Last week was a clip show where we got to see pieces of seasons' past so there's really nothing to note there.
It's a new week and I'm thrilled (kind of rude but still) that Payton isn't anywhere in sight (which really means that there's no Leslie). As always, Abby points out that they lost by 1/10th of a point and that their "Tenth of a point losers". Because that really rolls off the tongue. She babbles a lot more but I'm just distracted by the fact that none of the girls are wearing lace tops. This week's competition is in the lovely state of Ohio. This is (appropriately) met with groans from all around. Christi sarcastically comments that she gets to see her bestie, our geriatric mean girl Crazy Cathy Hannigan! Abby says that this team will be so hot, the Crapples will be turned into apple pie. Methinks Abby's hungry. The group dance this week is called "Land Unforgiven" and it has something to do with going into and claiming foreign territory, whatever she means by that. Oh, and to juice up the routine a little, Abby's bringing in some older girls to join the routine to give Cathy a taste of her own medicine. Justifiable AND hypocritical. Abby stresses that they NEED to beat Cathy, especially since they all lost to them last time (by a point).
Brooke starts off the pyramid on the bottom in probation still because she went to her 8th grade farewell dinner, and then Abby decides to be a jackass and wave "BYE BYE" in her confessional. Ugh... Mackenzie is next because she didn't spit out her gum in rehearsal and Nia rounds out the bottom because of her lack of technique. Strangely, Paige is in the middle but still on probation so Abby must have something up her sleeve. Chloe is next because she made a mistake in the group (but I couldn't tell where) but she did great in her solo. No prizes that Maddie's on top but, for some really weird reason, Abby decides to put her picture up there twice. WHY? Because she won two crowns and two titles in two hours (LIES!). Christi compares Maddie's picture to a gremlin: Add water and watch it multiply!
Because of her "double win" from two weeks ago (what is it with the Two theme all of a sudden?), Maddie's getting a break and won't be performing a solo this week. However, Paige WILL be performing a solo entered in a title category (but, since I totally forgot about this aspect three minutes later, this is irrelevant information) and will be going directly against Kendall-Daria. She'll be performing that god-forsaken Tongue Twister piece her mother pulled. Twice. Because she has to know it by now, Paige won't be getting any rehearsals but is free to use the studio to practice. That's kind of douchey to do to a kid, no matter how annoying her mother is. Abby does, however, remove the probation sticker, to which everyone sort of celebrates. Chloe will be getting a solo too, titled "Angry Bird", so I was imagining Chloe's piece to just be her flying into foam blocks for two and a half minutes. Christi says that the bird theme is nothing new to Chloe: First she was a swan (in season 1), then a raven (season 2A, in the scandalous "Showgirls" episode that no longer exists), and now an angry bird.
Time to hear from our moms, starting with Kelly thinking that the double Maddie photo was just weird and that it was unfair that none of the others were given the same opportunity that she got. Melissa starts whining while everyone else rolls their eyes. Now, I'm not sure which is true about this next part so I'll put down both versions: Either Melissa was whining that Maddie was hurt that she won't get a solo this week or that she was relieved by that. Either way, the moms roll their eyes.
In the group rehearsal, we're introduced to our three older girls joining this week: Catherine (or some variation of the name) from the Elite company, Arielle from the Teen company, and Pre-med graduate student Nina from the Senior company. The difference between these three and Cathy's girls is that they look skilled and could probably hang with this team. Christi is upset by Abby bringing in the ringers just to up the ante and Holly calls Abby a hypocrite (Hey! She read my mind!). Christi notes that the regular team can hold their own against the Candy Apples easily without the ringers, especially since they've beaten them every time they've gone up against them except for that one time in New Jersey last time.
Speaking of, let's check in on our main Crapple and what she's planning to choreograph this time around. It's going to be an Asian piece (riddled with inaccuracies, I'll expect) about a princess choosing between two Ming warriors. Vivi, now wearing a retainer, shall be portraying this princess, because it's totally not nepotism where your kid from Guatemala is portraying a Chinese princess. What does Jill-Cher have to say about this? Not that we asked... too late. She said that she and Kendall were greeted with open arms at the Crapples, got wonderful opportunities but noooow, um, things have changed and Kendall's just another dancer in this group. Possibly knowing that she sucks as a choreographer, Cathy has brought in two gay guys to choreograph this new routine. Their names are Mitchell and his "partner", Michael, so Cathy continues her hacking by thinking that these guys are like Angel Armas and Victor Smalley.
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| 6th place is 5th loser! |
Back on track, Cathy wets her pants for no reason because Mitch has seen the ALDC at a past competition. Uh, not sure how this fits in here but whatever. Jill-Cher instantly whines how Cathy hasn't got the time to waste on this routine but I wonder why she wasn't celebrating about having someone else choreographing... and making it look GOOD.
Let's head back to the Pittsburgh team. There's no Gia! around so, instead, we have some random instructor to teach the group dance. Maddie's excited to have the older girls in the piece because she looks up to them. I'm sure she does. Kelly is excited that Paige finally gets to do her solo BUT (natch) it's not a fair chance since she's up against Kendall, who's 9, adding she hopes Paige does better than her. Then she begins her psycho episode by wondering why the girls are in a gymnastics class instead of rehearsing their solo. Uh, isn't that what you paid Abby to do? TEACH? Although, frankly, I don't find gymnastics in the same area as dancing. In fact, I halfway expect that Abby has a welding course somewhere in her studio. Trying to veer the conversation in another direction, Christi admits she's surprised that Paige isn't getting rehearsal time. So, like the insane people that they are, they go to confront Abby about it. Kelly knocks Abby for the lack of rehearsal, considering that last time Paige only had a hour each time she had the opportunity to do the solo, and it was pulled because Kelly felt Paige wasn't prepared each time, along with costume issues from the first time around. This leads to Kelly losing her head and I lost interest in the fight because Abby and Kelly sling enough shit that'll make an elephant jealous.
Kelly and Christi go off to drink their lunch at the Wooden Nickel. Kelly bitches that the choreography sucks (I'd love to agree with her BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN THE DAMN PIECE) and she wishes Abby paid as much attention to Paige's choreography as she does to Maddie Blanche DuBois'. Christi asks if Kelly's going to hire a choreographer again. Nope. The wheel's start turning in Christi's head: "You're gonna do it yourself, aren't you?" BINGO. Christi's well aware that Abby's not the most rational woman in the world, if not at all, and she'll take it out on Paige when she finds out. Kelly doesn't care. Man, she really wants out of this show.
In Ohio, Cathy declares that Abby's going down. The choreography for the group dance, however, doesn't look that great. I'm pretty sure Cathy "cleaned it up" the second those guys left the room. Then, we see Kendall rehearse her solo with Cathy, who comments that Kendall has great talent and potential but she needs work. She says that you have to treat every rehearsal like a performance and Kendall's not there yet. It explains how successful her Apples are at competitions. Jill-Cher wants Cathy to step it up but she's lost interest in Kendall. Over in Pittsburgh, Chloe rehearses her Angry Bird solo, where it's all about character! Chloe says she does well in dark numbers because she's definitely not that dark in real life, so it's unpredictable. After a bit of talk about Chloe's ease with technique, we're on our way to the moms. Melissa still talks to Jill-Cher (WHY?!) who claims she's starting to not enjoy the Crapples as much anymore and that she's getting tired by the 2 1/2 hour drive. Christi plays the tiny violin to the tune of "Give me a fuckin' break". THEN Melissa says that Jill-Cher admitted that Abby's choreo is better! Uh, no shit. We can see that from space.
At Kelly's home, the diabolical plan to re-choreograph Paige's routine has begun. As Kelly begins to morph into one of those "I-know-it-all" moms, Paige is growing more and more upset. She admits that she's scared Abby will throw the chair again while Kelly tries to reassure Paige that it doesn't matter anyway and they really shouldn't care. Ugh... the next day, Kelly has Paige (in a lace top) rehearse some more but Paige wants to do it in another studio. Kelly doesn't want that to happen because if Abby sees what they're doing NOW, they're going to get killed. This really should end well.
Hey, it's competition day! It's a Nexstar competition in Akron held in a very beautiful theatre. Abby stresses that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE TO CATHY, DAMN IT. It's all about the Nationals! In the dressing room, Kelly's relieved that they're rushing to get things done so Abby won't have a chance to see Paige's solo. I'll bet that's how it played out in real time. Elsewhere, the Apples arrive and I nearly die laughing when Cathy boasts that they're walking in and out as winners. In the ALDC room, there's more Paige talk (whatever happened to the rest of the girls?) as Kelly preps her daughter, telling us that Paige is very nervous about the piece. If yawning, looking sleepy and possibly fed up with all this bullshit going on between Abby and Kelly translates as "nervous" then Paige is "nervous". Elsewhere, Jill-Cher, Crazy Cathy, and Kendall are having her work on some tricks and leaps. Jill-Cher bitches and moans about the lack of rehearsal time for Kendall but that's nothing new. Chloe, on the other hand, is given some pep talk from Abby and we're finally on our way to compete.
Chloe is up first and she doesn't panic this time around. She says that's she's nervous (as always) but she'll do fine. I don't care how many times she repeats that in every episode but she still manages to charm me by saying that. So I'm a softy. Shut up. Anyway, she's wearing this ridiculous costume that makes no sense and, while she's dancing, her earring flies off. Christi immediately panics because Chloe has a turn sequence in this number where she lands on her leg and if she lands on the earring, there's gonna be a lot of blood over the stage. As I hold my breath, Chloe manages to avoid disaster and does an awesome job. I guess she had no idea the earring fell out because a judge comes out afterwards to pick it up.
Paige is up next to compete and Kelly changes her tune by saying that Paige isn't nervous about the piece, she's nervous about what's going to happen AFTER the piece. I'm more excited over the fact that, after nearly a YEAR, we finally get to see this goddamn piece. As expected, Abby notices the new choreography and is baffled, BAFFLED, by it. Abby is critical, bashes Kelly a bit and says that she should stay off the barre and stay at the bar, doing what she does best, which is drink. I think someone's still mad over the fat joke weeks ago. Kelly's proud of Paige for
Kendall follows. She gets a chance to recite her lines this episode by saying that her mom wants her to prove that she's a good dancer. You know that movie Center Stage, the one with the overbearing mother whose bulimic daughter is the best ballet dancer in the school? I really hope that doesn't happen to Kendall. But, oh no, HER music's skipping. Man, Cathy really is delusional or Lifetime's running out of ways to keep this shit interesting. Jill-Cher can see the fear in Kendall's eyes while Cathy, ever the team player, says that Kendall flatlined by not making any corrections. Abby says that Kendall is a beautiful girl but it was a hot mess. What the hell did Cathy do to this kid?! She also says that Kendall's basically wasting her time in the car ride over to the Crapples and that going there was a BIG mistake. Agreed.
It's time for Jill-Cher to lose her baskets as she tries to say that it doesn't matter to Cathy/Kendall. But now she's having a meltdown in the stairwell while Mitchell the choreographer tries to calm her down. What a nice man for putting up with her crap. Cathy, on the other hand, says that Jill-Cher is too pushy (pot calling the kettle black) and that they're well aware that she's a studio hopper: If it's not happening now, then she's going to switch gears. The whole scene only made me question over what the hell was going on. I really need to drink while watching this show.
Over in the ALDC room of doom, Paige is upset while Kelly TRIES to give her a pep talk. Kelly says something about allowing Paige follow her dream. You know, if you butt out every once in a while, maybe I'd believe you. Kelly tries to come up with a loophole: All Abby said was "Work on the solo" and that's it. Clever! Paige begins to cry and I just want to give her a hug, the poor thing. Holly, who eerily has been absent a whole lot this episode (in manner similar to Mike Ruiz on that train wreck The A-List, or, as I called it, Mean Gays: She pops up at juuust the right moment), says that she can just feel the whirlwind of a fight coming. Abby and the "Abby's Pissed" background music enters the room and, rather calmly, she asks Paige what just happened on the stage. Kelly opens her yap and it goes down, ladies and gents, complete with condescending tones and shouting galore from both Abby and Kelly, so I didn't pay attention to a lot of it. That is, until Abby directly asks Paige what did she think was wrong with the piece. Paige tells her that it was too "easy" for her, and that she wanted to be challenged. Go Paige! Then the pissing match continues. Jabba the Lee says that Kelly condoned Paige going behind her back (even though Kelly was the one who made Paige re-learn the damn piece) while Holly ushers the kids out of the room, save for Paige. Then Abby says that it's all Kelly's fault, Kelly accepts responsibility, and Paige cries. I REALLY need to drink during this show.
Time for the group numbers. Team Crapple does a very lame chant and Cathy's one brain cell finally gets it that one point does not equal a land slide. Over in ALDC land, the ringers come in (in white lace!) and they join the team in a "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" chant that far outshines the Apples' thing. There's more Apple berating and someone says something funny where I KNOW I'm going to hell for.
Before the showdown begins, Cathy goes to sit behind the Moms, but Christi's noticed something very peculiar about Cathy: She hasn't been stirring any shit with the moms at this competition so far. It bothers me too, especially when she's not wearing some dead animal around her neck. The Apple's are up first and, lookie! There's a clip of the whole damn thing! From the show's perspective, Christi says that the Crapples should get a special judges award for finding another way to use Vivi-Anne (FREE VIVI!!!!!) as a human prop to lower the age ratio. Abby says the piece was like Cathy: Very loud and VERY obnoxious. Holly says that this piece wasn't much of a slam dunk but, nevertheless, Abby says that she's a bit worried. And Christi sums it up the best: "Did they REALLY just bring on a gong?"
In my point of view, I thought the piece was all over the place. Sure, there were some good moments, but they were repeated so many times, it kind of dampened the piece a bit, such as Justice doing the same old gymnastics (ARGH!) and leg extensions three hundred times within the piece, the older girls doing 47 fouettes, knock-knee Vivi and mystery blonde boy doing nothing the entire time, and, of course, the obnoxious props.
Now it's time for "Land Unforgiven". Abby says some nonsense about the girls taking over the crops and how they're going to chop the apple tree down. Melissa sucks up by saying the costumes were beautiful and the big girls rocked it. Abby's relieved the big girls are in the piece and that they're calm and collected and beautiful. Christi, being a softie, cries in the audience so you know it was good. There's no full clip floating around there so I can only judge from the show snippet and I feel that only Catherine could hang with the group because she's not that much taller than them but the older girls were stunning. However, the piece was very reminiscent of the Murdered Children piece.
FINALLY, it's awards time! Paige gets seventh! That's pretty damn good, considering Chloe was in sixth. Christi's thrilled but she hopes Kendall doesn't place first (in a manner where I'm not sure where that was either mean or hopeful. Kind of like this whole episode: You have no idea what you should be rooting for). She doesn't and, uncharacteristically, I let go of my breath. No time to relax, because it's time for the GROUP AWARDS. I hold my breath as our girls are announced to be in fifth place. Holly's dreading the moment that the Apple's are announced to be first... which they don't and, again, I let go of my breath. PHEW! The ALDC celebrates, Kelly encourages Paige a little since Kendall didn't win, Abby enters in a great mood doing some odd celebratory dance and I'm loving it. She even congratulates Paige, which Kelly. More arguing ensues but I didn't care because the episode's almost over.
We just have to check in on the Apple's first. Cathy/Jill-Cher (I forget which) thinks they should've been on top (yeah, right). Mitchell tries to tell Jill-Cher that she shouldn't worry about it but she goes ballistic. Cathy ignores her and Jill-Cher believes Cathy's acting like this because she's embarrassed. Plausible. Jill-Cher believes that leaving Abby maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay have been a mistake and thinks her time here is coming to a close. (Spoiler: IT DOES, since I've seen pictures of Kendall performing with the ALDC girls again through Christi's Twitter).
The ALDC goes to meet up with Crazy Cathy, who calls them the "Goon Squad". Bitch, please. She blows them off while Candy Apple Mom Tanya (HI TANYA!) apparently plays referee once again. In the end, Abby achieved what she set out to do: Beat the Apples. And they did. And the episode ends. PHEW!
Next time: Madame Leslie Rose returns, there's more screaming from everyone, Christi's yelled at, Abby yells at Leslie, and, according to the Lifetime bumpers, Chloe could be ditching the competition for a school field trip. Oh no, not Chloe!
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