Previously on Dance Moms: There was about 4 minutes of dancing total, the Crapples waged war on the Fatty Lee Dance Slaves, Jabba the Lee had mood swings between episodes, Jill-Cher and Kendall joined the team, Jill-Cher talked too much, Kendall was on probation, was off for a week, then back on due to her mother's idiocy, and was forced to dance on the Crapples, all the girls were on top at some point, Nia proved her awesome kid status, Brooke explored other options, Paige continued to be Jabba Lee's punching bag, Mackenzie was hysterical, Chloe was sweet, and Maddie Blanche DuBois continued to be grating.
Think I'm done? No way. Melissa the Mattress got engaged "secretly" and proceeded to flip the fuck out, Kelly flipped the fuck out for no reason, Christi showed off her literary skills, and Holly achieved goddess status. We met Cathy's closeted husband, saw Taylor of the Crapples bust her ankle mid-routine, Cathy entered 20-year-olds in the age 9 division, our girls won some times, Nia froze, Chloe forgot her routine, Mackenzie improved a lot, Chloe won overall plenty of times AND a scholarship to the Joffrey's summer intensive, and Maddie blew it BIG TIME.
Also, I vented about my personal life a lot and, most importantly, Vivi isn't freed.
PHEW!
Anyway, on to the show! But first...
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| Uh, scary photoshop touch up? |
The girls enter the room but are dumbfounded by the lack of Abby. Christi assumes that Abby doesn't want to face the moms after what happened back in Jersey. Kelly wonders if she'll apologize and I'm pretty sure it's Mackenzie who responds with an honest "NO!" Out of the mouths of babes. Melissa the Mattress tells they were waiting for a good 30 minutes when the billowing black cloud (courtesy of Christi, spoken OUT LOUD) makes her grand entrance. She somberly welcomes back the team and even congratulates Chloe on her win back in Jersey. She didn't win just for herself but for the whole of the company. Next, she brings up Holly's assumptions of playing favorites and, wouldn't ya know, she was right! Abby was upset over Maddie Blanche DuBois' solo bomb. Duh-huh. Holly suggests that the team deserves a hug and the discussion quickly turns to the standard yelling we've all been accustomed to on this show. Mackenzie plugs her ears and rolls her eyes and Melissa doesn't say anything. Abby then tells them that she's not their babysitter, she's their coach.
On to the competition. The team will be heading to Nexstar in Los Angeles, which means that they were the only venue that will allow them to film. Abby tells us that LA kids are fearless because this is what they do for a living. Unlike our girls. Pyramid time begins with Paige at the bottom for mishandling her jailhouse prop. A newly braided Nia is next because of some clothing malfunction in rehearsals. Brooke follows for something stupid like pointe at the Joffrey audition. Already, my head is spinning with confusion. It worsens when Maddie is in the middle, even when Abby says she SHOULD be on the bottom because of the epic bomb. Christi whines about favoritism which we already are aware of, but I like Christi so it's fair enough. Macks is next and is the only one to get really positive criticism. Abby tells her she has energy and charisma and Macks tells us she's excited to be in the middle. And, finally, Chloe is on top for basically maintaining her composure, winning in Jersey, and being fantastic. Okay, so that was MY critique.
Because of her top status, she'll be featured in the group dance, as well as a solo, which Macks also gets. Abby says she was planning on entering Maddie in a solo but might not in the end due to her changed personality. There's also going to be a trio and it'll consist of Chloe, Paige and Brooke. Go figure. The group dance will be called "I want it now", depicting the epitome of the rich brat, meaning Abby has been watching Willy Wonka one too many times. As always, the girls must bring their A-game to this competition.
In the Observe-Bitching room, the moms dish on what happened last time. Holly starts off by lamenting that she only wants Abby to do her job. Understandable. Christi says Abby acted like an asshole (or some other juicy word, I couldn't catch it). Agreeable. Then they start off how Abby keeps changing her story and that she's a big ol' liar and my head starts spinning again. Wait, Abby lying? Huh? Luckily, Melissa sort of clears up some of the misunderstanding. You see, after the last episode aired, the Internet rumor mill suggested that Abby was leaving so she could see her mother, who is very sick, as we learned way back in season one. This is what Melissa thought also, which is why she was the one to call the cab. Turns out, ABBY LIED TO HER TOO!! She's upset over that and Holly thinks that was pretty shoddy of Abby. The moms want Melissa to stand up for herself and to Abby but Melissa thinks the moms just want another show. She changes the subject by saying that she's relieved the Candy Apples won't be at Nexstar, to which the moms (and I) celebrate. Christi pokes fun at Crazy Cathy and thinks it was so weird that they would wet their pants over NINTH PLACE.
Speaking of, we zip away to the crazy farm that is Canton, Ohio, to peek in at the Apples rehearsing. Crazy Cathy Hannigan is still on her high from beating the ALDC (by one point AND THEY STILL LOST) as we see the team stumble over each other, with a brand new pasty boy to join the team. Guess what? Taylor's been cleared by the doctors and is able to dance again. Taylor then enters in her
Thankfully, we rush back to Pittsburgh to watch Chloe rehearse her solo, titled "Keep Burning" and will be complete with a red hot costume. Abby describes it as a hot lyrical number, which is often synonymous as "Hustler Club" material. Ever the confidence booster, she hopes Chloe won't screw up and forget the routine. Christi tells us of the ever growing pressure on Chloe (when isn't there any pressure on anyone on the team?) and how Abby's other catchphrase "It's hard STAYING on top" is starting to get grating. Chloe, however, is pretty good at keeping a good poker face as Abby berates her. After she rehearses, Abby gives her applause. It's now time to leave but the moms are really hoping Melissa will talk to Abby about the whole lying thing but Melissa believes (accurately) that this should be handled behind closed doors. Then again, this is television. The moms go to confront Abby and as soon as Melissa says how others basically say how she kisses her butt, Abby goes on the defensive and starts rambling. All the moms just want Abby's back, but she's being a bitch so they give up. Thankfully, no talks of Abby's father giving her the period talk is mentioned.
Mackenzie rehearses her solo on a new day and is excited over the tricks she does in the number. Abby instructs her to suck up to the judges and be sassy. Abby confessionalizes that she feels Macks has matured and how she loves this whole piece. Then the group rehearses. I think Abby tells us that Chloe has been made the leader of the group this week but isn't sure she can handle it. After some more pyramid crap, we go to the moms and Holly's a bit rattled from Abby's stroke rant. Melissa tells her side of the story (stuff we know by heart at this point) and the moms tell her they had her back but want her to be strong. Instead, she threw them under the bus. Christi tells us Melissa lied to them again! (Drink!) Melissa makes as many excuses as Abby does and staunchly calls herself a doormat. Well!
The trio rehearses and it's called "Girls in the House". I'd put an exclamation point at the end of it but this episode is so convoluted. One of the moms notes that this may be challenging because all the girls in the trio have completely different styles. Chloe is lyrical, Brooke is acrobatic, and Paige is usually the one Abby says who screws things up. Maddie is the swing but, for no apparent reason, Abby has her demonstrate just how the number should be done. Because there's obviously no favoritism there. Could it be Abby's way of rubbing it in the others' faces? Ms. DuBois finds it strange to see Chloe treated like this and also thinks it's weird to not have a solo this week. All of this with a schadenfreude grin. Of course, of course, Miss Humble. Kelly (and the world) thinks the choreography (see Victor Smalley? It's not "chorography") is stupid because there's really no technique in any of the dances this week. Chloe bangs her knee and Abby reprimands her, just because she hasn't yelled at Chloe in a few seconds.
Chloe rehearses her solo once again and Jabba the Lee has Nia, Paige, and Blanche DuBois sit and watch so they can critique. Wow, that's pretty fucking low. Melissa decides to join the bitch train by saying she's glad that Maddie only has to worry about the group this week and comments the growing pressure on Chloe. Bitch. Christi laments that the kids should be supportive and not judgmental. Nia, showing the maturity of a grown adult, says she didn't like this situation and it made her feel really uncomfortable. After the kids give so-so critiques, Abby berates Chloe once again and tells her how she has the whole reputation of the company on her shoulders. Oye.
Some more group rehearsal (sans Brooke) and more setting up Chloe to fall follows. Poor Chloe tells us that this week she's doing pretty much everything imaginable (a solo, group and trio) and she's getting nervous. I was distracted because I spotted Gia! doing her thing. Then she notices something's up with Chloe. Chloe's hip is in pain! She has her sit out for a while, like a smart person, while Christi rushes down with ice. With the terms she uses, I wonder what she majored in in college. She says that Chloe is usually too afraid to speak up (like me!) but she's holding up pretty damn well. You go, Chloe. Elsewhere, Abby "happens" to walk in on Maddie practicing the solo she screwed up. I refuse to believe that they never really discussed the whole Jersey thing so Abby has Maddie rehearse it once. She asks her if she really knows that dance. Yeah, says Maddie. Do you think you could perform it again at another competition? Hmm. Abby, like always, believes this could be a winning number and that Maddie better be prepared just in case they "happen" to call her up to do it.
It's finally competition time in LA. Abby tells us that there's going to be tons of numbers, lots of money being spent so this is gonna last all freakin' day. Fantastic. Talks of the line up aside, Abby confesses that she found out that they haven't scratched Maddie's number. Of course, of course. Christi is pissed that Abby didn't do that because she thinks that Chloe isn't enough. Abby goes to have a talk with Maddie. Maddie Blanche DuBois wants to do it but isn't confident since the whole bomb. This entire scene is so confusing.
The trio is up first and Paige's line for the week is how nervous she is because Brooke hasn't done a trio with Chloe and Paige before and afraid that she'll be yelled at. They go and it looks okay, even if Paige forgets a kick. So, of course, Paige is prepared for the worst. As she's being bashed, Paige giggles a little but Abby doesn't want her to laugh during her critique. Christi notes how Paige is usually the fall guy and jokes how if there's no kick, then it's the end of the world. "PAIGE IS ARMAGEDDON!" I was laughing too hard. Kelly argues with Abby, who blows her off. Naturally. Macks is next and Abby lightens up by saying that if she doesn't win, they'll just blame her mom. HA! Macks sound bite for the week: "Abby will totally yell at me if I forget this dance!" Her prop is a huge shoe. Cute! She does pretty well until she slips during a handspring and hurts her foot. She forgets part of the number and we're led to believe she just runs offstage but, knowing this show, she probably finished it. Backstage, she's crying as Chloe and Paige try to calm her down. She's in pain and Abby, for once, uses common sense by asking what went wrong. Mackenzie says that she got hurt and Abby tells her she did the right thing by leaving the stage. Phew! In the green room, Abby comforts her some more by telling her accidents happen. Elsewhere, more Maddie wanting to do the solo but she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Abby confesses that she kind of forced this on her. SHIT, REALLY?!
Outside, Maddie, choking up, tells her she isn't ready to do the solo. Abby believes Maddie feels like a failure. Oyish.
Chloe's up next with her solo and Christi thinks Abby just tries to psych Chloe out. Just in case, Christi gives Chloe one of her famous pep talks. Chloe believes Maddie Blanche DuBois froze because of the pressure and they all know the feeling since they've all done it before. Since this show would be nothing without bullshit, turns out Maddie wasn't scratched and is called for her solo. Maddie is confused beyond belief and Melissa's story this week is that Maddie's "sick". Maddie thinks she should do it anyway and Abby tells us that the judges "didn't know" Maddie was scratched. Meanwhile, I believe I should start drinking wine while I watch this show to numb the dumb. In the end, we see the promo shot of Maddie hyperventilating in the audience into a less than concerned Melissa. Chloe goes to dance and Christi tells us this competition is really tough because no one is familiar with the team and Chloe's competing at the very bottom of the age group. Not that it matters because Chloe's a dream when she dances. Christi feels that Chloe really internalized that girl on fire (she's portraying Katniss Everdeen?). It was beautiful and she (and I) enjoyed it. Like, I got chills at the end. Chloe feels good and says, "I mean, I can't go back out and do it again!" LOL! She also says that if doesn't win this time, she can just impress them next time. Love her.
At the standard green room group rehearsal, complete with standard screaming from Abby, Melissa thinks the choreography is a bit watered down than usual and they won't do so well at this competition. Abby, once again, says the competition has no idea who she is (THANK GOD) and then decides to tell Maddie that, had she done her solo, maybe they'd remember her name. That's encouraging. Also, WTF?
The group performs. I think it's pretty cute, save for Maddie's goofy competition face that my dad thinks looks like a horse. Nia utilizes her Shangela-taught death drop and Chloe does an awesome job because I'm on Team Chloe. The choreography, however, looks dumb but Abby ponders just how far "cute" will get them. Isn't that exactly what she said in the first episode last season? And didn't they win then? Seriously, Jabba the Lee, shut up.
Thankfully, it's time for the awards! The background music just depicts trouble coming. Mackenzie gets tenth place in the petite group. Melissa believes the judges didn't get to see the whole dance. THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER INJURED HERSELF. Common sense just flies out of this woman! Chloe, on the other hand, gets fifth place. Abby believes that her performance was "fair to good". Way to have confidence in Chloe. The group also gets fifth. Kelly thinks that they did pretty swell and they looked the part of entitled brats.
JTL, on the other hand, didn't think the competition went so well. She then goes on to say that, out of all the kids, only Mackenzie got a high score in overall. Um, what the fuck is she talking about because I didn't see that anywhere in this episode. Then again, this is what this show does best. I think this song should be the new theme song. In the dressing room, she blabbers how they pretty much wasted their time coming just to get fifth place. Kelly managed to get 2 and a half words out before The Abominable Dance Teacher launches into a screaming tired that, for no reason, includes bashing Brooke's turns and Kelly struggling to pronounce "fouette", meaning she was probably drinking. But, still, that was extremely low for Abby to say CONSIDERING BROOKE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE. Christi, offended how Abby says crap like this in front of the kids, ushers the kids out of the room. Kelly and Abby scream about proper English usage and Kelly, accurately, calls Abby's choreo stale and that she's been doing this for too long. With a final "Don't eat me!" we finish the episode.
I kind of didn't catch what happens this season beyond the standard screaming matches and wins but it does include the return of Big Pimpin' Peyton that, allegedly, pits her against Brooke. But Lifetime likes to spoil things and put up promo pictures where Peyton is included but not Brooke (a commenter said Brooke was at her 8th grade formal). Oh, and a zombie dance which I'm more than excited for, which is very upsetting.
Next week on Dance Moms: The famous Paige-Chair-Stopper scene where Kelly's head spins, Maddie Blanche DuBois has ANOTHER crying fit, and Paige is mysteriously missing for her solo. And I'm going to be forced to watch this nonsense sober.
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