Too bad. So sad.
Let the games begins! We open to Tyra sleeping in bed and having "dreams" of Top Model "favorites" taunting her to come back. Of course, this is Tyra so this mean she simply dons wigs from Party City and attempt to impersonate them. THEN those vision girls pop into her bed (her worst nightmare I assume. Hell, I'd be slightly terrified if tall girls around my height and weight [how come I'm not a model? Oh right, I'm a MAN] surrounded my bed begging for more airtime) until she agrees "FINE! I'll do it! Just so I can get some sleep again!" Or something. Maybe this is why she's so crazy.
Anyhow, we move the action to the house in L.A.. BB Gun (Angelea) enters first and, surprise surprise, she's still ghetto (Roots. ROOTS.) Did anyone notice BB Gun hold TWO champagne glasses? Bitchyanka (Bianca) has hair again! Drunk Lisa is still a wild child. She rattles off about her music career. What she fails to mention is that she was on Dr. Drew's rehab show for her alcoholism. But why care about that? Could be that THEY'RE SERVING HER CHAMPAGNE. Man-Face (Dominique) looks draggier than ever. But she had a kid just two months prior and everyone is astounded at how great she looks. Not to pry (not true), but this show has had mothers on in the past with slamming bods so I don't see why she should be treated any different. Okay, maybe I'm still a little miffed about her. Old Soul (Bre) attempts to surprise Bitchyanka, who became good friends with her, but I was more miffed that she cut off her beautiful hair into that odd looking afro. Please fix this. Anyway, Bitchyanka wasn't pleased. Aw waah, shut up.
Tyra's Emmy (Isis) is a total woman now and is confident-er (if there was a word for such a thing). Hoochie-Mama (Sheena) has been busy but is excited that her buddy from her cycle is competing with her. Pullip (Allison) reveals she's been working on the art side, so I'm guessing she'll be sticking around long enough for that odd and bizarre "Make your own theme song" challenge Tyra showed us in the preview. Hey, Tyra, bad, BAD idea. Remember this monstrosity? Janice 2.0 (Brittany) reveals she too has dove into music (I think) but her Elvira hair wasn't doing her any favors. And Ms. Laura (Laura) is as adorable as ever!
Kayla Free enters soon, but no one knows who the heck she is. She suspects that it's because she's now a brilliant brunette instead of that odd redhead bowl-cut hairdo which wasn't really that bad. I suspect it's because she landed 4th in the ANN cycle. Or that the others are jealous of her youth and are plotting to take it from her via the Three Witches from Macbeth. Meh, we'll have to see. Leatherface (Shannon) enters and she eerily looks like Sheryl Crow. The final girl to join this crew is Duck Lips (Alexandria), who we really can't say much about since her cycle was the most recent. Yes, she won a car. Duck Lips wants to prove everyone wrong about how she was perceived in her cycle, but I still can't forget that the one girl (Trailer Park Brittani) who managed to call her out not only beat her but she took the crown.
Mr. Jay enters and, aww, it's a reunion! But there's no time to reminicse 'cause it's also photo shoot time. The challenge? Embrace your past Cycle-self. Whomp whomp. Nothing too interesting happened, particularly because they used these photos in some of the promos for this cycle, so it was predictable what they were gonna look like. Though when Kayla Free said "I know which one's mine... the big gay flag!" I was expecting her to say "The big gay dyke-y one." Just sayin'.
Most of the girls manage to do okay, from "Ooh! That's great!" to "Meh". Bitchyanka gets upset because of the insane red extensions she has in her hair but she still manages to rock it. Pullip gets nervous because, lately, she's been working behind the camera and not the other way around, but didn't she look cute? Tyra's Emmy shows off her new bod, feeling comfortable for once that she doesn't need to wrap her junk in tape to fit into a bikini, especially since IT'S GONE, but her body looks a little odd (I'll get there later).
Trouble hits when Leatherface has an issue with her wardrobe for "Angelic". She claims that the lace BOTTOMS look like undawears and she's still the clueless conservative gal who wouldn't pose buck nekkid. Leatherface also says she's comfortable just posing in her bikini bottoms... which, to everyone in the free world, look juuuuuust like skimpy panties. Leatherface also tells us that she doesn't pose in lingerie because if all the world sees that, what makes it so special for her husband? Hint hint: That excuse has been used before, Whiney, and that girl was the first one sent packing in her cycle. Mr. Jay tries to convince her but, probably because they're running short on time, he lets her pose in the bikini bottoms. Leatherface needs to man up, especially since she's 27 and not the 18 year old bible thumper we first saw her as.
The shoot ends and the girls are told that the first judging shall be LIVE in front of lots and lots of fans. EEP, goes Little Miss Pullip, who still ain't confident in her walk. OFF TO JUDGING!
Tyra enters (still not learning that pants are not her friend) and lists of the prizes, now including a campaign with Express and a guest correspondent for Extra. You know, so people REALLY know them beyond from marrying Brady Kids (Adrianne). Or working at MTV looking beautiful as ever (Kim, we love you). Our special guest judge? NICKI MINAJ, who, like Tyra, is pants deficient. Sure, it's her style and everything and I love her to death (let's be friends?) but those things were doing her no favors. Nigel is introduced, and he has hair! Spooky! And Andre Leon Talley comes out, looking like some grandpa. Ick... I mean "Dreckitude."
I don't remember who came out when (and there aren't any clips on youtube. DAMN!) So I'll list 'em off...
-Drunk Lisa is wearing some really, really messed up Raver's outfit. Her toe-touch photo looks okay but Miss Nicki doesn't like that her shoulders are hunched over. Anyhow, Drunk Lisa is dismissed and does a split, leaving an impression for the judges. Note that I didn't say it was a good impression.
-Pullip wanders out in some fashiony Little Bo Peep/Esther from Orphan outfit which everyone thought was adorable (self included). Her pic gets rave reviews.
-BB Gun has learned nothing from her cycle and wears a cocktail dress. Her photo was the epitome of what she was given (Ghetto Fabulous).
-For some reason, I can't really remember Ms. Wawwlk that much but her walk was as draglicious as ever. But her photo was GORGEOUS.
-Man-Face's pregnancy was brought up for the trillionth time. Her photo was sa'right.
-Hoochie-Mama came out last (I think) and she wore this extremely fabulous/bizarre jumpsuit she described as "vintage". The term "jumpsuit" is vintage. Her photo was "meh" at best.
-Ms. Laura! How do you do? And what a gorgeous dress! Haus of Wanda Sue strikes again! It's truly wonderful but, bless her heart, she has made some pretty ugly things in the past. Anyhow, her photo is tens across the board, though the editing looks really, really weird.
-Tyra's Emmy enters and the crowd ROARS. She looks pretty good, but I can't help but notice that her boobs look really, really weird. It's probably because, while legally a woman, she still has a man's physique everywhere else. Her photo is loved by all.
-Janice 2.0 enters and screams "IT'S BRITTANY BITCH!!!!" By the look of ALT's face, it ain't good. Her photo's okay at best, but Nicki doesn't really like it.
-Old Soul's hairdo is not a good look on her, says Nicki. And her photo isn't as great. Uh-ohs.
-Bitchyanka I can barely remember what happened with her but Nigel liked her pic.
-Kayla Free struts her stuff looking pretty damn gorgeous but her "Super-Gay!" (a reference to "Super Bass" since Nicki's on panel?) pic doesn't quite sit well with Nicki.
-Leatherface is knocked on about her bottoms. Bless her heart, she's still dumb as a box of hammers. Another meh photo.
-The only interesting thing that happened was when Duck Lips enters the scene. She gets booed! BURN!!!! She's shown crying in her confessional just wanting to have her moment and whining that the judges didn't hear what she heard. It doesn't get any better since the judges are iffy on her photo. Please go home. Oh please, oh please go home.
Now, I was wondering how on earth were they going to do eliminations with a crowd and loud, loud microphones but they announce that eliminations will be private. Spares me a headache.
AND THEN IT CAME. Tyra's Emmy scores the first first call-out! You go, legal-girl! The rest are whittled down one by one until we come to Duck Lips and Janice 2.0. While Duck Lips wasn't well liked, Janice 2.0 wasn't remembered at all. And that's practically the kiss of death since Duck Lips continues through thanks to her "polarity" (translation: You make for good TV, especially since we love to hate you). So long, Janice 2.0, we'll never get to see what party girl antics you might have gotten into. Guess we can't have TWO drunks in the house.
And that's all I can remember. Next week: MAKEOVERS! I hope (thought, in a confessional, BB Gun was shown with darker hair. Spoiler?) This cycle: Lots a stuff happens, including a hospital run and Kayla Free having what I believe looks like an asthma attack. Uh oh.
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