Side note: I really don't like their accents on this show. By that, words like "all" end up sounding like "awl", kind of like a Long Islander but less obnoxious. And "older" sounds like "ohwlder". And it sounds kind of childish. That's just me though. Totally irrelevant. Back to the show.
Pyramid time begins with the news that Kendall is finally off probation! She can
Mackenzie is on the bottom once again. She did a solo at the last competition and did pretty well but she must do better this time around. Nia follows due to the role snub in the Trashy Schoolgirl dance. Paige is next, mostly because she didn't have a solo or was part of the trio last time so there's not much to judge her on. Kendall rounds out the bottom row because, even though she's off probation, her technique needs a LOT of work.
In the middle, Maddie is next and, if she isn't going to have an aneurysm by now, this should do it. Yeah, she's a great dancer and everything and she won and stuff but she has to be challenged and work a hell of a lot harder. Chloe is next. Abby wants her to give 'em what they want. But before we can hear any more, the moms show concern over if Peyton really is on the top. Kelly wonders that if that's the case then Abby is off her rocker. I mean, Peyton pretty much acted like an even worse teenager than Brooke ever would be, why should she get the top? But back to Chloe. She needs to really intimidate her competition. Uh, that sweet thing? Don't count on it.
The mystery is solved over the top... IT'S BROOKE!!!! I did both the victory cheer AND the dance of confusion. Peyton cries while Christi confessionalizes how proud she is of Brooke. Not only did Abby take her back after she went off to cheer, but she STILL managed to get top spot. You go, sister! (Her words) Brooke will be getting a solo but Jabba the Lee DEMANDS that she wins.
Peyton's given the boot. Aside from her attitude last time, she just doesn't fit this group since she's practically three times bigger than the other girls, including Brooke. Plus, your mom's a raging bitch. Mama Leslie Rose proves this by going batshit insane. She screams about loyalty like a crazy person on the subway. Kelly ropes herself into this and the class just drops and drops and drops. If you're going to fight, DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. Leslie grabs Peyton and storms out, claiming to find another studio that'll give her the attention she needs (yeah, a psych ward... oh wait, you mean Peyton). Bottom line: Some get in, some don't. That's life. Later, crazy lady.
TO THE DANCES. Gia! is choreographing the group number. It's called avalanche and it's like the fall of cheerleading. Or something like that, I don't know. In the Mom Box, the women are shrieking about Peyton. Literally. Mostly from Jill-Cher. Christi says that once Kendall and Jill were off probation, Jill-Cher's mouth and so-called "opinions" was off too. Uh-ohs. Kelly can tell Abby is going to give Brooke a hard time and put too much pressure on her, considering she hasn't danced in two weeks. As for Jill-Cher, she's gonna be a lot more honest now. Suddenly, whining about Maddie is back in with these moms and there's talk about the trio as well. Jill-Cher is bitching about how Kendall hasn't been given a special role in any of these dances yet. Oh this should end well. She also says Nia's a weak link in this group, irritating Holly greatly. The REAL Jill-Cher is out now, and it's not pretty.
Brooke's solo is a piece titled Starry Night. It's a space age themed piece and she'll be portraying an alien from another planet... "kind of like her mother". Zing! Abby stresses that Brooke better do well this week. Elsewhere, Mackenzie practices her solo in a party hat. It's called "The Party Starts Right Now" and it's another acro routine, which she likes. Abby comically shrieks about her sickled feet and confessionalizes that she wants her to dance like Maddie did when she was seven. Ugh... however, she is impressed by how much Macks has improved, especially since she learned her piece in 30 minutes. Girl gots skillz.
In the group rehearsal, we learn Paige actually has some relevance on this show as she gets a bit of a featured role in the number (she starts it off alone). Jill-Cher whines about Kendall not having a solo spot. WELL WAIT IN LINE, says Kelly, 'CAUSE PAIGE NEVER GETS A SPECIAL PART. Jill-Cher's dehumanization begins when she starts to go stage-mom over Kendall's so called "treatment". Melissa the Snatch, however, doesn't want anyone to bitch about the piece so she suggests they stop watching it. Melissa doesn't want Jill-Cher to be treated like a doormat, y'know kind of like how everyone thinks Melissa is (Honey, you're not just a door mat. You're also a royal mattress). Jill-Cher then proceeds to go down to bitch about it to Gia!, who handles it quite well with no screaming from either party... even when Abby confront Gia! over why Jill-Cher came down to talk with her. You go, Gia!! Christi believes that Jill-Cher probably considers Kendall to be the greatest dancer since Anna Pavlova, which rocketed her to my favorite mom as she's not only a smart-ass, but she's also smart. I still wish to be the live in maid.
Kelly the Party Gal holds YET ANOTHER PARTY FOR BROOKE this time celebrating her brief tenure as a Cheerleader and successfully rejoining the dance team, head intact. Jill-Cher enters and the energy dies. Christi attempts to explain to Jill-Cher how things work here and that using money isn't the smartest decision. Holly the Magnificent points out that Jill-Cher should NEVER bribe her way to the top. Jill-Cher then turns the knife back to Christi and asks if she would ever do that to boost her kid and Christi vehemently and honestly replies she would never do that. She would never be an ass kisser like Melissa the Snatch or Jill-Cher. Holly also notes that Melissa is Abby's "friend", and, as such, is the root of all the tension in the group. Melissa gets pissy and storms out of the house with her kids. Jill-Cher is aware that Melissa's kids are well liked by Abby which is why they get the private lessons (plausible). Christi thinks Jill-Cher is turning the group upside so she kicks her out of Kelly's house. And Jill-Cher promptly leaves.
The next day, Melissa and Jill-Cher go shopping to vent about the previous night. Melissa once again feels threatened because of her 9 year old DAUGHTER, which probably means she totally forgot Mackenzie exists again. Melissa likes Jill-Cher, even when Jill-Cher is being a backstabbing bitch and saying she won't be a
One day to the competition, Mackenzie practices her solo. She wishes she could be in the group piece this week but she loves her solo. And she gets applause from Abby! WHO CRIES AND IS SPEECHLESS! I have reason to believe that Mackenzie is a miracle worker. Abby has an epiphany about why she does the what she does: Cause she loves seeing her kids succeed. Or something like that. Following her is Brooke and, while happy she's back, Abby's a bit frustrated since Brooke's struggling a bit. Though Brooke now wants to be a role model for the girls, she still wants to do her own thing. However, I do see that while Abby is berating her, Brooke isn't bursting into tears like she would before. Maybe cheerleading did something to her?
Some time later, Gia! and Abby are discussing a jazz piece when Jill-Cher bursts into the room. She has a surprise for them! Oh sweet Jesus, what is she gonna do now? As it turns out, Jill-Cher pulls out the big guns and has arranged massages for each of them, proving she is, in fact, an ambitious nightmare willing to do anything for her kid. Side Note: I never want to imagine JTL naked and all oiled up EVER AGAIN. Oh, she even says, "It was "Kendall's idea." Right, sucking up through massage really is the work of an innocent 8 year old. Abby states that Jill-Cher is congenial but, you know, buying her gifts and everything isn't going to make her kid get any better (it's called practice). The other moms, except for Melissa, are waiting in the dressing room, wondering where the hell IS everyone. Jill-Cher then enters and Christi takes a peek in the studio. She quickly takes her head out before she's spotted/her eyes can bleed as she feels horrible for the "masseuse". Kelly and Holly take a peek too and they are appalled. Holly is none too pleased, especially when Jill-Cher has the audacity to call her the "Absentee Mom". Now, Christi has seen some crazy dance moms in the past but Jill-Cher is on a WHOOOOOOOLE NEW LEVEL. Kelly believes Jill-Cher was on medications before entering this studio but now has seem to run out. Another plausible theory. It's a horrible fight, culminating in Christi getting all ghetto on Jill-Cher when she calls Chloe "only second" or something like that.
Time to go to Starbound but the bus trip isn't too interesting beyond Jabba the Lee, the Giant Black Cloud according to Christi, yelling at the bus driver, who uses sarcasm to deal with JTL. Hey, if you know the roads of America so masterfully, why don't YOU buy a bus and drive, moron?!
They arrive at the venue (a high school in East Islip. I am so sorry for anyone who lives there) in one piece. But they're still believing that they're National champions like it's a big deal. Jill-Cher reeeeeeeally gets on my nerves as she constantly brings up Kendall's lack of solo. Bitch, she's not gonna get any until you act humane. Abby isn't buying it and begs Kendall to tell her mom to shut up. Even if she did, it ain't gonna happen. Poor Kendall. Christi tells Jill-Cher to shut up and yet another fight erupts between the moms. An official comes in and unfortunately witnesses the carnage. All she wanted to do was fetch Brooke and Mack for their solos. Poor unnamed official.
JTL compares Mack to Maddie, saying she better start dancing like her sister did when she was 7. Ugh, leave her alone. She's a cutie in her solo and does fantastically. Abby says that she made her feel excited watching her. Yay! Brooke is next and while she's under a lot of pressure, she's ready to give it her all. Abby wants her to prove herself. Her music is kind of weird and it's obvious this isn't her best dance.
For the solo awards, Macks gets 1st in junior petite! HOORAY! She felt great winning! Abby knows she's going to follow in Maddie's footsteps but, hopefully, we won't get to see her be all snarky and faux-humble. Brooke, on the other hand, wins 3rd in her division, causing worry from Kelly. She says that if Brooke's truly had enough of dance, then go replace her. Brooke is definitely worried about being taken off the team for her placing but, to everyone's surprise, Abby doesn't. In fact, she thinks she did very well. Phew!
It's time for the group number but, before they go on, Abby wants to look all purdy and asks Jill-Cher if she could borrow some lipstick. I'm pretty sure she was being sarcastic about it though. Nevertheless, the newly minted psycho Mom proceeds to do Abby's makeup. Christi rolls her eyes and ponders about the weird things happening as of late. Another pissing match erupts as Jill-Cher and Christi fight about the party and how Jill-Cher NEVER. SHUTS. UP. Luckily for the kids, Gia! takes them out into the hallway to practice. Abby finally takes this moment to chastise the moms for fighting in such an immature manner and leaves them in the room to duke it out.
Abby comments how other troupes have had SINCE AUGUST to prepare for this while they only had 4 days. Uh, what's not clicking? Maddie's happy Brooke's back, bee tee dubs. The group performs but Christi doesn't get this piece and, frankly, neither do I. Sure there are a few nice moments in there but it makes no sense. Abby thinks they could've had some more enthusiasm. Paige thinks they did very well and maybe they could win. At the awards, the top two pieces are revealed to score over 290 (whatevs) but "Avalanche" (the group number) only won 2nd place. Abby doesn't take it too hard since they're in New York and everything, which probably means that NY dancers are pretty damn swell, even me considering my form of "dance" usually consists of odd and bizarre contortion and spins and flailing limbs in order to tell some story. Anyway, Abby thinks the group probably could've used some more enthusiasm. Well, there's always next time.
While everyone celebrates in the green room, Abby reminds us that this is two weeks IN A ROW that the group (allegedly) didn't win anything. Basically, she reverts back to Jabba the Lee briefly to point out SECOND PLACE IS FIRST LOSER. Well, Jill-Cher proceeds to kiss Abby's ass. However, once the kids are gone, Abby takes this moment to confront all the moms as a teacher should. Holly notes that there is way too much tension in the group now when, in the past, only Melissa the Mattress contributed to that. Abby rips Jill-Cher a new one and confessionalizes that the woman unintentionally placed herself back on probation. Smoooooooth. Abby makes the threat that if she has to lose someone on this team, she will. Jill-Cher laments about how they "left" a good studio only to come here and be knocked down. Well, cry me a river, bitch, so we can build a bridge and GET OVER IT. Christi tries to tell her about how they're a cohesive group but Jill-Cher proceeds to talk to no one in particular except the furies in her head.
NEXT TIME: Abby tries to find a venue for the girls to perform due to a cancellation, Nia has a panic attack, Jill-Cher REALLY goes batshit insane, and a dancer injures herself... AND IT LOOKS LIKE MADDIE. OH NOES.
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