ANTM All Stars: Carousel of Regress or Bre's Many Future Jobs

At the last panel, Camille got the boot. By the way, if you didn't catch it, she's 33 years old. Did you know that? On the Model Bus, BB Gun dances in victory of grabbing top photo. Old Soul tells us that the six years of work she's done post show would have made her a front runner but NOPE. Drunk Lisa points out the obvious and tells us being in the bottom two sucked (drink!). She thinks the girls think she's going home soon but Drunk Lisa believes this show will help brand her as a lunatic. What is on? For a change, it doesn't go to a commercial after the opening theme and we immediately return to the Model Mansion. BB Gun continues to be a grating pain in the neck so I pretty much tuned her out. Seconds later, we join Kayla Free and Bitchyanka for a heart to heart-ish discussion. Kayla Free doesn't think BB Gun's photo was the best while Bitchyanka feels the competition is starting to get to her. I thought she looked and sounded like a man when she was talking to Kayla Free for some reason.

Leatherface finally gets to talk for more than 3 seconds tonight and she's excited to be back as an All Star. With that, I was certain she was getting the adios edit. She decides to come up with a way for the remaining girls to use the phone fairly: Battle to the death and pick a number, go in order. Simple as pie. And no more than 20 minutes. Understandable-- OH HELL NO, Bitchyanka would have said. She NEEDS more than 20 minutes to talk to family (so does everyone else) and goes to confront Leatherface about it, calmly (I think). Leatherface, who hates confrontation, starts to cry. Drunk Lisa, realizing that she hasn't offered her "opinion" in the past few nanoseconds, opens her big yap and berates Bitchyanka. It immediately degenerates into another screaming match over a PHONE (drink!). The two blondes in the room (Ms. Laura and Pullip of "Team Face") give the camera the best "SO not dealing with this sh*t" faces and gracefully leave.

It's off to the challenge and Old Soul is relieved to be leaving the house (hey, I would be too but it's basically one hell into another, not challenges). They arrive at the Santa Monica Pier with lots of shots of carnival rides. Yay! Our Ms. Laura soundbite of the evening: "I wanna eat some yummy food!" which made me genuinely smile. The girls meet Miss J at the pier where he's dressed as a fisherman... without any pants on. Old Soul brings us some fun when she states that Miss J was missing "some panties... a whole lotta things!" How I missed that personality. Anyway, it's a runway challenge, but since this is Top Model, it must rival a Japanese Game show. They do this by having the girls go on and off a carousel. We get a flashback of BB Gun of Alexandra (y'know, The Big Girl from Cycle 14) being knocked off the runway and BB Gun really hopes it doesn't happen to her.

Bitchyanka is still irritated at Drunk Lisa from earlier (or "edited" earlier) so Old Soul owns her Girlfriend image and calms her down. The Kardashian Skanks Sisters, whose line of hooker wear the girls will be modeling, enter for the pep talk and reveal their line will be sold at Sears (really? SEARS?) The winner will get her trashy outfit. Hey, who wouldn't want free clothes? The girls are terrified that they're going to fall off and break their heads opens (or something vital). But, since this is ANTM, of course they're ALL going to fall. DUH. It makes for TV Gold.

Drunk Lisa is up first and rides her horsey like a stripper in some cheap bar. I assume that the models have to ride the carousel first and then walk because that's what most of them did (besides BB Gun) and, while one is walking, the other rides fiercely. Now I want to ride a carousel. THANKS A LOT. Drunk Lisa does pretty good (twitch), BB Gun doesn't shut up at all, leading Miss J to say it reminded him of "someone's drunk aunt." Zing! I also wasn't paying attention to BB Gun that much because I was focusing on Kayla Free SERVING it on the carousel. She looked like she was having fun and being fierce at the same time. You go girl! She looked amazing. Old Soul has a battle plan and does a brilliant spin jump off the ride, which I thought was very clever. She, too, rocks it. The other girls look pretty adorable... until we get to Bitchyanka, who Drunk Lisa says looks like a dog. The pot's calling the kettle black much? One of the Kardashians says she has NO energy, which is bad. Duck Lips, because she hasn't been mentioned at all yet, looked even more like Glenn Close with her leopard maxi dress.

The Sisters couldn't decide on a clear winner so the two winners are Drunk Lisa and Old Soul! Boo and yay, respectively! I also found it amazing that those sisters could walk on the sand IN STILETTOS. Miss J, noticing some is very wrong with Bitchyanka, goes over to ask her what's wrong. In about two seconds, Bitchyanka begins a profanity laden rant which was anything but attractive. Old Soul was standing behind her and appeared to be either translating for everyone or trying to keep the peace with the room. She's amazing. Basically, Bitchyanka is told to calm down. For her, of course, this means that she must scream and berate all the women. Old Soul proves why she should not only win but have an amazing career as a bodyguard as she leaps to her feet in front of Bitchyanka (wow, is she short!) and shouts "WE DID GOOD!! WE'RE ALL GOOD!!! DID EVERYBODY ENJOY THE SHOW? CAUSE I ENJOYED THE SHOW!!!" followed by the girls agreeing. It's here where I was really hoping Old Soul would embody Goldie (from Flava of Love... why do I remember that show?) and announce "Did everybody enjoy the chicken? I thought the chicken was lovely!"

Bitchyanka goes home to mope to her boyfriend on the phone. Duck Lips starts trash talking (drink!) about her and some of the other girls chime in... not realizing Old Soul is listening right outside. Ms. Laura does notice and telepathically tells her "Yeah, I'm not dealing with this either" and walks away from the whole thing unscathed. As Team Heel continues to bitch about Bitchyanka, Old Soul darts straight to the phone booth and tells her girl all about it, saying that they're "forming a coalition against you to leave. NOW, DO YOU WANNA PLAY?" Old Soul also seems to have a great future in Quentin Tarantino films.

Tyra Mail arrives and the girls assume they'll be cliff diving. WHA? They return to Siren Studios and Mr. Jay announces that the photo shoot theme is Michael Jackson through the years. DOUBLE WHA? WHY DO IT THROUGH THIS SHOW??!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! Anyway, Ms. Laura is wetting her pants as she finds out her wardrobe is an original worn by MJ himself. Fancy! While Pullip is being helped with her dance moves, Mr. Jay brings in the ever fantastic LaToya Jackson. BB Gun gets to work and begins to suck up to her. Initially, I also thought that the dark girls would be MJ from the 80's and the white girls would be MJ from the 90's until I saw Kayla Free was sprayed tanned. Oye. Not much happens but Ms. Laura is lauded for committing to character and not breaking it once. Pullip is the only girl who gets "60's Michael" and I just about died from laughter. I'll eat some humble pie later.

When it ends, everyone gets high fives (or something)... 'cept Bitchyanka. Leatherface tries to pull a funny and says "Rejected!" but Bitchyanka isn't having it. She gets pissy (drink!) and goes complain to Old Soul. Then Leatherface goes to complain to Old Soul. LEAVE OLD SOUL ALONE AND WORK OUT YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, DAMN IT.

Panel time! Tyra looks like a hooker and announces the guest judge as LaToya. I mean, since her brother is the one who inspired this photo shoot and all...

THE BREAKDOWN:
-Leatherface (80's era): She looks pretty spectacular, especially with the belt LaToya put on her a few seconds before her shoot began.
-Kayla Free (Late 80's era): Nigel points out that it looks like she was performing in her shot and it looks amazing. During deliberations, Nigel even says that one could "feel" the picture. I so agree.
-Man Face (Late 80's): Really blah as always and, as usual, I ignored her for most of the episode.
-BB Gun (Late 80's): Nigel thinks it's intense. I think it's super blah.
-Pullip (60's era): It is here where I eat my humble pie as the shot looks something straight out of a magazine. It's pretty amazing. LaToya says that it looks a little like Donny Osmand too. Tee hee!
-Old Soul (80's): It's pretty good, and it's pointed out how calm her face is when she's on her toes.
-Duck Lips/Glenn Close (90's era): All I wrote for her was "It looks really stupid."
-Drunk Lisa (I totally forgot): Her panel outfit is berated by ALT and her photo doesn't help. Nigel is sick of the splits/legs wide open in the photos and ALT does not like it at all.
-Ms. Laura (90's): It looks fashionable and amazing as always.
-Bitchyanka (80's): It looks terrible. Tyra calls her out for the cursing tirade to Miss J. As Bitchyanka tries to explain herself, we're treated to "You've got to be kidding me" shots of the girls in the back.

After deliberations, Ty-Ty reveals that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, the guest judge not only picked top photo but the entire order. Ooooooooooooo fancy! Ms. Laura receives the top call and I did the dance of joy. The line up whittles down to Drunk Lisa and BB Gun, the two I was really hoping to go home since this cycle started. BB Gun for her inconsistency and Drunk Lisa for being a one-note. Tyra, not wanting to feel the wrath of either one of them, decides to let LaToya make the announcement to which she replied "Great, now I get to play the bad guy." Miss Jackson gives a soulful speech about her brother and reveal who is eliminated.

No one.

What a killjoy. Anyway, the two gals get to hug it out with LaToya and we get to see this motley crew next week for more modeling nonsense, which includes: Beach sports as members of Team Ghetto Heel bring it on and the ever fabulous Coco Rocha participates in the photo shoot. Should be FIERCE.