Before she announces the group number, Abby reminds the girls (for the first of many times this episode) that they are very, VERY lucky to have such fabulous homes and clothes and things. But some kids (or people. LIKE ME.) aren't so lucky. And others are, well, in the pits. This week, only Maddie (allegedly) will have a solo. Abby wants to shake things up so the trio will consist of Maddie, Chloe and NIA! Abby feels that Nia needs this chance to prove herself. Nia tells us that she wants to prove to Abby that she can work with other people, that she can work in trios, and, most importantly, that she can dance. NEVER CHANGE, NIA.
The competition this week is called Company Dance (I think), and will be held in Chicago. Because nothing would be more complete, Abby grimly announces that the Candy Apples will be competing there as well. And they will NOT lose to those mediocre women! And so, they go off to rehearse. The music is called "Trapped" and the piece this week is about a homeless girl (Maddie) that the rest of the team try to help out of a funk. Ugh, while I get she's trying to raise awareness through dance (children missing/suicide, bullying, now this), Abby Lee is no Oprah. But anyway, for a change, Christi and the moms don't have any negatives to say about this piece (and, shockingly, neither do I), so we can breathe easily. For a while anyway. Christi and Kelly makes plans to go out and hit some bars in Chicago (natch) when Holly makes her grand entrance. While Christi is wondering just what has happened to Abby and assumes pod person theories, Nia is signing her mother something very wonderful by pointing to herself and holding three fingers. Holly guesses "Me. Three." and GLOWS. I love seeing her get excited over things like this, mostly because she's the good mom. But why weren't you here before? Well, Holly had to tie up some loose ends at the school and has decided to take a year long leave of absence. WHY HOLLY?! WHHHHHHYYYYYYY?! It's mostly due to family issues. Don't forget, Holly has two other children to take care of besides Nia so this should work out fine. Before Kelly can protest about HER family, Christi reminds her that, quite simply, she's not Holly. And the lightbulb turns on as she laughs.
Time for the Crapples. Cathy has decided to pit her best reasonably aged dancer, Justice (the red head kid) against Maddie. Because that's going to turn out well. I mean, considering that her girls are either old enough to drink or Vivi, there's no other choice. Her group number will be a dark piece about clowns. Taylor will be a tightrope walker because she has wonderful grand jetes. Because tightrope walkers do grand jetes, of course. At least the makeup won't be too much of a stretch for the spray-painted apples. Cathy then calls Abby a clown (pot kettle black) and once again stresses Justice is going against Maddie. This is the one time I pray that she wins. Or, at least, wipes the floor with him.
Back in Pittsburgh, Abby and Gia! work on the homeless number costumes. Abby is relieved that the costumes, simple sky blue dresses, won't need that much work and that homeless clothes aren't that difficult to achieve (roll around in dirt and presto!). Gia! confesses that Nia is a mess in rehearsal and Abby feels bad because she doesn't want to embarrass Nia but this might get Holly to shut up for a while. Or something. Then Gia! brings up Melissa and how she will choke a bitch. Abby whines about the moms picking on Melissa like they're all in junior high and how she's going to go insane from it. Bish, please. Speaking of, the main sucking up Snatches, Jill-Cher and Melissa Supersnatch, meet up for lunch but I tuned out the entire conversation because you could hear my brain cells dying. In short, Jill-Cher's lost some weight, the drive is long, Mel whines about the moms being nosy, Jill-Cher scoffs that they have no personal lives. It's so smug and petty and delusional, I was ready to punch them in the face so hard they're gonna NEED plastic surgery.
The trio rehearses their modern jazz number. Holly tells us that though Nia's nervous, she's still excited to be in the trio. She reminds us that she has done duets before (like last season with the Snake Charmer routine she danced with Mackenzie and wiped the floor with Vivi and Justice) and, of course, the group but Holly's worried that Nia will be seen as a weak link. Nevertheless, Holly wants Nia to do well. In Ohio, Crazy Banshee rehearses her group number "Ode to a Clown". She describes it as a dark satire and slow motion moving is involved. Or something. Again, at least they're used to wearing too much ugly makeup. She dismisses the group but keeps Vivi in the room after she attempts to escape with the crowd. FREE VIVI!!!
More trio rehearsing ensues but while Holly and Kelly discuss lunch, Christi inquires about Melissa's ring, because it is in no way spurred on by the producers. The moms are concerned over Melissa's weird behavior since normal human beings are typically excited about being engaged. But Melissa is a snatch so that's typical. However, when Holly innocently asks about how her girls are feeling, she goes batshit. Melissa the raging bitch with the maturity level of a 4 year old decides to barge into the rehearsal and, not letting Abby get a word in edgewise, decides that her kids won't compete that weekend. Poor Maddie begins crying and becomes defiant of her mother, claiming that she's going to compete anyway, especially since her mother's a total nutjob. Melissa the C*nt allows Abby to assume responsibility for Maddie, who is sobbing in her arms, then grabs Mackenzie because she remembered that she's her other daughter (or thought she was Maddie, who knows). Mackenzie asks about Maddie but Melissa blows that question off like it's her pimp. Christi is totally confused, since all they were doing was asking. Poor Holly laments that she didn't mean to cross a line, if there was any. Abby reverts to Jabba the Lee and demands that the girls tell their moms to keep their mouths shut. Like they have any control over that. Luckily, Christi has become aware enough to know when JTL is going to take shit on their children and the remaining moms go to take their kids out before it gets any worse. Kelly leads the attack by shouting at Abby. And Holly reflects on how poor of a teacher Abby is.
Now, normally my dad would say that all these moms should be arrested but, after watching this shitshow, if any of these moms should lose custody of their kids, it definitely should be Melissa.
Well, the next day Melissa returns and Abby just glosses over it. Kelly calls Melissa one really juicy word in the confessional but I didn't catch it and wish I could use it in my vocabulary. Christi points out the double standard between Abby towards Melissa and Abby towards the other moms, but no time to go into detail about that obvious fact. The group rehearses again and Abby wants Maddie to practically embody Sylvia Likins, but you know, instead of being beaten in a basement, she'll have help. At the end of the number, Mackenzie will represent another homeless girl, to show the grim truth that it's still happening. In the Observe-bitching Mezzanine, Melissa the Supersnatch tells the moms about her dinner date with Jill-Cher. Holly confessionalizes about the moms atypical friendship and how Melissa practically whitewashes all the shit she stirs to make it seem like nothing happened. Melissa does know she's on a television show where ALL OF THIS IS RECORDED, RIGHT?! As Madame Delusional tells about Kendall's experience at Candy Assholes, Christi shoots down any praise since Jill-Cher only dragged her there because she wasn't the big fish in the small pond anymore. Then some Maddie solo stuff, where she'll be doing a Snow White influenced number, and we're on our way.
Competition time has finally arrived. Abby claims the judges know who she is, the Crapples arrive, and other stuff happens but I tuned that out. The stage is nice, by the way. The solos are first and Maddie goes up. Now, I've definitely seen that costume in the second episode this season (when Brooke went against 27 year old Erica) so I'm pretty sure this is one of those cases where Abby's recycling a solo LIKE A SMART PERSON. Crazy Cathy (or Abby, I forget) tells us that she's planning to force Maddie to see what happens when a technical boy goes against her. You know, her "nemis." Maddie is worried because she's competed against boys before and they're incredibly good. Like a broken record, Maddie dances beautifully but the acting is ho-hum. Justice is next but he's kind of flat and in desperate need of a haircut.
The trio is next. Melissa talks but I shut her out of my head, Nia's excited but finds it difficult to keep up with the juggernauts that are Chloe and Maddie. Christi's apprehensive and hopes Nia doesn't screw up. Abby kind of earned a few bitch points by saying her favorite part of the piece was the ending since that meant IT WAS OVER. Now, this is one of the pieces I watched before this episode so, in my opinion, Nia's a mess but makes up for it with her energy, Maddie's just there and Chloe is sensational. Awards time sees Maddie winning for her solo (duh), but the trio didn't win the overall placement. Actually, they didn't place but Chloe's confident they'll get 'em next time. Christi believes the trio didn't place because Abby didn't focus on it too much, which is plausible.
The moms have a few hours to kill before the next number so they head out for some food at a pizzaria. Since Melissa will show up later, Christi takes this opportunity to discuss Melissa's blowout, which is really about THE CEASE AND DESIST LETTERS THEY ALL GOT FROM HER ATTORNEY. Really, I'm pretty sure the poor attorney was trying hard to not laugh when writing that out. Anyway, she's threatening legal action if the other moms don't butt out. But, since this is national television, this means Melissa should be sending out letters to all those who watch this program. I'm still waiting for mine to arrive. Bitch. Anyway, they find that it's uncalled for, not to mention totally ridiculous. Last season she gave Kelly sex toys for her birthday but her third marriage is considered taboo? Did I mention she's a total bitch? WELL! Kelly is hurt by Melissa's actions, Christi has seen ALL the sides of Melissa, and Holly is completely offended. Well said, ladies. Now for the petulant teenaged mom to enter the scene for a drink. No time for her to be faux-humble as Holly, in a moment of the most subtle, ultimate and greatest moment of pure cattiness (I refuse to associate Holly as a female dog), whips out the letter for Melissa, who launches into denial mode. She claims she has never seen that letter (or something like that) and that her lawyer must of done something something. It's official: Melissa has the brain capacity of Jiggly Caliente.
Time now for the groups, both of which I watched through Youtube. As the official goes to fetch the group, Abby reminds them for what could be the trillionth time that they're up against the Candy Asshole and her dancers who should be with someone better. Speaking of, Crazy Cathy is excited over her "original" number. I'm sure Tim Burton, Pennywise and Cirque Du Soleil have nothing to do with the inspiration. Holly confessionalizes about how she's nervous because the groups this time around are one powerful batch (sans Apples of course). The Homeless Number is up first. The edit in the episode makes Maddie look like a meerkat as she can't act to save her life and the number looks kind of polished. Abby loves the number, saying it was seemless. I'd like to know what she's huffing because it looks a bit sloppy in the video. Just a teeny bit though. Anyway, the full length version is far out enough to not look at what weird expression Maddie has on her face this time but definitely showcases all the girls' abilities (I love Brooke in this number). Of course, the one caveat is having Mackenzie do acro for only 10 seconds and that's at the end of the piece. Could explain why the moms don't bring up the whole "Age level" thing. Regardless, I think this is one of the better routines this season so the moms cheering big time was well deserved.
Time now for the Candy Apples totally (un)original "Ode to a Clown". I'll critique the full length version first. I didn't really think it was too interesting (Neither did Abby but I'll get there soon) but I did like the theme and the song. The costumes and choreography, eh, not so much. Actually, the choreography is a bit of a mess (shocker) and that's BEFORE Taylor busts her ankle after doing one of her "beautiful" grand jetes Cathy was gushing about earlier. And that was near the beginning of the piece. And I don't need to tell you that it's basically just the WOMEN dancing most of the time (this time with Kendall), Justice doing some things, Vivi on, Vivi off, Vivi does some half-assed thing with her arms. Same old, same old. In the episode, Abby says she didn't think too much of the number and makes a guess that it's about a dark circus. Cathy (I think) notices that Taylor is behind the others slightly and Kelly also notices that the group is off a little bit (REALLY? They're always like that!) Then Taylor stumbles, falls, and (smartly) limps off stage. Poor thing is in serious pain and is carried off by one of the people working. As Taylor tells Cathy it feels like she broke it, Cathy blows that off thinking Taylor's overreacting. She then criticizes Taylor for screwing up the timing. Uh, Cathy, REAL dance teachers worry about their students before their pieces in times like these. And you are by no means a dance teacher in this instance. And placing an ice pack on a twisted/broken ankle won't work, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! Taylor is then placed on a stretcher and rushed to the hospital. Since she might be out for the rest of the season, Cathy considers plugging in Kendall in Taylor's spots for the routines, which Jill-Cher secretly smirks over. Hmmm...
Group awards. Abby's gets third but one of the moms thinks that it deserved the win (eh, so-so agreement on that one). Cathy speaks but I tuned her out over her disregard for Taylor's ankle. Abby's still happy despite the placing because, in any case, THEY STILL BEAT THE CRAPPLES! They beat that worm Cathy and that's all that matters. Well, Ms. Hannigan herself comes in just to remind us she still exists with a present in her hands. It's for Melissa, because Cathy's heard about her engagement and wanted to give her
Next time on Dance Moms: The theme of ankle busting continues with Nia (sobs), Kelly considers getting a boob job "to round out her butt", and Chloe forgets her routine AGAIN. And I'm going to be crying the whole night that night.
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