up with.

I arrived to this institution with nothing more than an associate's degree and the knowledge that it's either stay in school or find a job in order to keep my health insurance. My mother was going in and out of the hospital for an ankle injury and, later, cancer, so my mind was elsewhere. Nobody prepared me for anything here so I went in undeclared (dumb move) and figured that I could switch to another, more convenient major by taking random courses and seeing what I liked best.

Then, on August 31st, two days into my first semester, my mother passed away. I was a wreck. I stopped eating. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring, period. I tried my damnedest to push back the pain by diving into my studies. But it wasn't enough. I wanted it all to end. I wanted to give up. I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to stop.

Two semesters in and, after finding help in the counseling center, I realized I was doing more harm to myself than good. And so, I returned to a familiar world: Theatre.

Ever since I made the decision to return to majoring in theatre, I've become more knowledgeable in the field in all aspects of it: History, technical, acting. I soaked in every second of it because I knew that I would never get this chance again (at least, not for a while). This was especially beneficial because I was beginning to see just how unorganized and unprofessional the theatre company I'm with now was... and still is.

But what's most important is the connections I've made with everyone involved in the department: The BAs, the BFAs, the MFAs, the professors (some of whom believed I was a BFA actor), staff members, the whole nine yards. All of you are much more than friends to me. You are my family. You are the people I want and love to be around, where we can joke about the most random things ("You have GOT to be kidding me!"), share personal stories, and just be close with one another. It is a feeling that I so very rarely experience in my career, and it made me remember that it is true: We have no time for enemies in this business. It's why the next time I see someone who acts like a diva, I'm going to tell them to write everything they know on the back of their hand, to see if they really do know everything like the back of their hand.

I am going to cherish the friendships and connection I've made with everyone. You have changed my life for the better.

You all have saved my life.

I wish everyone lots of luck, love, and lollipops in their future endeavors and be prepared for the koala hug I will give you the next time we meet.

Thank you all for everything.

I love you all,

Chris Weiss
(That guy who was always on the floor in the hallway)

To the Outspoken Woman/Loudmouth in my Class

(There is a class I'm taking this semester that allows for discussion on readings that, naturally, causes for different opinions to emerge. One particular peer, however, voices her opinion virtually any chance she gets. This is me venting)

To the outspoken woman,

I've known you for quite some time. I've caught on to the fact that you often don't read/fulfill certain assignments and, to cover for that, you ask as many questions during class. Others may find you to be inquisitive. I think it's just a strategy of wasting time. I would know because I do the exact opposite by keeping quiet when I haven't done anything. But this is just part of why I'm writing this.

The other day, when we were asking questions, you rather loudly scoffed at the question another peer had asked. "How do we 'dehumanize' men?'" This was, rather conveniently, written next to a question I had written, "What about male rape victims?" I had asked this in response to the diatribe on female rape victims you unleashed about how the way they dressed/behaved certainly did not mean they deserved to be rape. So imagine my surprise when, slightly ticked off, I asked you the same question, in a more serious tone and you just looked at me, slightly tongue tied. And imagine my frustration when, as an attempt to cover yourself, you said you were "frustrated" at the prospect of the question.

Ms. Loudmouth Time Waster, please consider this.

Yes, men can be a part of a few of same issues you frequently bring about in class. Yes, men can be raped, dehumanized, and objectified. Trust me, I have been there time and again. And I did catch you roll your eyes, during your own presentation, when you spoke about people who did not want to be restricted to the standard "male/female" gender roles. And I do not appreciate it when you run your mouth every five seconds while there are others who want to be heard as well.

There are many things I would love to call you but that means you would have won something. And with every battle, I lose more of myself, so why risk it. Not everyone thinks the same way as you do, nor would they want to. You are not the way you are strictly due to your ethnicity. Stop talking and complaining and DO something for once.

And, for the love of God, consider this:

HuMan
Huwoman

Catch my drift?

-A rambling, frustrated mind.

What I should've written for college.

I figured I should post something that wasn't ANTM related. So here we are.

I originally found this on my friend Sheila's abandoned myspace (yep. THAT old) and I thought it was absolutely hysterical. Enjoy.

***********************************************************************************
*This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.*

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet i receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer i toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off stress, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago i discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.