SYTYCD season 12 nicknames!

This season of SYTYCD is a weird one, with two teams of stage styles (contemporary, jazz, ballroom, ballet, etc.) and street techniques (breaking, whacking, animation, hip hop, krump, etc.). How this will work is beyond me but who cares, it's nickname time!!

TEAM STREET

Ariana Crowder (Hip Hop)- Single Lady

An otherwise unknown girl, I only remember she wore HEELS for her final Vegas solo.

Jaja Vankova (Popping/Krump)- Moje Sestra

Her nickname is Czech (her homeland is the Czech Republic, also part of my ethnic background) for "My Sister" and she is a force to be reckoned with. The fact she made it to green mile last season means she's going to be tough to beat.

Jessica "JJ" Rabone (Locking/Waacking)- Becky Bunhead

The sister of a Japanese idol (which, apparently, is anyone) is always seen with some ridiculous unicorn bun in almost every appearance. Also trained by Toni Basil, she has an infectious personality.

Lily Frias (Waacking)- Hat Girl 2.0

Not much to remember her by other than she wore a hat constantly because of her style (where goofy costumes are the norm).

Megan "Megz" Alfonso- AG

AG is LGBT slang for "aggressive girl", noted for their urban wear, kind of like tough dudes.

Yorelis Apolinario (Hip Hop)- Video Girl

She originally auditioned last season but as a contemporary dancer and was eliminated in the hip hop round. After training exclusively in the style (and probably going by the strategy "street girls are a rarity as opposed to stage"), she's back on the street team. Given her looks and how she dances, she looks more like a video vixen.

Asaf Goren (Breaking)- Hebrew Guy

Not much to go by for the self proclaimed "Hebrew Breaker" other than he's pretty annoying. He replaced "Hurrikane" due to an injury that knocked him out of the competition (speedy recovery kid!)

Burim "B1" Jusufi (Breaking)- Swiss Guy

As you can tell, the nicknames the street members have kind of kill whatever creativity I can get with nicknames. He auditioned with his brother, who got knocked out in callbacks.

Eddie "Neptune" Eskridge (Freestyle)- Sleepy Eyes

I have NO idea who he is and, if it weren't for watching him during the intro show, I wouldn't have had anything for him.

Virgil "Lil O" Gadson (Hip-Hop)- Froggy

He auditioned a few years back and has been in a Broadway show since. I think he reminds me of a cute frog because of his small size and that he wore a green shirt the first time he auditioned.

TEAM STAGE

Alexia Mayer (Jazz)- Princess Clara

Named after the equally dense Drawn Together character, she's some blonde girl who slipped under the cracks during callbacks. She's kind of a ditz who doesn't think she's "sexy". Has she not seen Witney?

Gaby Diaz (tap)- Miss Determination

She auditioned twice in this season's audition process and, given how well tappers do on this program, she's going to need that determination to stay in. Given her Top 20 intro dance, she's going to be fine.

Hailee Payne (Jazz)- Robyn

I believe she auditioned last year, where it was noted that, with her hair and red lips, she looked very similar to Miley Syphilis Cyrus. However, we all know good and goddamn well Swedish singer Robyn has been rocking that look for way longer.


Kate Hartpootlian (Contemporary)- Harpoon Girl

A redhead who kind of gained prominence during Vegas week (worst timing of course), the only thing that stands out is her interesting surname, and I'm certainly not going to call her "Pootie".


Marissa Milele (Jazz/Acro)- WWE Diva

She's auditioned twice before, once making green mile but getting cut in contemporary the following season. This season, she almost didn't get a chance to audition due to a subway fire causing a blackout in her audition season. Anyway, her toned physique and red hair gives her the look you see in WWE divas.

Derek Piquette (Contemporary)- Croquette

No clue who he is, so here's a rhyming nickname.

Darion Flores (Ballet)- Ailey Guy

Not much I can remember about him (if anything) but he really should consider trying out for Alvin Ailey.

Edson Juarez (Contemporary)- Late Bloomer

He admitted during Vegas that he never got the opportunity to study dance until he was 19 because his heritage forbids it (which, really, means his mom was afraid he'd turn out to be a fruit). Pretty remarkable considering how skilled he is.


Jim Nowakawski (Ballet)- Alex Freakin' Wong 2.0

Asian ballet dancer who dances like the greatest Asian ballet on this show. Voila.

Moises Parra (Contemporary)- Cupcakes

Given his tendency to give off feminine vibes with his dancing, his name comes from a play by Miguel Pinero, where one character, Cupcakes, is named so for being a "pretty boy" in prison.

PiA Freewrite #2: "Colonial"

February 19th, 2014 (I had been absent for a while due to a nasty bug so I don't have the freewrites from the beginning of the month. Ah well, I came back with this.)


Keyword: Colonial

What I did learn from Keywords is that the term "colonial" has changed greatly from the Ancient Greek word colonia, which meant the land owned by soldiers as reward for their service, to the colonial we know as a source of national pride. However, in doing such, the early colonists ended p becoming the people they were trying to avoid: violent claimers of land who used slavery and elimination in the name of "freedom". It reminds me of the debate we had in class weeks ago about "nation" and what defines a "fake" American where, I noticed, no one mentioned Native Americans once (professor's note: "Except for the 'playing indian' part?"). Perhaps it's this kind of contradiction that is present in the play (if I had time to read it :( ). This keyword s definitely one to really think about to see if we actuallly held true to it, beyond the physical meaning of owning land away from the mother country.

The Performance in America entries: Intro and "American"

This is a new series I'll be blogging about. In my final semester at Brooklyn College, I took a course in the American Studies department called "Performance in America" out of fascination and as a way to maintain a full-time student status (Even though I only needed two credits to graduate). At the beginning of each class, we were given about 5-10 minutes (depending on the professor present; it was jointly taught) to write freely about the topic being covered for the day, generally a "keyword" and the cases involved with it. I kept most of mine and figured, eh, why not document them on here? And so, let's begin!

Freewrite #1. January 29th, 2014

Keywords: "America", "Culture"

One thing that intrigued me in Keywords... (our textbook for the course) was that it's not a dictionary but an exploration of how the definitions came to be. In the introduction, it is important to note that there are many other terms that will be brought in but not explored deeply. In American, I thought it was interesting how the term "America" is defined as a culture and as a geographic term. It reminds me of something my Sociology professor asked, which was "What the hell makes us 'American'?" And here, it is seen how complicated it gets. The same goes for "culture", which is seen as a historical point and a lifestyle choice. It's how, as an Irish person, I'm expected to be a heavy drinker (which I'm not) because of cultural stigma versus knowing folklore, like selkies or the history of the Troubles. I will admit it was a little difficult to understand "culture" compared to "America" due to the broadness of how America was explored.

My time with Ariel's Hair

For the first time, I was commissioned to work on a wig for a production AND get paid for it!

My friend, Sam, was reprising her ultimate dream role as Ariel in a production of The Little Mermaid (this was Children's Theatre, so this meant, even though there were adults, they used the Junior version of the script and, as per company standards, the show couldn't be longer than an hour unless there were certain, um, reasons) but this also meant she had to work with the horrible wig she got last time (again, as per company standards, wigs, when not in use, must apparently be thrown on the floor and forgotten about until it is called for again months/years/decades later). Since I've been teaching my self how to work on wigs and hairpieces, Sam asked me to fix it up for her. How could I ever refuse?!

The day I received it, it was the day before their final dress rehearsal, which meant I only had about 5 hours that night to work on it. This is what I got:

Oh sweet Jesus...

She lived under the sea.

Okay, so I had my work cut out for me. I already made it known to her that it's not going to look AS pretty as she wanted it but I'd do my best that night.

THE INITIAL PROCEDURE:
I was going to wet the hair, brush it out with a comb, curl it with magnetic curlers, let her dry, and sleep peacefully.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:

Well, I got the wet part down with my trusty spray bottle (from the glorious place that is The Dollar Tree) and then things went crazy from there. I started off at first brushing the hair with my wide tooth comb, thinking that would save the wig and make it easier to get through the knots. After fifteen minutes working on just one curl, I realized that A) Magnetic curlers are misleading. B) There is no way to use them in the way I want to without denting the hair with bobby pins or getting them to stay put by literally pinning it into the wig head (the holes in the curler were too big and the hair made it heavy to hold) and C) This was going to take longer than I thought.
Somehow, I got into an insane rhythm of switching between three brushes/dinglehoppers just to get the knots out: My wide tooth for the initial pass, my wig brush to get spots that I missed, and my sister's old brush for when I considered setting the whole thing on fire.
I ended up ditching the curlers because I was exhausted by the time I finished weeding out the jungle.

And preparing to recycle the remains for an "Annie" wig.

By the time I finished brushing, it had dried so I had to drench it once more in order to use my newest friend: Silky-and-Yaki human and synthetic hair conditioner by NextImage. This stuff is BOSS. Not only does it smell way better than the DeMert conditioner I used in the past, but it does what promises and gets the wig silky smooth and very pretty without the buildup. And it only cost $5 on Amazon (I have yet to see it in a shop but I'm searching). This, however, meant making another pass with the brushes but, thankfully, this took less time since the conditioner made my life much easier.

And here was the result...

Three fucking hours later.

The next day, I had a show so that meant bringing her along with me to the studio (I was hitching a ride with my dad, to save on bus fare) in order to return it to Sam.

Which also gave me a fantastic opportunity to cosplay Rachel Tice.

I handed it back to her, delirious and sleepy, which she was exceedingly grateful. This meant I didn't get to see it for a week, thank God. And so begins my time with Ariel's hair.

WEEK TWO

The following week, Ariel returned to my trusted hands but, this time, I figured that she could be my first victim to use my DeMert Wig Shampoo I had bought recently ($3.99 at a hair care shop nearby Jamaica station). She was smelling kind of musky anyhow, so I thought, hey, why not?
Here is what I learned with my first wig shampoo experience: Unlike the cheap-o method I've been using before (diluted shampoo in a spray bottle), this does work a lot better since I know I'm not potentially destroying the wig. However, this also means the wig gets tangled in the process which meant RE-BRUSHING EVERYTHING. Thankfully, the fresh scent made up for my near-hyperventilation. Another round of conditioner and I figured I should find a way to push back the bangs since bobby pins can do so much. For this week, I pulled two sections of hair and tied them with plastic bands (which kept breaking. I think I lost six alone on one section) to hidden parts of the wig. The result:

Eh, better than looking like Sasquatch.

Part of your wooooooooooooooooorld...

 It did the job (sort of) but not in the way I hoped it would. Ah well. Less pins scraping the scalp, thankfully.

WEEK THREE

My dad, who plays Scuttle in this production, hands me the wig, saying, "Sam loves what you've been doing with her hair. However, since it's her birthday, she told me to tell you to make it as pretty as you made it before."
Before I could blush, I was thinking of ways to make it look extra special for her birthday that she clearly did not remind us about every day since the second August started (note the sarcasm). But I was serious about the "extra special" part: It's not every day you celebrate your big day (or, in her word, "the anniversary of [her] 21st", which was spent in a hangover and her passed out on her costumes. You had to be there) as a princess.
I took out the bands because they didn't work well and made many, many, MANY attempts to french braid the wig into a half up, half down style. I gave up after the 67th try but I was determined to make it look special. That's when I remembered how I saw a video to do Belle's hair from Beauty and the Beast by the off-chance I had to be an "emergency swing" for that part (with this company you never know: I once had to swing in as Isa the Iguana for a production of Dora the Explorer Live! Pirate Party Adventure for a sold out house of 2,000 or so people.)

I'm just happy no moms attacked me.

And so, I used that technique instead to not only eliminate bobby pins (can you guess that I don't like bobby pins all that much?) but to make it a bit more princess-y.

Little town, it's an aquatic village.

I was a little proud of it. :3 I guess it worked because it came back the way I left it the following week. Yay!

WEEK FOUR

I have no idea how long this show is running for but I liked about what I did with Ariel the last week (since I didn't hear any complaints about it) so I figured, eh, I'll keep the the same. I did remember about the underbrush of the wig that I had been neglecting for some time now (because I am, by nature, a lazy human being). So, I figured I could take care of it this week as I was battling a depression episode, as a distraction. Another shampoo wash and I tackled the underside...

Almost as bad as the first time.

It kind of looks like she's wearing one of those sorta-knit berets.

Another twisty-fancy half up style and I was done for the week.

Turns out, that was the last weekend so I was free!! But I'll miss working on Ariel the ungrateful tart with raging hormones. At least I have Millie to look forward to!

Or wait for another production of Annie.

My Mother

Dear Mom,

It's been three years since you've passed and I still miss you every single second that passes by. I know you can hear me wherever you are so I know you can hear my thoughts as I write them here.

Mom, I'm tired. There are moments where I wish I could scream if that meant I could get rid of feeling like a wrecked mess. There are moments where I wish tears could flow out of my eyes like a never ending waterfall from the heavens if it meant I could feel better afterwards.

I'm tired of hearing the standard, "She would be so proud of you" because I know the one thing you'll be proud of is how I've managed to live.

I've cut myself. I've turned to alcohol and sleep to numb the pain. There have been many times where I could have welcomed death if it meant I no longer had to deal with going on. The times I wanted to be alone were interrupted, and the times where there was company, I was lonely. It's a struggle to even talk about family: To them. About them. They wonder why I don't talk anymore. I have to keep everything to myself because who knows what will happen if it explodes in their faces. They want me to be happy but it's not like a switch that can be turned on and off so easily. I've tried but they often forget.

Mom, there are moments when I never want to wake up because I just know things. Of what's to come. Of what others know. And I wish it could stop. If there ever was a moment to be cradle in your arms again, I would give up everything for that to happen.

But you wouldn't allow that. You and I know that now I have the loving arms of my family and friends to keep me going. I can't give up on them. I don't want to see them miserable, and I can't lose myself into everything anymore. I would love for things to be different, but that's not a possibility.

I have to move forward and embrace what is to come, even if it means dealing with the dickheads who mess it up.

I feel a lot better after writing this letter. I may get ridiculed for it but people can go fuck themselves. It's time I take back control of me. I know you'd want that.

I love you,

Your beloved son.

SYTYCD season 11 nicknames!

Once again, I'm continuing the time-honored tradition of giving the Top 20 contestants nicknames because I probably will forget their real names later on, it's fun, and just because. I will say I'm a teense bummed because I can't remember if I ever saw a good chunk of these people during the auditions but I'll give it my best shot:

THE GIRLS

Bridget Whitman (Contemporary)- Liberty Lunch

Bridget is one of the many sob stories we've heard this season. Her dad was killed in a car accident when she was 12 and she remembers the Hallmark card message he told her years ago on how to succeed. Bridget also probably cries at the drop of a hat. Literally. For her audition, she performed to a cover of "Que Sera Sera" by Jennifer Terran which made it beautifully painful (emotionally) to watch. If she performed to the song I named her after, I will probably sob uncontrollably.

Brooklyn Fullmer (Latin Ballroom)- Ivory

She auditioned with her dance partner, who also made it in. They're like a perfect set, which makes their nicknames kind of handy.


Carly Blaney (Contemporary)- Busgirl

Mostly unmemorable for most of callbacks, and not featured for auditions, she didn't become prominent until she was in that disastrous (well, they all were horrible in the group round) group routine where that Rumba girl thought it was a great idea to incorporate the style in the dance. Apparently, she made green mile last time (or came close) and knew good and goddamn well that she's not giving up her spot when prompted by Nigel to get rid of someone themselves (a shitty move). Carly said that she didn't want to go home but "didn't want to throw someone under the bus."


Emily James (Contemporary)- Bankable

Emily auditioned in the past but came back after a hiatus of studying to be an accountant. But, accountants are no fun so she's back with a vengeance. Even her cousin gave a pretty boss audition!

Jacque Lewarne (Ballet)- Aunt Jackie

Another unmemorable dancer with virtually zero screen time so she gets an obvious nickname.

Jessica Richens (Jazz)- Hat Girl

The lone jazz dancer this season, Jessica performed two stellar solos that involved a hat that unleashed her long, flowing blonde hair that put Jabba Lee's routine to shame. Also, if there's a burlesque routine this season, she's probably gonna ace it.

Jourdan Epstein (Ballet)- Tough Broad

Her brother is a struggling addict who's currently on the mend, and the struggle she's gone through reflected in her audition, showcasing her strength and tenacity and all that powerful jazz.

Malene Ostergaard (Latin Ballroom)- Great Dane

In her career, she traveled to Tokyo where she met a guy who treated her like dirt. She's also from Denmark. That's all I got because her sob story was relatively weak.


Tanisha Belnap (Ballroom)- Werqin Girl

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Tanisha had a modest American dream lifestyle: In a family consisting of 12 siblings, money was tight if she wanted to study dance. So, for the most part, she supported herself, especially making costumes and doing god knows what else to make ends meet. Plus, she somehow managed to make Britney's "Work Bitch" into a passable ballroom solo.


Valerie Rockey (Tap)- Red Shoes

Her footwear color of choice. Plus, her name and my nickname= Ultimate irony! 

THE BOYS

Casey Askew (Contemporary)- Le Poof

I can barely remember who he is or why I want to punch him in the face but whatever. He's got some interesting hair.

Emilio Dosal (Popping)- Comeback Kid

If you remember from last season, Emilio managed to make the top 20! However, he was mysteriously dismissed due to a medical emergency that Cat didn't elaborate on, thus allowing Aaron "Second Chance" to swoop in. Well, he's back where he belongs after being kicked in the face, damaging his septum, getting surgery, and all sorts of draaaama. He's also pretty adorable.

Marquet Hill (Latin Ballroom)- Ebony

See Ivory. However, I think he has the skills to take it all the way, considering almost everyone believed he was a hip-hop dancer.

Nick Garcia (Latin Ballroom)- Doofus

A dead ringer for Jesse "Arrogant Ass", we witnessed him and his buddy Rudy attempt to pick up a girl in Miami to unsurprising failure.

Ricky Ubeda (Contemporary)- Wittle Babyface

For some reason, he sounds very familiar but, meh, it might come to me eventually. Even with facial hair, there's no way he can hide the fact that he's 18. He's also kind of incredible, but he looked like he was having a stroke during his final solo at callbacks.

Rudy Abreu (Contemporary)- Trout Mouth

Nick's bffl, Rudy has a scar on his tummy which he incorporated into his audition. However, I was more distracted by his mouth that was open about 99% of the time and his eyes which continually rolled back.

Serge Onik (Latin Ballroom)- Babydoll's Former Partner (BFP)

Another green mile reject, whose partner, Brittney "Babydoll", landed in the top 20. His new partner likes to twerk. Thankfully, he doesn't.

Stanley Glover (Contemporary)- Vesper

I totally forgot that they did in fact show his audition, but I also remember now that my dad said he didn't like pieces like the one he used. Stanley also looks like an Ailey company member, which created this beautiful piece in the past.

Teddy Coffey (Hip Hop)- WHO?!

Seriously, who the hell is this guy? Because I only saw him at green mile. He's like the Janaya of the season.

Zack Everhart, Jr (Tap)- Dopey

Zack got some coverage during callbacks, mostly because he's a tapper (which Nigel apparently has a love/hate relationship with) but also has a face like one of the 7 dwarves (in an adorable way, of course).

Let the games begin!

An Open Letter to my BC Theatre Family

To my family,

Today, we, like myself, either graduated from Brooklyn College or, like others, are celebrating the end of a semester. As I sat in the audience coming up with sarcastic remarks listening to the speeches, I began to reflect on these past few years and here is what I came up with.

I arrived to this institution with nothing more than an associate's degree and the knowledge that it's either stay in school or find a job in order to keep my health insurance. My mother was going in and out of the hospital for an ankle injury and, later, cancer, so my mind was elsewhere. Nobody prepared me for anything here so I went in undeclared (dumb move) and figured that I could switch to another, more convenient major by taking random courses and seeing what I liked best.

Then, on August 31st, two days into my first semester, my mother passed away. I was a wreck. I stopped eating. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring, period. I tried my damnedest to push back the pain by diving into my studies. But it wasn't enough. I wanted it all to end. I wanted to give up. I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to stop.

Two semesters in and, after finding help in the counseling center, I realized I was doing more harm to myself than good. And so, I returned to a familiar world: Theatre.

Ever since I made the decision to return to majoring in theatre, I've become more knowledgeable in the field in all aspects of it: History, technical, acting. I soaked in every second of it because I knew that I would never get this chance again (at least, not for a while). This was especially beneficial because I was beginning to see just how unorganized and unprofessional the theatre company I'm with now was... and still is.

But what's most important is the connections I've made with everyone involved in the department: The BAs, the BFAs, the MFAs, the professors (some of whom believed I was a BFA actor), staff members, the whole nine yards. All of you are much more than friends to me. You are my family. You are the people I want and love to be around, where we can joke about the most random things ("You have GOT to be kidding me!"), share personal stories, and just be close with one another. It is a feeling that I so very rarely experience in my career, and it made me remember that it is true: We have no time for enemies in this business. It's why the next time I see someone who acts like a diva, I'm going to tell them to write everything they know on the back of their hand, to see if they really do know everything like the back of their hand.

I am going to cherish the friendships and connection I've made with everyone. You have changed my life for the better.

You all have saved my life.

I wish everyone lots of luck, love, and lollipops in their future endeavors and be prepared for the koala hug I will give you the next time we meet.

Thank you all for everything.

I love you all,

Chris Weiss
(That guy who was always on the floor in the hallway)

Chris reads: Reviews from Dora the Explorer Live! At St. George Theatre

So last weekend (and year), I performed in Dora the Explorer LIVE! at the St. George Theatre, Staten Island. In 2013, I was Isa (last minute) and this time, I was Swiper. I stumbled upon the reviews via Ticket master and, well, some people had their opinions. And I'll offer my rebuttal. But I will skip a few, since they all were about the same and/or out of my hands, like the costumes and sound system.

From 2013:

"This show is awful. The characters are played by people wearing nasty run down costumes. My daughter was horrified. Boots costume was half on an u could see his face. Why wouldnt they have the costumes where the person was inside and your not able to see the face. I would like my money back if i could get it. Horribly disappointed in this and the portrail of thr show. I was under the impression that the characters would look like the show."

Well, yes, of course the characters are played by people wearing costumes (although I do agree with the nasty ass costumes. Made by a women who teaches at Five Towns college.). And yes, of course you're going to see Boots' face, especially since they did that for the actual professional version some years ago. And we would love to have the costumes where the actor was inside and the face was masked, but that requires money, which we don't have.
Oh, and since you have so graciously provided reviewer photos, that points out that you violated the whole, "No Photographs are to be taken during the show" thing, which is pretty much illegal.

"It started 20 min late, Dora didn’t speak Spanish, the only character that looked similar to himself was” Swiper”, The actors seemed to be all teenagers, Diego’s microphone was off the whole time, No one can hold a note on their own, The only paraphernalia sold in the theater was a flashlight that had a soccer ball on it, nothing with Dora on it, they guys outside of the theater were selling better stuff, The actors were moving the set themselves, ( in the open- not behind curtains, I could go on and on, But I’m pretty sure I made my point,,,,,,PARENTS!! Stay away from this one."

I am to assume that the phrases "Abre", "Todos estan invitados", "Hola amigos", and such are German? But thanks for thinking I was a teenager when I was really 23. In a lizard suit. And I'm pretty sure I was able to hold those notes in Isa Turn the Wheel pretty well, considering I'm a dude. And you must have some warped perceptions of theatre if you think the curtains can close and open in 15 seconds for a set change done by the actors, which also occurs professionally. Parents, see more theatre.

"The show was about 45 min. Dora wasn't look like her."

Did you ever notice the special episodes of Dora on television are about the same length of time? And please proof read.

 From 2014, as Swiper:

"Do not go to Dora live or this venue on Staten Island. The show was worse than a high school production, and the theatre was falling apart. Total waste of time and money."

The theatre is falling apart? Like how? A crack in the ceiling? Because that's one pretty gorgeous theatre.

"Dora character was not even dressed in her costume. Boots looked cheap.
The whole event was not worth it at all. Wish I can get my money back !!"

I seem to remember Dora was in a costume and not running around naked.

"The characters of the show should have worn the actual costumes instead of being real people so maybe the kids can be more into the show."

You are aware that acting and live theatre involves real people wearing costumes (regardless of how crappy they are), right?

"It was the worse show I have ever seen - we couldn't hear a thing."

It could possibly be the screaming children but that could just be me.

"Dora could have been in a real DORA costume for such a short time..."

Define a real DORA costume. 


So yeah. The gist of it was the shoddy costumes, time, and restlessness of the children. But what did you expect for $15 and a touring company from Long Island? I certainly did MY best and I apologize for not meeting your expectations.

I Gotta Be Me

I had a peer call me "mean" the other day because I've been acting extremely cold and confusing towards him for basically saying that he should probably stop communicating with me.

I usually respond with vague or direct answers in order to avoid conversation because, frankly, I have other things to be concerned about other than typical banter.

In the latest endeavor, he tells me the truth, calls me "beautiful" and "talented", drew me a picture, sends me messages that are about 7 paragraphs long that I don't really read all the way through because it's essentially the same thing he wrote last time, reads the posts on this crappy blog that I never mentioned about, and tries. And tries. And tries. And tries. And tries. And tries. And tries. And tries. And tries.

And I'm tired.

So I attempt to show him that I'm not interested in him like that anymore. Because the person I spoke with online didn't match up to the person I saw in real life. I don't dig that.

He asks to hang out with me, to get coffee or tea or something. I tell him I have things to work on for my costuming classes, Plus, I hate coffee, tea, or when people watch me eat. Usually, people get the hint then.
He then suggests we work on our assignments together. I told him that this usually involves me going into the city, getting whatever is necessary. If I wanted anyone to go along, I would probably ask, but I much rather prefer to shop alone. Makes things a lot faster.
He blows it by asking if he can tag along. Common sense implies that if I said, "No" the last few attempts, it's not going to happen.

I don't dig clingy people.

When I'm alone, I'm alone for a reason. This is different from being lonely.

He thinks he understands. I'm well aware that no one can truly understand another.

There are many things to describe me, but "mean" is a bit juvenile.

One friend who I greatly respect accurately described me as, "Being a bitch, but not being a cunty-bitch."

If you can't handle me like that, then you can't handle me when I'm worse. Or honest. And realistic. I don't want reasons to why you want me to be your "friend". This isn't a contest in the 8th grade. Of course everyone tries, but when I recognize how much that person is trying, then it's a turn off.

I've dealt with the clueless who have told me the same old junk since year one, that I'm "beautiful, talented, smart." Maybe I do seem heartless and cold but I can't a robot at the same time.

So maybe I do come across as "mean."
But, if you're not going to get it, I will spit acid and leave you in the cold.
And if I be brutal and say it's time to stop, then so be it.

And this goes for anyone and everyone.

To the Outspoken Woman/Loudmouth in my Class

(There is a class I'm taking this semester that allows for discussion on readings that, naturally, causes for different opinions to emerge. One particular peer, however, voices her opinion virtually any chance she gets. This is me venting)

To the outspoken woman,

I've known you for quite some time. I've caught on to the fact that you often don't read/fulfill certain assignments and, to cover for that, you ask as many questions during class. Others may find you to be inquisitive. I think it's just a strategy of wasting time. I would know because I do the exact opposite by keeping quiet when I haven't done anything. But this is just part of why I'm writing this.

The other day, when we were asking questions, you rather loudly scoffed at the question another peer had asked. "How do we 'dehumanize' men?'" This was, rather conveniently, written next to a question I had written, "What about male rape victims?" I had asked this in response to the diatribe on female rape victims you unleashed about how the way they dressed/behaved certainly did not mean they deserved to be rape. So imagine my surprise when, slightly ticked off, I asked you the same question, in a more serious tone and you just looked at me, slightly tongue tied. And imagine my frustration when, as an attempt to cover yourself, you said you were "frustrated" at the prospect of the question.

Ms. Loudmouth Time Waster, please consider this.

Yes, men can be a part of a few of same issues you frequently bring about in class. Yes, men can be raped, dehumanized, and objectified. Trust me, I have been there time and again. And I did catch you roll your eyes, during your own presentation, when you spoke about people who did not want to be restricted to the standard "male/female" gender roles. And I do not appreciate it when you run your mouth every five seconds while there are others who want to be heard as well.

There are many things I would love to call you but that means you would have won something. And with every battle, I lose more of myself, so why risk it. Not everyone thinks the same way as you do, nor would they want to. You are not the way you are strictly due to your ethnicity. Stop talking and complaining and DO something for once.

And, for the love of God, consider this:

HuMan
Huwoman

Catch my drift?

-A rambling, frustrated mind.

When I Had Enough of the Company

Because I'm an overachiever, I tend to get emails from the higher ups of a particular theatre company that I lovingly complain about constantly to friends. The same company that I refer to productions as "chicken-shit gigs", where my dad tends to shut me down over not-so-subtle jealously, and the one that I'm, to put it bluntly, sick and tired of.

So it takes great amounts of willpower to not send a profanity laced email to these higher ups like the moment I had when I got an email for the summer production. I've learned from last time that these do not pay well, the experience is not worth it really, and I'm better off finding something else.

This is my response, to keep it semi-professional:

"Sorry, but I will not be available. But thanks for asking."

What I REALLY wanted to write:

"Sorry, but I have absolutely no interest, especially after the nightmares of virtually EVERY show that I've been a part of, most of which nearly turned me off from performing ever again. Frankly, I fail to find the sincerity of the words in your email. If I truly were someone who you would "immediately think of" when it comes to dedication, you wouldn't be giving me the wikipedia version of the show. We both know good and goddamn well that you only want me because I'm the only one who won't give you lip and because of my dad.

Well, I have had enough of putting up with this company of yours. I'm tired of the backstabbing. I'm tired of my dad shooting insults at me because he's jealous and everyone knows it. I'm tired of dealing with bitchy drama queens. And I'm especially tired of doing all of this for nothing but a lame 'thank you'. Until things change, I don't want anything to do with you or the way you handle your company. And if you think a meager $100 is going to change that, I may as well have an eating disorder in order to save on what you think will 'off-set some expenses [I] may incur while participating in this production'. Yes, $100 is REALLY going to offset all the traveling, food, living expenses, etc. And I'm a natural blonde.

But thanks for asking."

Project Runway: Southern Helle

Previously on Project Runway: Heidi tortures treats the designers to a field day, then tells them to make a design for her New Balance line, Kunt gets even cunty-er (?), Prissy Punk Helen wins her third challenge but is no more endearing to me than she was before, which is she's not, and Karen blew the challenge so she got sent home.

At the Refinery Hotel, the boys (well, Justin, Kunt, and Jeremy) discuss Karen's ouster, which is just Kunt and Jeremy talking shit. Kunt bitches about being in the bottom and plans to keep his guard up. On the runway, Heidi enters wearing a cheetah print top that is just.. no. Just no. Moesha, however, looks nice and classy. Heidi tells the group that, since they're working soooo well, she's giving them the morning off via a Southern style brunch. Bradon, Kate, and the world are immediately skeptical of this.

The group is whisked away to Juliette, a restaurant that looks rustic and fancy. They even get their own table with all sorts of foods. While Tiny Dom waits for the poor soul to burst through with a bolt of fabric to say, "AND design!" (which, at this point, would be considered normal), she and the rest of the group just dine and dish. Helen is prompted to talk about her meeting with New Balance and Jeremy comments on her winning THREE challenges already and shit talks her like it's his job. Because that's all he's ever done in confessionals. As Kate hopes that they get to design for a garden party, Tim arrives and Inga knows that the jig is up. The challenge this week: Design for the modern Southern woman, who is the target audience for Belk. Kunt, who remind us that he's from the South every 34 seconds in this episode, believes that, because he's from the South, he has this in the bag. So, let's move on to someone we don't know much about, who is Tiny Dom! Her family hails from New Orleans. Helen, from Union City NJ, tells us the obvious: She doesn't design for the Southern woman (shit, no!) so she may be in trouble. That is unless she plans to go trailer trash for win #4. Tim stresses that the design can be either a day or evening look and the suggested budget is around $200-250. And, of course, only one day for the challenge (natch).

The designers sketch throughout the restaurant to get inspired (by what? Dead roaches?) Kunt, the southern belle, aims to make a maxi dress. Alexander theQueen is nervous because he ordinarily designs for the modern 80's woman so his plan is to make a jacket and pant but he already isn't feeling it. Tiny Dom, whose family is from New Orleans, is going blue with a print, as prints are her strong suit. Bradon aims for a day dress with buttons and Jeremy plans to make a jacket without it going mother-of-the-bride. On the way to Mood, everyone teases Kunt by asking him for some tips about how southern gals dress. He feels that, since he's the only one here who still lives in the south, and Belk caters to the southern girl, he should be win this challenge as he has yet to win something. There was that quiz from the shoes challenge. Be proud of your mundane fashion history!

At Mood, Tiny Dom goes for the silks since they're easy to drape and Kate goes for a print with warm chiffon. As Bradon heads for the plaids, he struggles trying to find one he likes while Kunt gets pissy since the world revolves around him everyone is heading for the silks and prints, which is what he wanted to do. So he goes for a solid fuchsia in an attempt to separate from the crowd. Alexander can't find the fabrics he wanted to use so he aims for a different route while Bradon finds a plaid that works! Unfortunately, EVERYONE HAS SIMILAR FABRICS! Except for Kunt, of course. Alexander semi-jokes that he hopes this won't be a battle of the plaid pants AGAIN. At least Miranda's gone this time.

I'm becoming convinced that Kate's sole purpose on this show is to recap all the challenges. Alexander theQueen says that he's only gone to the south at least twice. I'm sure he's gone south for other reasons but that's just my dirty, smutty mind speaking. As he works with silk charmuse, Prissy Punk Helen aims to make a refined dress with bold colors. Then, Tim enters with John Thomas, VP for Belk. John tells the designers that this will be yet another challenge where the winning look will be SOLD! The designers wet their pants and Kunt and Helen tells us how they're hungry for the win now.

Inga's been kind of under the radar so she tells us that this isn't really her kind of challenge as she doesn't really do colorful, femme ladies. With 8 hours to go, we go to the saving grace friendship that is Bradon and Alexander theQueen. If Bradon wasn't taken by Josh, I'm so certain these two would be banging. Anyway, Bradon asks what Alexander is making. He responds, "A straightjacket". Bradon requests he make two. Elsewhere, Kunt says someone's pants should be paired with some cowboy boots (I believe that's Western, not so much Southern) and shit talks some more. Tiny Dom, being safe for the past century, decides that she should ditch the print and go with color. And Alexander asks Kunt about Southern hair and how he initially thought about Steel Magnolias.

Tim arrives to make his daily rounds. Alexander is making a day dress with his plaid and thinks she goes to the forest (I don't get it either but he's lucky he's adorable) and while Tim loves the plaid Bradon of the Mullet Dresses has chosen, he can tell Bradon's concerned, mostly due to the plaid debacle from the SHOES challenge is back to haunt him. Tim tells him to believe in himself. We move on to Justin, who we haven't heard from AT ALL until now. Tim points out that the color combination of coral and black ends up making it look a bit too Halloween and it cheapens the outfit, which is a kiss of death. We don't hear much about Kate except that Bradon thinks her print isn't working. And now we go to Kunt and his purple people eater. Kate believes that Kunt is a competitor because he's a modern Southern man, so Tim just tells him to carry on. Tim tells Jeremy that he should be innovative, fresh, and avoid going matchy-matchy. Helen explains that her yellow dress is for a dinner party but Alexander says that the 60's threw up in the worst way possible. As for Tiny Dom, Tim worries that it's underdesigned. Inga gets the critique that her is looking too bohemian for the challenge, which throws her for a loop. Justin believes that she's the weakest this time, which is extremely unusual, even for her. Tiny Dom is worried that she might not even have a look. Tim gives Inga the harsh truth: It's hideous. Inga starts to panic about going home, so Tim, instead, comments that he liked the first look much better. Inga jokingly bemoans that she wished Southerners could wear black more often. In the confessional, she says that she's going to follow his advice and go back to the first choice. Feeling bad for emotionally eviscerating her, Tim asks if she wants a hug. In the most serious tone ever, and without missing a beat, Inga says that she needs prayers AND immunity.

Model time! Inga is going nuts and has Nastasia this week. I believe Nastasia is just that unlucky model. As Jeremy wastes time on the jacket, Tiny Dom likes Justin's direction and how he's thinking outside of the box. Elsewhere, after the models leave, Kunt goes to skype with his momma, Sonya. She asks about if his "other side" has come out, meaning this has happened in real life. While he shirks off his answer of "yes", we get a beautiful montage of him getting bitchy, bitchier, and cuntiest. She hopes he has managed to chill out, going into the bathroom to calm down and such. After the session, Kunt says that he now feels focused to finish the garment.

Going to someone pleasant, Bradon feels his dress is just safe but Kunt believes no one in the South would even wear that dress. Oh brother. He also says that it would be the outfit Harriet Tubman would have worn after getting her freedom. That made as much sense as an Abby Lee routine about Anne Frank. Alexander comments on how far behind Jeremy, Justin, himself... well, everyone is and that he's worried.

Runway day finds Kunt confident in his purple thingy but aware enough to notice that they'll never know what could go down on the runway. Kate is thrilled with her cutesy dress and Tiny Dom (who looks great with her hair slicked back) is racing the clock to finish her dress. With 30 minutes to go, Inga aims to make her garment look more Belk-like through the accessories and a bunch of other dress talk ensues, including Kate thinking Kunt's dress is too loose. Tiny Dom is STILL sewing but finishes the very second Tim comes to retrieve her. She hopes the judges will see a different side of her this time.

For the runway today, Heidi threw on a bedsheet, tied it in a knot, and threw on some red lipstick.

Guess curtains are out of fashion.

The guest judges today are John Thomas (of course) and Stacey Kiebler, host of Supermarket Superstar.

Kunt is up first and holy crap is it booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooring. Seriously, how is THAT southern? Prissy Punk Helen's swinging 60's dress makes the girl look chunky due to the overlay. Justin's simple and chic and the model plays the role very well. Alexander theQueen's plaid dress is pretty edgy, but I wish it could've been more cinched up in the back. Inga's dress isn't too shabby but a teense too commercial. Bradon's mullet dress is a stunner and actually looks southern. Kunt, however, doesn't think a modern southern woman would wear plaid. Then what WOULD she wear? A big poofy gown with a parasol? Tiny Dom's dress does flow well but it lacks something. Also, the slit is puckered. Jeremy made an 80's look and it's horrid. Kate closes the show with a colorful dress but I don't think it quite works this time.

Helen, Inga, and Justin are all safe. Helen is pissed because she didn't win. Shut up, Helen.

THE GOOD

Bradon of the Mullet Dresses: Zac and Heidi like it. Heidi likes the varying lengths and Kunt looks befuddled, like he should be getting that kind of praise. Zac thinks it felt fresh and southern. Nina said that he did something unexpected with expected fabric and Stacy says it made her feel happy! John calls it modern country club. Kunt shakes his head because he is an expert of Southerness. Bitch please, you are nothing compared to Celia Rivenbark.

Kate: Stacy likes that it’s sellable. Nina also thinks the dress has selling appeal. Heidi, however, doesn’t like that it makes her model look pregnant. Zac would be happy to see a woman wear this. John likes the execution.

Alexander theQueen: Zac loves the dress and Heidi thinks she looks sexy and she would wear the dress. John loves the pattern and that the dress was fun. Stacy likes the volume on the bottom and how it matches the top. Nina loves the movement.

THE BAD

Jeremy: Heidi tells him that his look isn’t modern. She’s not happy with the silhouette and she’s just a lady, not sexy. Zac calls the jacket a "casino" jacket. Stacy calls it colorful but it isn’t hip and the length is odd. Nina doesn’t think it’s the jacket that makes it bad, it must be the print. John thinks it missed the mark.

Kunt: Make yourself comfortable for this. Zac says he chose a great color, but he isn’t interested in the dress. Heidi asks where she’s going and Kunt says a formal wedding (really?). Zac calls it a night gown. Heidi calls it unflattering and notices that Kunt is giving her a stank look, which she shoots right back. He’s silent. Rude. Nina calls it safe. Zac gives him the hard truth and tells him that he can’t be a rising fashion star if he plays it safe. Stacy isn’t excited and John calls it "bridesmaid". Heidi asks about how he’s feeling and Kunt vibrates with rage, saying that his emotions aren’t important right now. She, however, can tell he just wants to roll his eyes like the preteen girl that he is. What. A. Douche.

Tiny Dom: John likes the vibe but it’s not much of an evening dress. Heidi doesn’t think it’s fashion forward. Stacey thinks she scaled back too much. Nina didn’t like the hospital scrub colors. Zac wants to see the "oomph!" she has and Nina is disappointed.

In the lounge, Moesha is sitting there like one of the designers. Tiny Dom feels like she blew an opportunity. Out in the closer looks, Heidi tries on Jeremy's jacket and morphs into a flight attendant. She admits that she wished the bottom 3 could have worked harder on the challenge but she has an idea about what to do.

Out on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that she and the judges were underwhelmed for this challenge, except for...

Winner: Bradon!! He's thrilled! I bet Kunt scowled. Kate and Alexander are whisked to safety.

As for the bottom three, Heidi believes all three of them should be out because of their crappy work. However, for the first time EVER, she's giving them an extra hour to revamp or create a brand new style. They can also have another designer help them out and they have access to all the remaining fabric in the room. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND GO!

Kunt is grateful for this and says he's here to fight to the end. He grabs Kate, Tiny Dom gets Helen, and Jeremy goes for Alexander. Kunt doesn't do much (what a shock) but Tiny Dom is going BALLS TO THE WALLS. Alexander hopes to help Jeremy make a YOUNGER dress that's playful while Kunt isn't getting it. Tiny Dom drapes her original print and pretty much goes nuts. Jeremy has made a new dress and Kate hopes she can keep Kunt safe. As Tim arrives, everyone is going insane. Kunt, however, is cocky enough to believe that he can be in with this dress.

Runway, ROUND 2! Kunt has made a tacky, trashy club dress, but Tiny Dom's new dress is miles better. It looks a bit sloppy but hey, that's what happens when you're only given an hour. And Jeremy made an underwhelmed night dress.

Round 2

Jeremy: Zac doesn’t think it’s interesting but pretty. Nina thinks it’s the right fabric and print. Stacy calls it younger and hipper. John likes the mix of the prints.

Tiny Dom: Heidi LOVES the dress and thinks everything looks nice. Zac congratulates her and thinks the print is cool and it’s one of her best pieces. Nina calls it fabulous, edgy, and easy. Stacy wants it NOW. She calls it classy and sexy. John likes how it looks all over the place (in the good way)


Kunt: Nina says she looks sexier and cooler. Stacy can see a young girl wearing it and John thinks it's more modern now. Heidi thinks he went too short but it's better and Zac calls it a night club dress.

After a brief chat, Heidi brings them back out onstage. Tiny Dom is sweeped to safety, but not before John tells her that he loves the dress so much, they're producing that one too! Tiny Dom cries and can't wait to show them more.

Bottom Two: Jeremy and Kunt
Out: Jeremy.


Kunt feels the right person went home. Bitch, no one asked you. Jeremy disagrees with the judges, naturally, but at least he can see his kids AND drink! He’s proud that he got as far as he did but he can’t wait to go back to his family.

Next time: SUPERFANS!!! Kunt goes REALLY apeshit, and maternity librarians.

Project Runway: Groundhog's Day

Previously on PR: The designers worked with SHOES! The battle of the plaid pants saw Alexander theQueen triumphant, Prissy Punk Helen wins again, Miranda the Riveter gets shit canned and probably seeks out therapy, and I begin to slack in updates because college has started once more. And that Kunt is getting on my nerves.

Eerie music and shots of the hotel start this episode, which means Heidi has planned something very sinister for the designers today. It comes in the form of Tim Gunn in a ref's shirt, blowing a whistle to wake everybody up. Karen has no idea what's going on and Jeremy admits that he's not much of a sports person (shocker). Another person? Kunt, who still refers to himself in the third person like an ass. Yeah, that's totally shocking! In the van on the way over (hey, they can fit everyone in one car now!), Jeremy asks when Alexander theQueen last exercised. Like the good theatre queen that he is, Alexander replies, "1876". Somehow, this goes into how shopping is considered an endurance sport. Personally, I think a shopping trip is successful when I manage to not have an internal battle of wills over buying a pair of pants/shoes/a shirt and how it will effect my wallet. Seriously, it's kind of traumatic.

The designers, decked out in New Balance wear, are on an athletic field where they meet Tim Gunn, in SHORTS, and Heidi, wearing what is the most decent thing she wore in 12 seasons of Project Runway: A simple tank top with her "Heidi Klum for New Balance" logo and jeans. Memo to Heidi: Please wear normal clothes more often. They look great.

LIKE ZEES?

Oh for the love of god...

Alexander theQueen is baffled by everything that has occurred today. Because their outing into the woods wasn't enough, Heidi wants to get their blood pumping even more by giving them a field day! In five teams of two (don't panic, it isn't a group challenge), they will compete in standard(ish) field day games that consist of a three legged race, a tire run, a wheelbarrow race, and ending the relay with a find a flag in kiddie pools filled with lingerie. The team that wins the relay will get a very valuable prize of choosing their fabrics first and getting AN EXTRA HOUR of working time. After a brief explanation of what performance wear is from Tim, the challenge is administered: Create fashionable yet functional pieces for Heidi's New Balance line, because she has to plug that in somewhere. Jeremy's excited because performance wear and mass market clothing aren't things he has tackled quite so often. Heidi also announces the winning design will be produced and sold in limited New Balance stores and online, which sets the designers all in a tizzy. Tim also lets them know that the teams are only for this activity only, so we can all breathe a bit easier.

The teams:
Justin and Dom: Team Red
Jeremy and Alexander: Team Blue
Helen and Bradon: Team Yellow
Inga and Kate: Team Orange
Karen and Kunt: Team Green

And Karen can immediately tell that Kunt does NOT want to be with her. Well, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to be with ANYONE, but that's because he's been acting like an ass for quite some time. Kunt isn't looking forward to this because this requires physical exertion. Bradon is confident with his partnering of Helen and Dom is feeling confident because she's a freaking Amazon. Kate, paired with Inga, has a plan: If she trips, Inga will drag her because Kate literally meets Inga's waist. And so, LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Bradon and Helen pretty much shoot off like fireworks, leaving the rest of the group in the dust. Soon, Bradon is like a track star and sprints to the pools... until Heidi screams at them that they forgot about the wheelbarrow portion! Oops! So they go back and give Dom and Justin the edge to win. Tiny Dom is thrilled because, even though she has yet to win a main challenge, she did win A challenge. Orange is next, followed by Green, Yellow, and poor Blue team is last, with Heidi congratulating them on finally finding their flag BUT they're still last. Jeremy thought Alexander would have been more athletic than he looked and I have to laugh that out of my system because theatre people are notoriously the least athletic types of people ever.

Justin is very grateful for the extra hour (he's grateful for everything these days, because he's a good noodle) but Helen is reminded that she has immunity. HOWEVER, says Tim, there will be NO MORE immunity saves here on out and Helen is decidedly worried. Meanwhile, Alexander has a sombrero to shade his eyes from the sun because he's paler than Casper. Helen feels like a million bucks because of the immunity but, luckily, remembers that the last time she had immunity, she kinda sorta coasted and got reprimanded for it. So she's determined this time that it wasn't a fluke. One more detail: Since it's her line, Heidi will join Tim in the workroom visits. Tiny Dom wets her pants because Heidi is very opinionated. Tim advises that the designers should look carefully at the textiles in Heidi's garments and we catch a glimpse of Moesha in a simple t-shirt and her standard heels. Instead of going to Mood, the designers will get their fabrics directly from the field and have $50 taken from all their accounts.

Karen is nervous because active wear isn't her thing while Bradon and Justin join Alexander's sombrero party. For sketching, Kate is inspired by her motocross enthusiast brother so she's going that route for the challenge. Helen plans to make a three piece outfit while Kunt also aims for a moto jacket with tights. TIGHTS? Karen's idea is to make pants that are fitted with a geometric design because she's universally screwed.

Back at Parsons, the newly dressed designers find some examples of Heidi's designs scattered all about the room. They're confused over why they're there, but I'm pretty sure they're there for a reference that they might need. Tim confirms this, but tells them that they are NOT allowed to cut them up for more fabric. He reminds them that they all have until 11, with the exception of Justin and Tiny Dom who get to stay until midnight. Before they even begin, Prissy Suckup Helen quickly goes off to find Tim to ask a question. Well, I will admit that's kind of smart. She asks him if she's allowed to use the existing pants as a background and Tim thinks it's a good idea... so, did she just repeat what he said about using the clothes as a reference. I don't get it. Kunt whips out his signature stank face, while Inga politely asks Helen what she asked Tim. Helen blows her off by saying that she won't repeat what she said. Um, okay. Relax. You're getting squat after the show, even if you DO win. Kunt feels the need to butt in so he says that to respond in that matter is very shady and, when HE confronts her about it, SHE is the one giving HIM attitude. I don't get it either.

And then it begins, ladies and gentlemen. Kunt turns into an immature prick by the second and Helen, well, she's not that much better. She whines about how, yes, they can use the clothes as a reference (newsflash: They knew that already. You worded it differently). So Kunt becomes a little shit and, to her credit, Helen is keeping calm. She wonders if it'll be Sandro, part 2 (miss him, oddly). Then she yells at him for cursing at her. This is the woman who called Kate a "fucking bitch" or something along those lines and curses quite often, I believe. Again, Kunt refers to himself as a third person. She goes on and on about him being disrespectful (in a room filled with people, mind you) and he says that he doesn't give a fuck. My, how the tables have turned when Kunt was the one saying this to Sandro. Bradon initially thought this was a joke until Kunt began to go a koo-koo. The tirade continues to the point where Kunt threatens Helen so, fearing for her life, she goes to find Tim, again. She doesn't get why he snapped like that but threats aren't to be taken lightly.

Inga, the devil's advocate, points out that Helen normally wanders from table to table asking about garments and such and Kunt called her out on it. Not sure how this fits in but, at this point, I don't care anymore. However, I'm pretty sure no one is going to get shot if they ask meager questions in a competition (but there IS a limit to it). She explains the situation to Tim and he says that she should keep her eyes open for now. Back in the work room, Helen tells Karen how Kunt is crazy, who storms his sassy ass out. Helen reminds everyone that she's here to win and if she's gonna act like a bitch, she's gonna die be a bitch. Kunt goes to talk on the phone in regards to how he "asked" a "simple question" and that Helen "gave [him] attitude". He calls his "spiritual mother" from his church, who gives him a "man up" speech. We get some back story about his sewing history, which once left him living in his car for two months.

Whatever.

 Oh wah, he lived in his car. It's not like he didn't have a home to go to if he needed or that he lost EVERYTHING in a devastating fire that killed his whole family. Then he babbles about how he doesn't judge a book by it's cover (running out of lines, Kunt?) and that he's an independent person. Not even a few seconds after he finishes talking, who should he bump into but Tim! He asks Kunt what's wrong, who bullshits about being tired and was pushed too far by Helen. After another "man up" speech, Tim gets him to apologize to Helen and they hug it out. Because that always works. Tiny Dom buys it and says it was genuine and Helen feels that the win will be better than some petty argument. This is making my head spin.

After a brief recap from Kate, Tim and Heidi arrive to rip the designers to shreds. Kate is nervous because the lady with the prizes is here. Heidi is pleasantly surprised that there is some color instead of just black, which causes Kunt to burst out in laughter because he needs attention to live. Kate is the first victim and Heidi loves the length of the her hoodie. Helen is next and, after some butt talk, Heidi warns her that it's looking very PLAIN. Justin says that he just got used to Tim in the room, now he has to worry about Heidi, who advises him not to make the top so high up that it ruins her favorite body part: The Boobs. Heidi is taken aback by Karen's odd bandeau top, which, once again, matches Karen's colored top. After 54 faces from Heidi, she gives her the harsh truth: It is impossible and no one would buy it. Kate wants to cry for Karen, who now only has three hours to make something fresh.

We breeze through Tiny Dom's skin effect, Alexander's culotte thighs, and Jeremy's sunburn which matches the sneakers. And then there's Kunt, who Heidi thinks he's making a scuba suit. Bradon aims to do a slimming effect and Inga cleans before the two arrive to her space. She actually has run over 50 marathons in her time so Tim thinks she's on familiar ground. Inga reveals another pair of poopy pants, which Heidi questions why would she do ANOTHER pair. Tim is afraid that it might go flat but Heidi admires her guts. Inga is aware that it's a hit or miss at this point so ride or die!

As the models arrive, Kate's concern for Karen grows. Jeremy says that Inga's outfit is hideous, which is pretty much what he says in each episode with some dopey smile on his face. Unfortunately, I kind of agree with him. Helen's crotch on her pants split open and her model jokes about how it could be the wow factor. Bradon is doing yet another technique that he's never tried before while Kunt decides to start over again. He plans to design for the women who are working out to pick up a trick in the gym. Classy, right? Alexander theQueen, however, thinks he's doing just fine considering he's never tackled sportswear before but he's still got a way to go, especially with the jacket. Karen's model is a bit bummed that Karen has nothing for her due to her starting over so Karen decides to make a loose sweater and pants instead as she panics inside.

With 30 minutes to go, Helen wonders why making a three piece was a good idea in the first place. Bradon is worried for Karen but hopes the "Last Minute" fairy will help her through. Karen seals her fate by introducing #iamgoinghome. 11 hits and the designers go home, leaving Justin and Tiny Dom with their extra hour. Nothing interesting happens other than Justin pointing out that the stakes are higher because it's Heidi's line they're working for.

Runway day arrives and Karen wastes no time running around, sewing as fast as she can. Inga is confident in her look but is well aware that there is competition around. She likes Kate and Bradon's looks so they're her top competitors. In the crunch, Karen isn't ready while Kate is blown away by Alexander's pants WHICH HAVE NO OUTSEAM. She doesn't know how that's even possible. Poor Karen is pestered by her model who keeps throwing out suggestions to her but she's just trying to get something ready. Despite how much she's freaking out, Karen looks pretty tame through it all. 30 minutes has Kunt with an unfinished top and Tiny Dom liking Kate's look. 10 minutes has Helen worried over the simple top she made, Justin calling Kunt's look functional but not fashionable, and Inga trying to cheer up Karen, who hopes someone else will suck more than her. Aim for the middle!

Onto the runway. Heidi has borrowed Gwyneth Paltrow's black Oscar dress, bra not included. Our guest judge is former judge, Melonhead Michael Kors, who sells overpriced underwear in Marshall's AND Burlington's. Now, let the Hunger Games show begin.

I'm going to say it now: Pretty much ALL the designs look the same. Kate's edgy, Bradon's very sleek and the colors pop on Ya, while Inga's avant-garde winning design knock off looks meh. And that she placed the pants a bit too low. I felt Prissy Punk Helen's design was kind of dumpy, even with the subtle green on the thighs. Tiny Dom's look is cool but could do without the hat. Justin's jacket is also cool but, being one of the few who made SHORTS, the shorts are kind of skanky short. In order to break the parade of black pants, Jeremy made his purple with a bizarre top. Karen's a bit 80's in a bad way, and it doesn't help her jacket puckers. And Alexander theQueen's colors work well and the fitting is on point. The pants, however, lean into "Mom Jean" land.

Prissy Punk Helen, Karen, Alexander theQueen, Kunt, Inga, and Kate are the highs and lows. Everyone else shuffles into the lounge. Tiny Dom is getting frustrated because she's safe again and can't get critiqued.

THE GOOD

Kate: Heidi liked how everything work but the zipper on the back is odd. Kors like how the zipper changes the look. Nina could take it outside of the gym. Zac admires the flexibility it has from gym to otherwise.

Alexander theQueen: Heidi thinks the pants are very well made and the color blocking works. Hip women would want it. Zac calls it professional but Nina doesn’t like the color block on the pants because it makes his girl look bigger. She does likes the jacket. Kors doesn’t think it’s memorable.

Prissy Punk Helen:  Nina loves that the jacket covers the bottom so well. She would wear this on the plane. Kors loves a cool hybrid and it’s Stevie Nicks active. Zac also loves the jacket and calls it Elvira at the gym. However, he felt the top is an afterthought. Heidi is happy that the jacket was made since it didn’t exist in the work room. It would work well on HSN, says Zac, but Kors reminds her that this is the point when Helen makes a face.

THE BAD

Kunt: Heidi wished it had more fashion and likes the back but it’s boooooooooooring. Zac wished there were more lines in it and Nina thinks the top’s proportion is awkward and is too low as it looks like a scuba suit/girdle. Heidi even mentions that she said that in the work room. Kors calls it a Tina Turner dress (?) and another clearance outfit.

Inga:  Zac doesn’t understand how those pants work and the pants aren’t fresh since she did it before. And the tee looks bad. Nina states that the pants are impractical and she’s seen the shredded look before. Kors says it’s like guy repellant, with the poopy pants, and "Pleasure me" pockets. And he cannot stop laughing because naked ladies make him laugh. Heidi gave her a high score because she likes the poopy-pant look. And says her kids probably can’t watch this episode because of poop references. But it’s her against the judges so Inga might be in trouble.

Karen: Kors calls it buffet on a cruise. It is not athletic and no body would want it. Nina says it’s sad, and her model is sad. The pants are messy as well. Zac thinks the top could have worked but the pants look weird. Heidi wears tops like that but it has to be loose bottom/tight top or vice versa. Karen is complimented for her work, however, for whipping that up in such limited time.

Closer looks don't reveal much so we get straight to it. Alexander theQueen is saved first, which leads to the winner.

Winner: Prissy Punk Helen, who still struggles with being humble. Nina, however, has already ordered the jacket. Helen never expected to win since this is out of her realm but now she feels comfortable in her position in the competition.

Following this, Kate and Inga are swept through.

Bottom: Kunt and Karen
Out: Karen. She saw it coming but feels that Kunt should have been booted because he's been in the bottom so often. Tim regrets that she wasn't on her game this time around and Karen agrees. It's just how the cookie crumbles, she says, but she's just gonna have to move on.

Next time: I slack so much that they're down to the final four, Inga is in trouble, Tim hates something, and Heidi is so unimpressed with what she sees on the runway that she sends the designers BACK up to fix up their designs for a second showing.