Because I'm a loser who's going to die alone, I still watch Tyra sexually harass/torture/see a new batch of freakishly tall, beautiful womyn compete for an ad in Dillards... I mean, for AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. But, with the 17th cycle coming up, she'll get to do it all over again with the rejects!... I mean, "memorable" contestants from the past.
The girls competing once again (in cycle order)...
Shannon (Cycle 1, runner up)= Leatherface.
At 27, she's STILL eligible to compete for the spot her competition, Adrianne "Mumble Mouth", snatched from her (We still love you too!). But, has she taken that judge's advice and stayed out of the sun? Hmm. At least she knows what "masturbate" means now.
Camille (Cycle 2, 5th place)= Ms. Wawwlk.
At 33, she's way too old to compete (or even work as a model anymore, but who am I to judge). Remember her cringe-worthy "signature walk" she decided to demonstrate for Italian designers (well, a designer and an actor)? She's still not the greatest with words, with her lingere-loungewear line called "Lingerwear"... no, it's not supposed to be pronounced like "Linger wear."
Brittany (Cycle 4, 4th place [tee hee])= Janice 2.0
The second aged out contestant (barely). We all loved the outrageous judge's (Janice Dickinson, how we miss you. Sorta) doppelganger, even if she got a weeeee bit tipsy from time to time. Also, didja notice there's no one from Cycle 3? Weird.
Bre (Cycle 5, 3rd place)= Old Soul
Eh, the "Granola Bar/Red Bull-gate" thing wasn't really that interesting to saddle her as "Granola Girl". Or "Dove Soap" (for her lack of bathing). It's more or less that, whenever there was a crisis going on, she inexplicably happened to be the one girl everyone spoke to, always at the ready with a witty remark, sage like wisdom, and a roll of toilet paper.
Lisa (Cycle 5, 6th place)= Drunk Lisa
The third aged out contestant. We all remember Lisa and her love of booze (well, wine), even if she would get intoxicated to the point she would have deep heartfelt convos with "Cousin It" (a bush in the backyard). Oh yeah, she also landed on Dr. Drew's rehab show-thingy so, well, I guess doing this would be a little tasteless.
Bianca (Cycle 9, 4th place)= Bitchyanka
Whoa, we skipped over four cycles (guess those girls weren't really memorable... perhaps they're just really intelligent). Anyhoo, this came from a webcast that recapped this cycle's episodes (called "We're Going Nowhere"). At least, this is what my sister told me. Has she changed her ways since? Let's ask Nikki Blonsky.
Dominique (Cycle 10, 4th place)= Man-face
What's with the 4th place girls? Are they jealous that got snubbed just before the Covergirl commercials? Anyhow, her constant criticisms was that she either looked like a "Soccer Mom" (so not true) or a drag queen (totally true. And extremely hysterical).
Sheena (Cycle 11, 6th place)= Hoochie-mama
Her main criticism from that cycle. Hell, she'll even tell you that. I even expected her to shout "Holy shit you guys, it's REAL FOOD!!!" when Tyra brought pizza over and discussed makeovers. I saw her in an ad for Trojan Condoms, so not much as changed.
Isis (Cycle 11, 10th place)= Tyra's Emmy
The lowest ranking girl in this bunch wasn't even born a girl at all. I feel bad for those eliminated girls before her. There has to be footage of Tyra (who paid for Isis' surgery) saying "You made it so far!" with a girl retorting, "Tyra... a MAN was picked over me."
Allison (Cycle 12, runner up)= Pullip
An almost life sized version of the creepy dolls, the strangest looking (well, strangest period) girl ever in this series does look pretty high end... if she only knew how to change up her face. Maybe she's thinking about blood a bit too much.
Laura (Cycle 13, runner up)= Ms. Laura
The shortest girl here (remember, 13 was the midget cycle) is probably the most sweetest ever in existence. She has an ever adorable Southern accent! She has a grandma named Wanda Sue who makes her clothes! She even if she knows how to castrate a bull! Hey, maybe now she'll be able to wear heels at panel! (Fingers crossed)
Angelea (Cycle 14, 3rd/4th place)= BB Gun
And by "BB", I mean "Bold" and "Bitchy". Why did she come back? No one really could stand her and she picked a fight with almost everyone. With her, Camille and Bianca in the house, there's bound to be a bunch of fights. I hope this house is red.
Kayla (Cycle 15, 3rd/4th place)= Kayla Free
The baby of the bunch! Kayla served as her cycle's big inspiration for the GLBT community (remember the first photo shoot? Still breaks my heart). Now with the juggernaut that is Ann Ward out of the way, she could have a chance of winning this time around.
Alexandria (Cycle 16, 4th place)= Duck Lips.
The woman who started it all... the nickname thing that is. In her cycle, I called the remaining six Trailer Park (Brittani), Sailor (Molly), Hippie (Hannah), Kesha (Kasia), and Ms. Jaclyn, my BFF (Jaclyn). Why Duck Lips? I'm pretty sure that's what she was doing in all her shots. But I still find it hard to believe we're practically the same age.
With more girls that will probably make heads spin (literally), I wonder who'll crack first and who might take the title of AMERICA'S. NEXT. TOP. MAH. DELL. And what freaky fashion sense Ty-Ty will don this cycle.
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