ANTM All Stars: 2 Flew out of the Cuckoo's Nest

Last week, Bre was sent packing, thus breaking my heart. After panel, Drunk Lisa bemoans that, out of the girls remaining, she was closest with Bre, mostly because they competed in the same cycle. I'm pretty sure Drunk Lisa also did a victory dance since, in their cycle, Bre placed higher than her. Anyway, she notes that Bitchyanka no longer has a bodyguard and calls her a child. Meanwhile, Duck Lips/Glenn Close whines (drink!) about being in the bottom 2 again (drink!). She almost starts to cry (drink!) when she was told she looked like a reality show contestant than a model in the last photo shoot with the ever ravishing Coco Rocha. Elsewhere, Leatherface misconstrues her criticism of being more "edgy" with being "raunchy"... something that does not compute with her database. And Bitchyanka continues to fall from grace when she claims that Man-Face's photo makes her "cringe" and that the house is "clique-y" and compares the girls to hyenas. Tell us something we don't know.

BB Gun chimes in the confessional about the tensions occurring between the girls. Since this show is nothing without immaturity, a fight about using the shower next erupts between Bitchyanka and Duck Lips. IT'S A GODDAMN SHOWER, WAIT YOUR TURN. GOD! Duck Lips advises Bitchyanka to "GROW. UP*PUH*." I think Duck Lips needs to SHUT. UP*PUH*. Bitchyanka now understands why Duck Lips wasn't really well liked in her cycle, followed by flashbacks that are just ever so flattering. And Duck Lips, once more, complains about being real. Puh-lease.

The opening comes and goes and there's Tyra Mail! It's riddled with money terms so that's what the girls assume. It's mirror time as Kayla Free and Bitchyanka engage in a civilized conversation about what their strengths and weaknesses are. Kayla Free confessionalizes about the TRUE MEANING of this cycle is heavily placed on personality, which is something she realizes she doesn't have compared to the rest of this motley crew and Ms. Laura. It is here where I realize that this is her adios edit so I spent a majority of the episode trying not to cry. The girls are sent to the rooftop of the Roosevelt Hotel and this is where I recognized that it's the place where one of the fights in Charlies Angels: Full Throttle took place. Yes, I have no life since I remember that. Nigel tells them all that they're going to be making and marketing their own fragrances! Kayla Free's excited because, well, basically every celebrity in existence has their own fragrance out (possibly out of desperation). This dude named Ben will assist in helping them make their fragrances because I highly doubt science and modeling results in a happy marriage.

The names are kinda dinky as the girls are still going by their "value" words from the second episode. Drunk Lisa names her fragrance "Neon" and I assume that it'll send the customer on an acid trip. Ms. Laura calls her "Love" and Man-Face's is "Survivor". Leatherface names her fragrance "Smitten" as she believes that the word is "pure and angelic". I think she's been huffing "Neon" a little too much. Or maybe I wasn't paying attention because Drunk Lisa opened her yap and her confessional look was... well, take a wild guess. BB Gun, unsurprisingly, names her damn spray after herself. Yawn. Pullip aptly names hers "Honey Blood", the name alone would make me buy the stuff in a heartbeat (along with that Raven Eye makeup from L'Oreal). Why such a weird name? Well, remember her fascination with blood? And how Tyra told her how she used to get nosebleeds all the time? And what was Pullip's response?

JEALOUS.

Off topic- As a joke, I attempted to emulate this photo a while back and posted it on Facebook to get some opinions.

My friends said I was prettier.

Kayla Free names her fragrance... get ready for this... oh my God here it comes... FREE. It's here where
 I was POSITIVE she was getting the heave-ho. At least she managed to retell her sad, sad saga of sleeping in a sleeping bag until she was 14/in high school since she didn't have a bed. I still sleep in a sleeping bag, but that's because I am, by nature, a lazy person. Bitchyanka, in what is the fugliest fur vest I have ever seen, calls her fragrance "candid" but the top prize for the dumbest name goes out to Duck Lips and her fragrance "Diamondnatrix". Another "Neon" huffer I assume. She continues to waste lives by going through EVERY fragrance to get the right one. BB Gun falls asleep and Bitchyanka sort of redeems herself by comparing to the time wasted by Duck Lips to the seasons flying by. Ha!

After the fragrances are off to be made, Nigel tells them they will be marketing their par-fumes (and bath soaps which I had no idea was a part of this) to the public at a party that night and Leatherface does a celebration dance. Aw! Oh yeah, because the show would be nothing without a little dose of Tyra crazy, they're doing this in bathtubs... just what in God's name is going on this cycle? What's next, riding drunken ostriches? Anyway, winner is immune from being eliminated and Kayla Free, continuing the adios edit, points out the obvious benefits of being immune.

Bitchyanka, on the other hand, points out how unrealistic this challenge is. According to her, even Tyra would do this crap! (Uh, I bet she has/had this in mind for a few cycles now so, yes, she is that insane) She wants to be taken seriously as a model! Well, okay then. Shut up, stop eating, sit and pose. That serious enough for you? Bitchyanka goes into a Drunk Lisa-esque rant (drink!) and Drunk Lisa, according to my sister, should never ever do her own makeup ever again.

After a recap from the ever charming Ms. Laura, the guest judge is EVA THE DIVA from cycle 3! YAY! But what the hell has she done to her hair?! At first, I sort of liked it from the promos I saw from that Hair Wars spectacular thing on Oxygen but now it just looks... bad. Whatever, I still love her. The girls begin the shilling as Ms. Laura pulls out the love and charm while Drunk Lisa pulls out the acid trip. The girls also jump into the tubs for some bath time (clothed, obviously) and my sister points out that Ms. Laura looks like Courtney Love, finally giving my answer to who she looks like now.

Nigel sees Kayla Free's nervousness from a mile away and I began sobbing. Pullip explains her "Honey Blood" fragrance to her now disturbed fans and Drunk Lisa continues to act like she's on a drug trip by splashing around and encouraging the party goers to dance in the tub with her. It pissed me off but if Miss Eva says she's having fun because Drunk Lisa is having fun, then I would have fun too. Bitchyanka, of course, is appalled by Drunk Lisa's behavior and I would agree with her more except for the fact that SHE'S SO STUCK UP SHE WON'T GO INTO THE TUB. Ugh... Kayla Free notes that in modeling (or any fun career, really), you're going to have to do a lot of things you don't want to do. I think a bath tub is nothing compared to working with bees or rolling around in garbage. Eva criticizes Leatherface for doing nothing but selling herself really and my love for Nigel rocketed as he, while basically ripping Bitchyanka to shreds, took a plunge in her bathtub IN HIS CLOTHES.

Post party, it is revealed that a new prize for the winner of the cycle has been added and it is to be the face of the ANTM fragrance, because being a part of this isn't rewarding enough (yeah right). The winner? Drunk Lisa, naturally. Now we get to put up with her for another week. Fan-friggin-tastic. Bitchyanka tells us that she would change anything she did tonight... other than her shoes. Go home. The next day, Tyra Mail says something about "Going along for the ride". Hmm... well, Mr. Jay has the answer for us. The photo shoot, taken at night, will be the girls portraying either Nene Leakes or Snooki on a motorcycle while on the back of a moving truck. I think this is because Mr. Jay wouldn't want them standing around looking like streetwalkers (more so). Drunk Lisa is excited (drink).

Duck Lips is pissed since last week she was called out for looking like a reality show cast member (SHE *IS* A REALITY SHOW CAST MEMBER) and now, she HAS to look like one and make it high fashion. Kayla Free decides to get into her Snooki character by acting like a hot mess (tee hee!) and grinding on Drunk Lisa, probably because she knew that Drunk Lisa would be the only one who would let her. Again, nightmares. And the photographer is revealed to be commonly used Mike Rosenthal who has shot for this series for god knows how long. Whatever happened to Tracey Bayne? Ms. Laura embraces her inner Nene and arrives on set in a voice I would never recognize coming out of her. She looks pretty good in short hair and does a rocking job. Kayla Free's up next as Snooki but Mr. Jay points out that, with the douchebags trying to get on camera and running after the truck, she gets distracted easily. Still sobbing.

BB Gun goes up as Nene (Angelea Nene made me giggle way too hard) and does a meh job. But some douche thinks she was Tyra so she was flattered. Back in the dressing room/whatever it's called where they get ready, Drunk Lisa is a little worried because she has no idea who Nene Leakes is or how she acts so she asks Bitchyanka for help. Bitchyanka is shocked that these girls don't watch as much television as she does (could it be that they're out pursuing professional modeling careers? You know, like the one you keep bringing up?) Bitchyanka offers some help but catches herself because "it's still a competition". Ugh... anyhow, Drunk Lisa doesn't irritate me as much this time and does very well. Pullip goes up as Snooki but was forgettable and Man-Face, true to Snooki fashion, looked drunk. Bitchyanka pulls out a surprise tactic by utilizing a jar of pickles, Snooki's alleged favorite food, into her shot. But, continuing her fall from grace, she refuses to share. Leatherface is unhappy because she's also Snooki but Pullip is pissed, even asking "What the fuck?!" All she wanted was a pickle to eat! DON'T LET THE POOR GIRL STARVE, BITCHYANKA!

It's finally Bitchyanka's turn as Snooki. She places the pickle in her mouth. Take a wild guess what Mr. Jay has to say. If you guessed that it looked like a penis and was way too phallic, you are correct. So he takes the pickle away from her (though, after mentioning the word "penis", I can only imagine what else he did with that penis--eh, pickle... not helping. STINKY BUM BUM NIGHTMARES). She sucked. Duck Lips complains about her wig (drink!) and all she does for her Nene is the finger wave... for the whole shoot. She fell flat. GO HOME. Leatherface goes and attempts to be a "tame Snooki" but Mr. Jay sees that all she does is go into her safety zone. BLARGH! The Tyra Mail of DOOM comes announcing eliminations and the girls expect that two girls will be booted. Leatherface is worried since she's not as ambitious as Drunk Lisa and "jumps off of buildings". How I only wish that were true... wow that was way too mean. I'm sorry. Bitchyanka continues to complain about the bathtub challenge which was like three years ago. Shut up, already!

The girls enter for panel to find... KATHY GRIFFIN filling in for Crazypants Tyra as she was let go. Tyra soon manages to get out of her cage and chases Kathy to her seat. She's the guest judge (no shit, really?)! And she's the only comedienne EVER to have 4 specials in one year. You go, gurl! Anyway, Tyra is now wearing a corset... WEAR DECENT CLOTHING, WOMAN!!! Actually, everyone in this panel seemed to be ill-dressed for this particular elimination (save for Kathy and Nigel). And now for the breakdown...

-Ms. Laura redeems herself from last week with a stunning Nene photo. Unfortunately, Haus of Wanda Sue has finally received its first miss this cycle.
-BB Gun's Nene is okay but blah as usual. Also, she's probably taking Sheena's jumpsuits trademark for herself.
-Man-Face's Snooki is okay but Kathy doesn't see the believability. She'd rather see a beautiful model WASTED, not a beautiful model. Good note.
-Duck Lips/Glenn Close is wear sheer black harem pants. Uh, WHY?! Her photo's a bit of a snooze.
-Drunk Lisa is wearing the most normal outfit I have seen her wear this cycle... aside from that eye-searing blazer. Her Nene photo was absolutely fantastic.
-Kayla Free's Snooki is not well received. Kathy doesn't see the Snooki in it and Kayla Free whines about the clothes restricting her. Hey, remember that she did that her cycle about shoes and she almost got booted because of it. Don't these girls learn? Rant over. Anyway, I agree with Kathy. It's a nice shot but not what was asked for.
-Pullip is called a "Brady Bunch kid" by Kathy due to her ridiculous outfit. Her Snooki is described as a great Snooki "on a good day". Ha!
-Bitchyanka is called out on Bathtub-Gate by Nigel and she rambles on and on and on and on about it so I didn't pay much attention to what was going on. Or cared. Her Snooki's a total bust.
-Leatherface's Snooki is blah. The fact that Nigel brings up her bone structure is translation for "You didn't do so good..."

By the way, why the hell are all the girls wearing bright red lipstick? It's not really flattering.

Deliberations fly by with one interesting mention. Not only does Kathy hold her own as a judge (yay!) but, when talking about Bitchyanka, she made a comparison to her show "My Life on the D-List" how it showed that Kathy knew her place. Bitchyanka doesn't which is why she's not doing as well as she thinks she is. Or something like that. Nevertheless, Kathy Griffin ruled.

The girls file back in and Tyra confirms their fears that she's knocking off two girls this elimination, probably because of the LaToya save a few episodes back.Top girl, predictably, is Drunk Lisa. She ruled this shoot. The bottom three are Leatherface, Bitchyanka, and the rather short Kayla Free (whom my sister said looked like Debra Messing). Leatherface is stunning but plays it way too safe. Kayla Free had a powerful portfolio from her cycle (I'm still loving those photos) but, now, that talent isn't there. And Bitchyanka looks like a stronger model now than she did back then but the judges are afraid that she isn't approachable (Let's ask Nikki Blonsky for a second opinion). Predictably, Leatherface is saved and Bitchyanka and Kayla Free are eliminated as I screamed in agony. It's also ironic that Kayla Free is eliminated with another person ONCE AGAIN. And at least Bitchyanka is going home. But still NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Next week, the girls are going to record a song for themselves. But Pullip's a teensy bit worried...

Project Runway: One More for the Road

I didn't really bother taking notes for this particular episode of PR mostly because I had essays to write, I wasn't in the greatest state of mind (still) and the episode was a bit of a dud since we all know what happens in the penultimate episode: Designers scatter, Uncle Tim critiques what they have then, Designers return, Uncle Tim critiques what they have NOW, runway, elimination. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The few things worth noting are what the designers are like (more so) after getting the hell out of Parsons and their designs to determine who might win. We'll go off the see Kimberly of the Pants Tribe, whose designs are okay, so-so, along those lines of "in process". We're then introduced to her friends and her family, to which I forgot about her mother passing when she was 17. Poor thing. She seems to be in a steady position, especially with the support of her friends and sister.

Next, Uncle Tim is off to Trinidad. How exotic! Anya the Great greets Uncle Tim at the docks as they take a boat to her home. Did she really need the $20,000? Maybe she's saving up to buy her own island. Unfortunately, Anya only has gorgeous fabrics but, well, NOTHING to show Uncle Tim. Bum bum BUUUM. Trouble's a brewing. But that comes later. For now, she introduces him to her two brothers, who are her biggest fans. Aww! Anya also explains the line (or an earlier line/designs/something I forget which) is dedicated to her brother who had passed away... uh, poor thing? Something spooky is going on here this season and I'm not liking it. Well, she bids farewell and, allegedly, goes straight to work.

Then, Uncle Tim returns to New York to meet with Viktor Regina George. His work so far is amazing and there's not really as much critique as the girls got. He's still working with black, whites and greys but he's adding a splash of purple in there. Keep in mind, it's not by a lot. Ugh. Anyway, for his inspiration, Viktor returned to his homeland of Mexico and talks about memories of his brother. Who passed away. THAT'S IT. As callous as this sounds, just how many of these designers have dead relatives? I mean Bert and Joshua and now these three? It's bad enough that this season that the women's bathroom has to be featured constantly but we could do without the pity sob stories, ESPECIALLY NOW. Anyway, Viktor introduces his boyfriend to Uncle Tim and they toast to success.

Now it's Joshua's turn but he gets some extra screentime before Tim arrives for lunch to meet with him and his sister. I must admit, Joshua's sister is absolutely GORGEOUS. I wonder if she models... anyway, they chat a bit about things before Tim arrives. Then they talk about Joshua's career as an athlete (well, that explains why he did so well for that New Balance challenge race). Moving on, we see Joshua's collection and.... well, it wasn't pretty. Uncle Tim called some of his stuff "matronly" and Joshua gave his best cum-shot face (YEAH, I WENT THERE) in distress in the confessional. As soon as Tim leaves, Joshua starts ripping things apart.

Soon, the day to move into the penthouse suite thing arrives and Joshua is the first to arrive. I lost interest when he went on about how the wind was his mother and blah blah blah blah blah. Then the girls arrive and Viktor and Tim swings by for a toast, since they'll going back to sew like demons the next day. As it turns out, most of the designers have been working hard and doing as Tim says. Anya even has clothes to show him but, unfortunately, they look a lot like the stuff she had before the show began. Couldn't she have utilized what she learned on the show into her work instead of falling back on her safety? I mean, the woman made pants for the first time for the first challenge and look how stunning they looked! Anyway, she's starts to panic and reverts to Anya the Leper.

Time flies, sewing continues and runway day comes with the designers presenting their three best looks from their collections. Needless to say, they're all pretty dumpy with the exception of Viktor's. After deliberations, the judges decide to let all four of them go through the fashion week (what a surprise). And then came the after show, where we're treated to never before seen clips and why no one wants to mess with Heidi. Not only can she run in 6 inch heels, she managed to pin Michael Kors to the ground (then again, that's not very hard to do). And there's the reminder to vote for the fan favorite, which really is just between Anya and Anthony Ryan since most of the designers didn't have much of a personality this season or were extremely grating.

Now, if I had to make a choice, it looks like Viktor could be the winner of this season, but who knows what could happen at the runway... though I sure hope someone has some cool music this season!

ANTM All Stars: A Hot Cup of Coco

Before diving into this recap, I bring the news that Andre Leon Talley, Vogue Editor and "Gumpa" of the panel will not be returning next cycle. Who's taking his place? Kelly Cutrone. You know, of "Kell on Earth"? Tyra's in for it now. Mwahahahaha!

Anywho, we all said goodbye to nobody but my patience and last shred of positive feelings I have towards anything. BB Gun bitches about being in the bottom 2 AGAIN (Drink!) in the greenroom after the last panel. Bitchyanka still is a firm believer that she's the only true model out of all these girls. Really? Then I must be an Equity Broadway actor. Quit being so delusional. Speaking of delusional, Drunk Lisa chimes in so I naturally ignored their argument, where it was basically the pot calling the kettle black. Again. Can't we focus on the other girls? Please? I want to hear more from Ms. Laura.

Well, I finally get my wish as the girls arrive home and we see how happy Ms. Laura is about getting the top photo. Yay! Even BB Gun states, "I wouldn't mind looking at that every day." It's because IT'S MS. LAURA. NOT LIKING HER WOULD BE AN ETHICS VIOLATION. Old Soul confessionalizes that it's now time for Bitchyanka to stop running to her whenever she has a problem and work things out for herself. Good thinking, Old Soul. It's why you're the girlfriend. Tyra Mail arrives and the girls believe it has something to do with sports. Drunk Lisa tells us that it's important to win this challenge, especially since she's been sucking the past two weeks. What about winning the competition? On second thought, forget I ever mentioned that.

The girls are brought to the beach and are greeted by Sexypants Nigel who is accompanied by socialite (???) Brittny Gastineau (no idea who she is) and Julie Henderson, a plus sized model. Now, the captions state she's "fiercely real" but that's the dumbest thing I have ever heard on this show since Richy-Rich Plain Jane and her "Big Square Head". Then again, a lot of the things I hear on this show are pretty stupid. The challenge is a charity flag football game and, guess what? The eliminated girls are back to join! Oh crap... I am NOT going to remember all those nicknames I used so I'll call them "Those girls" who are barely featured at all. Also joining them? Professional NFL players that made BB Gun wet her pants in excitement. For God sake's, woman, grow up.

The girls suit up in their uniforms: A cropped football shirt (I thought it was cute, but why where they ALL red if it's red and blue teams?), a bandana for the red and blue team, war paint, and bikini bottoms (so they can keep Leatherface from bitching AGAIN). The red team consists of Leatherface, Kayla Free, Drunk Lisa, Man Face, and Duck Lips, who continues to style her hair in pigtails like Amber Brown. Amber Brown, however, looks ten times better. The blue team consists of Pullip, BB Gun, Old Soul, Ms. Laura, and Bitchyanka.

Nigel brings up one more thing: During the game, there will be a brief photo session for each girl, who will be asked to portray a certain something something and pose with a guy. I thought it was stupid but it made the wins easier to understand. The winning TEAM will have a check split in half for their two NFL players' charity of choice. The winning GIRL WITH PHOTO gets jewelry designed by one of the guest girls and a photo on Tyra's website in an attempt to shill another product. Now, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

Kayla Free believes she must do well in this challenge since she's a lesbian and lesbians must excel in sports. Can't argue with that logic. Drunk Lisa, again, states she must win this challenge. Anyway, these girls play DIRTY, tackling the others so hard I'm pretty sure they would've snapped in two (if they couldn't already). The girls of Team Ghetto tend to play a bit rougher, particularly Old Soul who Kayla Free was surprised at. The photoshoot isn't really that spectacular, even when BB Gun pulls two guys out to rape them to assist her in the photo, which looked BAD. In the end, the blue team wins and Kayla Free wins the "Most Valuable Model" (not my idea) award and wins the prizes. Rightly so, because she's fabulous and the others' photos kind of stunk.

She's whisked away to the studio where Andre Leon Talley will style her for the photo. But WHAT THE HELL IS HE WEARING? A robe (natch) and a kasa. And we're letting him dress poor Kayla Free? She's asked to tells us her word for the photo. It's "Free" of course, with another rambling explanation from Kayla Free about what the word means to her. Bless her heart. She still does a fantastic job, even with Tyra-Cam "giving" out notes. She also does a lot of screaming, which sounds really cute. We must now be friends.

Back at the Model Holding Cage, Tyra mail announces that the girls must "Claw their way to the top". Duck Lips believes it's about animals and she really wants the top photo this week. Adios edit much? Then BB Gun is chatting with Leatherface, who still looks like she couldn't care less. BB Gun, too, wants this so badly (drink!) Soon enough, the girls are transported to the photo shoot, where the theme is BITCHFIGHT. Old Soul launches into a "Bar Fight" song and dance which solidifies my love for her. This moment of joy cannot be complete when, out of the blue, COCO ROCHA ENTERS. Another person to add to my imaginary friend list. Now, if you don't know who she is, to borrow a phrase from Cycle 15's Chris, "You stupid." She models (duh)! She's fabulous! She teaches posing! Now, while the girls were trying to pick their jaws off from the floor, I couldn't help but notice that Duck Lips/Glenn Close not only looks old, but, here especially, she looked like a pretty man for a few seconds. Oye. The photographer's name is Douglas Friedman and the girls must work in pairs. AGAIN.

Leatherface and Bitchyanka go first, and the former is worried that this won't go well due to LAST week where she was crying or being yelled at by Bitchyanka every waking second. Coco thought they did okay. Kayla Free and Pullip are up next and Kayla Free is nervous because Pullip is basically this cycles ANN WARD. She doesn't have to do much and her photo will still come out fantastic. During the shoot, Pullip blanks out a few times and Kayla Free is a little all over the place. In the end, Kayla Free thinks she may have outshone Pullip. Ooooooooooooo. It's now time for me to vomit as it is now time for the BB Gun suck up session with Coco. BB Gun asks for some advice about posing and admits that's she a little scared to be working with such a professional. Hell, I would have done Coco's math homework in two seconds. Coco solidifies my love for her (this has been happening a lot lately) by telling BB Gun, "Well, I'll see you later. When we're fighting." I shit kittens and give her lots of points for that one.

It's finally their turn and Ms. Laura gets to do stunt work by being pushed off a chair by Coco the Incredible. BB Gun, however, lets the nerves get the better of her and, DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOOT (it was a break, not during the session), walks off and cries. Mr. Jay gives her a pep talk, reminding her of all the crap she's gone through SINCE CYCLE 12 (yeah, she was there then). BB Gun finally gives us the piece to the puzzle when she admits that she doesn't know how to handle positivity when she grew up in such a negative place. After that, she gets better and we hear Ms. Laura scream for the shoot. I love Ms. Laura.

It's Old Soul and Duck Lips' turn. Duck Lips gets long hair for the session, probably because someone may have noticed she looked like a surfer dude (like I said earlier), so she basically looks like her old whiny self. It's a mess. Old Soul is screaming and posing way too much, using phrases like "BITCH!", "CALL THE POLICE!", "DO I LOOK HOT?!" and such. Coco the Magnificent is a bit scared by this and almost loses her posing power. No! Duck Lips was basically unmemorable. Typical. Then the last team consisting of Drunk Lisa and Man Face goes and they do pretty well, even with Drunk Lisa still existing. At home, Duck Lips tells us, once again, that she really, really wants this top photo and she's in it to win it. Really? We never would have guessed! I mean, did you even know that Camille was 33 years old?

Panel time! Tyra continues to wear ill fitting pants and trying to make suspenders work. WHY?! The guest judge is Coco Rocha, supermodel extraordinaire and queen of all things fashionable and the Kittens (but not the ones I poo'd out. They need a bath first). By the way, she eerily looks a bit like Raina ("Wolf Eyes" chick from Cycle 14 and also Princess of the Kittens) but less athletic. In other words, they're both beautiful.

Breakdown:
-Kayla Free and Pullip: ALT calls their photo "cinematic". Pullip is again praised and Coco mentions that she was pretty lost during the shoot and yet they still came out with a fantastic photo. I reiterate, Pullip is the ANN WARD of this cycle. Anyhow, I liked the shot. I called it a high end "Three Witches from Macbeth" photo. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Leatherface and Bitchyanka: It looks kind of disconnected and Leatherface looks really bad. I despise the pants abomination Bitchyanka decided to wear to panel. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Ms. Laura and BB Gun: It's a dynamic photo but Ms. Laura is told she has done better. UH OH. Coco calls out BB Gun for her brief episode on set but praises her professionalism (there's that word again). Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Old Soul and Duck Lips: Another disconnected shot but it's worse than Leatherface and Bitchyanka's. Old Soul is told by Coco that she did way too much on set and it showed in her photo. Duck Lips has duck lips and ALT tells her she doesn't look like a model but a reality show contestant (Uh, she IS a reality show contestant). I'm pretty sure he means in lieu of VH1 reality promos which are always bad. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.
-Drunk Lisa and Man Face: It's a pretty good shot. Man Face looks like a woman for once! And she looks pretty good in panel too! Drunk Lisa, however, looks like a damn fool (drink!) in panel. She's pulling on Coco's crotch in the shot, which made me want to throw up. Nigel brings up the fact that not only does she open her legs a lot, she opens her lips a lot too. Because of disturbing images from that critique, I almost DID throw up. NIGEL, STOP GIVING ME NIGHTMARES. Oh, and Coco looks fierce.

Deliberations come and go and it's time to actually eliminate a body this week. Top photo goes to Man Face, which I thought was pretty random but whatevs. I called the bottom two to be Duck Lips and Old Soul for their lackluster photo. Old Soul is told she's too guarded and Duck Lips is told that she's sucking this cycle. And with that, Duck Lips is eliminated, so we won't miss her very mu-- WAIT A FUCKING SEC!!! WHAT?! OLD SOUL'S ELIMINATED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

You can tell I was devastated. Old Soul doesn't even say hug goodbye to Tyra and the girls (probably because she wasn't going to stand for the stupid bull Tyra was going to "advise" her with). Once again, she dons her glasses in defeat, but leaves on a good note, saying that she did the best that she could. And that is why she's the Girlfriend.

Next week, the girls will make and sell their own fragrances (oh boy...) and Bitchyanka and Duck Lips have a fight (drink!). There are more Drunk Lisa antics (yawn). Oh, and did I mention that KATHY GRIFFIN is judging?

By the way, Coco is fierce. And did you know Camille is 33 years old?

Project Runway: Anya the Great... and some others.

Pardon if this recap seems choppy but I didn't have the best of weeks this week. Actually, one of the highlights was even more papers in a class I know I'm doing terrible in and that I almost got hit by two cars. The resulting state of mind that followed would draw all kinds of concern so I won't post it here. Anyway, here goes nothing. Really.

This week is THE week where the top designers are chosen. They are dragged to Governor's Island to gain inspiration via photos. The Triple Fairy Goddesses all look towards sculptures while Joshua goes for military equipment and Viktor Regina George uses the Manhattan Skyline. The challenge is to incorporate their inspiration into THREE looks. But, not to worry, they've brought back the last five eliminated designers: Becky the Secretary, Boring Bryce, Olivier from Ohee-oh, Mr. Anthony Ryan and Bert the Elder. After a predictable picking and choosing (Kim and Becky, Laura and AR, Anya and Bert, Viktor and Olivier and Joshua gets the short stick that is Bryce), they get to work. Laura uses some gharish circle framework thing and Becky's worried for Kimberly as she keeps changing her mind every three minutes. Bert doesn't understand Anya's work ethic and Olivier whines about not being paid to do this and how it isn't his vision so he shouldn't work as hard. Shut up, Olivier, you sore loser.
Joshua basically bitches about everything to Bryce and how "$20,000 was snagged from [him] by a beauty queen". Gee, I never realized that it was YOUR money on the line. Or maybe you're just a sore loser with a sucky sewer 'tude. No one cares so shut up and attempt to make somewhat beautiful clothes. God.

The day of the runway comes soon and everyone is worried as always. Anya puts her girl's gown on backwards but manages to fix it before the runway show. Basically, the only collection that looked great was Anya's while the rest looked pretty dumpy, especially Laura's. Soon, the decision is made: Everyone BUT Laura will compete in fashion week. Poor Laura. You kind of were great but, eh, not so much now. There's always the hope that you can show as a decoy for fashion week.

ANTM All Stars: Carousel of Regress or Bre's Many Future Jobs

At the last panel, Camille got the boot. By the way, if you didn't catch it, she's 33 years old. Did you know that? On the Model Bus, BB Gun dances in victory of grabbing top photo. Old Soul tells us that the six years of work she's done post show would have made her a front runner but NOPE. Drunk Lisa points out the obvious and tells us being in the bottom two sucked (drink!). She thinks the girls think she's going home soon but Drunk Lisa believes this show will help brand her as a lunatic. What is on? For a change, it doesn't go to a commercial after the opening theme and we immediately return to the Model Mansion. BB Gun continues to be a grating pain in the neck so I pretty much tuned her out. Seconds later, we join Kayla Free and Bitchyanka for a heart to heart-ish discussion. Kayla Free doesn't think BB Gun's photo was the best while Bitchyanka feels the competition is starting to get to her. I thought she looked and sounded like a man when she was talking to Kayla Free for some reason.

Leatherface finally gets to talk for more than 3 seconds tonight and she's excited to be back as an All Star. With that, I was certain she was getting the adios edit. She decides to come up with a way for the remaining girls to use the phone fairly: Battle to the death and pick a number, go in order. Simple as pie. And no more than 20 minutes. Understandable-- OH HELL NO, Bitchyanka would have said. She NEEDS more than 20 minutes to talk to family (so does everyone else) and goes to confront Leatherface about it, calmly (I think). Leatherface, who hates confrontation, starts to cry. Drunk Lisa, realizing that she hasn't offered her "opinion" in the past few nanoseconds, opens her big yap and berates Bitchyanka. It immediately degenerates into another screaming match over a PHONE (drink!). The two blondes in the room (Ms. Laura and Pullip of "Team Face") give the camera the best "SO not dealing with this sh*t" faces and gracefully leave.

It's off to the challenge and Old Soul is relieved to be leaving the house (hey, I would be too but it's basically one hell into another, not challenges). They arrive at the Santa Monica Pier with lots of shots of carnival rides. Yay! Our Ms. Laura soundbite of the evening: "I wanna eat some yummy food!" which made me genuinely smile. The girls meet Miss J at the pier where he's dressed as a fisherman... without any pants on. Old Soul brings us some fun when she states that Miss J was missing "some panties... a whole lotta things!" How I missed that personality. Anyway, it's a runway challenge, but since this is Top Model, it must rival a Japanese Game show. They do this by having the girls go on and off a carousel. We get a flashback of BB Gun of Alexandra (y'know, The Big Girl from Cycle 14) being knocked off the runway and BB Gun really hopes it doesn't happen to her.

Bitchyanka is still irritated at Drunk Lisa from earlier (or "edited" earlier) so Old Soul owns her Girlfriend image and calms her down. The Kardashian Skanks Sisters, whose line of hooker wear the girls will be modeling, enter for the pep talk and reveal their line will be sold at Sears (really? SEARS?) The winner will get her trashy outfit. Hey, who wouldn't want free clothes? The girls are terrified that they're going to fall off and break their heads opens (or something vital). But, since this is ANTM, of course they're ALL going to fall. DUH. It makes for TV Gold.

Drunk Lisa is up first and rides her horsey like a stripper in some cheap bar. I assume that the models have to ride the carousel first and then walk because that's what most of them did (besides BB Gun) and, while one is walking, the other rides fiercely. Now I want to ride a carousel. THANKS A LOT. Drunk Lisa does pretty good (twitch), BB Gun doesn't shut up at all, leading Miss J to say it reminded him of "someone's drunk aunt." Zing! I also wasn't paying attention to BB Gun that much because I was focusing on Kayla Free SERVING it on the carousel. She looked like she was having fun and being fierce at the same time. You go girl! She looked amazing. Old Soul has a battle plan and does a brilliant spin jump off the ride, which I thought was very clever. She, too, rocks it. The other girls look pretty adorable... until we get to Bitchyanka, who Drunk Lisa says looks like a dog. The pot's calling the kettle black much? One of the Kardashians says she has NO energy, which is bad. Duck Lips, because she hasn't been mentioned at all yet, looked even more like Glenn Close with her leopard maxi dress.

The Sisters couldn't decide on a clear winner so the two winners are Drunk Lisa and Old Soul! Boo and yay, respectively! I also found it amazing that those sisters could walk on the sand IN STILETTOS. Miss J, noticing some is very wrong with Bitchyanka, goes over to ask her what's wrong. In about two seconds, Bitchyanka begins a profanity laden rant which was anything but attractive. Old Soul was standing behind her and appeared to be either translating for everyone or trying to keep the peace with the room. She's amazing. Basically, Bitchyanka is told to calm down. For her, of course, this means that she must scream and berate all the women. Old Soul proves why she should not only win but have an amazing career as a bodyguard as she leaps to her feet in front of Bitchyanka (wow, is she short!) and shouts "WE DID GOOD!! WE'RE ALL GOOD!!! DID EVERYBODY ENJOY THE SHOW? CAUSE I ENJOYED THE SHOW!!!" followed by the girls agreeing. It's here where I was really hoping Old Soul would embody Goldie (from Flava of Love... why do I remember that show?) and announce "Did everybody enjoy the chicken? I thought the chicken was lovely!"

Bitchyanka goes home to mope to her boyfriend on the phone. Duck Lips starts trash talking (drink!) about her and some of the other girls chime in... not realizing Old Soul is listening right outside. Ms. Laura does notice and telepathically tells her "Yeah, I'm not dealing with this either" and walks away from the whole thing unscathed. As Team Heel continues to bitch about Bitchyanka, Old Soul darts straight to the phone booth and tells her girl all about it, saying that they're "forming a coalition against you to leave. NOW, DO YOU WANNA PLAY?" Old Soul also seems to have a great future in Quentin Tarantino films.

Tyra Mail arrives and the girls assume they'll be cliff diving. WHA? They return to Siren Studios and Mr. Jay announces that the photo shoot theme is Michael Jackson through the years. DOUBLE WHA? WHY DO IT THROUGH THIS SHOW??!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! Anyway, Ms. Laura is wetting her pants as she finds out her wardrobe is an original worn by MJ himself. Fancy! While Pullip is being helped with her dance moves, Mr. Jay brings in the ever fantastic LaToya Jackson. BB Gun gets to work and begins to suck up to her. Initially, I also thought that the dark girls would be MJ from the 80's and the white girls would be MJ from the 90's until I saw Kayla Free was sprayed tanned. Oye. Not much happens but Ms. Laura is lauded for committing to character and not breaking it once. Pullip is the only girl who gets "60's Michael" and I just about died from laughter. I'll eat some humble pie later.

When it ends, everyone gets high fives (or something)... 'cept Bitchyanka. Leatherface tries to pull a funny and says "Rejected!" but Bitchyanka isn't having it. She gets pissy (drink!) and goes complain to Old Soul. Then Leatherface goes to complain to Old Soul. LEAVE OLD SOUL ALONE AND WORK OUT YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, DAMN IT.

Panel time! Tyra looks like a hooker and announces the guest judge as LaToya. I mean, since her brother is the one who inspired this photo shoot and all...

THE BREAKDOWN:
-Leatherface (80's era): She looks pretty spectacular, especially with the belt LaToya put on her a few seconds before her shoot began.
-Kayla Free (Late 80's era): Nigel points out that it looks like she was performing in her shot and it looks amazing. During deliberations, Nigel even says that one could "feel" the picture. I so agree.
-Man Face (Late 80's): Really blah as always and, as usual, I ignored her for most of the episode.
-BB Gun (Late 80's): Nigel thinks it's intense. I think it's super blah.
-Pullip (60's era): It is here where I eat my humble pie as the shot looks something straight out of a magazine. It's pretty amazing. LaToya says that it looks a little like Donny Osmand too. Tee hee!
-Old Soul (80's): It's pretty good, and it's pointed out how calm her face is when she's on her toes.
-Duck Lips/Glenn Close (90's era): All I wrote for her was "It looks really stupid."
-Drunk Lisa (I totally forgot): Her panel outfit is berated by ALT and her photo doesn't help. Nigel is sick of the splits/legs wide open in the photos and ALT does not like it at all.
-Ms. Laura (90's): It looks fashionable and amazing as always.
-Bitchyanka (80's): It looks terrible. Tyra calls her out for the cursing tirade to Miss J. As Bitchyanka tries to explain herself, we're treated to "You've got to be kidding me" shots of the girls in the back.

After deliberations, Ty-Ty reveals that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, the guest judge not only picked top photo but the entire order. Ooooooooooooo fancy! Ms. Laura receives the top call and I did the dance of joy. The line up whittles down to Drunk Lisa and BB Gun, the two I was really hoping to go home since this cycle started. BB Gun for her inconsistency and Drunk Lisa for being a one-note. Tyra, not wanting to feel the wrath of either one of them, decides to let LaToya make the announcement to which she replied "Great, now I get to play the bad guy." Miss Jackson gives a soulful speech about her brother and reveal who is eliminated.

No one.

What a killjoy. Anyway, the two gals get to hug it out with LaToya and we get to see this motley crew next week for more modeling nonsense, which includes: Beach sports as members of Team Ghetto Heel bring it on and the ever fabulous Coco Rocha participates in the photo shoot. Should be FIERCE.

Project Runway: Like a Feather

Another day, another RUNWAY!!!!

We open to Atlas in the triple fairy goddesses' apartment. Laura says that she misses Anthony Ryan (EVERYONE misses Anthony Ryan. Maybe it's just in my nature to want to be friends with anyone with a southern accent) and notes just how "real" the competition is becoming. Because REAL designers have blonde German baby making machines force them to make hideous printed pants on a seemingly daily basis. In the Mean Girls apartment, Viktor emphasizes he NEEDS to win this competition (pfft) and proceeds to bash Joshua's editing skills which, of course, are bad. I'd go into detail but there's a surefire chance (in my wildest dreamland of delusion) he could read this so I'll go light.

Runway challenge time. Heidi comes out in some hideous printed dress that was so flouncy I could bet she spent 15 minutes in the lounge spinning around going WHEEEEEEEEEE! Anyway, she tells the designers to "spread their wings" and leaves. The designers prove they have the intelligence of models as they assume it's skydiving. I have no idea how that works into design but, hey, they're there and I am not. Well, Uncle Tim greets them with four feathered friends. They're taking inspiration from birds. Yes, Viktor, BIRDS. Kimberly of the Pants Tribe tells us at home that she appreciates animals "at a distance". Definitely a city girl. I was also distracted when I saw a raven/crow/blackbird and immediately lost focused because I LOVE those birds and went "EEEE!" in excitement. But, why birds? L'Oreal (or whatever makeup they're sponsoring) is releasing eye shadows based on the four birds presented in the room, of course. Oh yeah, the winner will receive $20,000 and an editorial in Maria Claire.

No time to crap in their pants in ecstasy as Tim announces they'll be working in pairs. Just how many times are these poor people going to be paired up on this show? To further my confusion, Tim also says that they won't be working in teams (Thank GOD) but as competitors. Anya the Great will duel with Laura the Blonde with Raven the Raven as inspiration. I instantly knew that I would like their looks the best. Next, Bert the Elder and Joshua the Dramatic will compete with the Amazon Parrot (though, I'm not entirely sure WHY they left out the "parrot" part but whatever). It's good to see that they've made up (and NOT make out). This leaves Kimberly of the Pants Tribe and Viktor of the Mean Girls with the Cockatoo. Poor Mr. Owl. Nobody wants to use you!

Kimberly is already worried because, for the artsy avaunt-garde challenge, her painting was that of a BIRD and had lots of feathers. I wouldn't worry about it, considering Leanne from season 5 used petals and sharp edgy shapes in most of her designs and they looked stunning. And she won. Bert expresses disdain because he doesn't like his bird's colors, which are green and yellow. It's here when I realize that he's another designer who doesn't like to use color a whole lot, as his designs are muted, grey or look washed out. It's here when I knew he was going home.

Mood time! Most of the designers are going for airy fabrics (like chiffon). Laura says she's doing pants. THAT'S KIMBERLY'S JOB!! Joshua is worried about getting the bright and bold bird, which is pretty much perfect for him given that's how he designs. Ugh.

Food time! Laura the Blonde is worried about going up against Anya the Great, who I'm assuming is the biggest underdog-turned-amazing competitor since ANN WARD (yes. Because ANN WARD is that amazing, I must type her name with capital letters. Shut up). Some time later, Bert again laments that he hates his bird. Like, a lot. Viktor goes for Captain Obvious status and plans to use feathers in his design. When he says the word "Glamazing" was when I almost threw my drink at the television. Worst portmanteau ever.

Uncle Tim comes in with the kicker and Kimberly's face in the confessional says it all. You know, the "OH F*CK THIS" face. I was expecting that he would give the other contestants liberty to ruin their opponents design via crapping on it while skydiving. No, instead, within MINUTES (or an hour or two, I forget which) of the challenge starting, he tells them they must make ANOTHER high end design. And their model will model both. While the designers bitch and complain, I think this is to mimic what goes on in the real world of fashion where models literally rip off pieces of clothing just to make it back on time to walk the runway. After another trip to mood, the designers compare themselves to each other and have a shootout in the lighthouse. Basically, nothing else happens other than the reminder that they only have 2 days to make 2 looks. Oh boy.

It's a new day, and the designers still don't want to go in. I'm convinced that the editors were just lazy and used the same footage from the beginning of the episode, with Laura taking curlers out of her hair and Anya primping her mohawk. In the workroom, Joshua isn't liking how his green dress is turning out while Kimberly, who is NOT making pants for a change, tells us about her "go with the flow" work ethtic when OUT OF THE ABYSS, a cockroach enters the room. Everyone, Kimberly in particular, freaks out. Only Anya the Amazon is brave enough to kill it. With a stiletto. We need to be friends now.

Make up consultations! Basically, it's just a shill to show off what these palettes really look like. The Cockatoo version looks blah and boring. The Parrot version looks like something drag queens would use. The Raven version looks absolutely amazing, and I would buy it in a heartbeat (if I was a girl anyway). And The Owl version isn't shown at all so we will never know what that looks like.

Back in the workroom, Bert is talking to himself but, at this point, no one cares anymore. Joshua says his orange fabric is speaking to him, which is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Kimberly tells us she's struggling. NO! We love you Kimberly! Anya the Philosopher explains that she thinks Kimberly's frustration in the challenge is showing in her work and it's not looking good for her. It gets worse when Kimberly sews straight through her finger and proceeds to bleed on her dress. You know, it looked somewhat similar to Carrie's prom dress... maybe she could have aimed for what it looked like post-prom killing as a back up plan. Anyway, Kimberly has reached her limit and goes and cries in the women's bathroom, which is getting an unusual amount of camera time this season, since it's almost featured in every episode. The other two fairy goddesses go to help out their fellow sister and calm her down, which sort of works. She leaves the bathroom and I thought I heard her say "Fuck this." and the censors missed it, but I could be (read: definitely am) wrong.
Now, we get some back story. Kimberly lost her mother when she was 17. Before I could go into the Mommy-dying card rant, she also reveals she lost her stepdad and her brother (I think). Poor woman. She definitely trumps Joshua in the sob story arena, particularly because the story won't be dragged out of half the season. Speaking of Joshua, he asks Anya if she has any fabric "with body" (Huh?!) but she goes into "Secret Bitch" mode and gives him the answer that she may (not) use her fabric. Good thinking. So, a pissed Joshua exclaims in the confessional "I don't need yo fabric!" So, why even bother asking in the first place?

Because we forgot about the prizes for this challenge, the designers talk about the MONEY they could win. Yes, we all like money. I like money. I don't like begging for money because that means I'll go into a mindset that I HAVE to pay them back later but know I can't because I'm dirt broke. Joshua says he practically doesn't have any money because he spent it on getting an education in this business. He goes on to whine about Anya's sewing skills and how she only learned in four months compared to his god knows how many years. Well, maybe some people are better and quicker at learning than others. Maybe there are some things we should never bother asking because it's totally irrelevant. He puts the cherry on top of his grating personality by saying that "True talent will show through". Hard to believe I liked him for a while. A very, very short while.

Uncle Tim pops in to give critiques. Anya pays extra close attention to Laura's critique since they're doing the same bird. Sneaky and smooth. Laura tells us she's been sewing since she was eight and also questions Anya's sewing skills. Oh shut up and leave Anya alone. They're possibly jealous that Anya pretty much appears to be at their level despite her lack of experience. It's like when I took dance in college. The sole theatre person who was able to keep up with the dance majors. But we were great friends, not whiny contestants. Also, when did Laura have the time to get bangs?

The guys get predictable critiques with Tim basically saying he liked it or he didn't like it. Then he comes to poor, poor Kimberly, who's just having one of those days. Hell, I had one of those WEEKS myself but, luckily, no cameras are around to push the envelope. Just worried/oblivious people. Uncle Tim feels so bad for her that he goes over AND GIVES HER A HUG.

JEALOUS.

 Then it's time for the models to come in! Personally, I didn't care for that "Models of the Runway" pathetic ANTM knockoff but I do wish they showed more of the models personalities to see that they're, you know, human. Freakishly tall, thin humans. With good hair. The way that Bert and Joshua have been talking to each other throughout the episode almost made me think that they were shacking back at the Atlas Apartments (an image that is forever burned in my mind AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT) but, since Viktor isn't particularly rattled, I'm pretty sure they're not. More fun times for Kimberly ensue when she not only glues her dress to the table but burns it as well, thanks to the hot glue gun. Now, out of options, Kimberly takes a cue from Anya, becomes Kimberly the Leper and attempts to make a new gown in under three hours. YOU GO DO YOUR THING, GIRL.

Runway day! The triple fairy goddesses manage to squeeze themselves in front of what may be the only mirror in their apartment. Or maybe they were feeling silly that day. You never know. In the workroom, it's all snip, snip, snip. Kimberly the Leper is now all better and feels confident with her new dress. Viktor Regina George again concludes that now KIMBERLY is copying his looks. Oh shut up. Every designer has done some one shoulder gown before in their careers. And, IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS FEATHER DRESS. SHUT UP. Uncle Tim appears with a new, new surprise. Do he really want to give these people heart attacks or is he just twisted? Guess what, THEY'RE ONLY SHOWING ONE LOOK AFTER ALL. I was hoping Kimberly would just stand there for two seconds and reply, "DAYUM!!!", but she didn't and so things move on. Laura tells us that it's practically the Battle of the Beauty Queens (is that a reality show?) which I found to be hilarious and witty. After hair and make up, Anya has to cut and re-sew her garment in order for her chic model, Sveta (cool name!), to fit in. Joshua whines (drink!) about that thinking it's not fair. I think the term "fair" is irrelevant in this competition.

It's runway time, and I think the designers (well, Laura and Anya) thought it was a good idea to dress like their birds. Oye. Our guest judge is Francisco Costa, a designer.

THE GOOD:
Anya: I typed in my notes "I LOVE IT." So does Nina. It's just right and not over the top or literal. Little Black Dress meets Edgy. For the win.

Joshua: He went with his orange dress. I'm not a huge fan of it but it's cute. Melonhead Michael Kors thinks it could do without the strange corsage thing on the shoulder.

Kimberly: Her Grecian Goddess dress looks amazing. And the fact she whipped it up in three hours is applauded by the judges. She even jokes about Viktor sabotaging her via the glue gun but it's all laughs and giggles.

THE BAD:
Viktor: Technically, it's not even that bad. The only concept that threw it off was the feathers theme. I bet it was just one point that kept him between him and Kimberly.

Bert: His dress is a little bland and dumpy. Michael Kors thinks it's pageant. And that word alone means trouble.

Laura: It's not bad but the pants look pretty awful. Again, too literal. And I thought her model's makeup made her look diseased (more so).

In the waiting room, Kimberly (via confessional) celebrates actually beating Viktor of all people, solidifying my love for her. And the judges deliberate, agreeing that there really were only two bad looks out of the six, which was a little weird for them.

The Winner: Anya! She was pretty much the clear cut winner of this challenge. Joshua's reaction edit, however, was anything but flattering. He again whines about the cutting/sewing fit. Does he not know that, sometimes, people do certain things to get through? Besides, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WAS CHEATING OR ANYTHING, like Olivier from Oh-hee-o almost did with the glued boobs. Does he ever shut up?

(Predictable) Bottom 2: Laura and Bert

Eliminated: Bert

He was starting to grow on me a little but I never really could stand him. Hey, maybe he can find success post show. We shall see.

What happens next week will remain a bit of a mystery because I was angry over the fact that I had to watch that crappy post-show extension to find out what does happen, only to get even angrier when Joshua kept snipping at Laura of the Ladies who Lunch (from season 3) who was only )asking him a simple question, which I thought was extremely rude. All I know is that they're bringing everyone back to see who can help the finalists through. Like they always do.

And, one more for the road: SHUT UP.

ANTM All Stars: And then there's Lisa...

Last week, we all bid a surprising farewell to Isis and her oddly placed bazoongas. We return to the Model Mansion as Pullip is congratulated for her uh-mazing photograph. BB Gun confessionalized that she needs to find herself (like everyone else on this program) and I was hoping she was going home, but it's MUCH to early to predict that! Drunk Lisa does what we've been waiting all season: She pops open a fresh bottle of wine. But--wait, she isn't drinking it? No more Cousin It conversations? DAMN YOU! She claims she's not drinking. I think it's one big fat lie.
The next day, there's mail! No, not Tyra Mail, thank God, but actual, real mail! Mostly, the gals are getting gifts like clothes and letters from home-- but not Ms. Wawwlk, who is still on her Jamaican pride kick. She tells us that she's 33 years old, which in model years is equivalent to 200 years. Because of this, she's unsure of how long she can last in the modeling world so she hopes to work behind the scenes as she shows off her "work things" aka BILLS. So jealous.
Kayla Free doesn't feel so well after panel (how out of succession was that?) and the elimination of Isis (if you haven't guessed, I don't use nicknames as soon as a contestant is booted) kind of makes it a bit worse. So she takes some meds. She feels worse and I start to worry. Poor Kayla Free claims her heart is racing and some of the girls (Bitchyanka, Old Soul and I think Pullip) come in for a laying of hands, are genuinely concerned and do their best to help her out. Kayla Free begins to hyperventilate and the crew goes into panic mode, EVEN DROPPING ONE OF THE CAMERAS ON THE FLOOR (giving a great shot of a nice pair of boots). She begins vomiting and an ambulance is called. BB Gun comments on the situation, but she's nowhere to be found so I found her to be hypocritical there. Before we wonder what is Kayla Free's fate, we cut to the opening.

Now, I was panicking over whether or not Kayla Free would be withdrawing because of this scary episode at first but, since she's recapping in the confessional about the ordeal, I figured she would be juuuuuust fine and could breathe easy (for once this week). Phew! She goes to the hospital and the girls are still worried... well, the "Team Face" girls anyway (I'm using that abysmal game Rumble Roses as a way of determining personalities. This means "Face" is good and "Heel" is bad. You can guess who belongs where). Well, they can all breathe a sigh of relief as she returns home with Ms. Laura (such a wonderful gal!) at 2:12 AM. I'm surprised they were awake for that long but, then again, they're models and it was a hospital emergency so, carry on. Kayla Free says she had cardiac arrhythmia but she's still living so who cares about medical terms?

Que ironico as the next day the girls are auditioning for a spot on CSI, which Ms. Laura claims is the biggest show in the world (God love her. She better win). The guest judge of the challenge (and later on in panel) is creator and executive producer (natch) Anthony E. Zuiker, who proceeds to scare the living crap out of these girls by hiding as a corpse on the gurney. Man Face decides to become Annie Wilkes and wants to know his email address so she can send him audition tapes. I hope she doesn't know what hobbling is. The challenge is simple: Have an hour and half to memorize a little scene. It wouldn't be much of a problem but, since CSI is riddled with medical terms, it's a doozy. Drunk Lisa proceeds to prove she's still on her cocky drug and I tuned her out because my skin was beginning to crawl. Ms. Wawwlk the Ancient ponders the possibility of one of them being a permanent character, to which I almost died of laughter.

Since models are horrible actors, it wasn't shocking to see that they all suck. I'm also pretty sure they did what normal actors sometimes do and hide the script in the clipboard they were holding. I sure as hell would. Man-Face does a terrible job and stumbles over the words (yeah, good luck with those tapes). Kayla Free forgets a line but her scene partner (forgive me, I don't watch CSI too often) helps her out and, like a pro, she improvises with "You're a really good doctor!" Tee hee! Bitchyanka attempts to save herself after screwing up the medical terms and possibly go for some product placement by adding "Neosporin" as a term. Oye.

I'm assuming that because BB Gun is given extended time, and claims she's talented (not going into an easy joke there), she's going to do pretty well, which made me all grumpy gills. She says she's bringing the 716 'tude which I really don't think is very attractive. Anyway, she seemed to be a snooze.
Old Soul is next and she's worried about the medical terms. To everyone's surprise, she flawlessly gets her lines down (which I'm pretty sure were in that little report but still). You go, girlfriend!
Drunk Lisa realized she hasn't been on camera for approximately 3 seconds and goes on about how confident she is. I was chanting "Mess up" at home and I got my wish. Boy does she screw up and, like the graceless being she is, curses. A lot. To the point where the director tells her to take this seriously. Drunk Lisa doesn't take acting seriously. I do and seriously wanted to bash her big head in. She continues to screw up and decide to go off script and use drug names than medical terms, which is a big NO. Obviously, she hasn't learned from her cycle where she messed up her interview. At least she didn't sing Ciara's "Oh" this time.

The top 2 come out to be Old Soul and BB Gun. And the winner is... Old Soul! YAAAAAY!!! BB Gun is pissed of course so... drink! The next day, Tyra Mail arrives and, with the obvious clue of "EXPRESS", it appears to be a photo shoot for Express. The women are whisked away to another mansion where I kept thinking they were playing "Poker Face" in the background. We're introduced to the CMO (??) of Express, Lisa Gavales, whose name I forgot in two seconds. The girls will be portraying 1 of 4 roles: Flirt, Cool Chick, Socialite and Girlfriend. Yawn. Oh, and there will be 3 guys in all their shots. This just isn't Kayla Free's episode. At all. But, hey, she got over her guy phobia AND had a heart attack. I think she can handle it.

As always, nothing too interesting happens. Bitchyanka claims that she's the only "model" amongst these girls. Is she for real? 'Cause, if she was a model, she wouldn't be competing AGAIN on this show full of rejects. Mr. Jay is pissed that she had the audacity to say that. Leatherface comes off as commercial and Duck Lips, according to my aunt, looks way older than she is. Keep in mind, Duck Lips is MY age: 21. But, I look like I'm still a teenager. She looks 50. That isn't good. Ms. Wawwlk reminds us she's 33, again, and does a horrible job. Same as Drunk Lisa, who tries to do jumps and looks terrible.

Tyra Mail comes announcing elimination, and Drunk Lisa proceeds to complain to Leatherface, who appears to not give a flying rat's ass. Ms. Wawwlk reminds us for the trillionth time that she's 33. This is her adios edit. Kayla Free celebrates that she managed to survive a hospital visit and still show up for the challenge AND the photo shoot. As inspiring as that is, it would make sense if she didn't go to the hospital, you know, at the beginning of the episode with a little panic attack. I mean, Danielle from Cycle 6 was still reeling from dehydration when she showed up to her photo shoot and missed the challenge. And Adrianne (Mumble Mouth) from Cycle 1 disobeyed doctors' orders and showed up to panel with food poisoning. Kayla Free's visit is kind of trumped by those. But, since she managed to pull through, we (my aunt, sister, and myself) were all relieved.

This looks relieved, right? Right?

(Okay, if she was a family friend [and she totally would be], we would be relieved, seriously. But, in this case, you can taste the sarcasm. Meanwhile, my aunt did her best to model via broken down doll. She got cramps. Bless her heart. It's also where she learned that it's not the brightest idea to ask these three questions about the series...
1) Remember that girl...
2 Who was blonde...
3) In Italy...
As there is a good chance there are 50 girls that fit into those categories)

Panel time! At first, the three of us at home thought Tyra was wearing a jumpsuit. Upon further investigation, she was wearing a vest... with suspenders... and ill-fitting pants. WHY?! Oh, and CSI man is there.

The breakdown goes as such...
-Ms. Laura (Flirt): She does a solid job and looks fantastic. Another winning point for the Haus of Wanda Sue!
-Kayla Free (Cool Chick): She looks phenomenal in her shot (which looks like her semi-final shot with Jane "Richy Rich"). Also, I love her panel dress.
-Man-Face (Cool Chick): She's bashed about her pitiful CSI scene. Her photo's just okay.
-Old Soul (Flirt): Her shot is cuuuuute but her hand appears to be going a little close the male model's, um, no-no spot.
-Duck Lips (Socialite): The shot isn't bad but she looks OLD. One of the judges (I believe Tyra) pointed out that there are two types of socialites: "Paris Hilton" young and "80 years old" old. Guess which one Duck Lips/Glenn Close belongs to?
-Pullip (Girlfriend): She looks adorable both in shot and in panel, where I think she's been watching Orphan way too much.
-Ms. Wawwlk (Socialite): It's a snoozefest. I don't even remember what she was making excuses over. All I heard was she slipped on the steps zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
-Drunk Lisa (Cool Chick): She attempts to moonwalk. Poorly. For once, she's wearing decent pants, but ruins it all with some fugly top and a hideous headband. WHY?! She, too, is bashed for her terrible performance at the challenge. Her photo is bad as well, and she goes into "Excuse" mode (drink!), saying she was concerned about the male models' hunger. Huh? I think it's a well known fact that fashion does not care about if you eat or not. And, you know what, Drunk Lisa? The client doesn't care about your concerns, just get the shot and get out of there.
-Bitchyanka (Flirt): She looks drugged in her photo. And her panel dress is godawful.
-BB Gun (Socialite): Her shot is doable, but not memorable for me. ALT says she looks like a Russian Bride.
-Leatherface (Girlfriend): It's way too commercial but, to the judges, that it does show that she has been working outside of Top Model. Huh.

Deliberations fly by as always and BB Gun snags the top photo. Ah crap. The girls are winnowed down to Drunk Lisa, Ms. Wawwlk, and Duck Lips/Glenn Close. Duck Lips gets her pass so let's bring down the Grandmas.

Basically, they're told that they whine too much. In the end, Drunk Lisa is saved for possibly the same reasons as Duck Lips a few weeks ago: She makes interesting TV. Unlike Ms. Wawwlk, who, by the way, is 33 years old. Did you know that?

NEXT WEEK: We get a visit from the Kardashian Skanks Sisters and a carousel themed runway show just riddled with wipeouts! Also, a screaming match between Bitchyanka and Drunk Lisa. Bum bum BUUUUUUM!!!!