ANTM All Stars: Laura the Warrior aka "Bitch Pills"

Last week, holier-than-thou Shannon was shipped back to the states after her second photo refusal on this series. Jumping straight into the action, Man-Face/Sue Snell is happy to have won the top photo again and claims to be the dark horse of the cycle. You and so many others but this time I agreed. She delivers the whole standard "I'm doing this for my family" speech that we all get. BB Gun ponders why she was on the bottom while Man-Face got the top. After the photo comparison, it should've been the other way around. Yep. She's THAT delusional. Joining her on the delusion wagon is Drunk Lisa who feels that Pullip, while being her biggest competition, is kind of dead. BB Gun decides to show some essence of humanity by asking Ms. Laura how it feels to be a runner up her cycle and make it this far this time around. Ms. Laura confessionalizes that the competition is wearing BB Gun down and if her confidence is gone, SHE'S gone. I really hope this won't send Ms. Laura home... Anyway, Tyra Mail arrives with the dreaded words, "Tomorrow, you will meet with the judges..." AND THAT'S IT. Ms. Laura believes this to be the scariest Tyra Mail EVAH, considering she was almost knocked out last time.

After the opening, Miss J delivers the answer: No one's getting kicked off (well, not then and there) but, instead, they're judging each other! By the way, Miss J is wearing some chiffon toga and his hair is in one really freaky-deaky braid/crown thingy.

Which I sometimes rock... but it's not as obnoxious.

It's basically a mock go-see for them, which Ms. Laura predicts will be a train wreck. Nothing interesting happens other than BB Gun calling all the girls' walks sloppy. Ms. Laura, however, must be reading my mind when it comes to evaluating portfolios while BB Gun continues to be a mean girl and calls Ms. Laura's NeNe shot bad. And then Miss J has the girls go up one at a time and announce who they think doesn't deserve to be called an "All-Star" (which, frankly, should be all of them because the three members of Team Face (yep, Man-Face is a part of that now)). Ms. Laura, who has learned a lot, announces that none of them really deserve to not be all stars. At first, I thought she was being nice, but since Pullip and Drunk Lisa (who looks way older than 30) follow suit so... carry on. Man-Face, still rocking her Sue Snell curls which work for her, breaks the trend by stating that BB Gun doesn't quite deserve it.  Well, in approximately 2.4 milliseconds, BB Gun turns into Miss Crabby Ass and rolls her eyes. Man-Face backs her claims by telling Miss Crabby Ass (her nickname for the time being) that she has to OWN who she is, and not talk it. Man-Face is practically speaking from the heart and doing this out of love.  Ms. Laura agrees with Man-Face but Miss Crabby Ass won't have none of it. Drunk Lisa notes that anytime MCA is given any critique, she gets all pissy over it and thinks it's an attack. This is making Ms. Laura mad! Like, she is mad! WAY too mad! Like, verge of tears mad (Oh girl... I have been there too many times before. And you're handling it better than I ever will)! Her speech to MCA is pretty much a Terms of Endearment Oscar Worthy moment. Well, MCA claims that she's struggled the most out of the girls there and it degenerates into a screaming match.

Ms. Laura continues her warrior crusade but the deaf MCA won't have any of it. She babbles on and on about them "attacking" her. It's too painful to each watch. Miss J places his hands on Ms. Laura's and Pullip's because, God forbid, they would be the ones to leap across the table and beat Miss Crabby Ass' crabby ass to the curb (how I'd love to see that happen). In a hissy fit, MCA grabs her bitch pills storms out of the room in way that reminds me of those teen moms who wonder why they can't do anything fun anymore (could be the kid you bore, you dumbasses). Anyway, she's not buying into their "We're doing this because we love you!" bit. Oh, grow some balls. Ms. Laura is still soooooo mad because of MCA's ignorance. Man-Face laments that MCA isn't ready for this competition YET. She's not emotionally stable YET. SHE'S. NOT. READY. YET. DAMN IT. Poor Ms. Laura is still on the verge of tears (HUGS!). Well, Miss J manages to talk her into coming back inside so she assumes to cocky position that's never so flattering. In her opinion, she says none of them, but I'm not entirely sure if it was for whether they are deserving to be all stars or not. Probably the latter.

Now, scorecards! Let's hope no one swiped theirs only to find that, on a scale from one to 10, they got for dance, 10 but for looks, 3. WELL! (Stop it right now, mind). The weakest girl overall? Pullip. HUH? Well, MCA sure is shocked, given her spectacular meltdown (or bitch pill overdose). But the strongest? Ms. Laura! YAHOO!!! She was worried since she belongs to my tribe of people: The Cute tribe where no one expects them to be beyond that. Drunk Lisa astutely observes that this is her advantage since she's kind of a silent storm. Miss J has a surprise for them: A day sightseeing Greece! Man, do they need it. The modeltestants waltz down to a yatch where they find someone who could very well be Drunk Lisa in a few years: Greek Socialite (that's a profession?) Twylem Pyper. She's pretty much just your normal socialite, asking for the 411 and just lookin' to chill. MCA continues her whining over the mock-cast call but I won't put any other mentions in this post because NO ONE CARES, MISS CRABBY ASS. It's all about Twylem taking the group out for swimming and fun!

After swimming (where Ms. Laura reminds us of her water phobia), Twylem takes 'em out to the club for drinks! Well, boy can SHE knock down some shots but the girls are less willing to do so. Poor Pullip is offered a shot every ten seconds by this woman so she gracefully and grandfully tosses the drink over her shoulder. I like the way this chick thinks. Drunk Lisa continues her sobriety while Ms. Laura drinks like a fish. In the end, MOST of them have a grand ol' time. No time for hangovers for Tyra Mail arrives with... no words? Wait, what? Oh, it's a picture of the images you see on Greek vases. Pullip hopes that it's something about statues. They're driven off to another gorgeous place where I would be sobbing in its beauty. Mr. Jay and his way too tight shorts tells them they will be posing as the ancient Olympians (with a fashionable twist of course). Your photog? Why, Nigel Barker of course! Man-Face is nervous since he's a judge and everything (no shit. Drink!). She's given the javelin (which she mispronounces) and Nigel asks her to try not to kill him. Man-Face does okay but she's getting tired of being compared to J.Lo. MCA offers her pointless opinion. Pullip is given the discus and practices with a purse... wait, that's her prop? Weird. But clever. She's worried since she was voted as the weakest girl. Nigel thought she awkward while Mr. Jay of the short shorts clan says she started off weak but got stronger in the end. Of course she did. She's Pullip.
Drunk Lisa gets Hurdles. Drunk Lisa did hurdles in high school. Drunk Lisa is snippy because the judges have seen her jump twice in photos and doesn't want to be slammed for it again. Drunk Lisa decides to tell Nigel, which spells trouble. Drunk Lisa ends up jumping instead. That's all for Drunk Lisa.
Ms. Laura is especially nervous as an archer, due to the bottom two thing from last week. Luckily for her, her beloved sister is an archer (for hunting I suppose). Nigel is impressed to hear this AND nervous, considering Ms. Laura also knows how to castrate a bull. She's given a ridiculous veil to wear in front of her face so she knows she has to push through the damn thing to get a good picture. Nigel calls her a warrior princess, so I knew she was in the clear this week.
Then it's Miss Crabby Ass' turn for the shot put. She really screws up the name and her photo shoot is a bomb. GO HOME.
Tyra Mail of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM arrives. Man-Face ponders the possibility of the models being judges again. Let me laugh that out of my system. She's more terrified by the fact that the last time she shot with Nigel, she was sent packing. Will history repeat itself? Pullip is nervous since she didn't do so well while BB Gun is hoping her personality is her saving grace. Well, I'M hoping Miss J brings Tyra and Co. those wonderful notes of her bitch pill fest.

Panel time! I'm guessing Tyra's theme this cycle is ill fitting vests. The guest judge is Miss J since Twylem is probably drunk off her ass somewhere in Greece. He's still doing that braided hairstyle thing that Tyra is jealous of. Note to self: NEVER use that hairstyle when I'm around Tyra. Oh, and Tyra thought it was a cheeky idea to call the girls up by their atrocious theme songs. No, no, no. Anyways...

-Pullip's photo is surprisingly solid for me, but Andre Leon Talley doesn't like the heel of her shoe sinking into the ground.
-Drunk Lisa IS WEARING NORMAL CLOTHING FOR ONCE. AND SHE LOOKS DECENT. I wept in happiness. Anyway, she soars in her hurdles shot, but I'm not digging the face. ALT doesn't like that she didn't point her foot.
-Man-Face's photo is kind of blah, which is odd since I thought she did pretty well in the photo shoot. It's not very well liked.
-BB Gun/Miss Crabby Ass screws up her sport once again and her photo is weak. She also apparently spray painted her face. Tyra calls her photo DEAD.
-Ms. Laura is in a sunny sunshiney dress! Can you tell how happy I am that she's allowed to wear heels this cycle? And her photo is OH MY GOD, IT'S GORGEOUS. ALT. however, is pissy about her knee but Tyra (and the universe) disagrees. She likes how Ms. Laura's body and bow has the viewer's attention. AND she pushed through the veil!

Geez, was Andre Leon Talley on bitch pills too? Or maybe he's upset that KELLY CUTRONE is replacing him? Probably the former. Anyway, during deliberations, Nigel likes how personable Ms. Laura is. She always has some story to tell and you're never bored with her. Yay! After hearing about BB Gun's tantrum from Miss J, Tyra questions how well she could handle being a correspondent (as part of the prize). Going by the looks on the judges' faces, it's safe to assume that it's not good news about that.

Top girl, obviously, is Ms. Laura! Victory dance for overcoming being mad! Bottom two, obviously, is Man-Face and BB Gun. Man-Face, you take phenomenal photos, but you're oddly not that memorable. BB Gun, you were Miss Crabby Ass this week. You don't take as wondrous photos as Man-Face, but you are memorable. BUT, we're concerned about how easily you break under pressure and, to be frank, it's unnerving.

With that, MCA is saved due to her making interesting television. History does repeat itself as Man-Face/Sue Snell is eliminated. I also get the feeling that whoever wears a little black dress to panel is the one going home, but it's just a theory. Well, she can't wait to see her family again and blah blah blah grateful opportunity blah blah blah... wait, who was she again? We'll miss you, sort of sane woman!

Next time: Tyra directs another video editorial (I think) and Tyson Beckford! I can only assume BB Gun will have another pants wetting moment ("Rae'Chelle" sure did) but that maaaaaaaaaaaay be sidetracked by another meltdown. Or seven. UGH.