Project Runway: Silly Shilling

Previously on Project Runway: Ven made an ass of himself by designing for a regular sized woman, Fabio rocked it and won, Elena lightened up a little, I sold my life away for fake eyelashes and have now gotten so far behind that they're down to the top 4. Whoopsy. Ah well, I know there's someone out there, other than my aunt, who might like my input on the challenge from eons ago. Probably someone in the Ukraine which, I've found out, has stumbled upon this blog, thanks to the statistics.

You know who else is from the Ukraine? Elena! So Привіт читачам!

On to the show!

As Mean Girl Gunnar lives up to his moniker and applies makeup (then again, like I should talk), Fabio loves how he and his roomies (Dmit-zzzzz is with them) were on top. Christopher laments that Nathan ('memba him? The boring guy who was 6'7" and designed for his mom? Me neither) is gone, but secretly hopes that Needlebutt Ven gets shit-canned so he can have the apartment all to himself next week. Haha bitch! The only time that's EVER happened (that I can remember) was Season 6's Christopher, when the competition was whittled down to him and the four women. Speaking of, the girls conspire to rid themselves of the chiffonies, which I probably have been misspelling this whole time, so thanks Lifetime (me? Thanking Lifetime? God, I've been away for too long). Sonjia points out the obvious how the male persuasion only design for what THEY think looks right on a woman. Whatever, blue haired lady.

Heidi must have gone through my La Cage costumes because her outfit is nothing but sequins. She recites her lines by asking if they're tired yet, and only Christopher answers no. Then Heidi breaks character and points out the bags underneath his eyes, causing everyone to laugh. So Christopher pushes his face back to rid himself of the baggage. Ha! Silly, silly boy. Anyway, Heidi ships them off to meet Tim at 5th Avenue to meet a special guest and get their challenge.

Today, the designers are at the Lord and Taylor Flagship store, a place where I would be extremely nervous to be in out of fear of ruining their clothes by breathing on them (other such stores: Armani Exchange, Banana Republic, etc.). Tim introduces the guest, Bonnie Brooks, the president of Lord and Taylor, who also appears to be wearing Melissa's winning "Working Girl" garment. She shows the designers the dresses behind them, which were made by 9 of the past contestants of Project Runway, representing the nine season thus far (we get it. Now give it a rest). They all look okay, but my eyes shot straight towards Chris March's pink gown (which I thought could've been Anya the Great's design. How laughably wrong was I) and Jay McCarroll's cute dress. The other designers who are less impressive are Mondo (surprisingly), Bert's (my aunt calls him "Big Gay Al") dress inspired by vomit, Gordana/Femme Melissa Etheridge, Seth Aaron, Uli (SQUEE!!), Korto, and Nick.

The challenge is to make either a cocktail dress or a gown that can go with the Project Runway collection to be manufactured and sold online and at the flagship. This causes the designers to orgasm over the opportunity, particularly Melissa, who seems to have forgotten that being on the season alone is history enough (but, hey, she's excited). The winning dress will also be showcased as the window display, and Christopher acts out a scene where he giddily points out his design is in the window. He may be starting to get on my nerves, but only by a teense. Ms. Brooks describes the client of L&T, who is sophisticated, chic, stylish, and has good taste. No shit, Sherlock. Mean Girl Gunnar thinks he understands the customer. What he forgets is that this is New York, not the Kentucky derby. Bonnie also stresses to keep the garments at market retail value, which is, oh, $200 to $300 dollars, which caused me to faint and vow to never shop here. And, since the garment is going to be manufactured, try to keep it simple. Tim tells them they have only a day for the challenge but there's no budget. Say wha? Nope, instead JS Collection, who works with L&T (I think?) and will produced the collection, will be providing all the fabric and notions for the challenge back at the workroom. Handy!

Dmit-zzzzz points out that they're basically designing for the nation (that's an unsettling thought) while Mean Girl Gunnar still thinks that this fits into his aesthetic. He plans to rip off base his design on Jay's dress. Christopher, however, notices that there's only two gowns in the collection (Chris and Bert) so he's going out of the box and plans to make a gown. He does show some self-awareness and calls himself a tool. Nice save. Dmit-zzzzz goes for sleek and simple (duh) but notes that it'll be difficult to do since there's no way to hide mistakes. Elena is immediately worried because this isn't how she designs. She's more about edges and being avant-hard. Dun dun dun! Melissa is trying to figure out how to be trendy but still be her, the fashiony goth girl, so she's aiming for asymmetry and Sonjia is still rattled from last week's bottom status. Christopher thinks he might have the one-up in this challenge so let's see what he can do.

Since there's no Mood visit, all the fabric and things they need is in the lounge. While Alicia gathers some black silk, Christopher asks Fabio's opinion regarding his design. You see, Christopher plans to use that feathered texture that he made but he thinks it's getting old. Personally, the texture may be tired but it looks great. You know who else used similar textures/layering techniques that WORKED?

Leanne "Petals" Marshall

Melissa's plan is to avoid using the same fabrics as the other designers, which is causing her some issues. The designers have until 11 to make the garment and Elena is freaking out because, in her words, she "doesn't know what to fucking make." She also admits that this isn't her challenge. Poor girl.

Today, it's Mean Girl Gunnar's job to recap the challenge. The 9 garments are also displayed in the workroom on an HP computer, because Hewlett Packard has to make some coin. MGG finds this challenge as a great way to launch themselves, especially through Project Runway. What to be a mooch. As Elena asks about the proper length of a cocktail dress, MGG believes he'll be able to tie in the loose ends of the collection so far, so he plans to blend Bert's and Jay's dresses. Christopher reiterates his desire to make a gown, Sonjia reiterates how bad it felt to be in the bottom 3, so let's focus on something marginally fresh, which is Alicia, planning to go for a Chanel inspired design. Being a butch lesbo, she doesn't care if the judges don't like. Nice attitude for the challenge. Melissa notes how great it would be to win the challenge. Then she could be a part of history! Um, sweetheart, isn't being a contestant on this show enough?

Needlebutt Ven, always thinking about the customer, plans to use the same freaking flower detail on his dress. While it was great at first, he's been using the damn thing for virtually every challenge. And you know who also used flower details constantly and SUCKED?

Angela Keslar of the Goddamn Rosettes

Ugh. Dmit-zzzzz is aiming for sharp and sleek (original!) while Elena jokes that this is right of MGG's alley but she's praying that she'll stay on until tomorrow. She notes that everyone's been making all "this flowy shit" so Elena dines with MGG over her aesthetic and her difficulty to tone herself down. Elena says that she has to find the balance between "couture" and "wearable." Good luck with that. She also finds it weird that the guys are pretty much at ease with the workload this time and how they're handling this WAY better than the, uh, not-guys. Melissa just wanted a hardware challenge so Christopher jokes around and creating a mock Victoria's Secret commercial based on Melissa desire for the hardware challenge. We haven't heard any snarky bitching in a while so let's look at Spunky Sonjia. She whines that the guys tend to make WEARABLE girly clothes while the girls tend to make UNWEARABLE edgy clothes. So the guys are more feminine than the girls. Can you blame them? I mean, Fabio wore a frickin' dress last challege and WON. Needlebutt continues the battle of the sexes conflict of the episode by announcing that men tend to be better designers than women. Personally, I don't think gender has nothing to do with design but then again, I'm not a fashion designer.

MGG and Christopher chat about Christopher's shredding technique, who explains how he does it in his confessional. Crafty! He hopes he won't be seen as a one-note desiger, but Alicia doesn't think it'll last for very long. Time will tell. Thankfully, Uncle Tim has arrived to critique everyone. MGG proudly shows him the black disco ball dress he has created so far. Dmit-zzzzz hasn't said anything in a while, so he tells us that MGG isn't up to snuff technically as the others. Well, duh. Alicia describes her Chanel based dress, but Christopher doesn't like how the pleats are situated at the snatch and butt. Tim calls it "Joan of Arc" and clueless Alicia takes it in stride, saying it's WAY better than it being a princess dress. Poor Sonjia is stressing out even more and Tim worries that she'll work herself into a psychotic meltdown. Hey, those are fun to have! Kidding. THEY SUCK. Especially when no one helps when they try to help. Fabio shows off the zipper (that MGG doesn't like) he has but expresses his concern over meeting the retail price. As for Elena, she's TRYING her damndest to make it Lord and Taylor material but it's not going so well. Tim says that he would be worried if he were Bonnie Brooks, and Elena has a breakdown because this isn't how she designs, and how she's avant-garde and all that shit. Tim advises her to think on it, but Elena loses it because she has no idea why she keeps landing in the bottom.

To keep her from murdering anyone, MGG takes Elena out into the hallway to calm her down through jokes. She's all, "This is frustrating!" and he's all, "Camera whoring! I want you to do well!" He quips about showing the judges she has a heart and she laughs, which is something she appreciates him doing. Back in the workroom, Needlebutt works on his gaping black hole of a rose on his garment and while Dmit-zzzzz says he's his biggest competition, Sonjia is rolling her eyes. She says it best: "It's not sweeping the nation anymore!" Christopher calls it a teenage girl holiday garment. Huh. I never thought of it that way but it's so true. Not much time is spent on Dmit-zzzzz so Mean Girl Gunnar decides to be the one to call the design "classy." Tim meets with his bestie, Christopher, and hears about his aim to be the third gown of the line. Christopher also wants to go soft and hard on this gown too. Tim thinks a woman would look fabulous in it, but Christopher tells him he's having doubts about it being manufactured with the shredding technique he's using AND for using the technique for the millionth time. Elena wonders if he can do anything else, while Christopher once again points out that it's a huge risk doing a gown and using his technique and planting a garden and finding a chocolate boyfriend...

Tim visits problem child Melissa next, who is stressed beyond human belief because of the difficult fabric. Tim warns her about the time and Melissa expresses her worry that there's really only black/dark colors to work with and all the ones that are colors, to Tim's surprise, are silky. When Tim leaves, Melissa is scouting fabric but I get worried because THEY HAVE FOOD NEXT TO THE FABRICS. Melissa says that Tim likes the silhouette but she thinks the fabrics suck. Sonjia reassures her that she likes the fabric Melissa's using but Melissa plans to wait until the model fittings to make a decision. Hmm. Speaking of, the models are here to try on the clothes. Melissa's model loves the fabric and the garment so Melissa is less at sea. MGG orgasms about his piece of fug and Fabio's girl is starting to look Holly Golightly. Christopher's girl loves the gown and Alicia is thrilled her model digs her sack. Fabio thinks Dmit-zzzzz's dress looks effortless, Christopher calls Sonjia's dress "80's", and Melissa hates the fit of her dress so she's going to make a new one. Which just spells trouble since there's really only about, oh, 5 milliseconds left. Elena notes how screwed over the girls are and Melissa, as always, feels there isn't enough time. MGG can see she's in trouble and compares her to a car crash while Fabio wants someone to give her a hug. And, with that, the day ends.

After some girl whining about everything making up this episode (lack of time, difficulty, blah blah blah), it's runway day. Fabio's wearing his wreath again, the girls do nothing but sigh, and Melissa is going insane. Tim enters, comments on how quiet the room is, and yammers about the importance of accessories. Asshat Needlebutt thinks his top is better than Christopher's, who thinks Elena's harness is kind of dumb. The girls are going koo-koo, with the exception of Alicia. Fabio notes that it's weird seeing the girls go apeshit while the guys are cool are cucumbers in their bumholes. Sorry for scarring your minds but it was too easy to pass up.

Hair and makeup fly by and it's the ten minute countdown. Sonjia breaks down when she can't get her dress on her model so Elena tries her damndest to get her to chill out as she pulls it on her. After yet another reminder of her bottom scare, Sonjia is the last one to leave and poor Tim comforts her by telling her to fake it while she makes it. What a good man, he is.

Today, Heidi is wearing a pink bedazzled pageant dress.

Mine's longer.

After re-introducing Bonnie Brooks, let the disaster begin!

Fabio's LBD is simple but still nice and I'm glad he ditched the sunglasses, but the long back zipper is a little... weird. Melissa's dress is very avant-garde and I love how she styled Lacey's (her model) hair. Tres chic. Mean Girl Gunnar's dress is a tragic black disco ball and it just looks... odd. Even Nina is shielding her eyes from the garment. Elena's dress is a bit sloppy but it does look nice. I could do without the harness pushing her model's boobs apart. I only wrote one word for Christopher: GORGE. Alicia's sack looks plain but it's not too bad. And Sonjia, for all her mood swings, did a great job on her dress, but it could do without the skirty-thing. Needlebutt's black hole dress does nothing in her favor. And I like Dmit-zzzzz's dress, even if it's the same one he's been making since year one.

Needlebutt, Dmit-zzzzz, and Sonjia are all safe. Sonjia deservedly collapses into the couch while Dmit-zzzzz obliviously ponders why he's just safe. Back on the catwalk, Heidi announces that, surprise, there are FOUR high scores!

THE GOOD:
Fabio: Heidi likes how it's versatile and adores the detail on the bottom. Kors points out that asymmetry is pretty hard to pull off but he did it. However, he doesn't like the zipper. Bonnie would wear it and says that it fits in with Lord and Taylor. Nina loves how the dress can work anywhere and at anytime.

Christopher (duh): He says that he wanted to step out of the box by using the texture. Heidi thinks it's a beautiful gown and loves how the light color works with his model's skin tone. Kors likes that it looks like separates but hints that he doesn't want to see the texture anymore (which Heidi and Christopher joke about). Bonnie thought it was a good marriage. Nina thinks it's elegant and sophisticated but it might not work with certain bodies.

Melissa: Phew! Kors likes the bronze fabric and that the neckline is surprising, especially since it doesn't LOOK strapless from up front. But her asymmetry, unlike Fabio, is a little ridiculous and he wants to hang a little bell off the tip of her hem. Heidi thinks it's a stunning dress and Nina loves the fabric but has to ask how on Earth does the top stay up. Melissa explains that the fabric is brocade so it's stiff enough to hold up on its own. Bonnie thought her neckline idea was ingenious.

Elena: Shocked, she starts crying tears of joy. Heidi's confused so she asks why the tears. Elena says that she's never been in the top and that this challenge was tough because she doesn't really design for a market. Heidi confirms that the dress is sellable and likes that it's hard and soft. Nina loves the back and how the front contrasts it and it's not as apparent. Bonnie thinks it's fun but it might be for a different type of customer. Kors is happy she managed to find a balance in the dress.

THE BAD:
Mean Girl Gunnar: He's dressed like a horse jockey. Probably to match his client. He's a bit taken aback by being one of the lower scores (oh get real, would ya?). Nina calls it expected and she's seen this from him before. Kors thinks L&T carries this already. Heidi throws him a compliment and says the construction looks fine. Bonnie says that the lace detail is unforgiving and it lacks fluidity. I dance for joy.

Alicia: Who? Oh, yeah. Her. Heidi likes the dress but finds it hard to believe that Alicia doesn't like to make feminine dresses. Just what show did she THINK she was going on? She finds it odd that the designers are so defeatist.  Bonnie thinks it's lost between office and cocktail. Nina can see she aimed for different but it came off as dowdy. Kors calls the dress similar to a field hockey uniform.

Not much happens after that beyond MGG bitching about being in the bottom and bypassing how much he sucks and how Heidi calls herself a pink disco ball (so it IS the stylist's fault!). MGG claims that Heidi wanted to wear it but I certainly don't remember her saying THAT.

Winner: Christopher! So he skips into the lounge because he's rainbows, cupcakes, and Zoloft.

Bottom 2: Alicia and Mean Girl Gunnar.

Eliminated: ... no one!

That's right! Heidi tells MGG (who gets the fake auf'd) that all the designers were up to par on the challenge and especially since Old Broad Andrea and Krazy Kooan bounced, needing to extend the season she decided spare everyone. And MGG ruins it by trying to be witty. Again. He says he's shocked. I wished he was speechless.

Next time: Arts and crafts leads to the designers legitimately BEGGING the citizens of NY for money for fabric. Lots of drama unfolds, as per usual. Oh, and it's Teams of 3. Great!