Dance Moms: Dear God, it's Almost Over...

Last time on Dance Moms, Melissa threatened to sue everyone on the planet if they mention her engagement that she publicly revealed to the entire nation, Nia FINALLY is put in a trio and Taylor of the Crapples busts her ankle while Cathy assumes power bitch mode and criticizes her WHILE SHE'S IN PAIN.

Before the pyramid, I notice that Melissa, Supersnatch Extraordinaire, is wearing her boots on the $68,000 dance floor. And Abby doesn't call her out for it? And so begins the double standard theme of the evening. Abby starts off the grand pyramid ceremony by talking about the fantastic homeless piece last week and the simple yet gorgeous costumes and everything. She does note how Maddie was nervous about competing against boys last week (including Justice, who was just meh at best) but she wiped the floor with them anyway. Nia, however, was a beat or so behind the trio due to technical training she hasn't quite mastered yet but, luckily for all, Nia understands what Abby is saying (or, smartly, says yes just to shut her up. Nice thinking).
 Pyramid begins with Chloe at the bottom but, before I go on a seething rage rant, how about I calm down a bit and gush about her abs in a not-so-creepy-but-totally-is manner by saying how jealous I am of them? Needless to say...

Not even close.

JEALOUS.

Abby wants more from her since she's one of the top dancers in her studio. She's doing this to light a fire under Chloe's butt and how it's all about Abby. Of course it is. Nia is next for the trio business and Paige rounds out the bottom because, although she did a great job, Abby wants more from her too. Kelly, however, says that Paige wants more from Abby and not be second fiddle to virtually everyone ever. In the middle is my other girl Mackenzie since she's improving every week but Abby wants her to do less gymnastics and more dancing (here's a thought: Let her do more dancing in the pieces and not rely on her tricks to win). Brooke is also in the middle for the beautiful job she did in the group but to watch for her chin turn (whatever that is). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Maddie's on top. Nothing's important there, except for my dad saying that Maddie has the face of a horse. Thus endeth the pyramid!

At this week's competition at Dance Energy (which, I assume, is split into two categories: Energy and Power, which I gathered by looking at the results to make sure this wasn't all made up. More on that later) in Hiland, Michigan, a scout from the Joffrey Ballet will be there to look for new dancers to join the company. Or something like that. They've got to represent the company to its best (something Abby and the Moms don't really do all that well). The group number, based on plastic surgery, will be called "Nip and Tuck" and is inspired by Kelly's desire to get bigger hooters, to which the girls get the church giggles. The obvious message is about body image and how some people DO have work done. So let's let little kids portray this? Maddie's over-exaggerated responses to the subject makes it look like she has no idea what she's getting into. In my living room, my family decided to watch the show with me for a change because we love to hate it. My sister, who loves beer, said Maddie put on a little weight. My sister, who almost never watches this show, may have forgotten that Maddie's FREAKIN' NINE and won't have the body of an Olympian (or of Chloe). Abby's switching it up this week and doing TWO trios: One with Macks, Paige and Nia (Team Seaslug, doing Jazz/Acro) and the other with  Brooke, Chloe, and Maddie (Team Juggernaut, doing a lyrical number). Kelly thinks Paige is being downgraded once again. Christi believes Underlooked should have an even chance and not go up against Juggernaut. And, of course, Maddie and Chloe get solos.

4 days to the competition and MAJOR scout, in the Observe-Bitching room, Christi (whose Twitter account I may/may not have been skimming through out of... curiosity. Also, "Hi" if you're reading this.) doesn't get why Chloe's on the bottom and that Mackenzie is probably only in the middle due to Melissuckup's friendship with Abby. Debatable but there's more to come. After some choreography talk, Holly feels Nia's trio will probably be underlooked (hence my unfortunate team name for them) due to the power of the other trio. Christi is worried over time since Abby is doing 2 solos, 2 trios, the group and stopping short of saving orphans from a burning wagon and changing their diapers and freeing Vivi. Mostly, Christi is worried that the girls will get blamed if they screw up. Abby refreshes us of the inspiration behind the group while Melissa talks and my brain cells commit suicide. Seriously, does Melissa think that her shit don't stink? Meanwhile, Kelly talks about her boob job and how she wanted it for her 40th birthday (but, instead, was prodded by Crazy Bitch Cathy to get botox instead) and she wants to get 'em done so they can balance out her ass. She says that as she had kids, she lost her boobs. Uh... I thought you GAINED  a rack from having kids. Then again, Kelly danced with the ALDC and then became a cheerleader so she was destined to not get hooters. She calls it reimbursement from her husband: 3 kids (she has a son we don't see) deserved 2 boobs. Can't argue with that logic.

3 day mark see Team Seaslug in rehearsal. While Christi looks up the estimated travel time to Michigan by bus (which may seem to be, oh, a whole day). She confessionalizes that the two trios going head to head is weird because it's like the family competing against each other. And then NIA INJURES HERSELF. Holly rushes down (I find it amazing these women can run in heels like that) to check on her kid. During the commercial break, I can say that it's very difficult to watch this show with a sister who is on god knows what is making her a happy, loopy mess and a petulant brother. When it returns, Gia! looks at Nia's foot to make sure she didn't injure herself too badly and Nia's then taken into the dressing room for a closer look. Nia's relatively calm throughout all of this (aside from the standard hysterics mode from the initial injury) as she does some foot work to show Abby it's not so serious. Just in case it is busted, Abby has the plan to use a swing to replace Nia. Holly takes her daughter to a doctor for a closer inspection. Turns out, it's a stress fracture and, in order to heal, Nia's toes must be taped together for about 3 weeks. She can dance BUT she shouldn't do acro tricks or else it might worsen the fracture (which, according to Abby, means, "YOU'RE DOING THOSE TRICKS ANYWAY, HONEY.")

Maddie rehearses her lyrical solo, titled "Quiet Voices" (the ultimate irony for this show), and she loves the movement. Also, the earth is round. And staring into the sun is bad. They've been working extra hard so she can suck up to the Joffrey scout. Abby then gushes about Maddie's passion for dance and how she has THIS, meaning Maddie's horse face and her blank, wooden emotions. Chloe rehearses next and Abby bashes her for not giving her what she wants. "DO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU TO DO!" she shouts. Then pay more attention to her, sunshine. For some reason, Chloe isn't focused today so, rather than yell at her in her usual manner, Abby gives Chloe a bit of a break. She uses this opportunity to exploit Maddie to her senior company by having her perform her solo and show the teenagers how pathetic they are. You know, the usual. Christi thinks it's a slap in the face and it's obvious favoritism (duh huh). Kelly, in an attempt to get Melissa's brain working, tries to convince Melissa that, yes, she's turning her kid against everyone. Melissa, who is dumber than a box of hammers and whose own children are way more mature than she is, refuses to comprehend while Kelly crochets. Unfortunately, it's not a noose. "Why don't you stand up to Abby for the kids LIKE THE REST OF US DO?" one of them asks but Melissa's too busy whining about Christi and Kelly yelling at her. The two reasonable moms, in unison, tell her they're sick of this happening over and over and over again. They argue that while they're defending their kids all the time, Melissa does squat. So Melissa does what she does best: Run off to Abby. She goes into the dance studio with her shoes on and I'm like WTF? Mostly because Abby doesn't seem to notice she's there. Kelly hunts her down, asking if they can finish their conversation while Melissa tries to get Maddie to leave the studio (not happening, of course). Finally, Melissa pulls out the older reality television schtick EVER: Hide under her coat and leaves, abandoning her children at the studio.

But, like we all know, Melissa, apparently, has the memory of a goldfish and, definitely, the acting skills of a porn star so we all know she's going to be back the next day and pretend none of this happened.

At Mohan's Restaurant (seriously, if I ever go to Pittsburgh, I'm going to find all these restaurants these women and Melissa dine at), the moms sans Melissa meet up for lunch. Since it's a rule of thumb to complain with your gal pals at lunches that is universally approved. They move on to the dances and Holly notes that Abby sure was dreaming BIG this week. Holly brings up the double standard that's bound to happen with the trios, group and solos and how her dominant focus will be on Maddie. Christi feels defeated and bemoans Maddie-gate. She also brings up Melissa's abrasive sucking up and Holly the Lioness warns them that they better be prepared for this competition. In the meanwhile, Team Juggernaut rehearses their trio, a lyrical piece called "Somebody Told Me". Any judge would love this number, says Abby, until she criticizes Maddie for having sickled feet. Now she sees that Maddie's starting to have an off time. Maybe it's Melissa's behavior that's screwing her up? Who knows. Maddie's just knows that Abby's going to be tougher on her than ever this week (since when?)

Competition time finds the return of Bus Driver Jim! Abby wants him to drive by her house so she can get her dog, Broadway Baby, but Jim shoots her down for he is the bus driver and he's not stopping for shit. Abby doesn't seem to mind too much and gives up after a while. Kelly enjoys it when the bus driver rips Abby a new one. Then, something even more screwy happens. Melissa bought KELLY the gift that keeps on giving: A push up bra. Now Kelly has that one bra she can call "the bra. It's not just any old bra, it's like the bra. Like, THE bra!" Christi jumps higher on the love meter by calling the gift really bizarre and Melissa "whack-a-doodle-do!"

After the pep talk where Abby shouts at the girls to do their best OR ELSE, everyone gets ready for the competition. Maddie says she's excited about the solo and she loves the song (not the movement?) but she's tired. Christi confessionalizes how she's worried for Chloe because of the lack of time she's had with Abby. Maddie's still off and Abby wishes that she would just calm down until Maddie loses her shit after Melissa accidentally (???) pricks her with a pin. And away she goes.

Maddie competes first and we get a glance at the nameless Joffrey scout who is all sorts of handsome. And bored. While Maddie looks like she's about to cry during the number (an improvement I guess), she then goes back to over-doing it and looks constipated. Mackenzie says she loves watching her sister dance since we haven't heard her at all this episode, Melissa liked the solo (no shit, really?), and Abby says she had the whole audience in her tiny hands. And I thought, "Jesus, does this damn solo EVER end?" Luckily, it did and Abby's beaming. Christi thought the solo was faboo since Maddie got the jist of Abby's attention.
Team Juggernaut competes next and Chloe thinks they'll do really well. Well, Maddie reverts to being a ham-and-cheese, Melissa sucks up as usual and the poor scout looks bored out of his mind still. Well, the trio is fabulous anyway and Abby thinks they looked beautiful, elegant, and feminine. Time for Team Seaslug to go on and Nia's worried about her foot, especially since she's been icing it. Holly is incredibly worried because of the scout. They perform with HUGE engery and Melissa finds that it was age appropriate and sucks up some more. While Nia was initially worried for her foot, she lost that fear as soon as she hit the stage. You go, girl! Abby says that the moms were a little harsh regarding the whole "Team members going against each other" thing but she still enjoyed the piece. In the dressing room, Holly asks for some feedback but Abby's too preoccupied with bending Brooke in half and just skims through critiques. Holly finds it frustrating considering HER KID PERFORMED WITH AN INJURY. Gah!

Chloe rehearses her solo while Jabba the Lee yells at her for forgetting a certain part. To make sure Chloe doesn't crash and burn, Christi gives her daughter a pep talk while JTL goes psycho over making sure the judges are sitting by the time Chloe performs. Uh, shouldn't they be sitting at the point anyway? It's not like JTL is the overseer of every damn thing that happens in the dance world.

Punishment by Jabba the Lee.

Normally, I adore Chloe (in a bordering on creepy manner. Yikes) but, this week, her costume isn't so, um, lovely. I think her piece was about water or rain or something but, from what I've learned from Project Runway, never make things too literal. Chloe dances just fine until she gets to that particular moment JTL was flipping out over and she stumbles slightly. Christi is mortified but, hey, the kid continued the piece (unlike Nationals, which was too painful to watch). JTL, on the other hand, thinks she blew just like Nationals last time and goes to berate her like the emotional punching bag that she is. Then Jabba the Lee REALLY screws up and brings up Nia's forgetfullness from god knows how long ago and I thought that was uncalled for. So does Holly, who'll have none of it.

It's time for the group number and Melissa talks about acting and technique but I was more distracted by their costume. I'm pretty sure those were the same bras from the Vegas skank showgirl fan dance-that-most-certainly-didn't-happen but we may never know. Holly is worried about the number since the team didn't have enough time to actually rehearse it (what with the plethora of routines this week) and Abby demands that they turn it on RIGHT NOW. Four numbers away and the girls go off to get ready.
They walk on in a creepy robotic manner (that is SO out of sync) and Melissa does what she does best: Suck up. While Holly's amazed by the routine, I thought it was one of the dumbest routines I've seen. Natch, Abby's concerned about the scout, who is probably faaaaast asleep by now. Shh...

Awards time! In the junior division, Maddie wins first (of course) but ALLEGEDLY Chloe didn't place. According to the results posted by the confusing competition (They list both Power and Energy competitions so I was wondering why Maddie's name was nowhere to be found until I scrolled down. Oops), Chloe placed 5th. Shows how contrived this show is but there's more on that later. For the trios, Team Juggernaut wins and Kelly feels torn. She excited for Brooke but at the same time, uh, Paige didn't. Whomp whomp. As for the group, they didn't place (I didn't find those results anywhere). However, they cheer until they realize that it wasn't them. Probably because they had a similar number with the winning team, which looked eerily like the Dance Moms Miami team. Crossover!

In the Dressing/Green room, everyone wonders about the Joffrey dude and where the hell is he? And what if they had more time to polish up the rountines? Well, speak of the devil, the scout comes in to scoop up Maddie-- wait, no he's not! He informs them about an open audition (he said "Invites" but that makes no sense if the audition's open anyway) in New York City for the summer program and scholarship that coming Friday and he'd like it if they could come. Like they had a choice. And they all celebrate and Holly is amazed by the opportunity.

... But I'M amazed by what happened that we didn't see as I read through other blogs (and most certainly not Christi's twitter) that, because of the shows reputation, certain competitions are banning them from filming! BWAHAHAHA! I mean, "Oh no." Well, it just goes to show what kind of a reputation Abby has. Note that nobody says it's a good reputation. Just desserts.

Next time: The team goes to audition for the Joffrey and compete at Starbound, meshing the storylines from last season together in one episode (Starbound competition and a major audition that most certainly won't be staged), Melissa and Abby fight?, Cathy starts a pissing match with Abby over who has more successful dancers (Bitch, Abby will flatten you), Maddie flips out and Abby breaks down. AND THEN IT ENDS.

Dance Moms: NOprah aka The one where I watched the DANCING beforehand!

Last time, the girls competed in Miami but the entire episode was the snooze so there's really nothing too interesting that happened. Back from the sunny land of sand, Abby congratulates the girls for the impressive job they did at the competition and also says what nice tans they have. Holly isn't there due to work but, at this point, Abby doesn't care (note that it's different from "doesn't MIND"). Nia starts off the pyramid due to the routine bomb last week. Abby tells her that her heart pretty much stopped and that no kid should ever stop mid routine. She's way better than that (especially since, last season, Nia forgot part of her solo at a competition but, smartly, improvised the rest of the number). Mackenzie is next with a note to improve and Brooke follows with nothing more than a "Good Job". In the middle, Chloe had an excellent solo but was kind of shaky in the trio and Paige is next for working through the pain (Kelly beams at this). And, no prizes, Maddie's still on top. She sucked up to those judges just like her mother like a pro and she tells us how happy she is in a fur collar shirt thing. Because that's always sincere.
Before she announces the group number, Abby reminds the girls (for the first of many times this episode) that they are very, VERY lucky to have such fabulous homes and clothes and things. But some kids (or people. LIKE ME.) aren't so lucky. And others are, well, in the pits. This week, only Maddie (allegedly) will have a solo. Abby wants to shake things up so the trio will consist of Maddie, Chloe and NIA! Abby feels that Nia needs this chance to prove herself. Nia tells us that she wants to prove to Abby that she can work with other people, that she can work in trios, and, most importantly, that she can dance. NEVER CHANGE, NIA.

The competition this week is called Company Dance (I think), and will be held in Chicago. Because nothing would be more complete, Abby grimly announces that the Candy Apples will be competing there as well. And they will NOT lose to those mediocre women! And so, they go off to rehearse. The music is called "Trapped" and the piece this week is about a homeless girl (Maddie) that the rest of the team try to help out of a funk. Ugh, while I get she's trying to raise awareness through dance (children missing/suicide, bullying, now this), Abby Lee is no Oprah. But anyway, for a change, Christi and the moms don't have any negatives to say about this piece (and, shockingly, neither do I), so we can breathe easily. For a while anyway. Christi and Kelly makes plans to go out and hit some bars in Chicago (natch) when Holly makes her grand entrance. While Christi is wondering just what has happened to Abby and assumes pod person theories, Nia is signing her mother something very wonderful by pointing to herself and holding three fingers. Holly guesses "Me. Three." and GLOWS. I love seeing her get excited over things like this, mostly because she's the good mom. But why weren't you here before? Well, Holly had to tie up some loose ends at the school and has decided to take a year long leave of absence. WHY HOLLY?! WHHHHHHYYYYYYY?! It's mostly due to family issues. Don't forget, Holly has two other children to take care of besides Nia so this should work out fine. Before Kelly can protest about HER family, Christi reminds her that, quite simply, she's not Holly. And the lightbulb turns on as she laughs.

Time for the Crapples. Cathy has decided to pit her best reasonably aged dancer, Justice (the red head kid) against Maddie. Because that's going to turn out well. I mean, considering that her girls are either old enough to drink or Vivi, there's no other choice. Her group number will be a dark piece about clowns. Taylor will be a tightrope walker because she has wonderful grand jetes. Because tightrope walkers do grand jetes, of course. At least the makeup won't be too much of a stretch for the spray-painted apples. Cathy then calls Abby a clown (pot kettle black) and once again stresses Justice is going against Maddie. This is the one time I pray that she wins. Or, at least, wipes the floor with him.
Back in Pittsburgh, Abby and Gia! work on the homeless number costumes. Abby is relieved that the costumes, simple sky blue dresses, won't need that much work and that homeless clothes aren't that difficult to achieve (roll around in dirt and presto!). Gia! confesses that Nia is a mess in rehearsal and Abby feels bad because she doesn't want to embarrass Nia but this might get Holly to shut up for a while. Or something. Then Gia! brings up Melissa and how she will choke a bitch. Abby whines about the moms picking on Melissa like they're all in junior high and how she's going to go insane from it. Bish, please. Speaking of, the main sucking up Snatches, Jill-Cher and Melissa Supersnatch, meet up for lunch but I tuned out the entire conversation because you could hear my brain cells dying. In short, Jill-Cher's lost some weight, the drive is long, Mel whines about the moms being nosy, Jill-Cher scoffs that they have no personal lives. It's so smug and petty and delusional, I was ready to punch them in the face so hard they're gonna NEED plastic surgery.

The trio rehearses their modern jazz number. Holly tells us that though Nia's nervous, she's still excited to be in the trio. She reminds us that she has done duets before (like last season with the Snake Charmer routine she danced with Mackenzie and wiped the floor with Vivi and Justice) and, of course, the group but Holly's worried that Nia will be seen as a weak link. Nevertheless, Holly wants Nia to do well. In Ohio, Crazy Banshee rehearses her group number "Ode to a Clown". She describes it as a dark satire and slow motion moving is involved. Or something. Again, at least they're used to wearing too much ugly makeup. She dismisses the group but keeps Vivi in the room after she attempts to escape with the crowd. FREE VIVI!!!

More trio rehearsing ensues but while Holly and Kelly discuss lunch, Christi inquires about Melissa's ring, because it is in no way spurred on by the producers. The moms are concerned over Melissa's weird behavior since normal human beings are typically excited about being engaged. But Melissa is a snatch so that's typical. However, when Holly innocently asks about how her girls are feeling, she goes batshit. Melissa the raging bitch with the maturity level of a 4 year old decides to barge into the rehearsal and, not letting Abby get a word in edgewise, decides that her kids won't compete that weekend. Poor Maddie begins crying and becomes defiant of her mother, claiming that she's going to compete anyway, especially since her mother's a total nutjob. Melissa the C*nt allows Abby to assume responsibility for Maddie, who is sobbing in her arms, then grabs Mackenzie because she remembered that she's her other daughter (or thought she was Maddie, who knows). Mackenzie asks about Maddie but Melissa blows that question off like it's her pimp. Christi is totally confused, since all they were doing was asking. Poor Holly laments that she didn't mean to cross a line, if there was any. Abby reverts to Jabba the Lee and demands that the girls tell their moms to keep their mouths shut. Like they have any control over that. Luckily, Christi has become aware enough to know when JTL is going to take shit on their children and the remaining moms go to take their kids out before it gets any worse. Kelly leads the attack by shouting at Abby. And Holly reflects on how poor of a teacher Abby is.

Now, normally my dad would say that all these moms should be arrested but, after watching this shitshow, if any of these moms should lose custody of their kids, it definitely should be Melissa.

Well, the next day Melissa returns and Abby just glosses over it. Kelly calls Melissa one really juicy word in the confessional but I didn't catch it and wish I could use it in my vocabulary. Christi points out the double standard between Abby towards Melissa and Abby towards the other moms, but no time to go into detail about that obvious fact. The group rehearses again and Abby wants Maddie to practically embody Sylvia Likins, but you know, instead of being beaten in a basement, she'll have help. At the end of the number, Mackenzie will represent another homeless girl, to show the grim truth that it's still happening. In the Observe-bitching Mezzanine, Melissa the Supersnatch tells the moms about her dinner date with Jill-Cher. Holly confessionalizes about the moms atypical friendship and how Melissa practically whitewashes all the shit she stirs to make it seem like nothing happened. Melissa does know she's on a television show where ALL OF THIS IS RECORDED, RIGHT?! As Madame Delusional tells about Kendall's experience at Candy Assholes, Christi shoots down any praise since Jill-Cher only dragged her there because she wasn't the big fish in the small pond anymore. Then some Maddie solo stuff, where she'll be doing a Snow White influenced number, and we're on our way.

Competition time has finally arrived. Abby claims the judges know who she is, the Crapples arrive, and other stuff happens but I tuned that out. The stage is nice, by the way. The solos are first and Maddie goes up. Now, I've definitely seen that costume in the second episode this season (when Brooke went against 27 year old Erica) so I'm pretty sure this is one of those cases where Abby's recycling a solo LIKE A SMART PERSON. Crazy Cathy (or Abby, I forget) tells us that she's planning to force Maddie to see what happens when a technical boy goes against her. You know, her "nemis." Maddie is worried because she's competed against boys before and they're incredibly good. Like a broken record, Maddie dances beautifully but the acting is ho-hum. Justice is next but he's kind of flat and in desperate need of a haircut.
The trio is next. Melissa talks but I shut her out of my head, Nia's excited but finds it difficult to keep up with the juggernauts that are Chloe and Maddie. Christi's apprehensive and hopes Nia doesn't screw up. Abby kind of earned a few bitch points by saying her favorite part of the piece was the ending since that meant IT WAS OVER. Now, this is one of the pieces I watched before this episode so, in my opinion, Nia's a mess but makes up for it with her energy, Maddie's just there and Chloe is sensational. Awards time sees Maddie winning for her solo (duh), but the trio didn't win the overall placement. Actually, they didn't place but Chloe's confident they'll get 'em next time. Christi believes the trio didn't place because Abby didn't focus on it too much, which is plausible.

The moms have a few hours to kill before the next number so they head out for some food at a pizzaria. Since Melissa will show up later, Christi takes this opportunity to discuss Melissa's blowout, which is really about THE CEASE AND DESIST LETTERS THEY ALL GOT FROM HER ATTORNEY. Really, I'm pretty sure the poor attorney was trying hard to not laugh when writing that out. Anyway, she's threatening legal action if the other moms don't butt out. But, since this is national television, this means Melissa should be sending out letters to all those who watch this program. I'm still waiting for mine to arrive. Bitch. Anyway, they find that it's uncalled for, not to mention totally ridiculous. Last season she gave Kelly sex toys for her birthday but her third marriage is considered taboo? Did I mention she's a total bitch? WELL! Kelly is hurt by Melissa's actions, Christi has seen ALL the sides of Melissa, and Holly is completely offended. Well said, ladies. Now for the petulant teenaged mom to enter the scene for a drink. No time for her to be faux-humble as Holly, in a moment of the most subtle, ultimate and greatest moment of pure cattiness (I refuse to associate Holly as a female dog), whips out the letter for Melissa, who launches into denial mode. She claims she has never seen that letter (or something like that) and that her lawyer must of done something something. It's official: Melissa has the brain capacity of Jiggly Caliente.

Time now for the groups, both of which I watched through Youtube. As the official goes to fetch the group, Abby reminds them for what could be the trillionth time that they're up against the Candy Asshole and her dancers who should be with someone better. Speaking of, Crazy Cathy is excited over her "original" number. I'm sure Tim Burton, Pennywise and Cirque Du Soleil have nothing to do with the inspiration. Holly confessionalizes about how she's nervous because the groups this time around are one powerful batch (sans Apples of course). The Homeless Number is up first. The edit in the episode makes Maddie look like a meerkat as she can't act to save her life and the number looks kind of polished. Abby loves the number, saying it was seemless. I'd like to know what she's huffing because it looks a bit sloppy in the video. Just a teeny bit though. Anyway, the full length version is far out enough to not look at what weird expression Maddie has on her face this time but definitely showcases all the girls' abilities (I love Brooke in this number). Of course, the one caveat is having Mackenzie do acro for only 10 seconds and that's at the end of the piece. Could explain why the moms don't bring up the whole "Age level" thing. Regardless, I think this is one of the better routines this season so the moms cheering big time was well deserved.

Time now for the Candy Apples totally (un)original "Ode to a Clown". I'll critique the full length version first. I didn't really think it was too interesting (Neither did Abby but I'll get there soon) but I did like the theme and the song. The costumes and choreography, eh, not so much. Actually, the choreography is a bit of a mess (shocker) and that's BEFORE Taylor busts her ankle after doing one of her "beautiful" grand jetes Cathy was gushing about earlier. And that was near the beginning of the piece. And I don't need to tell you that it's basically just the WOMEN dancing most of the time (this time with Kendall), Justice doing some things, Vivi on, Vivi off, Vivi does some half-assed thing with her arms. Same old, same old. In the episode, Abby says she didn't think too much of the number and makes a guess that it's about a dark circus. Cathy (I think) notices that Taylor is behind the others slightly and Kelly also notices that the group is off a little bit (REALLY? They're always like that!) Then Taylor stumbles, falls, and (smartly) limps off stage. Poor thing is in serious pain and is carried off by one of the people working. As Taylor tells Cathy it feels like she broke it, Cathy blows that off thinking Taylor's overreacting. She then criticizes Taylor for screwing up the timing. Uh, Cathy, REAL dance teachers worry about their students before their pieces in times like these. And you are by no means a dance teacher in this instance. And placing an ice pack on a twisted/broken ankle won't work, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! Taylor is then placed on a stretcher and rushed to the hospital. Since she might be out for the rest of the season, Cathy considers plugging in Kendall in Taylor's spots for the routines, which Jill-Cher secretly smirks over. Hmmm...

Group awards. Abby's gets third but one of the moms thinks that it deserved the win (eh, so-so agreement on that one). Cathy speaks but I tuned her out over her disregard for Taylor's ankle. Abby's still happy despite the placing because, in any case, THEY STILL BEAT THE CRAPPLES! They beat that worm Cathy and that's all that matters. Well, Ms. Hannigan herself comes in just to remind us she still exists with a present in her hands. It's for Melissa, because Cathy's heard about her engagement and wanted to give her a bomb a gift. However, Psycho Melissa, who makes a big deal over EVERYTHING, shoots her down and tells her that she's going to have to talk to her lawyer about discussing her engagement. Huh? She's a crazy bitch. Melissa tells us she wants them to stay out of her personal life. You know, the one she'll allow to be made to the public on national television. And, with that, the episode ends.

Next time on Dance Moms: The theme of ankle busting continues with Nia (sobs), Kelly considers getting a boob job "to round out her butt", and Chloe forgets her routine AGAIN. And I'm going to be crying the whole night that night.

Dance Moms: Holly the Goddess

First off, apparently the previous episode of Dance Moms proved to be so scandalous that not only has Lifetime taken it down from the website but this episode practically edited the "Previously" bumper down to Jabba the Lee simply berating Chloe a lot. Suspicious... still, just desserts for allowing children embody skanks.

Because no one wants to relive the eye-searing Kids-as-Showgirls disaster last time (that Lifetime is trying to erase from its memory at this very moment), Jabba goes straight into the pyramid. Basically, she says that the group number was a big disappointment last week at Fire and Ice: Elite. The group was a trainwreck and it was not acceptable. Kelly notes that how the hell are these girls supposed to be amazing if JTL points out the negatives too much. Or something like that. I didn't catch what she said.

Mackenzie's on the bottom because her acting could've been bigger and longer (because JTL is just a warrant away from child pornography charges). Paige is next for not utilizing her free time in the dressing room rehearsing. Nia rounds out the bottom because Jabba wants more from her but Holly's getting frustrated to see Nia placed at the bottom too often, especially when she's doing everything she can to improve. Chloe's in the middle as per usual since she didn't perform like the 12 year olds she was competing against (keep in mind, she's only 10). Brooke (with rather nice hair today) is next for the same reason, but she's 13 and should be competing like a 15 year old. I wrote down "Won whole division" but I'm not sure if Abby meant she could've won or she did win. Whatevs. And Maddie's on top but I don't care why she's on top. Maddie bordering-on-sarcastic humble persona comes through as she feels bad for the girls on the bottom.

This week's competition will be in Miami Beach, to which everyone cheers. It's here where I'm wondering if this is a set-up for "Dance Moms: Miami", which Lifetime aired a commercial for every 3 seconds. I did a little investigating on it and it'll probably be vastly different from the girls from Pittsburgh. On the Miami team, there's a little boy and the team is headed by two guys, one of whom is Victor Smalley from one of the worst seasons ever of So You Think You Can Dance (and whom I'm convinced is banging the other guy). 12th place is 11th loser!!! ANYHOW, Abby likes Miami because it's tropical and has pool boys and uses my least favorite word ever which is FUN. The group number, including Mackenzie, is inspired by the beach films of the 60's, particularly Annette Funicello and Beach Blanket Bingo. Paige, like a normal 11 year old, has no idea what she's talking about. Abby wants the moms to show that particular film to their kids. The piece is 60's inspired, of course, cute and fun in the sun, complete with high ponytails and itty bitty bikinis, because anything that happened from last week just flies over JTL's head. Maddie, Chloe and Nia will be doing solos and the trio remains the same but Holly wonders when Nia will ever get a chance to be in a trio since that never happens and because this show needs some sort of drama. Paige chooses this opportunity to tell Abby that she needs to have plantar warts cut out from her feet, which just sounds like all sorts of awesome. Abby will have to think about her place in the trio but she sounds concerned. Although, the horrendous background music ruins the moment. Time to rehearse.

Let's go to Ohio, the land where everyone's brain cells die... or, at least, make mine die. Let's check in on Kendall, who is forced to wear the gharish whore makeup Cathy think it's great. Crazy Cathy believe Abby doesn't FIX mistakes, she just points them out. Of course, she does keep beating your ass so I'd suggest you retire while your husband bangs some cheap trick named Cisco. Jill-Cher talks and my brain shuts down. While she thinks Cathy has big plans for Kendall, she wonders if it'll interfere with HER big plans.

Back in the Pitts, the girls rehearse the Frankie and Annette number and it looks kind of cute, until Jabba the Lee shouts out the ever popular "Point your foot or I'll break it" criticism. All she has to do is sit on it. In the Observe-bitching Mezzanine, the moms discuss Paige's surgery. Kelly laments that Paige will be super upset if she can't do the trio but Melissa the SuperSnatch asks if Kelly can postpone the surgery. Keep in mind, Kelly has postponed this surgery 15 TIMES. Big differences in motherhood. Now the moms discuss Nia as a possible replacement for the trio, just in case. Holly thinks Abby sees only one thing in Nia and it's frustrating. The moms wonder if Holly should go discuss it with Abby but, let's not forget, not everyone can see eye to eye with the Lard Queen. Holly prepares herself like she's about to star in "The Exorcist" and the moms salute her luck.
Basically, it plays out normally at first. Holly politely asks if she can see Abby (despite it's during rehearsal), who proceeds to, putting it lightly, flip the fuck out. Now, Jabba the Lee screams at Holly that she was planning to use Nia as a swing just in case but we're wondering WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL HER THIS AT AN EARLIER TIME?! Christi wonders just why doesn't Abby have any respect while Holly tells us that a mother's love trumps the roar of the dance teacher. PREACH. The fight goes on as usual until Fatty Patty totally loses it and screams that Holly get the hell out of the studio. I would beat her ass to a bloody PULP if she ever said that in front of my kid (if I ever have kids). While JTL tries to be witty by using phrases like "I'll show them detention!", Holly FINALLY does what we're all waiting for: Take her kid and vow to never return to the studio ever again. I started bowing at her presence.

Meanwhile, I think Abby could use Jill's pills.

It's now two days to the competition and Nia isn't there. When Abby asks (probably a good hour into rehearsal, who can tell by now?) about her whereabouts, the girls shrug and Brooke makes the same face I do when asked a dumb question. Jabba the Lee can't shove her foot in her mouth so somehow her statement "Holly really needs to grow up" comes out of her mouth. In the slowly deteriorating Observe-Bitching Mezzanine, Christi and Kelly muse that they're the only bitches left and Kelly isn't surprised by the Fatass' pushing. They also wonder if Holly will actually come back, and the possibility of her not return makes their hearts ache. If they lose her, they lose the voice of reason/rock to the group and it will be devastating. Oyish... and then JTL ruins it by saying "Everyone's replaceable." Does she hear herself when she talks?

Doctor's time for Paige to remove the warts. Since the competition is that weekend, she better heal quick before she bleeds all over the floor. The surgery, laser-ing the warts off, seems to go smoothly so not too much happens there. Elsewhere, Maddie rehearses her solo but I could care less about her being a great dancer and everything so I just pay attention to my girl, Chloe. Her solo is called "Send down your love" and she's happy to do a lyrical piece again. A quick pep talk to compete like the 12 year olds and she on her way. Just as quickly, we go to Ohio. Crazy Cathy has a gig for Kendall to perform at halftime at a Harlem Globetrotters game. Jill-Cher gushes about it and we're out of there.
Trio time. It's called "Les Divas" and Abby, like a SMART person, asks about Paige's feet. She tells her they're sore. Melissa asks about if she should be dancing at all but Kelly tells her that the doctor said that, at long as she didn't get a blister, then she is able to dance. The poor kid has bandaged her foot and Kelly knows Paige doesn't want to lose this chance. Abby's nervous for Paige and might pull the trio if she can't dance.

Holly makes a triumphant return a day and a half later, just in time for the team to leave tomorrow. She says that Nia really wants to return to dance and Abby wouldn't never let a parent hold a kid back. It's Nia who makes her own opportunity. Holly says that she's going to be the bigger person (no pun intended) in this pissing match. The mood in the Mezzanine is uplifted by Holly's presence, who confessionalizes that Nia loves to dance and it's her passion, and if it means to deal with that evil witch Abby (her words), so be it. More groveling. Abby's nervous for Nia since she missed a day and a half of rehearsal but Holly knows Nia just wants to do a good job. Then Nia rehearses her solo, with more nervousness, and JTL makes her squeeze a sharpie between her ankles, which seems kind of pointless.

The next day, and some Dance Moms: Miami promos later, the team leaves and Christi is relieved to leave snowy Pittsburgh behind for the sunny skies of Miami. When they arrive, Abby takes the girls to the beach while the moms relax by the poolside. Chloe is very happy for the free time, although the term "free time" is used pretty loosely judging by what happens next. Abby asks if any of the girls actually managed to watch Beach Blanket Bingo. Nia did! For she's a good student. Anyone else? Nope. They all must do push ups. Oh God Almighty, can't she give the dance teacher crap a rest?! Abby babbles some more but I was distracted by the rainbow flag flying behind Nia's head. Yahoo! Abby has Nia demonstrate some of the moves she saw in the movie, which include the swim and ponies and all those sixties moves. They practice a bit until Abby finally gathers a soul and lets them go swimming. The girls have a blast and even do some acro into the sea. I wish I could do acro into the sea but, then again, I haven't been near an ocean since, oh, 2007.

And I will wade out...

Those were the days. Oh, and the girls accidentally abandon Mackenzie (and a responsible cameraperson) at the shoreline. Her quip for the episode: "They almost left me at sea!" Love her. The moms discuss Paige and Kelly's hoping that if Paige is in too much pain that she'd tell her before her feet burst. Holly, however, is nervous for Nia since she's only been able to run her solo once with Abby. Uh ohs...

In some random basketball court, Kendall is about to perform at halftime, and I don't think Cathy or Jill-Cher has any clue where they are. One of them says it'll be like a cheerleader dance but, honey, it's kids dancing. People eat that shit up. Kendall's a little nervous since she has never performed for an audience this size before. Dressed as a pit crew member, she goes out to dance and does a pretty good job and gets high fives from all the 8 feet tall Globetrotters. Jill-Cher talks but I was distracted by the Globetrotters teaching Kendall how to spin a ball. You go, Daria!

The competition, which I didn't catch the name, is held at the Florida International University and is on a gym floor. Bum bum BUM! Paige is icing her feet and Abby is seriously considering pulling the number so she asks Paige if she's really up for dancing today. She thinks she can do it and the trio goes off the perform. As they do, Abby gushes about the costumes and I think that it's a solid number, considering LAST time. Paige is proud that her feet didn't rip into shreds that she got to perform. The group goes with Kelly and Melissa assisting with dragging the ginormous umbrella out into the floor. The number is all sorts of adorable until Melissa SuperSnatch screws it up and sucks up and Mackenzie does some weird stripper move I pull out at parties.
At the awards, Christi is confident that the group would win (and, of course, I almost agree with her). The group ends up winning third and the trio gets second. Instead of blowing a fuse, Abby looks on the bright side and is proud for the relatively high placings considering they were competing against high schoolers. Yikes.

Solo time comes as the girls hold hands. Melissa brings up the Texas tragedy because she needs to exploit her kid as much as possible. Speaking of, Maddie's up first and she's still making that weird competition face. I think the song's more expressive than she is, even when my sister butchers it by adding lesbian overtones. Thankfully, Chloe and her abs are next. She (and I) loves her costume but I can't help but think that I've heard the music somewhere before. Damn you, suspicions! She's great but stumbles a bit on the turns (which, of course, doesn't miss Abby's eyes). She's such a good noodle.
Nia goes and Holly's worried that the fight with Abby might have shaken her up a bit. Turns out, she's right as Nia freezes at the beginning and breaks my heart. She dashes off stage in tears into the arms of her friends with Holly close behind. Nia is upset that she forgot the routine and Holly manages to calm her down in a way which I WISH people could do every time. Melissa should take some notes since it's way more effective than what she does in her stage mom manner. Holly even manages to ask one of the competition officials if Nia could try again which, luckily, she can. You go, Comp Official! Nia rehearses in the dressing room when the giant billowing cloud of doom enters the room, speechless. She finally reminds Nia of competing again and tells us that this is a major lesson for us all: This business is tough and it's very rare second chances are given. Nia competes again and, though a bit sloppy, she gets through just fine. Holly is happy because Nia proved to herself that she can do it. You go, kid.

Now it's time for the solo awards, which I guess go by grade division. Nia ultimately wins third and Abby is proud of Nia's responsibility. Chloe wins second so obviously Maddie wins first. Abby is thrilled how all the solos placed. The dressing room is full of positive energy and Abby is happy with the success. The moms then joke around and say that they're taking a trip to B.E.D., which Holly quips "Club Bed". Bonus points for Holly for that one.

Next time on Dance Moms: Melissa sends a letter from her attorney to the moms as Christi wonder why would a friend sue friends. No more talks of weddings and divorces. Melissa sucks up to Cathy and something screwy is going on with the Crapples. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Dance Moms: Prostitots, the "Showgirls" Edition

Coming off the heels of the drama from last week, it's nice to hear Abby start off today's pyramid with glowing praise for the Wedding Dance win at Fire and Ice. She starts of the pyramid quickly (or I may have missed something while writing notes, I'm not too sure) with Paige at the bottom. She's not correcting her arms and they need to be much stronger. Brooke is next (complete with Kelly bitching about how her kids are at the bottom as per usual because THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING) and Abby yells at her SMILE DAMN IT. She really wants to give Brooke more solos but her brooding attitude is preventing her from doing that. Mackenzie is next because she's not at the level Maddie was at at her age (7) but Mackenzie isn't too bummed out by the snub. She's such a good kiddo. Chloe begins the middle as she needs to be a stronger competitor. Nia follows as Abby asks about how did she think about her solo. Nia thought she did pretty well but needs improvement and Holly is asked the same question, where she says she was very pleased. Abby thinks Nia a fantastic entertainer and that's her strength. Maddie's finally back on top after god knows how long so she can probably stop threatening her mother at gunpoint as Abby notes Maddie is a born leader and loves to dance. Note that none of the girls celebrate her return to the top.

For the competition this week, they're competing at Fire and Ice again. Before anyone has a chance to get confused, Abby explains that Fire and Ice is doing something new and adding an "Elite" version of the competition which is invitation only. Chloe and Maddie will be doing solos and everyone will be in the group this week. It's centered about showgirls (to which they cheer) but Abby wants the audience to think they are NUDE (to which everyone's jaw drops). Christi laments that no one would want to see their 10 year old dance naked in front of everyone and Macks innocently states that she doesn't want to be naked. Abby describes it as literally being a fan dance and the bigger the fan, the more coverage and she whines about how the moms are always upset by the more risque dances. UH, I WONDER WHY, FATTY PATTY? She then states she's the only professional in the room (and no one laughs this out of their system).

You know, with the booty shorts and inappropriate costumes and nude illusions, I would KILL to be at Abby's on the sole principle that I could parade around in skimpy clothes and not get in trouble for it. Here, in the theatre circuit, it's kind frowned upon (by 2 people. First world problem).

The Showgirls routine, titled "Fan-tastic" begins. Abby tells us that she's always wanted to work with big obnoxious fans as they are rich, exciting, and (my least favorite word ever), FUN! In the Observe-bitching mezzanine, the moms dish out on the whole "Nude" aspect of the dance. Holly understands pushing boundaries but this? THIS? NAKED KIDS? Yeah, that's waaaaaaaay too far! Christi tells Kelly about how people wonder why they drink. To change the topic, Melissa the Snatch brings up when they all wore the wedding dresses last week, but particularly gushes about Holly in the gown because, well, she's Holly and suggests she renew her vows. Complete with a party. Mel, honey, we all know you're getting married, don't try to bring up new plot lines. Some quick rehearsal shots to show that the girls are still living and Melissa announces she has to go pee like a racehorse. As she whizzes, Christi finds it very odd that the mattress would bring up Holly renewing her vows BUT nothing about her own engagement. Holly finds it to be fishy, Christi thinks Melissa thinks they're stupid and Kelly wonders why wouldn't she tell them since they're her friends and all. At any rate, Kelly brings up plan B: Crash the wedding. Good plan.
The rehearsals continue until 10 at night. Someone (I think either Kelly or Abby, I forget) notes that, while they may be working too hard, this is how they win (it has to be Abby). Now, I've done many a rehearsal where we've gone from 10 to 10 but that's because I was old enough to take it all. These kids ARE ONLY 10. They're practically babies! But, oh no, it just gets better. THE BITCH KEEPS THE SPEDS TO PRACTICE MORE. She lets the other girls who have the piece down home, which leaves Brooke, Paige and I think Nia to perfect it until 11 at night. Now I'm pretty sure that's illegal to do but, then again, what do I know? Poor Paige is exhausted and cranky. She's practically sleeping standing up. Honey, I feel your pain. This reminds me of the time I was in a production of Sweeney where we spent an entire tech rehearsal on ACT ONE. All I remember was the next day, my acting professor felt bad for me as I was practically wiped out and fell asleep in a chair almost immediately. I think she let the class (consisting of two other guys) go free because of it. She's such a great professor. Anyway, memory lane is finished. Paige is worried about her singing test at school the next day and Kelly does her best to keep her calm while Jabba the Lee shouts at them to get in there to spruce up the number.

At Cathy's abode in Ohio, we FINALLY meet her husband, Mike, and I'm most positively certain that he is closeted. Crazy Cathy tells us he's running a beef jerky store and it's a new business venture for him. He serves Vivi her cereal and, truth me told, I can't stand seeing anyone eat cereal. I don't know why but, when I do, I want to throw up. Literally. Vivi eating her breakfast nearly did that for me. Mike wants to film a commercial to promote the business and they think they should use Cathy's kids in the commercial, including Vivi, who doesn't voice her opinion. Dance for jerky! FREE VIVI.

It's the three day mark for the ALDC girls and the huge pink fans arrive so the girls can work with them, since Abby is not only the queen of ethnic dances, she is the queen of burlesque as well. Someday, she says, one of these girls will be a stripper showgirl. Yep, that's REALLY dreaming big. However, I do enjoy the phrases Abby uses so the girls can execute the emotions accurately (or something). They go along the lines of "You can't have me! You can't afford me!" Words I say every single day. Paige says that she's a fan of the fans (not her words) because she's never really worked with them before. The moms express that being a showgirl just might have been on of Abby's dream. But I think we stop short of visualizing Melissa as a showgirl when the question is asked if Maddie likes dancing naked. WTF? No, says Mel. THANK GOODNESS. Abby teaches the girls this really weird reveal move that they repeat seventy times and Christi thinks it's too much and I think I'm getting extremely uncomfortable. Then Kelly (I think) says that Abby's imagining she's naked underneath the fans. KELLY, STOP IT RIGHT NOW, YOU STRANGE PERVERTED WOMAN!!! Mackenzie does her thing in the dance and the moms all cringe.

We go off to the CLOTHED rehearsals, which are the solos. Maddie's solo, a lyrical number, is titled "I'm Already There". Naturally, she loves it and Abby says this is choreography that is beyond her age level of 9 but she's still doing the same old moves. Melissa really loves the song but I didn't really listen to her because she was basically sucking up to the audience. Chloe's next and she's doing a piece called "The Raven." OOooooooooooooOoo (well, I've already established my love for ravens back in a Project Runway post). Abby says that while Chloe's a great dancer, she's always in Maddie's shadow so she's giving her a dark piece to utilize her acting strengths. You do your thing, girl.

Over in Ohio, we find that this jerky store is conveniently located next to the Crapple's studio. Because Cathy truly is a lunatic. Her beard husband brings her lunch and they talk about the commercial. He says it's going to cost about a cool $100,000 to produce so Cathy thinks it's a good idea to offset some of the money by letting her take control of the commercial. She claims she has the experience to makes things fabulous. Keep in mind, the woman wears dead Muppets as fashion and has her girls spray paint their faces and tries to pass it off as makeup. Looking at her computer's wallpaper, I'm almost positive it's a picture of THE (ONCE) UNDEFEATED TRIO OF SACRED GROUND from last season, so it's a possibility that this woman is insanely obsessed with Abby. Cathy says she needs a star but I was distracted by other things. My theory about her husband being so far in the closet is solidified when they air kiss.

It's costume time for the moms in Pittsburgh. The tops are pulled out but Holly shoots them down by saying that they're practically band-aids. Even Mackenzie doubts the flesh toned tops by asking how will it fit her and that it would fit her American Girl dolls better. LMAO! After a suck up by Melissa, Nia showcases the costume, where she thinks that she feels beautiful and her body looks pretty in it but I was too busy weeping. It's really a flesh toned bra with white booty shorts (natch) and, while Christi doesn't think they're that bad, but their fathers would murder them if they saw them dressed like this. Abby says the bras will be bedazzled to spruce it up a bit. She tells us that it's about the ILLUSION of nudity since we all know they're wearing tops. They're going to be covered and it's going to be harmless. I'm pretty sure the pedobears in the audience will be thinking the same thing.

Crazy Cathy calls Christi to see if Chloe will be in the commercial. While Christi isn't her most favorite person in the world, she does know Chloe has video experience due to her starring status in the MAJOR MUSIC VIDEO from last season. Christi furthers my "Homo-Husband" theory by telling Cathy that she remembers her telling her about her husband, the SAUSAGE KING OF OHIO. I spat out my drink. Cathy needs her to make a decision NOW but Christi is going to give her the benefit of the doubt since last time Crazy Cathy PUSHED HER. Meanwhile, her hair changes, like, three times in each confessional. Nice editing, you guys.
At the two day mark, Kelly suggests throwing a surprise engagement party for Melissa, since we all know about it and Kelly hasn't thrown a party in three episodes. She ponders about how, since they're all friends, they should be excited for her but why does she want to be so secretive about it. Anyway, Holly's for the idea. Kelly asks "What's a perfect gift for someone who doesn't want attention?" Her answer: A male stripper of course! Since she's the voice of reason and has a respectable job, Holly will chaperone the kids out of the room while the rest of the moms have fun with the poor soul who will strip for them. Holly believes Melissa would be upset by this but, hey, you'll never know.

It's commercial time! The Apple's are in those hideous cowboy costumes and the cameraman is getting pissed at Powercrazy Cathy. Christi and Chloe arrive after the 2 1/2 hour drive (yes, I had to look it up. How sad is that? Almost as sad as reading that the Candy Apple's Dance studio is the "Only #1 Studio!" in the county. WHICH IS IT?) and Christi is really hoping she's doing the right thing. Of course not but still. Oh, and when does Chloe wear glasses? Cathy wants the costume to be Gaga-ish so she channeled the Meat dress and came up with a poorly constructed dish rag that is a body suit with jerky glued to it. It is the most disgusting, horrifying thing that I have ever seen and I'm so sorry poor Chloe had to wear that AND put up with Cathy. Christi's professionalism is keeping her from clocking Cathy square in the face but, MAN, that is one fugly costume. Then again, this was expected of trashy Cathy: To belittle Chloe I mean. Poor Christi notes how degrading it is to go from the glammed up music video to wearing a unitard from a retard. Yeah, I went there. But Chloe is getting TONS of points for putting up with this like a trooper. Christi is just telling herself this is just a job but she can't believe Chloe's missing slut practice for this.

Speaking of, Abby still can't notice anyone's missing from this group until a good half hour into the rehearsal but, unlike Brooke (most likely because this is the two day mark, not the night before), she simply pushes through. Weird. And she knocks Maddie for doing ponies instead of something else. But that is all that happens there.

We return to the Fire and Ice competition, where Abby stresses the team HAS to win. And they're gonna do it AGAIN. But, the best part of this competition: It's invite only and that means NO CANDY APPLES. There is a god after all. And I actually agree with her wish of banning the Crapples from any competition they attend. But, before any nonsense can happen, let's look at the professional commercial Chloe took part in. Basically, there is absolutely no dancing whatsoever and Chloe's featured for about 2 seconds, about a second longer than even Vivi (FREE VIVI!!!). The woman who trained Ditz (Miranda. She's the girl with the longest hair.) Abby isn't surprised by Crazy Cathy "soliciting" Chloe and basically treating her like a pile of dirt. Then Jabba the Lee proceeds to bash Chloe for the embarrassing commercial as Chloe tries her hardest not to cry. Christi regrets the whole commercial thing but, hey, a story has to happen somehow. Long story short: Another pissing match between Abby and Christi and Christi is offended that Abby called her a weirdo (because other four letter words aren't as harsh as "weirdo") as I pray that Chloe does well, considering she tells us that she gets super nervous whenever Abby yells at her a lot.

By the way, My brain and I are very grateful that Jill-Cher is nowhere to be found this episode so I don't have to throw my drink at the screen.

Time for THE RAVEN. Chloe enjoys it when she gets to be intense in her dances and Christi likes how Chloe can be a total contrast of her actual, sweet self. Do I really need to say that I'm in love with this solo? Abby liked it too but, as always, it could've been better. Of course. Maddie and her totally tubular 80's dress. Chloe tells us that Maddie inspires her to be a better dancer due to the heavy competition implied between them. As always, Maddie does well with her goofy competition face and standard aerials and moves. Abby says she makes it look easy but I say, "Oh come on..."

On to the showgirls routine. Chloe expresses that she's never really done anything like THIS before and begins to giggle about being nekkid while wearing clothes. Because naked is still funny to kids, unlike adults. We just insist on it. But still, this just isn't Chloe's episode. They finally goes but it starts off kind of sloppy and the moms cringe. Abby proudly states that the moms better keep their mouths shut about this, as it's obvious she's confidant they'll win. Cue the JUDGES cringing at the piece. It's a mess and Mackenzie doesn't make the piece that much better. Melissa continues to be a grating snatch and sucks up some more and dances in the audience. Holly tells us she could hear audience members hollering at her 10 year old daughter and has never felt so offended before. Christi sums it up the best: "First the meat suit, now this..." Brooke thought they did well and she liked the bras, but I think even she couldn't say that with a straight face. Abby's land of delusion continues as she thought there was NOTHING nasty about it and, if she were a betting woman, she'd bet this could win. I'll take the Vegas odds on that one.

Awards time begins with the solos. Chloe gets second place and Maddie wins overall. Act surprised. Oh, and hi Gia!! Christi and Kelly dash off to get the greenroom ready for the surprise party so they can make it back in time for the group awards. Christi opens a champagne bottle like a pro but that's not nearly as interesting as hearing that THIS IS MELISSA'S THIRD MARRIAGE?! The two just want to let loose and Christi tells us they're always looking for an excuse for fun. Because that's not surprising either. You know what else was to be the cherry on top of the sundae of predictability? The group not winning. Well, Abby's not too bummed about it. Like a good sport (I think I had a stroke), she tells us that it's not always about winning but it's about teaching the team something new. Of course. Melissa chalks up the loss by saying that there were many talented groups there. I'll bet the skankiness of the routine has nothing to do with the loss.

The party doesn't really go off as planned and Melissa is crestfallen. She's never told anyone she was getting married (YOU TOLD THE ENTIRE NATION LAST WEEK, YA DUMB SLUT). Then the "heating man" comes in and Holly goes according to plan to escort the kids out to wash off all that makeup. Melissa's shocked and thinks this is trashy but I guess this is where Maddie's "humble" attitude comes from. She leaves. Christi calls her a hypocrite. Agreed. Well, it was nice to see Abby let loose and get a lap dance from the guy and she practically has a BALL! Now, I would regret saying any of that but, eh, she wasn't so irritating this episode and the stripper wasn't even that hot.

Next week: The girls head down to Miami, Paige goes to see a doctor, Holly drives off after a heated argument with Abby and Cathy sets Kendall up for failure by giving her an opportunity.

Dance Moms: Hell's Bells

It's a brand new episode of Dance Moms that proves to be all sorts of producer influenced drrrrrrama for the mamas. First, I'm positive Chloe and Paige are sharing dancewear, as I've seen Chloe wear Paige's white ensemble in an earlier episode, and I'm convinced they're on some sort of dance welfare. Abby lets the team know that this week's competition, Fire and Ice, is another Pittsburgh based competition but, unlike Starpower, it's chock full of people Abby knows and are familiar with her juggernaut studio. She has a reputation to uphold (beyond the one she kind of tarnished on this show) so they better do their best. With that pyramid time begins...

As expected, Kendall's on the bottom. And I would've been more surprised to hear she was back on probation if Lifetime didn't spoil the episode by allowing us to know that in the sneak peek. And bumpers. Immediately, Jill-Cher drops her baskets and screams at either loud or louder volumes as Abby explains that, beyond having a psycho mom, Kendall has pretty bad posture and a lack of body awareness. Christi points out Jill-Cher's bitchiness and Abby reeeeeeeeally wishes that she had a picture of Jill to put on the pyramid, since she is the one screwing her daughter over. Kendall begins crying and, while Abby wasn't all too surprised by the She-Beast's reaction, she was devastated by Kendall's since it was NEVER her intention to hurt her in this manner. Jill-Cher grabs poor Kendall and goes on some delusional rant since it's pretty clear she's living vicariously through her kid. In possibly the only honest confessional she's going to have in this episode, Kendall exclaims that she doesn't want to leave since she loves to dance. Poor child...

WELL, after that fiasco, Abby moves along with the ceremony. Paige is on the bottom for forgetting the trio number last week, and Brooke is next because she's a whiny brooding teen who's going to have to fake it 'till she makes it. Mackenzie follows with that she's getting better but should take more ballet classes to work on her technique. In the middle is dream team Chloe and Maddie, the latter who redeemed herself last time. And, because Abby was told by the producers to actually be fair and civil of her hard work and determination, NIA is on top, as those qualities are far more important than any trophy. Too true. The entire room celebrates and it's a wonderful sight.
For the dances this week, Nia will be getting a solo where she'll portray a princess. The group dance will be centered around weddings and marriage and it's called "Head over Heels". Abby has been inspired to do this piece because, well, SOMEONE, a particular mattress, has a bit of a secret that might have to do with this. GEE I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE? Mackenzie questions about if she's a bit too young to be getting married. Melissa reveals that, yes, she's engaged. What a shock. Oh, and Abby wants the dads to be there to cheer them on or, in a way, "give their daughters away." Of course.

In the Mezzanine, the moms discuss Jill-Cher basket moment. They all speculate that she'll go back to her old studio but Melissa's really hoping Jill-Cher will change her mind and return to Abby's, because now she's that slab of meat the moms are going to devour without Jill-Cher around to keep them busy. The moms do praise Kendall in a way since she does deserve better than this. Meanwhile, Nia rehearses her solo and Abby's voice sounds much higher and strained for some reason. The piece is called "I'll do Anything for You" and it's an acro routine, which Nia believes is her strength. Christi points out that not only is Nia on top this week but it's not an ethnic number either, to the delight of Holly. Yay! But, because she needs attention, Melissa is questioned about if Jill-Cher will really come back. So she goes to call her when she notices A TEXT FROM JILL-CHER WAS SENT. The text says that she wants something better for "K" and returning to her old studio. Christi's assumption was right. "Call a spade a spade" says she, along with how she's glad Jill-Cher's gone since she wasn't a fantastic presence towards the kids. Agreed.
During all this, Jill-Cher is still talking (what else is new?) about the blowout and that Kendall should deserve better. All the while, Kendall looks very terrified. Jill-Cher calls up a new studio... called Candy Apples, to see if she'll look at Kendall. Crazy Cathy wants to be sure that Jill-Cher has severed all ties with Abby. Now Kendall REALLY should worry. Free Kendall!!!!!

At the four day mark, Abby works with Mackenzie in the dressing room on her legs while classes go on. She not-so-subtly brings up wedding talk with her, Maddie and Chloe in an attempt to pry some information. Maddie tells us, eerily glumly, that her mom wants to keep the ceremony a bit low key (so let's put this out there on national television). Chloe jokes around some STORY, complete with dramatic accent, before Maddie quickly tells her to shut up. I'm starting to think someone doesn't want her mom to re-marry... Before Abby can ask about the STORY, the girls go to rehearse their solos for the competition (since the focus is on Nia and everything, let's not ruin it with their solos). Before Mackenzie could get a chance to leave, Abby attempts to get her to be a double agent, asking about the STORY. Mackenzie tells us that she doesn't like to tell Abby anything because "she's a blabbermouth." Out of the mouth of babes.

The moms go to Babette's Bridal Shop to get some inspiration for the girls' wedding costumes but, of course, this also translates to "try on as many gowns as humanly possible like theatre students let loose in the costume shop." So I go crazy about playing dress up. Act surprised. Anyway, I love it when the moms are like this. While the married women recount their weddings, Melissa says she doesn't want a new poofy gown for this wedding. Oh shut up. Kelly's the first to try on a gown but, um, well... she's not wearing underwear. Of course. Christi doesn't get why Melissa wants to keep this engagement under wraps SINCE WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT ANYWAY. What a snatch that Melissa is.

At Candy Assholes, Kendall and the Succubus arrive. Jill's nervous but wants to be a place where Kendall (well, mostly Jill-Cher) while Crazy Cathy is thrilled since she's a... well, it's a four lettered word that's a little to harsh to post, but it starts with a C. Jill-Cher already panics over wearing shoes on the floor, which Cathy shoots down by saying she has a cleaning lady to clean the floors. I'm livid by this and Cathy should be stripped of her title of "dance coach". You see, not only are floors expensive, but shoes have dirt and grit in it that, if a bare foot dances on that, then blood would spread across the floor, which can't be cleaned like other floors. Just who did Cathy have to bang to be a "Dance coach"? I'm serious. Jill-Cher thinks this will be a great experience for Kendall as she auditions and that this is Cathy's way of appreciating them. I'm calling bullshit but who cares now.

In the merry old land of Pittsburgh, the girls rehearse the wedding dance some more. A brief piss match over Mackenzie's top and whether or not she has puppy or bat silhouettes on it (who cares?!), Abby discusses costumes. They're going the whole nine yards with this costume, complete with nosegays and garters. In a way, says Abby, the dads will be there to give away their daughters to their husbands, Dance (and, with Abby's methods, I wouldn't be surprised if "Dance" really turned out to be "Earl".) Mackenzie, ever the smart one, doesn't want to marry dance. Actually, she'd rather marry Justin Bieber. Or, as I lovingly refer to the artist, Justine Bieber. Points taken from Mackenzie.
While Abby complains about the dads whining about dance ('cause they're men and have testosterone and got married and had kids and have penises and everything), the big question comes direct from Quip Queen Christi: Who is Melissa going to bring? The daddy or the sugardaddy? (200 points for that one). Turns out Kurt (the old husband) is busy for this piece (he's partying or something) and Greg (the mysterious pimp) won't be attending because it'll be too weird. RATS! The moms are now really confused and Kelly doesn't get why Melissa gets all crazy by the sound of Kurt's name being said. I wonder how she might react watching an episode of Glee. The moms discuss the costumes and I think Melissa thinks these are the best costumes yet. In the Mezzanine, she half-jokingly states she should've had them torn up her old dress to make the costumes. Oh, and NO NEW DRESSES FOR HER as the other moms protest since it's a memory she might pass on to her daughters (well, aside from their time being berated by Jabba the Lee anyway).

Meanwhile, I think the extra special guest, Abby's Humanity, has returned for an Emmy nomination.

Over in the not-so-pleasant land of Canton, Jill-Cher continues the cycle of deja-vu of introducing herself to the Apple Moms with her 900 number voice. They don't know what they're getting themselves into. She talks about things being a battlefield but, for some reason, I stopped paying attention. The moms celebrate the newbie by drinking apple cider, because Crazy Cathy is a total poser: She tries to pass off as rich but really is cheap trash. While Kendall rehearses, Jill-Cher opens her mouth to tell us that she didn't think Kendall wasn't dancing with Abby (then what WAS she doing in her solos, groups, and trio? WALKING?). Crazy Cathy and her methods of delusion tells us that nice corrections lead to nice results. She says this as Kendall demonstrates one of the most sloppiest aerials I have ever seen her do. In the Mom holding room, the cool-looking mom who, I deduce, is the mother to Justice, the boy on the Apple team, and who I'll call Rhea until I find out her real name, asks Jill-Cher if the other moms from Abby's know she's there. Nope, says the big mouth. Meanwhile, Cathy Hannigan learns from Kendall that Nia's on top of the pyramid and, for a while, I wondered how did she know that until I remembered, duh, Jill-Cher and Melissa's friendship means leaked information. Anyhow, Nia and Kendall would be going head to head (sure), Jill-Cher believes Abby's gonna miss Kendall, and I could feel my IQ dropping in the worst possible way.

Nia rehearses her solo as the moms question Melissa's engagement. Is that huge rock on her hand for real or out of "friendship with benefits"? Kelly doesn't get why she's being so secretive and, frankly, so do I... until someone asks IF KURT KNOWS ABOUT THIS. Christi astutely notes that they're going to have to come to terms with this and move on with life. Then Holly scores some major points with me as she unwittingly brings up sex talk as the moms talk about Melissa's snatch and how it hasn't been licked recently. Because we all needed an image of Melissa's hairy-- I'll stop right now.

It's time for the competition as Abby pushes her dog, Broadway Baby, in a pink stroller (my dad, who watches this show with me and possibly questions my sanity, said that dog was the ugliest thing he has ever seen). She's greeted with open arms and everything due to her reputation and that everyone loves (to hate) her. Soon, the Crapples arrive with Vivi wearing some hideous hat that her mother probably forced her to wear. Jill-Cher's nervous about this (more deja-vu) and is worried that Christi and Kelly will shoot her with a shotgun. I would pay BIG MONEY to see that happen. In the Assles' dressing room, Cathy wants to go over Kendall's solo and makeup while Jill-Cher wants Abby to see what she made her do (Is that a threat? Because it sounds more like a cry for help. I mean, winning numbers from Jabba the Lee or 8th place with the Apples?). Jill-Cher notes the different mood change and my brain cells began to commit suicide until she notes how horrendous and tasteless the makeup is on this team. I mean, purple eyeshadow with an orange outfit? That was horrible enough in the 80's. Just how delusional IS Cathy?

During a staged meeting between the teams, Cathy becomes a nasty bitch in two seconds by criticizing Abby rolling Broadway Baby around in a stroller. Of course, Abby didn't kidnap adopt a Guatemalan girl only to force her to do things she doesn't want to do or like, such as dance and paint her room pink. At the sight of Kendall on the team, Abby's shocked, Christi wonders why Jill-Cher left Freddy to go with Jason, and Maddie wanted to cry. The worst is Holly's admission that seeing Kendall on the Crapples was like being punched in the stomach, especially realizing she's Nia's competition. Christi's not too too surprised by this but Holly feels betrayed and that Jill-Cher is a low level, white trash, ass sucking bitch a traitor. Meanwhile, I find it amazing that they manage to squeeze the remaining moms AND a cameraman into a bathroom, where the moms discuss this.

Backstage, Nia and Kendall have a civil chat because they're still kids. In the confessional, Kendall proves she's being fed her lines since she's basically repeating everything her mother says in a stoic tone. After telling us she's nervous, Ms. Nia, the princess, goes first. It's a little shaky but she's a brilliant actress. Holly thought she was wonderful and cries out of pride for her daughter. Aww. Even Abby thought she was wonderful but needed technique, but I'll let that slide since Nia's fantastic. Kendall's next and Abby's enjoying the routine... because Jabba the Lee recognizes that IT'S HER CHOREOGRAPHY AND HER COSTUME. That made me laugh, especially since I kind of sided with her since Cathy obviously can't do anything in a week. I also questioned Nia and Kendall being in the same category. I mean, wouldn't they be in separate ones since Nia's about 10 and Kendall's 8? *shrugs* Anyway, the mood in the ALDC dressing room is loving as Nia is congratulated for her beautiful solo. It's a sweet scene.

Before the Wedding dance, Christi is seen calling Mark, her husband, wondering if he can make it. He can't but Chloe doesn't mind. She understands why he can't come. What a sweet kid she is! Melissa throws a bouquet for kicks and Chloe and Paige battle it out like real bridesmaids at a wedding over it in a hysterical manner. Mackenzie has a hissy fit because she's 7 and didn't catch the damn thing so Melissa tries to cheer her up by being a stage mom. Mackenzie loses more points by stating she's "emotional". Oh brother... she does wish her dad was there but Lifetime-movie-in-the-making Maddie doesn't tell us what she thinks. The brides go to dance and it's a pretty solid piece. Mackenzie wins back some points by saying, "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride".
The Candy Assholes, always one to attempt one-up-man-ship, do the exact opposite of ALDC and dance a piece about a funeral. Oh God almighty. Again, the WOMEN of the group dance all pretty like but the CHILDREN of the group (Vivi, Justice, and some little girl who appears to be about 4) only walk onstage, raise their arms, and walk off. Because Cathy would do anything to beat JTL. It is cheesier than cheese. Cathy, My Chemical Romance called. They want their (better executed) concept back.

At awards, The Wedding piece takes the overall junior group prize. Yay! Unfortunately, Kendall wins the solo category and Holly feels she was set up. She feels Nia was a pawn for this competition (by that, she means the Kendall vs. Nia bullshit) and that this was everything for her. Poor Nia is devastated and I'm pretty sure it's not just the snub, it's because she was snubbed and her father was there too. Her parents comfort her to the best of their ability and it's pretty touching, until JTL come billowing in and tells her to stop being so emotional. Meanwhile, Crazy Cathy gives Jill-Cher an official (and Godawful) Apple's jacket. It's a denim jacket with a Bedazzled apple on the back that is so hideous, the 80's would burn it. Jill-Cher speaks about no probation and I flurgerhen butter laura ibsen condelleeza shwarmy pormy soup.

Oh, hey, I found some brain cells! Holly is livid about this whole thing. It wouldn't matter if it was Abby, she's used to that, but when she discovered a former member would go against HER daughter for drama, that was the last straw. She leaves after she expresses disgust about this situation to a somewhat concerned Abby. Then, the Apples confront Abby once again. Cathy makes the laughably-wrong statement that there WILL be a day when they'll win (when hell freezes over). I'm pretty sure Rhea was standing in the middle to referee since that was the only interesting thing during this fight. Abby brings up Cathy stealing her choreography while Cathy does either a tap-dance/the Soulja boy dance to tell Abby she wouldn't want to steal her choreography. Because she's definitely that mature to do that.

Next Week: Abby plans a Showgirls dance, complete with Pedobear approved nude costumes. And Cathy has some commercial thing so she brings in Chloe to boost it up a bit. I'm already confused. But maybe that's because Jill-Cher was talking still.