I'm going to forget their names at some point but it's too much fun to come up with nicknames for the top 20 contestants! And here they are!
THE GIRLS:
Alexa= Sad Horns
She didn't make it last season and lost her spot to Ryan a.k.a. Happy Pants. Plus, almost anytime she was shown in Vegas, she either had blank expressions or was depressed. Even when she celebrated looked forced.
Amber= Blandy
She's tried out numerous times before but I think I remember her from a season where the judges were like "You dance great. But there's no emotion." Plus, she's kind of dull.
Amelia= Lili
Amelia loves the 1920's to the point where she dresses like a flapper girl. She has this joie de vivre reminiscent of the titular character portrayed by Leslie Caron in Lili.
Audrey= Neck Fart
Her "special" talent. Need I say more?
Eliana= Second Coming
During her audition, the judges compared her to Melanie Moore, a.k.a a whole bunch of nicknames and eventual winner from last season. Plus, I loved her from the first second I saw her.
Janaya= Alisa Summers
The latest "...That Girl" was barely featured even up into Green Mile. So she bears the name of the first queen eliminated from Drag Race Season 4, who also was unmemorable.
Janelle= Gypsy Queen
Another favorite of mine, she's the first belly dancer to make the show. And she doesn't fail to impress.
Lindsay= Sexpot
She's Witney's best friend and during their Top 20 routine, she pulled the sexy out immediately.
Tiffany= Invisible Girl
Another girl who was unmemorable during the Vegas round and I already can't remember who she is.
Witney= Mystique
Unlike her bff, Witney is almost too cute for her own good. To the point where I wasn't even sure if she would even make it to Vegas. She proved me wrong in 2 seconds of her audition where she morphed into a firebird.
THE BOYS:
Brandon= How He Move
Like Jenelle, he's a first for the series, but he's the first stepper to make it. And there's a movie out there called How She Move about a female stepper so, yeah.
Chehon= Sloppy Swiss
He's the other ballet dancer but
he's not that impressive compared to Daniel or Eliana. Plus, during
their top 20 routine, he seemed a bit off compared to the other two.
Cyrus= Gauge
Geez, you think Nigel just wanted him to improve ratings? The "Animator" (whatever that means) has huge gauges in his ears. And I don't like gauges.
Cole= Hidden Dragon
The martial artist looks pretty impressive. He also looks like he could snap my neck in two.
Daniel= Yummy
The Aussie Ballet dancer put his career on hold, but DAMN he's gorgeous. *drools* Oh, um, hmm. He's crazy good.
Dareian= Nips
Another one of those dancers who just can't seem to keep his shirt on, but Nigel had me at a comment where he said that his nipples could cut ice or something.
George= Debbie's Treasure
It seems that every time this kid is shown, Debbie Allen is there to praise him like a good ol' mama bear.
Matthew= Gosling-Guy
The contemporary dancer has a
strange likeness to Ryan Gosling so it seems appropriate. Also, I
screwed up his name and thought it was "Adam" but whatever.
Nick= Catie
Remember that chick from ANTM who just. couldn't. stop. crying. every. second. It looks like that he might either puke or cry at the drop of a hat, kind of like her!
Will= The BFG
The dude is freakin' tall! Like, he towers over Cat Deely. In heels. And yet there's something about him that just makes me want to give him a humongous hug.
The list might change over time if something more interesting occurs with these kids but I'm pretty satisfied with my work here. Enjoy!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Dance Moms: WHICH TEAMS, DAMN IT? Screw it, I'll find out myself...
Last time on DANCE MOMS, Jabba the Lee threw a chair, Koo Koo Kelly threw a fit, Maddie Blanche DuBois danced to beatbox music, the girls swept the competition and there wasn't a Candy Apple in sight.
The pyramid ceremony begins with Abby congratulation the kids on a great job last week and she's proud of him. Kelly, however, believes her kids will be on the bottom, and I called this and Maddie being on top the second last week's episode ended. Well, turns out I'm right so far: Brooke and Paige are not only on the bottom but are on probation, whatever that means. I'm sure there's some stipulations that come with it but, as far as I can tell, all they get is bottom status and no solo. Brooke says that it's not fair the two are on probation because they didn't do anything regarding the mature actions between JTL and Kelly last week. Kelly, who's beginning to get on my nerves, says that Abby's hurting her by putting her kids on probation and it's unfair treatment. She says in the studio that the kids weren't prepared. You know, if she didn't drag them out of rehearsals every time she has a screaming match with JTL, then maybe they WOULD be prepared. Abby says Kelly was out of control and used profanity in her studio. At least she didn't throw a chair.
Continuing with Pyramid nonsense, Chole's on the bottom, which Abby says it's because she missed class last time to go to the movies. Huh? Christi says that Chloe misses ONE class and boom, she's bottom material. In the middle is the dream team Mackenzie and Nia. Mackenzie did a good job but it wasn't her best and she needs more ballet classes. Because we all know how well ballet is used here based on the Joffrey audition. Nia worked well with Macks and, even though it seems kind of childish, she fully embraced her role. Holly knows that means a lot to Nia and she's proud of her kid. Squee!
This leaves Maddie Blanche DuBois on top, to the shock of no one. Called it. Abby says Maddie stuck out onstage and pushed on through the skipping music and the audience had her back. HOWEVER, Kelly says that it seems very suspicious how the music skipped in the first place, especially since Abby's been doing this for so long so she knows how to get pity from the audience.
The competition this week is another Energy dance competition, this time in Michigan. Gina, the president of this particular competition, told Abby that there's two studios competing that are hell bent on beating the team. And, since I went online to check the results of this competition beforehand (investigative journalism!), I'm extremely relieved that it's not the Crapples. The group dance this week is titled "Silver Spoons." Oh, like the sitcom? No, it's about the luxuries of life, the finest things, the pretty things, and the gals at the Country Club. Huh? Oh, and a giant spoon will be passed around the entire time. HUH? Maddie and Chloe will have a duet called "Inside of Me". They must work together, be a team, and all that crap but she makes it sound like the two girls want to murder each other. Maddie says that she and Chloe work very well together and they're great friends. I'm with Maddie so poo poo on you, overreacting Abby. Nia has a solo this week! Yay! It's titled "Bound" and it's about being held back. Uh, okay? Macks also has a solo this week called "Daisy Chain" based on the whole "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" flower thingy. Oh, and you have to be in love with the judges, NOT JUSTINE BEIBER. Poor Mackenzie. Maddie also has a solo this week, but it's going to be a recycled solo based on Helen Keller that I'm surely going to die laughing through, mostly because I'm a mature college student who's heard god knows how many Helen Keller jokes and whose father was involved with the play "The Miracle Worker" which he made fun of. She's going to need a rag doll for the number. Kelly gets all whiny again and says Maddie wasn't even supposed to have a solo last time and it's unfair treatment. Waah wah wah. The moms are dismissed and the team warms up.
However, Abby wants to have a little chat with Kelly first. In a nutshell, Abby states that SHE'S THE BOSS. We're treated to a lovely flashback from last week where Kelly acted like a responsible adult by flipping the birds and spewing profanities while Abby lives up to her great reputation and role model status by throwing a chair and stripping Paige of her solo. Abby whips out Kelly's contract, where she has highlighted the section where profanity or foul language by a dancer/parent risks expulsion. In layman's terms, screw up again and you're out of here. Kelly relays this to all of the moms and Holly pulls the "pish-posh" hand gesture. Go Holly!
It's 3 days before the competition (I'll bet) and Abby explains that this group dance is based off the idiom about being born with a spoon in your mouth. Just what is it with Abby's fascination with the rich all of a sudden? She states that they ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE to those two other teams (which remain nameless). As this goes on, the moms discuss Chloe's movie gate. Just why is she being punished THIS week when this occured two weeks ago? Besides, not only did Christi say she had a note, but stated on Twitter that the doctor ordered her to not dance that day. So propriety dictates that, rather than have her sit there until 10 PM doing nothing, she'll go to the movies. She's going to grow up to be pretty well adjusted. The moms accurately suspect Melissa the Snatch for tattling ON A TEN YEAR OLD. Christi says she'd rather have the snitchin' bitch come to her to discuss this than be a fucking tattle tale. They think Melissa's trying to get back on Abby's good side but Mel denies it. Christi brushes that off. Kelly then says that Melissa told her that Abby told Maddie that if her music skipped, just keep on dancing. Hmm... it seems Abby has some tricks up her sleeve that means CHEATING! This isn't what the moms want to teach their kids! Holly is aware that one of the moms is lying and, by process of elimination, it sure as hell isn't her. I mean, she's the tolerable mom who's the voice of reason that everyone likes. Melissa screeches that she would never cheat and conspire in sabotage. She then says that she'll ask Abby about it and tells us she isn't happy about this at all.
While this shitfest unfolds, let's check in on the duet, shall we? Titled "Inside of Me", Chloe pulls a cue from Fallguy Paige and says that she likes it but they only have three days to learn, clean, and perfect the whole thing. Abby stresses that it's about partner work, it's about trusting each other, it has to be technically correct. The way she speaks makes it seem like the girls want to murder each other but, in reality, I think the girls can handle it way better than what Jabba is letting on. Not even twelve seconds into rehearsal, Melissa bursts into the room demanding that she talk to Abby, apologizing for interrupting rehearsal (for the trillionth time) but she needs to speak with her NOW. Mel confessionalizes that she doesn't care that Maddie's mad at her for doing this. Wow, look at you, Mother of the Year.
Up in the Observe-Bitching Room, the moms eyeballs almost fall out of their heads as they watch Melissa screech to Abby about something contrived. The snatch wants to know if Abby cheated for Maddie. Nope. Why would Abby do something intentionally? It makes her look bad (not this show. Nope, no way)! Then there's griping about careers and reputations (which SURELY haven't been tarnished on this show) and not giving special treatment but, as always, my head spun. However, Abby does scream that Melissa should toughen up. Trust.
At the two day mark, Abby is still talking about the two teams that aren't mentioned. Maybe those teams were smart enough to come up with some stipulation to not be associated with this show. Still, WHO ARE THEY?! The girls rehearse Silver Spoons, which is a ballet piece, which of course means acro and some form of light movement. Paige's line this week is that she's nervous about the spoon (direct from Abby's personal kitchen?) and she hopes she doesn't drop it. Editing humors us by showing the spoon being dropped the next second. Nia also comments on the size of the spoon. It's a big spoon. BIIIIIG spoon. Even Abby doesn't like the spoon (she needs it to eat ice cream) so she's going to vie for a smaller one. In the meanwhile, the girls rehearse with a trophy.
Nia gets to rehearse her solo! Holly sees that it has a different kind of tone to it and it's much more mature than her previous solos so she's expecting something different. Abby tells us that it's the first solo she's given Nia since her bomb at Miami. She needs to prove that she's a competitor and that she has the stamina to do this. But why are the rest of the girls in there-- oh, yeah, Abby's a douche and probably going to make them judge her on her piece. Instead, they all applaud. Phew! Maddie goes in to rehearse her solo and she's brought two different dolls to work with. Abby goes with the (appropriate) rag doll over the cutesy one. Abby tells us that the doll is the most important part of the piece, but also one of the most difficult aspects. Since Abby thinks no one is aware of Helen Keller, she reminds us that she was deaf, dumb, and blind (and also the greatest answer in Apples to Apples). Since Maddie is portraying a blind chick, she has to be aware where the doll is while not physically looking at it. Maddie isn't nervous because she's good at playing parts (not to mention that she's done this solo before). Macks goes rehearse and Abby's nervous about if she'll mess up again. She tells us that she's keeping her fingers crossed or else mincemeat ("Mmmmmmmmmmm, mincemeat," she thought). Melissa hasn't done any bitching in the past 3 milliseconds so she says that Macks isn't ready. She needs two WEEKS, not two DAYS. I think Melissa needs to STFU.
Mel and Holly go to lunch since Mel knows that she can talk to Holly without screaming erupting. Holly, however, is resisting that urge because the latest fight the women are fighting this week is driving her insane. How I love Holly. She tells us that she only has the moms to trust for information since, well, Abby is kind of unreliable.
One day until the competition and the girls are rehearsing with a smaller spoon. Abby's not too thrilled with the smaller spoon. Act surprised. She has a lot to do today, which consists of running all the numbers and costume fittings, so she tries to speed things up by screaming. Holly mocks her in the booth by saying "SMILE! SMILE! SMILE WHILE I YELL AT YOU!" which immediately rocketed my love for her in this episode. Once again, they bring up the two mystery teams but for a different reason. Melissa is skeptical of the group routine this week because she knows that it would beat the Crapples (still not shown so far, thank god) but not so much for "two teams out to kill us". Indeed, snatch. Kelly says the kids don't know it, Holly says that she doesn't like it and Christi's worried that the spoon would look like a wand onstage (I'll get on that later). Lather, rinse, repeat.
Then it's costume time! Abby tells us that costumes make or break a performance. OH! So it's not thegymnastics dancing, it's the costumes! Silly me! Holly loves Nia's costume because it's not some sort of cutesy thing. I like it too but I'm noticing that lace tops are apparently a rising trend in the dance world. Maybe I should get one to fit in. Macks looks tres adorable in her daisy ensemble, naturally, but Abby notes that if she forgets AGAIN, cute can only take her so far. The group tries on their silver spoon dresses and I think they look lovely but Abby notices something's off with the colors. You see, two dresses are blue, two are pink, and only one is green. Because that was totally accidental. Seriously, what moron would do something like that? Unless they have no control over what colors come with what size, which I sort of doubt. Fallgal Paige is the one wearing the green but, because she's the fall gal, Abby finds this an issue because we can see she's been not-so-subtly hinting that she thinks Paige sucks. So she has Chloe wear the green dress since she starts the routine and is in the middle for the majority of it. Kelly's pissed this time because now Paige won't stick out and Melissa accurately notes that if Maddie wore the green dress, well shit, all hell would break loose. Paige is a bit upset over the change and I know the feeling all too well: To switch costumes so suddenly isn't the greatest feeling, especially when they fit perfectly. Now there's a new issue with the costumes that Abby doesn't care about. Paige's dress is too small on Chloe and Chloe's dress is too big on Paige. They bring the issue to Melissa in the booth who says she'll figure something out and Chloe thinks they should switch back. In a case of ultimate irony, Kelly says she's tired of complaining and vows to not fix the costumes. She then complains (that was quick) that Abby probably switched the costumes just to tick Kelly up. Kelly, STFU.
It's time for the competition and Abby checks out who's there and brings up the two teams for the trillionth time. WHO ARE THE FUCKING TEAMS?! The duet goes first and we're reminded that it's a difficult routine for them, level wise, so we know that this should be a piece of cake for them. Gia! escorts them to the stage and Chloe tells us she's nervous because of the competition but she's hoping for the best as always. Again, as always, it's Chloe's natural acting versus Maddie's goofy competition face but they manage to do extremely well so I'm not throwing my drink at the screen. Abby's impressed since they've never danced that well before and they were exquisite.
Group time sees more costume bashing. Kelly whines that Paige's costume is two sizes too big (even though it looks fine from my perspective. Of course, I always wear costumes that usually fit like tents so who am I to say anything) and that Abby is just trying to screw Paige over. As I roll my eyes, Kelly says that she's had it with Abby. Kelly's been saying that since the first episode. Anyway, the group goes and the spoon now has a bow on it (courtesy of Christi via her twitter). However, when I watched the piece in full on Youtube (did you really think I was going to take the show's version for granted? Ha!), I seriously thought the spoon was a bouquet of flowers and the girls were 1950's housewives. Or bridesmaids. Nevertheless, I thought the routine was pretty adorable. Abby, naturally, believes it's a winner, a breath of fresh air, and light and pretty.
Of course Abby's wrong and both the duet and group place second. Abby looks shocked but Christ is aware that this is a serious competition and substandard choreo like is basically setting them up to fail. The groups (which I assume are called Dance House and Karen's School of dance because, according to the results, they were the two that appeared the most often in the categories) basically came, saw crap, and conquered. Abby berates the girls for not behaving as they should at competitions and that they're a bit too comfortable with their one win. She begins to lose her shit and demands the best out of the solos. Holly is pleased with seconds, as she should be, and Christi clearly jokes about the skipped cd. Melissa pulls a cue from Phi Phi O'Hara (who I lovingly called Pheces O' Ptosis), sports a bitchface for the ages, and claims that she trusts Abby. You mean like how you trusted her when she said her mother was sick? Snatch.
Abby whines that the competition is a bust so far and I scream into a pillow. She states, "WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO LOSE." She rallies the three soloists and tells them to either win or lose big, to which Holly scoffs. Abby basically says Maddie better do well, Nia better do great and prays to god Macks doesn't forget her solo. Way to be a team player. She again reminds us that it's the first solo Nia's had since her Miami bomb. Abby helps Maddie get all dirtied up as Helen Keller while Kelly bitches that her kids never get special treatment from Abby. Like ever.
I think she's just pissed because she hasn't been drinking today.
Maddie's up first, wearing practically the same ensemble from her "Disappear" solo seasons ago, which I get that costumes are reused in the actual dance world, not this fabricated shit where everything seems so new and fresh like a cleansing spray. Ewwww... at least Maddie's bow isn't so fucked up this time. But I think the choreo is practically just the abused kid one recycled so it's a typical Fatty Lee Miller copyrighted routine. My dad thought it was stupid and I think she was way too observant as Helen Keller. Abby gushes that she did it perfectly. Whatever. Nia's up next and she does a pretty good job, for her. I say that because, on second viewing, it's the same old crap Abby throws at her and it's obvious it's watered down compared to any other solo we've seen from Chloe, Maddie, even Mackenzie. Abby's confidence in Nia is totally there when she says she did good, not great. Way to be. In the dressing room, Maddie gets a lukewarm response while Nia gets enthusiastic cheers from the girls. Holly is there to make me happy and says she's very proud of Nia doing such a fantastic job. She's definitely getting better and is glad Abby's noticing Nia more now. Did I mention I love Holly?
Macks is next to perform and Abby's not taking any chances. She's standing in the wings because Mackenzie has forgotten her solo TWICE (Really? When was the second time?) and left the stage early so if she does it again, Abby will be there to throw her back onstage. The editors reuse a Mackenzie clip saying Abby will yell at her if she forgets her solo and she's chatting with Gia! about how she doesn't get Abby's pyramid method. Gia! gives her a pep talk and away she goes. Macks is too adorable for her own good and doesn't have lipstick on her teeth, unlike Maddie Blanche DuBois watching in the audience. She does a great job but blows it for me by doing that stripper move when she exits the stage. Melissa cries and exclaims that it's the first time Macks made her cry. Oh, so she recognizes her as her daughter once again. I get it.
At awards, Macks gets first overall and Miss Energy petite. Yay! Melissa shows legitimate emotions for once. Nia places ninth and Maddie places fourth, which isn't all that bad. Not for Jabba the Lee, of course. She's only proud of Macks and leaves the dressing room with a confidence boosting, "I don't know what to think." Kelly hasn't complained in the past few minutes so she gets the mood killer ending edit. She follows Abby to give her a piece of her mind (what's left of it anyway), starting with Paige's dress issues. Abby won't have any of it and says that the dance is over, WHO CARES?! My, my, my, how the tables have turned. Whatever happened to criticizing their pieces after they're done? Oh, wait, they can't hear common sense because Abby's had enough and goes to berate the girls and how this is why they change routines and how the moms should go to Abby about bullshit from now on so she can tell them she doesn't care. Melissa is relieved that the CD thing is over and done with but we just know that it'll be brought up again three thousand more times in the future.
Next week on DANCE MOMS: The team goes to the largest competition in the United States, Big Pimpin' Payton is back, which means so is Madame Leslie Rose, who's still psychotic. Brooke brings up going to a formal dance at her school, Lifetime spoils that surprise A MONTH AGO, and I continue to search for lace tops.
The pyramid ceremony begins with Abby congratulation the kids on a great job last week and she's proud of him. Kelly, however, believes her kids will be on the bottom, and I called this and Maddie being on top the second last week's episode ended. Well, turns out I'm right so far: Brooke and Paige are not only on the bottom but are on probation, whatever that means. I'm sure there's some stipulations that come with it but, as far as I can tell, all they get is bottom status and no solo. Brooke says that it's not fair the two are on probation because they didn't do anything regarding the mature actions between JTL and Kelly last week. Kelly, who's beginning to get on my nerves, says that Abby's hurting her by putting her kids on probation and it's unfair treatment. She says in the studio that the kids weren't prepared. You know, if she didn't drag them out of rehearsals every time she has a screaming match with JTL, then maybe they WOULD be prepared. Abby says Kelly was out of control and used profanity in her studio. At least she didn't throw a chair.
Continuing with Pyramid nonsense, Chole's on the bottom, which Abby says it's because she missed class last time to go to the movies. Huh? Christi says that Chloe misses ONE class and boom, she's bottom material. In the middle is the dream team Mackenzie and Nia. Mackenzie did a good job but it wasn't her best and she needs more ballet classes. Because we all know how well ballet is used here based on the Joffrey audition. Nia worked well with Macks and, even though it seems kind of childish, she fully embraced her role. Holly knows that means a lot to Nia and she's proud of her kid. Squee!
This leaves Maddie Blanche DuBois on top, to the shock of no one. Called it. Abby says Maddie stuck out onstage and pushed on through the skipping music and the audience had her back. HOWEVER, Kelly says that it seems very suspicious how the music skipped in the first place, especially since Abby's been doing this for so long so she knows how to get pity from the audience.
The competition this week is another Energy dance competition, this time in Michigan. Gina, the president of this particular competition, told Abby that there's two studios competing that are hell bent on beating the team. And, since I went online to check the results of this competition beforehand (investigative journalism!), I'm extremely relieved that it's not the Crapples. The group dance this week is titled "Silver Spoons." Oh, like the sitcom? No, it's about the luxuries of life, the finest things, the pretty things, and the gals at the Country Club. Huh? Oh, and a giant spoon will be passed around the entire time. HUH? Maddie and Chloe will have a duet called "Inside of Me". They must work together, be a team, and all that crap but she makes it sound like the two girls want to murder each other. Maddie says that she and Chloe work very well together and they're great friends. I'm with Maddie so poo poo on you, overreacting Abby. Nia has a solo this week! Yay! It's titled "Bound" and it's about being held back. Uh, okay? Macks also has a solo this week called "Daisy Chain" based on the whole "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" flower thingy. Oh, and you have to be in love with the judges, NOT JUSTINE BEIBER. Poor Mackenzie. Maddie also has a solo this week, but it's going to be a recycled solo based on Helen Keller that I'm surely going to die laughing through, mostly because I'm a mature college student who's heard god knows how many Helen Keller jokes and whose father was involved with the play "The Miracle Worker" which he made fun of. She's going to need a rag doll for the number. Kelly gets all whiny again and says Maddie wasn't even supposed to have a solo last time and it's unfair treatment. Waah wah wah. The moms are dismissed and the team warms up.
However, Abby wants to have a little chat with Kelly first. In a nutshell, Abby states that SHE'S THE BOSS. We're treated to a lovely flashback from last week where Kelly acted like a responsible adult by flipping the birds and spewing profanities while Abby lives up to her great reputation and role model status by throwing a chair and stripping Paige of her solo. Abby whips out Kelly's contract, where she has highlighted the section where profanity or foul language by a dancer/parent risks expulsion. In layman's terms, screw up again and you're out of here. Kelly relays this to all of the moms and Holly pulls the "pish-posh" hand gesture. Go Holly!
It's 3 days before the competition (I'll bet) and Abby explains that this group dance is based off the idiom about being born with a spoon in your mouth. Just what is it with Abby's fascination with the rich all of a sudden? She states that they ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE to those two other teams (which remain nameless). As this goes on, the moms discuss Chloe's movie gate. Just why is she being punished THIS week when this occured two weeks ago? Besides, not only did Christi say she had a note, but stated on Twitter that the doctor ordered her to not dance that day. So propriety dictates that, rather than have her sit there until 10 PM doing nothing, she'll go to the movies. She's going to grow up to be pretty well adjusted. The moms accurately suspect Melissa the Snatch for tattling ON A TEN YEAR OLD. Christi says she'd rather have the snitchin' bitch come to her to discuss this than be a fucking tattle tale. They think Melissa's trying to get back on Abby's good side but Mel denies it. Christi brushes that off. Kelly then says that Melissa told her that Abby told Maddie that if her music skipped, just keep on dancing. Hmm... it seems Abby has some tricks up her sleeve that means CHEATING! This isn't what the moms want to teach their kids! Holly is aware that one of the moms is lying and, by process of elimination, it sure as hell isn't her. I mean, she's the tolerable mom who's the voice of reason that everyone likes. Melissa screeches that she would never cheat and conspire in sabotage. She then says that she'll ask Abby about it and tells us she isn't happy about this at all.
While this shitfest unfolds, let's check in on the duet, shall we? Titled "Inside of Me", Chloe pulls a cue from Fallguy Paige and says that she likes it but they only have three days to learn, clean, and perfect the whole thing. Abby stresses that it's about partner work, it's about trusting each other, it has to be technically correct. The way she speaks makes it seem like the girls want to murder each other but, in reality, I think the girls can handle it way better than what Jabba is letting on. Not even twelve seconds into rehearsal, Melissa bursts into the room demanding that she talk to Abby, apologizing for interrupting rehearsal (for the trillionth time) but she needs to speak with her NOW. Mel confessionalizes that she doesn't care that Maddie's mad at her for doing this. Wow, look at you, Mother of the Year.
Up in the Observe-Bitching Room, the moms eyeballs almost fall out of their heads as they watch Melissa screech to Abby about something contrived. The snatch wants to know if Abby cheated for Maddie. Nope. Why would Abby do something intentionally? It makes her look bad (not this show. Nope, no way)! Then there's griping about careers and reputations (which SURELY haven't been tarnished on this show) and not giving special treatment but, as always, my head spun. However, Abby does scream that Melissa should toughen up. Trust.
At the two day mark, Abby is still talking about the two teams that aren't mentioned. Maybe those teams were smart enough to come up with some stipulation to not be associated with this show. Still, WHO ARE THEY?! The girls rehearse Silver Spoons, which is a ballet piece, which of course means acro and some form of light movement. Paige's line this week is that she's nervous about the spoon (direct from Abby's personal kitchen?) and she hopes she doesn't drop it. Editing humors us by showing the spoon being dropped the next second. Nia also comments on the size of the spoon. It's a big spoon. BIIIIIG spoon. Even Abby doesn't like the spoon (she needs it to eat ice cream) so she's going to vie for a smaller one. In the meanwhile, the girls rehearse with a trophy.
Nia gets to rehearse her solo! Holly sees that it has a different kind of tone to it and it's much more mature than her previous solos so she's expecting something different. Abby tells us that it's the first solo she's given Nia since her bomb at Miami. She needs to prove that she's a competitor and that she has the stamina to do this. But why are the rest of the girls in there-- oh, yeah, Abby's a douche and probably going to make them judge her on her piece. Instead, they all applaud. Phew! Maddie goes in to rehearse her solo and she's brought two different dolls to work with. Abby goes with the (appropriate) rag doll over the cutesy one. Abby tells us that the doll is the most important part of the piece, but also one of the most difficult aspects. Since Abby thinks no one is aware of Helen Keller, she reminds us that she was deaf, dumb, and blind (and also the greatest answer in Apples to Apples). Since Maddie is portraying a blind chick, she has to be aware where the doll is while not physically looking at it. Maddie isn't nervous because she's good at playing parts (not to mention that she's done this solo before). Macks goes rehearse and Abby's nervous about if she'll mess up again. She tells us that she's keeping her fingers crossed or else mincemeat ("Mmmmmmmmmmm, mincemeat," she thought). Melissa hasn't done any bitching in the past 3 milliseconds so she says that Macks isn't ready. She needs two WEEKS, not two DAYS. I think Melissa needs to STFU.
Mel and Holly go to lunch since Mel knows that she can talk to Holly without screaming erupting. Holly, however, is resisting that urge because the latest fight the women are fighting this week is driving her insane. How I love Holly. She tells us that she only has the moms to trust for information since, well, Abby is kind of unreliable.
One day until the competition and the girls are rehearsing with a smaller spoon. Abby's not too thrilled with the smaller spoon. Act surprised. She has a lot to do today, which consists of running all the numbers and costume fittings, so she tries to speed things up by screaming. Holly mocks her in the booth by saying "SMILE! SMILE! SMILE WHILE I YELL AT YOU!" which immediately rocketed my love for her in this episode. Once again, they bring up the two mystery teams but for a different reason. Melissa is skeptical of the group routine this week because she knows that it would beat the Crapples (still not shown so far, thank god) but not so much for "two teams out to kill us". Indeed, snatch. Kelly says the kids don't know it, Holly says that she doesn't like it and Christi's worried that the spoon would look like a wand onstage (I'll get on that later). Lather, rinse, repeat.
Then it's costume time! Abby tells us that costumes make or break a performance. OH! So it's not the
It's time for the competition and Abby checks out who's there and brings up the two teams for the trillionth time. WHO ARE THE FUCKING TEAMS?! The duet goes first and we're reminded that it's a difficult routine for them, level wise, so we know that this should be a piece of cake for them. Gia! escorts them to the stage and Chloe tells us she's nervous because of the competition but she's hoping for the best as always. Again, as always, it's Chloe's natural acting versus Maddie's goofy competition face but they manage to do extremely well so I'm not throwing my drink at the screen. Abby's impressed since they've never danced that well before and they were exquisite.
Group time sees more costume bashing. Kelly whines that Paige's costume is two sizes too big (even though it looks fine from my perspective. Of course, I always wear costumes that usually fit like tents so who am I to say anything) and that Abby is just trying to screw Paige over. As I roll my eyes, Kelly says that she's had it with Abby. Kelly's been saying that since the first episode. Anyway, the group goes and the spoon now has a bow on it (courtesy of Christi via her twitter). However, when I watched the piece in full on Youtube (did you really think I was going to take the show's version for granted? Ha!), I seriously thought the spoon was a bouquet of flowers and the girls were 1950's housewives. Or bridesmaids. Nevertheless, I thought the routine was pretty adorable. Abby, naturally, believes it's a winner, a breath of fresh air, and light and pretty.
Of course Abby's wrong and both the duet and group place second. Abby looks shocked but Christ is aware that this is a serious competition and substandard choreo like is basically setting them up to fail. The groups (which I assume are called Dance House and Karen's School of dance because, according to the results, they were the two that appeared the most often in the categories) basically came, saw crap, and conquered. Abby berates the girls for not behaving as they should at competitions and that they're a bit too comfortable with their one win. She begins to lose her shit and demands the best out of the solos. Holly is pleased with seconds, as she should be, and Christi clearly jokes about the skipped cd. Melissa pulls a cue from Phi Phi O'Hara (who I lovingly called Pheces O' Ptosis), sports a bitchface for the ages, and claims that she trusts Abby. You mean like how you trusted her when she said her mother was sick? Snatch.
Abby whines that the competition is a bust so far and I scream into a pillow. She states, "WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO LOSE." She rallies the three soloists and tells them to either win or lose big, to which Holly scoffs. Abby basically says Maddie better do well, Nia better do great and prays to god Macks doesn't forget her solo. Way to be a team player. She again reminds us that it's the first solo Nia's had since her Miami bomb. Abby helps Maddie get all dirtied up as Helen Keller while Kelly bitches that her kids never get special treatment from Abby. Like ever.
 |
| She considers this torture, not treatment. |
I think she's just pissed because she hasn't been drinking today.
Maddie's up first, wearing practically the same ensemble from her "Disappear" solo seasons ago, which I get that costumes are reused in the actual dance world, not this fabricated shit where everything seems so new and fresh like a cleansing spray. Ewwww... at least Maddie's bow isn't so fucked up this time. But I think the choreo is practically just the abused kid one recycled so it's a typical Fatty Lee Miller copyrighted routine. My dad thought it was stupid and I think she was way too observant as Helen Keller. Abby gushes that she did it perfectly. Whatever. Nia's up next and she does a pretty good job, for her. I say that because, on second viewing, it's the same old crap Abby throws at her and it's obvious it's watered down compared to any other solo we've seen from Chloe, Maddie, even Mackenzie. Abby's confidence in Nia is totally there when she says she did good, not great. Way to be. In the dressing room, Maddie gets a lukewarm response while Nia gets enthusiastic cheers from the girls. Holly is there to make me happy and says she's very proud of Nia doing such a fantastic job. She's definitely getting better and is glad Abby's noticing Nia more now. Did I mention I love Holly?
Macks is next to perform and Abby's not taking any chances. She's standing in the wings because Mackenzie has forgotten her solo TWICE (Really? When was the second time?) and left the stage early so if she does it again, Abby will be there to throw her back onstage. The editors reuse a Mackenzie clip saying Abby will yell at her if she forgets her solo and she's chatting with Gia! about how she doesn't get Abby's pyramid method. Gia! gives her a pep talk and away she goes. Macks is too adorable for her own good and doesn't have lipstick on her teeth, unlike Maddie Blanche DuBois watching in the audience. She does a great job but blows it for me by doing that stripper move when she exits the stage. Melissa cries and exclaims that it's the first time Macks made her cry. Oh, so she recognizes her as her daughter once again. I get it.
At awards, Macks gets first overall and Miss Energy petite. Yay! Melissa shows legitimate emotions for once. Nia places ninth and Maddie places fourth, which isn't all that bad. Not for Jabba the Lee, of course. She's only proud of Macks and leaves the dressing room with a confidence boosting, "I don't know what to think." Kelly hasn't complained in the past few minutes so she gets the mood killer ending edit. She follows Abby to give her a piece of her mind (what's left of it anyway), starting with Paige's dress issues. Abby won't have any of it and says that the dance is over, WHO CARES?! My, my, my, how the tables have turned. Whatever happened to criticizing their pieces after they're done? Oh, wait, they can't hear common sense because Abby's had enough and goes to berate the girls and how this is why they change routines and how the moms should go to Abby about bullshit from now on so she can tell them she doesn't care. Melissa is relieved that the CD thing is over and done with but we just know that it'll be brought up again three thousand more times in the future.
Next week on DANCE MOMS: The team goes to the largest competition in the United States, Big Pimpin' Payton is back, which means so is Madame Leslie Rose, who's still psychotic. Brooke brings up going to a formal dance at her school, Lifetime spoils that surprise A MONTH AGO, and I continue to search for lace tops.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Dance Moms: Snatch Attack
Last time on DANCE MOMS: Abby went on the defensive by screaming, Maddie Blanche DuBois' solo "accidentally" was left listed, Chloe has the weight of the world on her shoulders, the team does a Meh job at Nexstar, Busted Foot Taylor loses the boot, Vivi drank, and my head spun in confusion.
The girls walk into the room the same way anyone would expect at this place: sluggish with complete dread. And Abby wastes no time calling them out on that, calling them sluggish (duh), boring, and slobs. SHE WANTS ENERGY! SHE WANTS EXCITEMENT! Lady, there's no way you're getting any of that from these girls who are ready to go deaf from hearing you scream.
Let's move on to the pyramid, starting with Maddie directly at the bottom, first picture revealed. Melissa the Snatch feels that Maddie Blanche DuBois shouldn't be on the bottom, but then again she also probably believes that the world revolves around her 9 year old so let's not waste any more time on her, shall we? Basically, she could've done her solo but blew it and cried in the audience. Maddie honestly confessionalizes that she didn't want to let Abby down but she did and now probably feels even WORSE that before. As much as I can't stand her, I really pitied her slightly. Dear god, what's wrong with me? Anyhoo, Mackenzie is next because Abby gave her a winning number (debatable), but only tenth? Hey, Abby, didn't you say she won an overall score last time? Paige the Fall Guy rounds out the bottom because she forgot a step and because she's Paige, the Fall Guy.
In the middle, we've got Brooding Brooke because she was practically trained to give half-assed expressions that Abby wants to be genuine. Puh-lease. Abby wants her to stop focusing so much on the steps and more on her emotions. Nia is next because she's a good kid and Abby respects her responsibility as a dancer. Nia didn't talk to loudly and basically was a good noodle. Speaking of good noodles, Chloe's on top for a second week in a row! She did a great solo BUT (natch) Abby wants MOOOOOOOOOOORE from her. Ugh. Oh, and she wants to win again. Abby, that is.
This week, the team is going to Energy dance competition in Chicago. Last time they went, they didn't do so well and I got very confused very fast that time. If you don't remember, they did the plastic surgery freakshow piece there and lost out to the Dance Moms Miami team. Chloe forgot a little bit of her solo and placed fifth, losing out to Kimmy of DMM, who lost to Maddie, who placed first. And, to make sure they weren't making shit up, I looked at the results online and discovered that there's an Energy division and a Power division. Anyway, pretty sure this is that same competition. For the dances this time around, the dream team of Nia and Mackenzie (yyyyyeeeeessss!) will be doing a duet and Chloe, Brooke, and Paige will all be doing solos. Abby is quick to point out that, oh no, this isn't a reward for Paige. This is just a solo. Good god, woman! She also points out that Chloe missed a class last time so, in reality, she shouldn't be getting a solo. Christi points out that Chloe had a doctor's appointment that day but Abby demands a doctor's note. Christi says she has one and all is put to rest.
Because they're slovenly, Abby almost didn't want to do a group number this time. Instead, she was inspired to create a zombie inspired piece. Handy! Oh, and Holly? Since you've taken a leave of absence, you'll be doing designing the costumes. RECORD SCRATCH. As we remember from last time, Holly doesn't have much experience with costumes so this might be a challenge for her. And away we go to see them rehearse.
Gee, I never knew zombies could do acrobatics. Normally, they fall apart with one step and a good bash to the head. Abby laments that the girls have got to get it together. They start out the piece as statue busts and, while I think the idea is cool and everything, just how exactly do statue busts and zombies go together? I think Abby is ripping off the Statue piece and Ramalama from SYTYCD and putting them together. Melissa whines about Maddie being unprepared (or Maddie confessionalizes it, I forget which) and our Observe-Bitching room starts off with Kelly asking Melissa if she thinks Maddie's at the bottom because of her. Melissa tries to brush that off in a way similar to Phi Phi O'Hara (lovingly called Pheces O'Ptosis by yours truly) by saying "Nah, everything's fine. She [Abby] doesn't need me anymore." Why do you say that, Mel? She tells us she's no longer working the front desk anymore and found a replacement for her. She misses it, for no apparent reason mentions that she gets emails about it, but she doesn't have the time for it now. Uh, you spend god knows how long in a room of gloom watching your kids dance, what else are you doing? Nevertheless, Kelly isn't buying it. Christi notes that since Melissa "retired" because she wasn't needed anymore, that friend bond with her and Abby is now broken. Melissa has no idea how much her ass is going to be handed to her and I can't wait.
Let's look in at Paige the Fall Guy and her solo. Abby lets us know that, unlike the other 734 pieces they've done on this show, this number was choreographed a year ago but they never got around to finishing it and, as a result, it has never been performed. Paige tells us that it has a little bit of everything in it but, of course, no Paige interview is complete without her telling us that she likes the damn number. Brooke is next to rehearse and, guess what, her legs are over her head 78% of the time. Shocker. Abby says Brooke has her work cut out for her this time, saying that this number will be tough and that she's going to need a lot of stamina for it. It's called "Paint the Picture" and the imagery Abby uses to describe it is that Brooke basically paints pictures with her body and I immediately couldn't wait to see this (how crushed I'll be later in the episode). She tells her to that she wants to meet with Kelly. Because this brings up all sorts of fun. Kelly, Paige has a prop in this dance. It's a chair. She needs it painted black and have stoppers on the bottom so it doesn't slip. Okay. Oh, and about Brooke's voice lessons. Abby wants Brooke to take them HERE at the DANCE studio from now on. Since when did Abby have kids singing at her studio?! I am so lost. Anyway, Abby says that, in Brooke's contract, SHE is the manager (I'm calling bull on that). Kelly says that of course you manage her in DANCE. Abby doesn't think Kelly knows what she's doing. But, if she asks Brooke to sing, she better SING.
Sometime later, Melissa pulls Abby to the side for a little talk, since she has to work extra hard to be a suck up. Since losing her job at the front desk, and because Maddie hasn't been doing solos lately, Maddie hasn't had any private sessions with Abby and Melissa wants the best for her because Melissa is a snatch. Abby, on the other hand, is a little hesitant about it because she doesn't have enough time but manages to squeeze in an hour for Maddie. However, she has an ulterior motive: Abby wants to know things from Maddie's perspective. Clever.
Macks and Nia rehearse their duet titled "Circus, Circus". It's an acro routine (what else?) that Macks is excited over and Nia loves because, hey, she loves the circus! The theme is that Mackenzie is the lion and Nia is the lion tamer. We don't spend too much time with them because I'm guessing since they work pretty well together (as evidenced from the first season when they wiped the floor with Vivi and Justice), they'll be just fine. Let's move on to the random story of the night which is Brooke's singing lesson. Brooke tells us that Abby is MAKING her go to the studio's voice teacher, who, coincidentally, is named Cathy and could be mistaken for another Abby. Apparently, Jabba the Lee asked Kelly/Brooke 20 TIMES in the past month to take voice lessons here. At the DANCE studio. Because that makes perfect sense. So, how are we doing, says an eerily calm Abby. Pretty good, says Cathy. Brooke's even wrote a little diddy! Let's hear it! Brooke has a pretty good voice. A little pop-esque for my taste but still. Abby, again, let's us know that she doesn't want Kelly to ruin Brooke. And what about you-- oh, wait, she went back into the studio.
It's time now to check in on Holly's costume challenge and she's taking no prisoners about this. Holly believes that Abby's doing this because she thinks she's going to fail, and that's satisfaction Holly flat out refuses to give Abby. She's more than prepared by coming in with the basics, photo references, details, and the other moms to help give them that destroyed look. Christi says that they'll breathe life into the dance. Irony! They're doing a great job so far and it's so nice to see the moms like this. To up the ante, they take the costumes outside to destroy them by giving them grass stains, to which Kelly attacks with gusto. The moms note that this is kind of like therapy for Kelly by venting her anger towards Abby towards the costume. This whole scene is making me laugh and grateful I'm watching this sober.
Kidding! I wouldn't drink every Tuesday. Not yet anyway. Wine ain't cheap you know.
More rehearsals ensue while Kelly quickly colors the chair Paige is using with black marker. She tells us that she was so wrapped up with the costumes and other things that she kind of forgot about the chair. Hey, accidents happen. After yelling at the girls about being boring, yawning, sloppy, and lazy (such encouragement), Abby asks Paige to get the chair for her solo. Paige looks terrified when she enters the room. Abby notices that it has been colored with marker, already knows Kelly forgot the damn chair, but flips out over how it doesn't have stoppers. Like a mature adult, she tosses the chair across the room, and like another mature adult, Kelly flips the bird. In a moment of bipolar behavior, Abby calmly asks Paige about how her mother embarrasses her and Paige has a look on her face that reads, "WTF?" Paige begins to cry and Kelly begins to accuse Abby of punishing Paige. She charges down into the room, curses up a storm, and tells her kids to get out of them, threatening to take their solos away. Meanwhile, Christi comforts Paige, who is sobbing, and Holly evacuates the children into the hall while the showdown continues. Then Kelly screams how she's been working all day and all Abby's done is gone down and EAT all day. "STOP EATING! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAT!!!" she shrieks. This is how eating disorders start but okay. Abby confessional- "She was a mean girl at 12, she's a mean girl now." Kelly storms out of the studio with her kids, viciously telling the new desk clerk to credit the rest of her tuition. Christi escorts them out the door with a face of pure befuddlement.
Yikes.
It's a new day and the team arrives to rehearse. Kelly pulls the ole "I'm doing this for my kids" standby but her battle plan for today is to stay OUT of the studio. Good plan. Melissa and Holly escort the kids inside and comment on how gorgeous the day is as Abby bellows at the kids to get in the room. It's such a good day that the moms are going to work on the costumes outside. This includes spray painting tutus. They look like they're having a lot of fun, despite the environment hazards. Then again, this isn't "Greenpeace Moms". Oh, and I spotted Gia! for a second so all was good.
Time for Chloe to rehearse her solo, which Abby describes as avant-garde and a good number. Chloe finds the number darker and more mysterious than other numbers. She also feels great being on top again but, again, finds a lot of pressure from Abby. Drink! Outside (I think) Holly comments that she's glad to see Kelly back. She feels confident about the costumes and thinks that this is the best team ever. I love Holly when she's giddy.
Later, Maddie Blanche DuBois has her technique private with Abby. As she's chatting with Maddie over solo-bomb, Melissa, for no reason, decides to come into the room. Abby's humanity returns as she knows that Melissa can't stand it when Maddie isn't the center of attention. Melissa loves Abby because she's never had a dance teacher like her before. Abby still doesn't see the same Maddie in the past. Melissa starts to cry and Maddie, frustrated and embarrassed, tells her mom to not cry. She doesn't so Maddie, in a brief moment of likability, rolls her eyes and bolt out of the room. Smart thinking, kiddo. Then Melissa falls even further from grace by being a tattle tale, not only snitching on the moms but on Chloe! You thought KELLY was a mean girl?
Abby's common sense kicks in and tells Melissa to not worry about the moms. Shame this won't work on Melissa.
It's time for the competition complete with the bus! Abby sees that Kelly isn't on the bus. Hallelu! After some bus driver yelling, they arrive in the Windy City. But wait! The Hylands aren't here yet! PAIGE GOES ON IN 20 MINUTES (I'm sure). Christi hasn't had the opportunity to speak with Kelly. However, Melissa sees and opening, drags Maddie into a bathroom to force her to suck up to Abby and ask to do the freakin' solo. During this, I was chatting with a friend and we came to the conclusion that Melissa pisses everyone off-- even her own children! Seriously, this snatch is so evil. However, in Maddie's words, it's not force, it's ENCOURAGEMENT. Right. Anyway, Maddie asks Abby to come out into the hallway to talk. Because 9 year olds do things like this. Abby is "impressed" by Maddie's maturity, but sees right through her solo-wanting. Abby thinks it's wishy washy and this isn't how Maddie would approach the task. Out of the blue (or she was hiding the whole time behind a column. Who knows?), Melissa charges in but Abby stops her in her tracks. She has no interest with Snatch-bullshit and tells Maddie to stop crying. Oh, goody, she's with officials to tell them of her situation with the Hyland sisters and sees if they can work in Maddie.
In the green room, guess what? Maddie's doing a solo. Christi's quip- "Par for the course." Ugh. Kelly finally enters in an elegant dress that... is not flattering on her. Abby almost has a stroke. Holly reminds us of the long history between Abby and Kelly (Kelly danced with the ALDC back as a kid) and how that long history has lead to heavy tension. Paige rehearses her solo but Kelly's pissed (drink!) that Abby isn't paying attention (drink!). She whines about how Abby doesn't bother looking up from her laptop but at this point, I so don't care. Kelly's head nearly explodes upon the discovery that Maddie is, in fact, doing her solo. She's even more pissed now because, allegedly, Abby didn't spend as much time with her kids this week as she did with the others. Well, maybe if you didn't pull them out of rehearsal early... So she pulls their solos at the last minute. Shocker. They wait in the green room but, the way they're positioned, it looks like they're in a bomb shelter in WWII. Abby, as always, is worried about how the judges are going to believe that she's a jerk. And this show won't? Oh, and that it's unprofessional, but that's a big duh-huh.
With Paige and Brooke not doing shit (and, subsequently, landing at the bottom of the pyramid due to Kelly's actions, which she'll probably rant about next time), Chloe goes to perform in some weird hairdo. This time around, she's really sharp in her movements and Christi believes she owns the stage. Agreed. Chloe tells us that, this time, she didn't second guess herself and that she'll try to do that from now on. Team Chloe!
Maddie is next and she's nervous about bombing AGAIN. Eh, from my point of view, it looks kind of meh-ish. And blah. And then her music skips. Oh good gravy. This solo is cursed. Abby says her heart just jumped into her throat (nah, that could be a ham sandwich. ZING!) when, WAIT, what's this? Maddie's still dancing! As much as I'm going to regret saying this but, go kiddo! As everyone gives a standing ovation, Melissa the Snatch says that Maddie handled herself like a pro. So I'm guessing this might rocket her back up to the top of the pyramid. Oye.
Time for the solo awards. Chloe gets third and Maddie gets second. Christi is pissed, and all returns to the standard format of this show.
Because of the whole "Mom screwed us over" gate, Kelly's plagued with letting her kids dance in the group number. She says that she's not supporting Abby as a teacher but she's teaching her kids a lesson in teamwork and to never let a group down. Yawn. Holly tells us she's supporting Kelly as a friend and Kelly cries. I swear, Kelly's bipolar. However, Kelly is aware that if she does pull her kids from the group, it'll just lead to an even bigger fight.
Nia and Macks (sounds like a kid's show) dance "Circus, Circus" and it's the most ridiculously adorable number I have ever seen. And they're fantastic. Nia is proud that they managed to pull it off in 3 days. Afterwards, Kelly is still acting like a pisswad and then decides that she's going to let her kids dance. Then it's time to zombie-fy the girls. Abby walks in and is completely impressed by everything, from the costumes to the make-up to Holly stirring blood in a cup. Holly believed that Abby expected her to fail but, in the end, she took her by surprise. TEAM HOLLY! While Abby moans about not being in the top 5, the girls go and dance. The female judge gives "I LOVE IT" faces, as do I, though I think I saw Paige screw up, again. But it could be part of the dance, who knows at this point. Holly enjoyed it and thought it was excellent. Agreed.
Now it's time for the group awards. To the shock of no one, the duet wins! Holly is thrilled! Macks does a roar and I die of adorableness! And the group? FIRST! They're back on top, much to Abby's relief. In the dressing room celebration, Abby congratulates the team for the win and Holly for the costuming. But this show never ends on a happy note, so let's zoom over to Kelly. The kids go wash off all the gunk on their bodies as Abby talks with Kelly. And by "talk", I mean, "argue". And by "argue", I mean, "scream random bullshit." Kelly accuses Abby of mismanaging time, Abby has no idea what's she's talking about, and, for no reason, brings up an incident from the past when Kelly's husband accidentally ran the foot of one of the girls and how she was the first one at the hospital. Uh, what about the dad? Who cares! It's finally over!
Next week on Dance Moms- More screaming. Kelly's contract with the company is brought out, Mackenzie struggles, Melissa whines some more and there's dancing involved somewhere.
The girls walk into the room the same way anyone would expect at this place: sluggish with complete dread. And Abby wastes no time calling them out on that, calling them sluggish (duh), boring, and slobs. SHE WANTS ENERGY! SHE WANTS EXCITEMENT! Lady, there's no way you're getting any of that from these girls who are ready to go deaf from hearing you scream.
Let's move on to the pyramid, starting with Maddie directly at the bottom, first picture revealed. Melissa the Snatch feels that Maddie Blanche DuBois shouldn't be on the bottom, but then again she also probably believes that the world revolves around her 9 year old so let's not waste any more time on her, shall we? Basically, she could've done her solo but blew it and cried in the audience. Maddie honestly confessionalizes that she didn't want to let Abby down but she did and now probably feels even WORSE that before. As much as I can't stand her, I really pitied her slightly. Dear god, what's wrong with me? Anyhoo, Mackenzie is next because Abby gave her a winning number (debatable), but only tenth? Hey, Abby, didn't you say she won an overall score last time? Paige the Fall Guy rounds out the bottom because she forgot a step and because she's Paige, the Fall Guy.
In the middle, we've got Brooding Brooke because she was practically trained to give half-assed expressions that Abby wants to be genuine. Puh-lease. Abby wants her to stop focusing so much on the steps and more on her emotions. Nia is next because she's a good kid and Abby respects her responsibility as a dancer. Nia didn't talk to loudly and basically was a good noodle. Speaking of good noodles, Chloe's on top for a second week in a row! She did a great solo BUT (natch) Abby wants MOOOOOOOOOOORE from her. Ugh. Oh, and she wants to win again. Abby, that is.
This week, the team is going to Energy dance competition in Chicago. Last time they went, they didn't do so well and I got very confused very fast that time. If you don't remember, they did the plastic surgery freakshow piece there and lost out to the Dance Moms Miami team. Chloe forgot a little bit of her solo and placed fifth, losing out to Kimmy of DMM, who lost to Maddie, who placed first. And, to make sure they weren't making shit up, I looked at the results online and discovered that there's an Energy division and a Power division. Anyway, pretty sure this is that same competition. For the dances this time around, the dream team of Nia and Mackenzie (yyyyyeeeeessss!) will be doing a duet and Chloe, Brooke, and Paige will all be doing solos. Abby is quick to point out that, oh no, this isn't a reward for Paige. This is just a solo. Good god, woman! She also points out that Chloe missed a class last time so, in reality, she shouldn't be getting a solo. Christi points out that Chloe had a doctor's appointment that day but Abby demands a doctor's note. Christi says she has one and all is put to rest.
Because they're slovenly, Abby almost didn't want to do a group number this time. Instead, she was inspired to create a zombie inspired piece. Handy! Oh, and Holly? Since you've taken a leave of absence, you'll be doing designing the costumes. RECORD SCRATCH. As we remember from last time, Holly doesn't have much experience with costumes so this might be a challenge for her. And away we go to see them rehearse.
Gee, I never knew zombies could do acrobatics. Normally, they fall apart with one step and a good bash to the head. Abby laments that the girls have got to get it together. They start out the piece as statue busts and, while I think the idea is cool and everything, just how exactly do statue busts and zombies go together? I think Abby is ripping off the Statue piece and Ramalama from SYTYCD and putting them together. Melissa whines about Maddie being unprepared (or Maddie confessionalizes it, I forget which) and our Observe-Bitching room starts off with Kelly asking Melissa if she thinks Maddie's at the bottom because of her. Melissa tries to brush that off in a way similar to Phi Phi O'Hara (lovingly called Pheces O'Ptosis by yours truly) by saying "Nah, everything's fine. She [Abby] doesn't need me anymore." Why do you say that, Mel? She tells us she's no longer working the front desk anymore and found a replacement for her. She misses it, for no apparent reason mentions that she gets emails about it, but she doesn't have the time for it now. Uh, you spend god knows how long in a room of gloom watching your kids dance, what else are you doing? Nevertheless, Kelly isn't buying it. Christi notes that since Melissa "retired" because she wasn't needed anymore, that friend bond with her and Abby is now broken. Melissa has no idea how much her ass is going to be handed to her and I can't wait.
Let's look in at Paige the Fall Guy and her solo. Abby lets us know that, unlike the other 734 pieces they've done on this show, this number was choreographed a year ago but they never got around to finishing it and, as a result, it has never been performed. Paige tells us that it has a little bit of everything in it but, of course, no Paige interview is complete without her telling us that she likes the damn number. Brooke is next to rehearse and, guess what, her legs are over her head 78% of the time. Shocker. Abby says Brooke has her work cut out for her this time, saying that this number will be tough and that she's going to need a lot of stamina for it. It's called "Paint the Picture" and the imagery Abby uses to describe it is that Brooke basically paints pictures with her body and I immediately couldn't wait to see this (how crushed I'll be later in the episode). She tells her to that she wants to meet with Kelly. Because this brings up all sorts of fun. Kelly, Paige has a prop in this dance. It's a chair. She needs it painted black and have stoppers on the bottom so it doesn't slip. Okay. Oh, and about Brooke's voice lessons. Abby wants Brooke to take them HERE at the DANCE studio from now on. Since when did Abby have kids singing at her studio?! I am so lost. Anyway, Abby says that, in Brooke's contract, SHE is the manager (I'm calling bull on that). Kelly says that of course you manage her in DANCE. Abby doesn't think Kelly knows what she's doing. But, if she asks Brooke to sing, she better SING.
Sometime later, Melissa pulls Abby to the side for a little talk, since she has to work extra hard to be a suck up. Since losing her job at the front desk, and because Maddie hasn't been doing solos lately, Maddie hasn't had any private sessions with Abby and Melissa wants the best for her because Melissa is a snatch. Abby, on the other hand, is a little hesitant about it because she doesn't have enough time but manages to squeeze in an hour for Maddie. However, she has an ulterior motive: Abby wants to know things from Maddie's perspective. Clever.
Macks and Nia rehearse their duet titled "Circus, Circus". It's an acro routine (what else?) that Macks is excited over and Nia loves because, hey, she loves the circus! The theme is that Mackenzie is the lion and Nia is the lion tamer. We don't spend too much time with them because I'm guessing since they work pretty well together (as evidenced from the first season when they wiped the floor with Vivi and Justice), they'll be just fine. Let's move on to the random story of the night which is Brooke's singing lesson. Brooke tells us that Abby is MAKING her go to the studio's voice teacher, who, coincidentally, is named Cathy and could be mistaken for another Abby. Apparently, Jabba the Lee asked Kelly/Brooke 20 TIMES in the past month to take voice lessons here. At the DANCE studio. Because that makes perfect sense. So, how are we doing, says an eerily calm Abby. Pretty good, says Cathy. Brooke's even wrote a little diddy! Let's hear it! Brooke has a pretty good voice. A little pop-esque for my taste but still. Abby, again, let's us know that she doesn't want Kelly to ruin Brooke. And what about you-- oh, wait, she went back into the studio.
It's time now to check in on Holly's costume challenge and she's taking no prisoners about this. Holly believes that Abby's doing this because she thinks she's going to fail, and that's satisfaction Holly flat out refuses to give Abby. She's more than prepared by coming in with the basics, photo references, details, and the other moms to help give them that destroyed look. Christi says that they'll breathe life into the dance. Irony! They're doing a great job so far and it's so nice to see the moms like this. To up the ante, they take the costumes outside to destroy them by giving them grass stains, to which Kelly attacks with gusto. The moms note that this is kind of like therapy for Kelly by venting her anger towards Abby towards the costume. This whole scene is making me laugh and grateful I'm watching this sober.
Kidding! I wouldn't drink every Tuesday. Not yet anyway. Wine ain't cheap you know.
More rehearsals ensue while Kelly quickly colors the chair Paige is using with black marker. She tells us that she was so wrapped up with the costumes and other things that she kind of forgot about the chair. Hey, accidents happen. After yelling at the girls about being boring, yawning, sloppy, and lazy (such encouragement), Abby asks Paige to get the chair for her solo. Paige looks terrified when she enters the room. Abby notices that it has been colored with marker, already knows Kelly forgot the damn chair, but flips out over how it doesn't have stoppers. Like a mature adult, she tosses the chair across the room, and like another mature adult, Kelly flips the bird. In a moment of bipolar behavior, Abby calmly asks Paige about how her mother embarrasses her and Paige has a look on her face that reads, "WTF?" Paige begins to cry and Kelly begins to accuse Abby of punishing Paige. She charges down into the room, curses up a storm, and tells her kids to get out of them, threatening to take their solos away. Meanwhile, Christi comforts Paige, who is sobbing, and Holly evacuates the children into the hall while the showdown continues. Then Kelly screams how she's been working all day and all Abby's done is gone down and EAT all day. "STOP EATING! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE FAT!!!" she shrieks. This is how eating disorders start but okay. Abby confessional- "She was a mean girl at 12, she's a mean girl now." Kelly storms out of the studio with her kids, viciously telling the new desk clerk to credit the rest of her tuition. Christi escorts them out the door with a face of pure befuddlement.
Yikes.
It's a new day and the team arrives to rehearse. Kelly pulls the ole "I'm doing this for my kids" standby but her battle plan for today is to stay OUT of the studio. Good plan. Melissa and Holly escort the kids inside and comment on how gorgeous the day is as Abby bellows at the kids to get in the room. It's such a good day that the moms are going to work on the costumes outside. This includes spray painting tutus. They look like they're having a lot of fun, despite the environment hazards. Then again, this isn't "Greenpeace Moms". Oh, and I spotted Gia! for a second so all was good.
Time for Chloe to rehearse her solo, which Abby describes as avant-garde and a good number. Chloe finds the number darker and more mysterious than other numbers. She also feels great being on top again but, again, finds a lot of pressure from Abby. Drink! Outside (I think) Holly comments that she's glad to see Kelly back. She feels confident about the costumes and thinks that this is the best team ever. I love Holly when she's giddy.
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| Right on the nose. Also, remember when Lindsay was more popular than the blondes? |
Abby's common sense kicks in and tells Melissa to not worry about the moms. Shame this won't work on Melissa.
It's time for the competition complete with the bus! Abby sees that Kelly isn't on the bus. Hallelu! After some bus driver yelling, they arrive in the Windy City. But wait! The Hylands aren't here yet! PAIGE GOES ON IN 20 MINUTES (I'm sure). Christi hasn't had the opportunity to speak with Kelly. However, Melissa sees and opening, drags Maddie into a bathroom to force her to suck up to Abby and ask to do the freakin' solo. During this, I was chatting with a friend and we came to the conclusion that Melissa pisses everyone off-- even her own children! Seriously, this snatch is so evil. However, in Maddie's words, it's not force, it's ENCOURAGEMENT. Right. Anyway, Maddie asks Abby to come out into the hallway to talk. Because 9 year olds do things like this. Abby is "impressed" by Maddie's maturity, but sees right through her solo-wanting. Abby thinks it's wishy washy and this isn't how Maddie would approach the task. Out of the blue (or she was hiding the whole time behind a column. Who knows?), Melissa charges in but Abby stops her in her tracks. She has no interest with Snatch-bullshit and tells Maddie to stop crying. Oh, goody, she's with officials to tell them of her situation with the Hyland sisters and sees if they can work in Maddie.
In the green room, guess what? Maddie's doing a solo. Christi's quip- "Par for the course." Ugh. Kelly finally enters in an elegant dress that... is not flattering on her. Abby almost has a stroke. Holly reminds us of the long history between Abby and Kelly (Kelly danced with the ALDC back as a kid) and how that long history has lead to heavy tension. Paige rehearses her solo but Kelly's pissed (drink!) that Abby isn't paying attention (drink!). She whines about how Abby doesn't bother looking up from her laptop but at this point, I so don't care. Kelly's head nearly explodes upon the discovery that Maddie is, in fact, doing her solo. She's even more pissed now because, allegedly, Abby didn't spend as much time with her kids this week as she did with the others. Well, maybe if you didn't pull them out of rehearsal early... So she pulls their solos at the last minute. Shocker. They wait in the green room but, the way they're positioned, it looks like they're in a bomb shelter in WWII. Abby, as always, is worried about how the judges are going to believe that she's a jerk. And this show won't? Oh, and that it's unprofessional, but that's a big duh-huh.
With Paige and Brooke not doing shit (and, subsequently, landing at the bottom of the pyramid due to Kelly's actions, which she'll probably rant about next time), Chloe goes to perform in some weird hairdo. This time around, she's really sharp in her movements and Christi believes she owns the stage. Agreed. Chloe tells us that, this time, she didn't second guess herself and that she'll try to do that from now on. Team Chloe!
Maddie is next and she's nervous about bombing AGAIN. Eh, from my point of view, it looks kind of meh-ish. And blah. And then her music skips. Oh good gravy. This solo is cursed. Abby says her heart just jumped into her throat (nah, that could be a ham sandwich. ZING!) when, WAIT, what's this? Maddie's still dancing! As much as I'm going to regret saying this but, go kiddo! As everyone gives a standing ovation, Melissa the Snatch says that Maddie handled herself like a pro. So I'm guessing this might rocket her back up to the top of the pyramid. Oye.
Time for the solo awards. Chloe gets third and Maddie gets second. Christi is pissed, and all returns to the standard format of this show.
Because of the whole "Mom screwed us over" gate, Kelly's plagued with letting her kids dance in the group number. She says that she's not supporting Abby as a teacher but she's teaching her kids a lesson in teamwork and to never let a group down. Yawn. Holly tells us she's supporting Kelly as a friend and Kelly cries. I swear, Kelly's bipolar. However, Kelly is aware that if she does pull her kids from the group, it'll just lead to an even bigger fight.
Nia and Macks (sounds like a kid's show) dance "Circus, Circus" and it's the most ridiculously adorable number I have ever seen. And they're fantastic. Nia is proud that they managed to pull it off in 3 days. Afterwards, Kelly is still acting like a pisswad and then decides that she's going to let her kids dance. Then it's time to zombie-fy the girls. Abby walks in and is completely impressed by everything, from the costumes to the make-up to Holly stirring blood in a cup. Holly believed that Abby expected her to fail but, in the end, she took her by surprise. TEAM HOLLY! While Abby moans about not being in the top 5, the girls go and dance. The female judge gives "I LOVE IT" faces, as do I, though I think I saw Paige screw up, again. But it could be part of the dance, who knows at this point. Holly enjoyed it and thought it was excellent. Agreed.
Now it's time for the group awards. To the shock of no one, the duet wins! Holly is thrilled! Macks does a roar and I die of adorableness! And the group? FIRST! They're back on top, much to Abby's relief. In the dressing room celebration, Abby congratulates the team for the win and Holly for the costuming. But this show never ends on a happy note, so let's zoom over to Kelly. The kids go wash off all the gunk on their bodies as Abby talks with Kelly. And by "talk", I mean, "argue". And by "argue", I mean, "scream random bullshit." Kelly accuses Abby of mismanaging time, Abby has no idea what's she's talking about, and, for no reason, brings up an incident from the past when Kelly's husband accidentally ran the foot of one of the girls and how she was the first one at the hospital. Uh, what about the dad? Who cares! It's finally over!
Next week on Dance Moms- More screaming. Kelly's contract with the company is brought out, Mackenzie struggles, Melissa whines some more and there's dancing involved somewhere.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Dance Moms: Smoke without Fire
After a brutal wait where some of us had to endure Dance Moms: Miami (same format, only with teachers who actually dance that are gay three ways 'til Sunday, moms who were never going to be likable [save for Ani and her kid, Kimmy], kids who were just as unbearable, and awesome music), our Pittsburgh crew is FINALLY BACK!!!
Previously on Dance Moms: There was about 4 minutes of dancing total, the Crapples waged war on the Fatty Lee Dance Slaves, Jabba the Lee had mood swings between episodes, Jill-Cher and Kendall joined the team, Jill-Cher talked too much, Kendall was on probation, was off for a week, then back on due to her mother's idiocy, and was forced to dance on the Crapples, all the girls were on top at some point, Nia proved her awesome kid status, Brooke explored other options, Paige continued to be Jabba Lee's punching bag, Mackenzie was hysterical, Chloe was sweet, and Maddie Blanche DuBois continued to be grating.
Think I'm done? No way. Melissa the Mattress got engaged "secretly" and proceeded to flip the fuck out, Kelly flipped the fuck out for no reason, Christi showed off her literary skills, and Holly achieved goddess status. We met Cathy's closeted husband, saw Taylor of the Crapples bust her ankle mid-routine, Cathy entered 20-year-olds in the age 9 division, our girls won some times, Nia froze, Chloe forgot her routine, Mackenzie improved a lot, Chloe won overall plenty of times AND a scholarship to the Joffrey's summer intensive, and Maddie blew it BIG TIME.
Also, I vented about my personal life a lot and, most importantly, Vivi isn't freed.
PHEW!
Anyway, on to the show! But first...
We last left off with Jabba Lee deserting the team after the moms (sans Melissa obviously) called her out on her favoritism towards Maddie, leaving us to wonder if there was some other reason why she kept breaking down. And, after an hour of Abby's most "OMG!" moments that I refused to watch, she kicks us off with the necessary, "Let the madness begin!" With that, we finally return to our beloved Pittsburgh.
The girls enter the room but are dumbfounded by the lack of Abby. Christi assumes that Abby doesn't want to face the moms after what happened back in Jersey. Kelly wonders if she'll apologize and I'm pretty sure it's Mackenzie who responds with an honest "NO!" Out of the mouths of babes. Melissa the Mattress tells they were waiting for a good 30 minutes when the billowing black cloud (courtesy of Christi, spoken OUT LOUD) makes her grand entrance. She somberly welcomes back the team and even congratulates Chloe on her win back in Jersey. She didn't win just for herself but for the whole of the company. Next, she brings up Holly's assumptions of playing favorites and, wouldn't ya know, she was right! Abby was upset over Maddie Blanche DuBois' solo bomb. Duh-huh. Holly suggests that the team deserves a hug and the discussion quickly turns to the standard yelling we've all been accustomed to on this show. Mackenzie plugs her ears and rolls her eyes and Melissa doesn't say anything. Abby then tells them that she's not their babysitter, she's their coach.
On to the competition. The team will be heading to Nexstar in Los Angeles, which means that they were the only venue that will allow them to film. Abby tells us that LA kids are fearless because this is what they do for a living. Unlike our girls. Pyramid time begins with Paige at the bottom for mishandling her jailhouse prop. A newly braided Nia is next because of some clothing malfunction in rehearsals. Brooke follows for something stupid like pointe at the Joffrey audition. Already, my head is spinning with confusion. It worsens when Maddie is in the middle, even when Abby says she SHOULD be on the bottom because of the epic bomb. Christi whines about favoritism which we already are aware of, but I like Christi so it's fair enough. Macks is next and is the only one to get really positive criticism. Abby tells her she has energy and charisma and Macks tells us she's excited to be in the middle. And, finally, Chloe is on top for basically maintaining her composure, winning in Jersey, and being fantastic. Okay, so that was MY critique.
Because of her top status, she'll be featured in the group dance, as well as a solo, which Macks also gets. Abby says she was planning on entering Maddie in a solo but might not in the end due to her changed personality. There's also going to be a trio and it'll consist of Chloe, Paige and Brooke. Go figure. The group dance will be called "I want it now", depicting the epitome of the rich brat, meaning Abby has been watching Willy Wonka one too many times. As always, the girls must bring their A-game to this competition.
In the Observe-Bitching room, the moms dish on what happened last time. Holly starts off by lamenting that she only wants Abby to do her job. Understandable. Christi says Abby acted like an asshole (or some other juicy word, I couldn't catch it). Agreeable. Then they start off how Abby keeps changing her story and that she's a big ol' liar and my head starts spinning again. Wait, Abby lying? Huh? Luckily, Melissa sort of clears up some of the misunderstanding. You see, after the last episode aired, the Internet rumor mill suggested that Abby was leaving so she could see her mother, who is very sick, as we learned way back in season one. This is what Melissa thought also, which is why she was the one to call the cab. Turns out, ABBY LIED TO HER TOO!! She's upset over that and Holly thinks that was pretty shoddy of Abby. The moms want Melissa to stand up for herself and to Abby but Melissa thinks the moms just want another show. She changes the subject by saying that she's relieved the Candy Apples won't be at Nexstar, to which the moms (and I) celebrate. Christi pokes fun at Crazy Cathy and thinks it was so weird that they would wet their pants over NINTH PLACE.
Speaking of, we zip away to the crazy farm that is Canton, Ohio, to peek in at the Apples rehearsing. Crazy Cathy Hannigan is still on her high from beating the ALDC (by one point AND THEY STILL LOST) as we see the team stumble over each other, with a brand new pasty boy to join the team. Guess what? Taylor's been cleared by the doctors and is able to dance again. Taylor then enters in herslut dance wear and still on crutches. Something tells me that Cathy is lying through her teeth again as she removes the boot from Taylor's leg. Cathy tells us they've been rehearsing like maniacs (instead of saying she's a maniac) and they (and their drag make up) hope to beat the ALDC once again. I'll bet.
Thankfully, we rush back to Pittsburgh to watch Chloe rehearse her solo, titled "Keep Burning" and will be complete with a red hot costume. Abby describes it as a hot lyrical number, which is often synonymous as "Hustler Club" material. Ever the confidence booster, she hopes Chloe won't screw up and forget the routine. Christi tells us of the ever growing pressure on Chloe (when isn't there any pressure on anyone on the team?) and how Abby's other catchphrase "It's hard STAYING on top" is starting to get grating. Chloe, however, is pretty good at keeping a good poker face as Abby berates her. After she rehearses, Abby gives her applause. It's now time to leave but the moms are really hoping Melissa will talk to Abby about the whole lying thing but Melissa believes (accurately) that this should be handled behind closed doors. Then again, this is television. The moms go to confront Abby and as soon as Melissa says how others basically say how she kisses her butt, Abby goes on the defensive and starts rambling. All the moms just want Abby's back, but she's being a bitch so they give up. Thankfully, no talks of Abby's father giving her the period talk is mentioned.
Mackenzie rehearses her solo on a new day and is excited over the tricks she does in the number. Abby instructs her to suck up to the judges and be sassy. Abby confessionalizes that she feels Macks has matured and how she loves this whole piece. Then the group rehearses. I think Abby tells us that Chloe has been made the leader of the group this week but isn't sure she can handle it. After some more pyramid crap, we go to the moms and Holly's a bit rattled from Abby's stroke rant. Melissa tells her side of the story (stuff we know by heart at this point) and the moms tell her they had her back but want her to be strong. Instead, she threw them under the bus. Christi tells us Melissa lied to them again! (Drink!) Melissa makes as many excuses as Abby does and staunchly calls herself a doormat. Well!
The trio rehearses and it's called "Girls in the House". I'd put an exclamation point at the end of it but this episode is so convoluted. One of the moms notes that this may be challenging because all the girls in the trio have completely different styles. Chloe is lyrical, Brooke is acrobatic, and Paige is usually the one Abby says who screws things up. Maddie is the swing but, for no apparent reason, Abby has her demonstrate just how the number should be done. Because there's obviously no favoritism there. Could it be Abby's way of rubbing it in the others' faces? Ms. DuBois finds it strange to see Chloe treated like this and also thinks it's weird to not have a solo this week. All of this with a schadenfreude grin. Of course, of course, Miss Humble. Kelly (and the world) thinks the choreography (see Victor Smalley? It's not "chorography") is stupid because there's really no technique in any of the dances this week. Chloe bangs her knee and Abby reprimands her, just because she hasn't yelled at Chloe in a few seconds.
Chloe rehearses her solo once again and Jabba the Lee has Nia, Paige, and Blanche DuBois sit and watch so they can critique. Wow, that's pretty fucking low. Melissa decides to join the bitch train by saying she's glad that Maddie only has to worry about the group this week and comments the growing pressure on Chloe. Bitch. Christi laments that the kids should be supportive and not judgmental. Nia, showing the maturity of a grown adult, says she didn't like this situation and it made her feel really uncomfortable. After the kids give so-so critiques, Abby berates Chloe once again and tells her how she has the whole reputation of the company on her shoulders. Oye.
Some more group rehearsal (sans Brooke) and more setting up Chloe to fall follows. Poor Chloe tells us that this week she's doing pretty much everything imaginable (a solo, group and trio) and she's getting nervous. I was distracted because I spotted Gia! doing her thing. Then she notices something's up with Chloe. Chloe's hip is in pain! She has her sit out for a while, like a smart person, while Christi rushes down with ice. With the terms she uses, I wonder what she majored in in college. She says that Chloe is usually too afraid to speak up (like me!) but she's holding up pretty damn well. You go, Chloe. Elsewhere, Abby "happens" to walk in on Maddie practicing the solo she screwed up. I refuse to believe that they never really discussed the whole Jersey thing so Abby has Maddie rehearse it once. She asks her if she really knows that dance. Yeah, says Maddie. Do you think you could perform it again at another competition? Hmm. Abby, like always, believes this could be a winning number and that Maddie better be prepared just in case they "happen" to call her up to do it.
It's finally competition time in LA. Abby tells us that there's going to be tons of numbers, lots of money being spent so this is gonna last all freakin' day. Fantastic. Talks of the line up aside, Abby confesses that she found out that they haven't scratched Maddie's number. Of course, of course. Christi is pissed that Abby didn't do that because she thinks that Chloe isn't enough. Abby goes to have a talk with Maddie. Maddie Blanche DuBois wants to do it but isn't confident since the whole bomb. This entire scene is so confusing.
The trio is up first and Paige's line for the week is how nervous she is because Brooke hasn't done a trio with Chloe and Paige before and afraid that she'll be yelled at. They go and it looks okay, even if Paige forgets a kick. So, of course, Paige is prepared for the worst. As she's being bashed, Paige giggles a little but Abby doesn't want her to laugh during her critique. Christi notes how Paige is usually the fall guy and jokes how if there's no kick, then it's the end of the world. "PAIGE IS ARMAGEDDON!" I was laughing too hard. Kelly argues with Abby, who blows her off. Naturally. Macks is next and Abby lightens up by saying that if she doesn't win, they'll just blame her mom. HA! Macks sound bite for the week: "Abby will totally yell at me if I forget this dance!" Her prop is a huge shoe. Cute! She does pretty well until she slips during a handspring and hurts her foot. She forgets part of the number and we're led to believe she just runs offstage but, knowing this show, she probably finished it. Backstage, she's crying as Chloe and Paige try to calm her down. She's in pain and Abby, for once, uses common sense by asking what went wrong. Mackenzie says that she got hurt and Abby tells her she did the right thing by leaving the stage. Phew! In the green room, Abby comforts her some more by telling her accidents happen. Elsewhere, more Maddie wanting to do the solo but she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Abby confesses that she kind of forced this on her. SHIT, REALLY?!
Previously on Dance Moms: There was about 4 minutes of dancing total, the Crapples waged war on the Fatty Lee Dance Slaves, Jabba the Lee had mood swings between episodes, Jill-Cher and Kendall joined the team, Jill-Cher talked too much, Kendall was on probation, was off for a week, then back on due to her mother's idiocy, and was forced to dance on the Crapples, all the girls were on top at some point, Nia proved her awesome kid status, Brooke explored other options, Paige continued to be Jabba Lee's punching bag, Mackenzie was hysterical, Chloe was sweet, and Maddie Blanche DuBois continued to be grating.
Think I'm done? No way. Melissa the Mattress got engaged "secretly" and proceeded to flip the fuck out, Kelly flipped the fuck out for no reason, Christi showed off her literary skills, and Holly achieved goddess status. We met Cathy's closeted husband, saw Taylor of the Crapples bust her ankle mid-routine, Cathy entered 20-year-olds in the age 9 division, our girls won some times, Nia froze, Chloe forgot her routine, Mackenzie improved a lot, Chloe won overall plenty of times AND a scholarship to the Joffrey's summer intensive, and Maddie blew it BIG TIME.
Also, I vented about my personal life a lot and, most importantly, Vivi isn't freed.
PHEW!
Anyway, on to the show! But first...
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| Uh, scary photoshop touch up? |
The girls enter the room but are dumbfounded by the lack of Abby. Christi assumes that Abby doesn't want to face the moms after what happened back in Jersey. Kelly wonders if she'll apologize and I'm pretty sure it's Mackenzie who responds with an honest "NO!" Out of the mouths of babes. Melissa the Mattress tells they were waiting for a good 30 minutes when the billowing black cloud (courtesy of Christi, spoken OUT LOUD) makes her grand entrance. She somberly welcomes back the team and even congratulates Chloe on her win back in Jersey. She didn't win just for herself but for the whole of the company. Next, she brings up Holly's assumptions of playing favorites and, wouldn't ya know, she was right! Abby was upset over Maddie Blanche DuBois' solo bomb. Duh-huh. Holly suggests that the team deserves a hug and the discussion quickly turns to the standard yelling we've all been accustomed to on this show. Mackenzie plugs her ears and rolls her eyes and Melissa doesn't say anything. Abby then tells them that she's not their babysitter, she's their coach.
On to the competition. The team will be heading to Nexstar in Los Angeles, which means that they were the only venue that will allow them to film. Abby tells us that LA kids are fearless because this is what they do for a living. Unlike our girls. Pyramid time begins with Paige at the bottom for mishandling her jailhouse prop. A newly braided Nia is next because of some clothing malfunction in rehearsals. Brooke follows for something stupid like pointe at the Joffrey audition. Already, my head is spinning with confusion. It worsens when Maddie is in the middle, even when Abby says she SHOULD be on the bottom because of the epic bomb. Christi whines about favoritism which we already are aware of, but I like Christi so it's fair enough. Macks is next and is the only one to get really positive criticism. Abby tells her she has energy and charisma and Macks tells us she's excited to be in the middle. And, finally, Chloe is on top for basically maintaining her composure, winning in Jersey, and being fantastic. Okay, so that was MY critique.
Because of her top status, she'll be featured in the group dance, as well as a solo, which Macks also gets. Abby says she was planning on entering Maddie in a solo but might not in the end due to her changed personality. There's also going to be a trio and it'll consist of Chloe, Paige and Brooke. Go figure. The group dance will be called "I want it now", depicting the epitome of the rich brat, meaning Abby has been watching Willy Wonka one too many times. As always, the girls must bring their A-game to this competition.
In the Observe-Bitching room, the moms dish on what happened last time. Holly starts off by lamenting that she only wants Abby to do her job. Understandable. Christi says Abby acted like an asshole (or some other juicy word, I couldn't catch it). Agreeable. Then they start off how Abby keeps changing her story and that she's a big ol' liar and my head starts spinning again. Wait, Abby lying? Huh? Luckily, Melissa sort of clears up some of the misunderstanding. You see, after the last episode aired, the Internet rumor mill suggested that Abby was leaving so she could see her mother, who is very sick, as we learned way back in season one. This is what Melissa thought also, which is why she was the one to call the cab. Turns out, ABBY LIED TO HER TOO!! She's upset over that and Holly thinks that was pretty shoddy of Abby. The moms want Melissa to stand up for herself and to Abby but Melissa thinks the moms just want another show. She changes the subject by saying that she's relieved the Candy Apples won't be at Nexstar, to which the moms (and I) celebrate. Christi pokes fun at Crazy Cathy and thinks it was so weird that they would wet their pants over NINTH PLACE.
Speaking of, we zip away to the crazy farm that is Canton, Ohio, to peek in at the Apples rehearsing. Crazy Cathy Hannigan is still on her high from beating the ALDC (by one point AND THEY STILL LOST) as we see the team stumble over each other, with a brand new pasty boy to join the team. Guess what? Taylor's been cleared by the doctors and is able to dance again. Taylor then enters in her
Thankfully, we rush back to Pittsburgh to watch Chloe rehearse her solo, titled "Keep Burning" and will be complete with a red hot costume. Abby describes it as a hot lyrical number, which is often synonymous as "Hustler Club" material. Ever the confidence booster, she hopes Chloe won't screw up and forget the routine. Christi tells us of the ever growing pressure on Chloe (when isn't there any pressure on anyone on the team?) and how Abby's other catchphrase "It's hard STAYING on top" is starting to get grating. Chloe, however, is pretty good at keeping a good poker face as Abby berates her. After she rehearses, Abby gives her applause. It's now time to leave but the moms are really hoping Melissa will talk to Abby about the whole lying thing but Melissa believes (accurately) that this should be handled behind closed doors. Then again, this is television. The moms go to confront Abby and as soon as Melissa says how others basically say how she kisses her butt, Abby goes on the defensive and starts rambling. All the moms just want Abby's back, but she's being a bitch so they give up. Thankfully, no talks of Abby's father giving her the period talk is mentioned.
Mackenzie rehearses her solo on a new day and is excited over the tricks she does in the number. Abby instructs her to suck up to the judges and be sassy. Abby confessionalizes that she feels Macks has matured and how she loves this whole piece. Then the group rehearses. I think Abby tells us that Chloe has been made the leader of the group this week but isn't sure she can handle it. After some more pyramid crap, we go to the moms and Holly's a bit rattled from Abby's stroke rant. Melissa tells her side of the story (stuff we know by heart at this point) and the moms tell her they had her back but want her to be strong. Instead, she threw them under the bus. Christi tells us Melissa lied to them again! (Drink!) Melissa makes as many excuses as Abby does and staunchly calls herself a doormat. Well!
The trio rehearses and it's called "Girls in the House". I'd put an exclamation point at the end of it but this episode is so convoluted. One of the moms notes that this may be challenging because all the girls in the trio have completely different styles. Chloe is lyrical, Brooke is acrobatic, and Paige is usually the one Abby says who screws things up. Maddie is the swing but, for no apparent reason, Abby has her demonstrate just how the number should be done. Because there's obviously no favoritism there. Could it be Abby's way of rubbing it in the others' faces? Ms. DuBois finds it strange to see Chloe treated like this and also thinks it's weird to not have a solo this week. All of this with a schadenfreude grin. Of course, of course, Miss Humble. Kelly (and the world) thinks the choreography (see Victor Smalley? It's not "chorography") is stupid because there's really no technique in any of the dances this week. Chloe bangs her knee and Abby reprimands her, just because she hasn't yelled at Chloe in a few seconds.
Chloe rehearses her solo once again and Jabba the Lee has Nia, Paige, and Blanche DuBois sit and watch so they can critique. Wow, that's pretty fucking low. Melissa decides to join the bitch train by saying she's glad that Maddie only has to worry about the group this week and comments the growing pressure on Chloe. Bitch. Christi laments that the kids should be supportive and not judgmental. Nia, showing the maturity of a grown adult, says she didn't like this situation and it made her feel really uncomfortable. After the kids give so-so critiques, Abby berates Chloe once again and tells her how she has the whole reputation of the company on her shoulders. Oye.
Some more group rehearsal (sans Brooke) and more setting up Chloe to fall follows. Poor Chloe tells us that this week she's doing pretty much everything imaginable (a solo, group and trio) and she's getting nervous. I was distracted because I spotted Gia! doing her thing. Then she notices something's up with Chloe. Chloe's hip is in pain! She has her sit out for a while, like a smart person, while Christi rushes down with ice. With the terms she uses, I wonder what she majored in in college. She says that Chloe is usually too afraid to speak up (like me!) but she's holding up pretty damn well. You go, Chloe. Elsewhere, Abby "happens" to walk in on Maddie practicing the solo she screwed up. I refuse to believe that they never really discussed the whole Jersey thing so Abby has Maddie rehearse it once. She asks her if she really knows that dance. Yeah, says Maddie. Do you think you could perform it again at another competition? Hmm. Abby, like always, believes this could be a winning number and that Maddie better be prepared just in case they "happen" to call her up to do it.
It's finally competition time in LA. Abby tells us that there's going to be tons of numbers, lots of money being spent so this is gonna last all freakin' day. Fantastic. Talks of the line up aside, Abby confesses that she found out that they haven't scratched Maddie's number. Of course, of course. Christi is pissed that Abby didn't do that because she thinks that Chloe isn't enough. Abby goes to have a talk with Maddie. Maddie Blanche DuBois wants to do it but isn't confident since the whole bomb. This entire scene is so confusing.
The trio is up first and Paige's line for the week is how nervous she is because Brooke hasn't done a trio with Chloe and Paige before and afraid that she'll be yelled at. They go and it looks okay, even if Paige forgets a kick. So, of course, Paige is prepared for the worst. As she's being bashed, Paige giggles a little but Abby doesn't want her to laugh during her critique. Christi notes how Paige is usually the fall guy and jokes how if there's no kick, then it's the end of the world. "PAIGE IS ARMAGEDDON!" I was laughing too hard. Kelly argues with Abby, who blows her off. Naturally. Macks is next and Abby lightens up by saying that if she doesn't win, they'll just blame her mom. HA! Macks sound bite for the week: "Abby will totally yell at me if I forget this dance!" Her prop is a huge shoe. Cute! She does pretty well until she slips during a handspring and hurts her foot. She forgets part of the number and we're led to believe she just runs offstage but, knowing this show, she probably finished it. Backstage, she's crying as Chloe and Paige try to calm her down. She's in pain and Abby, for once, uses common sense by asking what went wrong. Mackenzie says that she got hurt and Abby tells her she did the right thing by leaving the stage. Phew! In the green room, Abby comforts her some more by telling her accidents happen. Elsewhere, more Maddie wanting to do the solo but she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Abby confesses that she kind of forced this on her. SHIT, REALLY?!
Outside, Maddie, choking up, tells her she isn't ready to do the solo. Abby believes Maddie feels like a failure. Oyish.
Chloe's up next with her solo and Christi thinks Abby just tries to psych Chloe out. Just in case, Christi gives Chloe one of her famous pep talks. Chloe believes Maddie Blanche DuBois froze because of the pressure and they all know the feeling since they've all done it before. Since this show would be nothing without bullshit, turns out Maddie wasn't scratched and is called for her solo. Maddie is confused beyond belief and Melissa's story this week is that Maddie's "sick". Maddie thinks she should do it anyway and Abby tells us that the judges "didn't know" Maddie was scratched. Meanwhile, I believe I should start drinking wine while I watch this show to numb the dumb. In the end, we see the promo shot of Maddie hyperventilating in the audience into a less than concerned Melissa. Chloe goes to dance and Christi tells us this competition is really tough because no one is familiar with the team and Chloe's competing at the very bottom of the age group. Not that it matters because Chloe's a dream when she dances. Christi feels that Chloe really internalized that girl on fire (she's portraying Katniss Everdeen?). It was beautiful and she (and I) enjoyed it. Like, I got chills at the end. Chloe feels good and says, "I mean, I can't go back out and do it again!" LOL! She also says that if doesn't win this time, she can just impress them next time. Love her.
At the standard green room group rehearsal, complete with standard screaming from Abby, Melissa thinks the choreography is a bit watered down than usual and they won't do so well at this competition. Abby, once again, says the competition has no idea who she is (THANK GOD) and then decides to tell Maddie that, had she done her solo, maybe they'd remember her name. That's encouraging. Also, WTF?
The group performs. I think it's pretty cute, save for Maddie's goofy competition face that my dad thinks looks like a horse. Nia utilizes her Shangela-taught death drop and Chloe does an awesome job because I'm on Team Chloe. The choreography, however, looks dumb but Abby ponders just how far "cute" will get them. Isn't that exactly what she said in the first episode last season? And didn't they win then? Seriously, Jabba the Lee, shut up.
Thankfully, it's time for the awards! The background music just depicts trouble coming. Mackenzie gets tenth place in the petite group. Melissa believes the judges didn't get to see the whole dance. THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER INJURED HERSELF. Common sense just flies out of this woman! Chloe, on the other hand, gets fifth place. Abby believes that her performance was "fair to good". Way to have confidence in Chloe. The group also gets fifth. Kelly thinks that they did pretty swell and they looked the part of entitled brats.
JTL, on the other hand, didn't think the competition went so well. She then goes on to say that, out of all the kids, only Mackenzie got a high score in overall. Um, what the fuck is she talking about because I didn't see that anywhere in this episode. Then again, this is what this show does best. I think this song should be the new theme song. In the dressing room, she blabbers how they pretty much wasted their time coming just to get fifth place. Kelly managed to get 2 and a half words out before The Abominable Dance Teacher launches into a screaming tired that, for no reason, includes bashing Brooke's turns and Kelly struggling to pronounce "fouette", meaning she was probably drinking. But, still, that was extremely low for Abby to say CONSIDERING BROOKE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE. Christi, offended how Abby says crap like this in front of the kids, ushers the kids out of the room. Kelly and Abby scream about proper English usage and Kelly, accurately, calls Abby's choreo stale and that she's been doing this for too long. With a final "Don't eat me!" we finish the episode.
I kind of didn't catch what happens this season beyond the standard screaming matches and wins but it does include the return of Big Pimpin' Peyton that, allegedly, pits her against Brooke. But Lifetime likes to spoil things and put up promo pictures where Peyton is included but not Brooke (a commenter said Brooke was at her 8th grade formal). Oh, and a zombie dance which I'm more than excited for, which is very upsetting.
Next week on Dance Moms: The famous Paige-Chair-Stopper scene where Kelly's head spins, Maddie Blanche DuBois has ANOTHER crying fit, and Paige is mysteriously missing for her solo. And I'm going to be forced to watch this nonsense sober.
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