Dance Moms: Everything's Bitchier in Texas

Last time on Dance Moms, Brooke rejoined the team, Mama Leslie Rose blew a fuse and Jill-Cher embodies Jiggly Caliente and expresses her "honest opinions" a.k.a. never shuts up. I'm only writing this because Abby Lee Miller gained some humane senses and it's making it impossible to be angry at her. Plus, I've got a lot of shit to deal with on my own already.

TO THE PYRAMID! Abby's disappointed about how the group is doing... but righteously calls out Jill-Cher FOR WEARING SHOES ON A $68,000 DANCE FLOOR. NOW she starts calling the moms out on this stuff but whatevs. At the bottom is Poor ol' Kendall. Your dancing was superb, but your mother's a nutjob. Jill-Cher wastes no time proving this by yelling at Abby. Nia follows as she needs to work on her energy and excitement. Brooke's next and back, but is she REALLY? Brooke's feeling the pressure now. Paige rounds out the bottom as per usual but is she wearing Chloe's dancewear? Confused! In the middle row is Maddie, which is now becoming not a surprise. Chloe is next, because she needs to pick up the choreography just a teensy bit quicker... which means... yup, MACKENZIE IS ON TOP OF THE PYRAMID!!!! The kid deserved it! Melissa the Snatch cries! She is surprised by this (and so am I). Considering how the other girls are doing, Mackenzie has been winning in her category for the past few competitions. Definitely most improved.
There is no group routine this week (rats) but EVERYONE will be doing solos and I immediately worry about Paige, who continues to be that mysterious girl who can do the thing with the thing. As for the moms (to keep them busy. Sort of), this is the ONE TIME they get to make the costumes (rather than fix them up). Abby tells Christi "This is your time for the Tony!" since she's the complainer of the group. The criteria is that the costume must be original, it cannot be an old costume, recycled from another girl, or be "borrowed" by another studio (as in the Single Ladies/Electricity costume scandal. I guess). Abby's doing this because she's not going to have enough time working on several solos AND make costumes AND run the studio. Good thinking. Did I really just say that?

While the moms wonder how Abby's gonna do all of this, Miss Macks rehearses her solo. It's another acro solo titled "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda" and I wish there was a sound bite of that. Holly the Magnificent is a bit worried about the costume making since she never has enough time to make costumes due to her job. Jill-Cher is scheming about using one of Kendall's former costumes since, technically, Abby hasn't seen any of the stuff Kendall's worn. But the moms just know Abby's no fool and she's gonna see right through it. They also go on about Jill-Cher's shoes-gate and the contract that one must sign in order to dance with the Dance Slaves. Jill-Cher's all "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW?!" but the moms are like "Uh, it's cause you're a crafty piece of shade." Basically, as Kelly puts it, sign the paper, Jabba the Lee owns your poor unfortunate soul for an entire year (Meanwhile, I wonder if Abby's ever been Ursula for Halloween. And why didn't I think about it until now).

It's been a while since we've heard from the Candy Apples. I thought Abby's girls should lay off the make up. But no, THESE GIRLS painted faces makes New York's paint job look stripped. I managed to tear my eyes away from the whorish makeup jobs to see Crazy Cathy's so-called "PPP" "Perfectly Positive Pyramid". Pollyanna would choke this bitch if she could. Everyone's in a straight line but who's the poor kid on top? Well, Cathy Hannigan pulls a kindergarden trick and will hold an open call to fill in that spot. Angelica Pickles called. She wants her 'tude back.

In PA, Maddie rehearses her Spanish Jazz number. Abby's not liking what she sees and reminds her that they only have 3 days to make it clean. Since it's a Spanish-esque number, it much look CLEAN, not LOOPY. Kendall's excited to have a solo this week! Jill-Cher thinks Kendall should be at the top (here's a thought: Quit wasting money on bribes and focus on helping your kid get better) because Jill-Cher's delusional. Holly rips Jill-Cher for her snide remarks targeting the other students, especially Nia. Then Christi brings up the fact that Jill-Cher never shuts up and Jill-Cher reminds us of whatever God given problem she was talking about. Then Jill-Cher tells Christi she's tired of yammering about her youngest daughter, Clara, who's only 2. Y'know, Clara may as well be the next Allison Holker. As usual, the fight goes nowhere.

Let's zoom back over to Crazy Cathy's Asshole audition, which appears to be at 2:45 AM (Random Note: That song pretty much explains my life right now. Moody). NONE of these kids look like dancers. Crazy Cathy needs to stock up on her meds because she tells us she doesn't NEED talent, but more strength (I'll bet). When, OUT OF THE ABYSS, Giant Peyton walks in. She's practically fresh-faced in this motley crowd. Leslie the Electrician has decided to drag her all the way out to Ohio to prove to Abby they can compete somewhere else. Peyton, since she's old enough to have an opinion, wants to please her mother BUT she's not entirely sure she wants to dance with the Candy Assles. You have redeemed yourself from your smart-ass mouth from a few weeks ago. The combo doesn't look too-too hard and Cathy finds this a win-win situation since she likes Peyton (mostly because she left the ALDC). So Peyton's called in for the good news. You interested in joining our troupe of failure? "I'd have to think about it." Are you a spy? "No!" Why the fuck not? "I'd miss my friends plus it's a really long drive." Just how nearby is Canton to Pittsburgh? Peyton's dismissed but not before Cathy comes in for a talk. She tells her and her mother that her time's been wasted. WHOA, that was kind of harsh. Even Leslie knows that. Loudly. She points out Cathy is totally fake, they yell, and the two leave. So maybe this wasn't the best idea, Leslie says. Oh well. Maybe I should just suck up to Abby once again. GOOD LUCK, HONEY.

Moving on! As Nia rehearses, the moms continue to make the costumes. While Christie and Kelly have tons of experience with this jazz, Holly and Melissa don't because Holly's a principal and Melissa is a mattress works the front desk at the ALDC most of the time. Chloe rehearses a lyrical ballet number, which is challenging since most of the liberties one would have in a regular lyrical number have been stripped. Or something like that. Paige has another acro rountine called "Make Some Noise" and she likes it. That's practically the basis of all her screentime on this show. What dance she's doing, the name of it and that she likes it. Can she get some character development?!

Abby goes to check in on the moms, but not before Holly shows us that all she has are Nia's old animal costumes. Not much happens other than Abby catching Jill-Cher in her own trap. She needs an original costume, not something she's worn simply because she was at another studio. Christie doesn't have anything to show her since it needs to be dyed. She does show her a bra she'll dye later but Jabba the Lee chastises her for putting her kid in a bra. Hey, look at what the OTHER kids are wearing. A bra is practically Amish coverage. Plus, JTL, you've had plenty of pieces where your girls wear wearing bras. Kelly shows her stuff and it gets the seal of approval. A few seconds later, Abby receives a phone call from Rich, a representative from the Dance Explosion competition they're going to. Well, THE COMPETITION'S BEEN CANCELLED because they found out they were coming of a lack of competitors. Well, that sucks! They're leaving in less than 24 hours and now Abby's scrambling to find a place for these kids to dance. While Melissa again recognizes she has TWO daughters, Kelly suggests the obvious and find another competition. Abby goes on a calling spree while the girls rehearse and the mothers sew until FINALLY, a competition! The team will now be going to the M.A. Dance Competition in Texas.

A flight later (does Abby berate the pilots on planes? "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT ANGELS 10!"), the team arrives. There's just one caveat: The competition is on a gym floor, not a marley stage. That REALLY blows. The girls aren't too fazed by it so it probably means they've danced on gym floors before, but not too often. The only exception is Kendall. She's worried that she's going to slip on the floor. Some brief costume talk and they go to compete.

Brooke goes first in her airy dress. She's definitely improved from last time. Mackenzie is next and, as usual, she's a cutie. She confessionalizes that she's too used to competing on stages and not on gym floors so it's a little weird for her. She does well. In the dressing room, Jill-Cher pulls out Kendall's costume. It obviously wasn't made by her and Abby calls her out on that. They get into a pissing match over this stupid dress until Jill-Cher snaps. She wonders why no one's backing her up ('cause you're a crazy bitch!) so she throws a tantrum, throws shoes across the room and storms out of the room, threatening to leave. Christi couldn't really take her seriously since Jill-Cher decided to wear a cowboy hat today. I couldn't take her seriously because of her botox face.

Abby explains how simple this damn task was to us while Melissa goes to calm Jill-Cher down. She won't have any of this. Gia! goes to ask about Kendall and Jill-Cher, in true stage-mom bitch fashion, tells her she won't be dancing. Poor Kendall is in tears because she really wants to dance. Jill-Cher explains to her that, when she's older, she'll understand all of this. Yeah, she'll understand how much of a devil you are for dictating her life. Wench. In the meantime, Nia's in a heating pad because she's a little sore. Abby stresses the importance between being sore and being injured. But she's being a hypocrite because she forced Brooke to compete with a bad hip last season. Holly can sense something is very, very wrong with Nia and it has nothing to do with her pain. When Nia's finally called, she bolts down the hallway with Holly following suit. Do you think she was a track star back in the day? Nia then has a panic attack and Holly does her damndest to calm her down. I wish Holly was my mom. Nia scared she's going to slip on the floor and hurt herself. Nevertheless, she pulls it together long enough to go out to dance. She looks shaken but does a beautiful job. Holly is speechless that she's managing to pull it off so gracefully and cries when Nia finishes. Nia is glad she could dance after all. You go!

Kendall really wants to dance but her mom's being a total asshole about it. Abby finds them sitting behind her, livid that Jill-Cher won't let Kendall perform. Instead, she allows Kendall to go change into an all white ensemble of a crop top and hot pants. After an aerial in the halls, Kendall goes to compete. She does her best and she doesn't care about what the hell she's wearing. Jill-Cher, however, remains to be a cold bitch. Chloe and her abs are next and her costume is pretty stunning. I think Christi should take costume making up as a career. Her music is beautiful and her dance is stunning. Maddie is next in a Candy Apple's knock off spanish hooker costume. Complete with painted on sideburns that the Apples grew naturally. She does okay until she slips and lands on her hip pretty hard. All of this, from the fall, to the reactions, is done in slo-mo to make it seem dramatic. Melissa panics and practically flies from the bleachers to rush to Maddie. En route to the nurse's station, Maddie is worried about how Abby might flip out and if she'll ever dance again than her hip. Kid, you just landed on your hip. You'll be fine. It's not like a car accident. Abby comes by to find her icing her hip and assures her she isn't mad at her. She even quips "If you had a big butt, you wouldn't have gotten hurt!" which made me giggle. She even carries her back into the room. Kelly whines how if any other girl got injured, Jabba the Lee would just scold them. In this case, I'm on Team Abby since it's one of her dancers and it was a pretty bad fall so shut up Kelly.

After all that, it's finally Paige's turn and I wish they'd show her dancing more often. Well, not the moments where she forgets and bombs the whole thing which, thankfully, she doesn't do this time. She does a fantastic job and Abby's impressed. Hooray!
At the awards, Brooke places third, Chloe's second, but the winner is... PAIGE!!!! She's excited because Abby never really gives her a chance to shine. As my heart soars, Kelly expects this pyramid to change next week. We can only hope. Abby says now her name is one this competition knows. Oh boy. And moms? ALL your costumes won PERFECT SCORES. Go moms!!! I think Christi even said "Moms on the top of the pyramid". Again, giggles. Buuuuuuuut, before the episode ends, Abby makes sure to have Jill-Cher's ass handed to her, asking her about her position on this team: Will she stay or go? Hmm...

Next time: Jill-Cher screams some more as the Earth spins around the sun. The girls have guns and Abby stresses that she teaches employable dancers, NOT competition kids (HUH?!)