My time with Ariel's Hair

For the first time, I was commissioned to work on a wig for a production AND get paid for it!

My friend, Sam, was reprising her ultimate dream role as Ariel in a production of The Little Mermaid (this was Children's Theatre, so this meant, even though there were adults, they used the Junior version of the script and, as per company standards, the show couldn't be longer than an hour unless there were certain, um, reasons) but this also meant she had to work with the horrible wig she got last time (again, as per company standards, wigs, when not in use, must apparently be thrown on the floor and forgotten about until it is called for again months/years/decades later). Since I've been teaching my self how to work on wigs and hairpieces, Sam asked me to fix it up for her. How could I ever refuse?!

The day I received it, it was the day before their final dress rehearsal, which meant I only had about 5 hours that night to work on it. This is what I got:

Oh sweet Jesus...

She lived under the sea.

Okay, so I had my work cut out for me. I already made it known to her that it's not going to look AS pretty as she wanted it but I'd do my best that night.

THE INITIAL PROCEDURE:
I was going to wet the hair, brush it out with a comb, curl it with magnetic curlers, let her dry, and sleep peacefully.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:

Well, I got the wet part down with my trusty spray bottle (from the glorious place that is The Dollar Tree) and then things went crazy from there. I started off at first brushing the hair with my wide tooth comb, thinking that would save the wig and make it easier to get through the knots. After fifteen minutes working on just one curl, I realized that A) Magnetic curlers are misleading. B) There is no way to use them in the way I want to without denting the hair with bobby pins or getting them to stay put by literally pinning it into the wig head (the holes in the curler were too big and the hair made it heavy to hold) and C) This was going to take longer than I thought.
Somehow, I got into an insane rhythm of switching between three brushes/dinglehoppers just to get the knots out: My wide tooth for the initial pass, my wig brush to get spots that I missed, and my sister's old brush for when I considered setting the whole thing on fire.
I ended up ditching the curlers because I was exhausted by the time I finished weeding out the jungle.

And preparing to recycle the remains for an "Annie" wig.

By the time I finished brushing, it had dried so I had to drench it once more in order to use my newest friend: Silky-and-Yaki human and synthetic hair conditioner by NextImage. This stuff is BOSS. Not only does it smell way better than the DeMert conditioner I used in the past, but it does what promises and gets the wig silky smooth and very pretty without the buildup. And it only cost $5 on Amazon (I have yet to see it in a shop but I'm searching). This, however, meant making another pass with the brushes but, thankfully, this took less time since the conditioner made my life much easier.

And here was the result...

Three fucking hours later.

The next day, I had a show so that meant bringing her along with me to the studio (I was hitching a ride with my dad, to save on bus fare) in order to return it to Sam.

Which also gave me a fantastic opportunity to cosplay Rachel Tice.

I handed it back to her, delirious and sleepy, which she was exceedingly grateful. This meant I didn't get to see it for a week, thank God. And so begins my time with Ariel's hair.

WEEK TWO

The following week, Ariel returned to my trusted hands but, this time, I figured that she could be my first victim to use my DeMert Wig Shampoo I had bought recently ($3.99 at a hair care shop nearby Jamaica station). She was smelling kind of musky anyhow, so I thought, hey, why not?
Here is what I learned with my first wig shampoo experience: Unlike the cheap-o method I've been using before (diluted shampoo in a spray bottle), this does work a lot better since I know I'm not potentially destroying the wig. However, this also means the wig gets tangled in the process which meant RE-BRUSHING EVERYTHING. Thankfully, the fresh scent made up for my near-hyperventilation. Another round of conditioner and I figured I should find a way to push back the bangs since bobby pins can do so much. For this week, I pulled two sections of hair and tied them with plastic bands (which kept breaking. I think I lost six alone on one section) to hidden parts of the wig. The result:

Eh, better than looking like Sasquatch.

Part of your wooooooooooooooooorld...

 It did the job (sort of) but not in the way I hoped it would. Ah well. Less pins scraping the scalp, thankfully.

WEEK THREE

My dad, who plays Scuttle in this production, hands me the wig, saying, "Sam loves what you've been doing with her hair. However, since it's her birthday, she told me to tell you to make it as pretty as you made it before."
Before I could blush, I was thinking of ways to make it look extra special for her birthday that she clearly did not remind us about every day since the second August started (note the sarcasm). But I was serious about the "extra special" part: It's not every day you celebrate your big day (or, in her word, "the anniversary of [her] 21st", which was spent in a hangover and her passed out on her costumes. You had to be there) as a princess.
I took out the bands because they didn't work well and made many, many, MANY attempts to french braid the wig into a half up, half down style. I gave up after the 67th try but I was determined to make it look special. That's when I remembered how I saw a video to do Belle's hair from Beauty and the Beast by the off-chance I had to be an "emergency swing" for that part (with this company you never know: I once had to swing in as Isa the Iguana for a production of Dora the Explorer Live! Pirate Party Adventure for a sold out house of 2,000 or so people.)

I'm just happy no moms attacked me.

And so, I used that technique instead to not only eliminate bobby pins (can you guess that I don't like bobby pins all that much?) but to make it a bit more princess-y.

Little town, it's an aquatic village.

I was a little proud of it. :3 I guess it worked because it came back the way I left it the following week. Yay!

WEEK FOUR

I have no idea how long this show is running for but I liked about what I did with Ariel the last week (since I didn't hear any complaints about it) so I figured, eh, I'll keep the the same. I did remember about the underbrush of the wig that I had been neglecting for some time now (because I am, by nature, a lazy human being). So, I figured I could take care of it this week as I was battling a depression episode, as a distraction. Another shampoo wash and I tackled the underside...

Almost as bad as the first time.

It kind of looks like she's wearing one of those sorta-knit berets.

Another twisty-fancy half up style and I was done for the week.

Turns out, that was the last weekend so I was free!! But I'll miss working on Ariel the ungrateful tart with raging hormones. At least I have Millie to look forward to!

Or wait for another production of Annie.

An Open Letter to my BC Theatre Family

To my family,

Today, we, like myself, either graduated from Brooklyn College or, like others, are celebrating the end of a semester. As I sat in the audience coming up with sarcastic remarks listening to the speeches, I began to reflect on these past few years and here is what I came up with.

I arrived to this institution with nothing more than an associate's degree and the knowledge that it's either stay in school or find a job in order to keep my health insurance. My mother was going in and out of the hospital for an ankle injury and, later, cancer, so my mind was elsewhere. Nobody prepared me for anything here so I went in undeclared (dumb move) and figured that I could switch to another, more convenient major by taking random courses and seeing what I liked best.

Then, on August 31st, two days into my first semester, my mother passed away. I was a wreck. I stopped eating. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring, period. I tried my damnedest to push back the pain by diving into my studies. But it wasn't enough. I wanted it all to end. I wanted to give up. I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to stop.

Two semesters in and, after finding help in the counseling center, I realized I was doing more harm to myself than good. And so, I returned to a familiar world: Theatre.

Ever since I made the decision to return to majoring in theatre, I've become more knowledgeable in the field in all aspects of it: History, technical, acting. I soaked in every second of it because I knew that I would never get this chance again (at least, not for a while). This was especially beneficial because I was beginning to see just how unorganized and unprofessional the theatre company I'm with now was... and still is.

But what's most important is the connections I've made with everyone involved in the department: The BAs, the BFAs, the MFAs, the professors (some of whom believed I was a BFA actor), staff members, the whole nine yards. All of you are much more than friends to me. You are my family. You are the people I want and love to be around, where we can joke about the most random things ("You have GOT to be kidding me!"), share personal stories, and just be close with one another. It is a feeling that I so very rarely experience in my career, and it made me remember that it is true: We have no time for enemies in this business. It's why the next time I see someone who acts like a diva, I'm going to tell them to write everything they know on the back of their hand, to see if they really do know everything like the back of their hand.

I am going to cherish the friendships and connection I've made with everyone. You have changed my life for the better.

You all have saved my life.

I wish everyone lots of luck, love, and lollipops in their future endeavors and be prepared for the koala hug I will give you the next time we meet.

Thank you all for everything.

I love you all,

Chris Weiss
(That guy who was always on the floor in the hallway)

Chris reads: Reviews from Dora the Explorer Live! At St. George Theatre

So last weekend (and year), I performed in Dora the Explorer LIVE! at the St. George Theatre, Staten Island. In 2013, I was Isa (last minute) and this time, I was Swiper. I stumbled upon the reviews via Ticket master and, well, some people had their opinions. And I'll offer my rebuttal. But I will skip a few, since they all were about the same and/or out of my hands, like the costumes and sound system.

From 2013:

"This show is awful. The characters are played by people wearing nasty run down costumes. My daughter was horrified. Boots costume was half on an u could see his face. Why wouldnt they have the costumes where the person was inside and your not able to see the face. I would like my money back if i could get it. Horribly disappointed in this and the portrail of thr show. I was under the impression that the characters would look like the show."

Well, yes, of course the characters are played by people wearing costumes (although I do agree with the nasty ass costumes. Made by a women who teaches at Five Towns college.). And yes, of course you're going to see Boots' face, especially since they did that for the actual professional version some years ago. And we would love to have the costumes where the actor was inside and the face was masked, but that requires money, which we don't have.
Oh, and since you have so graciously provided reviewer photos, that points out that you violated the whole, "No Photographs are to be taken during the show" thing, which is pretty much illegal.

"It started 20 min late, Dora didn’t speak Spanish, the only character that looked similar to himself was” Swiper”, The actors seemed to be all teenagers, Diego’s microphone was off the whole time, No one can hold a note on their own, The only paraphernalia sold in the theater was a flashlight that had a soccer ball on it, nothing with Dora on it, they guys outside of the theater were selling better stuff, The actors were moving the set themselves, ( in the open- not behind curtains, I could go on and on, But I’m pretty sure I made my point,,,,,,PARENTS!! Stay away from this one."

I am to assume that the phrases "Abre", "Todos estan invitados", "Hola amigos", and such are German? But thanks for thinking I was a teenager when I was really 23. In a lizard suit. And I'm pretty sure I was able to hold those notes in Isa Turn the Wheel pretty well, considering I'm a dude. And you must have some warped perceptions of theatre if you think the curtains can close and open in 15 seconds for a set change done by the actors, which also occurs professionally. Parents, see more theatre.

"The show was about 45 min. Dora wasn't look like her."

Did you ever notice the special episodes of Dora on television are about the same length of time? And please proof read.

 From 2014, as Swiper:

"Do not go to Dora live or this venue on Staten Island. The show was worse than a high school production, and the theatre was falling apart. Total waste of time and money."

The theatre is falling apart? Like how? A crack in the ceiling? Because that's one pretty gorgeous theatre.

"Dora character was not even dressed in her costume. Boots looked cheap.
The whole event was not worth it at all. Wish I can get my money back !!"

I seem to remember Dora was in a costume and not running around naked.

"The characters of the show should have worn the actual costumes instead of being real people so maybe the kids can be more into the show."

You are aware that acting and live theatre involves real people wearing costumes (regardless of how crappy they are), right?

"It was the worse show I have ever seen - we couldn't hear a thing."

It could possibly be the screaming children but that could just be me.

"Dora could have been in a real DORA costume for such a short time..."

Define a real DORA costume. 


So yeah. The gist of it was the shoddy costumes, time, and restlessness of the children. But what did you expect for $15 and a touring company from Long Island? I certainly did MY best and I apologize for not meeting your expectations.

When I Had Enough of the Company

Because I'm an overachiever, I tend to get emails from the higher ups of a particular theatre company that I lovingly complain about constantly to friends. The same company that I refer to productions as "chicken-shit gigs", where my dad tends to shut me down over not-so-subtle jealously, and the one that I'm, to put it bluntly, sick and tired of.

So it takes great amounts of willpower to not send a profanity laced email to these higher ups like the moment I had when I got an email for the summer production. I've learned from last time that these do not pay well, the experience is not worth it really, and I'm better off finding something else.

This is my response, to keep it semi-professional:

"Sorry, but I will not be available. But thanks for asking."

What I REALLY wanted to write:

"Sorry, but I have absolutely no interest, especially after the nightmares of virtually EVERY show that I've been a part of, most of which nearly turned me off from performing ever again. Frankly, I fail to find the sincerity of the words in your email. If I truly were someone who you would "immediately think of" when it comes to dedication, you wouldn't be giving me the wikipedia version of the show. We both know good and goddamn well that you only want me because I'm the only one who won't give you lip and because of my dad.

Well, I have had enough of putting up with this company of yours. I'm tired of the backstabbing. I'm tired of my dad shooting insults at me because he's jealous and everyone knows it. I'm tired of dealing with bitchy drama queens. And I'm especially tired of doing all of this for nothing but a lame 'thank you'. Until things change, I don't want anything to do with you or the way you handle your company. And if you think a meager $100 is going to change that, I may as well have an eating disorder in order to save on what you think will 'off-set some expenses [I] may incur while participating in this production'. Yes, $100 is REALLY going to offset all the traveling, food, living expenses, etc. And I'm a natural blonde.

But thanks for asking."

28 Days Later... Camp Rock style.

The show that took over my life this summer was Camp Rock, a musical based on the movies on Disney starring Demi Lovato (before she went to rehab) and the Jonas Brothers. At 23, I played Nate, the youngest brother of the fictional band Connect 3 (and, as such, was the only male in the entire cast who could legally drink. It was so weird). To keep things interesting (and probably barring me from a job with Disney for the rest of my life), I posted these statuses on Facebook as a running gag with the show (where characters, on their phones, would comment on what was to happen on certain days, starting with "Camp Rock: Day #"). Now, to stroll down memory lane:



Camp Rock: Day 1- Obligatory "Camp Rock Day Number" post has been posted. BRING IT ON, RUN.
And so begins a very, very long run that is to pay for my transportation to Brooklyn College. I was over it the second I said "Hi" to the musical director. 1 performance.
 
Camp Rock: Day 2- Today, we sweat our asses off/try not to have heat strokes in Heckscher Park. At least we won't be in a closet this time.
Heckscher Park is notorious for having productions in the roughest weather. It rained in the middle of the performance but the audience all stayed on. Even we sang in the rain. 2 performances.
 
Camp Rock: Day 3- I'm posting this now because I doubt I'll get a chance to later on. Our first double day a.k.a. Depending on the kindness of strangers (kidding) to give me a ride to locations.
The strangers were my friends. And, yes, they did give me rides to locations. 4 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 4- We're back indoors... for ONE show. JUST one today.
I believe this was our first Bellmore show. As you can tell, I was thrilled to be in air conditioning and doing just one show that day, what with performing at a BEACH the previous day. 5 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 5- Thanks to the sound guy, Camp Rock was closed FOREVER in this morning's performance.
Our usual sound guy was away so we had a temp. He didn't play Brown's voiceover where he announces that Camp Rock will continue next summer after all. 7 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 6- Is this week over yet?
This particular week was our first full week (excluding weekends) of Camp Rock shows. And I was getting quickly wiped out and frustrated. 8 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 7- THE WEEK IS OVER.
I was elated, especially since we had our best audience so far at Camp Anchor. 9 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 8- And it begins again. So here's Alyson Stoner bringing back some classic Missy Elliott moves at a Camp Rock concert.
Alyson Stoner played "Caitlyn" in the Camp Rock movies so the fact she used to be that little badass girl in those videos made the show slightly less unbearable. However, this particular location was indoors, with NO air conditioning. So there were puddles of sweat all over the stage, I dripped onto the floor too many times, and my clothes were drenched by the time it ended. Ugh... 10 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 9- 2 shows with a visit to Brooklyn College in between. My personal day from hell.
I had a follow up at BC between shows so I was all over the place that day. Didn't turn out to be that bad after all: I got to ride the double decker train to East Williston. 12 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 10- Double show at Wantagh saw me willingly throw myself into dirt, Carrie stepping on my hand by accident AND ME NOT NOTICING, crack induced songs (where the "Ride or Die, Bitch!" position was in full swing), and the near-mortifying mistake where I almost revealed my tattoo.
It's amazing that no one passed out at all during the day. And I think I was one of the few who managed to keep up with the band when they (most likely deliberately, as the other cast members gave them shit) during one particular speedy routine. We (the band and I) joked about it later while the other cast members, who I was distancing myself from more and more, bitched about it. 14 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 11- Dear YMCA, thank you for having air conditioning.
This had to be one of my favorite days. Before we started the show, the counselors were keeping the kids entertained by playing the Cha Cha Slide. We couldn't resist on the other side of the curtain. Along with a fun performance, we added a YMCA chant in lieu of our usual "CAMP ROCK!" 15 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 12- Nate sounded like he had an esophageal spasm during his song today.
Around this point, my throat was doing weird things to be during my big song, so it sounded like I was choking at some points. 16 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 13- If I managed to play 70 characters in Dora the Explorer AT THE SAME TIME, then triple performances of Camp Rock should be a piece of cake.
It was terrifying. We came close to cancelling the last show due to a horrendous storm that occurred at call time. By the time I got there, the storm was over and, as soon as I arrived at the performing space, everyone said I had brought the sunshine with me. 19 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 14- So out of it by the second show, I screwed up a line MAJORLY and tried to pass it off. It's supposed to start "Uncle Brown told me..."
What I said: "Axel Turner told me-- NO, Uncle Brown, not Axel... it's the heat today... ANYWAY, Uncle Brown told..." Smooooooth.
I was probably still reeling from the day before, and we had a double show once again, both outdoors in the blazing sun. At least I caught myself and made a "Carol Burnett" moment out of it. 21 performances. 

Camp Rock: Day 15- According to the show's plot (with plenty of holes to drive a truck through), this should have ended yesterday.
In the script, the run of Camp Rock lasts fourteen days. But logic is for chumps. 23 performances

Camp Rock: Day 16- There's only one show. One FREAKIN' show. I don't know what to do with myself.
It was at CW Post. I think I was grateful once again that it was an indoor, FANCY theatre. 24 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 17 (?)- Pending if some numbnut does the rain dance or not.
Our venue that day was Eisenhower Park, where it's notorious for raining on days when we least expect it. Unlike other places, where the people stay or there's a rain date, this place doesn't do either of those things. Luckily, it didn't rain and I can finally say I performed here like some freakshow. 25 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 18- The unfortunate moment when, after trying to convince the stage manager to fill in for someone who isn't there, and that someone arrives, instead of cheers, they're greeted with "Damn it!"
One of the actors was running super late, and our stage manager, who pretty much knew the entire show at this point, was being pressured by the other cast members to do the part. However, the absentee finally arrives 15 minutes to curtain, to our dismay. 26 performances. 

Camp Rock: Day 19- Give me the strength to get through this run. Preferably without maiming anyone.
The other cast members were starting to really get on my nerves, especially one of the leads and the stage manager, who allows random chatter go on during MY mic check but not for others. At this point, I had isolated myself from everyone just so I didn't do anything irrational like murder them all or, worse, scream. 27 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 20- For some inexplicable reason, all the boys wore some form of a blue shirt. If all the girls had dressed in pink, we would have looked like we were from But I'm a Cheerleader.
It was kind of embarrassing. I tried to switch it up by wearing my red hoodie, but it was too much by the middle of the show so I took it off. Also, I was knocked for wearing long striped socks that I was going to roll down for the performance. I mean, I'm not THAT unprofessional. Just what was his beef with me? 29 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 21- After a day of vocal rest, it's time to get it back to Janis Joplin status.
Indeed it was. The vocal rest did make it strange to communicate with my talkative father, who probably was wondering why I wasn't speaking and wearing a scarf. However, my voice was at its strongest so it was all worth it. 31 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 22- The party's over but at least the show's in the evening for a change.
There was a four day break between shows, during which I drank as much as I could since I wanted to get some form of release. 32 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 23- Nate kind of became a krumper during "Tear it Down." The hard edge wore off when there was an awkward silence, followed by an equally awkward "YEAH!" by the group.
Following my dad's criticism (which is similar to someone giving their uninvited opinion) that we dance too "white" (because we clearly were not black), I tried to go a little hard and incorporated krumping into "Tear it Down". However, we had a different person playing Luke that day and, since he barely showed up to rehearsals, had no idea what the lyrics were, resulting in a awkward pause. 33 performances. 

Camp Rock: Day 24- There's some witty remark I could come up with but most of the ones I can think of are kind of crass. And I'd rather not deal some cryptic low blow. Not yet, anyway.
It was in the homestretch and I had to be very careful about what I said on Facebook and in public. But, really, I could barely take it anymore. 34 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 25- This could've been performed on Friday. And I could be drinking awesome water right now.
The original day was rained out. I think this day was the day where I had groupies in the audience. They called me hot. They were maybe 13 years old. I felt old. Also, awesome water is my term for "vodka". 35 performances.



Camp Rock: Day 26- THE PENULTIMATE SHOW. (Later on...) Uh, that turned out to be false! The show that was cancelled yesterday was rescheduled friday. So, instead, I'll leave the ad-lib I made today:
"Why look. It's Elvira and Hagrid."
 The day before, it was raining and we had received word that the venue that night closed the show as it was outdoors. Since there was no rain date on the schedule, we had assumed that we wouldn't be performing there. We were wrong. As for the ad-lib, the guys who played Jason and Barron would interrupt my song hiding behind a bush (I'm pretty sure they came on waaaaaaaaay too early) and would do random, stupid things during the song. This day, they wore a beard and a black wig. So I fired back. 36 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 27- Mkay, due to recent events, today's the ACTUAL penultimate show. At Brookhaven. Where I would have enjoyed getting silly and getting in a koala-hug giving mood after but no.
Pretty much my description for what I do when I'm drunk, sort of. It would've been nice to have ended it on this day, at this location, but the rained out venue took advantage on our extra rain date (which would have covered Brookhaven) had it rained and scheduled the show then. 37 performances.

Camp Rock: Day 28- The obligatory "Final Day" status. Which goes a little something like....
FINAL DAY. FINALLY. TONIGHT IT ENDS. (hysterical laughing and sobbing).
Could you tell I was relieved to be done with this? 38 performances.

So, there you have it. 28 days of Camp Rock, with 38 performances, which would result in performing this show for about 2 days straight. How I never want to do it again. Like that'll happen.