Project Runway: Candy is Dandy!

Previously on Project Runway: Times Square fashion show! Gunnar proved to be a Joshua clone/Mean Girl, Christopher wins the first challenge, Gunnar thinks Christopher's head will swell with ego, completely sidestepping his being a pot, and some knit lover named Beatrice went home.


First, I almost missed the first few minutes of this episode because my ever-growing petulant brother said that he was "watching" The Big Bang Theory. Princess Grace has never watched this show, so why is he starting now? Anyway, he eventually sulked away to play video games a.k.a. scream at the television and curse the gods whenever his character dies/a play doesn't turned out the way he wanted/something else stupid.

Second, I often read TVGasm and one of their PR posts compared Gunnar's hair to a skunk... which got me thinking...

Kindred Spirits?

Okay, I'm done with real world bitching/observations. Back to our regular programming!

Tis a brand new day with sunny skies! As Kooan speaks some random gibberish, the guys talk about Beatrice going home. Lantie moans about being on the bottom while some of the girls think Beatrice shouldn't have gone home. Well, it's a little too late for that. Christopher is thrilled he won the first challenge but Ven is pissed surprised he won. Ven's a teensy bit egotistical, ja?

Heidi announces the challenge in the first of her fugly outfits for this episode, a plaid monstrosity, while Elena follows suit and wears... something on her head. Heidi cryptically tells them that fashion isn't child's play and that Tim's waiting for them at a sweet location. Because he bathes in sucky sewer juice, Dmitry fears that this challenge will involve children and candy. Oh lighten up, dude.
They arrive at their location for their challenge which turns out to be one of my favorite stores ever: DYLAN'S CANDY BAR. As I squeal in excitement and immediately develop a craving for swirly lollipops and those comfortable colorfully striped pants (which they don't have at the moment. Weird), Tim introduces the founder, CEO, and guest judge Dylan Lauren, who is dressed in a sweet top and tie. She's also the daughter of Ralph Lauren, so I can officially say that I do shop in a trendy store. It's the unconventional challenge which Mean Girl Gunnar claims he's been dreaming of since he was cast on the show. Raul, however, is less than thrilled about working with unconventional materials. Dylan's sweet enough to give the designers 50% off the entire store so their budget of $100 has increased to $500. Awesome! They have one day to complete the challenge and 30 minutes to raid their hearts away. And raid they go.

Increasingly disappearing Nathan is overwhelmed by everything in the store and Fabio goes for candy legos. Buffi says that this challenge is about avoiding working with regular fabrics so she's going to avoid things like pillows and t-shirts, which Old Broad Andrea beelines for and compares them on employees. Kooan points out obvious facts like candy will be hard to work with, Lantie nibbles away on a lollipop, and Raul buys rainboots. At the register, Christopher asks if they sell chocolate boyfriends because he'd like one. Okay, points off for that one. If there's anything I hate more in the world (aside from my brother playing video games and sleeping with a lamp on), it's a guy making really bad pick up lines, showing desperation. He's only two years older than me. Don't fall down that path!

In the workroom, Fabio plans on making a jacket with the rock candy and I notice that he has a glitter fingernail as well, so I'm guessing it's just one of those fun group things contestants like these do, like bracelets or pajamas and such. Buffi aims for a cutesy dress while Elena continues to strive for "edgy" in a design that's way too similar to her dress last week. Before leaving, Tim advises that the designers and Lantie should have fun with it and reminds that Christopher has immunity. He jokes that he could even take a nap if he wanted to and I just love these two having fun, but Mean Girl Gunnar gives a bitch face for the ages. When Tim leaves, Buffi comments that this is way out of Christopher's comfort zone, while Mean Girl Gunnar believes Christopher is threatened by him. It could be why Christopher didn't make it through the first time while Gunnar-- oh wait. Oops.

Dmitry tries to get my attention by recapping the challenge, but I'm bored so we move on to someone equally boring, Alicia, who plans to make a one strapped overall, which I believe overalls and jumpsuits are back "in". I want overalls now, with the lollipop and pants. Alicia plans to make it green with it going into browns to make it "earth-like"... so let's move on to someone growing more likable, Sonjia! She's using gummy sharks which matches her blue hair and wants to cover as much of the muslin as she can. Smart girls are smart. As Christopher says that Mean Girl Gunnar is the "evil" twin and he's the "good" twin (points regained!), he plans to keep his distance from the bitchy queen. Elsewhere, my girlfriend Buffi is whacking away at an umbrella for it's fabric, to the annoyance of Ven, who thinks it's unnecessary. Keep this in mind for later. Lantie hasn't had any camera time in a while, so she whines about having a headache, being in the bottom, and how she couldn't open a store and had to file for bankruptcy. But now she's here on a reality program to restart her career, so it's obvious she's going home. Dmitry continues to bore us by saying Lantie's not pushing herself. Duh-huh.

Old Broad Andrea feels a special kinship with this challenge as she was born on Halloween! She plans to make an apron for a Victorian clerk gone wild (or, in layman's terms, "Steampunk"). Kooan, for a change, is quiet so maybe someone did spike his drink with Paxil. He plans to make a trainwreck made out of twizzlers. Melissa believes that it wasn't going as well as he thought it was as Sonjia thinks that the designs shouldn't look so "Candy Land" as Serious Minded Ven thinks it should still be "wearable". It's his turn for character development as he boasts about his FIT degree, designer of the year status from there, and how he won all four awards given at the ceremony, which has never been done before. But, honestly, get some personality, you cue-ball.

It's Tim time! He goes to Nathan first, probably because he got maybe 5 milliseconds of camera time last week. I mean, I don't even remember seeing his intro thing. Nathan's making a bubble skirt but the issue is that it's so weighed down with candy, it's getting to be a bit heavy. But he's almost used up all his camera time for this episode so Tim sashays over to Christopher to have a laugh or several. Seriously, I kind of love these two together. Anyhow, Christopher initially was going to make some pants (O_O) but instead settled on doing a skirt (phew...). As Tim believes Christopher is ahead of the game, Mean Girl Gunnar bitches about something about Christopher because he's practically like Phi Phi O'Hara (Pheces O' Ptosis) from Drag Race: Gunnar vibrates with rage about everything. Raul flabbergasts Tim while Melissa impresses him with what she's doing with the black (duh) licorice, which I legitimately thought was leather. Go you! Elena is concerned with the lack of color she has (she's only using pina colada twizzlers, which is as attractive as smoker's teeth) but Tim tells her to own what she's made already. Raul doesn't think her aesthetic will appeal to the judges but he's done nothing interesting so far so why waste breath on him. Sonjia's doing pretty good as Tim swans his way over to her station as he expresses approval over the seaglass effect of the gummy sharks. Ven believes she has a wow factor because of the dress, but that's just the pre-show to what he's trying to do. Ven wants to make his dress look like stained glass, but hasn't done much, and drips with hypocrisy as he says he's going to HAMMER the rock candy to achieve the effect. Feegan Fabio plans to glue the shit out of his garmet and Tim's impressed by Buffi's weaving. STYLIST Lantie thinks Buffi's look is gharish. Mean Girl Gunnar is making a dress that looks like macaroni noodles and hopes he wins. I'm hoping he goes home soon.
Dmit-zzzzz is waiting for his model to arrive to put the finishing touches on the dress but Tim's worried for him because he has no idea when the models are arriving. Does Lifetime have to lie on THIS SHOW TOO?! Kooan's back to charging speed, tells Tim he's starting over from scratch, and has an orgasm. Tim likes Alicia's idea but STYLIST Lantie throws him off when she says that she's going to use laptop sleeves as part of the design. He's all, "Um, isn't there supposed to be CANDY invovled?" but he bypasses that by bringing up the time issue. As for Old Broad Andrea, Tim says he's underwhelmed with her design that she thought was so rocking. Andrea now feels screwed, tries not the cry, and gives us a look at what this confessional area looks like so she can have a moment and tell the cameras to stop rolling.

Around this time, my sister entered the room and had an idea that she thought was great, which was to bring back the shitty designers to re-compete. She compared this to Rock of Love. I hung my head as logic bounced off of her.

It's now the final hours and Old Broad Andrea has calmed down just a teense. She's starting anew, sort of, but now feels lost with her design. Dmit-zzzzz whines about the candy not shining and Elena whines about puking from the smell of the melting Twizzlers. Kooan's dress, unsurprisingly, is butt ugly but Buffi would eat it. Just when the designers wonder where their models are, the models arrive for fittings. Most of the designers, particularly Christopher, don't have anything ready for them so the model dine on the candy. And who says models don't eat? Dmit-zzzzz finally tries on the damn thing and thinks he's on top but I frankly don't care. Sonjia can't believe how serious everyone is about finishing on time (which is pretty much the premise of the whole show). And the models leave into the night once more. Old Broad Andrea ponders what to do but Mean Girl Gunnar takes a cue from his predecessor, Joshua McKinley the Irritable, and take a peek around at what the others are doing. Christopher calls him "weird" and plans to keep his distance from him.

With 4 hours to go, Ven thinks that the top is going to consist of him and Sonjia, while she finds him sophisticated as she's edgy. Andrea now is trying to line the white of her dress with licorice, taking Tim's advice to heart, but regrets cutting her garment and is worried she might go home tomorrow. STYLIST Lantie is now second guessing the laptop sleeves so she's starting over and uses the umbrella fabric. And we all know how well that goes in this challenge. Just ask Joshua C. and the pet store challenge. This prompts Mean Girl Gunnar to whine so I ignored him as the designers race to finish with only 35 minutes left. Kooan glues cotton candy to his dress while Ven bitches that women would never wear Kooan's clothes. You can just ask Alexander McQueen for a reference there, Ven. Meanwhile, Buffi, who dines on rainbows, smiles, and crazy, is making a bird's nest with the cotton candy that looks kind of neat. Melissa hasn't said anything in a while so it's her task to talk about being burned by the glue gun when, as if on cue, Elena's making a huge fuss. Turns out some of the molten glue dripped onto her hand and thigh. Ow, that's gotta sting but, really, she's overreacting. Christopher makes a valid point over why she would wear "hoochie shorts to work!" HUGS. I mean, yeah, glue guns hurt but, seriously, Elena looks like she's having a heart attack. IT'S JUST GLUE! MAN UP!

The next day,, Elena feels tired and defeated and in pain from the hot glue. Cry me a river. Kooan spots something's off with his... thing and is horrified to discover that the cotton candy is all gone. Sonjia is well aware that cotton candy practically vaporizes the second it touches the air so he's in trouble. Buffi realizes the same thing happened to her nest, which now looks like a pink discus, causing everyone to laugh. Meanwhile, STYLIST Lantie is positive she's sticking around, which translates to "SEE YA!"

Tim arrives but Gunnar's ridiculous hair just drives me to hate him even more. Then the models arrive but everyone is having problems removing their garments without destroying them. Elena, her model, and another designer manage to get hers off the form but ripped it a little. Oops. But, luckily, she has an hour to glue the shit out of it. Mean Girl Gunnar is edited to laugh at this incident and I hope a safe lands on his head. Some hair, make up, and Ven's ever boring personality goes by and it's runway time!

Heidi's fashion faux-pas, part 2, comes in the form of a SNAKESKIN jumpsuit that is not flattering in any way, shape, or form. Since we already know Dylan's the guest judge, let the games begin!

Mean Girl Gunnar's outfit looks kind of stupid, especially the skirt, while Sonjia's blue dress looks pretty swanky but Melissa's black piece looks like a dominatrix's dream. I mean, where's the whip? Nathan reveals his skirt weighs 20 pounds so his model has no choice but to hold it the entire time. Maybe he got inspiration from this Eurovision winner whose outfit was made of porcelain. Poor Old Broad Andrea's dress is a (miles better) copy of Vincent's recycle dress some a few season back and Alicia's overalls were possibly better in theory. Elena's dress is so so, even with the candy falling off but I love the coloring of Fabio's blue skirt. Dmit-zzzzz's isn't that bad, Kooan's another ridiculous mess, and Christopher's is another home run in my book. Raul's looks like it was ripped from an Old Navy commercial and Buffi's, as crazy as it looks, looks really cutesy. As for STYLIST Lantie... oh my, what a mess. It looks like a rejected costume from "That 70's Show", and that's unfortunate, even when Queen of Tacky Buffi notices the lack of candy she used... and it's a CANDY challenge. As for Ven, it's another elegant dress which really does look like stained glass. I guess his thing is roses.

Once more, Heidi simply calls the top and bottom 6, which, unfortunately, includes Mean Girl Gunnar. In the lounge, Old Broad Andrea (who had a 1 on her dress) is relieved to have been safe but she's glad she stayed true to her aesthetic. We'll see how long she lasts there.

THE GOOD:
Sonjia: Heidi likes the texture of the dress and the shape of the back but hates the hat she made. Dylan loves the use of the blues and the angles of the dress. Kors also liked the back while Resident Bitch Nina says it didn't bother her that it looked like a costume, the theme rocks.
Ven: Heidi believes he has great tastes (pun?) and would love to wear the dress he made. Nina calls it "candy couture". Kors likes how he has no idea there's just rock candy and licorice used and the asymmetry. He kept it clean and it came out chic. Dylan is impressed how he manipulated the candy to make it look like that but is bummed that he only used 2 types of candy. Well, it's not like he has a week to use 12 easily destroyed items to make a gown.
Mean Girl Gunnar (sonofabitch): Heidi likes what he's done and thinks it looks chic. Dylan would display it in a window because he managed to make a "print" through the twizzlers. Nina calls it cute and Kors liked how he thought about the woman's body. Gunnar's reaction to these critiques still makes me want to punch him.

THE BAD:
Buffi: She wanted to be playful and chose Carrie from Sex and the City as a muse. Now, while Heidi loves the unconventional challenge, she hates that the skirt lacks candy and is mostly fabric and that Buffi over-accessorized the model, making her look like a 5 year old. Kors compares it to a Toddlers and Tiaras dress (is Lifetime planning to buy THAT show?) and the top looked like it melted. Nina thinks she took the easy way out regarding the skirt, but the only saving grace is Dylan saying she liked the fun graphic top but not the bottom. Keep in mind Buffi's the only one who doesn't come off as combative with the judges.
Lantie: She brags that it's the second dress she made for this challenge. Kors points out that it's the same issues from the last challenge, and that she didn't desgin, she STYLED. Lantie argues with him. Dylan likes how she incorporated the signature stripes of the store but was disappointed that she didn't use the candy as much. Heidi finds it very hard to judge, and I think this is where they show a show of the rain boots Lantie thought was a good idea to restyle (Crocs called and thought those things were ugly). Nina didn't think it looked so bad but she hates how Lantie keeps coming up with excuses.
Elena: Her dress now looks like it has gone through a war. Heidi knew it was hers because it used the same shape from the last challenge. However, this isn't good, especially when it makes the girl looks big. Kors calls it Rigatoni Mad Max, there's no joy, and her boobs look like old man eyes. This now makes me look at boobs in a whole new way. Elena tries to argue by saying she likes her silhouette but Heidi says that it makes her model look like a dude while Dylan thought it was flat. Nina points out that it's a cohesive look for Elena but there's no fun in it and she HAS to break out of monotones. Elena scowls.

The designers depart and Buffi gives a sad face which made me want to hug her, but at least she's taking it in stride, unlike STYLIST Lantine who bitches and grieves. Deliberations aren't nothing to note of EXCEPT that Kors said Gunnar was "the only one" who thought of using the candy as an accessory. Um, Sonjia and Buffi made hats, and aren't hats accessories? I fear favoritism, but, thankfully, he's forgotten when the judges bring it down to Sonjia and Ven.

The designers are called back for the results:

Winner: Ven. I really wish that I could be more excited but the dick doesn't even bother to smile, so it makes his confessional sound very scripted, and flat. But, hey, at least Gunnar didn't win, and I'll bet he's seething with rage.

Bottom 2: Buffi (no!) and Lantie

Eliminated: Lantie (phew!). Hey, you can't do the same thing twice, STYLIST.

Backstage, a relieved Buffi gets a HUGE hug from Christopher and comically vows to never use pink again and dye her hair black, to which the others protest. Aww.

NEXT TIME: It's the first team challenge of the season (please God, let it be the ONLY one), which is possibly designer for past PR competitors, including ANYA THE GREAT (yay!). Bitchiness is abound.

Dance Moms: The Bunny Boiler

Previously on Dance Moms: Madame Leslie Rose returned to scream, convulate logic, and throw glassware. Team Seaslug returned and, amazingly, acted pretty mature despite screwing up greatly. There were cringe worthy auditions for Drop Dead Diva and Lifetime lied to us once more. Act surprised. And I apparently got over my lace complex.

Everyone gathers for the Pyramid but Holly is nowhere to be found. Luckily, Christi assures Abby she'll be there later and Abby, for once, doesn't give Nia hell about it. The epic win from last week is celebrated briefly but, before the pyramid even begins, JILL-CHER barges into the room with a horrendous hairdo. She apologizes (flatly) and, oh, can Kendall come back to the team? OH HELL NO. But, since Jill-Cher only knows how to talk (seriously, is she deaf?), she really doesn't care. Christi says that Candy Apple's didn't give her what she wanted (featured spots and solos) so she's "hop, hop, hopping" back to Abby. Chloe starts giggling for some reason (probably because this is so ridiculous) as Jill-Cher refuses to shut up. Abby (I think) says that Jill-Cher might have a hot new hairdo and new clothes but she's still the same old shit-stirrer. She drags (LITERALLY) Kendall in with her headshot to put up on the pyramid, thinking that in itself will work while the other girls greet Kendall Maureen Cummings, who is crying. Poor thing, FREE KENDALL!! Abby will have none of it and boots her out.

This week, they're competing at another Starpower, because nowhere else will let them film (as stated before), where around 60 entries have been entered. The trio is on the bottom: Macks for being too far ahead of the other two, Nia for the aerial mess up, and Paige for just being in the trio. Huh? Chloe is in the middle because she's not up to par with those she's competing against (11-12). Brooke did an amazing job in the group (and, presumably, the solo that didn't air), had amazing technique and was outstanding. And Maddie's on top and while Abby goes on about her win as always, Christi points out that the moms aren't jealous, it's jsut that they wouldn't shove wins (like Chloe) in the faces of the other children.

Maddie will be doing a solo called, "I Can't Find the Words" and so will PAIGE, who will be doing a number titled, "Creme de la Creme". Yum. Everyone is excited for Nia's solo, which has her name ALL OVER IT, titled "Working Girl", to a song performed by LAQUIFA. First: AGH! Second: Abby, her name is SHANGELA LAQUIFA WADLEY. That is, unless, she's not allowing them to say all that on camera. The group number is based on vampires and love and will feature a boy! Macks finds boys to be "Icky! Icky! Icky!" Of course, she's totally at ease with Ms. Justine Beiber.

Group rehearsals go underway as we're introduced to Nick (not Brandon as I initially thought) from the Senior company. Maddie describes the group piece as Abby says Nick is there because he can do lifts and he's very trustworthy when it comes to partner work. In the booth, Jill-Cher swans in and Melissa admits she thought she was Cathy at first but soon butters her to her bestie, saying she loves her hair. Jill-Cher is "surprised" that Maureen Cummings wasn't placed on the pyramid but Christi rolls her eyes and whips out her bitchface. Kelly notes that Kendall Maureen Cummings had the perfect opportunity to join this team way back at the auditions and Jill-Cher screwed it up by throwing shoes and being an all out bitch. Abby is irritated that Jill-Cher expected that Kendall would be thrown back into the fray all willy-nilly simply because she was on the team for a few weeks. Christi calls Jill-Cher a huge liar, she even lies about her hair color! Kendall is released early because Abby has a lot of thinking to do. She bolts from the room to the moms, which I think was an escape attempt.

Going on Paige's words last time, Abby is giving her more difficult choreography for her solo, but she knows what Paige can do and Paige should do what she's taught. Jill-Cher interrupts rehearsal once again and Kelly is furious that she's barging in on one of the few times Paige will ever get a private with Abby. Jill-Cher wants to know poor Kendall's fate with this company but Abby will have none of it and promptly throws her out. Again. She has had it with Jill-Cher and thought that was extremely inappropriate and that Jill-Cher has a LOT of groveling and paperwork to do before Kendall can even set foot in the studio again.

On to more pleasurable (?) things, we get to peek in at Nia's solo, where Abby has tourettes demonstrating Nia's opening walk in the number, which is "based on Holly being the original working girl." Erm, I don't think that's true. In other news, Abby's wearing a WHITE shirt for a change. WEIRD! And, speaking of Holly, she graces the room with her presence as Christi tells her she'll NEVER believe who decided to bring her sorry ass back to this hell hole. When Holly has no idea what she's talking about, Christi uses her "Jill-Cher 900 number" voice to say, "I'll give you three guesses." Do I die in hysterics? Yep. So does Holly. In her confessional, Holly describes the embarrassing Laquifa number from last year and hopes this number will be different. Please dear god, no leopard jumpsuits...

The girls are rehearsing when Gia! enters with urgency. Someone's on the phone and it sounds important. At first, I was going to be mortified if it was Jill-Cher telling Abby that she boiled Broadway Baby in revenge but no! It's actually a woman named Cheryl, the casting director from Drop Dead Diva with some news. After "watching the auditions" they've "decided" that they're going to hire Maddie in the role of young Deb. Maddie's "excited" but not NEARLY was excited as Abby. Nia signs the news to the moms, who are less than thrilled, especially since the audition called for a "blonde" and Maddie's a blonde-ish brunette (who'll probably be made with wear a wig. If that's the case, couldn't Brooke have done that for the audition? And why have the Crapples audition in the first place when almost NONE where blondes?) and Maddie probably knew about it to begin with so why bother with the auditions. Christi laments that the girls know that it's not a level playing field but they shouldn't be USED to it. That's kind of disturbing. Skeptical Holly knew that someone's name was on that role and that someone was Maddie, the star of this show, which just so happens to air on Lifetime, which also airs Drop Dead Diva so I'm with Holly here. Abby has Maddie tell the moms, who congratulate her for getting the part. Melissa the Snatch tries to pass it off that the moms are just "jealous" as Maddie says that she tried to remain humble (this time I'll believe her) because she didn't want her friends to be mad as Christi wishes that things were fair and even. As sad as that is, since when is the world fair and even, especially with Lifetime whitewashing the shit out of this show?

It's three days before the competition and Abby is screaming at Nia because her hair keeps falling out. Uh, she's had these braids since the beginning of the second half of this season so why is she yelling at her about this NOW? She also wants Nick to really bite the girls in the routine but before things can continue, Jill-Cher rears her botoxed face in once more.

How can we miss you IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

Holly is shocked at how different she looks with her whack job hair (she didn't say that) while Christi jokes that she's in the witness protection program. If she was, I'll bet huge money her name would've been "Nancy Cummings" (I will reference that movie until the end of time). Abby throws Jill-Cher out yet again, since she's more concerned over her choreography than Jill-Cher's antics. Jill-Cher's story is that she had no idea when the rehearsal was (it could be that ABBY DIDN'T WANT YOU THERE) while Abby yells at Kendall, crying again, that she should control her mother. But Kelly believes that Abby will play at Cathy's game and only take her back just to get back at Cathy. Kendall's put back into the group anyway, considering Macks is way too young for this kind of theme. But Abby's still not pleased with the group. She asks Gia! if she should cut down the people in the group. Gia! thinks she should. Abby decides she'll make the big decision at the competition, which I'm not sure is even possible but what do I know at this point. She hints that Nia would be shafted because she has a solo to focus on and her hair's a mess, but Holly isn't pleased with this news. Abby asks Paige is she would be upset if Kendall took her place in the group. Yup. What if she was better than you? Uh, rude.

In Studio C, Abby wants to discuss the whole Drop Dead Diva thingy. She doesn't get why the moms wouldn't be happy for another's success. THAT'S A BAD ROLE MODEL. Uh, look who's talking! The kids are shocked that Abby would think of such a thing while the model recite the lines they were learning earlier. Christi confessionalizes that Abby is reprimanding them for not being happy for Maddie (which is a big ole lie, of course) yet she blew Chloe off when she got the lead in the music video and the Joffrey intensive.

Then Holly takes the stage for sticking by her (possibly accurate) views that the audition was rigged. On this show? Ridiculous! Not. She delivers this in an outstanding speech. Abby tries to change the topic by attacking Nia's hair, calling it "horrible". Such a woman of wise words. Holly fires back by telling Abby to "look in the mirror" and attacking Abby's horrible hair and wardrobe. As I'm dancing for joy for Holly, Abby claims that the braids are weighing Nia down. NIA then enters the fray by shaking her head and telling her that they definitely don't. It concludes when Holly says Abby should fix herself first before she tries to change anyone else. Yep. I'm on Team Holly.

While Abby has no idea what to do about the group, she does want to work on Maddie's solo, which is about writing a love letter, which is something Maddie is excited over. Over on the internets, the moms from DMM were getting pissed because they did something very similar in one of their routines but I'm calling foul because I'm pretty sure so have another 458,291 other studios. Melissa describes the number as not finding the right words to tell someone they love them. Oh brother. She doesn't want Maddie to be affected by all this nonsense. Whoops, too late. Abby says that success and jealously goes hand in hand and Maddie, who's barely 9, should get used to it. So she forced Maddie to bring in all her crowns. HUH? Abby says Maddie should be proud and to rub it in their faces from time to time. What the fuck is she smoking?

Appropriately, the moms, except Melissa, are less than thrilled. Melissa gives a bitch face for the ages. Maddie admits that she didn't want to bring in the crowns but she had no choice because she had to follow the rules. Aww... The moms accurately point out that Maddie's getting uncomfortable but Melissa Supersnatch decides to go tattle on them like the mature role model that she is. She delivers some half assed rant about not trying to hurt the children but Abby yells at her for squashing Maddie's dreams. Um, WHAT? Then Melissa starts crying, most likely for getting yelled at and not for whatever bullshit she was spouting.

It's competition time, where Abby comments on the HUGE competition and all that crap. She's keeping the decision a complete secret (this makes no sense in what's to come) but Kendall is crying, this time because Jill-Cher watched the first season, saw Maddie got sick, and got top o' the pyramid she has a stomach ache. Poor thing. But Abby's like "So, get some medicine?" Well, Jill-Cher gets into yet another pissing match with Abby, who proceeds to tell Kendall to suck it up. Nia then rehearses but stops when Abby criticizes her for something. She forgot the routine! AGAIN! Thankfully, it was in the dressing room but Holly, apparently a little too high and mighty from the discussion with Abby, proceeds to calm her down, assuring her she does know the routine but to "suck it up". Totally producer fed. Nia then does a calming regimen backstage and tells us that she freaked out a little bit in the dressing room. Holly is praying that Nia does well and is acting like a basket case in the audience. She goes to dance and, while it's not necessarily the greatest thing I've ever seen, it's miles better than the "Laquifa" number. Nia's on fire in this routine with energy abound, complete with the death drop at the end. Macks tells us she would be terrified to do the death drop. Whatevs. Nia receives a standing ovation and Holly tells us she's one "proud mama."

LOVE THEM.

Maddie goes to dance in what I swear is one of the nice blue dresses from the Homeless girl number. Yet another fine dance, blah blah, same goofy horse face, added with the look of constipation. Melissa wishes it were longer. If she wanted, Melissa would want Maddie's solo to last 3 days. Paige goes and, while it's not my favorite, it's not too shabby. Abby says that she applied every correction and she's earned those privates from now on. Oh, what fools they are for saying that now...

During the solo awards, Paige admits that she wishes they weren't competing against each other. Nia places 9th place AND wins the "Fiercest Attitude" award! Paige gets 6th place while Maddie wins her standard first place by 3/10th of a point. Lather, rinse, repeat. Abby is proud of all three, especially since her goal was to have all of them place in the top 10. Yeah, wahoo and all, where's my boxed wine?

As Abby makes the cruel cuts, she notices something's awry. "WHY IS KENDALL WEARING A WHITE BOW IN HER HAIR??!!!" she yammers. She hasn't even told them if they're in the routine or not!! Kendall calmly tells Abby that Jill-Cher put the bow in her hair. Jill-Cher, who is way less mature than anyone ever, goes apeshit over the dumb bows. Again, she goes into a pissing match with Abby over... manners? Then Jill-Cher screams that none of the moms ever stand up for her. Well, that's cause bitch, you crazy. In sum, Abby has had enough.

Now it's time to determine the members in the group. She wants Paige and Brooke to demonstrate their back tucks but decides against it after realizing that the hotel rug isn't exactly the smartest place to do gymnastics on, since it's only a rug and concrete. Paige wants to do one anyway and BAM! Smashes her foot into the floor. It doesn't look good but she's suprisingly calm throughout all of this. What is it that makes us freak out over glue gun burns but when major bones are smashed, we're like "Oh, no biggie." Although, maybe it's because Paige sees this as her Get Out of Jail free card. Jill-Cher, taking a cue from Madame Leslie Rose, silently sees an opening for poor Kendall. Nia is told that she did fantastic in her solo so she doesn't need to be in the group, earning a "Congrats" from Abby. And in the end, Kendall doesn't make the group after all. It's Team Juggernaut (Brooke, Maddie, and Chloe) who'll be dancing with Nick. As always, Jill-Cher screams about it not being fair or whatever but Abby is well aware that Jill-Cher is only concerned about herself.

The group warms up backstage and I'm pretty sure they're wearing the "Land Unforgiven" dresses (not Nick, of course. He's just dressed in a ripped tuxedo). I love the song and I thought the dance was pretty good and very slick. Christi thought Nick was excellent at showcasing the girls individually and with ease and Abby is confident she made the right decision. The routine, "Twilight" (screams into the night), wins first! Abby's on top of the world and Christi feels the victories were deserved. Then Abby blows it by asking if Jill-Cher has any final remarks. She does. Basically, yeah, they won which is why Kendall should be back on this team. You're kidding me right? Then she tries to shush Abby while Abby says that she doesn't solicit students. Jill-Cher says that Abby is a punisher (no shit, Sherlock) and that she only cares about herself. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... Yet another pissing match ensues with Jill-Cher screaming that all the moms suck while Christi calls her insane. Jill-Cher then proceeds to scream as Abby comforts poor Kendall, saying that it's going to cost her a lot of money for her (Jill-Cher's) therapy. If any one needs therapy, it sure as hell is going to be Kendall. She ends the episode by saying Abby's sick and is acting like a baby, forgetting that this is all being broadcast on national television.

Next time: The Olympics are coming so there won't be an entry for another two weeks! Paige has a busted foot so her duet with Chloe is in jeopardy, something the laughing Jill-Cher doesn't miss. Kelly cries, Christi blows a fuse and Chloe is terrified, crying and holding her chest like as if someone just ripped something off of it. I fear the worst...

Project Runway: It Begins!

Once again, at the request of my darling aunt (who helped create my "contestant" character for this show. He'll be coming soon, as soon as I remember the name she gave him/she comes up with a new one), I shall be recapping PROJECT RUNWAY and, since that horrendous All Star season is out of the way, let's see the new batch of poor souls who'll be forced to sew complicated dresses in 12 seconds or less. I'm also very happy SYTYCD got rid of their results show so I don't have to switch back and forth between Heidi and the ever lovely Cat Deeley or watch the show at some ridiculous hour. But first...

EET'S TIME FOR PROJECT RUNVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

 Thanks Heidi! You didn't need the microphone.

Skipping over the casting and the first few minutes of the Times Square Challenge, let's dive right in to see these new people go for the gold.

We're introduced to a Cheetah-hair-printed woman with a gooooooooorgeous accent named Buffi. Immediately, I took a liking to her simply because of the accent. She's half Indian and Australian but grew up in Dubai. She's wearing pink cheetah leggings. She could be a family friend. Gunnar, a designer who didn't even make the cut last season, is back with a horrendous hairstyle. Already, I'm picking up Joshua McKinley vibes from him and I HATED Joshua last season, so this should turn out well. They're the first to arrive at Parsons, drawing confusion from me at home. Gunnar tells us that, for the first challenge, they were told to create a piece at home based on their aesthetic. That's great and everything but why? We'll see soon because we've got more crazies to meet!
Lantie mistakenly calls herself 38 in her introduction (she's ten years older than that, ha ha!). Elena designs for the "edgy" girl and while I like her designs, I think her photos are frickin' scary. Then we're introduced to a crazy Japanese man named Koohan, who has an afro. Normally, I like the Japanese and their style and way of life, but this guy irritates the shit out of me and is in desperate need of Paxil. Melissa, who I called "Blondie" for a while because I caught the first episode at the halfway point and they refused to give out her name for a while, initially wanted to be a lawyer, saw how boring it was, and spent the last ten years earning her masters. She will be portraying the designer who LOVES black, like April and Stella from seasons past. Ven, an serious minded Indian dude who, like myself, possibly cares more about his passion than having a life, says that while avaunt-garde is nice, you're still going to have to be realistic and SELL things.

Uncle Tim swans into the work room and Buffi admits she has a fashion crush on him. Awww! Tim speaks to them about the HP Tablets and all the standard Tim-isms but also announces that, for the first challenge, the designers will have to create a companion piece to the design they made at home. Huh. He also says that this will be the BIGGEST presentation EVER in PR history. They shall be presenting their pieces in front of a live audience in Times Square. The designers are, naturally, nervous. Sketching time arrives and it's time to learn even more about this crew. Christopher almost worries me by playing the "nervous and can't believe I'm here" card. You know who did the same thing? Lashauwn Beyond and bitch was eliminated second on Drag Race so DON'T DISAPPOINT ME. He lives in Massapequa with his family after dropping out of college but he's confident. That alone makes me want to befriend him. Alicia, the dreadlocked lesbian, thinks her being a lesbian designer and her designs for tomboys will set her apart. Beatrice is worried about sewing, because she's not experienced there so she's set up with the Adios edit. She's also freaked out about time because it took her 4 days to make her original look so this one day challenge is going to kill her.

MOOD TIME! I pray that no one loses their money this time. As Koohan continues his insanity and need to have his coffee laced with valium, Melissa beelines for the blacks in a room we've never even seen at Mood before. It looks like a tux shop. Beatrice's Adios edit continues as she goes for the knits and goes on how she basically had to work for herself as a designer. Raul is a menswear designer who enjoys the free creativity that comes with designing womenswear. He seems like a dick. You know who else was like that? That creepy Keith guy who was disqualified for having pattern books and leaving production without permission to use email and visit his boyfriend. Seriously, what's with the character repeats? It makes these people a lot less interesting.

In the workroom, there's a spot on the wall with pictures of the past 9 winners of PR, including Anya the Great, and Christopher (I'm pretty sure he hates being called "Chris", kind of like how I despise being called "Christopher") clearly jokes about taking over that 10th spot. Old Broad Andrea is the oldest gal of the bunch at 58 but, unlike other old broad Peach, she's seems to be more hippie and less awesome chick. Andrea has every degree known to man in Art and is also a professor of fashion. Gunnar, at 22, is the baby of the bunch. Now, I tend to have a huge love for reality contestants with southern accents (Examples: Anthony Ryan from PR season 9, Ms. Jaclyn from ANTM cycle 16, and, of course, MS. LAURA from ANTM 13 and All Stars) but Gunnar makes me want to punch him very, VERY hard. Raul runs into some trouble with his fabric as it falls apart in his hands. Blue haired Sonjia (what what?) is pretty positive she has ADD and, although she's only had a career in retail management, is taking this opportunity by the horns and, like Dida Ritz, thinks everyone should love everyone. I'll predict she's an early ouster. Fabio from Brazil was practically put to sleep by his grandmother's sewing machine when he was a kid. He describes himself as a freegan, meaning that he gets his food from dumpsters. That's gross but I know where he's coming from, considering I've found 2 t-shirts, many hats, scarves, and gloves, 2 pairs of socks, AND a sweater lying in the streets. I'm missing a pair of pants and I'll have a complete trash outfit. Andrea thinks that, while he seems to be a nice young man, she won't be having dinner at his place anytime soon. LOL! Buffi jokes about being a "feegan", which is a fake vegan and says she likes to make people laugh. This doesn't work for incredibly serious and boring Dmitry, who likes to be quiet. As Mean Girl in the rising Gunnar speaks, Christopher has some issues with his sewing machine and is worried about sending a hot mess down the runway.

Over in the lounge, Melissa stares at photos of seasons past and Andrea thinks Dmitry looks like an actor. Well, he was a performer for a while! Or, at least, that's what I thought he said because he designed ballroom costumes for a while. It's getting ridiculously hard to stay focused on him because homeslice is boring as heck. I think I dozed off a bit while he described his designs as clean. In the workroom, Lancie's second design looks tacky to Buffi, and she saves herself from hypocrisy by saying "And I'm all about tacky!" so that's bad news for Lancie.

Hi Uncle Tim! Melissa is the first one to be critiqued and Tim finds her intriguing so she's in the clear. Sonjia doubts using her jacket and Buffi's design is color diarrhea to Dmitry. Desperately-in-need-of-Downers Koohan is planning on making a coat dress but everyone is confused in about 3 seconds. Beatrice shows off her knits, and Tim thinks Fabio's second skirt looks like a throwaway piece, causing him to panic. Gunnar is excited to be here and credits it to finding his market audience. Lantie used a vintage 60's dress and snakeskin for her design but Raul compares it to a prom dress. Elena was inspired by fencing uniforms and I'm impressed by her designs. She's worried about color (or lack thereof) and Tim's silence isn't helping. Ven is inspired by romanticism and both Elena and Melissa are thoroughly impressed. Raul thinks it looks ridiculous and bad. Karma will bite his ass later so don't worry. Andrea wants to make something punchy and shorter while Raul is concerned about making a dress. Tim is worried about the sheer skirt he's making that looks like an American Apparel knockoff. Christopher is next and Tim is impressed, especially since the sewing machine ate his original dress. Christopher exclaims that he could just KISS Tim but, you know, he doesn't and just fans himself. So he's into the older crowd? Hi there, kindred spirit! And then Tim leaves the room with the hope for a smashing runway tomorrow.

Koohan is panicking and just wants to shave his head (dear GOD please do) while Dmitry thinks Melissa looks like a groupie. Beatrice is having trouble sewing her top and establishes that this competition is HARD. The first battle begins when Christopher does a dead-on impression of Gunnar by chirping like a chipmunk. Mean Girl Gunnar gets all pissy and says that Christopher should shut up while Christopher one ups this by saying Gunnar belongs on Toddlers and Tiaras. Team Chris! The models arrive for fittings and not too much happens beyond Christopher discovering his model is two sizes smaller than the dress form. Lantie hates her dress and would rather make a case out of the snakeskin. In the 15 minute homestretch, Melissa is worried about her hemline, Raul whines some more, and the room is left behind in a disastrous mess. The designers finally arrive home at Atlas and receive goodie bags from L'Oreal which I'm not entirely sure why guys would need them but, then again, I just won't ask that question, especially since I'm set to portray a drag queen in the fall. Everyone then whines about the work they have to do but all I want to do is burn Fabio's hat.

Runway day sees seams flying, designers whining, and Christopher racing to finish his work. Tim arrives and everyone groans because this means that they only have 2 hours to do the works. Beatrice is practically screwed when she accidentally sews a hole through her top, probably facing the possibility of sending her model down topless on the runway. You know, I really hope that happens on this show someday. Ven thinks some people should be worried because he sees a lot of "student work". Catty much? After some last minute adjustments, Tim gathers the group to go on down to the runway.

Runway time in Times Square! Mean Girl Gunnar gay gushes about being there and I'm no more a fan of him than I was 30 minutes ago. After Heidi describes the challenge, she introduces the judges: Gay Melonhead Michael Kors, Resident Bitch at Marie Claire magazine Nina Garcia with guest judges actress Lauren Graham and costume designer, first judge EVER on PR, and all around kickass woman PATRICIA FIELD. I remember her from ANTM (the ANN WARD cycle) where she ripped the girls to shreds in the judging panel and I loved every second of it. Let the show begin!

Ven's pieces are chic, sophisticated, and beautiful but Beatrice's pieces are tragic messes. While Lantie's first piece is nice, her second is a disaster and both Andrea's dresses look like she pulled it from the Mila catalog. Christopher's dresses are both STUNNING and GORGEOUS, which made Alicia's following numbers look very ho hum. Elena is pleased with her looks and I thought they looked slick and cool. Buffi's looks, while party girl at best, look well made as Dmitry used way too many sequins so I guess he's still resting on "ballroom costume". For Koohan, I wrote "WTF. And more WTF" because, while I adore Japanese street fashion, his designs are hot messes. Mean Girl Gunnar has no regrets with his looks but his skirt looks like someone puked on it. Nathan's designs are like him, totally forgettable (did he even talk about himself?). Sonjia's jacket is awesome but the dress is BAD but Melissa's pieces are beautiful. Raul's top is too sheer and his dress makes his girl look ten pounds heavier. Fabio says his pieces are unusual but I say "unwearable", especially since his dress looks like a sack. And thus the show is over.

JUDGING TIME.

Heidi's impressed by the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesigners work and since she never says that in the first episode, that must be pretty good. She rattles off the prizes which are virtually the same from every single season, only this time around the accessory wall and line-shilling website is now Lord and Taylor.

UND A TRËY OF CHEESES!

My mother would always ask if the models win a trey of cheeses as well. Heidi's answer?

OF COURSE, THEY NEED TO EAT!!!

What about the eliminated designers?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Okay. That's enough German Baby Making Machine for one posting. Don't think this is the last you'll see of her.

Rather than attempt to learn everyone's names, Heidi calls out the 6 best/worst designers and dismisses the rest to celebrate in the lounge. And so for our tops and bottoms:

THE GOOD:

Melissa: Kors recognized her vibe the second her girls walked around the corner. He hopes she can do more than just "black clothes" because that could spell trouble for her. Nina liked her pieces, but liked her second one much better. Heidi would wear either of them and thinks they're modern. Lauren thought they told a story and that's hard to do with black.
Christopher: He's wearing the fabric as a scarf! Ha ha! Heidi is in LOVE with the gown but thinks the LBD didn't translate very well. But she still loves them both. Kors loved the fabric manipulation but he hates the girls' styling, seeing it as wedding-ish. Nina saw some issues in the LBD but the gown changed her mind, especially since Christopher hated the fabric. Lauren, who has seen every episode of this series, can't believe how much she can't tell in the detailing, especially with the black. Patricia likes the 30's esque aspect of the pieces.
Ven: Well, this was a no brainer. Heidi liked the cohesiveness and Kors liked the tailoring of the fabric and how he worked with the model's body. Nina thought he was technically good and the bustier was phenomenal. Lauren loved the suit and the colors.

THE BAD:
Koohan: Heidi wrote a lot of "???" on her card. It's strange and intriguing (HELL NO!). Kors says he has a look and it definitely won't go unnoticed, however he sees it as a joke and calls the romper "Teletubby". But at least he can sew. Koohan looks like he has no idea what's going on. Patricia appreciates his visual but it doesn't tailor up easily. Lauren thinks it's inventive and definitely not forgettable but she worries when he has to make something restrained, like a cocktail dress.
Beatrice: After listening to Beatrice give a five hour explanation, Heidi says she didn't like them and she hates the fabrics. She doesn't say she wants to pee on it, because that made my life last season. Nina gets that she likes knits, and the skirt is fine, but dress is much better without the cape. Kors says that it's not enough and he has no idea who this girl is. Lauren says that the dress is pretty but wishes she did other things. Patricia gets that she does "comfort" clothing but it didn't catch her eye. Somehow, I don't think comfort clothing is supposed to catch your eye, unless you're the type who wants to scream "LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS" in shrill tones.
Lantie: Heidi thought the snakeskin wasn't flattering. Kors has no idea what she's trying to say and thought the second piece looked like mosquito netting. Lauren thought the white dress was kind of happy but wished it had more of the flower detail. Nina thought she tried too hard and the second one was horrifying. Patricia makes a valid point that she may be more of a stylist than a designer, because all she did was rework vintage clothing.

Deliberations come and go and it's time to reveal our winner and unfortunate loser.

Winner: Christopher!!! I'd be more excited if he didn't have a painted fingernail. Man up! Gunnar, however, didn't like his arrogance. Well, shit, if it ain't the pot calling the kettle black.

Bottom 2: Lantie and Beatrice
Eliminated: Beatrice. Sorry, whoever you are. But knits are a kno kno.

THIS SEASON ON PROJECT RUNWAY!
Rockettes! Cars! Another unconventional challenge with candy! EMTs! Someone leaving (actually, E news said TWO people voluntarily left)! Lots of crying, screaming, and confusion! Disco Bridesmaids! And lots of bad, BAD critiques!

Dance Moms: We're no Fools, Lifetime

Last time on DANCE MOMS: The Candy Apples faced off against their "nemis", the ALDC, at a Nexstar competition in Ohio, Jill-Cher whined about everything as per usual, Kelly re-choreographed Paige's chair number to Abby's ire but they won against the Crapples!

Strangely, this episode begins with cheery music as the team falls into the studio, chanting the "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" mantra from last week. Abby seems to be in a very good mood since, admittedly they didn't do so well, they were successful in beating the Apple's. They beat them in each category, to which Christi claps. She's gonna go through the pyramid rather quickly because there's TONS to do.

Paige is on the bottom because of mommy's antics to get herself booted from the show. Even though she beat Kendall, she still must do the choreography she was taught. Kelly instantly whines but no one cares about that because that's all she ever does. Mackenzie is next because, even though she has improved greatly, she needs to start pulling her weight in the group routines. Macks looks like she's about to cry. Brooke is finally off probation (yay!) and Brooke is "glad" she's off probation because being on Abby's bad side is never a good thing, especially when we get a flashback to the Chair Toss Seen Round the World. Nia begins the middle row because she has greatly matured since last time where, about 6 months prior, she was crying on her dad's lap because she lost out to Kendall. Abby NEVER wants to have that happen again. Holly is proud that her daughter is improving so much and when things work for her, they click. Maddie is next because she was excellent in the group and Chloe is on the top! She won a costume award (go figure) and made the top 10. Abby is proud of her but she wants her to work on her confidence.

Onto the competition, which just so happens to be STARBOUND in (begins fanning self, in a Southern drawl) Atlaaaanta, Georgia. Why is STARBOUND so important? Well, as Abby will remind the audience approximately 3,000 times in this episode, STARBOUND was the competition where not only did the group place tenth, they lost out to the Candy Apples by ONE PLACING. She says it was one tenth of a point but I remember that it was one point so who knows what to believe. Anyway, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
For the dances that we'll never see, Chloe will be doing a solo titled "Trouble". Ooh! Does this mean she'll be portraying a badass cowgirl?! Abby wants her to use the whole stage and jump higher than she's ever jumped. Maddie's solo will be a lyrical number called "Mom, It Will Never Be the Same". The trio for this week will comprise of Paige, Nia, and Macks, who I called Team Seaslug. They'll be dancing a piece called "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us". The group number, called "All Kids Go", is about the loss of innocence and childhood going away and maturity, so it's not going to make much sense. Everyone's going to be involved except for Mackenzie, who is way too young for this piece. Macks is bummed but I couldn't help but laugh at her hairstyle, which is utilizing a Bump-It. Abby will be bringing in a teen who'll definitely look older to make the piece stand out. And since Big Pimpin' Payton looks old enough to portray Lindsay Lohan now, she'll have to do... which means Madame Leslie Rose is back. Kelly wishes that this wouldn't happen because she thinks the team in general is just fine.

And because Lifetime is trying to distract its incessant lying by being a shill, Abby announces that she got a call from the people who work on "Drop Dead Diva" looking for girls who dance for a bit part in an upcoming episode. Christi seems to agree with me, while Kelly thinks it's a great career opportunity that'll open many doors. Just like that music video? As Payton enters the room, Christi bitches about Chloe being on top of the pyramid but Payton being the star yet again. Nooo! Don't revert back to the old Christi! I like the Sarcastic Christi much better, not "Woe is me, Chloe's being robbed" Christi! It's also pointed out that this is the first time Brooke and Payton will be in the group together, since the past few times, Brooke was a cheerleader and then went to a school dance. Abby asks Payton if she can keep her mother in control, but Payton's frightened face basically answers that question. And just when I couldn't feel even worse, Madame Leslie Rose enters. Christi hilariously describes her by using the direct opposite of what we've seen so far: A sane, easy to get along with woman who uses her inside voice. In five seconds, Leslie puts up a front, setting the stage of a rather angsty episode.

With three days until the competition, Abby is planning to win big. The girls are wearing socks for this number, which Abby describes as a dark, beautiful, and elegant number. Yawn. While Leslie's mouth runs with dripping shit, Christi feels the urge to poke her eye out. Leslie dives right in and says Payton should be on the team permanently. Christi points out that it's only been 5 freakin' minutes and Leslie's already gung-ho on getting Payton on the team and this is going to be a loooooooooong week.

Over in Ohio, Crazy Cathy has a room dedicated to the Apple's. Uh, who cares? First, she breaks the news that Jill-Cher and Kendall will no longer be dancing with them anymore because Jill-Cher demanded more attention for Kendall... or herself. Cathy says it's a great decision which cements that she's just a bitchy old broad. Too bad, so sad. It's a shame they didn't stick around because SHE got a phone call regarding the DDD audition too! Uh, Cathy, they wanted a YOUNG GIRL for the part. You've got grown women in hideous makeup. I'm just very happy you're not competing this weekend.

It's really pathetic Lifetime is trying to plug in a show that's successful in its own right. I mean, I don't going around promoting the next show I'm in here because A) I don't think anybody really reads these but they're still fun to do and B) I don't think anyone would come see. Although, who wouldn't want to see me in LA CAGE AUX FOLLES in the Fall?

It's time for the girls to audition and only Chloe, Maddie, and Paige are auditioning, each with something to bring to the table: Chloe has experience (due to the music video), Maddie seems to be an ambitious nightmare (fitting for the character, I assume), and Paige is kind of a dark horse. That's the only positive thing I'll say about the auditions because, holy shit, THEY SUCKED. As an actor with an A.S. in Visual and Performing Arts, I can say that these were just cringeworthy, but none more so than the Candy Apples. While Abby's girls are no Olivier, at least they memorized the script. The Apples read from it in blank tones and... I REALLY needed a drink.

The moms go out to eat lunch and discuss Kelly's birthday party coming up. After a discussion of what to drink (Kelly: Duh, Mommy Juice!), Kelly drops the bomb that she's inviting Leslie. Why? In a manner where it is so obvious that the producers set her up to do this, Kelly says that she feels like she has to invite her. Her face, however, registers as, "They wanted drama. Leslie brings drama. I have no free will." Christi points out the obvious that she's the ultimate stage mother, hence why I dubbed her Madame Leslie Rose, and compares her to Abby. In other news, Christi brings up that Chloe's not going to be able to be at the rehearsal tonight because she's going on an overnight school camping trip. She just knows that the situation at the dance studio will go down like the Titanic. Hey, clever! The next day, Abby, unsurprisingly, flips out and screams, "Does she NOT wanna go to STARBOUND?!" It was a last minute decision, says Christi, who says she only showed up to protect her kid from the dance teacher, although I'm pretty sure it's also because she has her other daughter dancing there too. Leslie, at first, appears stunned by what's unfolding... or maybe that's the gears in her head turning, because two seconds later she seeks out the opportunity to ask Abby if Payton could have a solo this week. Sure! Christi makes another shining quip by saying, "The body's not even cold and already you're swooping in!" She's also, deservedly, pissed that Abby had the gall to call Chloe dumb. In the booth, Kelly innocently asks Leslie if Payton's going to be learning a new solo, which I assume as in "Learn new or recycle an old one." Leslie, sharing the same mindset as Phi Phi O'Hara (or Pheces O' Ptosis), immediately starting bitching while Kelly screeches about three octaves higher than normal.

Maddie rehearses her solo as Abby has an orgasm about it. She tells us she's been holding off teaching Maddie this solo because she wanted her to mature first. The trio, however, is just all sorts of fun for Abby, which is translation for "Why... WHY did I do this in the first place?" She finds it hard to block it because of the age differences (11, 9, and 7. Chaos!) and calls them slugs (CRAP, has she been reading these?!) and yells at Nia about spacing. Abby says that as soloists, they're fine but as a trio, they're a mess. In the group, sans Chloe, Christi notes that Payton is placed in her spot, naturally, while Jabba the Lee continues her jackass antics by saying it's like they didn't need her. In a rare moment of honesty, Leslie assures Christi that Chloe can pick up fast so she'll be fine.

The next day, Kelly confronts Abby about Payton getting a solo, who says she got it because she's very willing to work, unlike the rest of the kids. Kelly knows that Abby's just going to keep bringing those two knuckleheads in, so the moms are going to have to run them out. Big Pimpin' Payton rehearses her solo and, while she's happy for the opportunity, she's not used to working THIS fast. Christi brings up the conversation from this morning while Leslie confessionalizes that she's just gonna let them worry while she'll just give a rat's ass. Kelly doesn't appreciate Leslie changing their words all the time and brings up the incident where Payton thought it was smart to give her opinion that she was the bee's knees. As Leslie screams about how nothing makes these women happy, it's clear that Leslie has no idea where she is and what show she's on. The amount of shit thrown at these women? Yeah, that just screams frivolity.

Chloe has returned from her camping trip! And it's also time for one of Christi's world famous pep talks as Chloe holds on to her for dear life. Chloe's afraid that Abby will pull her solo because she went on the trip but Abby's just furious because the trip was optional. Oh Abby, stop making a shit over every little thing. It's a competition, not the Olympics. Now Chloe's really feeling the pressure. When she's done rehearsing, Abby confessionalizes that she's impressed that Chloe managed to remember everything to a T but the studio footage of her yelling at Chloe paints a different picture.

It's party time at Kelly's house! The moms are having a wonderful time... for the time being. Then they start discussing Leslie. Kelly claims she has no problem with her, but Christi nails it again by saying "You can lie like a rug!" Definitely an English major. Then Leslie shows up and Kelly jokingly flips the bird, I think. But, oh hey, Kelly's really not that excited to see her. What a shock. Leslie tries to say that all she does is talk loud and she's just here to enjoy, but as Holly attempts to intervene with logic again, Leslie calls Christi a drunk. WHOA that was really uncalled for. Christi has had it with the bitch. Melissa, who eerily has said NOTHING in this episode so far, just drinks and Holly looks as confused as ever. Christi doesn't want to see Leslie anymore and, continuing the adult behavior, Leslie chucks a glass across the room. Holy shit, she needs some Xanax a.s.a.p. Poor Christi begins crying and the moms comfort her.

It seems like a big sigh of relief whenever the competition finally arrives, and I noticed that they sell dancewear? Abby, amazed by the venue, states, "I should've worn fancy shoes!", giving me a chuckle. Shut up. Gia! is there too so that makes me happy. After another STARBOUND disaster reminder, Chloe says that, for once, she's not that nervous. Christi jokes about it but Abby barges in and starts another scene. Well, I guess Chloe's nervous NOW. But, wait, there's more drama! As Christi and Kelly make their way to their seats, they just happen to run into Madame Leslie Rose in an abandoned hallway. They get into a pissing match and Leslie calls them witches, while Christi scores again with yet another Wizard of Oz reference, shouting after her "Go before another house lands on you!" Yup, Christi's definitely not expecting the warm and fuzzies in the dressing room when this is over.

Chloe is confident with her piece this time and I'm in love with her costume. As always, she's pretty damn amazing and I wish I had her skills. Abby found her to be wonderful and Chloe plans to have her new found confidence for every week from now on. Go Chloe!
Maddie goes and her competition face continues to distract from the dance. Her dress is pretty though, but the piece is kind of dull and she looks like she's gonna puke the whole time. She felt good about the solo but thought Chloe was great too. Christi is proud of Chloe, Melissa sucks up about Maddie, and Abby gives Chloe a hug! Christi jokes about Chloe going camping more often but Abby can't take a joke and berates Christi about the whole thing. Ugh...

Time for the trio to dance, and boy is Abby nervous for them, as is Nia, particularly about her front aerial. WHOA these costumes are... really bad. It doesn't look good when Macks misses her entrance and Nia slips up her front aerial, landing on her thigh. Unlike Maddie, she doesn't make a big scene about it SO MADDIE OVERREACTED. Macks is worried that Abby is going to be mad solely at her for missing her cue to go on. Backstage, the girls discuss the piece and they all agree that they screwed up in some way: Macks because of the entrance, Nia because of her front aerial, Paige because she's Paige. They all agree to just not say anything to Abby. You know, this is kind of the closest thing to reality this show has since the girls are basically talking like adults. The difference being that, if a conversation like this occurred with me and my friends, we'd all be smoking outside of the theatre. And I don't smoke.
The trio enters the room, silently, and Nia is aware that Abby's really gonna be mad. She is but makes a lot of convoluted comments which leads Holly to tell us that Abby has a short attention span.

Big Pimpin' Payton goes for her solo, but she looks and dances like a Dance Moms Miami kid, but not as great. She also looks older than I do, and I'm 22. Leslie thinks she did well (duh) but when Abby asks for Leslie's opinion, she plays the "My kid didn't get enough rehearsal time because she deserves a lot better than those brats" card. The two get into a pissing match with Abby saying that Leslie should deal with it. Word. After some random attack on Kelly, Leslie admits she knows they don't want her here and if the group fails, she thinks Payton will be blamed. Abby then yells at Leslie, who cries for no reason. Christi hopes this is the last they'll see of them.

After another reminder of the last STARBOUND competition, the group goes. Christi says that she wasn't watching a dance but she was watching art. I wish I could say the same, but all I saw was ten seconds of standing and walking.

It's awards time! Chloe gets fourth place. Christi thinks Chloe definitely danced better than fourth but it certainly wasn't first material. No no, that first material belongs to Maddie, naturally. Melissa says she was "surprised" but I stopped listening to her bullshit. For the teen solo, the show says Payton placed second and Leslie looks like she can barely contain her rage. HOWEVER, Lifetime continues to forget the competition posts results online. As it turns out, Payton placed SEVENTH in the teen division and Brooke, who's solo, the "Paint the Picture" one Kelly pulled, placed SECOND. Give us a break, Lifetime! The trio places fifth, which Abby is less than pleased with but I thought was impressive. And the group wins FIRST PLACE!!! What a comeback from the disaster from last time. Abby is relieved and the moms celebrate for beating 80 numbers. Payton says that she should be in the group more often with Brooke because this is the first time they won a group with Payton in it. Uh, okay? Chloe does a victory dance in her confessional (which made me smile lots) but the episode ends with the moms being berated by Abby for chasing away moms like Cathy, Jill-Cher, and possibly Leslie. Here's the thing: NO ONE WANTED THEM AROUND. But I give up there.

Before announcing what happens next week, apparently there's been a scandal in the Dance Moms world! Allegedly, Cathy and Christi got into a scuffle, resulting in Christi choking the dingbat. HOWEVER, only the Crapples have been tweeting about it and, unsurprisingly, their stories are inconsistent. The only member from the ALDC to comment on the whole fiasco is Christi, who says that it's all a lie and that she has a TV crew to back her up. I'm on Team Christi for now.

NEXT WEEK: The results of the Drop Dead Diva audition, Brandon is back, costumes are sent to the wrong location, and something's up with Paige's foot (Spoiler: SHE BREAKS IT. I say that because there's going to be some bullshit that'll probably make it seem like she broke her foot and performed with it. But I could be wrong)

Dance Moms: Paige the Pawn feat. FREE VIVI!!!!

Last time on DANCE MOMS: Big Pimpin' Payton and Madame Leslie Rose returned and caused a lot of drama (no surprise there), Maddie Blanche DuBois competed in 2 competitions, and Lifetime lied to us a whole lot.

Last week was a clip show where we got to see pieces of seasons' past so there's really nothing to note there.

It's a new week and I'm thrilled (kind of rude but still) that Payton isn't anywhere in sight (which really means that there's no Leslie). As always, Abby points out that they lost by 1/10th of a point and that their "Tenth of a point losers". Because that really rolls off the tongue. She babbles a lot more but I'm just distracted by the fact that none of the girls are wearing lace tops. This week's competition is in the lovely state of Ohio. This is (appropriately) met with groans from all around. Christi sarcastically comments that she gets to see her bestie, our geriatric mean girl Crazy Cathy Hannigan! Abby says that this team will be so hot, the Crapples will be turned into apple pie. Methinks Abby's hungry. The group dance this week is called "Land Unforgiven" and it has something to do with going into and claiming foreign territory, whatever she means by that. Oh, and to juice up the routine a little, Abby's bringing in some older girls to join the routine to give Cathy a taste of her own medicine. Justifiable AND hypocritical. Abby stresses that they NEED to beat Cathy, especially since they all lost to them last time (by a point).

Brooke starts off the pyramid on the bottom in probation still because she went to her 8th grade farewell dinner, and then Abby decides to be a jackass and wave "BYE BYE" in her confessional. Ugh... Mackenzie is next because she didn't spit out her gum in rehearsal and Nia rounds out the bottom because of her lack of technique. Strangely, Paige is in the middle but still on probation so Abby must have something up her sleeve. Chloe is next because she made a mistake in the group (but I couldn't tell where) but she did great in her solo. No prizes that Maddie's on top but, for some really weird reason, Abby decides to put her picture up there twice. WHY? Because she won two crowns and two titles in two hours (LIES!). Christi compares Maddie's picture to a gremlin: Add water and watch it multiply!

Because of her "double win" from two weeks ago (what is it with the Two theme all of a sudden?), Maddie's getting a break and won't be performing a solo this week. However, Paige WILL be performing a solo entered in a title category (but, since I totally forgot about this aspect three minutes later, this is irrelevant information) and will be going directly against Kendall-Daria. She'll be performing that god-forsaken Tongue Twister piece her mother pulled. Twice. Because she has to know it by now, Paige won't be getting any rehearsals but is free to use the studio to practice. That's kind of douchey to do to a kid, no matter how annoying her mother is. Abby does, however, remove the probation sticker, to which everyone sort of celebrates. Chloe will be getting a solo too, titled "Angry Bird", so I was imagining Chloe's piece to just be her flying into foam blocks for two and a half minutes. Christi says that the bird theme is nothing new to Chloe: First she was a swan (in season 1), then a raven (season 2A, in the scandalous "Showgirls" episode that no longer exists), and now an angry bird.

Time to hear from our moms, starting with Kelly thinking that the double Maddie photo was just weird and that it was unfair that none of the others were given the same opportunity that she got. Melissa starts whining while everyone else rolls their eyes. Now, I'm not sure which is true about this next part so I'll put down both versions: Either Melissa was whining that Maddie was hurt that she won't get a solo this week or that she was relieved by that. Either way, the moms roll their eyes.

In the group rehearsal, we're introduced to our three older girls joining this week: Catherine (or some variation of the name) from the Elite company, Arielle from the Teen company, and Pre-med graduate student Nina from the Senior company. The difference between these three and Cathy's girls is that they look skilled and could probably hang with this team. Christi is upset by Abby bringing in the ringers just to up the ante and Holly calls Abby a hypocrite (Hey! She read my mind!). Christi notes that the regular team can hold their own against the Candy Apples easily without the ringers, especially since they've beaten them every time they've gone up against them except for that one time in New Jersey last time.

Speaking of, let's check in on our main Crapple and what she's planning to choreograph this time around. It's going to be an Asian piece (riddled with inaccuracies, I'll expect) about a princess choosing between two Ming warriors. Vivi, now wearing a retainer, shall be portraying this princess, because it's totally not nepotism where your kid from Guatemala is portraying a Chinese princess. What does Jill-Cher have to say about this? Not that we asked... too late. She said that she and Kendall were greeted with open arms at the Crapples, got wonderful opportunities but noooow, um, things have changed and Kendall's just another dancer in this group. Possibly knowing that she sucks as a choreographer, Cathy has brought in two gay guys to choreograph this new routine. Their names are Mitchell and his "partner", Michael, so Cathy continues her hacking by thinking that these guys are like Angel Armas and Victor Smalley.

6th place is 5th loser!

There's no evidence of Angel Armas actually dancing floating around the internets, but based on his Twitter that I most certainly do not skim from time to time, I'd think we'd be pretty chill. Besides, I'm glad he doesn't paint his nails.

Back on track, Cathy wets her pants for no reason because Mitch has seen the ALDC at a past competition. Uh, not sure how this fits in here but whatever. Jill-Cher instantly whines how Cathy hasn't got the time to waste on this routine but I wonder why she wasn't celebrating about having someone else choreographing... and making it look GOOD.

Let's head back to the Pittsburgh team. There's no Gia! around so, instead, we have some random instructor to teach the group dance. Maddie's excited to have the older girls in the piece because she looks up to them. I'm sure she does. Kelly is excited that Paige finally gets to do her solo BUT (natch) it's not a fair chance since she's up against Kendall, who's 9, adding she hopes Paige does better than her. Then she begins her psycho episode by wondering why the girls are in a gymnastics class instead of rehearsing their solo. Uh, isn't that what you paid Abby to do? TEACH? Although, frankly, I don't find gymnastics in the same area as dancing. In fact, I halfway expect that Abby has a welding course somewhere in her studio. Trying to veer the conversation in another direction, Christi admits she's surprised that Paige isn't getting rehearsal time. So, like the insane people that they are, they go to confront Abby about it. Kelly knocks Abby for the lack of rehearsal, considering that last time Paige only had a hour each time she had the opportunity to do the solo, and it was pulled because Kelly felt Paige wasn't prepared each time, along with costume issues from the first time around. This leads to Kelly losing her head and I lost interest in the fight because Abby and Kelly sling enough shit that'll make an elephant jealous.

Kelly and Christi go off to drink their lunch at the Wooden Nickel. Kelly bitches that the choreography sucks (I'd love to agree with her BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN THE DAMN PIECE) and she wishes Abby paid as much attention to Paige's choreography as she does to Maddie Blanche DuBois'. Christi asks if Kelly's going to hire a choreographer again. Nope. The wheel's start turning in Christi's head: "You're gonna do it yourself, aren't you?" BINGO. Christi's well aware that Abby's not the most rational woman in the world, if not at all, and she'll take it out on Paige when she finds out. Kelly doesn't care. Man, she really wants out of this show.

In Ohio, Cathy declares that Abby's going down. The choreography for the group dance, however, doesn't look that great. I'm pretty sure Cathy "cleaned it up" the second those guys left the room. Then, we see Kendall rehearse her solo with Cathy, who comments that Kendall has great talent and potential but she needs work. She says that you have to treat every rehearsal like a performance and Kendall's not there yet. It explains how successful her Apples are at competitions. Jill-Cher wants Cathy to step it up but she's lost interest in Kendall. Over in Pittsburgh, Chloe rehearses her Angry Bird solo, where it's all about character! Chloe says she does well in dark numbers because she's definitely not that dark in real life, so it's unpredictable. After a bit of talk about Chloe's ease with technique, we're on our way to the moms. Melissa still talks to Jill-Cher (WHY?!) who claims she's starting to not enjoy the Crapples as much anymore and that she's getting tired by the 2 1/2 hour drive. Christi plays the tiny violin to the tune of "Give me a fuckin' break". THEN Melissa says that Jill-Cher admitted that Abby's choreo is better! Uh, no shit. We can see that from space.

At Kelly's home, the diabolical plan to re-choreograph Paige's routine has begun. As Kelly begins to morph into one of those "I-know-it-all" moms, Paige is growing more and more upset. She admits that she's scared Abby will throw the chair again while Kelly tries to reassure Paige that it doesn't matter anyway and they really shouldn't care. Ugh... the next day, Kelly has Paige (in a lace top) rehearse some more but Paige wants to do it in another studio. Kelly doesn't want that to happen because if Abby sees what they're doing NOW, they're going to get killed. This really should end well.

Hey, it's competition day! It's a Nexstar competition in Akron held in a very beautiful theatre. Abby stresses that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE TO CATHY, DAMN IT. It's all about the Nationals! In the dressing room, Kelly's relieved that they're rushing to get things done so Abby won't have a chance to see Paige's solo. I'll bet that's how it played out in real time. Elsewhere, the Apples arrive and I nearly die laughing when Cathy boasts that they're walking in and out as winners. In the ALDC room, there's more Paige talk (whatever happened to the rest of the girls?) as Kelly preps her daughter, telling us that Paige is very nervous about the piece. If yawning, looking sleepy and possibly fed up with all this bullshit going on between Abby and Kelly translates as "nervous" then Paige is "nervous". Elsewhere, Jill-Cher, Crazy Cathy, and Kendall are having her work on some tricks and leaps. Jill-Cher bitches and moans about the lack of rehearsal time for Kendall but that's nothing new. Chloe, on the other hand, is given some pep talk from Abby and we're finally on our way to compete.

Chloe is up first and she doesn't panic this time around. She says that's she's nervous (as always) but she'll do fine. I don't care how many times she repeats that in every episode but she still manages to charm me by saying that. So I'm a softy. Shut up. Anyway, she's wearing this ridiculous costume that makes no sense and, while she's dancing, her earring flies off. Christi immediately panics because Chloe has a turn sequence in this number where she lands on her leg and if she lands on the earring, there's gonna be a lot of blood over the stage. As I hold my breath, Chloe manages to avoid disaster and does an awesome job. I guess she had no idea the earring fell out because a judge comes out afterwards to pick it up.

Paige is up next to compete and Kelly changes her tune by saying that Paige isn't nervous about the piece, she's nervous about what's going to happen AFTER the piece. I'm more excited over the fact that, after nearly a YEAR, we finally get to see this goddamn piece. As expected, Abby notices the new choreography and is baffled, BAFFLED, by it. Abby is critical, bashes Kelly a bit and says that she should stay off the barre and stay at the bar, doing what she does best, which is drink. I think someone's still mad over the fat joke weeks ago. Kelly's proud of Paige for having no choice but going against Abby and doing the piece she was forced wanted to do. Paige liked the new solo but is well aware that Abby is going to be livid by the changes made in the choreography. I'd say the same but we spent too much time on Abby and Kelly talking that I didn't see the dance.

Kendall follows. She gets a chance to recite her lines this episode by saying that her mom wants her to prove that she's a good dancer. You know that movie Center Stage, the one with the overbearing mother whose bulimic daughter is the best ballet dancer in the school? I really hope that doesn't happen to Kendall. But, oh no, HER music's skipping. Man, Cathy really is delusional or Lifetime's running out of ways to keep this shit interesting. Jill-Cher can see the fear in Kendall's eyes while Cathy, ever the team player, says that Kendall flatlined by not making any corrections. Abby says that Kendall is a beautiful girl but it was a hot mess. What the hell did Cathy do to this kid?! She also says that Kendall's basically wasting her time in the car ride over to the Crapples and that going there was a BIG mistake. Agreed.

It's time for Jill-Cher to lose her baskets as she tries to say that it doesn't matter to Cathy/Kendall. But now she's having a meltdown in the stairwell while Mitchell the choreographer tries to calm her down. What a nice man for putting up with her crap. Cathy, on the other hand, says that Jill-Cher is too pushy (pot calling the kettle black) and that they're well aware that she's a studio hopper: If it's not happening now, then she's going to switch gears. The whole scene only made me question over what the hell was going on. I really need to drink while watching this show.

Over in the ALDC room of doom, Paige is upset while Kelly TRIES to give her a pep talk. Kelly says something about allowing Paige follow her dream. You know, if you butt out every once in a while, maybe I'd believe you. Kelly tries to come up with a loophole: All Abby said was "Work on the solo" and that's it. Clever! Paige begins to cry and I just want to give her a hug, the poor thing. Holly, who eerily has been absent a whole lot this episode (in manner similar to Mike Ruiz on that train wreck The A-List, or, as I called it, Mean Gays: She pops up at juuust the right moment), says that she can just feel the whirlwind of a fight coming. Abby and the "Abby's Pissed" background music enters the room and, rather calmly, she asks Paige what just happened on the stage. Kelly opens her yap and it goes down, ladies and gents, complete with condescending tones and shouting galore from both Abby and Kelly, so I didn't pay attention to a lot of it. That is, until Abby directly asks Paige what did she think was wrong with the piece. Paige tells her that it was too "easy" for her, and that she wanted to be challenged. Go Paige! Then the pissing match continues. Jabba the Lee says that Kelly condoned Paige going behind her back (even though Kelly was the one who made Paige re-learn the damn piece) while Holly ushers the kids out of the room, save for Paige. Then Abby says that it's all Kelly's fault, Kelly accepts responsibility, and Paige cries. I REALLY need to drink during this show.

Time for the group numbers. Team Crapple does a very lame chant and Cathy's one brain cell finally gets it that one point does not equal a land slide. Over in ALDC land, the ringers come in (in white lace!) and they join the team in a "CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!" chant that far outshines the Apples' thing. There's more Apple berating and someone says something funny where I KNOW I'm going to hell for.

Before the showdown begins, Cathy goes to sit behind the Moms, but Christi's noticed something very peculiar about Cathy: She hasn't been stirring any shit with the moms at this competition so far. It bothers me too, especially when she's not wearing some dead animal around her neck. The Apple's are up first and, lookie! There's a clip of the whole damn thing! From the show's perspective, Christi says that the Crapples should get a special judges award for finding another way to use Vivi-Anne (FREE VIVI!!!!!) as a human prop to lower the age ratio. Abby says the piece was like Cathy: Very loud and VERY obnoxious. Holly says that this piece wasn't much of a slam dunk but, nevertheless, Abby says that she's a bit worried. And Christi sums it up the best: "Did they REALLY just bring on a gong?"
In my point of view, I thought the piece was all over the place. Sure, there were some good moments, but they were repeated so many times, it kind of dampened the piece a bit, such as Justice doing the same old gymnastics (ARGH!) and leg extensions three hundred times within the piece, the older girls doing 47 fouettes, knock-knee Vivi and mystery blonde boy doing nothing the entire time, and, of course, the obnoxious props.

Now it's time for "Land Unforgiven". Abby says some nonsense about the girls taking over the crops and how they're going to chop the apple tree down. Melissa sucks up by saying the costumes were beautiful and the big girls rocked it. Abby's relieved the big girls are in the piece and that they're calm and collected and beautiful. Christi, being a softie, cries in the audience so you know it was good. There's no full clip floating around there so I can only judge from the show snippet and I feel that only Catherine could hang with the group because she's not that much taller than them but the older girls were stunning. However, the piece was very reminiscent of the Murdered Children piece.

FINALLY, it's awards time! Paige gets seventh! That's pretty damn good, considering Chloe was in sixth. Christi's thrilled but she hopes Kendall doesn't place first (in a manner where I'm not sure where that was either mean or hopeful. Kind of like this whole episode: You have no idea what you should be rooting for). She doesn't and, uncharacteristically, I let go of my breath. No time to relax, because it's time for the GROUP AWARDS. I hold my breath as our girls are announced to be in fifth place. Holly's dreading the moment that the Apple's are announced to be first... which they don't and, again, I let go of my breath. PHEW! The ALDC celebrates, Kelly encourages Paige a little since Kendall didn't win, Abby enters in a great mood doing some odd celebratory dance and I'm loving it. She even congratulates Paige, which Kelly. More arguing ensues but I didn't care because the episode's almost over.

We just have to check in on the Apple's first. Cathy/Jill-Cher (I forget which) thinks they should've been on top (yeah, right). Mitchell tries to tell Jill-Cher that she shouldn't worry about it but she goes ballistic. Cathy ignores her and Jill-Cher believes Cathy's acting like this because she's embarrassed. Plausible. Jill-Cher believes that leaving Abby maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay have been a mistake and thinks her time here is coming to a close. (Spoiler: IT DOES, since I've seen pictures of Kendall performing with the ALDC girls again through Christi's Twitter).

The ALDC goes to meet up with Crazy Cathy, who calls them the "Goon Squad". Bitch, please. She blows them off while Candy Apple Mom Tanya (HI TANYA!) apparently plays referee once again. In the end, Abby achieved what she set out to do: Beat the Apples. And they did. And the episode ends. PHEW!

Next time: Madame Leslie Rose returns, there's more screaming from everyone, Christi's yelled at, Abby yells at Leslie, and, according to the Lifetime bumpers, Chloe could be ditching the competition for a school field trip. Oh no, not Chloe!

Dance Moms: Hacking-jay (with secrets Lifetime keeps from us!)

Last time on DANCE MOMS: Kelly and Abby continued to fight, two nameless teams were up against the ALDC and beat most of them, Mackenzie won her first crown, and I developed a strange fascination about lace tops.

First off, while Abby was talking about Mackenzie's dance "Daisy Chain", I swear to God I thought she was saying "Date Rape" so I laughed a bit.

It's a new day as the girls enter for the Pyramid ceremony, with Brooke and Chloe wearing lace tops. I'll just assume it's the new trend in the dance world. Abby talks about Energy Dance and how pissed she's getting because most of the girls pulled out second place, although the chipper music from the "Silver Spoons" dance kind of kills Abby's super serious background music. Kelly calls the placement "a gift from God". Well, I think it's more "Terpsichore" but to each his own. Let's move to the Pyramid, shall we?

Unsurprisingly, the Hyland sisters are still on the bottom and on probation, which I'll just assume is Abby's smart-talk for "on warning". They're still there for Kelly's bipolar antics from TWO WEEKS AGO, mostly because they didn't approach Abby if they could do (or don't do) their solos. Kelly's skeptical about that because she's aware how Abby normally does the opposite of what you ask her. So why bother. Nia rounds out the bottom because she squeaked into the top ten but she needs to pay attention to her technique.
In the middle are Chloe and Maddie for their great job with the duet, with Maddie ahead because of her solo. And Mackenzie's on top because, well, she did win overall and Miss Energy Petite. While Melissa points out the obvious, Macks is excited because she loves being on top in a manner that's totally not scripted.

This week's competition is Starpower in Woodbridge, Virginia. But this year, the competition is pretty special. Abby says (way too many times in one episode so start drinking) that this year, Starpower is celebrating it's 25th anniversary and this year is the largest competition they've ever had. Christi points out that the bigger the competition, the more acts there'll be (duh), which adds on more pressure, something Abby just looooooves to build. Because of her great work, Mackenzie's back in the group but Abby makes it clear that she's not going to be watering down the choreography for her.
Maddie's going to be doing a solo called "Looking for a Place like Home" and Abby references the Wizard of Oz. It seems like a good concept, considering she's done something like it before. Chloe's also doing a solo called "What Comes Around Goes Around". Uh, didn't they do this LAST time? Only it involved trashy schoolgirls? Christi's all "Well, fate's gonna run you over" regarding Abby so fiddle-di-doo on you.
But wait! BROOKE needs to tell Abby something that doesn't sound scripted! She tells her that during the weekend of the competition, she has her eighth grade formal dance and she was wondering if she could go. Let's hold our breath before the fireworks explode... what's this? Abby's letting her go all willy-nilly? WHOA. But, being Abby, she has a bit of an ulterior motive: She wouldn't have to deal with Brooding Brooke all weekend long. Way to spread the joy, Fatty Patty. So she won't be needed this week. Smell ya later, (extremely relieved) Brooke!

The group rehearsal goes underway and the basis of "The Huntress", this week's dance, according to Jabba the Idiot, is "that movie" The Hunger Games. You know, if she was that much of an English master as she tried to be in the first episode back in June ("CHRISTI AND IIIIIIII!!!"), she would've gone with that BOOK SERIES The Hunger Games. And, if she were a bigger nerd, she would've gone with Battle Royale but I'm getting out of place here. In sum, the girls will be killing each other to survive (Not exactly true: I haven't read the books but aren't the games for entertainment?). Also, Brooke has to be replaced. Christi lets us in on some dance world secrets and says that you only need four dancers to qualify for a group routine. Maddie is sent off to get Payton from another class so she can join the team. She enters and Christi rolls her eyes, knowing the impending doom is coming. Holly questions Abby's choice, saying that if it didn't work the last time (when Payton decided to be a little shit and voice her "opinion"). Christi points out the obvious, saying that Big Pimpin' Payton is too old. Agreed. Kelly brings up that there's been rumors going around that Big Pimpin' Payton has been on a nasty streak lately, shoving Paige for example. This brings up the demon known as Madame Leslie Rose. Christi is just relieved that she isn't there today so it's just the calm before the storm. Oye...
In this routine, BPP is going to be the Huntress (duh-huh) while the girls "are her dinner". The girls laugh at that. Of course, it doesn't take an idiot to realize that BPP's only the star because she looks out of place with this group. And she only has four days to learn the number.

Over at Babette's, the place where the moms went looking at wedding dresses for the Head over Heels number last time, Kelly and Christi take Brooke shopping for her formal dress for the farewell dance. Kelly enjoys this because it's one of the few times that Brooke gets to act like, you know, a kid? Christi's there because she makes things that much more fun. After searching through costume-y dresses, they finally find a nice one for Brooke that looks good on her. Kelly begins crying because her little girl is growing up. It's going to be Brooke's first major event and Kelly's going to miss it because of some stupid competition. Don't worry Kelly! For starters, it's not like you're missing her graduation or some frivolous thing like a wedding and such.

Oh lookie, Madame Leslie Rose is back for more bitching! And man is she happy to be back... well, I mean for Payton anyway and she's willing to fight with the other moms this time around. But there's a bit of a problem: Big Pimpin' Payton is wearing some bling in the form of a splint on her finger. Turns out she was doing a lift with one of the girls and hurt herself. But it's totally not HER fault. Nope. Not at all. Abby's concerned with the splint digging into the girls during those lifts. At any rate, they can always hope for realism in this number, right? During rehearsals, Madame Leslie makes a snarky comment about Chloe getting taller and how she's almost as tall as Payton. Yeah, in like a few years, you twat. Christi notes the typecast Payton has been worked into- first a bully, now a huntress. Yep, that's the way it goes. Melissa chirps up in the booth and says how Big Pimpin' Payton has been bullying Maddie as well. And so Leslie flips out, of course, because she should have told HER first and not Christi. I'll bet it's because you're such a people person. Leslie's not done (when is she?), calling the women bitter liars and doesn't find what Payton's doing (barking orders at Maddie) is considered bullying. Dr. Holly, who has every degree known to man and is a school principal, offers the definition of bullying: "It's an imbalance of power between two people." and such. I forget but it was good. Melissa also says Maddie was a bit scared and told her not to tell Leslie. Well, uh, oops. Leslie proceeds goes into one of her famous convoluted rants, not letting anyone get a word in edgewise. Christi manages to get three words out before Leslie gets really low and tells her to shut her face. Leslie: I don't like you, the truth hurts, and you can't handle it. (The world: And neither can you). Christi says that she can't help it if Leslie can't stop her mouth from running.

Some more group rehearsal sees Abby's growing confidence in the group, which translates as "boy do they suck today." She shouts at Mackenzie for not running like a warrior and Melissa can tell her kid is overwhelmed. Abby can tell Macks is struggling and she doesn't know what she'll do with her. What a role model. So let's check in on Maddie rehearsing her solo where she portrays Dorothy (again). Leslie tries to stir shit with Melissa by asking if she's nervous about Maddie competing against 10 to 12 year olds, which means Leslie has no idea what's going on. Melissa says that Abby likes seeing the kids perform above their level. Abby gushes how Maddie is great at every dance she does, and she's great at portraying a character (goofy competition face does NOT equal portraying different characters) and let's us know that, naturally, Maddie's in the highest level in her division. Of course, of course.
She sings a different tune in Chloe's rehearsal. But first, Chloe has to pull a Paige and say that she likes the dance. She's also in the highest division and Abby thinks Chloe needs to learn this lesson about karma and how her mother is evil. Huh?! Since when is Christi evil?! Sure, she delivers some snarky bitch behavior from time to time but she is in no way evil. Christi sees the double standard starting again when she comments that Chloe's dancing looks more like "walk and pose" and little "dance". And she's already guessing that Maddie's dance will be spectacular. Because that's the way things roll around here.

I wonder what the moms were like BEFORE this show.

The next day, at 7:15 in the morning (ugh) Maddie has a private with Abby. Melissa and her porn star quality acting skills tells us that she absolutely no idea why they're there so early and, more importantly, why no one else is there. Abby tells us that because (if you haven't heard) this is Starpower's 25th anniversary and the biggest competition in US history, it's so big the competition is split into two different venues. "Two?", thought Abby, "Then would it be possible to enter someone in BOTH competitions?" So she gave them a call and they said sure, but it cannot be the same routine. Maddie has TONS of award winning routines so she's going to perform the "Cry" routine from way back in season one. Talk about vintage! However, this has to be a secret! It's just between Abby, Melissa, Maddie, and every one who watches (which, apparently, is millions. Remarkable giving how fake this show is). Abby's banking on Maddie Blanche DuBois on remembering BOTH routines and her winning since everyone else is a deadweight.

It's only one more day to the competition and Christi says that, giving the complicated choreography, it's either gonna look really good or really sloppy. Abby, again, isn't so confident in the routine and how sloppy Nia (in a lace top!) is getting. She berates Mackenzie for being so little. Huh? Then she shifts over to Payton and questions her drive to be on this team (which I PRAY doesn't happen. Sure, Big Pimpin' Payton is a great dancer but she doesn't fit in with this crowd. And her mother is just asking for it). I'm looking at BPP's height compared to Chloe and came to the conclusion that Madame Leslie Rose really was just dicking around with the moms. What a bitch. After another reminder about how this is Starpower's 25th blah blah blah, we go to Big Pimpin' at the front desk, agonizing over her finger. She says that it really hurts but Madame Leslie Rose won't have any of it: She tells her to suck it up (WHOA!) but it wasn't the kid's (or kids'. I forgot) fault. I'm sure of it.

We finally arrive at the big extravaganza that is Starpower's 25th Anniversary, the BIGGEST competition in US history. You know, I turned 22 back in March and I celebrated with a simple trip to the mall with a friend of mine (We had a grand ol' time) so Abby's making too much of a big deal out of this. She's also in over her head since everything's pretty cray-cray. The team finds out the group is up first and Abby shouts that they better remember their characters. Poor Payton's finger is getting worse but she puts on a brave face, which Leslie immediately rips off and says that her finger really isn't okay. As Madame Leslie Rose starts whining, Christi provides some well needed common sense by asking, "Haven't you BEEN here before? Spray it copper!" Abby tells Payton that it's only 2 and a half minutes of suffering so it won't be that bad, while Lifetime Aggressive Mother Leslie tells Payton to, for the millionth time, to suck it up. I wonder what she'll be like when, years from now, Payton's in labor.

Time for a happy moment! Brooke sent Kelly a picture of her in her formal wear (standing next to, who I assume, is the missing Hyland son), looking very lovely. Kelly confessionalizes that she's happy with her decision (I assume she's talking about BROOKE'S decision, because this has nothing to do with Kelly really, even if it looked like she was mouthing what Brooke told Abby back at the Pyramid) and that it's only ONE competition. She can always come back next week.

Back to the nonsense. Abby tells Payton to not act like a little shit this time and to not be cocky. Madame Leslie Rose looks on with a bitchface. The girls rehearse and Abby, as always, only sees mistakes and comments on how it's getting old, boring, and monotonous (like the premise of this show). Macks hopes she can prove to Abby she can dance with the big girls while Payton just hopes her finger doesn't fall off. As they dance, Holly says that Abby does weird well, and that the weirder, the better, so this is familiar territory for her. Well said, Dr. Holly. Leslie can see Payton cringing in pain, and Macks stumbles when she tries to stand on Payton's back, and I think Melissa says she knows Abby will flip out on her because of it. Truth be told, I think this routine is one of the worst I've seen on this show: The music's bad, the dancing's bland and it looked like a mess, and Payton looks psychotic in the piece. Leslie noticed Payton's turns were off and Abby's all "YOU SHOULD BE DOING 8, NOT 4!!" Payton, however, is happy to be done and wants to rip off her finger because it hurts so bad.
At awards, Payton knows she didn't do so well and hopes Abby won't blame her for not placing. The emcee says that only 1/10th of a point separates first and second. WHOA that's pretty close. Holly says that it felt like pins and needles hearing that news. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand the group places SECOND. They look kind of proud of it but Abby's trying to not strangle someone and says that it could've been one mistake, or one straighter knee, that could've won them first. Oh give it a rest.

At least the moms have some sense of normalcy. They congratulate the girls on their close placing but Abby screws it up and denounces that second place is like the worst thing ever. Christi, what do you say about it? "NORMAL people would celebrate second place." Well said, amiga. Abby saunters over to Big Pimpin' Payton to ask her how did SHE think she did? Breaking out into a cold sweat, Payton responds with a meager "Good. But how did YOU think we did?" That sounded a bit snarky but Abby bought it. Leslie wants the cold truth. And Abby delivers. The team must WORK and WANT to be first place. There's only ONE winner (unless you're on the Glee project, where everyone wins!)

Onto the solos. As Chloe rehearses, Christi tells us that Chloe's practically on top of the moon regarding her costume. However, since she's in the 9 to 11 category, this also means she's up against the juggernaut that is Maddie Blanche DuBois. Because Abby and Lifetime just love trying to convince us there's competition between the two. Suddenly, Chloe begins to freak out backstage and Maddie tries to comfort her. Chloe confides that she flipped out because she thought she wasn't going to do so well and that she didn't get enough time to rehearse. Aww... Nevertheless, she'll improvise if she has to but manages to do a fine job out on stage despite the psyching out. She's great as always but Abby continues to use the same old crap she thinks is going to work. I did love the ending though. Christi comments on the sub-par choreo once again and Abby thought Chloe could have had more fluidity. Then again, Chloe's not Maddie so let's just throw whatever onto her.

Maddie Blanche DuBois is up next and she's also nervous about her FIRST solo because Abby expects her to win. Basically, the same old shit happens: Maddie performs well but it looks dopey and she has a goofy face once again. As always, Abby's thrilled. Blah blah blah that's all for Maddie.

Junior Miss awards are announced and the emcee tells us it's about the most oustanding well rounded performer. Chloe gets second runner up! Christi says that's pretty impressive CONSIDERING everything that's been going on. Maddie wins the whole thing, shocking no one, and Abby tries to make it sound impressive with the whole 25th anniversary whatever. Christi says that their choreography wasn't even in the same stratosphere and Leslie decides to open her yap to tell her that she's a sore loser. Oh god no... WHO CARES?! Abby couldn't believe Maddie won (I'll bet) but she's only as good as her last performance, so we're left to believe that they're off to the second competition going on in the next hour. Leslie, again, finds the need to voice her so-called "opinion" as Holly ushers the kids out of the room. Kelly says that she isn't surprised, and if it were as spontaneous as we're all led to believe, Maddie wouldn't be as cool as a cucumber (her words) and would be freaking out. Christi tries to use logic to explain to Leslie what really goes on, but Leslie repels logic which makes Christi recreate "The Scream". So Leslie leaves and everyone's relieved.

Over at the SECOND competition, Maddie's excited to do her "Cry" solo once again but is nervous... again. Melissa says that they arrived in the nick of time, but they had to watch from backstage (bull) because there weren't any seats left. Once again, goofy face. Abby's sweating bullets (ew), Melissa cries (duh) and says Maddie gave it her all.

Due to producer manipulation, Maddie's dead center for the awards (so not called for). Oh, and we're led to believe she wins AGAIN. Abby's impressed Maddie won two titles at two competitions that quickly and that no one really could do that. I'll bet. Why don't you read what I discovered as soon as I'm finished with this paragraph. Meanwhile, the moms are still arguing with Leslie. Kelly says that this is the kind of shit they deal with all the time and Christi tells her they're just bitter. Leslie continues to be a idiot as the moms leave the dressing room as the episode ends.

HOWEVER, thanks to the glory that is the internet, here's what REALLY happened regarding Maddie's second solo. That whole "two competitions in one day" thing? LIES. As it turns out, the second competition occurred on a different day so no wonder Maddie was so calm. Also, Maddie actually won SECOND at the second competition. She was given the title because, allegedly, the actual winner couldn't take the title because she already won a title. Or something like that. And still, Lifetime thinks it can get away with that? Come on.

Next week, Abby recaps the dances shown throughout the series, including "Laquifa", so I won't recap what we already know. So see ya after the 4th of July!