Last time on DANCE MOMS: Kelly and Abby continued to fight, two nameless teams were up against the ALDC and beat most of them, Mackenzie won her first crown, and I developed a strange fascination about lace tops.
First off, while Abby was talking about Mackenzie's dance "Daisy Chain", I swear to God I thought she was saying "Date Rape" so I laughed a bit.
It's a new day as the girls enter for the Pyramid ceremony, with Brooke and Chloe wearing lace tops. I'll just assume it's the new trend in the dance world. Abby talks about Energy Dance and how pissed she's getting because most of the girls pulled out second place, although the chipper music from the "Silver Spoons" dance kind of kills Abby's super serious background music. Kelly calls the placement "a gift from God". Well, I think it's more "Terpsichore" but to each his own. Let's move to the Pyramid, shall we?
Unsurprisingly, the Hyland sisters are still on the bottom and on probation, which I'll just assume is Abby's smart-talk for "on warning". They're still there for Kelly's bipolar antics from TWO WEEKS AGO, mostly because they didn't approach Abby if they could do (or don't do) their solos. Kelly's skeptical about that because she's aware how Abby normally does the opposite of what you ask her. So why bother. Nia rounds out the bottom because she squeaked into the top ten but she needs to pay attention to her technique.
In the middle are Chloe and Maddie for their great job with the duet, with Maddie ahead because of her solo. And Mackenzie's on top because, well, she did win overall and Miss Energy Petite. While Melissa points out the obvious, Macks is excited because she loves being on top in a manner that's totally not scripted.
This week's competition is Starpower in Woodbridge, Virginia. But this year, the competition is pretty special. Abby says (way too many times in one episode so start drinking) that this year, Starpower is celebrating it's 25th anniversary and this year is the largest competition they've ever had. Christi points out that the bigger the competition, the more acts there'll be (duh), which adds on more pressure, something Abby just looooooves to build. Because of her great work, Mackenzie's back in the group but Abby makes it clear that she's not going to be watering down the choreography for her.
Maddie's going to be doing a solo called "Looking for a Place like Home" and Abby references the Wizard of Oz. It seems like a good concept, considering she's done something like it before. Chloe's also doing a solo called "What Comes Around Goes Around". Uh, didn't they do this LAST time? Only it involved trashy schoolgirls? Christi's all "Well, fate's gonna run you over" regarding Abby so fiddle-di-doo on you.
But wait! BROOKE needs to tell Abby something that doesn't sound scripted! She tells her that during the weekend of the competition, she has her eighth grade formal dance and she was wondering if she could go. Let's hold our breath before the fireworks explode... what's this? Abby's letting her go all willy-nilly? WHOA. But, being Abby, she has a bit of an ulterior motive: She wouldn't have to deal with Brooding Brooke all weekend long. Way to spread the joy, Fatty Patty. So she won't be needed this week. Smell ya later, (extremely relieved) Brooke!
The group rehearsal goes underway and the basis of "The Huntress", this week's dance, according to Jabba the Idiot, is "that movie" The Hunger Games. You know, if she was that much of an English master as she tried to be in the first episode back in June ("CHRISTI AND IIIIIIII!!!"), she would've gone with that BOOK SERIES The Hunger Games. And, if she were a bigger nerd, she would've gone with Battle Royale but I'm getting out of place here. In sum, the girls will be killing each other to survive (Not exactly true: I haven't read the books but aren't the games for entertainment?). Also, Brooke has to be replaced. Christi lets us in on some dance world secrets and says that you only need four dancers to qualify for a group routine. Maddie is sent off to get Payton from another class so she can join the team. She enters and Christi rolls her eyes, knowing the impending doom is coming. Holly questions Abby's choice, saying that if it didn't work the last time (when Payton decided to be a little shit and voice her "opinion"). Christi points out the obvious, saying that Big Pimpin' Payton is too old. Agreed. Kelly brings up that there's been rumors going around that Big Pimpin' Payton has been on a nasty streak lately, shoving Paige for example. This brings up the demon known as Madame Leslie Rose. Christi is just relieved that she isn't there today so it's just the calm before the storm. Oye...
In this routine, BPP is going to be the Huntress (duh-huh) while the girls "are her dinner". The girls laugh at that. Of course, it doesn't take an idiot to realize that BPP's only the star because she looks out of place with this group. And she only has four days to learn the number.
Over at Babette's, the place where the moms went looking at wedding dresses for the Head over Heels number last time, Kelly and Christi take Brooke shopping for her formal dress for the farewell dance. Kelly enjoys this because it's one of the few times that Brooke gets to act like, you know, a kid? Christi's there because she makes things that much more fun. After searching through costume-y dresses, they finally find a nice one for Brooke that looks good on her. Kelly begins crying because her little girl is growing up. It's going to be Brooke's first major event and Kelly's going to miss it because of some stupid competition. Don't worry Kelly! For starters, it's not like you're missing her graduation or some frivolous thing like a wedding and such.
Oh lookie, Madame Leslie Rose is back for more bitching! And man is she happy to be back... well, I mean for Payton anyway and she's willing to fight with the other moms this time around. But there's a bit of a problem: Big Pimpin' Payton is wearing some bling in the form of a splint on her finger. Turns out she was doing a lift with one of the girls and hurt herself. But it's totally not HER fault. Nope. Not at all. Abby's concerned with the splint digging into the girls during those lifts. At any rate, they can always hope for realism in this number, right? During rehearsals, Madame Leslie makes a snarky comment about Chloe getting taller and how she's almost as tall as Payton. Yeah, in like a few years, you twat. Christi notes the typecast Payton has been worked into- first a bully, now a huntress. Yep, that's the way it goes. Melissa chirps up in the booth and says how Big Pimpin' Payton has been bullying Maddie as well. And so Leslie flips out, of course, because she should have told HER first and not Christi. I'll bet it's because you're such a people person. Leslie's not done (when is she?), calling the women bitter liars and doesn't find what Payton's doing (barking orders at Maddie) is considered bullying. Dr. Holly, who has every degree known to man and is a school principal, offers the definition of bullying: "It's an imbalance of power between two people." and such. I forget but it was good. Melissa also says Maddie was a bit scared and told her not to tell Leslie. Well, uh, oops. Leslie proceeds goes into one of her famous convoluted rants, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Christi manages to get three words out before Leslie gets really low and tells her to shut her face. Leslie: I don't like you, the truth hurts, and you can't handle it. (The world: And neither can you). Christi says that she can't help it if Leslie can't stop her mouth from running.
Some more group rehearsal sees Abby's growing confidence in the group, which translates as "boy do they suck today." She shouts at Mackenzie for not running like a warrior and Melissa can tell her kid is overwhelmed. Abby can tell Macks is struggling and she doesn't know what she'll do with her. What a role model. So let's check in on Maddie rehearsing her solo where she portrays Dorothy (again). Leslie tries to stir shit with Melissa by asking if she's nervous about Maddie competing against 10 to 12 year olds, which means Leslie has no idea what's going on. Melissa says that Abby likes seeing the kids perform above their level. Abby gushes how Maddie is great at every dance she does, and she's great at portraying a character (goofy competition face does NOT equal portraying different characters) and let's us know that, naturally, Maddie's in the highest level in her division. Of course, of course.
She sings a different tune in Chloe's rehearsal. But first, Chloe has to pull a Paige and say that she likes the dance. She's also in the highest division and Abby thinks Chloe needs to learn this lesson about karma and how her mother is evil. Huh?! Since when is Christi evil?! Sure, she delivers some snarky bitch behavior from time to time but she is in no way evil. Christi sees the double standard starting again when she comments that Chloe's dancing looks more like "walk and pose" and little "dance". And she's already guessing that Maddie's dance will be spectacular. Because that's the way things roll around here.
I wonder what the moms were like BEFORE this show.
The next day, at 7:15 in the morning (ugh) Maddie has a private with Abby. Melissa and her porn star quality acting skills tells us that she absolutely no idea why they're there so early and, more importantly, why no one else is there. Abby tells us that because (if you haven't heard) this is Starpower's 25th anniversary and the biggest competition in US history, it's so big the competition is split into two different venues. "Two?", thought Abby, "Then would it be possible to enter someone in BOTH competitions?" So she gave them a call and they said sure, but it cannot be the same routine. Maddie has TONS of award winning routines so she's going to perform the "Cry" routine from way back in season one. Talk about vintage! However, this has to be a secret! It's just between Abby, Melissa, Maddie, and every one who watches (which, apparently, is millions. Remarkable giving how fake this show is). Abby's banking on Maddie Blanche DuBois on remembering BOTH routines and her winning since everyone else is a deadweight.
It's only one more day to the competition and Christi says that, giving the complicated choreography, it's either gonna look really good or really sloppy. Abby, again, isn't so confident in the routine and how sloppy Nia (in a lace top!) is getting. She berates Mackenzie for being so little. Huh? Then she shifts over to Payton and questions her drive to be on this team (which I PRAY doesn't happen. Sure, Big Pimpin' Payton is a great dancer but she doesn't fit in with this crowd. And her mother is just asking for it). I'm looking at BPP's height compared to Chloe and came to the conclusion that Madame Leslie Rose really was just dicking around with the moms. What a bitch. After another reminder about how this is Starpower's 25th blah blah blah, we go to Big Pimpin' at the front desk, agonizing over her finger. She says that it really hurts but Madame Leslie Rose won't have any of it: She tells her to suck it up (WHOA!) but it wasn't the kid's (or kids'. I forgot) fault. I'm sure of it.
We finally arrive at the big extravaganza that is Starpower's 25th Anniversary, the BIGGEST competition in US history. You know, I turned 22 back in March and I celebrated with a simple trip to the mall with a friend of mine (We had a grand ol' time) so Abby's making too much of a big deal out of this. She's also in over her head since everything's pretty cray-cray. The team finds out the group is up first and Abby shouts that they better remember their characters. Poor Payton's finger is getting worse but she puts on a brave face, which Leslie immediately rips off and says that her finger really isn't okay. As Madame Leslie Rose starts whining, Christi provides some well needed common sense by asking, "Haven't you BEEN here before? Spray it copper!" Abby tells Payton that it's only 2 and a half minutes of suffering so it won't be that bad, while Lifetime Aggressive Mother Leslie tells Payton to, for the millionth time, to suck it up. I wonder what she'll be like when, years from now, Payton's in labor.
Time for a happy moment! Brooke sent Kelly a picture of her in her formal wear (standing next to, who I assume, is the missing Hyland son), looking very lovely. Kelly confessionalizes that she's happy with her decision (I assume she's talking about BROOKE'S decision, because this has nothing to do with Kelly really, even if it looked like she was mouthing what Brooke told Abby back at the Pyramid) and that it's only ONE competition. She can always come back next week.
Back to the nonsense. Abby tells Payton to not act like a little shit this time and to not be cocky. Madame Leslie Rose looks on with a bitchface. The girls rehearse and Abby, as always, only sees mistakes and comments on how it's getting old, boring, and monotonous (like the premise of this show). Macks hopes she can prove to Abby she can dance with the big girls while Payton just hopes her finger doesn't fall off. As they dance, Holly says that Abby does weird well, and that the weirder, the better, so this is familiar territory for her. Well said, Dr. Holly. Leslie can see Payton cringing in pain, and Macks stumbles when she tries to stand on Payton's back, and I think Melissa says she knows Abby will flip out on her because of it. Truth be told, I think this routine is one of the worst I've seen on this show: The music's bad, the dancing's bland and it looked like a mess, and Payton looks psychotic in the piece. Leslie noticed Payton's turns were off and Abby's all "YOU SHOULD BE DOING 8, NOT 4!!" Payton, however, is happy to be done and wants to rip off her finger because it hurts so bad.
At awards, Payton knows she didn't do so well and hopes Abby won't blame her for not placing. The emcee says that only 1/10th of a point separates first and second. WHOA that's pretty close. Holly says that it felt like pins and needles hearing that news. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand the group places SECOND. They look kind of proud of it but Abby's trying to not strangle someone and says that it could've been one mistake, or one straighter knee, that could've won them first. Oh give it a rest.
At least the moms have some sense of normalcy. They congratulate the girls on their close placing but Abby screws it up and denounces that second place is like the worst thing ever. Christi, what do you say about it? "NORMAL people would celebrate second place." Well said, amiga. Abby saunters over to Big Pimpin' Payton to ask her how did SHE think she did? Breaking out into a cold sweat, Payton responds with a meager "Good. But how did YOU think we did?" That sounded a bit snarky but Abby bought it. Leslie wants the cold truth. And Abby delivers. The team must WORK and WANT to be first place. There's only ONE winner (unless you're on the Glee project, where everyone wins!)
Onto the solos. As Chloe rehearses, Christi tells us that Chloe's practically on top of the moon regarding her costume. However, since she's in the 9 to 11 category, this also means she's up against the juggernaut that is Maddie Blanche DuBois. Because Abby and Lifetime just love trying to convince us there's competition between the two. Suddenly, Chloe begins to freak out backstage and Maddie tries to comfort her. Chloe confides that she flipped out because she thought she wasn't going to do so well and that she didn't get enough time to rehearse. Aww... Nevertheless, she'll improvise if she has to but manages to do a fine job out on stage despite the psyching out. She's great as always but Abby continues to use the same old crap she thinks is going to work. I did love the ending though. Christi comments on the sub-par choreo once again and Abby thought Chloe could have had more fluidity. Then again, Chloe's not Maddie so let's just throw whatever onto her.
Maddie Blanche DuBois is up next and she's also nervous about her FIRST solo because Abby expects her to win. Basically, the same old shit happens: Maddie performs well but it looks dopey and she has a goofy face once again. As always, Abby's thrilled. Blah blah blah that's all for Maddie.
Junior Miss awards are announced and the emcee tells us it's about the most oustanding well rounded performer. Chloe gets second runner up! Christi says that's pretty impressive CONSIDERING everything that's been going on. Maddie wins the whole thing, shocking no one, and Abby tries to make it sound impressive with the whole 25th anniversary whatever. Christi says that their choreography wasn't even in the same stratosphere and Leslie decides to open her yap to tell her that she's a sore loser. Oh god no... WHO CARES?! Abby couldn't believe Maddie won (I'll bet) but she's only as good as her last performance, so we're left to believe that they're off to the second competition going on in the next hour. Leslie, again, finds the need to voice her so-called "opinion" as Holly ushers the kids out of the room. Kelly says that she isn't surprised, and if it were as spontaneous as we're all led to believe, Maddie wouldn't be as cool as a cucumber (her words) and would be freaking out. Christi tries to use logic to explain to Leslie what really goes on, but Leslie repels logic which makes Christi recreate "The Scream". So Leslie leaves and everyone's relieved.
Over at the SECOND competition, Maddie's excited to do her "Cry" solo once again but is nervous... again. Melissa says that they arrived in the nick of time, but they had to watch from backstage (bull) because there weren't any seats left. Once again, goofy face. Abby's sweating bullets (ew), Melissa cries (duh) and says Maddie gave it her all.
Due to producer manipulation, Maddie's dead center for the awards (so not called for). Oh, and we're led to believe she wins AGAIN. Abby's impressed Maddie won two titles at two competitions that quickly and that no one really could do that. I'll bet. Why don't you read what I discovered as soon as I'm finished with this paragraph. Meanwhile, the moms are still arguing with Leslie. Kelly says that this is the kind of shit they deal with all the time and Christi tells her they're just bitter. Leslie continues to be a idiot as the moms leave the dressing room as the episode ends.
HOWEVER, thanks to the glory that is the internet, here's what REALLY happened regarding Maddie's second solo. That whole "two competitions in one day" thing? LIES. As it turns out, the second competition occurred on a different day so no wonder Maddie was so calm. Also, Maddie actually won SECOND at the second competition. She was given the title because, allegedly, the actual winner couldn't take the title because she already won a title. Or something like that. And still, Lifetime thinks it can get away with that? Come on.
Next week, Abby recaps the dances shown throughout the series, including "Laquifa", so I won't recap what we already know. So see ya after the 4th of July!
No comments:
Post a Comment