My Mother

Dear Mom,

It's been three years since you've passed and I still miss you every single second that passes by. I know you can hear me wherever you are so I know you can hear my thoughts as I write them here.

Mom, I'm tired. There are moments where I wish I could scream if that meant I could get rid of feeling like a wrecked mess. There are moments where I wish tears could flow out of my eyes like a never ending waterfall from the heavens if it meant I could feel better afterwards.

I'm tired of hearing the standard, "She would be so proud of you" because I know the one thing you'll be proud of is how I've managed to live.

I've cut myself. I've turned to alcohol and sleep to numb the pain. There have been many times where I could have welcomed death if it meant I no longer had to deal with going on. The times I wanted to be alone were interrupted, and the times where there was company, I was lonely. It's a struggle to even talk about family: To them. About them. They wonder why I don't talk anymore. I have to keep everything to myself because who knows what will happen if it explodes in their faces. They want me to be happy but it's not like a switch that can be turned on and off so easily. I've tried but they often forget.

Mom, there are moments when I never want to wake up because I just know things. Of what's to come. Of what others know. And I wish it could stop. If there ever was a moment to be cradle in your arms again, I would give up everything for that to happen.

But you wouldn't allow that. You and I know that now I have the loving arms of my family and friends to keep me going. I can't give up on them. I don't want to see them miserable, and I can't lose myself into everything anymore. I would love for things to be different, but that's not a possibility.

I have to move forward and embrace what is to come, even if it means dealing with the dickheads who mess it up.

I feel a lot better after writing this letter. I may get ridiculed for it but people can go fuck themselves. It's time I take back control of me. I know you'd want that.

I love you,

Your beloved son.