Because no one wants to relive the eye-searing Kids-as-Showgirls disaster last time (that Lifetime is trying to erase from its memory at this very moment), Jabba goes straight into the pyramid. Basically, she says that the group number was a big disappointment last week at Fire and Ice: Elite. The group was a trainwreck and it was not acceptable. Kelly notes that how the hell are these girls supposed to be amazing if JTL points out the negatives too much. Or something like that. I didn't catch what she said.
Mackenzie's on the bottom because her acting could've been bigger and longer (because JTL is just a warrant away from child pornography charges). Paige is next for not utilizing her free time in the dressing room rehearsing. Nia rounds out the bottom because Jabba wants more from her but Holly's getting frustrated to see Nia placed at the bottom too often, especially when she's doing everything she can to improve. Chloe's in the middle as per usual since she didn't perform like the 12 year olds she was competing against (keep in mind, she's only 10). Brooke (with rather nice hair today) is next for the same reason, but she's 13 and should be competing like a 15 year old. I wrote down "Won whole division" but I'm not sure if Abby meant she could've won or she did win. Whatevs. And Maddie's on top but I don't care why she's on top. Maddie bordering-on-sarcastic humble persona comes through as she feels bad for the girls on the bottom.
This week's competition will be in Miami Beach, to which everyone cheers. It's here where I'm wondering if this is a set-up for "Dance Moms: Miami", which Lifetime aired a commercial for every 3 seconds. I did a little investigating on it and it'll probably be vastly different from the girls from Pittsburgh. On the Miami team, there's a little boy and the team is headed by two guys, one of whom is Victor Smalley from one of the worst seasons ever of So You Think You Can Dance (and whom I'm convinced is banging the other guy). 12th place is 11th loser!!! ANYHOW, Abby likes Miami because it's tropical and has pool boys and uses my least favorite word ever which is FUN. The group number, including Mackenzie, is inspired by the beach films of the 60's, particularly Annette Funicello and Beach Blanket Bingo. Paige, like a normal 11 year old, has no idea what she's talking about. Abby wants the moms to show that particular film to their kids. The piece is 60's inspired, of course, cute and fun in the sun, complete with high ponytails and itty bitty bikinis, because anything that happened from last week just flies over JTL's head. Maddie, Chloe and Nia will be doing solos and the trio remains the same but Holly wonders when Nia will ever get a chance to be in a trio since that never happens and because this show needs some sort of drama. Paige chooses this opportunity to tell Abby that she needs to have plantar warts cut out from her feet, which just sounds like all sorts of awesome. Abby will have to think about her place in the trio but she sounds concerned. Although, the horrendous background music ruins the moment. Time to rehearse.
Let's go to Ohio, the land where everyone's brain cells die... or, at least, make mine die. Let's check in on Kendall, who is forced to wear the gharish whore makeup Cathy think it's great. Crazy Cathy believe Abby doesn't FIX mistakes, she just points them out. Of course, she does keep beating your ass so I'd suggest you retire while your husband bangs some cheap trick named Cisco. Jill-Cher talks and my brain shuts down. While she thinks Cathy has big plans for Kendall, she wonders if it'll interfere with HER big plans.
Back in the Pitts, the girls rehearse the Frankie and Annette number and it looks kind of cute, until Jabba the Lee shouts out the ever popular "Point your foot or I'll break it" criticism. All she has to do is sit on it. In the Observe-bitching Mezzanine, the moms discuss Paige's surgery. Kelly laments that Paige will be super upset if she can't do the trio but Melissa the SuperSnatch asks if Kelly can postpone the surgery. Keep in mind, Kelly has postponed this surgery 15 TIMES. Big differences in motherhood. Now the moms discuss Nia as a possible replacement for the trio, just in case. Holly thinks Abby sees only one thing in Nia and it's frustrating. The moms wonder if Holly should go discuss it with Abby but, let's not forget, not everyone can see eye to eye with the Lard Queen. Holly prepares herself like she's about to star in "The Exorcist" and the moms salute her luck.
Basically, it plays out normally at first. Holly politely asks if she can see Abby (despite it's during rehearsal), who proceeds to, putting it lightly, flip the fuck out. Now, Jabba the Lee screams at Holly that she was planning to use Nia as a swing just in case but we're wondering WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL HER THIS AT AN EARLIER TIME?! Christi wonders just why doesn't Abby have any respect while Holly tells us that a mother's love trumps the roar of the dance teacher. PREACH. The fight goes on as usual until Fatty Patty totally loses it and screams that Holly get the hell out of the studio. I would beat her ass to a bloody PULP if she ever said that in front of my kid (if I ever have kids). While JTL tries to be witty by using phrases like "I'll show them detention!", Holly FINALLY does what we're all waiting for: Take her kid and vow to never return to the studio ever again. I started bowing at her presence.
Meanwhile, I think Abby could use Jill's pills.
It's now two days to the competition and Nia isn't there. When Abby asks (probably a good hour into rehearsal, who can tell by now?) about her whereabouts, the girls shrug and Brooke makes the same face I do when asked a dumb question. Jabba the Lee can't shove her foot in her mouth so somehow her statement "Holly really needs to grow up" comes out of her mouth. In the slowly deteriorating Observe-Bitching Mezzanine, Christi and Kelly muse that they're the only bitches left and Kelly isn't surprised by the Fatass' pushing. They also wonder if Holly will actually come back, and the possibility of her not return makes their hearts ache. If they lose her, they lose the voice of reason/rock to the group and it will be devastating. Oyish... and then JTL ruins it by saying "Everyone's replaceable." Does she hear herself when she talks?
Doctor's time for Paige to remove the warts. Since the competition is that weekend, she better heal quick before she bleeds all over the floor. The surgery, laser-ing the warts off, seems to go smoothly so not too much happens there. Elsewhere, Maddie rehearses her solo but I could care less about her being a great dancer and everything so I just pay attention to my girl, Chloe. Her solo is called "Send down your love" and she's happy to do a lyrical piece again. A quick pep talk to compete like the 12 year olds and she on her way. Just as quickly, we go to Ohio. Crazy Cathy has a gig for Kendall to perform at halftime at a Harlem Globetrotters game. Jill-Cher gushes about it and we're out of there.
Trio time. It's called "Les Divas" and Abby, like a SMART person, asks about Paige's feet. She tells her they're sore. Melissa asks about if she should be dancing at all but Kelly tells her that the doctor said that, at long as she didn't get a blister, then she is able to dance. The poor kid has bandaged her foot and Kelly knows Paige doesn't want to lose this chance. Abby's nervous for Paige and might pull the trio if she can't dance.
Holly makes a triumphant return a day and a half later, just in time for the team to leave tomorrow. She says that Nia really wants to return to dance and Abby wouldn't never let a parent hold a kid back. It's Nia who makes her own opportunity. Holly says that she's going to be the bigger person (no pun intended) in this pissing match. The mood in the Mezzanine is uplifted by Holly's presence, who confessionalizes that Nia loves to dance and it's her passion, and if it means to deal with that evil witch Abby (her words), so be it. More groveling. Abby's nervous for Nia since she missed a day and a half of rehearsal but Holly knows Nia just wants to do a good job. Then Nia rehearses her solo, with more nervousness, and JTL makes her squeeze a sharpie between her ankles, which seems kind of pointless.
The next day, and some Dance Moms: Miami promos later, the team leaves and Christi is relieved to leave snowy Pittsburgh behind for the sunny skies of Miami. When they arrive, Abby takes the girls to the beach while the moms relax by the poolside. Chloe is very happy for the free time, although the term "free time" is used pretty loosely judging by what happens next. Abby asks if any of the girls actually managed to watch Beach Blanket Bingo. Nia did! For she's a good student. Anyone else? Nope. They all must do push ups. Oh God Almighty, can't she give the dance teacher crap a rest?! Abby babbles some more but I was distracted by the rainbow flag flying behind Nia's head. Yahoo! Abby has Nia demonstrate some of the moves she saw in the movie, which include the swim and ponies and all those sixties moves. They practice a bit until Abby finally gathers a soul and lets them go swimming. The girls have a blast and even do some acro into the sea. I wish I could do acro into the sea but, then again, I haven't been near an ocean since, oh, 2007.
 |
| And I will wade out... |
In some random basketball court, Kendall is about to perform at halftime, and I don't think Cathy or Jill-Cher has any clue where they are. One of them says it'll be like a cheerleader dance but, honey, it's kids dancing. People eat that shit up. Kendall's a little nervous since she has never performed for an audience this size before. Dressed as a pit crew member, she goes out to dance and does a pretty good job and gets high fives from all the 8 feet tall Globetrotters. Jill-Cher talks but I was distracted by the Globetrotters teaching Kendall how to spin a ball. You go, Daria!
The competition, which I didn't catch the name, is held at the Florida International University and is on a gym floor. Bum bum BUM! Paige is icing her feet and Abby is seriously considering pulling the number so she asks Paige if she's really up for dancing today. She thinks she can do it and the trio goes off the perform. As they do, Abby gushes about the costumes and I think that it's a solid number, considering LAST time. Paige is proud
At the awards, Christi is confident that the group would win (and, of course, I almost agree with her). The group ends up winning third and the trio gets second. Instead of blowing a fuse, Abby looks on the bright side and is proud for the relatively high placings considering they were competing against high schoolers. Yikes.
Solo time comes as the girls hold hands. Melissa brings up the Texas tragedy because she needs to exploit her kid as much as possible. Speaking of, Maddie's up first and she's still making that weird competition face. I think the song's more expressive than she is, even when my sister butchers it by adding lesbian overtones. Thankfully, Chloe and her abs are next. She (and I) loves her costume but I can't help but think that I've heard the music somewhere before. Damn you, suspicions! She's great but stumbles a bit on the turns (which, of course, doesn't miss Abby's eyes). She's such a good noodle.
Nia goes and Holly's worried that the fight with Abby might have shaken her up a bit. Turns out, she's right as Nia freezes at the beginning and breaks my heart. She dashes off stage in tears into the arms of her friends with Holly close behind. Nia is upset that she forgot the routine and Holly manages to calm her down in a way which I WISH people could do every time. Melissa should take some notes since it's way more effective than what she does in her stage mom manner. Holly even manages to ask one of the competition officials if Nia could try again which, luckily, she can. You go, Comp Official! Nia rehearses in the dressing room when the giant billowing cloud of doom enters the room, speechless. She finally reminds Nia of competing again and tells us that this is a major lesson for us all: This business is tough and it's very rare second chances are given. Nia competes again and, though a bit sloppy, she gets through just fine. Holly is happy because Nia proved to herself that she can do it. You go, kid.
Now it's time for the solo awards, which I guess go by grade division. Nia ultimately wins third and Abby is proud of Nia's responsibility. Chloe wins second so obviously Maddie wins first. Abby is thrilled how all the solos placed. The dressing room is full of positive energy and Abby is happy with the success. The moms then joke around and say that they're taking a trip to B.E.D., which Holly quips "Club Bed". Bonus points for Holly for that one.
Next time on Dance Moms: Melissa sends a letter from her attorney to the moms as Christi wonder why would a friend sue friends. No more talks of weddings and divorces. Melissa sucks up to Cathy and something screwy is going on with the Crapples. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
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