Now, let's begin the fun...
It's the grand finale of this trainwreck of a cycle (just in time for finals too)! And, by the episode's end, one girl shall receive the title of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (with the unfortunate reminder of "All Star" after it) that eluded her in her cycle and one girl will be DISQUALIFIED (If you guessed that I was chanting Drunk Lisa's name for that, you are correct). Not only that, but I can finally get rid of the Word document on my laptop that I've been recycling titled "Wives and Lovers" (from the Project Runway recap from way back when). The remaining three chicas return to the model hotel room and engage in what appears to be a prayer circle and poor Pullip is smothered in a three way hug. We're all treated (ha) to some back stories. Drunk Lisa has had an abusive childhood and got some therapy for it (FROM DR. DREW WHO SHE NEVER MENTIONED AT ALL THIS CYCLE). She ultimately shatters whatever good will she had left by shilling about her new album and charity. THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR THAT.
As for Miss Crabby Ass? It's all about redemption! Yep, those clips of you freaking out will definitely help that cause. Again, we hear for the millionth time about growing up in the ghetto and being a "fighter".
Then we're treated to Pullip's back story. In a year, she's come a looooooong way. Her story is one that kind of hits close to home (yes, I've gotten over dead relatives on reality shows. For now anyway). It's been a very rough year for
Tyra Mail arrives in Greek and MCA once again proves her eerie skill of solving word puzzles by suggesting it means "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful". It scares me. Nevertheless, could it be... MAYBELLINE?! (Sad fact: I purchased the song immediately after that commercial aired) Of course it's Covergirl, whose fortitude with this show is remarkable. Drunk Lisa believes that MCA is now her competition... just how many times has this woman switched her major competition in this cycle (or, at least, was edited to)? Pick a chick and stick with it. Pullip astutely notes that each girl has different strengths to what this commercial calls for and at panel. To makes things just a smidge tougher, Paige Calli, Covergirl representative, is there to oversee the shoot. They're shooting for the Shadowblast line of makeup. The Greek salad photographer is back to shoot the commercial where it dawned on me (thanks to one of the contestants) that they haven't done any beauty shots this cycle... nor did teddy bear/my imaginary uncle Mike Ruiz ever appear. I'm a sad panda now.
Drunk Lisa, who MCA believes is her competition (WHO CARES?!) goes first and she looks like a hooker. Her eyes are pretty (*twitch*) but her speaking portion is really blah. Mr. Jay calls her a "used car salesman". Pullip looks fantastic for obvious reasons (mostly because she has the biggest canvases in the entire universe). We're treated to a blast from the past to her cringe-worthy Covergirl group commercial from her cycle. Let's hope she's improved since then. Miss Paige loves her eyes (hello client!) but they run into trouble when Pullip's eyes begin to tear up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! To compensate, Mr. Jay makes the creative executive decision to have her eyes closed the whole time... and it works! Her speaking portion is a bit dull until the editor uses her theme song instrumental in the background then it gets much better. MCA goes but I tuned her out when she said she'll make a better Covergirl model than the other two because she's "real", even when she has tourettes during the speaking portion of her commercial ("HOURS!").
Tyra Mail #2 arrives with a "Ciao Bella", leaving the girls to question Ty-Ty's intelligence for once as to why she's sending them mail in Italian. Turns out they're shooting their Vogue Italia cover shots at the stunning beach! Not much happens beyond Pullip turning it out and photos being taken.
Tyra Mail #3 comes on through and points out the obvious runway finale is up next. A sandal wearing Jay greets the girls and gives them a set of instructions on how to work this show which is slightly less shorter/comprehensible than the Constitution. It includes walking to their theme songs. Oye... In order to keep the show's results a mystery, Mr. Jay does the Project Runway approach and brings out the last three eliminated girls (Shannon, Dominique, and the ever radiant, bubbly and deserving winner Laura). WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE DRESSES THESE GIRLS HAD DESIGNED. And... well, to be honest, Drunk Lisa's and MCA's are kind of weak titted. Drunk Lisa's could be replicated by tying a bed sheet around one's waist and hot gluing mirror shards to a camisole. MCA's isn't that much better. Pullip's dress is OUTSTANDING (it looks a bit like Kate Middleton's wedding dress but in a cream/peach color and less wedding-y. Still stunning). With the amount of times they're playing her instrumental, you would think that she was going to win. HOW LAUGHABLY WRONG.
Laura wants "Alli-Cat" to win, putting to shame my chosen nickname for Pullip (too late now). Shannon wants Drunk Lisa to win as Drunk Lisa is transformed into Kayla from Cycle 15. Dominique doesn't have a clear-cut choice but feels horrible for the judges. Miss J continues to his tradition of wearing a fashion abomination to the finale. MCA is worried about the swimming portion of the show and starts to cry and Drunk Lisa opens her yap. Even Mr. Jay changes into a toga for this show, which I think includes cirque performers.
Now, here's how the show works: First, the model takes a swim across a pool of water. Next, she steps into a hoop which rises to cover her body as she "transforms" into a goddess a.k.a. Hooked up on a harness in her goddess gown and fly for a bit. Then walk to the song. Drunk Lisa is up first. She feels she's deserving to win because she wants to be an inspiration "whether it be abuse or drugs". Ugh. In spectacular Drunk Lisa-fashion, she screws up the swimming portion by trying to show off and do a spin which makes her wig get stuck on her face... and she SWIMS INTO THE WALL. She reveals what really goes on for the goddess part: As soon as the hoop goes up, the wet girl sneaks out the back while a different model, who's already prepared (I think, in Drunk Lisa's case, Laura is used), is hooked up to the wire. During this time, the wet girl makes a marathon dash backstage to get changed, get dry and get back to get hooked up. Phew! So, no, they haven't achieved the ability to do this. For her walk, Drunk Lisa turns on the drag and does her best to not trip over her "dress". She has fun, naturally.
MCA's turn. She's doing this for her loved ones. She swims like a drunk fish. She has fun on the wire. She delivers another drag-worthy walk. What is Miss J doing?!
Pullip's moment! Blah blah deserving win blah blah. Man, she must have a set of lungs on her as she swims underwater (keeping to her theme song) the entire way. I'm impressed. Pullip's a teensy bit worried about the wind blowing her dress around but she goes in with gusto and FINALLY delivers a runway worthy walk (compared to the other two girls). After the show, Miss Crabby Ass isn't feeling so well after the show... but what? Is she sick? Drunk? Drugs? PREGNANT? WHAT. IS. GOING. ON?!
Well we won't find out because the next panel takes place in the LA location. APPARENTLY, Uncle Nigel and the network dug up some information that disqualifies one of the remaining three girls... who is MISS CRABBY ASS. I was gunning for Drunk Lisa but, hey, close enough (I'll get to conspiracy theories about this and the cycle in a future post). Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! So, months after filming has ended, the remaining two must re-shoot the entire thing.
The Last Breakdown:
Runway: Pullip did fantastic. Drunk Lisa's swimming was a mess but the audience liked her runway walk.
Covergirl Commercial: I didn't recognize Pullip's voice when her commercial aired. ALT continues his bitch pills overdose and knocks her on her speech patterns (WHAT speech patterns?). Drunk Lisa sounded kind of dull so I don't know how Uncle Nigel found it "fun". In a rare moment, Ty-Ty and I are on the same page as she isn't impressed (YEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!).
Covergirl Print: Pullip's ad is pretty but she looks like one of the Versace for H&M Models (blank expression and all). Drunk Lisa's looks mysterious, especially with one eye showing.
Time for the judges to review their bodies of work and the two stumble their way out of the room. Drunk Lisa has personality but has the presence of a train wreck. Pullip has a huge fanbase but is still a wallflower.
Part two of Modelland airs, which is basically the same footage as part one but with just the remaining two.
AND THE WINNER IS.... Drunk Lisa...
If you heard a very loud scream of anguish, that was me. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?! "The universe came around for me." WTH???? It's not made any better when Tyra describes her like this: "You are an original. You are an inspiration. You are an all star." SHE IS A DRUNK. I wouldn't want my kid to be original in that sense. I'd rather be original and not a drunk mess.
Well, that was one waste of a cycle. Let's hope the next cycle won't be as ridiculous, with a whole NEW batch of modeltestants who will be christened with ridiculous nicknames. Stay tuned for my "Conspiracies" post!
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