Anywho, we all said goodbye to nobody but my patience and last shred of positive feelings I have towards anything. BB Gun bitches about being in the bottom 2 AGAIN (Drink!) in the greenroom after the last panel. Bitchyanka still is a firm believer that she's the only true model out of all these girls. Really? Then I must be an Equity Broadway actor. Quit being so delusional. Speaking of delusional, Drunk Lisa chimes in so I naturally ignored their argument, where it was basically the pot calling the kettle black. Again. Can't we focus on the other girls? Please? I want to hear more from Ms. Laura.
Well, I finally get my wish as the girls arrive home and we see how happy Ms. Laura is about getting the top photo. Yay! Even BB Gun states, "I wouldn't mind looking at that every day." It's because IT'S MS. LAURA. NOT LIKING HER WOULD BE AN ETHICS VIOLATION. Old Soul confessionalizes that it's now time for Bitchyanka to stop running to her whenever she has a problem and work things out for herself. Good thinking, Old Soul. It's why you're the girlfriend. Tyra Mail arrives and the girls believe it has something to do with sports. Drunk Lisa tells us that it's important to win this challenge, especially since she's been sucking the past two weeks. What about winning the competition? On second thought, forget I ever mentioned that.
The girls are brought to the beach and are greeted by Sexypants Nigel who is accompanied by socialite (???) Brittny Gastineau (no idea who she is) and Julie Henderson, a plus sized model. Now, the captions state she's "fiercely real" but that's the dumbest thing I have ever heard on this show since Richy-Rich Plain Jane and her "Big Square Head". Then again, a lot of the things I hear on this show are pretty stupid. The challenge is a charity flag football game and, guess what? The eliminated girls are back to join! Oh crap... I am NOT going to remember all those nicknames I used so I'll call them "Those girls" who are barely featured at all. Also joining them? Professional NFL players that made BB Gun wet her pants in excitement. For God sake's, woman, grow up.
The girls suit up in their uniforms: A cropped football shirt (I thought it was cute, but why where they ALL red if it's red and blue teams?), a bandana for the red and blue team, war paint, and bikini bottoms (so they can keep Leatherface from bitching AGAIN). The red team consists of Leatherface, Kayla Free, Drunk Lisa, Man Face, and Duck Lips, who continues to style her hair in pigtails like Amber Brown. Amber Brown, however, looks ten times better. The blue team consists of Pullip, BB Gun, Old Soul, Ms. Laura, and Bitchyanka.
Nigel brings up one more thing: During the game, there will be a brief photo session for each girl, who will be asked to portray a certain something something and pose with a guy. I thought it was stupid but it made the wins easier to understand. The winning TEAM will have a check split in half for their two NFL players' charity of choice. The winning GIRL WITH PHOTO gets jewelry designed by one of the guest girls and a photo on Tyra's website in an attempt to shill another product. Now, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Kayla Free believes she must do well in this challenge since she's a lesbian and lesbians must excel in sports. Can't argue with that logic. Drunk Lisa, again, states she must win this challenge. Anyway, these girls play DIRTY, tackling the others so hard I'm pretty sure they would've snapped in two (if they couldn't already). The girls of Team Ghetto tend to play a bit rougher, particularly Old Soul who Kayla Free was surprised at. The photoshoot isn't really that spectacular, even when BB Gun pulls two guys out
She's whisked away to the studio where Andre Leon Talley will style her for the photo. But WHAT THE HELL IS HE WEARING? A robe (natch) and a kasa. And we're letting him dress poor Kayla Free? She's asked to tells us her word for the photo. It's "Free" of course, with another rambling explanation from Kayla Free about what the word means to her. Bless her heart. She still does a fantastic job, even with Tyra-Cam "giving" out notes. She also does a lot of screaming, which sounds really cute. We must now be friends.
Back at the Model Holding Cage, Tyra mail announces that the girls must "Claw their way to the top". Duck Lips believes it's about animals and she really wants the top photo this week. Adios edit much? Then BB Gun is chatting with Leatherface, who still looks like she couldn't care less. BB Gun, too, wants this so badly (drink!) Soon enough, the girls are transported to the photo shoot, where the theme is BITCHFIGHT. Old Soul launches into a "Bar Fight" song and dance which solidifies my love for her. This moment of joy cannot be complete when, out of the blue, COCO ROCHA ENTERS. Another person to add to my imaginary friend list. Now, if you don't know who she is, to borrow a phrase from Cycle 15's Chris, "You stupid." She models (duh)! She's fabulous! She teaches posing! Now, while the girls were trying to pick their jaws off from the floor, I couldn't help but notice that Duck Lips/Glenn Close not only looks old, but, here especially, she looked like a pretty man for a few seconds. Oye. The photographer's name is Douglas Friedman and the girls must work in pairs. AGAIN.
Leatherface and Bitchyanka go first, and the former is worried that this won't go well due to LAST week where she was crying or being yelled at by Bitchyanka every waking second. Coco thought they did okay. Kayla Free and Pullip are up next and Kayla Free is nervous because Pullip is basically this cycles ANN WARD. She doesn't have to do much and her photo will still come out fantastic. During the shoot, Pullip blanks out a few times and Kayla Free is a little all over the place. In the end, Kayla Free thinks she may have outshone Pullip. Ooooooooooooo. It's now time for me to vomit as it is now time for the BB Gun suck up session with Coco. BB Gun asks for some advice about posing and admits that's she a little scared to be working with such a professional. Hell, I would have done Coco's math homework in two seconds. Coco solidifies my love for her (this has been happening a lot lately) by telling BB Gun, "Well, I'll see you later. When we're fighting." I shit kittens and give her lots of points for that one.
It's finally their turn and Ms. Laura gets to do stunt work by being pushed off a chair by Coco the Incredible. BB Gun, however, lets the nerves get the better of her and, DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOOT (it was a break, not during the session), walks off and cries. Mr. Jay gives her a pep talk, reminding her of all the crap she's gone through SINCE CYCLE 12 (yeah, she was there then). BB Gun finally gives us the piece to the puzzle when she admits that she doesn't know how to handle positivity when she grew up in such a negative place. After that, she gets better and we hear Ms. Laura scream for the shoot. I love Ms. Laura.
It's Old Soul and Duck Lips' turn. Duck Lips gets long hair for the session, probably because someone may have noticed she looked like a surfer dude (like I said earlier), so she basically looks like her old whiny self. It's a mess. Old Soul is screaming and posing way too much, using phrases like "BITCH!", "CALL THE POLICE!", "DO I LOOK HOT?!" and such. Coco the Magnificent is a bit scared by this and almost loses her posing power. No! Duck Lips was basically unmemorable. Typical. Then the last team consisting of Drunk Lisa and Man Face goes and they do pretty well, even with Drunk Lisa still existing. At home, Duck Lips tells us, once again, that she really, really wants this top photo and she's in it to win it. Really? We never would have guessed! I mean, did you even know that Camille was 33 years old?
Panel time! Tyra continues to wear ill fitting pants and trying to make suspenders work. WHY?! The guest judge is Coco Rocha, supermodel extraordinaire and queen of all things fashionable and the Kittens (but not the ones I poo'd out. They need a bath first). By the way, she eerily looks a bit like Raina ("Wolf Eyes" chick from Cycle 14 and also Princess of the Kittens) but less athletic. In other words, they're both beautiful.
Breakdown:
-Kayla Free and Pullip: ALT calls their photo "cinematic". Pullip is again praised and Coco mentions that she was pretty lost during the shoot and yet they still came out with a fantastic photo. I reiterate, Pullip is the ANN WARD of this cycle. Anyhow, I liked the shot. I called it a high end "Three Witches from Macbeth" photo. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Leatherface and Bitchyanka: It looks kind of disconnected and Leatherface looks really bad. I despise the pants abomination Bitchyanka decided to wear to panel. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Ms. Laura and BB Gun: It's a dynamic photo but Ms. Laura is told she has done better. UH OH. Coco calls out BB Gun for her brief episode on set but praises her professionalism (there's that word again). Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Old Soul and Duck Lips: Another disconnected shot but it's worse than Leatherface and Bitchyanka's. Old Soul is told by Coco that she did way too much on set and it showed in her photo. Duck Lips has duck lips and ALT tells her she doesn't look like a model but a reality show contestant (Uh, she IS a reality show contestant). I'm pretty sure he means in lieu of VH1 reality promos which are always bad. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Drunk Lisa and Man Face: It's a pretty good shot. Man Face looks like a woman for once! And she looks pretty good in panel too! Drunk Lisa, however, looks like a damn fool (drink!) in panel. She's pulling on Coco's crotch in the shot, which made me want to throw up. Nigel brings up the fact that not only does she open her legs a lot, she opens her lips a lot too. Because of disturbing images from that critique, I almost DID throw up. NIGEL, STOP GIVING ME NIGHTMARES. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
Deliberations come and go and it's time to actually eliminate a body this week. Top photo goes to Man Face, which I thought was pretty random but whatevs. I called the bottom two to be Duck Lips and Old Soul for their lackluster photo. Old Soul is told she's too guarded and Duck Lips is told that she's sucking this cycle. And with that, Duck Lips is eliminated, so we won't miss her very mu-- WAIT A FUCKING SEC!!! WHAT?! OLD SOUL'S ELIMINATED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You can tell I was devastated. Old Soul doesn't even say hug goodbye to Tyra and the girls (probably because she wasn't going to stand for the stupid bull Tyra was going to "advise" her with). Once again, she dons her glasses in defeat, but leaves on a good note, saying that she did the best that she could. And that is why she's the Girlfriend.
Next week, the girls will make and sell their own fragrances (oh boy...) and Bitchyanka and Duck Lips have a fight (drink!). There are more Drunk Lisa antics (yawn). Oh, and did I mention that KATHY GRIFFIN is judging?
By the way, Coco is fierce. And did you know Camille is 33 years old?
No comments:
Post a Comment