The pyramid ceremony begins with Abby congratulation the kids on a great job last week and she's proud of him. Kelly, however, believes her kids will be on the bottom, and I called this and Maddie being on top the second last week's episode ended. Well, turns out I'm right so far: Brooke and Paige are not only on the bottom but are on probation, whatever that means. I'm sure there's some stipulations that come with it but, as far as I can tell, all they get is bottom status and no solo. Brooke says that it's not fair the two are on probation because they didn't do anything regarding the mature actions between JTL and Kelly last week. Kelly, who's beginning to get on my nerves, says that Abby's hurting her by putting her kids on probation and it's unfair treatment. She says in the studio that the kids weren't prepared. You know, if she didn't drag them out of rehearsals every time she has a screaming match with JTL, then maybe they WOULD be prepared. Abby says Kelly was out of control and used profanity in her studio. At least she didn't throw a chair.
Continuing with Pyramid nonsense, Chole's on the bottom, which Abby says it's because she missed class last time to go to the movies. Huh? Christi says that Chloe misses ONE class and boom, she's bottom material. In the middle is the dream team Mackenzie and Nia. Mackenzie did a good job but it wasn't her best and she needs more ballet classes. Because we all know how well ballet is used here based on the Joffrey audition. Nia worked well with Macks and, even though it seems kind of childish, she fully embraced her role. Holly knows that means a lot to Nia and she's proud of her kid. Squee!
This leaves Maddie Blanche DuBois on top, to the shock of no one. Called it. Abby says Maddie stuck out onstage and pushed on through the skipping music and the audience had her back. HOWEVER, Kelly says that it seems very suspicious how the music skipped in the first place, especially since Abby's been doing this for so long so she knows how to get pity from the audience.
The competition this week is another Energy dance competition, this time in Michigan. Gina, the president of this particular competition, told Abby that there's two studios competing that are hell bent on beating the team. And, since I went online to check the results of this competition beforehand (investigative journalism!), I'm extremely relieved that it's not the Crapples. The group dance this week is titled "Silver Spoons." Oh, like the sitcom? No, it's about the luxuries of life, the finest things, the pretty things, and the gals at the Country Club. Huh? Oh, and a giant spoon will be passed around the entire time. HUH? Maddie and Chloe will have a duet called "Inside of Me". They must work together, be a team, and all that crap but she makes it sound like the two girls want to murder each other. Maddie says that she and Chloe work very well together and they're great friends. I'm with Maddie so poo poo on you, overreacting Abby. Nia has a solo this week! Yay! It's titled "Bound" and it's about being held back. Uh, okay? Macks also has a solo this week called "Daisy Chain" based on the whole "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" flower thingy. Oh, and you have to be in love with the judges, NOT JUSTINE BEIBER. Poor Mackenzie. Maddie also has a solo this week, but it's going to be a recycled solo based on Helen Keller that I'm surely going to die laughing through, mostly because I'm a mature college student who's heard god knows how many Helen Keller jokes and whose father was involved with the play "The Miracle Worker" which he made fun of. She's going to need a rag doll for the number. Kelly gets all whiny again and says Maddie wasn't even supposed to have a solo last time and it's unfair treatment. Waah wah wah. The moms are dismissed and the team warms up.
However, Abby wants to have a little chat with Kelly first. In a nutshell, Abby states that SHE'S THE BOSS. We're treated to a lovely flashback from last week where Kelly acted like a responsible adult by flipping the birds and spewing profanities while Abby lives up to her great reputation and role model status by throwing a chair and stripping Paige of her solo. Abby whips out Kelly's contract, where she has highlighted the section where profanity or foul language by a dancer/parent risks expulsion. In layman's terms, screw up again and you're out of here. Kelly relays this to all of the moms and Holly pulls the "pish-posh" hand gesture. Go Holly!
It's 3 days before the competition (I'll bet) and Abby explains that this group dance is based off the idiom about being born with a spoon in your mouth. Just what is it with Abby's fascination with the rich all of a sudden? She states that they ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE to those two other teams (which remain nameless). As this goes on, the moms discuss Chloe's movie gate. Just why is she being punished THIS week when this occured two weeks ago? Besides, not only did Christi say she had a note, but stated on Twitter that the doctor ordered her to not dance that day. So propriety dictates that, rather than have her sit there until 10 PM doing nothing, she'll go to the movies. She's going to grow up to be pretty well adjusted. The moms accurately suspect Melissa the Snatch for tattling ON A TEN YEAR OLD. Christi says she'd rather have the snitchin' bitch come to her to discuss this than be a fucking tattle tale. They think Melissa's trying to get back on Abby's good side but Mel denies it. Christi brushes that off. Kelly then says that Melissa told her that Abby told Maddie that if her music skipped, just keep on dancing. Hmm... it seems Abby has some tricks up her sleeve that means CHEATING! This isn't what the moms want to teach their kids! Holly is aware that one of the moms is lying and, by process of elimination, it sure as hell isn't her. I mean, she's the tolerable mom who's the voice of reason that everyone likes. Melissa screeches that she would never cheat and conspire in sabotage. She then says that she'll ask Abby about it and tells us she isn't happy about this at all.
While this shitfest unfolds, let's check in on the duet, shall we? Titled "Inside of Me", Chloe pulls a cue from Fallguy Paige and says that she likes it but they only have three days to learn, clean, and perfect the whole thing. Abby stresses that it's about partner work, it's about trusting each other, it has to be technically correct. The way she speaks makes it seem like the girls want to murder each other but, in reality, I think the girls can handle it way better than what Jabba is letting on. Not even twelve seconds into rehearsal, Melissa bursts into the room demanding that she talk to Abby, apologizing for interrupting rehearsal (for the trillionth time) but she needs to speak with her NOW. Mel confessionalizes that she doesn't care that Maddie's mad at her for doing this. Wow, look at you, Mother of the Year.
Up in the Observe-Bitching Room, the moms eyeballs almost fall out of their heads as they watch Melissa screech to Abby about something contrived. The snatch wants to know if Abby cheated for Maddie. Nope. Why would Abby do something intentionally? It makes her look bad (not this show. Nope, no way)! Then there's griping about careers and reputations (which SURELY haven't been tarnished on this show) and not giving special treatment but, as always, my head spun. However, Abby does scream that Melissa should toughen up. Trust.
At the two day mark, Abby is still talking about the two teams that aren't mentioned. Maybe those teams were smart enough to come up with some stipulation to not be associated with this show. Still, WHO ARE THEY?! The girls rehearse Silver Spoons, which is a ballet piece, which of course means acro and some form of light movement. Paige's line this week is that she's nervous about the spoon (direct from Abby's personal kitchen?) and she hopes she doesn't drop it. Editing humors us by showing the spoon being dropped the next second. Nia also comments on the size of the spoon. It's a big spoon. BIIIIIG spoon. Even Abby doesn't like the spoon (she needs it to eat ice cream) so she's going to vie for a smaller one. In the meanwhile, the girls rehearse with a trophy.
Nia gets to rehearse her solo! Holly sees that it has a different kind of tone to it and it's much more mature than her previous solos so she's expecting something different. Abby tells us that it's the first solo she's given Nia since her bomb at Miami. She needs to prove that she's a competitor and that she has the stamina to do this. But why are the rest of the girls in there-- oh, yeah, Abby's a douche and probably going to make them judge her on her piece. Instead, they all applaud. Phew! Maddie goes in to rehearse her solo and she's brought two different dolls to work with. Abby goes with the (appropriate) rag doll over the cutesy one. Abby tells us that the doll is the most important part of the piece, but also one of the most difficult aspects. Since Abby thinks no one is aware of Helen Keller, she reminds us that she was deaf, dumb, and blind (and also the greatest answer in Apples to Apples). Since Maddie is portraying a blind chick, she has to be aware where the doll is while not physically looking at it. Maddie isn't nervous because she's good at playing parts (not to mention that she's done this solo before). Macks goes rehearse and Abby's nervous about if she'll mess up again. She tells us that she's keeping her fingers crossed or else mincemeat ("Mmmmmmmmmmm, mincemeat," she thought). Melissa hasn't done any bitching in the past 3 milliseconds so she says that Macks isn't ready. She needs two WEEKS, not two DAYS. I think Melissa needs to STFU.
Mel and Holly go to lunch since Mel knows that she can talk to Holly without screaming erupting. Holly, however, is resisting that urge because the latest fight the women are fighting this week is driving her insane. How I love Holly. She tells us that she only has the moms to trust for information since, well, Abby is kind of unreliable.
One day until the competition and the girls are rehearsing with a smaller spoon. Abby's not too thrilled with the smaller spoon. Act surprised. She has a lot to do today, which consists of running all the numbers and costume fittings, so she tries to speed things up by screaming. Holly mocks her in the booth by saying "SMILE! SMILE! SMILE WHILE I YELL AT YOU!" which immediately rocketed my love for her in this episode. Once again, they bring up the two mystery teams but for a different reason. Melissa is skeptical of the group routine this week because she knows that it would beat the Crapples (still not shown so far, thank god) but not so much for "two teams out to kill us". Indeed, snatch. Kelly says the kids don't know it, Holly says that she doesn't like it and Christi's worried that the spoon would look like a wand onstage (I'll get on that later). Lather, rinse, repeat.
Then it's costume time! Abby tells us that costumes make or break a performance. OH! So it's not the
It's time for the competition and Abby checks out who's there and brings up the two teams for the trillionth time. WHO ARE THE FUCKING TEAMS?! The duet goes first and we're reminded that it's a difficult routine for them, level wise, so we know that this should be a piece of cake for them. Gia! escorts them to the stage and Chloe tells us she's nervous because of the competition but she's hoping for the best as always. Again, as always, it's Chloe's natural acting versus Maddie's goofy competition face but they manage to do extremely well so I'm not throwing my drink at the screen. Abby's impressed since they've never danced that well before and they were exquisite.
Group time sees more costume bashing. Kelly whines that Paige's costume is two sizes too big (even though it looks fine from my perspective. Of course, I always wear costumes that usually fit like tents so who am I to say anything) and that Abby is just trying to screw Paige over. As I roll my eyes, Kelly says that she's had it with Abby. Kelly's been saying that since the first episode. Anyway, the group goes and the spoon now has a bow on it (courtesy of Christi via her twitter). However, when I watched the piece in full on Youtube (did you really think I was going to take the show's version for granted? Ha!), I seriously thought the spoon was a bouquet of flowers and the girls were 1950's housewives. Or bridesmaids. Nevertheless, I thought the routine was pretty adorable. Abby, naturally, believes it's a winner, a breath of fresh air, and light and pretty.
Of course Abby's wrong and both the duet and group place second. Abby looks shocked but Christ is aware that this is a serious competition and substandard choreo like is basically setting them up to fail. The groups (which I assume are called Dance House and Karen's School of dance because, according to the results, they were the two that appeared the most often in the categories) basically came, saw crap, and conquered. Abby berates the girls for not behaving as they should at competitions and that they're a bit too comfortable with their one win. She begins to lose her shit and demands the best out of the solos. Holly is pleased with seconds, as she should be, and Christi clearly jokes about the skipped cd. Melissa pulls a cue from Phi Phi O'Hara (who I lovingly called Pheces O' Ptosis), sports a bitchface for the ages, and claims that she trusts Abby. You mean like how you trusted her when she said her mother was sick? Snatch.
Abby whines that the competition is a bust so far and I scream into a pillow. She states, "WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO LOSE." She rallies the three soloists and tells them to either win or lose big, to which Holly scoffs. Abby basically says Maddie better do well, Nia better do great and prays to god Macks doesn't forget her solo. Way to be a team player. She again reminds us that it's the first solo Nia's had since her Miami bomb. Abby helps Maddie get all dirtied up as Helen Keller while Kelly bitches that her kids never get special treatment from Abby. Like ever.
 |
| She considers this torture, not treatment. |
I think she's just pissed because she hasn't been drinking today.
Maddie's up first, wearing practically the same ensemble from her "Disappear" solo seasons ago, which I get that costumes are reused in the actual dance world, not this fabricated shit where everything seems so new and fresh like a cleansing spray. Ewwww... at least Maddie's bow isn't so fucked up this time. But I think the choreo is practically just the abused kid one recycled so it's a typical Fatty Lee Miller copyrighted routine. My dad thought it was stupid and I think she was way too observant as Helen Keller. Abby gushes that she did it perfectly. Whatever. Nia's up next and she does a pretty good job, for her. I say that because, on second viewing, it's the same old crap Abby throws at her and it's obvious it's watered down compared to any other solo we've seen from Chloe, Maddie, even Mackenzie. Abby's confidence in Nia is totally there when she says she did good, not great. Way to be. In the dressing room, Maddie gets a lukewarm response while Nia gets enthusiastic cheers from the girls. Holly is there to make me happy and says she's very proud of Nia doing such a fantastic job. She's definitely getting better and is glad Abby's noticing Nia more now. Did I mention I love Holly?
Macks is next to perform and Abby's not taking any chances. She's standing in the wings because Mackenzie has forgotten her solo TWICE (Really? When was the second time?) and left the stage early so if she does it again, Abby will be there to throw her back onstage. The editors reuse a Mackenzie clip saying Abby will yell at her if she forgets her solo and she's chatting with Gia! about how she doesn't get Abby's pyramid method. Gia! gives her a pep talk and away she goes. Macks is too adorable for her own good and doesn't have lipstick on her teeth, unlike Maddie Blanche DuBois watching in the audience. She does a great job but blows it for me by doing that stripper move when she exits the stage. Melissa cries and exclaims that it's the first time Macks made her cry. Oh, so she recognizes her as her daughter once again. I get it.
At awards, Macks gets first overall and Miss Energy petite. Yay! Melissa shows legitimate emotions for once. Nia places ninth and Maddie places fourth, which isn't all that bad. Not for Jabba the Lee, of course. She's only proud of Macks and leaves the dressing room with a confidence boosting, "I don't know what to think." Kelly hasn't complained in the past few minutes so she gets the mood killer ending edit. She follows Abby to give her a piece of her mind (what's left of it anyway), starting with Paige's dress issues. Abby won't have any of it and says that the dance is over, WHO CARES?! My, my, my, how the tables have turned. Whatever happened to criticizing their pieces after they're done? Oh, wait, they can't hear common sense because Abby's had enough and goes to berate the girls and how this is why they change routines and how the moms should go to Abby about bullshit from now on so she can tell them she doesn't care. Melissa is relieved that the CD thing is over and done with but we just know that it'll be brought up again three thousand more times in the future.
Next week on DANCE MOMS: The team goes to the largest competition in the United States, Big Pimpin' Payton is back, which means so is Madame Leslie Rose, who's still psychotic. Brooke brings up going to a formal dance at her school, Lifetime spoils that surprise A MONTH AGO, and I continue to search for lace tops.
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