As expected, Kendall's on the bottom. And I would've been more surprised to hear she was back on probation if Lifetime didn't spoil the episode by allowing us to know that in the sneak peek. And bumpers. Immediately, Jill-Cher drops her baskets and screams at either loud or louder volumes as Abby explains that, beyond having a psycho mom, Kendall has pretty bad posture and a lack of body awareness. Christi points out Jill-Cher's bitchiness and Abby reeeeeeeeally wishes that she had a picture of Jill to put on the pyramid, since she is the one screwing her daughter over. Kendall begins crying and, while Abby wasn't all too surprised by the She-Beast's reaction, she was devastated by Kendall's since it was NEVER her intention to hurt her in this manner. Jill-Cher grabs poor Kendall and goes on some delusional rant since it's pretty clear she's living vicariously through her kid. In possibly the only honest confessional she's going to have in this episode, Kendall exclaims that she doesn't want to leave since she loves to dance. Poor child...
WELL, after that fiasco, Abby moves along with the ceremony. Paige is on the bottom for forgetting the trio number last week, and Brooke is next because she's a whiny brooding teen who's going to have to fake it 'till she makes it. Mackenzie follows with that she's getting better but should take more ballet classes to work on her technique. In the middle is dream team Chloe and Maddie, the latter who redeemed herself last time. And, because
For the dances this week, Nia will be getting a solo where she'll portray a princess. The group dance will be centered around weddings and marriage and it's called "Head over Heels". Abby has been inspired to do this piece because, well, SOMEONE, a particular mattress, has a bit of a secret that might have to do with this. GEE I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE? Mackenzie questions about if she's a bit too young to be getting married. Melissa reveals that, yes, she's engaged. What a shock. Oh, and Abby wants the dads to be there to cheer them on or, in a way, "give their daughters away." Of course.
In the Mezzanine, the moms discuss Jill-Cher basket moment. They all speculate that she'll go back to her old studio but Melissa's really hoping Jill-Cher will change her mind and return to Abby's, because now she's that slab of meat the moms are going to devour without Jill-Cher around to keep them busy. The moms do praise Kendall in a way since she does deserve better than this. Meanwhile, Nia rehearses her solo and Abby's voice sounds much higher and strained for some reason. The piece is called "I'll do Anything for You" and it's an acro routine, which Nia believes is her strength. Christi points out that not only is Nia on top this week but it's not an ethnic number either, to the delight of Holly. Yay! But, because she needs attention, Melissa is questioned about if Jill-Cher will really come back. So she goes to call her when she notices A TEXT FROM JILL-CHER WAS SENT. The text says that she wants something better for "K" and returning to her old studio. Christi's assumption was right. "Call a spade a spade" says she, along with how she's glad Jill-Cher's gone since she wasn't a fantastic presence towards the kids. Agreed.
During all this, Jill-Cher is still talking (what else is new?) about the blowout and that Kendall should deserve better. All the while, Kendall looks very terrified. Jill-Cher calls up a new studio... called Candy Apples, to see if she'll look at Kendall. Crazy Cathy wants to be sure that Jill-Cher has severed all ties with Abby. Now Kendall REALLY should worry. Free Kendall!!!!!
At the four day mark, Abby works with Mackenzie in the dressing room on her legs while classes go on. She not-so-subtly brings up wedding talk with her, Maddie and Chloe in an attempt to pry some information. Maddie tells us, eerily glumly, that her mom wants to keep the ceremony a bit low key (so let's put this out there on national television). Chloe jokes around some STORY, complete with dramatic accent, before Maddie quickly tells her to shut up. I'm starting to think someone doesn't want her mom to re-marry... Before Abby can ask about the STORY, the girls go to rehearse their solos for the competition (since the focus is on Nia and everything, let's not ruin it with their solos). Before Mackenzie could get a chance to leave, Abby attempts to get her to be a double agent, asking about the STORY. Mackenzie tells us that she doesn't like to tell Abby anything because "she's a blabbermouth." Out of the mouth of babes.
The moms go to Babette's Bridal Shop to get some inspiration for the girls' wedding costumes but, of course, this also translates to "try on as many gowns as humanly possible like theatre students let loose in the costume shop." So I go crazy about playing dress up. Act surprised. Anyway, I love it when the moms are like this. While the married women recount their weddings, Melissa says she doesn't want a new poofy gown for this wedding. Oh shut up. Kelly's the first to try on a gown but, um, well... she's not wearing underwear. Of course. Christi doesn't get why Melissa wants to keep this engagement under wraps SINCE WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT ANYWAY. What a snatch that Melissa is.
At Candy Assholes, Kendall and the Succubus arrive. Jill's nervous but wants to be a place where Kendall (well, mostly Jill-Cher) while Crazy Cathy is thrilled since she's a... well, it's a four lettered word that's a little to harsh to post, but it starts with a C. Jill-Cher already panics over wearing shoes on the floor, which Cathy shoots down by saying she has a cleaning lady to clean the floors. I'm livid by this and Cathy should be stripped of her title of "dance coach". You see, not only are floors expensive, but shoes have dirt and grit in it that, if a bare foot dances on that, then blood would spread across the floor, which can't be cleaned like other floors. Just who did Cathy have to bang to be a "Dance coach"? I'm serious. Jill-Cher thinks this will be a great experience for Kendall as she auditions and that this is Cathy's way of appreciating them. I'm calling bullshit but who cares now.
In the merry old land of Pittsburgh, the girls rehearse the wedding dance some more. A brief piss match over Mackenzie's top and whether or not she has puppy or bat silhouettes on it (who cares?!), Abby discusses costumes. They're going the whole nine yards with this costume, complete with nosegays and garters. In a way, says Abby, the dads will be there to give away their daughters to their husbands, Dance (and, with Abby's methods, I wouldn't be surprised if "Dance" really turned out to be "Earl".) Mackenzie, ever the smart one, doesn't want to marry dance. Actually, she'd rather marry Justin Bieber. Or, as I lovingly refer to the artist, Justine Bieber. Points taken from Mackenzie.
While Abby complains about the dads whining about dance ('cause they're men and have testosterone and got married and had kids and have penises and everything), the big question comes direct from Quip Queen Christi: Who is Melissa going to bring? The daddy or the sugardaddy? (200 points for that one). Turns out Kurt (the old husband) is busy for this piece (he's partying or something) and Greg (the mysterious pimp) won't be attending because it'll be too weird. RATS! The moms are now really confused and Kelly doesn't get why Melissa gets all crazy by the sound of Kurt's name being said. I wonder how she might react watching an episode of Glee. The moms discuss the costumes and I think Melissa thinks these are the best costumes yet. In the Mezzanine, she half-jokingly states she should've had them torn up her old dress to make the costumes. Oh, and NO NEW DRESSES FOR HER as the other moms protest since it's a memory she might pass on to her daughters (well, aside from their time being berated by Jabba the Lee anyway).
Meanwhile, I think the extra special guest, Abby's Humanity, has returned for an Emmy nomination.
Over in the not-so-pleasant land of Canton, Jill-Cher continues the cycle of deja-vu of introducing herself to the Apple Moms with her 900 number voice. They don't know what they're getting themselves into. She talks about things being a battlefield but, for some reason, I stopped paying attention. The moms celebrate the newbie by drinking apple cider, because Crazy Cathy is a total poser: She tries to pass off as rich but really is cheap trash. While Kendall rehearses, Jill-Cher opens her mouth to tell us that she didn't think Kendall wasn't dancing with Abby (then what WAS she doing in her solos, groups, and trio? WALKING?). Crazy Cathy and her methods of delusion tells us that nice corrections lead to nice results. She says this as Kendall demonstrates one of the most sloppiest aerials I have ever seen her do. In the Mom holding room, the cool-looking mom who, I deduce, is the mother to Justice, the boy on the Apple team, and who I'll call Rhea until I find out her real name, asks Jill-Cher if the other moms from Abby's know she's there. Nope, says the big mouth. Meanwhile, Cathy Hannigan learns from Kendall that Nia's on top of the pyramid and, for a while, I wondered how did she know that until I remembered, duh, Jill-Cher and Melissa's friendship means leaked information. Anyhow, Nia and Kendall would be going head to head (sure), Jill-Cher believes Abby's gonna miss Kendall, and I could feel my IQ dropping in the worst possible way.
Nia rehearses her solo as the moms question Melissa's engagement. Is that huge rock on her hand for real or out of "friendship
It's time for the competition as Abby pushes her dog, Broadway Baby, in a pink stroller (my dad, who watches this show with me and possibly questions my sanity, said that dog was the ugliest thing he has ever seen). She's greeted with open arms and everything due to her reputation and that everyone loves (to hate) her. Soon, the Crapples arrive with Vivi wearing some hideous hat that her mother probably forced her to wear. Jill-Cher's nervous about this (more deja-vu) and is worried that Christi and Kelly will shoot her with a shotgun. I would pay BIG MONEY to see that happen. In the Assles' dressing room, Cathy wants to go over Kendall's solo and makeup while Jill-Cher wants Abby to see what she made her do (Is that a threat? Because it sounds more like a cry for help. I mean, winning numbers from Jabba the Lee or 8th place with the Apples?). Jill-Cher notes the different mood change and my brain cells began to commit suicide until she notes how horrendous and tasteless the makeup is on this team. I mean, purple eyeshadow with an orange outfit? That was horrible enough in the 80's. Just how delusional IS Cathy?
During a staged meeting between the teams, Cathy becomes a nasty bitch in two seconds by criticizing Abby rolling Broadway Baby around in a stroller. Of course, Abby didn't
Backstage, Nia and Kendall have a civil chat because they're still kids. In the confessional, Kendall proves she's being fed her lines since she's basically repeating everything her mother says in a stoic tone. After telling us she's nervous, Ms. Nia, the princess, goes first. It's a little shaky but she's a brilliant actress. Holly thought she was wonderful and cries out of pride for her daughter. Aww. Even Abby thought she was wonderful but needed technique, but I'll let that slide since Nia's fantastic. Kendall's next and Abby's enjoying the routine... because Jabba the Lee recognizes that IT'S HER CHOREOGRAPHY AND HER COSTUME. That made me laugh, especially since I kind of sided with her since Cathy obviously can't do anything in a week. I also questioned Nia and Kendall being in the same category. I mean, wouldn't they be in separate ones since Nia's about 10 and Kendall's 8? *shrugs* Anyway, the mood in the ALDC dressing room is loving as Nia is congratulated for her beautiful solo. It's a sweet scene.
Before the Wedding dance, Christi is seen calling Mark, her husband, wondering if he can make it. He can't but Chloe doesn't mind. She understands why he can't come. What a sweet kid she is! Melissa throws a bouquet for kicks and Chloe and Paige battle it out like real bridesmaids at a wedding over it in a hysterical manner. Mackenzie has a hissy fit because she's 7 and didn't catch the damn thing so Melissa tries to cheer her up by being a stage mom. Mackenzie loses more points by stating she's "emotional". Oh brother... she does wish her dad was there but Lifetime-movie-in-the-making Maddie doesn't tell us what she thinks. The brides go to dance and it's a pretty solid piece. Mackenzie wins back some points by saying, "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride".
The Candy Assholes, always one to attempt one-up-man-ship, do the exact opposite of ALDC and dance a piece about a funeral. Oh God almighty. Again, the WOMEN of the group dance all pretty like but the CHILDREN of the group (Vivi, Justice, and some little girl who appears to be about 4) only walk onstage, raise their arms, and walk off. Because Cathy would do anything to beat JTL. It is cheesier than cheese. Cathy, My Chemical Romance called. They want their (better executed) concept back.
At awards, The Wedding piece takes the overall junior group prize. Yay! Unfortunately, Kendall wins the solo category and Holly feels she was set up. She feels Nia was a pawn for this competition (by that, she means the Kendall vs. Nia bullshit) and that this was everything for her. Poor Nia is devastated and I'm pretty sure it's not just the snub, it's because she was snubbed and her father was there too. Her parents comfort her to the best of their ability and it's pretty touching, until JTL come billowing in and tells her to stop being so emotional. Meanwhile, Crazy Cathy gives Jill-Cher an official (and Godawful) Apple's jacket. It's a denim jacket with a Bedazzled apple on the back that is so hideous, the 80's would burn it. Jill-Cher speaks about no probation and I flurgerhen butter laura ibsen condelleeza shwarmy pormy soup.
Oh, hey, I found some brain cells! Holly is livid about this whole thing. It wouldn't matter if it was Abby, she's used to that, but when she discovered a former member would go against HER daughter for drama, that was the last straw. She leaves after she expresses disgust about this situation to a somewhat concerned Abby. Then, the Apples confront Abby once again. Cathy makes the laughably-wrong statement that there WILL be a day when they'll win (when hell freezes over). I'm pretty sure Rhea was standing in the middle to referee since that was the only interesting thing during this fight. Abby brings up Cathy stealing her choreography while Cathy does either a tap-dance/the Soulja boy dance to tell Abby she wouldn't want to steal her choreography. Because she's definitely that mature to do that.
Next Week: Abby plans a Showgirls dance, complete with
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