ANTM All Stars: WHEN TYRA BROKE MY HEART.

Last week was a recap episode and I figured that it'd be kind of pointless to recap a recap so I didn't. How dumb was I, for there was so much that we didn't get to see and how much I missed my gurl-fran Bre (especially with her strategy to force Bianca to do housework) and my girlfriend Kayla ("JEWS!") or Game possibly making designs to make Pullip his trophy wife. Or even Ms. Laura explaining the benefits of an orgasm to Shannon. But I digress...

TWO weeks ago, we bid a fond farewell to the curly mopped... uh, girl who wasn't memorable. What was her name again? Dominique? J-Lo? Yara Sofia? We (finally) are treated to an intro of sorts so I'm not entirely confused over why they just jump into the action. Well, that intro was more of a shill of what's to come. Oh sweet Jesus. The newly christened Miss Crabby Ass moans about being in the bottom for the FOURTH TIME (what's not clicking, Tyra?!) but continues her arrogant streak by proclaiming Dominique/Laquifa/Whatever her name was "a hater". Huh? Is she huffing Drunk Lisa's "Neon"? Speaking of, it's one of those rare moments of where MCA and I are almost on the same page, by that I mean it's Drunk Lisa's tendency to give her 2 cents for no apparent reason. She lost me on "2 cents and Bash Angelea Day". Hehe. I'll give her 2 point for that. Speaking of, Drunk Lisa talks but I ended up ignoring her (drink!) because I think she thought she was Dr. Drew.

Back at the Model Suite, Ms. Laura's photo is mirrored, making it look twice as awesome! Ms. Laura's happy! She talks about how close she came in the Midget cycle (she was runner up to Bloody Eyeball Nicole) and we're treated to home videos of her talking to cows. I really want her to win. But you'll get to see the impact of tonight's episode later. Drunk Lisa goes on to talk about how Ms. Laura is now her competition, but who cares about that. After footage of a gorgeous sunrise, the girls are greeted by Nigel for their challenge. Today, they will be auditioning for editor in chief/head zombie at Vogue Italia, Franca Sozzani. Since one of the ever growing prizes is to write a blog on Vogue's website, they're going to write a blog about how Greece has been to them thus far. Pick an outfit, get a car, travel to a nice location, take some pics (one with yourself in it), return, write, post. YOU HAVE THREE HOURS. Oh yeah, winner gets a week long trip back here with a friend. GO.

Well, Pullip is nervous (when isn't she?) since she's introverted and her cycle pretty much thrusted this into the limelight. MCA has never written a blog before but she plans to study broadcast journalism in college when she's done with the competition, proving models are not intelligent. Ms. Laura begins to worry as she's the last to leave (NO!) but she looks great. Luckily for her, she writes a blog already but it's mostly brief sentences and LOTS of pictures, not entirely like lengthy essays they're expecting at Vogue (or like these posts of mine). Drunk Lisa decides to showcase the clubs while Ms. Laura finds Pullip at the location she finds. Whatevs, she could've said, and shoots at the location anyway. Meanwhile, MCA finds the spot she can relate to the most: A ghetto. She points out she hasn't won a challenge yet but really hopes to win this one and also hopes people can relate to her blog post about living in the ghetto. As touching as that sounds, not *this* person. The girls return to type away but only moments later (on the TV, of course. Nigel isn't that cruel to pop in on the girls with 8 seconds left), Nigel enters, with Ms. Laura crying out the standard "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!". I really hope one of these entries they wrote ended something like...

"Greece is totally fun and everything. I mean, just look at the surroundings! And the fashion too! I'll tell you... crap Nigel's here and I have 8 seconds left. AH! Um.. wepgjinjtjhsklfjgsjofhpibjtiordlkfv,mfdkjhvstiuhjgsfkdl Tits."

Or even...

"I LOVE the surroundings, it reminds me of the time I lost my virgini"

Clearly, she meant "virginia tech sweatshirt at that restaurant", right? Okay, enough overactive imagination.


Tyra is really cruising for a bruising as she continues her shilling for her "fashion film" for her first novel "Modelland". This could prove interesting. And by interesting, I mean unintentionally hysterical. Or weak titted. Maybe the latter. Anyhow, Tyra Mail comes and it's pretty lengthy. WHAT COULD IT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNN? And why is MCA wearing a hideous pink sun hat? Mr. Jay greets the girls at the location. Oh hey, you're doing a motion editorial directed by none other than Ty-ty herself. She's plans to bring her first book EVAH to life. Jay says that it's a bestseller or something. Really? Cause my aunt would've told me about it. And then we'd laugh really hard. Nevertheless, it's a happier book version of this show. The modeltestants shall be portraying the protagonist, Tooke (pronounced Too-key). And they will be shooting this in two days. Neat!

Now, for my brief Bitch Pills moment. Why do I get the sinking suspicion that whenever someone gets a hold of a fancy camera, they think they're film directors on the verge of fame? We've already seen the music videos which were painful to watch and now we have to put up with this? I mean, not even this crap is good (I went there for I'm bitter. Aw waaah). Can't she stick to photos? Rant over.

The women are dressed in yellow chiffon dresses with LONG trains. For her individual segment, Drunk Lisa is Tooke's mom, holding Tooke as a baby. I'd hate to admit it but she does pretty great. Then, Ms. Laura is Tooke digging through garbage and Jay is worried that it'll look comedic. Tyra called it Saturday Night Live. Isn't this shoot just that? Now Ms. Laura is in a goooooooooooorgeous white dress because Tooke's favorite thing to consume is demon semen whipped cream and she's kind of worried that it'll look to erotic. Yes Tyra, let's give HER the erotic one, since she can't possibly go home for doing that again. I CALL SABOTAGE. MCA whines about how much work they're doing (compared to the 14 hour days you would be doing in the real world?) and poor Pullip's vampire eyes cannot take the sun. She soon pretty much is typecast as a cat girl (it's bad enough my aunt thinks she's an anime character already) and eats blood oranges. Along with bleeding lips by makeup. Ms. Laura thinks this high fashion crap Tyra's attempting to do is right up Pullip's alley, which it is if it were someone else doing this.

MCA has an emotional moment and breaks down to embody Tooke behind a ladder with a golden toothbrush. Oooookay then. Some more "I'm a fighter" spiel and Tyra acclaims her acting. No offense, but models are not the greatest actors. Meanwhile, in Italy, Franca Sozzani judges the blogs and Nigel will reveal the winner later. Pullip's blog is too short, Ms. Laura's blog isn't that great, Drunk Lisa's blog is okay and MCA's blog is pretty faboo. Gee, I wonder who'll win this... Sometime later, Drunk Lisa continues to exist when Nigel pops into the room with a present in hand (an addition for the winner). To the surprise of no one but Drunk Lisa, MCA wins and the present is a goooooold crown of olive leaves thingy. MCA celebrates by continuing to be grating.

Day two of Modelland nonsense. Mr. Jay brings up that the girls will be working with another co-star. Hmm, I wonder who it will-- (drools when Mr. Jay introduces Tyson Beckford) Well, take a wild guess who wets her pants? If you guessed Miss Crabby Ass, you are correct. Although, to be fair, Ms. Laura jumps on this train as well. The girls give misconstrued confessionals which Pullip doesn't say anything beyond a schoolgirl giggle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand oh dear God, Tyra's acting in this too... as Tooke with her crush (I guess). Tyson makes ME wet my pants when he says "Hey Tooke". Tyra makes me cringe when she sucks on his thumb. The models head to the beach to shoot the race scenes as Ms. Laura announces "300! Woman style!" Her love meter jumps higher than ever for that. Her dress also gets stuck on the stairs and the poor girl is pulling it to shreds, making me hope that these things were cheap. In order to keep the unpredictability of who'll win high, all the girls shoot their "Finale Winner Reveal" shots and Pullip still suffers from the vampire eyes. She's worried about panel because of this. Tyra Mail of doom arrives and MCA believes she will win. Because we all know that she'll do fantastically as a correspondent given her Bitch Pills moment last week.

PANEL TIME! Everyone but Ms. Laura, a too-tanned Nigel, and hunky delicious dreamboat Tyson are dressed in hideous abominations. We learn that the video is split into two parts, so we'll be treated to part one tonight and part two next week, WHEN IT ALL ENDS (Thank God). The video isn't particularly spectacular, though, as usual, I WANT THE DAMN MUSIC. At the end, each girl (and Tyra) say "I'm (name) and I'm Tooke." Out of all of them, I only liked Ms. Laura's.

Breakdown:
-Miss Crabby Ass gets high marks except for the running bits where she looks really funny jogging.
-Ms. Laura does well too, save for the whipped cream bit. Tyson would love to work with her since she's so sunshiney.
-Pullip looks great in the video but Tyson doesn't like how she didn't really engage with the camera.
-Drunk Lisa did pretty well but I didn't care for her, as usual. Basically, she's scolded for getting so focused she forgets what she's doing.

Deliberations are blah as normal... until we find out they get into a bloodbath over who should be eliminated FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. Even Ken Mok, the producer, yells at them to make a decision. And I want to punch ALT's face so badly for being so snippy. Tyson begs Tyra to override the decision they made, which, as we all know, she refuses to do. THIS ISN'T A TYRANNY. Nevertheless, it spelled doom for my emotions since I could tell what was coming.

Drunk Lisa gets her pass, and so does MCA so Team Heel is through to the finale. Team Face? Come on down. Ms. Laura, you're bubbly and, damn it, she should stay since Tyson likes her so much but they worry that because she's a member of my tribe (The Tribe of the Cute People), she can't be as high fashion as she could be. Pullip, you're the total opposite. You're quiet, shy BUT you're quirky. Epecially since odd is SPECIAL. WHO WILL IT BEEEEEEEEEEE?!

Pullip, you're in.

Tyra has successfully ripped out the last shred of my heart, thrown it in front of a truck, ran over it repeatedly, threw it off a cliff and shot it. A devastated Ms. Laura is confused, but, in my book, at least she won't live with the shame of actually winning this ridiculous cycle. She gives an emotional farewell speech confessional but the mood is killed by her uppity music video. My life is over.

Next week: IT ALL ENDS.