Strangely, this episode begins with cheery music as the team falls into the studio, chanting the "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" mantra from last week. Abby seems to be in a very good mood since, admittedly they didn't do so well, they were successful in beating the Apple's. They beat them in each category, to which Christi claps. She's gonna go through the pyramid rather quickly because there's TONS to do.
Paige is on the bottom because of mommy's antics
Onto the competition, which just so happens to be STARBOUND in (begins fanning self, in a Southern drawl) Atlaaaanta, Georgia. Why is STARBOUND so important? Well, as Abby will remind the audience approximately 3,000 times in this episode, STARBOUND was the competition where not only did the group place tenth, they lost out to the Candy Apples by ONE PLACING. She says it was one tenth of a point but I remember that it was one point so who knows what to believe. Anyway, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
For the dances that we'll never see, Chloe will be doing a solo titled "Trouble". Ooh! Does this mean she'll be portraying a badass cowgirl?! Abby wants her to use the whole stage and jump higher than she's ever jumped. Maddie's solo will be a lyrical number called "Mom, It Will Never Be the Same". The trio for this week will comprise of Paige, Nia, and Macks, who I called Team Seaslug. They'll be dancing a piece called "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us". The group number, called "All Kids Go", is about the loss of innocence and childhood going away and maturity, so it's not going to make much sense. Everyone's going to be involved except for Mackenzie, who is way too young for this piece. Macks is bummed but I couldn't help but laugh at her hairstyle, which is utilizing a Bump-It. Abby will be bringing in a teen who'll definitely look older to make the piece stand out. And since Big Pimpin' Payton looks old enough to portray Lindsay Lohan now, she'll have to do... which means Madame Leslie Rose is back. Kelly wishes that this wouldn't happen because she thinks the team in general is just fine.
And because Lifetime is trying to distract its incessant lying by being a shill, Abby announces that she got a call from the people who work on "Drop Dead Diva" looking for girls who dance for a bit part in an upcoming episode. Christi seems to agree with me, while Kelly thinks it's a great career opportunity that'll open many doors. Just like that music video? As Payton enters the room, Christi bitches about Chloe being on top of the pyramid but Payton being the star yet again. Nooo! Don't revert back to the old Christi! I like the Sarcastic Christi much better, not "Woe is me, Chloe's being robbed" Christi! It's also pointed out that this is the first time Brooke and Payton will be in the group together, since the past few times, Brooke was a cheerleader and then went to a school dance. Abby asks Payton if she can keep her mother in control, but Payton's frightened face basically answers that question. And just when I couldn't feel even worse, Madame Leslie Rose enters. Christi hilariously describes her by using the direct opposite of what we've seen so far: A sane, easy to get along with woman who uses her inside voice. In five seconds, Leslie puts up a front, setting the stage of a rather angsty episode.
With three days until the competition, Abby is planning to win big. The girls are wearing socks for this number, which Abby describes as a dark, beautiful, and elegant number. Yawn. While Leslie's mouth runs with dripping shit, Christi feels the urge to poke her eye out. Leslie dives right in and says Payton should be on the team permanently. Christi points out that it's only been 5 freakin' minutes and Leslie's already gung-ho on getting Payton on the team and this is going to be a loooooooooong week.
Over in Ohio, Crazy Cathy has a room dedicated to the Apple's. Uh, who cares? First, she breaks the news that Jill-Cher and Kendall will no longer be dancing with them anymore because Jill-Cher demanded more attention for Kendall... or herself. Cathy says it's a great decision which cements that she's just a bitchy old broad. Too bad, so sad. It's a shame they didn't stick around because SHE got a phone call regarding the DDD audition too! Uh, Cathy, they wanted a YOUNG GIRL for the part. You've got grown women in hideous makeup. I'm just very happy you're not competing this weekend.
It's really pathetic Lifetime is trying to plug in a show that's successful in its own right. I mean, I don't going around promoting the next show I'm in here because A) I don't think anybody really reads these but they're still fun to do and B) I don't think anyone would come see. Although, who wouldn't want to see me in LA CAGE AUX FOLLES in the Fall?
It's time for the girls to audition and only Chloe, Maddie, and Paige are auditioning, each with something to bring to the table: Chloe has experience (due to the music video), Maddie seems to be an ambitious nightmare (fitting for the character, I assume), and Paige is kind of a dark horse. That's the only positive thing I'll say about the auditions because, holy shit, THEY SUCKED. As an actor with an A.S. in Visual and Performing Arts, I can say that these were just cringeworthy, but none more so than the Candy Apples. While Abby's girls are no Olivier, at least they memorized the script. The Apples read from it in blank tones and... I REALLY needed a drink.
The moms go out to eat lunch and discuss Kelly's birthday party coming up. After a discussion of what to drink (Kelly: Duh, Mommy Juice!), Kelly drops the bomb that she's inviting Leslie. Why? In a manner where it is so obvious that the producers set her up to do this, Kelly says that she feels like she has to invite her. Her face, however, registers as, "They wanted drama. Leslie brings drama. I have no free will." Christi points out the obvious that she's the ultimate stage mother, hence why I dubbed her Madame Leslie Rose, and compares her to Abby. In other news, Christi brings up that Chloe's not going to be able to be at the rehearsal tonight because she's going on an overnight school camping trip. She just knows that the situation at the dance studio will go down like the Titanic. Hey, clever! The next day, Abby, unsurprisingly, flips out and screams, "Does she NOT wanna go to STARBOUND?!" It was a last minute decision, says Christi, who says she only showed up to protect her kid from the dance teacher, although I'm pretty sure it's also because she has her other daughter dancing there too. Leslie, at first, appears stunned by what's unfolding... or maybe that's the gears in her head turning, because two seconds later she seeks out the opportunity to ask Abby if Payton could have a solo this week. Sure! Christi makes another shining quip by saying, "The body's not even cold and already you're swooping in!" She's also, deservedly, pissed that Abby had the gall to call Chloe dumb. In the booth, Kelly innocently asks Leslie if Payton's going to be learning a new solo, which I assume as in "Learn new or recycle an old one." Leslie, sharing the same mindset as Phi Phi O'Hara (or Pheces O' Ptosis), immediately starting bitching while Kelly screeches about three octaves higher than normal.
Maddie rehearses her solo as Abby has an orgasm about it. She tells us she's been holding off teaching Maddie this solo because she wanted her to mature first. The trio, however, is just all sorts of fun for Abby, which is translation for "Why... WHY did I do this in the first place?" She finds it hard to block it because of the age differences (11, 9, and 7. Chaos!) and calls them slugs (CRAP, has she been reading these?!) and yells at Nia about spacing. Abby says that as soloists, they're fine but as a trio, they're a mess. In the group, sans Chloe, Christi notes that Payton is placed in her spot, naturally, while Jabba the Lee continues her jackass antics by saying it's like they didn't need her. In a rare moment of honesty, Leslie assures Christi that Chloe can pick up fast so she'll be fine.
The next day, Kelly confronts Abby about Payton getting a solo, who says she got it because she's very willing to work, unlike the rest of the kids. Kelly knows that Abby's just going to keep bringing those two knuckleheads in, so the moms are going to have to run them out. Big Pimpin' Payton rehearses her solo and, while she's happy for the opportunity, she's not used to working THIS fast. Christi brings up the conversation from this morning while Leslie confessionalizes that she's just gonna let them worry while she'll just give a rat's ass. Kelly doesn't appreciate Leslie changing their words all the time and brings up the incident where Payton thought it was smart to give her opinion that she was the bee's knees. As Leslie screams about how nothing makes these women happy, it's clear that Leslie has no idea where she is and what show she's on. The amount of shit thrown at these women? Yeah, that just screams frivolity.
Chloe has returned from her camping trip! And it's also time for one of Christi's world famous pep talks as Chloe holds on to her for dear life. Chloe's afraid that Abby will pull her solo because she went on the trip but Abby's just furious because the trip was optional. Oh Abby, stop making a shit over every little thing. It's a competition, not the Olympics. Now Chloe's really feeling the pressure. When she's done rehearsing, Abby confessionalizes that she's impressed that Chloe managed to remember everything to a T but the studio footage of her yelling at Chloe paints a different picture.
It's party time at Kelly's house! The moms are having a wonderful time... for the time being. Then they start discussing Leslie. Kelly claims she has no problem with her, but Christi nails it again by saying "You can lie like a rug!" Definitely an English major. Then Leslie shows up and Kelly jokingly flips the bird, I think. But, oh hey, Kelly's really not that excited to see her. What a shock. Leslie tries to say that all she does is talk loud and she's just here to enjoy, but as Holly attempts to intervene with logic again, Leslie calls Christi a drunk. WHOA that was really uncalled for. Christi has had it with the bitch. Melissa, who eerily has said NOTHING in this episode so far, just drinks and Holly looks as confused as ever. Christi doesn't want to see Leslie anymore and, continuing the adult behavior, Leslie chucks a glass across the room. Holy shit, she needs some Xanax a.s.a.p. Poor Christi begins crying and the moms comfort her.
It seems like a big sigh of relief whenever the competition finally arrives, and I noticed that they sell dancewear? Abby, amazed by the venue, states, "I should've worn fancy shoes!", giving me a chuckle. Shut up. Gia! is there too so that makes me happy. After another STARBOUND disaster reminder, Chloe says that, for once, she's not that nervous. Christi jokes about it but Abby barges in and starts another scene. Well, I guess Chloe's nervous NOW. But, wait, there's more drama! As Christi and Kelly make their way to their seats, they just happen to run into Madame Leslie Rose in an abandoned hallway. They get into a pissing match and Leslie calls them witches, while Christi scores again with yet another Wizard of Oz reference, shouting after her "Go before another house lands on you!" Yup, Christi's definitely not expecting the warm and fuzzies in the dressing room when this is over.
Chloe is confident with her piece this time and I'm in love with her costume. As always, she's pretty damn amazing and I wish I had her skills. Abby found her to be wonderful and Chloe plans to have her new found confidence for every week from now on. Go Chloe!
Maddie goes and her competition face continues to distract from the dance. Her dress is pretty though, but the piece is kind of dull and she looks like she's gonna puke the whole time. She felt good about the solo but thought Chloe was great too. Christi is proud of Chloe, Melissa sucks up about Maddie, and Abby gives Chloe a hug! Christi jokes about Chloe going camping more often but Abby can't take a joke and berates Christi about the whole thing. Ugh...
Time for the trio to dance, and boy is Abby nervous for them, as is Nia, particularly about her front aerial. WHOA these costumes are... really bad. It doesn't look good when Macks misses her entrance and Nia slips up her front aerial, landing on her thigh. Unlike Maddie, she doesn't make a big scene about it SO MADDIE OVERREACTED. Macks is worried that Abby is going to be mad solely at her for missing her cue to go on. Backstage, the girls discuss the piece and they all agree that they screwed up in some way: Macks because of the entrance, Nia because of her front aerial, Paige because she's Paige. They all agree to just not say anything to Abby. You know, this is kind of the closest thing to reality this show has since the girls are basically talking like adults. The difference being that, if a conversation like this occurred with me and my friends, we'd all be smoking outside of the theatre. And I don't smoke.
The trio enters the room, silently, and Nia is aware that Abby's really gonna be mad. She is but makes a lot of convoluted comments which leads Holly to tell us that Abby has a short attention span.
Big Pimpin' Payton goes for her solo, but she looks and dances like a Dance Moms Miami kid, but not as great. She also looks older than I do, and I'm 22. Leslie thinks she did well (duh) but when Abby asks for Leslie's opinion, she plays the "My kid didn't get enough rehearsal time because she deserves a lot better than those brats" card. The two get into a pissing match with Abby saying that Leslie should deal with it. Word. After some random attack on Kelly, Leslie admits she knows they don't want her here and if the group fails, she thinks Payton will be blamed. Abby then yells at Leslie, who cries for no reason. Christi hopes this is the last they'll see of them.
After another reminder of the last STARBOUND competition, the group goes. Christi says that she wasn't watching a dance but she was watching art. I wish I could say the same, but all I saw was ten seconds of standing and walking.
It's awards time! Chloe gets fourth place. Christi thinks Chloe definitely danced better than fourth but it certainly wasn't first material. No no, that first material belongs to Maddie, naturally. Melissa says she was "surprised" but I stopped listening to her bullshit. For the teen solo, the show says Payton placed second and Leslie looks like she can barely contain her rage. HOWEVER, Lifetime continues to forget the competition posts results online. As it turns out, Payton placed SEVENTH in the teen division and Brooke, who's solo, the "Paint the Picture" one Kelly pulled, placed SECOND. Give us a break, Lifetime! The trio places fifth, which Abby is less than pleased with but I thought was impressive. And the group wins FIRST PLACE!!! What a comeback from the disaster from last time. Abby is relieved and the moms celebrate for beating 80 numbers. Payton says that she should be in the group more often with Brooke because this is the first time they won a group with Payton in it. Uh, okay? Chloe does a victory dance in her confessional (which made me smile lots) but the episode ends with the moms being berated by Abby for chasing away moms like Cathy, Jill-Cher, and possibly Leslie. Here's the thing: NO ONE WANTED THEM AROUND. But I give up there.
Before announcing what happens next week, apparently there's been a scandal in the Dance Moms world! Allegedly, Cathy and Christi got into a scuffle, resulting in Christi choking the dingbat. HOWEVER, only the Crapples have been tweeting about it and, unsurprisingly, their stories are inconsistent. The only member from the ALDC to comment on the whole fiasco is Christi, who says that it's all a lie and that she has a TV crew to back her up. I'm on Team Christi for now.
NEXT WEEK: The results of the Drop Dead Diva audition, Brandon is back, costumes are sent to the wrong location, and something's up with Paige's foot (Spoiler: SHE BREAKS IT. I say that because there's going to be some bullshit that'll probably make it seem like she broke her foot and performed with it. But I could be wrong)
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