Before the pyramid, I notice that Melissa, Supersnatch Extraordinaire, is wearing her boots on the $68,000 dance floor. And Abby doesn't call her out for it? And so begins the double standard theme of the evening. Abby starts off the grand pyramid ceremony by talking about the fantastic homeless piece last week and the simple yet gorgeous costumes and everything. She does note how Maddie was nervous about competing against boys last week (including Justice, who was just meh at best) but she wiped the floor with them anyway. Nia, however, was a beat or so behind the trio due to technical training she hasn't quite mastered yet but, luckily for all, Nia understands what Abby is saying (or, smartly, says yes just to shut her up. Nice thinking).
Pyramid begins with Chloe at the bottom but, before I go on a seething rage rant, how about I calm down a bit and gush about her abs in a not-so-creepy-but-totally-is manner by saying how jealous I am of them? Needless to say...
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| Not even close. |
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| JEALOUS. |
Abby wants more from her since she's one of the top dancers in her studio. She's doing this to light a fire under Chloe's butt and how it's all about Abby. Of course it is. Nia is next for the trio business and Paige rounds out the bottom because, although she did a great job, Abby wants more from her too. Kelly, however, says that Paige wants more from Abby and not be second fiddle to virtually everyone ever. In the middle is my other girl Mackenzie since she's improving every week but Abby wants her to do less gymnastics and more dancing (here's a thought: Let her do more dancing in the pieces and not rely on her tricks to win). Brooke is also in the middle for the beautiful job she did in the group but to watch for her chin turn (whatever that is). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Maddie's on top. Nothing's important there, except for my dad saying that Maddie has the face of a horse. Thus endeth the pyramid!
At this week's competition at Dance Energy (which, I assume, is split into two categories: Energy and Power, which I gathered by looking at the results to make sure this wasn't all made up. More on that later) in Hiland, Michigan, a scout from the Joffrey Ballet will be there to look for new dancers to join the company. Or something like that. They've got to represent the company to its best (something Abby and the Moms don't really do all that well). The group number, based on plastic surgery, will be called "Nip and Tuck" and is inspired by Kelly's desire to get bigger hooters, to which the girls get the church giggles. The obvious message is about body image and how some people DO have work done. So let's let little kids portray this? Maddie's over-exaggerated responses to the subject makes it look like she has no idea what she's getting into. In my living room, my family decided to watch the show with me for a change because we love to hate it. My sister, who loves beer, said Maddie put on a little weight. My sister, who almost never watches this show, may have forgotten that Maddie's FREAKIN' NINE and won't have the body of an Olympian (or of Chloe). Abby's switching it up this week and doing TWO trios: One with Macks, Paige and Nia (Team Seaslug, doing Jazz/Acro) and the other with Brooke, Chloe, and Maddie (Team Juggernaut, doing a lyrical number). Kelly thinks Paige is being downgraded once again. Christi believes Underlooked should have an even chance and not go up against Juggernaut. And, of course, Maddie and Chloe get solos.
4 days to the competition and MAJOR scout, in the Observe-Bitching room, Christi (whose Twitter account I may/may not have been skimming through out of... curiosity. Also, "Hi" if you're reading this.) doesn't get why Chloe's on the bottom and that Mackenzie is probably only in the middle due to Melissuckup's friendship with Abby. Debatable but there's more to come. After some choreography talk, Holly feels Nia's trio will probably be underlooked (hence my unfortunate team name for them) due to the power of the other trio. Christi is worried over time since Abby is doing 2 solos, 2 trios, the group and stopping short of saving orphans from a burning wagon and changing their diapers and freeing Vivi. Mostly, Christi is worried that the girls will get blamed if they screw up. Abby refreshes us of the inspiration behind the group while Melissa talks and my brain cells commit suicide. Seriously, does Melissa think that her shit don't stink? Meanwhile, Kelly talks about her boob job and how she wanted it for her 40th birthday (but, instead, was prodded by Crazy Bitch Cathy to get botox instead) and she wants to get 'em done so they can balance out her ass. She says that as she had kids, she lost her boobs. Uh... I thought you GAINED a rack from having kids. Then again, Kelly danced with the ALDC and then became a cheerleader so she was destined to not get hooters. She calls it reimbursement from her husband: 3 kids (she has a son we don't see) deserved 2 boobs. Can't argue with that logic.
3 day mark see Team Seaslug in rehearsal. While Christi looks up the estimated travel time to Michigan by bus (which may seem to be, oh, a whole day). She confessionalizes that the two trios going head to head is weird because it's like the family competing against each other. And then NIA INJURES HERSELF. Holly rushes down (I find it amazing these women can run in heels like that) to check on her kid. During the commercial break, I can say that it's very difficult to watch this show with a sister who is on god knows what is making her a happy, loopy mess and a petulant brother. When it returns, Gia! looks at Nia's foot to make sure she didn't injure herself too badly and Nia's then taken into the dressing room for a closer look. Nia's relatively calm throughout all of this (aside from the standard hysterics mode from the initial injury) as she does some foot work to show Abby it's not so serious. Just in case it is busted, Abby has the plan to use a swing to replace Nia. Holly takes her daughter to a doctor for a closer inspection. Turns out, it's a stress fracture and, in order to heal, Nia's toes must be taped together for about 3 weeks. She can dance BUT she shouldn't do acro tricks or else it might worsen the fracture (which, according to Abby, means, "YOU'RE DOING THOSE TRICKS ANYWAY, HONEY.")
Maddie rehearses her lyrical solo, titled "Quiet Voices" (the ultimate irony for this show), and she loves the movement. Also, the earth is round. And staring into the sun is bad. They've been working extra hard so she can suck up to the Joffrey scout. Abby then gushes about Maddie's passion for dance and how she has THIS, meaning Maddie's
But, like we all know, Melissa, apparently, has the memory of a goldfish and, definitely, the acting skills of a porn star so we all know she's going to be back the next day and pretend none of this happened.
At Mohan's Restaurant (seriously, if I ever go to Pittsburgh, I'm going to find all these restaurants these women and Melissa dine at), the moms sans Melissa meet up for lunch. Since it's a rule of thumb to complain with your gal pals at lunches that is universally approved. They move on to the dances and Holly notes that Abby sure was dreaming BIG this week. Holly brings up the double standard that's bound to happen with the trios, group and solos and how her dominant focus will be on Maddie. Christi feels defeated and bemoans Maddie-gate. She also brings up Melissa's abrasive sucking up and Holly the Lioness warns them that they better be prepared for this competition. In the meanwhile, Team Juggernaut rehearses their trio, a lyrical piece called "Somebody Told Me". Any judge would love this number, says Abby, until she criticizes Maddie for having sickled feet. Now she sees that Maddie's starting to have an off time. Maybe it's Melissa's behavior that's screwing her up? Who knows. Maddie's just knows that Abby's going to be tougher on her than ever this week (since when?)
Competition time finds the return of Bus Driver Jim! Abby wants him to drive by her house so she can get her dog, Broadway Baby, but Jim shoots her down for he is the bus driver and he's not stopping for shit. Abby doesn't seem to mind too much and gives up after a while. Kelly enjoys it when the bus driver rips Abby a new one. Then, something even more screwy happens. Melissa bought KELLY the gift that keeps on giving: A push up bra. Now Kelly has that one bra she can call "the bra. It's not just any old bra, it's like the bra. Like, THE bra!" Christi jumps higher on the love meter by calling the gift really bizarre and Melissa "whack-a-doodle-do!"
After the pep talk where Abby shouts at the girls to do their best
Maddie competes first and we get a glance at the nameless Joffrey scout who is all sorts of handsome. And bored. While Maddie looks like she's about to cry during the number (an improvement I guess), she then goes back to over-doing it and looks constipated. Mackenzie says she loves watching her sister dance since we haven't heard her at all this episode, Melissa liked the solo (no shit, really?), and Abby says she had the whole audience in her tiny hands. And I thought, "Jesus, does this damn solo EVER end?" Luckily, it did and Abby's beaming. Christi thought the solo was faboo since Maddie got the jist of Abby's attention.
Team Juggernaut competes next and Chloe thinks they'll do really well. Well, Maddie reverts to being a ham-and-cheese, Melissa sucks up as usual and the poor scout looks bored out of his mind still. Well, the trio is fabulous anyway and Abby thinks they looked beautiful, elegant, and feminine. Time for Team Seaslug to go on and Nia's worried about her foot, especially since she's been icing it. Holly is incredibly worried because of the scout. They perform with HUGE engery and Melissa finds that it was age appropriate and sucks up some more. While Nia was initially worried for her foot, she lost that fear as soon as she hit the stage. You go, girl! Abby says that the moms were a little harsh regarding the whole "Team members going against each other" thing but she still enjoyed the piece. In the dressing room, Holly asks for some feedback but Abby's too preoccupied with bending Brooke in half and just skims through critiques. Holly finds it frustrating considering HER KID PERFORMED WITH AN INJURY. Gah!
Chloe rehearses her solo while Jabba the Lee yells at her for forgetting a certain part. To make sure Chloe doesn't crash and burn, Christi gives her daughter a pep talk while JTL goes psycho over making sure the judges are sitting by the time Chloe performs. Uh, shouldn't they be sitting at the point anyway? It's not like JTL is the overseer of every damn thing that happens in the dance world.
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| Punishment by Jabba the Lee. |
It's time for the group number and Melissa talks about acting and technique but I was more distracted by their costume. I'm pretty sure those were the same bras from the Vegas skank showgirl fan dance-that-most-certainly-didn't-happen but we may never know. Holly is worried about the number since the team didn't have enough time to actually rehearse it (what with the plethora of routines this week) and Abby demands that they turn it on RIGHT NOW. Four numbers away and the girls go off to get ready.
They walk on in a creepy robotic manner (that is SO out of sync) and Melissa does what she does best: Suck up. While Holly's amazed by the routine, I thought it was one of the dumbest routines I've seen. Natch, Abby's concerned about the scout, who is probably faaaaast asleep by now. Shh...
Awards time! In the junior division, Maddie wins first (of course) but ALLEGEDLY Chloe didn't place. According to the results posted by the confusing competition (They list both Power and Energy competitions so I was wondering why Maddie's name was nowhere to be found until I scrolled down. Oops), Chloe placed 5th. Shows how contrived this show is but there's more on that later. For the trios, Team Juggernaut wins and Kelly feels torn. She excited for Brooke but at the same time, uh, Paige didn't. Whomp whomp. As for the group, they didn't place (I didn't find those results anywhere). However, they cheer until they realize that it wasn't them. Probably because they had a similar number with the winning team, which looked eerily like the Dance Moms Miami team. Crossover!
In the Dressing/Green room, everyone wonders about the Joffrey dude and where the hell is he? And what if they had more time to polish up the rountines? Well, speak of the devil, the scout comes in to scoop up Maddie-- wait, no he's not! He informs them about an open audition (he said "Invites" but that makes no sense if the audition's open anyway) in New York City for the summer program and scholarship that coming Friday and he'd like it if they could come. Like they had a choice. And they all celebrate and Holly is amazed by the opportunity.
... But I'M amazed by what happened that we didn't see as I read through other blogs (and most certainly not Christi's twitter) that, because of the shows reputation, certain competitions are banning them from filming! BWAHAHAHA! I mean, "Oh no." Well, it just goes to show what kind of a reputation Abby has. Note that nobody says it's a good reputation. Just desserts.
Next time: The team goes to audition for the Joffrey and compete at Starbound, meshing the storylines from last season together in one episode (Starbound competition and a major audition that most certainly won't be staged), Melissa and Abby fight?, Cathy starts a pissing match with Abby over who has more successful dancers (Bitch, Abby will flatten you), Maddie flips out and Abby breaks down. AND THEN IT ENDS.
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