The girls walk into the room the same way anyone would expect at this place: sluggish with complete dread. And Abby wastes no time calling them out on that, calling them sluggish (duh), boring, and slobs. SHE WANTS ENERGY! SHE WANTS EXCITEMENT! Lady, there's no way you're getting any of that from these girls who are ready to go deaf from hearing you scream.
Let's move on to the pyramid, starting with Maddie directly at the bottom, first picture revealed. Melissa the Snatch feels that Maddie Blanche DuBois shouldn't be on the bottom, but then again she also probably believes that the world revolves around her 9 year old so let's not waste any more time on her, shall we? Basically, she could've done her solo but blew it and cried in the audience. Maddie honestly confessionalizes that she didn't want to let Abby down but she did and now probably feels even WORSE that before. As much as I can't stand her, I really pitied her slightly. Dear god, what's wrong with me? Anyhoo, Mackenzie is next because Abby gave her a winning number (debatable), but only tenth? Hey, Abby, didn't you say she won an overall score last time? Paige the Fall Guy rounds out the bottom because she forgot a step and because she's Paige, the Fall Guy.
In the middle, we've got Brooding Brooke because she was practically trained to give half-assed expressions that Abby wants to be genuine. Puh-lease. Abby wants her to stop focusing so much on the steps and more on her emotions. Nia is next because she's a good kid and Abby respects her responsibility as a dancer. Nia didn't talk to loudly and basically was a good noodle. Speaking of good noodles, Chloe's on top for a second week in a row! She did a great solo BUT (natch) Abby wants MOOOOOOOOOOORE from her. Ugh. Oh, and she wants to win again. Abby, that is.
This week, the team is going to Energy dance competition in Chicago. Last time they went, they didn't do so well and I got very confused very fast that time. If you don't remember, they did the plastic surgery freakshow piece there and lost out to the Dance Moms Miami team. Chloe forgot a little bit of her solo and placed fifth, losing out to Kimmy of DMM, who lost to Maddie, who placed first. And, to make sure they weren't making shit up, I looked at the results online and discovered that there's an Energy division and a Power division. Anyway, pretty sure this is that same competition. For the dances this time around, the dream team of Nia and Mackenzie (yyyyyeeeeessss!) will be doing a duet and Chloe, Brooke, and Paige will all be doing solos. Abby is quick to point out that, oh no, this isn't a reward for Paige. This is just a solo. Good god, woman! She also points out that Chloe missed a class last time so, in reality, she shouldn't be getting a solo. Christi points out that Chloe had a doctor's appointment that day but Abby demands a doctor's note. Christi says she has one and all is put to rest.
Because they're slovenly, Abby almost didn't want to do a group number this time. Instead, she was inspired to create a zombie inspired piece. Handy! Oh, and Holly? Since you've taken a leave of absence, you'll be doing designing the costumes. RECORD SCRATCH. As we remember from last time, Holly doesn't have much experience with costumes so this might be a challenge for her. And away we go to see them rehearse.
Gee, I never knew zombies could do acrobatics. Normally, they fall apart with one step and a good bash to the head. Abby laments that the girls have got to get it together. They start out the piece as statue busts and, while I think the idea is cool and everything, just how exactly do statue busts and zombies go together? I think Abby is ripping off the Statue piece and Ramalama from SYTYCD and putting them together. Melissa whines about Maddie being unprepared (or Maddie confessionalizes it, I forget which) and our Observe-Bitching room starts off with Kelly asking Melissa if she thinks Maddie's at the bottom because of her. Melissa tries to brush that off in a way similar to Phi Phi O'Hara (lovingly called Pheces O'Ptosis by yours truly) by saying "Nah, everything's fine. She [Abby] doesn't need me anymore." Why do you say that, Mel? She tells us she's no longer working the front desk anymore and found a replacement for her. She misses it, for no apparent reason mentions that she gets emails about it, but she doesn't have the time for it now. Uh, you spend god knows how long in a room of gloom watching your kids dance, what else are you doing? Nevertheless, Kelly isn't buying it. Christi notes that since Melissa "retired" because she wasn't needed anymore, that friend bond with her and Abby is now broken. Melissa has no idea how much her ass is going to be handed to her and I can't wait.
Let's look in at Paige the Fall Guy and her solo. Abby lets us know that, unlike the other 734 pieces they've done on this show, this number was choreographed a year ago but they never got around to finishing it and, as a result, it has never been performed. Paige tells us that it has a little bit of everything in it but, of course, no Paige interview is complete without her telling us that she likes the damn number. Brooke is next to rehearse and, guess what, her legs are over her head 78% of the time. Shocker. Abby says Brooke has her work cut out for her this time, saying that this number will be tough and that she's going to need a lot of stamina for it. It's called "Paint the Picture" and the imagery Abby uses to describe it is that Brooke basically paints pictures with her body and I immediately couldn't wait to see this (how crushed I'll be later in the episode). She tells her to that she wants to meet with Kelly. Because this brings up all sorts of fun. Kelly, Paige has a prop in this dance. It's a chair. She needs it painted black and have stoppers on the bottom so it doesn't slip. Okay. Oh, and about Brooke's voice lessons. Abby wants Brooke to take them HERE at the DANCE studio from now on. Since when did Abby have kids singing at her studio?! I am so lost. Anyway, Abby says that, in Brooke's contract, SHE is the manager (I'm calling bull on that). Kelly says that of course you manage her in DANCE. Abby doesn't think Kelly knows what she's doing. But, if she asks Brooke to sing, she better SING.
Sometime later, Melissa pulls Abby to the side for a little talk, since she has to work extra hard to be a suck up. Since losing her job at the front desk, and because Maddie hasn't been doing solos lately, Maddie hasn't had any private sessions with Abby and Melissa wants the best for her because Melissa is a snatch. Abby, on the other hand, is a little hesitant about it because she doesn't have enough time but manages to squeeze in an hour for Maddie. However, she has an ulterior motive: Abby wants to know things from Maddie's perspective. Clever.
Macks and Nia rehearse their duet titled "Circus, Circus". It's an acro routine (what else?) that Macks is excited over and Nia loves because, hey, she loves the circus! The theme is that Mackenzie is the lion and Nia is the lion tamer. We don't spend too much time with them because I'm guessing since they work pretty well together (as evidenced from the first season when they wiped the floor with Vivi and Justice), they'll be just fine. Let's move on to the random story of the night which is Brooke's singing lesson. Brooke tells us that Abby is MAKING her go to the studio's voice teacher, who, coincidentally, is named Cathy and could be mistaken for another Abby. Apparently, Jabba the Lee asked Kelly/Brooke 20 TIMES in the past month to take voice lessons here. At the DANCE studio. Because that makes perfect sense. So, how are we doing, says an eerily calm Abby. Pretty good, says Cathy. Brooke's even wrote a little diddy! Let's hear it! Brooke has a pretty good voice. A little pop-esque for my taste but still. Abby, again, let's us know that she doesn't want Kelly to ruin Brooke. And what about you-- oh, wait, she went back into the studio.
It's time now to check in on Holly's costume challenge and she's taking no prisoners about this. Holly believes that Abby's doing this because she thinks she's going to fail, and that's satisfaction Holly flat out refuses to give Abby. She's more than prepared by coming in with the basics, photo references, details, and the other moms to help give them that destroyed look. Christi says that they'll breathe life into the dance. Irony! They're doing a great job so far and it's so nice to see the moms like this. To up the ante, they take the costumes outside to destroy them by giving them grass stains, to which Kelly attacks with gusto. The moms note that this is kind of like therapy for Kelly by venting her anger towards Abby towards the costume. This whole scene is making me laugh and grateful I'm watching this sober.
Kidding! I wouldn't drink every Tuesday. Not yet anyway. Wine ain't cheap you know.
More rehearsals ensue while Kelly quickly colors the chair Paige is using with black marker. She tells us that she was so wrapped up with the costumes and other things that she kind of forgot about the chair. Hey, accidents happen. After yelling at the girls about being boring, yawning, sloppy, and lazy (such encouragement), Abby asks Paige to get the chair for her solo. Paige looks terrified when she enters the room. Abby notices that it has been colored with marker, already knows Kelly forgot the damn chair, but flips out over how it doesn't have stoppers. Like a mature adult, she tosses the chair across the room, and like another mature adult, Kelly flips the bird. In a moment of bipolar behavior, Abby calmly asks Paige about how her mother embarrasses her and Paige has a look on her face that reads, "WTF?" Paige begins to cry and Kelly begins to accuse Abby of punishing Paige. She charges down into the room, curses up a storm, and tells her kids to get out of them, threatening to take their solos away. Meanwhile, Christi comforts Paige, who is sobbing, and Holly evacuates the children into the hall while the showdown continues. Then Kelly screams how she's been working all day and all Abby's done is gone down and EAT all day. "STOP EATING! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAT!!!" she shrieks. This is how eating disorders start but okay. Abby confessional- "She was a mean girl at 12, she's a mean girl now." Kelly storms out of the studio with her kids, viciously telling the new desk clerk to credit the rest of her tuition. Christi escorts them out the door with a face of pure befuddlement.
Yikes.
It's a new day and the team arrives to rehearse. Kelly pulls the ole "I'm doing this for my kids" standby but her battle plan for today is to stay OUT of the studio. Good plan. Melissa and Holly escort the kids inside and comment on how gorgeous the day is as Abby bellows at the kids to get in the room. It's such a good day that the moms are going to work on the costumes outside. This includes spray painting tutus. They look like they're having a lot of fun, despite the environment hazards. Then again, this isn't "Greenpeace Moms". Oh, and I spotted Gia! for a second so all was good.
Time for Chloe to rehearse her solo, which Abby describes as avant-garde and a good number. Chloe finds the number darker and more mysterious than other numbers. She also feels great being on top again but, again, finds a lot of pressure from Abby. Drink! Outside (I think) Holly comments that she's glad to see Kelly back. She feels confident about the costumes and thinks that this is the best team ever. I love Holly when she's giddy.
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| Right on the nose. Also, remember when Lindsay was more popular than the blondes? |
Abby's common sense kicks in and tells Melissa to not worry about the moms. Shame this won't work on Melissa.
It's time for the competition complete with the bus! Abby sees that Kelly isn't on the bus. Hallelu! After some bus driver yelling, they arrive in the Windy City. But wait! The Hylands aren't here yet! PAIGE GOES ON IN 20 MINUTES (I'm sure). Christi hasn't had the opportunity to speak with Kelly. However, Melissa sees and opening, drags Maddie into a bathroom to force her to suck up to Abby and ask to do the freakin' solo. During this, I was chatting with a friend and we came to the conclusion that Melissa pisses everyone off-- even her own children! Seriously, this snatch is so evil. However, in Maddie's words, it's not force, it's ENCOURAGEMENT. Right. Anyway, Maddie asks Abby to come out into the hallway to talk. Because 9 year olds do things like this. Abby is "impressed" by Maddie's maturity, but sees right through her solo-wanting. Abby thinks it's wishy washy and this isn't how Maddie would approach the task. Out of the blue (or she was hiding the whole time behind a column. Who knows?), Melissa charges in but Abby stops her in her tracks. She has no interest with Snatch-bullshit and tells Maddie to stop crying. Oh, goody, she's with officials to tell them of her situation with the Hyland sisters and sees if they can work in Maddie.
In the green room, guess what? Maddie's doing a solo. Christi's quip- "Par for the course." Ugh. Kelly finally enters in an elegant dress that... is not flattering on her. Abby almost has a stroke. Holly reminds us of the long history between Abby and Kelly (Kelly danced with the ALDC back as a kid) and how that long history has lead to heavy tension. Paige rehearses her solo but Kelly's pissed (drink!) that Abby isn't paying attention (drink!). She whines about how Abby doesn't bother looking up from her laptop but at this point, I so don't care. Kelly's head nearly explodes upon the discovery that Maddie is, in fact, doing her solo. She's even more pissed now because, allegedly, Abby didn't spend as much time with her kids this week as she did with the others. Well, maybe if you didn't pull them out of rehearsal early... So she pulls their solos at the last minute. Shocker. They wait in the green room but, the way they're positioned, it looks like they're in a bomb shelter in WWII. Abby, as always, is worried about how the judges are going to believe that she's a jerk. And this show won't? Oh, and that it's unprofessional, but that's a big duh-huh.
With Paige and Brooke not doing shit (and, subsequently, landing at the bottom of the pyramid due to Kelly's actions, which she'll probably rant about next time), Chloe goes to perform in some weird hairdo. This time around, she's really sharp in her movements and Christi believes she owns the stage. Agreed. Chloe tells us that, this time, she didn't second guess herself and that she'll try to do that from now on. Team Chloe!
Maddie is next and she's nervous about bombing AGAIN. Eh, from my point of view, it looks kind of meh-ish. And blah. And then her music skips. Oh good gravy. This solo is cursed. Abby says her heart just jumped into her throat (nah, that could be a ham sandwich. ZING!) when, WAIT, what's this? Maddie's still dancing! As much as I'm going to regret saying this but, go kiddo! As everyone gives a standing ovation, Melissa the Snatch says that Maddie handled herself like a pro. So I'm guessing this might rocket her back up to the top of the pyramid. Oye.
Time for the solo awards. Chloe gets third and Maddie gets second. Christi is pissed, and all returns to the standard format of this show.
Because of the whole "Mom screwed us over" gate, Kelly's plagued with letting her kids dance in the group number. She says that she's not supporting Abby as a teacher but she's teaching her kids a lesson in teamwork and to never let a group down. Yawn. Holly tells us she's supporting Kelly as a friend and Kelly cries. I swear, Kelly's bipolar. However, Kelly is aware that if she does pull her kids from the group, it'll just lead to an even bigger fight.
Nia and Macks (sounds like a kid's show) dance "Circus, Circus" and it's the most ridiculously adorable number I have ever seen. And they're fantastic. Nia is proud that they managed to pull it off in 3 days. Afterwards, Kelly is still acting like a pisswad and then decides that she's going to let her kids dance. Then it's time to zombie-fy the girls. Abby walks in and is completely impressed by everything, from the costumes to the make-up to Holly stirring blood in a cup. Holly believed that Abby expected her to fail but, in the end, she took her by surprise. TEAM HOLLY! While Abby moans about not being in the top 5, the girls go and dance. The female judge gives "I LOVE IT" faces, as do I, though I think I saw Paige screw up, again. But it could be part of the dance, who knows at this point. Holly enjoyed it and thought it was excellent. Agreed.
Now it's time for the group awards. To the shock of no one, the duet wins! Holly is thrilled! Macks does a roar and I die of adorableness! And the group? FIRST! They're back on top, much to Abby's relief. In the dressing room celebration, Abby congratulates the team for the win and Holly for the costuming. But this show never ends on a happy note, so let's zoom over to Kelly. The kids go wash off all the gunk on their bodies as Abby talks with Kelly. And by "talk", I mean, "argue". And by "argue", I mean, "scream random bullshit." Kelly accuses Abby of mismanaging time, Abby has no idea what's she's talking about, and, for no reason, brings up an incident from the past when Kelly's husband accidentally ran the foot of one of the girls and how she was the first one at the hospital. Uh, what about the dad? Who cares! It's finally over!
Next week on Dance Moms- More screaming. Kelly's contract with the company is brought out, Mackenzie struggles, Melissa whines some more and there's dancing involved somewhere.
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