ANTM All Stars: And then there's Lisa...

Last week, we all bid a surprising farewell to Isis and her oddly placed bazoongas. We return to the Model Mansion as Pullip is congratulated for her uh-mazing photograph. BB Gun confessionalized that she needs to find herself (like everyone else on this program) and I was hoping she was going home, but it's MUCH to early to predict that! Drunk Lisa does what we've been waiting all season: She pops open a fresh bottle of wine. But--wait, she isn't drinking it? No more Cousin It conversations? DAMN YOU! She claims she's not drinking. I think it's one big fat lie.
The next day, there's mail! No, not Tyra Mail, thank God, but actual, real mail! Mostly, the gals are getting gifts like clothes and letters from home-- but not Ms. Wawwlk, who is still on her Jamaican pride kick. She tells us that she's 33 years old, which in model years is equivalent to 200 years. Because of this, she's unsure of how long she can last in the modeling world so she hopes to work behind the scenes as she shows off her "work things" aka BILLS. So jealous.
Kayla Free doesn't feel so well after panel (how out of succession was that?) and the elimination of Isis (if you haven't guessed, I don't use nicknames as soon as a contestant is booted) kind of makes it a bit worse. So she takes some meds. She feels worse and I start to worry. Poor Kayla Free claims her heart is racing and some of the girls (Bitchyanka, Old Soul and I think Pullip) come in for a laying of hands, are genuinely concerned and do their best to help her out. Kayla Free begins to hyperventilate and the crew goes into panic mode, EVEN DROPPING ONE OF THE CAMERAS ON THE FLOOR (giving a great shot of a nice pair of boots). She begins vomiting and an ambulance is called. BB Gun comments on the situation, but she's nowhere to be found so I found her to be hypocritical there. Before we wonder what is Kayla Free's fate, we cut to the opening.

Now, I was panicking over whether or not Kayla Free would be withdrawing because of this scary episode at first but, since she's recapping in the confessional about the ordeal, I figured she would be juuuuuust fine and could breathe easy (for once this week). Phew! She goes to the hospital and the girls are still worried... well, the "Team Face" girls anyway (I'm using that abysmal game Rumble Roses as a way of determining personalities. This means "Face" is good and "Heel" is bad. You can guess who belongs where). Well, they can all breathe a sigh of relief as she returns home with Ms. Laura (such a wonderful gal!) at 2:12 AM. I'm surprised they were awake for that long but, then again, they're models and it was a hospital emergency so, carry on. Kayla Free says she had cardiac arrhythmia but she's still living so who cares about medical terms?

Que ironico as the next day the girls are auditioning for a spot on CSI, which Ms. Laura claims is the biggest show in the world (God love her. She better win). The guest judge of the challenge (and later on in panel) is creator and executive producer (natch) Anthony E. Zuiker, who proceeds to scare the living crap out of these girls by hiding as a corpse on the gurney. Man Face decides to become Annie Wilkes and wants to know his email address so she can send him audition tapes. I hope she doesn't know what hobbling is. The challenge is simple: Have an hour and half to memorize a little scene. It wouldn't be much of a problem but, since CSI is riddled with medical terms, it's a doozy. Drunk Lisa proceeds to prove she's still on her cocky drug and I tuned her out because my skin was beginning to crawl. Ms. Wawwlk the Ancient ponders the possibility of one of them being a permanent character, to which I almost died of laughter.

Since models are horrible actors, it wasn't shocking to see that they all suck. I'm also pretty sure they did what normal actors sometimes do and hide the script in the clipboard they were holding. I sure as hell would. Man-Face does a terrible job and stumbles over the words (yeah, good luck with those tapes). Kayla Free forgets a line but her scene partner (forgive me, I don't watch CSI too often) helps her out and, like a pro, she improvises with "You're a really good doctor!" Tee hee! Bitchyanka attempts to save herself after screwing up the medical terms and possibly go for some product placement by adding "Neosporin" as a term. Oye.

I'm assuming that because BB Gun is given extended time, and claims she's talented (not going into an easy joke there), she's going to do pretty well, which made me all grumpy gills. She says she's bringing the 716 'tude which I really don't think is very attractive. Anyway, she seemed to be a snooze.
Old Soul is next and she's worried about the medical terms. To everyone's surprise, she flawlessly gets her lines down (which I'm pretty sure were in that little report but still). You go, girlfriend!
Drunk Lisa realized she hasn't been on camera for approximately 3 seconds and goes on about how confident she is. I was chanting "Mess up" at home and I got my wish. Boy does she screw up and, like the graceless being she is, curses. A lot. To the point where the director tells her to take this seriously. Drunk Lisa doesn't take acting seriously. I do and seriously wanted to bash her big head in. She continues to screw up and decide to go off script and use drug names than medical terms, which is a big NO. Obviously, she hasn't learned from her cycle where she messed up her interview. At least she didn't sing Ciara's "Oh" this time.

The top 2 come out to be Old Soul and BB Gun. And the winner is... Old Soul! YAAAAAY!!! BB Gun is pissed of course so... drink! The next day, Tyra Mail arrives and, with the obvious clue of "EXPRESS", it appears to be a photo shoot for Express. The women are whisked away to another mansion where I kept thinking they were playing "Poker Face" in the background. We're introduced to the CMO (??) of Express, Lisa Gavales, whose name I forgot in two seconds. The girls will be portraying 1 of 4 roles: Flirt, Cool Chick, Socialite and Girlfriend. Yawn. Oh, and there will be 3 guys in all their shots. This just isn't Kayla Free's episode. At all. But, hey, she got over her guy phobia AND had a heart attack. I think she can handle it.

As always, nothing too interesting happens. Bitchyanka claims that she's the only "model" amongst these girls. Is she for real? 'Cause, if she was a model, she wouldn't be competing AGAIN on this show full of rejects. Mr. Jay is pissed that she had the audacity to say that. Leatherface comes off as commercial and Duck Lips, according to my aunt, looks way older than she is. Keep in mind, Duck Lips is MY age: 21. But, I look like I'm still a teenager. She looks 50. That isn't good. Ms. Wawwlk reminds us she's 33, again, and does a horrible job. Same as Drunk Lisa, who tries to do jumps and looks terrible.

Tyra Mail comes announcing elimination, and Drunk Lisa proceeds to complain to Leatherface, who appears to not give a flying rat's ass. Ms. Wawwlk reminds us for the trillionth time that she's 33. This is her adios edit. Kayla Free celebrates that she managed to survive a hospital visit and still show up for the challenge AND the photo shoot. As inspiring as that is, it would make sense if she didn't go to the hospital, you know, at the beginning of the episode with a little panic attack. I mean, Danielle from Cycle 6 was still reeling from dehydration when she showed up to her photo shoot and missed the challenge. And Adrianne (Mumble Mouth) from Cycle 1 disobeyed doctors' orders and showed up to panel with food poisoning. Kayla Free's visit is kind of trumped by those. But, since she managed to pull through, we (my aunt, sister, and myself) were all relieved.

This looks relieved, right? Right?

(Okay, if she was a family friend [and she totally would be], we would be relieved, seriously. But, in this case, you can taste the sarcasm. Meanwhile, my aunt did her best to model via broken down doll. She got cramps. Bless her heart. It's also where she learned that it's not the brightest idea to ask these three questions about the series...
1) Remember that girl...
2 Who was blonde...
3) In Italy...
As there is a good chance there are 50 girls that fit into those categories)

Panel time! At first, the three of us at home thought Tyra was wearing a jumpsuit. Upon further investigation, she was wearing a vest... with suspenders... and ill-fitting pants. WHY?! Oh, and CSI man is there.

The breakdown goes as such...
-Ms. Laura (Flirt): She does a solid job and looks fantastic. Another winning point for the Haus of Wanda Sue!
-Kayla Free (Cool Chick): She looks phenomenal in her shot (which looks like her semi-final shot with Jane "Richy Rich"). Also, I love her panel dress.
-Man-Face (Cool Chick): She's bashed about her pitiful CSI scene. Her photo's just okay.
-Old Soul (Flirt): Her shot is cuuuuute but her hand appears to be going a little close the male model's, um, no-no spot.
-Duck Lips (Socialite): The shot isn't bad but she looks OLD. One of the judges (I believe Tyra) pointed out that there are two types of socialites: "Paris Hilton" young and "80 years old" old. Guess which one Duck Lips/Glenn Close belongs to?
-Pullip (Girlfriend): She looks adorable both in shot and in panel, where I think she's been watching Orphan way too much.
-Ms. Wawwlk (Socialite): It's a snoozefest. I don't even remember what she was making excuses over. All I heard was she slipped on the steps zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
-Drunk Lisa (Cool Chick): She attempts to moonwalk. Poorly. For once, she's wearing decent pants, but ruins it all with some fugly top and a hideous headband. WHY?! She, too, is bashed for her terrible performance at the challenge. Her photo is bad as well, and she goes into "Excuse" mode (drink!), saying she was concerned about the male models' hunger. Huh? I think it's a well known fact that fashion does not care about if you eat or not. And, you know what, Drunk Lisa? The client doesn't care about your concerns, just get the shot and get out of there.
-Bitchyanka (Flirt): She looks drugged in her photo. And her panel dress is godawful.
-BB Gun (Socialite): Her shot is doable, but not memorable for me. ALT says she looks like a Russian Bride.
-Leatherface (Girlfriend): It's way too commercial but, to the judges, that it does show that she has been working outside of Top Model. Huh.

Deliberations fly by as always and BB Gun snags the top photo. Ah crap. The girls are winnowed down to Drunk Lisa, Ms. Wawwlk, and Duck Lips/Glenn Close. Duck Lips gets her pass so let's bring down the Grandmas.

Basically, they're told that they whine too much. In the end, Drunk Lisa is saved for possibly the same reasons as Duck Lips a few weeks ago: She makes interesting TV. Unlike Ms. Wawwlk, who, by the way, is 33 years old. Did you know that?

NEXT WEEK: We get a visit from the Kardashian Skanks Sisters and a carousel themed runway show just riddled with wipeouts! Also, a screaming match between Bitchyanka and Drunk Lisa. Bum bum BUUUUUUM!!!!