Dance Moms: Prostitots, the "Showgirls" Edition

Coming off the heels of the drama from last week, it's nice to hear Abby start off today's pyramid with glowing praise for the Wedding Dance win at Fire and Ice. She starts of the pyramid quickly (or I may have missed something while writing notes, I'm not too sure) with Paige at the bottom. She's not correcting her arms and they need to be much stronger. Brooke is next (complete with Kelly bitching about how her kids are at the bottom as per usual because THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING) and Abby yells at her SMILE DAMN IT. She really wants to give Brooke more solos but her brooding attitude is preventing her from doing that. Mackenzie is next because she's not at the level Maddie was at at her age (7) but Mackenzie isn't too bummed out by the snub. She's such a good kiddo. Chloe begins the middle as she needs to be a stronger competitor. Nia follows as Abby asks about how did she think about her solo. Nia thought she did pretty well but needs improvement and Holly is asked the same question, where she says she was very pleased. Abby thinks Nia a fantastic entertainer and that's her strength. Maddie's finally back on top after god knows how long so she can probably stop threatening her mother at gunpoint as Abby notes Maddie is a born leader and loves to dance. Note that none of the girls celebrate her return to the top.

For the competition this week, they're competing at Fire and Ice again. Before anyone has a chance to get confused, Abby explains that Fire and Ice is doing something new and adding an "Elite" version of the competition which is invitation only. Chloe and Maddie will be doing solos and everyone will be in the group this week. It's centered about showgirls (to which they cheer) but Abby wants the audience to think they are NUDE (to which everyone's jaw drops). Christi laments that no one would want to see their 10 year old dance naked in front of everyone and Macks innocently states that she doesn't want to be naked. Abby describes it as literally being a fan dance and the bigger the fan, the more coverage and she whines about how the moms are always upset by the more risque dances. UH, I WONDER WHY, FATTY PATTY? She then states she's the only professional in the room (and no one laughs this out of their system).

You know, with the booty shorts and inappropriate costumes and nude illusions, I would KILL to be at Abby's on the sole principle that I could parade around in skimpy clothes and not get in trouble for it. Here, in the theatre circuit, it's kind frowned upon (by 2 people. First world problem).

The Showgirls routine, titled "Fan-tastic" begins. Abby tells us that she's always wanted to work with big obnoxious fans as they are rich, exciting, and (my least favorite word ever), FUN! In the Observe-bitching mezzanine, the moms dish out on the whole "Nude" aspect of the dance. Holly understands pushing boundaries but this? THIS? NAKED KIDS? Yeah, that's waaaaaaaay too far! Christi tells Kelly about how people wonder why they drink. To change the topic, Melissa the Snatch brings up when they all wore the wedding dresses last week, but particularly gushes about Holly in the gown because, well, she's Holly and suggests she renew her vows. Complete with a party. Mel, honey, we all know you're getting married, don't try to bring up new plot lines. Some quick rehearsal shots to show that the girls are still living and Melissa announces she has to go pee like a racehorse. As she whizzes, Christi finds it very odd that the mattress would bring up Holly renewing her vows BUT nothing about her own engagement. Holly finds it to be fishy, Christi thinks Melissa thinks they're stupid and Kelly wonders why wouldn't she tell them since they're her friends and all. At any rate, Kelly brings up plan B: Crash the wedding. Good plan.
The rehearsals continue until 10 at night. Someone (I think either Kelly or Abby, I forget) notes that, while they may be working too hard, this is how they win (it has to be Abby). Now, I've done many a rehearsal where we've gone from 10 to 10 but that's because I was old enough to take it all. These kids ARE ONLY 10. They're practically babies! But, oh no, it just gets better. THE BITCH KEEPS THE SPEDS TO PRACTICE MORE. She lets the other girls who have the piece down home, which leaves Brooke, Paige and I think Nia to perfect it until 11 at night. Now I'm pretty sure that's illegal to do but, then again, what do I know? Poor Paige is exhausted and cranky. She's practically sleeping standing up. Honey, I feel your pain. This reminds me of the time I was in a production of Sweeney where we spent an entire tech rehearsal on ACT ONE. All I remember was the next day, my acting professor felt bad for me as I was practically wiped out and fell asleep in a chair almost immediately. I think she let the class (consisting of two other guys) go free because of it. She's such a great professor. Anyway, memory lane is finished. Paige is worried about her singing test at school the next day and Kelly does her best to keep her calm while Jabba the Lee shouts at them to get in there to spruce up the number.

At Cathy's abode in Ohio, we FINALLY meet her husband, Mike, and I'm most positively certain that he is closeted. Crazy Cathy tells us he's running a beef jerky store and it's a new business venture for him. He serves Vivi her cereal and, truth me told, I can't stand seeing anyone eat cereal. I don't know why but, when I do, I want to throw up. Literally. Vivi eating her breakfast nearly did that for me. Mike wants to film a commercial to promote the business and they think they should use Cathy's kids in the commercial, including Vivi, who doesn't voice her opinion. Dance for jerky! FREE VIVI.

It's the three day mark for the ALDC girls and the huge pink fans arrive so the girls can work with them, since Abby is not only the queen of ethnic dances, she is the queen of burlesque as well. Someday, she says, one of these girls will be a stripper showgirl. Yep, that's REALLY dreaming big. However, I do enjoy the phrases Abby uses so the girls can execute the emotions accurately (or something). They go along the lines of "You can't have me! You can't afford me!" Words I say every single day. Paige says that she's a fan of the fans (not her words) because she's never really worked with them before. The moms express that being a showgirl just might have been on of Abby's dream. But I think we stop short of visualizing Melissa as a showgirl when the question is asked if Maddie likes dancing naked. WTF? No, says Mel. THANK GOODNESS. Abby teaches the girls this really weird reveal move that they repeat seventy times and Christi thinks it's too much and I think I'm getting extremely uncomfortable. Then Kelly (I think) says that Abby's imagining she's naked underneath the fans. KELLY, STOP IT RIGHT NOW, YOU STRANGE PERVERTED WOMAN!!! Mackenzie does her thing in the dance and the moms all cringe.

We go off to the CLOTHED rehearsals, which are the solos. Maddie's solo, a lyrical number, is titled "I'm Already There". Naturally, she loves it and Abby says this is choreography that is beyond her age level of 9 but she's still doing the same old moves. Melissa really loves the song but I didn't really listen to her because she was basically sucking up to the audience. Chloe's next and she's doing a piece called "The Raven." OOooooooooooooOoo (well, I've already established my love for ravens back in a Project Runway post). Abby says that while Chloe's a great dancer, she's always in Maddie's shadow so she's giving her a dark piece to utilize her acting strengths. You do your thing, girl.

Over in Ohio, we find that this jerky store is conveniently located next to the Crapple's studio. Because Cathy truly is a lunatic. Her beard husband brings her lunch and they talk about the commercial. He says it's going to cost about a cool $100,000 to produce so Cathy thinks it's a good idea to offset some of the money by letting her take control of the commercial. She claims she has the experience to makes things fabulous. Keep in mind, the woman wears dead Muppets as fashion and has her girls spray paint their faces and tries to pass it off as makeup. Looking at her computer's wallpaper, I'm almost positive it's a picture of THE (ONCE) UNDEFEATED TRIO OF SACRED GROUND from last season, so it's a possibility that this woman is insanely obsessed with Abby. Cathy says she needs a star but I was distracted by other things. My theory about her husband being so far in the closet is solidified when they air kiss.

It's costume time for the moms in Pittsburgh. The tops are pulled out but Holly shoots them down by saying that they're practically band-aids. Even Mackenzie doubts the flesh toned tops by asking how will it fit her and that it would fit her American Girl dolls better. LMAO! After a suck up by Melissa, Nia showcases the costume, where she thinks that she feels beautiful and her body looks pretty in it but I was too busy weeping. It's really a flesh toned bra with white booty shorts (natch) and, while Christi doesn't think they're that bad, but their fathers would murder them if they saw them dressed like this. Abby says the bras will be bedazzled to spruce it up a bit. She tells us that it's about the ILLUSION of nudity since we all know they're wearing tops. They're going to be covered and it's going to be harmless. I'm pretty sure the pedobears in the audience will be thinking the same thing.

Crazy Cathy calls Christi to see if Chloe will be in the commercial. While Christi isn't her most favorite person in the world, she does know Chloe has video experience due to her starring status in the MAJOR MUSIC VIDEO from last season. Christi furthers my "Homo-Husband" theory by telling Cathy that she remembers her telling her about her husband, the SAUSAGE KING OF OHIO. I spat out my drink. Cathy needs her to make a decision NOW but Christi is going to give her the benefit of the doubt since last time Crazy Cathy PUSHED HER. Meanwhile, her hair changes, like, three times in each confessional. Nice editing, you guys.
At the two day mark, Kelly suggests throwing a surprise engagement party for Melissa, since we all know about it and Kelly hasn't thrown a party in three episodes. She ponders about how, since they're all friends, they should be excited for her but why does she want to be so secretive about it. Anyway, Holly's for the idea. Kelly asks "What's a perfect gift for someone who doesn't want attention?" Her answer: A male stripper of course! Since she's the voice of reason and has a respectable job, Holly will chaperone the kids out of the room while the rest of the moms have fun with the poor soul who will strip for them. Holly believes Melissa would be upset by this but, hey, you'll never know.

It's commercial time! The Apple's are in those hideous cowboy costumes and the cameraman is getting pissed at Powercrazy Cathy. Christi and Chloe arrive after the 2 1/2 hour drive (yes, I had to look it up. How sad is that? Almost as sad as reading that the Candy Apple's Dance studio is the "Only #1 Studio!" in the county. WHICH IS IT?) and Christi is really hoping she's doing the right thing. Of course not but still. Oh, and when does Chloe wear glasses? Cathy wants the costume to be Gaga-ish so she channeled the Meat dress and came up with a poorly constructed dish rag that is a body suit with jerky glued to it. It is the most disgusting, horrifying thing that I have ever seen and I'm so sorry poor Chloe had to wear that AND put up with Cathy. Christi's professionalism is keeping her from clocking Cathy square in the face but, MAN, that is one fugly costume. Then again, this was expected of trashy Cathy: To belittle Chloe I mean. Poor Christi notes how degrading it is to go from the glammed up music video to wearing a unitard from a retard. Yeah, I went there. But Chloe is getting TONS of points for putting up with this like a trooper. Christi is just telling herself this is just a job but she can't believe Chloe's missing slut practice for this.

Speaking of, Abby still can't notice anyone's missing from this group until a good half hour into the rehearsal but, unlike Brooke (most likely because this is the two day mark, not the night before), she simply pushes through. Weird. And she knocks Maddie for doing ponies instead of something else. But that is all that happens there.

We return to the Fire and Ice competition, where Abby stresses the team HAS to win. And they're gonna do it AGAIN. But, the best part of this competition: It's invite only and that means NO CANDY APPLES. There is a god after all. And I actually agree with her wish of banning the Crapples from any competition they attend. But, before any nonsense can happen, let's look at the professional commercial Chloe took part in. Basically, there is absolutely no dancing whatsoever and Chloe's featured for about 2 seconds, about a second longer than even Vivi (FREE VIVI!!!). The woman who trained Ditz (Miranda. She's the girl with the longest hair.) Abby isn't surprised by Crazy Cathy "soliciting" Chloe and basically treating her like a pile of dirt. Then Jabba the Lee proceeds to bash Chloe for the embarrassing commercial as Chloe tries her hardest not to cry. Christi regrets the whole commercial thing but, hey, a story has to happen somehow. Long story short: Another pissing match between Abby and Christi and Christi is offended that Abby called her a weirdo (because other four letter words aren't as harsh as "weirdo") as I pray that Chloe does well, considering she tells us that she gets super nervous whenever Abby yells at her a lot.

By the way, My brain and I are very grateful that Jill-Cher is nowhere to be found this episode so I don't have to throw my drink at the screen.

Time for THE RAVEN. Chloe enjoys it when she gets to be intense in her dances and Christi likes how Chloe can be a total contrast of her actual, sweet self. Do I really need to say that I'm in love with this solo? Abby liked it too but, as always, it could've been better. Of course. Maddie and her totally tubular 80's dress. Chloe tells us that Maddie inspires her to be a better dancer due to the heavy competition implied between them. As always, Maddie does well with her goofy competition face and standard aerials and moves. Abby says she makes it look easy but I say, "Oh come on..."

On to the showgirls routine. Chloe expresses that she's never really done anything like THIS before and begins to giggle about being nekkid while wearing clothes. Because naked is still funny to kids, unlike adults. We just insist on it. But still, this just isn't Chloe's episode. They finally goes but it starts off kind of sloppy and the moms cringe. Abby proudly states that the moms better keep their mouths shut about this, as it's obvious she's confidant they'll win. Cue the JUDGES cringing at the piece. It's a mess and Mackenzie doesn't make the piece that much better. Melissa continues to be a grating snatch and sucks up some more and dances in the audience. Holly tells us she could hear audience members hollering at her 10 year old daughter and has never felt so offended before. Christi sums it up the best: "First the meat suit, now this..." Brooke thought they did well and she liked the bras, but I think even she couldn't say that with a straight face. Abby's land of delusion continues as she thought there was NOTHING nasty about it and, if she were a betting woman, she'd bet this could win. I'll take the Vegas odds on that one.

Awards time begins with the solos. Chloe gets second place and Maddie wins overall. Act surprised. Oh, and hi Gia!! Christi and Kelly dash off to get the greenroom ready for the surprise party so they can make it back in time for the group awards. Christi opens a champagne bottle like a pro but that's not nearly as interesting as hearing that THIS IS MELISSA'S THIRD MARRIAGE?! The two just want to let loose and Christi tells us they're always looking for an excuse for fun. Because that's not surprising either. You know what else was to be the cherry on top of the sundae of predictability? The group not winning. Well, Abby's not too bummed about it. Like a good sport (I think I had a stroke), she tells us that it's not always about winning but it's about teaching the team something new. Of course. Melissa chalks up the loss by saying that there were many talented groups there. I'll bet the skankiness of the routine has nothing to do with the loss.

The party doesn't really go off as planned and Melissa is crestfallen. She's never told anyone she was getting married (YOU TOLD THE ENTIRE NATION LAST WEEK, YA DUMB SLUT). Then the "heating man" comes in and Holly goes according to plan to escort the kids out to wash off all that makeup. Melissa's shocked and thinks this is trashy but I guess this is where Maddie's "humble" attitude comes from. She leaves. Christi calls her a hypocrite. Agreed. Well, it was nice to see Abby let loose and get a lap dance from the guy and she practically has a BALL! Now, I would regret saying any of that but, eh, she wasn't so irritating this episode and the stripper wasn't even that hot.

Next week: The girls head down to Miami, Paige goes to see a doctor, Holly drives off after a heated argument with Abby and Cathy sets Kendall up for failure by giving her an opportunity.