Project Runway: Silly Shilling

Previously on Project Runway: Ven made an ass of himself by designing for a regular sized woman, Fabio rocked it and won, Elena lightened up a little, I sold my life away for fake eyelashes and have now gotten so far behind that they're down to the top 4. Whoopsy. Ah well, I know there's someone out there, other than my aunt, who might like my input on the challenge from eons ago. Probably someone in the Ukraine which, I've found out, has stumbled upon this blog, thanks to the statistics.

You know who else is from the Ukraine? Elena! So Привіт читачам!

On to the show!

As Mean Girl Gunnar lives up to his moniker and applies makeup (then again, like I should talk), Fabio loves how he and his roomies (Dmit-zzzzz is with them) were on top. Christopher laments that Nathan ('memba him? The boring guy who was 6'7" and designed for his mom? Me neither) is gone, but secretly hopes that Needlebutt Ven gets shit-canned so he can have the apartment all to himself next week. Haha bitch! The only time that's EVER happened (that I can remember) was Season 6's Christopher, when the competition was whittled down to him and the four women. Speaking of, the girls conspire to rid themselves of the chiffonies, which I probably have been misspelling this whole time, so thanks Lifetime (me? Thanking Lifetime? God, I've been away for too long). Sonjia points out the obvious how the male persuasion only design for what THEY think looks right on a woman. Whatever, blue haired lady.

Heidi must have gone through my La Cage costumes because her outfit is nothing but sequins. She recites her lines by asking if they're tired yet, and only Christopher answers no. Then Heidi breaks character and points out the bags underneath his eyes, causing everyone to laugh. So Christopher pushes his face back to rid himself of the baggage. Ha! Silly, silly boy. Anyway, Heidi ships them off to meet Tim at 5th Avenue to meet a special guest and get their challenge.

Today, the designers are at the Lord and Taylor Flagship store, a place where I would be extremely nervous to be in out of fear of ruining their clothes by breathing on them (other such stores: Armani Exchange, Banana Republic, etc.). Tim introduces the guest, Bonnie Brooks, the president of Lord and Taylor, who also appears to be wearing Melissa's winning "Working Girl" garment. She shows the designers the dresses behind them, which were made by 9 of the past contestants of Project Runway, representing the nine season thus far (we get it. Now give it a rest). They all look okay, but my eyes shot straight towards Chris March's pink gown (which I thought could've been Anya the Great's design. How laughably wrong was I) and Jay McCarroll's cute dress. The other designers who are less impressive are Mondo (surprisingly), Bert's (my aunt calls him "Big Gay Al") dress inspired by vomit, Gordana/Femme Melissa Etheridge, Seth Aaron, Uli (SQUEE!!), Korto, and Nick.

The challenge is to make either a cocktail dress or a gown that can go with the Project Runway collection to be manufactured and sold online and at the flagship. This causes the designers to orgasm over the opportunity, particularly Melissa, who seems to have forgotten that being on the season alone is history enough (but, hey, she's excited). The winning dress will also be showcased as the window display, and Christopher acts out a scene where he giddily points out his design is in the window. He may be starting to get on my nerves, but only by a teense. Ms. Brooks describes the client of L&T, who is sophisticated, chic, stylish, and has good taste. No shit, Sherlock. Mean Girl Gunnar thinks he understands the customer. What he forgets is that this is New York, not the Kentucky derby. Bonnie also stresses to keep the garments at market retail value, which is, oh, $200 to $300 dollars, which caused me to faint and vow to never shop here. And, since the garment is going to be manufactured, try to keep it simple. Tim tells them they have only a day for the challenge but there's no budget. Say wha? Nope, instead JS Collection, who works with L&T (I think?) and will produced the collection, will be providing all the fabric and notions for the challenge back at the workroom. Handy!

Dmit-zzzzz points out that they're basically designing for the nation (that's an unsettling thought) while Mean Girl Gunnar still thinks that this fits into his aesthetic. He plans to rip off base his design on Jay's dress. Christopher, however, notices that there's only two gowns in the collection (Chris and Bert) so he's going out of the box and plans to make a gown. He does show some self-awareness and calls himself a tool. Nice save. Dmit-zzzzz goes for sleek and simple (duh) but notes that it'll be difficult to do since there's no way to hide mistakes. Elena is immediately worried because this isn't how she designs. She's more about edges and being avant-hard. Dun dun dun! Melissa is trying to figure out how to be trendy but still be her, the fashiony goth girl, so she's aiming for asymmetry and Sonjia is still rattled from last week's bottom status. Christopher thinks he might have the one-up in this challenge so let's see what he can do.

Since there's no Mood visit, all the fabric and things they need is in the lounge. While Alicia gathers some black silk, Christopher asks Fabio's opinion regarding his design. You see, Christopher plans to use that feathered texture that he made but he thinks it's getting old. Personally, the texture may be tired but it looks great. You know who else used similar textures/layering techniques that WORKED?

Leanne "Petals" Marshall

Melissa's plan is to avoid using the same fabrics as the other designers, which is causing her some issues. The designers have until 11 to make the garment and Elena is freaking out because, in her words, she "doesn't know what to fucking make." She also admits that this isn't her challenge. Poor girl.

Today, it's Mean Girl Gunnar's job to recap the challenge. The 9 garments are also displayed in the workroom on an HP computer, because Hewlett Packard has to make some coin. MGG finds this challenge as a great way to launch themselves, especially through Project Runway. What to be a mooch. As Elena asks about the proper length of a cocktail dress, MGG believes he'll be able to tie in the loose ends of the collection so far, so he plans to blend Bert's and Jay's dresses. Christopher reiterates his desire to make a gown, Sonjia reiterates how bad it felt to be in the bottom 3, so let's focus on something marginally fresh, which is Alicia, planning to go for a Chanel inspired design. Being a butch lesbo, she doesn't care if the judges don't like. Nice attitude for the challenge. Melissa notes how great it would be to win the challenge. Then she could be a part of history! Um, sweetheart, isn't being a contestant on this show enough?

Needlebutt Ven, always thinking about the customer, plans to use the same freaking flower detail on his dress. While it was great at first, he's been using the damn thing for virtually every challenge. And you know who also used flower details constantly and SUCKED?

Angela Keslar of the Goddamn Rosettes

Ugh. Dmit-zzzzz is aiming for sharp and sleek (original!) while Elena jokes that this is right of MGG's alley but she's praying that she'll stay on until tomorrow. She notes that everyone's been making all "this flowy shit" so Elena dines with MGG over her aesthetic and her difficulty to tone herself down. Elena says that she has to find the balance between "couture" and "wearable." Good luck with that. She also finds it weird that the guys are pretty much at ease with the workload this time and how they're handling this WAY better than the, uh, not-guys. Melissa just wanted a hardware challenge so Christopher jokes around and creating a mock Victoria's Secret commercial based on Melissa desire for the hardware challenge. We haven't heard any snarky bitching in a while so let's look at Spunky Sonjia. She whines that the guys tend to make WEARABLE girly clothes while the girls tend to make UNWEARABLE edgy clothes. So the guys are more feminine than the girls. Can you blame them? I mean, Fabio wore a frickin' dress last challege and WON. Needlebutt continues the battle of the sexes conflict of the episode by announcing that men tend to be better designers than women. Personally, I don't think gender has nothing to do with design but then again, I'm not a fashion designer.

MGG and Christopher chat about Christopher's shredding technique, who explains how he does it in his confessional. Crafty! He hopes he won't be seen as a one-note desiger, but Alicia doesn't think it'll last for very long. Time will tell. Thankfully, Uncle Tim has arrived to critique everyone. MGG proudly shows him the black disco ball dress he has created so far. Dmit-zzzzz hasn't said anything in a while, so he tells us that MGG isn't up to snuff technically as the others. Well, duh. Alicia describes her Chanel based dress, but Christopher doesn't like how the pleats are situated at the snatch and butt. Tim calls it "Joan of Arc" and clueless Alicia takes it in stride, saying it's WAY better than it being a princess dress. Poor Sonjia is stressing out even more and Tim worries that she'll work herself into a psychotic meltdown. Hey, those are fun to have! Kidding. THEY SUCK. Especially when no one helps when they try to help. Fabio shows off the zipper (that MGG doesn't like) he has but expresses his concern over meeting the retail price. As for Elena, she's TRYING her damndest to make it Lord and Taylor material but it's not going so well. Tim says that he would be worried if he were Bonnie Brooks, and Elena has a breakdown because this isn't how she designs, and how she's avant-garde and all that shit. Tim advises her to think on it, but Elena loses it because she has no idea why she keeps landing in the bottom.

To keep her from murdering anyone, MGG takes Elena out into the hallway to calm her down through jokes. She's all, "This is frustrating!" and he's all, "Camera whoring! I want you to do well!" He quips about showing the judges she has a heart and she laughs, which is something she appreciates him doing. Back in the workroom, Needlebutt works on his gaping black hole of a rose on his garment and while Dmit-zzzzz says he's his biggest competition, Sonjia is rolling her eyes. She says it best: "It's not sweeping the nation anymore!" Christopher calls it a teenage girl holiday garment. Huh. I never thought of it that way but it's so true. Not much time is spent on Dmit-zzzzz so Mean Girl Gunnar decides to be the one to call the design "classy." Tim meets with his bestie, Christopher, and hears about his aim to be the third gown of the line. Christopher also wants to go soft and hard on this gown too. Tim thinks a woman would look fabulous in it, but Christopher tells him he's having doubts about it being manufactured with the shredding technique he's using AND for using the technique for the millionth time. Elena wonders if he can do anything else, while Christopher once again points out that it's a huge risk doing a gown and using his technique and planting a garden and finding a chocolate boyfriend...

Tim visits problem child Melissa next, who is stressed beyond human belief because of the difficult fabric. Tim warns her about the time and Melissa expresses her worry that there's really only black/dark colors to work with and all the ones that are colors, to Tim's surprise, are silky. When Tim leaves, Melissa is scouting fabric but I get worried because THEY HAVE FOOD NEXT TO THE FABRICS. Melissa says that Tim likes the silhouette but she thinks the fabrics suck. Sonjia reassures her that she likes the fabric Melissa's using but Melissa plans to wait until the model fittings to make a decision. Hmm. Speaking of, the models are here to try on the clothes. Melissa's model loves the fabric and the garment so Melissa is less at sea. MGG orgasms about his piece of fug and Fabio's girl is starting to look Holly Golightly. Christopher's girl loves the gown and Alicia is thrilled her model digs her sack. Fabio thinks Dmit-zzzzz's dress looks effortless, Christopher calls Sonjia's dress "80's", and Melissa hates the fit of her dress so she's going to make a new one. Which just spells trouble since there's really only about, oh, 5 milliseconds left. Elena notes how screwed over the girls are and Melissa, as always, feels there isn't enough time. MGG can see she's in trouble and compares her to a car crash while Fabio wants someone to give her a hug. And, with that, the day ends.

After some girl whining about everything making up this episode (lack of time, difficulty, blah blah blah), it's runway day. Fabio's wearing his wreath again, the girls do nothing but sigh, and Melissa is going insane. Tim enters, comments on how quiet the room is, and yammers about the importance of accessories. Asshat Needlebutt thinks his top is better than Christopher's, who thinks Elena's harness is kind of dumb. The girls are going koo-koo, with the exception of Alicia. Fabio notes that it's weird seeing the girls go apeshit while the guys are cool are cucumbers in their bumholes. Sorry for scarring your minds but it was too easy to pass up.

Hair and makeup fly by and it's the ten minute countdown. Sonjia breaks down when she can't get her dress on her model so Elena tries her damndest to get her to chill out as she pulls it on her. After yet another reminder of her bottom scare, Sonjia is the last one to leave and poor Tim comforts her by telling her to fake it while she makes it. What a good man, he is.

Today, Heidi is wearing a pink bedazzled pageant dress.

Mine's longer.

After re-introducing Bonnie Brooks, let the disaster begin!

Fabio's LBD is simple but still nice and I'm glad he ditched the sunglasses, but the long back zipper is a little... weird. Melissa's dress is very avant-garde and I love how she styled Lacey's (her model) hair. Tres chic. Mean Girl Gunnar's dress is a tragic black disco ball and it just looks... odd. Even Nina is shielding her eyes from the garment. Elena's dress is a bit sloppy but it does look nice. I could do without the harness pushing her model's boobs apart. I only wrote one word for Christopher: GORGE. Alicia's sack looks plain but it's not too bad. And Sonjia, for all her mood swings, did a great job on her dress, but it could do without the skirty-thing. Needlebutt's black hole dress does nothing in her favor. And I like Dmit-zzzzz's dress, even if it's the same one he's been making since year one.

Needlebutt, Dmit-zzzzz, and Sonjia are all safe. Sonjia deservedly collapses into the couch while Dmit-zzzzz obliviously ponders why he's just safe. Back on the catwalk, Heidi announces that, surprise, there are FOUR high scores!

THE GOOD:
Fabio: Heidi likes how it's versatile and adores the detail on the bottom. Kors points out that asymmetry is pretty hard to pull off but he did it. However, he doesn't like the zipper. Bonnie would wear it and says that it fits in with Lord and Taylor. Nina loves how the dress can work anywhere and at anytime.

Christopher (duh): He says that he wanted to step out of the box by using the texture. Heidi thinks it's a beautiful gown and loves how the light color works with his model's skin tone. Kors likes that it looks like separates but hints that he doesn't want to see the texture anymore (which Heidi and Christopher joke about). Bonnie thought it was a good marriage. Nina thinks it's elegant and sophisticated but it might not work with certain bodies.

Melissa: Phew! Kors likes the bronze fabric and that the neckline is surprising, especially since it doesn't LOOK strapless from up front. But her asymmetry, unlike Fabio, is a little ridiculous and he wants to hang a little bell off the tip of her hem. Heidi thinks it's a stunning dress and Nina loves the fabric but has to ask how on Earth does the top stay up. Melissa explains that the fabric is brocade so it's stiff enough to hold up on its own. Bonnie thought her neckline idea was ingenious.

Elena: Shocked, she starts crying tears of joy. Heidi's confused so she asks why the tears. Elena says that she's never been in the top and that this challenge was tough because she doesn't really design for a market. Heidi confirms that the dress is sellable and likes that it's hard and soft. Nina loves the back and how the front contrasts it and it's not as apparent. Bonnie thinks it's fun but it might be for a different type of customer. Kors is happy she managed to find a balance in the dress.

THE BAD:
Mean Girl Gunnar: He's dressed like a horse jockey. Probably to match his client. He's a bit taken aback by being one of the lower scores (oh get real, would ya?). Nina calls it expected and she's seen this from him before. Kors thinks L&T carries this already. Heidi throws him a compliment and says the construction looks fine. Bonnie says that the lace detail is unforgiving and it lacks fluidity. I dance for joy.

Alicia: Who? Oh, yeah. Her. Heidi likes the dress but finds it hard to believe that Alicia doesn't like to make feminine dresses. Just what show did she THINK she was going on? She finds it odd that the designers are so defeatist.  Bonnie thinks it's lost between office and cocktail. Nina can see she aimed for different but it came off as dowdy. Kors calls the dress similar to a field hockey uniform.

Not much happens after that beyond MGG bitching about being in the bottom and bypassing how much he sucks and how Heidi calls herself a pink disco ball (so it IS the stylist's fault!). MGG claims that Heidi wanted to wear it but I certainly don't remember her saying THAT.

Winner: Christopher! So he skips into the lounge because he's rainbows, cupcakes, and Zoloft.

Bottom 2: Alicia and Mean Girl Gunnar.

Eliminated: ... no one!

That's right! Heidi tells MGG (who gets the fake auf'd) that all the designers were up to par on the challenge and especially since Old Broad Andrea and Krazy Kooan bounced, needing to extend the season she decided spare everyone. And MGG ruins it by trying to be witty. Again. He says he's shocked. I wished he was speechless.

Next time: Arts and crafts leads to the designers legitimately BEGGING the citizens of NY for money for fabric. Lots of drama unfolds, as per usual. Oh, and it's Teams of 3. Great!

Dance Moms: Attack of the Solos, Season 2! aka A Big Plug for Alisa Shamrow

Previously on DANCE MOMS: Busted foot Paige lost the boot but still had a sore foot, St. Louis Mom Kaya and daughter Nicaya "Nini" joined the team for the episode, the team competed at iHollywood (where, in season 1, began the whole "ALDC vs. Candy Apple's" storyline), Kaya holds her own against the moms but with ghetto divatude, the team performs the follow-up to WHATC with "I can see the Kite Flying (aka "American McGee's Alice Knockoff", or "ICStKF") and wins first, Nia wows with her solo but gets 10th, Chloe gets fifth, Macks gets third, and the group wins! And, of course, fighitng occurs.

Oddly enough, there's no mention of the St. Louis people in the "Previously on DM" bumper, which I thought was weird, since last time they did something like that, it was because of the Showgirls/Prostitot episode that got banned. Anyway, the team is still in California because of the Nationals that are coming up. They're at the Millennium Dance Studio, where Chloe tells us is the same space Britney Spears and Not-so-Teeny Aguileeny rehearse. Abby says they weren't focused at iHollywood. She also addresses Kaya and Nini, who are no longer with the team. She praises the girls for being civil with Nini (seriously, what the hell were they GONNA do? Become mean girls? Not this crowd) but admonishes the moms for running off ANOTHER crazy mom. Personally, I think Abby only brought Nini in in order to bump up the group to a different category so they could win. Hey, it's been shown to happen many, MANY times on this show (re: "Land Unforgiven" with the pre-Med graduate ringers, every piece Crazy Cathy has entered). At least Macks wasn't there to just run onstage and push a girl on a swing. Also, "Bitch" is an censored obscenity again? But I digress...

Pyramid begins with Kendall's triumphant return to the bottom, probation free. She's glad to have made it back onto the pyramid but feels that she doesn't deserve to be on the bottom since she worked hard last week. Something about that makes me think she's not reading her mother's cue cards anymore. Paige follows because she worked hard coming out of an injury and Abby expects her to go full out 100% from now on. Keep this in mind for later. Brooke follows her because she finished earlier than the rest of the group. Oopsy-tootsy. And MADDIE is on the bottom because she blended into the group when she really should have stood out. Melissa, strangely, seems very at ease with this in the confessional. In the middle, Nia is there for doing an outstanding job with the difficult music and choreo but, as always, she needs to work on her technique. Chloe follows for breaking in the top 5 but she needs to be consistant. Whatever. She says that she feels the pressure to do better. This leaves precious Mackenzie on top for placing third. Melissa comments that this doesn't happen often for Mackenzie so she's "tickled" by this.

This week, the team will be competing at the In10sity competition in California. Abby says, for the first of way too many times in this episode, that this will determine who gets to perform what at the Nationals the following week. For dance assignments, Macks will get a solo titled "A Perfect Day for Fun". Chloe gets a solo titled "Ghost". Who else gets solos? Paige and Kendall, the latter's called "Kiss, Kiss". Nia gets a solo inspired by the 60's and Brooke gets an acro (duh-huh) solo titled "Fly". So that's about everyone---- WAIT!!! Melissa gestures to Maddie to raise her hand. Because she appears to be ahead of the producers but Abby catches her out of the corner of her eye and wishes she would butt out. Anyway, Maddie wonders if she's getting a solo. Abby would love to but she can't unless Maddie can prove that she WANTS it and she'll have to beg for it. Melissa tries to say that Maddie really wants one but Abby points out that last time, Melissa screwed her kid over. Poor Maddie Blanche DuBois is devastated. Again, Abby bellows that there's going to be an audition where she won't get cast so she's gonna have to suck it up. Also remember that Maddie's about 10 so this seems to be very brutal to say. Christi feels bad for Maddie because the pressure's building and it's becoming evident that Maddie's no longer Abby's favorite.

So, to recap, the Nationals are next week and all the girls, save for Maddie Blanche DuBois, have solos. The last time this happened, Maddie got TWO solos, Paige forgot hers, and Vivi was on the team. Speaking of, FREE VIVI! In the Mom area, because the Millennium doesn't have an observation booth, Melissa comments, with a smile (?), that Maddie tried her hardest to fight back the tears. Kelly randomly butts in to say that her kids NEVER get solos. Well, that's kind of because you also screw them over by barging in their rehearsals, having meltdowns, pulling their numbers, and whatnot. She sheds some light on the team's past in her confessional. You see, back in the day, Brooke was the "Maddie" of the group, but that all changed as she grew older. Abby's like a leech: She works the kid out, sucks them dry of their ambition, and moves on to fresh meat.

That fresh meat most likely being Macks, who is rehearsing her solo. She hopes she remembers it but I notice in the background that Paige has her boot back on. Uh ohs... Then, as the moms sit around, Melissa decides that she no longer needs to be there since there's only 20 minutes left in the class so she's taking her kids. Uh, huh? Christi is no fool and can immediately tell that Melissa has something planned for her girls.

It must be a "Chris(ti)" thing.

The moms dish that she's obviously got some meetings set up for her kids and that it's so weird for her to not share any of this with them. I'm like, who cares! These women are no better than the Pick-a-Little ladies. Elsewhere, the Zieglers enter an MSA building to have a meeting with ultra-perky agent Jen! Again, complete with exclamation point. Jen! believes that the girls are perfect for commercials and Melissa thinks they both shined at the meeting. Then we leave Jen! behind, which saddens me because she was the most realistic person I've seen so far on this program.

I assume it's a different day because everyone is wearing different outfits as Paige rehearses her solo, "City of Angels". Oh! Does this mean she gets to perform to this song?! Nope, she gets to perform on a chaise couch to some techno song. In other news, the earth revolves around the sun. Paige knows good and goddamn well that Abby's watering down the choreography because of her foot. Abby says she knows her foot isn't 100% healed... so why force her to dance?! Paige is done for the day and, when outside, breaks down because her foot is in serious pain. Kelly hasn't complained in a while so she says that it's unfair that Paige only gets an hour long practice. At this point, it's whatever.

It's a newer day (?), or at least it seems to be since Abby walks in on the mom area where they're waiting outside. Abby has 2 days and 6 solos to work on. Today, we start with Chloe rehearsing "Ghost". Abby describes the music as pretty which gets bigger and bigger as the song progresses. So this is a good number for her. Oh, and hi Gia! Abby thinks she's got this. Outside, Kelly tells the moms that she's hired a music producer to professionally record Brooke's song and she wants the team to provide backing vocals. So, naturally, the girls are all excited. Back to solos! Nia rehearses and Abby says that she's got entertainment value so that's what she does best. It's good to see her steer away from ethnic only pieces. Back outside, since it's called Dance MOMS, Melissa brags about the MSA meeting and immediately I pine for Jen! to make an appearance again. The moms are stunned silent, mostly because of how much of a prick Melissa is. Christi says that it's frustrating how Kelly does one thing for her kid but Melissa immediately has to one-up her. In real time, Christi calls her out on doing things in secret and how that's not really necessary (especially since it's all captured on cameras anyway). But, seriously, wtf is Melissa GOING to do? Launch a sniper attack on the moms? Kelly believes that Melissa's antics might make Maddie feel shunned by the others because, well, look who raised her.

Abby, meanwhile, has NO IDEA why Melissa left the rehearsal yesterday. So she instills fear into Maddie and Macks and asks where did they go the other day. Maddie says MSA and Macks tells her they met a girl named Jen! who, allegedly, Abby knows. Just like all the roads in the US. Anyway, she tells Maddie not to bring up MSA EVER and to not worry over what the others think since they don't care. After all, Jabba the Lee has the perfect mother gene. Which is none. Abby says Melissa does want the best for her kids but their dancing and education must come first and not agencies.

Net up for the solo rehearsals is Brooke, who I thought was performing to yet another Anna Ayers song, but it turned out to be yet another Alisa Shamrow song. Abby needs to expand her music choices, even if it means copyright infringement. She does well but Abby's big issue with Brooke is her completely non-expressive face. While we're on Brooke, let's peek in at the recording of her ditty, "Summer Love Song". That producer Kelly's hired? Turns out it's the same guy from last season who directed/produced/did something with the girls and a music video with some obscure pop star, Seven. Kelly obviously says that there's not a lot of opportunities out in Pittsburgh (ain't that the truth, especially when you're on a national television show). Brooke found the experience awesome but, naturally, the final product is autotuned out of the wazoo. Nevertheless, Kelly has no idea what's going to come out of this but hopes it was a positive experience.

Moving on to Kendall Maureen Cummings, Abby says that the solo isn't really "deep" but it has to entertain the audience. Kendall just got back on the team so she BETTER NOT DISAPPOINT. Kendall reads that she really wants a solo at Nationals. As Abby tells her that she's not paying attention to what the song says, she confessionalizes that she wonders how long it's going to take her to whizz past the others on the pyramid. Forever, probably.
Lurking in the corner is Maddie Blanche DuBois, who asks for a solo because it makes her happy. Abby brings up Sologate for the trillionth time and we find out the censored word from THAT episode turned out to be "crapping". Lifetime really needs to replace their editors, like ASAP. Abby then asks for a reason why she should perform and Maddie says it's because she's the only one without a solo. Abby doesn't buy it and says that Maddie should want it from deep in her heart. For a moment there, I thought she was going to have the kid write a 5 page thesis on why she should do a solo. Abby says this is to teach her a lesson. I'm sure it is, Jabba.

So the nonsense moment comes in the form of Abby making a music video for Brooke's little song. She says that she has a vision for the video, which consists of the girls dancing on a tour bus and in various locations. How original! Maybe for her next video, she should do the one shot slow walk. Their high tech material consists of a hand held video camera. Oh please, on "All the Right Moves", at least their dances look professional. Brooke is excited for the video but says that Abby is sucking the fun out of it. LMAO!!! Kelly says she loves that Abby's taking part but WHY is she being the control freak even here? She does admit some of her ideas are cute. Especially the one where Maddie darts into the middle of the street and begins doing some strange lyrical arm movements, which is EXACTLY what I do when I improvise. As for the running into the street, I really hope this isn't one of Abby's ways to get rid of the old favorite. Maddie says that it was one of the best days she's ever had.

Back at the studio, Abby claims that they only have 45 minutes to use the space today because they spent the time filming the music video. I'm sure of it. Maddie asks Abby to do a solo by using a scripted excuse. Abby ends up giving it to her because, well, DUH. But she says that it's because Maddie's learned her lesson. Maddie says that she deserved it (I'm really starting to loathe the term "deserve") but Abby sees that she's gotten rusty. However, outside, Holly proves why she's earned those degrees by saying that of course Abby was going to give her a solo. There's a reason why she's called DR. Holly. Melissa gives her standard bitchface while Maddie interviews that she's ready to prove to Abby why she deserved the solo. Whatevs.

At In10sity, the team is apparently given a blackbox theatre to get ready. Abby repeats the whole nationals business but I was more preoccupied with the Sunday shirt she was wearing. And she, again, says it might be the end of the road for some of them. Whatever, I don't think Lifetime would even LET her let go of any of those kids. I'm assuming they're going in age order because Macks and Kendall, the youngest girls of the the bunch, are up first. Macks interviews that the only thing that matters in the world at that moment is her solo... and then she just stares at the camera with an expression that reads, "Didja get the shot?" Of course she's cute, of course the costume is adorable, of course all she does is acrobatics, of course she... freezes! EEK! Of course Lifetime edits it to make it seem far worse than it appears. Luckily, she makes something up and presses on smoothly. Abby, naturally, is somewhat mortified but, from Mackenzie's view, she forgot the dance for a split-second so poo poo on you, Miss Abby Lee. She IS worried that Abby is going to be mad at her. Speaking of, Abby said that she could've done better.
Kendall is up next for her "Kiss, Kiss" jazz number. I think Abby should stop with the literal costumes because the bra top Kendall's wearing that's supposed to look like lips? It looks like she has oddly shaped, erm, hooters. I'm not a fan of the dance. Jill-Cher says she hates to put this much pressure on her kid but she definitely wants her to go to Nationals. Oh, really? So, why did you shove her into this godforsaken mess? Kendall says that she thought she did pretty great and she really wanted to show Abby just what she could do.

In the dressing room, Kendall gets a hug from her mom but Macks looks very defeated. Melissa tries to convince her that she did perfect but even Macks can see through the bullshit. So does Abby, who bellows that she's hearing "Perfect" and all that nonsense when it's really not. She says Kendall did nice but Macks could've been way better. The girls need to come off knowing it's the best they've ever danced and, if they're trying to impress her, it ain't working. You'd need a three course meal of desserts for that to happen.

Maddie and Nia are up next, with Nia going first for "I Like the 60's". Thankfully, she's not in a ridiculous afro but a period correct wig. Nia's definitely gotten better but the dance's choreography is really lame. She's a great little actress though. Abby enjoyed her face because that's her best feature.
Maddie says she has to prove to Abby she made the right choice by having her dance a solo she was going to perform anyway. Her solo, as we discover, is called "Piece of my Heart". Oooh! Does this mean she's going to portray Janis?! On second thought, thinking back to Travis Wall's not-so-pleasant dance he choreographed on SYTYCD, that's an unwise choice of song. No, it's another piano ballad with Maddie looking constipated 94% of the time. Melissa cries, but that's nothing new, along with the sucking up to Abby after the routine is finished. I'm gonna ignore the "perfection" remarks.

The next two gals are Chloe and Paige. Kelly's concerned about Paige because of the same old crap she's been spewing about her foot and not getting enough practice. The foot is understandable but the "not enough rehearsal time" excuse isn't working anymore. Abby's glad to see her back onstage though. Meanwhile, Christi's coaching Chloe, and she says she feels good about the solo, so the better she is, the better chance at performing at Nationals. Chloe, for a change, says that she's rehearsed a lot so she's feeling pretty confident today. Now, I love Chloe and everything but this dance was doing her no favors. Christi finds it frustrating that Abby's placing all this pressure on the girls for this ONE performance (lies) and not the other googol of numbers. Chloe is proud but she knows she could've done better. And so whatever happens, happens. Go Chloe.
Paige is very worried because her foot is in pain. However, as she dances, I can tell that the choreography looks really labored but not because she's in pain. When she's done, she manages to keep her composure onstage but immediately collapses on Chloe backstage. Abby contradicts herself by saying she knows Paige isn't 100% healed yet. Paige is sobbing in Kelly's arms, who tries to calm her daughter down. Paige then says something that sounds like she forgot the whole number (AGAIN?) but Kelly is livid because this is unfair. Paige is worried that she won't be able to dance at Nationals. Hmm.

Abby wants Brooke to stretch as she's the last one to go. Abby thinks it could either way with her: She'll either be great or she'll suck miserably. Brooke is confident but a bit scared she might forget like Mackenzie. However, before she begins, I notice something very odd in the audience: The girls are wearing different costumes. SO THERE WAS A GROUP DANCE THERE AFTER ALL!!! Probably it was that airline group Lifetime posted on their website. Anyway, she doesn't do half bad. Brooke is glad she managed to hit all her tricks and that she didn't forget the piece after all. In the dressing room, Kelly asks her what was the best thing that happened during the week. Brooke's answer: The music video. Duh-huh.

Awards time. Macks gets first and is very excited for the win! This negates Abby's bitchiness. Onto the juniors, Chloe lands in 6th, and says she could've done better so she'll try harder next time. Kendall places 5th so Jill-Cher wets her pants over this because Kendall managed to beat one of Abby's "top students". Lady, give it a rest. It's a dance competition, not a war. Plus, it's only this ONE time. Also, do I need to say Maddie wins? Melissa is proud because she learned the dance in one day. I'll bet she did. Poor Nia and Paige don't place. Nia is disappointed because she knows she could do better than this. Christi worries because she knows 6th might not guarantee a spot at Nationals. As for Brooke, she places 4th and hopes Abby would still be proud of her. Kelly's in a predicament because Paige didn't place but Brooke did. Even then, they don't have much of a chance.

Abby's douche moment arrives just in the nick of time when she says that, all things considered, thought they did well but she wants that clean sweep. Then she rubs salt in the wounds and congratulates Melissa for her kids' wins. Christi's all "WTF?" Abby says she has no idea what's going to happen at the Nationals and ominously says that she may or may not use the whole group. We shall see about that...

Next time on the SEASON FINALE: IT ALL ENDS thank god. Cathy makes threats on beating the ALDC, Kelly vs. Abby once again, Cathy may have dementia, the Crapples chant outside of an ALDC storage closet, and Abby states that there will be hell to pay.

Project Runway: Belts are for Whippin' Bastards!

Previously on Project Runway: Another team challenge turned out to be surprisingly, well, smooth! The only drama being Elena and Eddie Munster going at it every ten seconds. My wildest dreams came true as my new bestie Miss Melissa won the Working Woman challenge with a chic dress that wasn't in black but *gasp!* BLUE! And the dreams continued to come true as both Mean Girl Gunnar and Eddie were in the bottom 2 but were crushed when only the auf'ed deeeeeeeeesigner was auf'ed. Again.

First, I haven't been able to watch the episode beforehand because I had rehearsal that evening and thought, "Oh, I don't need to DVR! La-di-da! I'll just watch it on demand!" So when I DID try to watch it, it wouldn't work. So that's why this entry is sooooo late. Second, I looked through my tags and wondered why I had put down "Team Melissa" and panicked because I most certainly don't remember supporting Melissa the Snatch (of Dance Moms) for any reason whatsoever, then I remembered I meant THIS Melissa. Oopsy-tootsy!

At long last, I was finally able to watch the episode!... after about two weeks. And I notice that only Heidi is present for the opening titles. What happened? No longer enthusiastic for the TENTH season? Sad no? Anyway, the morning montage features the designers not wanting to get up. Christopher, just like myself, sleeps with a sleeping mask on! Of course, I don't think it's because certain siblings insist of sleeping with a lamp on. Ven tries to get him up and Christopher asks him to make some coffee. Ven, of course, is an emotional pancake so I can't be sure if he was joking around. Sonjia decides to be snarky this week and wants to bump some of the silk chiffonies out in order to even the girls and guys. Dmit-zzzzz moans that he has gotten so close but has yet to win a chiiyallenge. He wants to prove to the judges that he's among the top but he's losing confidence in that. After someone wanting one day to just sleep in (not happening here!) and a shot of very nice boots that I would want (even if they are Mean Girl Gunnar's), it's off to the runway.

Today, Christopher is wearing Hoochie shorts and Toms, which do no favor for his skinny legs. Heidi introduces the NEW clients and everyone begins to panic when they see that, according to Elena, they are normal, run-of-the-mill people, not the Amazonian models they've been working with since day one. Heidi does tell them that they AREN'T their clients, per se, and Melissa grab her head in confusion and Christopher is worried about what is to come. It's the Product Placement challenge which, for this season, is called the "L'Oreal TV Whore Make my Friend Over" challenge. Also known as the "Fatty" challenge since real people are perceived to weigh over 5 pounds in the fashion world. Dmit-zzzzz jokes if they have a choice, to which Heidi quips with a "No!" Heidi wishes them lots of luck and Christopher gives Melissa a high five since she's the only one who doesn't have to worry so much since she has immunity. Heidi asks him what's wrong and assures him that it's going to be fun. Christopher then says, "You just wished up luck!" Project Runway this season seems to be very light hearted.

In the workroom, Tim introduces the episode's shill, Johnny Lavoy, who is the hairstylst for L'Oreal that the designers have been working with for forever. Obviously, he'll be working on the hair makeovers on the clients. Tim informs the designers that the clients have been randomly assigned and, as always, they only have a day for this challenge. So, let's meet these people who have sold their lives away for this episode.

Sonjia's client, a butch girl named Amanda, was dragged here by her older sister, Angelica, to spruce her up and make her look sophisticated. Amanda admits she usually wears sweats because it's very difficult shopping for her body. She relays an incident where shopping for her graduation dress took five hours. So she asks for a dress and Sonjia plans to stick to a stricter design. Elena meets Buffi 0.5, Jenna, and her friend Hilary. Hilary says that Jenna is very colorful but she overdoes it and buys colorful garments. She wants her to tone down the colors a bit. Christopher gets Kate and Michele, and it's a little hard to find out who is who because they both look fine. Kate normally dresses in jeans and blazers so she wants something that'll go with her everyday wear. We don't spend too much time on them so it's safe to say he's not going anywhere.

So, let's spend some time on tonight's problem child, Needlebutt Ven and his client, Terri, and her friend, Theo. You can feel his spirit dying when Terri, a big girl, says she's his client. Theo describes her regular attire as "business casual" and Ven asks for her normal attire, which Terri describes as 10 year old jeans and a t-shirt. Ven whines because he's disappointed that he got a plus size real woman and that plus sizes have different proportions. Theo wants to see her in a pretty dress, something Terri's son wants to see her in as well. Terri jokes about wanting jeans. Unamused Ven aims to give her something comfy. This will go over well.
Dmit-zzzzz's client is Angela and her friend Elena, who looks like a librarian and should lay off the red lipstick. And SHE'S not the one getting made over. Angela looks like a mini-Gretchen from season 8 (you know, the one who unrightfully won and pissed everyone off?). Dmit-zzzzz describes his aesthetic as high fashion but timeless. In other words, A BALLROOM COSTUME. Mini-Gretchen says she likes big chunky jewelry. This is exemplified by the chip clip in her hair. Both she and Dmit-zzzzz like contrast so this should work fine. Alicia's client, Martina, gives the best description for her outfit. She wants men to marry her and women to be her. This should be an interesting change because she looks like a 12-year-old. Again, we don't spend much time on this trio, to the point where the friend, Christina, doesn't even say much.
Melissa's client Kandace is another person who should lay off the red lipstick. Her friend, Jodi, says she starts of her outfits with her shoes. They agree on a dress. Nathan has Liana, at least I think that's her name, and her friend Joshua. She's a R&B singer in the making, which leads Nathan to say that he has a degree in music (then why are you here?) and that he plays, sings, and writes but the only musician he has every designed for was, get this, his MOTHER. You, sir, are a boring nerd.
Fabio's client, Ko-Rely, and her friend, Judah-ley, should have been given better names. Ko-Rely dresses like a hipster and she looks kind of dowdy and admits that she only wears dresses when she's forced to. Hello, new bestie. Ko-Rely wants to avoid being sexualized so Fabio plans to make something that's both edgy and girly. Mean Girl Gunnar's client, Kim, was dragged in by her friend Catherine because Kim has a great personality. Kim's excited for this because she's never had the opportunity for a makeover (I guess). She starts crying out of joy when Gunnar begins measuring her, prompting him to give her a hug. I'm going to take a wild guess that someone spiked his drinks with Paxil or something but, whoever you are, keep doing it. But also burn the shirt he's wearing too.

At Mood, Fabio aims for grey cotton while Nathan runs into a problem when the store is out of the material he's looking for: skanky blue satin. Dmit-zzzzz says that they have to tone down their aesthetic for their client which is the focus of the challenge while Needlebubblebutt Ven whines about having to work with a plus sized girl some more. The reason being he's a selfish asswipe.

After some time, Alicia has to throw in a soundbite, so I guess her main duty this season (until/unless she's auffed) is to recap the challenge. Mission accomplished. Go back to counting your dreads. The clients meet with Johnny to discuss their hair makeover. And who doesn't love hair makeovers? Personally, I want to do something crazy with my hair but I don't think anyone in my family would approve of it. Kandace is going redder, Mini-Gretchen will go brighter, Terri looks like she wants to punch something very hard, Jenna's hair is a bit wild, Johnny shills the Healthy Look product, and Ko-Rely's hair, which will be in an asymmetrical bob, is chopped off by her willing friend. These people look like fun. After that fun, Tim tells them they have until 11 (no surprise there). While Fabio whines about being in the bottom a few challenges back, NeedleBlubberButt Ven whines some more about the others having "model sized" clients (you hear that Sonjia? 5'2" is model sized!) and he's got a plus sized woman. Ms. Latrice Motherfuckin' Royale, take it away...

Guuuurrrrl... 5 G's.

Indeed. Good God, get a grip, girl. Ven is turning out to be as irritating as Olivier from Oheeo.

Now, let's dive into some character development. Today, it's siblings! Dmit-zzzzz doesn't click with his brother because he was a ballroom dancer while the brother preferred the totally not ambiguous sports. Mean Girl Gunnar's brother just turned 20 and is in the military. That made them closer. Personally, I'd be thrilled if any of my siblings went away for god knows how long. Then he brags about his happy family and I throw up. Luckily, Fabio skypes (?) with his boyfriend Jason, and they look adorable. It's nice to see him act all giddy.

Uncle Tim comes to gently eviscerate the garments, starting with Boring Nathan. I fell asleep during the critique but Melissa's voice woke me up to tell me that this is difficult for him because this dress is considered "extreme" for him. I think "extreme" for him is, I don't know, walking out into sunlight. Anyway, she hopes it doesn't cause him issues. Christopher is next and he's making something that can go with his clients jeans (jacket) or blazers (dress). Elena has a bit of an issue with her client because she doesn't have much of a torso... and she's making a high waisted piece. She's going to cover it up with some top so she hopes she can pull it off. Mean Girl Gunnar on Xanax's client wants to be bold but Tim thinks it can go pinata very fast. Popsicle Ven thinks Gunnar's skills aren't up to par but it's kind of hard to focus when he's slinging shit at another shit slinger. Tim advises MGGoX that the cleaner the better and he runs with that notion. Fabio wants his client to look feminine but Tim is concerned about the V-neck of the dress, thinking it's not low enough. Fabio, who listens to his client VEN, says that she doesn't like to show cleavage. He seems to be on solid ground. Sonjia's client's sister wants her to look more sophisticated. Nathan says something about Sonjia's garment but I fell asleep again. Sonjia is worried about the dress' length as it's getting a wee bit skimpy.

Now it's time for Popsicle Ven to really make an ass out of himself. First, he tells Tim that he was SHOCKED because he's never worked with a plus sized woman before and says, with an exhausted laugh, that she's a "size 14". Size 14? That's not even THAT big. Even Tim is a bit offended when he says, "That's on the CUSP." Nope, Ven's not done. He also says that she has no shape and her "before" pic is a nightmare. Fabio rips him for it in the confessional, and Elena, who looks on in the background in genuine disgust, has lost respect for him. And that's saying a lot from her. Tim advises him to play with shapes, but Ven whines about her age of 40, which Tim secretly thinks is ludicrous by saying "Oh yeah THAT'S old." Tim gives up and says that Ven should focus on giving Terri an epiphany and keep working. I think that's code for "I can only polish this turd so much..."

Back to the good, Alicia catches Tim off guard by using PINK. Not just any pink but soft pink! Fabio notes how the designers are making compromises for their clients and Alicia is an example of that. Tim worries that Dmit-zzzzz might make Mini-Gretchen too conservative but Elena calls his garment a yawn.

After Tim leaves, MGG shows his skirt to Elena, who thinks it's pretty grand. MGG notes that Elena is pretty opinionated most of the time but the designers are being so light-hearted this episode (save for Popsicle Ven), it sounds like she's joking half the time. The clients come in looking much better already but I'm most impressed with Ko-Rely's new do. She's like a kid in the candy store, shaking her hair around, and her reaction to the dress is precious. While Sonjia feels good about her dress, Christopher thinks it's missing something (like a few inches maybe?). Jenna's hair has been straightened and Dmit-zzzzz notes that Elena has gotten soft with her client. As she's fixing her dress, Alicia affirms her girl that it's going to "look dope" and notes that, as a butch lesbian with dreads coming on to this show, the LAST thing she thought she would ever make would be a little pink dress. Popsicle Ven thinks it's a hot mess. Karma will be a bitch. Elsewhere, Nathan's equally clueless slut loves the dress he's making and Nathan's trying to be polite by not making her look like a ho-bag. Those being my words. MGG, his client Kim, and friend are laughing around and having a grand old time as Gunnar tells them stories of frying butter. He promises to make a cute ass outfit for Kim tomorrow, who one-ups him with "Well, I hope I have a cute ass!" Indeed, Kim.
Time for Ven's asswipe moment #2! He says Terri's hair looks great and goes straight into being a douche by saying that he's making the design in black because "black is slimming." If Terri didn't want to deck him them, I don't know what will soon. Ven basically crams the poor woman in some odd black ensemble and then decides to throw a belt on her but bluntly states, "Well, I'll see if they have a bigger one." This is where Terri should've taken the belt and strangle him. Christopher notes that it's too much and MGG says that Ven is basically dogging his girl.

The pot called the kettle black. (Also, I shouldn't be allowed to edit photos.)

It's a brand new day, where the others dish about Ven being the ultimate douchebag. Fabio admits that Ven is everything he's not what his clothes appear to be. Blubberass Ven is STILL whining about having a big girl for a client and, again, says that it was unfair that the designers got "model sized" women to work with.

Did you not hear me?

The designers walk into the war room and Christopher jokes about how there should've been elves to finish their clothes last night. Har-de-har. This morning is special because Tim announces that they're getting THREE hours to get ready. Melissa's eyes FLY open at this news.

Ultimate Ass Ven again uses the "slimming" shade and Terri says that this outfit just isn't her at all. After he makes a huge shit about the belt again, Terri rightly calls him out by saying that he's practically calling her fat.

No, she's more "big boned."

Christopher leaves the room to talk to someone (I think Fabio) about how Ven being a dick and how he made Terri cry. The other clients are around her to calm her down. Ven, who looks like he could give a flying rat's ass, says that he can tell Terri's not happy and that she's avoiding him a lot and has no expression. Uh, looks who's talking, stone face. Ven says that she didn't like what he's been saying (duh-huh) and Terri and Theo say that this would be something she would wear to a funeral (Perhaps his?)
Make up time ensues and Alicia is hoping for "safe" for this round. Sonjia seems confident but her client looks bad according to Dmit-zzzzz, who thinks he should weeen because he embraced the chiyallenge. Last minute touch ups and it's time to go.

Today's abomination on Heidi is a sad, striped dress that fits like a sack. Also, Kors is wearing CONVERSE?! Whoa! The guest for tonight is Alice Temperley, a British fashion designer, so you know she's going to be very honest. Let's the show begin!

Nathan's outfit is pretty much what it set out to be: A slutty mess. Elena's girl Jenna looked nice, cute, and sophisticated and she's even beaming. It's nice to not see those extreme shoulder pads for a change. Melissa's dress for Kandace does look chic but her scarf is way too big. Heidi and Kors have a shit about not being able to see the dress (it's on her?) but at least the make up team took away her red lips. MGG's dress is actually decent, if not teetering towards frumpy, but Kim having a ball on the runway makes up for it. To my surprise, Alicia's pink cocktail dress not only looks great, but her model looks her age. For a second, Christopher's client looked a bit like Idina Menzel but she looks pretty good, until she crumples her jacket into a ball. As expected, Ven made Terri look frumpy and she certainly is not a happy camper. I LOVE Mini-Gretchen's new hair and her dress Dmit-zzzzz made may be the only one that doesn't seem ballroom-ish. But Ko-Rely, with her new hair and in Fabio's dress, beats them all hands down, even if she walks like a truck driver. Hell, *I* can DANCE better in heels. And Sonjia made her girl look short and stumpy. Seriously, her dress was more of a pretty shirt.

Melissa, Alicia, Elena, and Christopher-a (wait, whoops) are all safe and they could not be any more relieved to hear those words. Since Melissa had immunity, Chris was expecting his and the other two to be in the bottom. He wanted to do gymnastics around the room and I would pay big money to see that. Elsewhere, the bottoms (Sonjia, Ven, and Nathan) get sent away to the lounge. Sonjia pouts and Nathan basically admits that he knew he was going to land in the bottom for his skank dress. Needleass Ven decides to throw every excuse in the book, but Alicia calls him out on in. She says that Ven is relatively clueless on how to deal with regular people as clients. Since not everyone on the planet have the same Amazonian features as the models competing on this show. Alicia also throws some shade saying that if he can't even do that basic task, he's technically not even a designer. Whoa, good point there, girl!

THE GOOD:
Dmit-zzzzz: Mini-Gretchen is a graphic designer who loves her new look and didn't think that was even possible. Heidi could feel her confidence and that she was bright but cool, sexy but not slutty, and that the guys will be calling her (she has a boyfriend so what are you getting at?). Nina says she looks edgy and cool and the color compliments her hair, so everything works. Kors says he was smart with the fabric choice. Thankfully, Alice provides some slight negative feedback by wishing the neck was a teensy bit lower but, otherwise, he did a great job.

Fabio: Ko-Rely is a film student and he aimed to make her a powerful but feminine woman. She LOVES the garment, especially since she doesn't like to wear dresses. She also likes how the dress allows her to show off her guns, which she flexes. Heidi loves her "gangsta" attitude and her friend is surprised by the great outcome. Nina is SO pleased with the final design and adds that it looks phenomenal. Heidi can immediately tell that she's an artist and it's genius that Fabio managed to get her into a dress. Alice also loves the dress and the necklace works well with it, but thinks the belt looks very distracting. Kors also loves the dress and thinks it's ironic how Fabio, a boy wearing a dress, managed to get Ko-Rely into a dress. HA!

Mean Girl Gunnar: He didn't piss me off this episode so I don't mind it as much that he's on the top. He wanted to make something that would reflect her spirit and Kim wanted something red carpet worthy. And boy did she get it. Heidi says that she was the best model up there today and Kors thought she rocked it. He thought the dress had movement, was flirty but wasn't childish and her personality came out. Alice compliments how it looks on her body and Nina calls the transformation phenomenal. She also thought a LBD was a good choice, but the neckline could've been lower for a sexier look.

THE BAD:
Sonjia: She aimed to make A-MAN-da a sophisticated piece but something comfortable since she's a tomboy. The sister wanted something that can work in the real world. Heidi thought that the knot could've worked but not here and it's too short. Alice thinks the shoulders should be cut off and the proportions are way off. Kors thinks it went too far. Nina also has issues with the shoulders and that Sonjia didn't really work with her client.

Ven: Before the evisceration of Ven begins, I just want to say that lately, to deal with the stress from my family, I've been snapping a rubber band against my arm to calm down in case I go on a blood soaked rampage caused from stupidity that rises from the Xbox/loud music/dirty dishes/all around ignorance. And, well, let's just say that rubber band was snapping A LOT during this critique.
Ven begins his fall from grace by saying this is the first time he's ever worked with a "real" person... so models are androids? Terri is NOT happy with the final result and is happy Theo spoke up. She also says that he ended up highlighting the spot she feels the most uncomfortable (the midsection), which leads Ven to throw MORE excuses (and giving me welts on my arm). Heidi finds it amazing how there's always one designer who throws the tired "real" person excuse and felt that the clothes were just thrown on her and it didn't match her at all. Kors calls it a turquoise smock and Alice thought it was inappropriate for the office. Terri makes it clear that it doesn't make her feel great, and Theo calls Ven out on not listening to her. She begins to cry because she loves Terri for everything she does and this doesn't match her lifestyle. They hug. Ven gives bitchface. Nina can see that she's definitely not going to the office in this and Heidi calls it mismatched. But she does see that she has a great friend in Theo. Heidi then puts salt on the wound and says that it's all Ven's fault.

Nathan: Slut wished it was tighter. Her friend is happy with it. Heidi had no idea it was going to be a stage dress but it looks cheap and hoochie mama. Alice has no idea what the term "hoochie mama" means, so Kors tells her that it's the American equivalent of a "tart". She then says, "Oh, yes. LOTS of those in England." Nina tells him that since she was a performer, the possibilities are ENDLESS. It's a mess of a dress, very unfortunate, and ill fitting. Nathan speaks but I fall asleep once more. Kors says he wanted to see a look, not a costume. Someone says that the client is not a designer and he's not a seamstress. In the end, the dress is a cliche, the braiding is prom, tight satin is always a bad choice, and Nathan practically threw away the challenge.

In deliberations, Heidi had no idea what the what Needlebutt Ven was talking about. He didn't work with his client and he was being selfish. Kors says that he didn't care about her at all.

Before elimination, Heidi warns that "One... OR MORE... will be out." GASP!

Winner: Fabio! He beams as Heidi says that it was an unexpected look but it worked. He's also immune. I love how Christopher is always the first one to give a hug in the lounge. I'm also glad Gunnar didn't make some smug ass remark as he left the runway. What's wrong with me?

Rather than a bottom two, Heidi repeat her warning. She shit-cans Nathan first. He cries because he knows how to dress people and a bunch of other stuff but I stopped paying attention. Sonjia is safe, which leaves Ven left alone on the runway. Heidi slams him for the twat that he is, saying that she wonders if he's flexible enough for this competition. He's safe but doesn't seem grateful for the save. In the lounge, he bitches about how he shouldn't have been the last one out there but Alicia gives bitchface.

Go have some humble pie. Mmmm... pie.

Tim sends Nathan off with some Chicken Soup for the Loser. Nathan puts me to sleep one last time.

Next time (since I can no longer actually do these on a week-to-week basis): Looks will go into production! Big challenges, The women struggle, Ven makes some misogynistic comment, and Sonjia has a meltdown.

Dance Moms: The Children Have Gone to the Mental Ward

Previously on Dance Moms: It was the ALDC Concert/Showcase/Something performance! Abby tried (and failed) to choreograph a hip-hop piece. She forced Paige to dance, Maddie to lose her featured spot in "Trapped" to bestie Chloe, and handed out scholarships at the end of the program. Crazy Cathy was invited, made some snide remarks, and left to create bad imitations of Abby's work. A woman approaches Abby to join the company and I missed Project Runway and the on demand channel refuses to play it (STILL!!! GRAGGH!!!!)

At the pyramid, Abby congratulates the girls on a successful concert. She says that now Pittsburgh knows why they're NATIONALLY RANKED CHAMPIONS (in anything but hip-hop). It was a smashing success, but with horrible hip-hop. But, anyway, she stresses about the road to Nationals and this is where things get TOUGH. This week they're going to the iHollywood competition in Los Angeles. The last time they went (which no one mentions in this episode), Cathy decided to compete against them by pitting Vivi-Anne and Justice against Nia and Macks and Busted Ankle Taylor against Chloe (With THE SAME MUSIC!!!). Shocking no one but her one brain cell, ALDC wiped the floor with them and, thankfully, they aren't around this time. Abby goes on to say that this competition is a BIG deal and it's VERY important. These are the drinking phrases for the night. And that they're going up against the big guns, because California dancers are right up there with New York (whoop whoop!) dancers.

Paige is at the bottom of the worst idea ever invented for television because she really couldn't do too much with the boot. Yawn. Next is Brooke because hip-hop isn't her thing (hip-hop isn't doing these girls any favor. Give it up). Macks follows because while she looked like one of the "big girls", the hip-hop choreography was a bit over her head. Nia is in the middle for winning the "Most Improved" scholarship but is reminded to not rest on her laurels (that's pretty hard to do since Abby shreds that joy in pieces with criticism. Unless you're Maddie). Chloe is next for doing a great job in "Trapped" and Maddie's on top for winning the scholarship in her age division. Kendall still hasn't earned a spot on the pyramid YET, which Jill-Cher bitches about in her confessional by saying Abby is only doing this to torture her... and Kendall. Nice save there.

This week, Mackenzie and Nia (squee!) are doing solos and Abby wants to give another girl a solo but can't decide who so she asks, "WHO WANTS A SOLO?!" The editing shows a very confused Maddie and Chloe meekly raising their hands (I guess the Hyland girls didn't want to be berated this week) and, to still teach Maddie a lesson in "Don't fuck with Abby", Chloe wins the solo spot, but Abby warns that it could be given to Maddie at any given second. Whatever. The group dance is going to feature everyone, including Kendall. Kelly's worried because Paige's foot hasn't been cleared by the doctor, and that appointment's tomorrow. The group number is titled, "I Can See the Kite Flying" and before you can wrap that one around your head, Abby says it's important to the company. Why is that? The song is another creepy poem performed by the same guy who was used for the Children of the Corn dance, "Where have All the Children Gone?" Which is pronounced. "WHERE.... Have All.... the Children......................................... GONE." It's basically going to be the next step in this missing children journey, with the same dark undertones, but now the kids are in an insane asylum. Oh goodie! I love a good crazy person dance! Abby believes that it could be like its predecessor, which is a BIG winner. Brooke makes an attempt to explain the group dance, which involves the inmates seeing a kite, or at least they think they can see a kite, and are trying to catch it. But then she remembers her human qualities and ends the interview with, "I don't know really! *laughs*". Holly reiterates that Abby does "weird" extremely well and this is no exception. She also sarcastically says that no one in L.A. will be doing a number like this. Points for Holly.

It's time for our front desk moment with Gia! Today, Kaya, the Korto Momolu look-a-like from the previous episode from St. Louis, is here to see Abby about seeing Nicaya is fit to join the team. Abby has no idea just who exactly are these two, but she DOES know that they're from a colleague's studio. Maybe Nicaya is just what she needs! Kaya goes through the trial Mom meeting and the meeting's typical of those from the past: Melissa sucks up, Holly's gracious, Kelly's bitching about Abby bringing in new people, and Christi's a Popsicle: Cold with a big ol' stick shoved up her butt. Lighten up! Melissa wants to know about Kaya's thoughts on the concert and Kaya wastes no time in showing that she's not here to play. She says that the technical skills of the girls are great, but they're definitely not entertainers. Christi points out the obvious that Kaya's opinionated. Kaya confessionalizes that the girls lack "divatude". The Dance Moms have no idea what that means, but I do, even when she explains it as knowing you have "it" and none of these girls ('cept maybe Nia) have "it". I like her already.

Nicaya is brought over to the barre so Abby can see her ballet technique. Not like THAT matters because most of her work is acro-heavy anyway. Abby wants to see if she knows the terminology but Maddie says that while it's nice to have new girls try out, she doesn't want anyone to join NOW. Like Vivi-Anne back in season 1, Nicaya is unable to do any acro but she does seem skilled enough to join. Abby, however, is skeptical that Kaya might only be doing this just to get on television a competing team. Somewhere in here, one of the moms asks about her jacket, which bears the name "Black Patsy." Um, odd? Also, she says something about Nicaya joining the team NOW. Then, she's told to come down to have a word with Abby. The moms wish her luck, which she responds, "I ain't scared of her!" With her out of earshot, the moms immediately bitch about her. Abby whines about Nicaya's lack of terminology but Kaya believes that isn't relevant. All she wants is her daughter to dance. Anyway, Abby asks if she can come back tomorrow. Sure! Christi is flummoxed by Abby bringing in new people, and just when things couldn't get crazier. On this show? Ridiculous! In the dressing area (?), Kaya thinks that Nicaya having to SPELL these terms is complete and utter bullshit. To her daughter. She's one tough broad. I'd go drinking with her. But Kaya's going to be smart and "play her game" and make sure her kid spells these terms. Because spelling has everything to do with writhing around on the floor like a crazy person.

At Kelly's house, Brooke is singing her song, "Summer Love Song" on her webcam with Paige, who's bopping around in the background. In the confessional, Paige attempts to beatbox after saying she'll be singing back up. Two seconds after posting their video, they're getting hits! Well, two but still. They high five each other. This is the closest thing to normal this show is ever going to get, and it's a shame really. But Lifetime likes pointless drama, so let's get back on the crazy train.

It's a new day as the team comes into the dressing area and Kendall asks about the new girl. The moms dish about "Black Patsy" before Kaya and Nicaya enter to a rather cold room. Holly can feel the tension as Kaya strolls past the moms as Nicaya warms up with the others. The girls ask her if there's a nickname she'd like to go by and she tells them to call her "Nini."

Not this Nini.

Kendall makes a joke about calling Nia "Laquifa" from now on and the girls laugh. Kaya, because she has no idea where this originated from, looks less than amused.

It's time for the group rehearsal and Kelly hopes Paige will be cleared for the dance this week since it'll take an additional week or so for her to get use to being bootless. Kaya decides to break the ice and asks if any of the moms work during the week. Only Holly can respond with, "Well, I USED to." and, I probably missed this, Christi had to sell her business. Kaya lets them know that she's a single mom with FOUR kids and, unsurprisingly, her last relationship ended because of dance. She's no Latrice Royale but she's got guts. And somewhere in this exchange, Kaya outs herself as a lesbian, which blows the moms out of the water. She confessionalizes that it's like they've never MET a lesbian before. Then, to bounce back, one of the moms asks about the "Black Patsy" moniker. Kaya says it's in tribute to Patsy Ramsey, the mother of Jonbenet Ramsey, who was, allegedly, one of the craziest stage moms out there. Sweetheart, her name is Mama Rose and her kid wasn't the center of a murder investigation. Kelly interviews that she would never want to be associated with Patsy. There's a bit more group rehearsal and Kelly fetches Paige to take her to the doctor's, where Abby wishes her the best of luck.

Time for the solo montage, starting with Chloe rehearsing "Glitz and Glamor". Abby says that it's going to represent the NEW Hollywood: Piercings, tattoos, stepping over others to get ahead, alcohol, jail time, outrageous arguments, trying to pass cocaine as bubblegum, eating disorders, the works. Because that's totally Chloe. Abby also says that Chloe has a target on her back, though I don't think it's because of those LA kids. I think it's because Abby wants to kill her. We're back to the group with Abby yelling at the girls to not land so loudly (well, if you didn't focus so heavily on acro routines...). Paige waltzes into the room sans boot! She's been cleared to dance, but she can't do tricks and has to remain limited in movement. Abby hears none of this. This is followed by some more desk time with Abby asking Kaya to fill out some paperwork. Kaya asks if Abby is taking a chance on Paige since she was just injured. No, she's taking a chance on her because she's been at the studio since she was three. So, does this mean she's good or not? Kaya is getting pissed because Paige barely has the routine down and Nini has it memorized already. Arguments arise about auditions and Abby asks them if they would go to Cali, even if they weren't going to dance. Sure they would. Kaya will do whatever it takes to get Nini on the team. Kaya, you can't suck up any more than Jill-Cher did.

The next day, Kaya has invited the moms to lunch to get to know them a bit better. The moms still call her Patsy and still can't get over her being a lesbo. Melissa breaks the ice by asking her why she made the switch from women to men. Kaya's gaydar is picking up some odd vibes from Melissa because she's being "really friendly". Complete with confused face. Maybe Mel is a bigger mattress than I thought? Some more time goes by, Kaya calls them "crazy dance moms", Jill-Cher surprised by how Kaya is getting her kid on the team after a few days when Jill-Cher screwed her kid over by being a bitch for god knows how many weeks, and so on. Christi thinks it's unnerving that Kaya's doing this and Holly finds this lunch very bizarre. So she asks Kaya just who IS she. Kaya, however, says she doesn't give a damn about them.

Nia rehearses her solo some time later. It's inspired by Josephine Baker and it's done to a song that's nothing but scatting. Cool! In the Mom Booth, Dr. Holly gives the moms a history lesson by saying Josephine was pretty much the Beyonce of her day. Abby demonstrates a move for Nia, which involves gyrating, and she is NO Josephine Baker or Beyonce. I need a mental brillo. Macks is doing an acro routine (what else?) called "Hollywood" for obvious reasons. It seems that Abby is very musicality focused today. Macks loves the solo because she loves Hollywood.

We're back to the very important group that Abby loves so much... well, except for Paige and Nini being boring. She keeps switching them back and forth to see which girl will work better. Kelly just wants to know who exactly is on the team here. She's concerned because most of the turns occur on Paige's busted foot and hopes she'll take it easy. Upstairs, Paige goes to Kelly, who tells her to speak up when necessary. Then Kelly bitches about Paige being ripped out of the group. Paige sits out of this rehearsal and Abby warns her that if it's still bothersome at the competition, she's out of the number. Kelly wants to knock someone out so she politely excuses herself... to go and scream and cry obscenities in the lobby. Abby says she keeps bringing in new moms and kids because of behavior like Kelly's. I can see that, but why are they always crazy people? After some more mom fighting, Abby brings down the moms for a chat. Kaya states that she hopes Nicaya will replace "Brokeback Brooke or Pegleg Paige". As mean as that way, I thought that was pretty clever. Points of Kaya. Another screaming match erupts between Kaya and Christi and then Jill-Cher, Christi, and Melissa leave. Kaya giggles at the ridiculousness. Abby says that Kaya is totally ready to go with them but she's not making any promises about the group. And that she better watch her mouth. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

The team flies out to California for iHollywood. Abby is excited to be here, calling it an opportunity, but she's been so busy with other things, she hasn't thought about the whole Nini group routine thing. She also wants to know about Kelly's random outburst the other day. Kelly's whining that Abby only is judging Paige for marking it the whole time when, OBVIOUSLY, she's not going to ON STAGE. Abby has no idea why there's more fighting that usual and Kaya calls Kelly out on her tantrum. Kelly tries to pull a Melissa and denies it, and of course it doesn't work. Abby is aware that Kelly thinks Nini is going to replace Paige, when it wasn't even her intention to do so. In all this, Christi has had enough, tries to block it out, and focus on Chloe, because the more she's going to focus on this dumb argument, the less time Chloe has to rehearse. Nia's "20's Scat" piece, to Holly, might be her most mature piece yet so she's super nervous.

Chloe's a bit nervous because she's up against LA girls this time. They're way fiercer but she won't let them get in her way. Her song sounds like something Nancy Sinatra might of made. Chloe stumbles a bit in the beginning but she does pretty swell after that. Abby, of course, doesn't miss the mess up but she recovered with her turn sequence. Christi thought some parts were brilliant and others were not up to snuff.
Nia follows her and she's veeeeeeeerrry nervous dancing this piece because scatting doesn't have the typical beat to count to as most other songs do, so she hopes she can pull it off. Her costume is gorgeous and fits the theme. I think Abby, or Holly, or me, says it's simply fleeting and, in the end, she makes it her own. Most like, this is Abby talking. I found it to be very stunning. Holly calls her kid a mini goddess and that Josephine Baker would've been very proud. Agreed. Abby basically repeats Christi's critique with the Nationals thing at the end.
Macks' hopes her solo will go well since they're in Hollywood and everything. Her costume is pretty weird and Melissa says she's energetic. BUT IT'S THE SAME DAMN CHOREOGRAPHY SHE'S BEEN DOING SINCE DAY ONE. Abby says she did a great job and did everything that pleases her, but every so often Macks' would be ahead of the music.

In the dressing room, Abby freaks out over who may or may not be in the group. Kaya believes Nini might replace Paige and everyone is afraid of that. Paige may have years of training but Nini learned it in 24 hours. Nini finally gets a confessional in the episode where she says that she'll be very sad if she traveled all this way for squat. So she approaches Abby to know, for sure, if she's dancing. Brave kid. So Abby's gonna run the routine one more time and who can't keep up will be cut. Kelly's pissed because Abby's still playing "mind games" but I'm still confused because don't these competition people need to know who's in the routine days beforehand? She has Paige, Nini, and, for some reason, Macks run the routine. For Abby, Paige is bland, Nini isn't impressing her much because she's new, and I'm guessing Macks was at risk as well. Kelly says that she will flip out if Paige is cut, but then again she flips out over the silliest little things so whatever, Kelly. Well, it doesn't matter because Abby announces that they will ALL dance. That was a killjoy. Abby is nervous for Paige because her foot is still sore. And then it's GAME FACES, PEOPLE! Nini is nervous but she wants to prove to Abby that she can hang with this team.

Last time Abby did a number like this, it won hands down (and creeped everyone out). Oh, did you know that this is important for the NATIONALS?! Christi throws some shade about the piece, saying that the girls really are using their best dance abilities, which is imitating Tourettes and punching themselves in the face. In the audience (and at home), the moms (and myself) have no idea what to make of this American McGee's Alice rip off, but Holly wins for accuracy.

"What the fudge is this?"

Paige and Nini did okay for Abby but, today, they did good enough. In my opinion, after finding the whackjob poem and watching this, I really didn't like it. It lacked the punch WHTCG had and the poem just repeats the words "sky" and "blue" too many times.

It's time for the awards, starting with the mini/petite/8 and under/midget category. Macks places third, and Melissa lets us know a lyrical number beat her. Because expressive movements definitely outshine the same three tricks over and over again. She doesn't really sound too upset by this. For the Junior awards, Nia lands in 10th place (huh?) and Chloe places 5th. Holly says something along the lines of Nia could've walked out and performed Shakespeare and it would've been the same caliber. Abby says that these girls need to do WAY better. For some reason, I hold my breath when the groups are announced. Second is called and it's not them and then, shocker! They win! Abby's relieved. But the joy stops when Nini is handed the mic to announce who choreographed and all that crap.

Abby makes a huge shit about this in the dressing room, saying Nini had a lot to say on the mic (you mean your name and studio? Sounds like a mouthful). Kelly's still on her "Woe is me, Paige could be replaced" kick but Kaya is well aware that she's not. Kelly ignores her like the rude woman that she is, saying stuff like, "I think there's a person talking" which Kaya fires back with "KAYA was talking!" More piss match leads to Kaya saying something along the lines of not calling Kelly a slew of four lettered words but she's trying to be respectful (too late). And all respect I had for her gets flushed when she pulls the "I'm BLACK" card and calling out Holly for not standing up for her "sister". Holly's ticked off by that comment and says that she would never rest on her ethnicity as an excuse. She has all 50 degrees to back her up and that she's "DR. HOLLY to you!" I'll forever love Holly. Jill-Cher managed to get the duct tape off her mouth so she jumps down Kaya's throat with some nonsense, but Kaya calls it as she sees it. She then calls Christi "phony" and a bitch. Christi responds, "You don't know ANYTHING, BIIIIIITCH." Seriously, these days, I doubt "bitch" is as offensive as, say, "Dyke", "C*nt", "Politics", etc. Kaya gets up and leaves, because she's from the hood and will knock a bitch out. No arguments there.

Next time: More Nationals talk. Maddie asks for a solo but is denied by Abby, causing her to cry. Brooke records her song, with the team as back up. Lots of Paige drama. And I don't think I saw Kaya or Nini anywhere in sight.

Dance Moms: A Big Heavy Dose of "WTF"

Previously on Dance Moms: Abby projected the general consensus of the show into an Amish women piece, the Crapples came, saw, and lost (sort of). Chloe lost to Justice by a measly 1/10th of a point, which, of course, is the end of the world for Jabba. Nia was on top, and was dance captain and handled that well, but that's not dramatic, so Melissa cursed up a storm and got into it with Crazy Cathy.

Pyramid begins with Abby gushing about them being national champions and whatnot, the same old drinking game lines she always recites. Along with beating Crazy Cathy. So she's very proud. I don't get why Paige still needs to show up to the pyramid because she's going to be injured for a while and it's not like she's going to be dancing anytime soon. Anyway, she's there and there's nothing to judge her on so whoop-de-doo. MADDIE is next on the bottom because she denied a chance to do a solo. Christi said something about it but I didn't catch what it was so it's probably just another recycled interview with her. Chloe rounds out the bottom because she's a tenth of a point loser and ruined Abby's goal of getting a clean sweep. Next time, she has to make mincemeat out of Justice. In the middle row, Brooke is there because she managed to do the whole bonnet thing correctly and Macks joins her because she won the duet with Kendall. Once again, I get all giddy because Nia is on the top for the second straight week in a row. Abby, again, says that it's not about the dancing but also about everything else. Nia's such a good noodle. Unfortunately, Jill-Cher ruins the moment by butting in about why isn't Kendall still on the pyramid when so deserves to be there. Abby, again, explains to her that she's only there as a sub for Paige. When Paige has healed, Kendall's off the team again. Jill-Cher's response to this is "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS THREE WEEKS AGO?!" Probably because you didn't let her by screaming on and on trying to get Kendall back on the team. Meanwhile, Kendall is crying. Also, because you left the team, remember? Jill-Cher continues to make an ass out of herself by sidestepping her being a horrible woman by trying to apologize to Ken with "I'm sorry I put you through all this!" Should of thought of that before you signed up for this shitshow. Abby explains that the teamwork is all about commitment. And Jill-Cher is always ready to jump ship. And Abby doesn't want any more altercations between the moms. How about we laugh that one out?

There's no competition this week as it's the 2012 ALDC recital... weird. Last year she called it the (somewhat less juvenile) showcase. Nevertheless, it's still very important to Abby because this not only shows all the pieces Abby has created for the companies of her studio (Elite, Teen, Senior, and, I'm guessing, Competing) but it's also a way to bring in new students interested in joining the studio. But, since this show is nothing without a new dance piece (believe it or not, there is dancing in this show!), Abby has decided to create a *cringe* hip-hop piece that even she would rather not be doing. It's called "Light my Fire" and everyone would rather have the idea of doing a hip-hop routine go up in flames. Maddie's sort of excited but says that none of them can "either hip OR hop". To add on to this fuckery, Paige is told she might be capable of doing this routine but Kelly is very skeptical and worried. She immediately tells Abby that they need to get the doctor's approval first and Abby is aware of that, which translates to "YEAH RIGHT!" Kelly says that the doctor said she can't dance for at least 4 weeks, and it's only been three weeks, so it might not be happening. Oh, and Abby wants Kelly to call up some of her classmates from back in the day, despite the fact that Kelly lost contact with them since she quit the studio years ago. Abby also announces that, at the end of the recital, there will be scholarships awarded to one person from each level. I say that it's always going to be a competition with this woman but I'm thankful that none of the moms make a huge stink out of it.

The hip-not rehearsals are underway and Abby says that part of the reason she's having them do this is to prove that this studio can do it all. So why is SHE the one teaching them this? In the Mom holding cell, Kelly tells the others that her girls hate hip-hop and Paige looks like a wet noodle when dancing. She also says she's skeptical about calling up her old classmates because she doubts that any of them will remember her. And, if they did, they'll be like "THAT BITCH?" Meanwhile, Abby calls Paige over. Allegedly, Paige has been able to cartwheel and attempting to do acro in the boot and irritating the balls off of Abby by walking up and down the bus. Oh good gravy, who cares! Holly can't stand concert time because there's added stress of doing multiple routines in rapid succession (dressing at that speed is no party, I can vouch for that), how everyone is basically running on fumes, and she compares it to a root canal. Jill-Cher has to squeeze in living vicariously through Kendall at this moment and how she deserves to be on the squad again but Kelly screeches that she auditioned, Jill-Cher screwed it up for her, and now she has to audition again. Jill-Cher brings up Brooke's cheerleader-gate but Kelly tells her that Brooke was given permission to do that from Abby. So I guess she could have returned to the team if cheerleading didn't work out. Christi mimes shooting herself in the head, and I think that's the only unscripted thing we've seen on this show so far.

The next day, Madame Leslie Rose and Jill-Cher have conveniently parked next to each other. Immediately, Leslie takes it upon herself to tell Jill-Cher what she doesn't know already and to watch her back. Leslie says she thought it would be for the best to tell her this before they chew her up and spit her out. Leslie also brings up how they talk about their husbands and Jill-Cher cannot believe that Leslie is saying this random nonsense. It gets even weirder when Leslie tells Jill-Cher the story about how she met Melissa's boyfriend during a Halloween episode years ago where they went to a drug store to pick up some specific Halloween bags and, lo and behold, Melissa tells Leslie that "this is the man [she] is in love with." WTF?! Just when this show couldn't get any more confusing, Leslie spits that out with the worst timing ever. Jill-Cher confessionalizes that Leslie is acting like an immature baby and that these moms are not better than mean girls. Does this include herself? In the end, Jill-Cher is only concerned about her fame whoredom Kendall.

The snowball of confusion continues to roll down the hill as country-hick music tells us we're in Ohio. For some very strange reason or another, Crazy Cathy has managed to secure tickets to Abby's showcase but has no idea who sent them to her. She discusses this with one of the Apple Moms and asks if they should even go to see how awful it is compared to hers. I can only imagine how awful Cathy's recitals are compared to Abby's... on second thought, let's not go through the pain. I mean, the Crapples have actually won 1st at other competitions, but in other categories Abby's are almost never entered in (like Large groups) and the pieces themselves definitely don't look like Cathy choreographed them. I think it's time she retired. Anyway, Cathy is both mystified by the tickets and hysterical because they're paper printout tickets! Gee, Cathy, the wonders of the internet really blow your mind, don't they? What does she do, inlay her tickets with gold? The random Crapple mom says she's up for a good laugh.

More hip-hop rehearsal shows that this piece is getting more worse by the second. The showcase is important to Abby because her reputation is on the line. Isn't that why this show was made? Soon, she blathers how the girls don't know hip-hop and something else but since these girls are normally seen doing acro most of the time, why would they? Kelly informs us that Paige is allowed to walk BUT NOT DANCE. So she's doing the dance from the waist up. Ooookay then, that's pretty dumb. Now the reason for Abby's choice of genre is because she wanted to incorporate Paige in the number, which is possibly one of the dumbest things she's ever done on this show so far (THE dumbest was doing the Showgirls number. You know, the one that's been banned from being shown ever since?). Christi calls her insane for trying to incorporate gymnasts lyrical dancers with heavy hitting hip hop. It can be done but only with THE PROPER TEACHERS. Less than pleased with the girls, Abby brings in one of her best hip-hop dancers in the studio, who just so happens to be Big Pimpin' Payton. The contract they probably signed with the production team have nothing to do with this. So she demonstrates some moves... and while she has rhythm, she is in no way a hip-hop dancer. Jill-Cher believes that Payton was only brought in to make the girls feel bad about themselves. Probably out of desperation, Abby puts her in the hip-hop piece. Kelly is just thrilled because this means Madame Leslie Rose gets to join the moms in this week from hell.

Refresher rehearsals are underway as Christi tells us that most of the pieces we see on the show (or not) are sometimes learned in only a day so the girls have to work even harder just to remember them. Here, the girls are rehearsing the Homeless girl number, "Trapped." I actually liked this number, even if the actual footage of Maddie getting stuck in Brooke's hair wasn't shown for the show (more reality manipulation. Lifetime, give it a rest!). Abby tells the girls (or us, who knows really) that the number was called "Trapped" partly because of the song (no shit, Sherlock) but this time is going to be special. Abby wants to teach Maddie the lesson of consequences for turning down Abby and that having a featured part is a privilege. So she's switching her with (the similarly dressed) Chloe for the homeless girl part. Christi is excited that Chloe can get the opportunity to do featured parts (what about that whole "Rich Girls" dance?) and that if Maddie can get scholarships out of the wazoo at competitions, why can't Chloe? Chloe says she's nervous (of course) but she's taking this opportunity by the horns while Maddie is a bit bummed for losing out on the part because she didn't want to do the solo.

It's now the dress rehearsal (or, at least, it should be ONE OF the dress rehearsals) at the venue. Abby is up in the light booth, running cues with the light guy and communicating with Gia! and the stage crew to get things running smoothly. There's going to be lots of routines, which brings lots of quick changes and tons of frivolity. Abby recaps that, at the end of the concert, the scholarships (which apparently have never been done before) will be presented. After seeing the senior company rehearse for a bit, Abby goes into the mom dressing room (which looks like a blackbox theatre really) with the rest of the hip hop costumes, which include red shorts and hats. They don't have enough time to bedazzle them now so the girls will rehearse in their black leotards. In comes Payton from another piece as Abby tells her to change into something different for the rehearsal. Payton tells us that she's in FIFTEEN PIECES (I'm amazed) this year so quick changes for her are going to be ridiculous. Keep in mind, these are fifteen completely different costumes, unlike the fifteen changes my dad bitched and moaned about when we were in the producers, where half the time the changes were usually just a coat or there was plenty of time between numbers (I, however, had about 11, was dancing most of the time, AND was dressing other people on top of that. AND I DIDN'T COMPLAIN ONCE). I can imagine that ALDC changes are rapid fire. Anyway, Payton doesn't know how she's going to manage it all. Meanwhile, Kelly says that Paige's boot is broken because of Abby's ignorance so now her foot is in jeopardy.

Leslie hasn't done anything bitchy and over the line in the past few minutes, so she barges into the light booth to talk to Abby about the show's lineup. And it's not, "I'll knock on the door politely and see if she has time to chat". No, she BARGES in, door swinging open and everything. Abby can't believe Leslie has the audacity to go into the light booth WHILE SHE'S WORKING to talk about something Abby is going to take care eventually. After some lineup talk where Leslie refuses to comprehend English, Abby kicks her out and asks one of the booth guys to make a sign saying "NO PARENTS!" for the door. Like that'll stop Leslie.

The hip-hop rehearses and Abby yells at Busted Foot Paige for, among all other things, FOOTWORK. Just how stupid is she? Kelly announces her concern (by shouting in the theatre, so Abby can hear her in the booth) for Paige's foot, that she looks like an idiot dancing in the number, and that the dance is stupid. She says that Paige doesn't even have to be in it. Abby wants the girls to run it again and Paige to rest quickly. Suddenly, when Abby wants them to start, Paige isn't there and Gia! comes out to tell Abby that Paige can't stand up. Uh, if she's on a headset, why did she run out to say this? As Paige is given ice for her foot, Kelly decides to step up. Abby gives her many ridiculous options, the only smart one being TAKE HER OUT OF THE DANCE, since she has no time to re-choreograph. Kelly decides to take Paige out. But Leslie has to shit on this parade and bring up rehearsals and why didn't anyone speak up before then. Surprisingly, Paige tells her that she did speak up but Leslie rudely tells her something along the lines of "YEAH, ONCE!" Who let this woman breed? Then she begins to attack Kelly's parenting skills, prompting the two to argue about the piece and something about videotaping it. Kelly can't deal with Leslie right now and says it's none of her business. Nope, Leslie really fucks up big time and cruelly says that Kelly needs to add yet another meeting to her schedule, AA and therapy. This sets Kelly off and they get into a huge screaming match. Leslie confessionalizes that the women are brutal liars. Yes but you're no Mary Sunshine yourself.

Flushed with rage, Kelly refuses to be in the same room with Leslie and storms out. Melissa appears to storm out as well, but it's really just to check on Kelly and see what's up with her, along with Christi, both who are wearing exercise clothes. Kelly says she's taking her kids home, with Paige limping to the car, and she asks Melissa to fetch Brooke. While being intercut with scenes of Leslie still running her mouth to a suicidal-looking Jill-Cher, Kelly tells Christi and Holly how everything Leslie claims about her is totally untrue (Christi vouched for that on Twitter). Melissa relays the news of Kelly leaving to Leslie, while Kelly calmly drives off with her less-than-concerned kids in tow and without Christi or Holly protesting her decision. This is a complete contrast to the bumper from last week where it appears that she's flooring her car out of the parking lot, completely livid. And the footage of Leslie being restrained by the production team? WHERE WAS THAT?! I wanted to see her comeuppance!

Anyway, Leslie once again barges into the light booth (told ya that sign wouldn't work) to relay all of this to Abby. Abby confessionalizes that Kelly better remember about her kids' contracts and that they BETTER be at that concert tomorrow (because I totally forgot all of this was at a rehearsal). In one of the strangest cuts this show ever has shown, the following scene is of Kelly treating the moms out for a night on the town because, for some unknown reason, Leslie won't be in the same dressing room any more. BUT WHY?! HUH?! This makes no sense! Did something happen off camera that we didn't know about? WHERE IS THAT FOOTAGE!!! Since the rest of us are screaming, let's turn to the portion of the episode known as DANCE MOMS GONE WILD! At the club, the moms drink, dance, engage with strippers (not Holly, of course), ending with Jill-Cher being the nasty one to take a dollar out of one of the male stripper's spanky pants. With her mouth. Oh, that'll be endearing.

It's the day of the concert, filled with Melissa's excitement and the return of the Hylands. Melissa says that she knows the kids would've been disappointed if the Hyland sisters didn't show up. Abby, naturally, ruins the moment by chastising Brooke for missing cues the other day. Abby vows to not let the "crazy mothers" ruin this day. Sure. As showtime nears, and contrary to Cathy wanting to count the empty seats, we're shown that the showcase is SOLD OUT! As the frenzy backstage occurs, Crazy Crapple Cathy and her team (seriously, I don't care if those girls claim to be "Eleven", they really look like high school seniors/bar hoppers) arrive. Cathy is just expecting it to be just one number after another. Well, duh, Captain Stupid, that's kind of the point of these things, unless it's a specific theme (like, say, 7 sins, or the elements, like my high school alma mater has done in the past. And were FANTASTIC). Abby says there's a bunch of her colleagues (and Cathy) in the audience so the pressure's on. Paige is going to be in the hip-not piece after all, so Abby expects her to hit it hard.

After some pieces, it's the moment of truth for the hip-hop piece, where Cathy's not expecting a grandmaster slam. And... ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh it is so so so baaaaad... Cathy says that Abby can't mask the JAZZ dancing as hip-hop, but I doubt the Crapples could do any better so she can stop right there. Christi's a bit more accurate by saying, "Pittsburgh, if you want to learn hip-hop, DON'T COME HERE." Well said dearie. After the number, Abby berates them but I think it's kind of pointless whenever she does that because it's not like they're going to be DOING it again anytime soon. And I pray to God they don't.

It's now time for "Trapped." Abby needs Chloe to convince everyone she's homeless (so she's dressed like a hipster). Chloe only has a little bit of time to get ready but she hopes she doesn't mess up. Kendall, however, is having a bit of a meltdown because she doesn't think she has enough time to get ready. Jill-Cher is pretty much harassing her, asking her what's wrong (as Kendall is ripping her hair out) to which Kendall responds with an apt, "I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!" Kendall's a badass, y'all.
The "Trapped" goes as Christi says it's a catch 22: Chloe has a great opportunity but, since Maddie performed it originally, she's going to be compared to her. Cathy the Clueless is wondering why there aren't any backdrops (it could be because backdrops are kind of tacky and there's no time to keep changing them), but Abby is proud of Chloe of applying a correction regarding a lift she does with Brooke. Christi thought she was fabulous and I thought so too, especially since she didn't look like a meerkat. Cathy has seen enough and she believes it comes nowhere near her own concerts. Yeah, I don't think Abby's concerts could be any worse than Cathy's ridiculousness.

Somehow, rumors on the internet are saying that the two teachers are close friends, but I'm skeptical of that claim, especially with how dense Cathy is portrayed.

The concert is over and Abby congratulates the team. Jill-Cher sucks up again by giving her a bouquet of roses but Christi is sick of the gift giving. Again. At curtain calls, it appears that the competition team each get individual bows (including Kendall) and, for some reason, Brooke and Maddie are wearing sashes. I was so confused at first but then, upon a closer look, they appear to say "DEA National Champion" so I guess it's just title flaunting. Surprising no one, Maddie gets a scholarship but the sweetest moment of all is Holly's reaction when Nia wins a scholarship for being the most improved dancer in the studio. GO NIA!!!

At the end of the show, Abby has a soiree outside of the venue to celebrate and everyone's having a ball. There's a highlight of some of the alumni from 1985 and Kelly barely recognizes them. Abby has them dish about Kelly by listing things like "Was Kelly late? Annoying? Loud?" to which they enthusiastically shout "YES!!!" Kelly then asks, "Was Kelly fun?!" The alumni respond with crickets and Kelly makes it awkward by (drunkenly?) shouting "WHOOO!!"

Hey, there's some new people who signed a lease! A woman named Kaya is here with her daughter, Nicaya, and they hail from St. Louis, wondering if they could perhaps joining the studio (They're going to travel THAT FAR?!). Abby is on a high right now... UNTIL SHE HEARS THE SCREECH. The uninvited Cathy is speaking with the St. Louis women, trying to get them to join HER studio and talking smack about Abby. Both mom and daughter are not amused and look like they want to deck her. Abby approaches Cathy and wonders where her broom is. Cathy attacks her for the lack of things in her show (like she should talk) and it turns out Jill-Cher was the one who invited her! She wanted her to see how Kendall's been faring since leaving the Crapples. Ugh, shut up Jill-Cher. Abby's deservedly worried that Cathy may have stolen some (all) of her ideas for pieces. So Cathy prepares to leave, with Abby saying, "Don't let the door hit ya!" Cathy retorts, "You can't even afford a door!" It's why she used it towards those scholarships your studio doesn't dish out. Supposedly. Besides, it looked a bit more lighthearted than what we saw on TV.

NEXT WEEK: Kaya and Nicaya are on the team! And Kaya is prepared to hold her own against the moms, particularly Kelly. We'll see how she'll fare.