JTL brings out the standard pyramid (which she claims was a gimmick made by the producers. Hmm...). Mom Melissa the Snatch plans to have a new clean slate and no negative thoughts. We shall see how long that'll last. However, my champion mom, Holly (aka "Dance Michelle Obama"), is nowhere to be found. JTL asks her daughter, Nia, where the hell is she? Like a good mother who plans to keep some form a stability for her family (and yet still sends her daughter to this she-demon), Holly has work. Well, JTL is typically furious at Holly. She believes she needs to drop her work (which, I believe, is a school principal so that's not happening anytime soon, ya big idiot) and to love dance alongside her daughter, proving she may have lost some more IQ points from last season. Jabba the Lee feels Nia feels bad because Holly's not there. Gee, did you ever think about ASKING what Nia thinks about this?
JTL recaps (once again and probably many more times in the future) how the team won Nationals last season but now they're TARGETS and everyone wants to see them fail. Well, okay then. She announces that, to replace Vivi-Anne (FREE VIVI!!!!), she will be holding open auditions and says the standard "Everyone's replaceable", which is mocked by my other favorite mom Christie.
Pyramid time! At the bottom is little ol' Mackenzie, who is now 7 and has no front teeff. She can't be eating chips anymore, which made me very sad as that was the quote of the season last time. Teenager Brooke is next and JTL knocks her about missing some classes so she could take a break. Her sister, Paige, is next and yelled at for the same reason. Well, last season, Brooke barely got out ALIVE, what with the hip injury, the prop going up her nose, the gaff tape burn on her neck, her shoulder popping out DURING a routine... will she catch a break this season? Nia is next up and JTL wants her to win a TITLE this time. She also has the audacity to say that Holly doesn't care as much as she should. Nia astutely notes that since she's the dancer, she should be the one showing up for class, NOT her mom. This recognition immediately skyrockets her to being one of my favorite girls. Chloe is up next, due to her star status as the lead in that music video that JTL believes is getting the same recognition as a Gaga video. Keep dreaming. Anyway, she's still not on top, which greatly irks everyone who has common sense. As always, Maddie is on top because she's Maddie. As a result, the top 3 girls (Maddie, Chloe, and Nia) will be getting new solos as they'll be competing at a competition in Greensborough, NC (I think). Their standard group number shall be call "Sassy Dolls", a jazzy space cadet-esque number. I immediately notice that Gia, the mystery assistant from last season, is not there but some guy is. Oh, and they have 5 days to rehearse. Or so they say. The moms hope the auditions won't bring in any new crazy dance mom like...
Crazy Cathy, who the show still follows around because she's as delusional as Jabba the Lee. At her Candy Assholes studi-- wait, I meant Candy APPLES dance studio in Ohio, Crazy Cathy tells us things are going well, set to stock 50's instrumental music. We're shown a glimpse of her dancers rehearsing and it's clear nothing has changed. ONCE AGAIN, she whines about their time there and how the pyramid system brought up negative criticisms. So she's going to be using the same thing (Huh? [Yep, it's the producer's brainchild]). A nice girl named Erica/Erika/Ericah is at the top and she'll be getting a solo just for that. I believe none of these kids should ever do (or wear) make up ever again.
Back in Pittsburgh, the moms ponder about the great Holly, who finally enters only to hear JTL is threatening to replace Nia from the team. Keeping the theme of having infomation whacked into our heads like a sockful of quarters, Holly states she's the ADULT, not the DANCER. She goes to have a civilized conversation with the dancing behemoth. Koo-koo Kelly cannot believe the crazy is starting ALREADY. Poor Holly isn't given a word in edgewise as JTL goes into an Edina Monsoon worthy rant filled with words that have no meaning and chock full of stupidity while Holly tries to state her case. To shut her up, Holly tells JTL that she's intimidated by her. "BULL!!!" shouts the classless fat-ass. Maybe if she opened her ears and not her mouth, Jabba the Lee would get some common sense knocked into her thick head.
It's a new day as Holly and Nia go out for smoothies. Holly finds it difficult to balance a career and being a mom (let alone a dance mom). Poor Nia asks her mom the question fed to her by Jabba the Lee about if she'll be able to go to the competition this weekend (Nia, I feel your pain. No one likes asking empty questions). Nia wishes her mom could be there but she is understanding after all.
The next day is the auditions to replace Vivi-Anne and it's pretty packed (mostly filled with parents who want 15 minutes of fame). One particular mother, Lesley, hopes her pretty daughter, Payton, will be picked as they've been trying for YEARS to get on this team. Freaks. But Lesley doesn't understand why all these strangers showed up (it's an OPEN audition, you moron). The regular Moms continue to pray that there won't be another crazy Mom to join the team. JTL, however, doesn't want anyone too young like Mackenzie (who whines a lot since she's 7) and no one too old like Brooke (who is a brooding teen). Poor Payton is cut and she's disappointed, or at least looks disappointed since we haven't heard a word from her. JTL says she's too tall to be on the routine, which blows for her. The winning girl is a nice and pretty brunette named Kendall. Ken is 8 years old and looks a wee bit like Abigail Breslin. Poor kid has no idea what she's getting herself into. Her mother Jill is also kind of pretty, but I don't think her face moves at all, so I'll nickname her Cher. Ken will be put on "probation" before she can officially join the team so JTL is going to give her a solo to learn for the competition, which occurs in 3 days.
Jill-Cher is pulled over for some brief practice convo with JTL so Kendall can get some private time to learn her stuff. Lesley, however, comes in, quickly congratulates Jill and Kendall, and asks JTL why Payton didn't make the cut. JTL mentions that she's too tall and dances very "mature" (meaning she has totally forgotten all about the prostitot routine). Well, Lesley goes insane and almost matches Jabba the Lee over blind rage and pointless yelling. Almost.
JTL describes the solos, which apparently are all of the "Musical Theatre" genre, which makes no sense. Maddie, as she has become 9, has tougher competition as she's now on the younger side of the spectrum for competition while Chloe has her recognition from the music video on her back. JTL believes it's getting to Chloe's head. THAT SWEET KID? Ridiculous. The other moms allegedly have heard Jill-Cher IS a crazy step mom and has been going from studio to studio. Well, time will tell for that one. Jill-Cher enters, intros are made and she notices Christine is very tense towards her, who is in love with Jill-Cher's speaking voice (which is very phone(y) operator). Kendall is given a solo so JTL can see how she looks onstage. Elsewhere in Mom-land, the regulars ask Jill-Cher why this buffet-buffoon? Well, she's heard great things about her. Duh. Despite feeling some sort of tension from Christie, Jill-Cher seems to hold her own. Christie, however, will hold firm to the belief that Jill-Cher is the ultimate stagemom and wonders how she'll fare against Melissa the Snatch.
Then comes the last rehearsal for the space cadets number. JTL demands a plastic box to be made for Mackenzie. If she asks for a cage for the next number, someone arrest JTL. However, she screams at Brooke for wasting too much time getting a drink and asking her mom if she can go to a football game at her school (which probably means she's still holding out for the cheerleader dream). THEN GO!! And stop writing on your hand, damn it. Poor Brooke begins to cry and JTL is flabbergasted over why (take a long look in the mirror, then are TONS in your studio). Jabba the Lee wants Brooke to be a role model for the girls, and crying is a big no-no. Well, Fatty Patty, it's called being a teen. They do things like this. Hell, *I* STILL DO THINGS LIKE THAT. You would know it if you spent it doing teen things, not starting a dance studio at 14. JTL has never had the experiences these girls will/want to have, so why should she lecture them about it? Koo-koo Kelly enters to remind JTL that rehearsal was supposed to end at 6:30 or whatever and it's a bit later than that. And so they go. Poor Brooke is already a pawn in the power struggle between two big dumbasses.
The big day finally arrives and it's snooooooowing! As per usual with this group, things are still being touched up, but this isn't new. Poor Nia once again reminds us how upset she is that her mom isn't going to be there but this time I'm pretty sure her voice cracked trying to hold back tears. Ever the wise one, Holly reminds her that the other moms will be there to help her through and they embrace one last time (even if Nia shouting "Mommy!" was a little odd, the whole scene nearly made me cry). Holly the Magnificent goes to speak with Fatty Ass Miller, who promptly shut her window closed like the rude behemoth that she is. On the ride over (where it stopped snowing. Weird), Jill-Cher and Kendall give JTL a thank you gift for letting her on the team. After all, they're SERIOUS about this. It's perfume! Christie speaks for America when she says a membership for Weight Watchers would've been a suiting gift.
At the competition, Chloe is allowed to speak her mind and finds it difficult to do ANYTHING without hearing JTL's voice echoing from the abyss in her mind. And this happens all the time. This won't look good for her future... on the other hand, Kendall is ready to BRING IT! Maddie is still confident enough to take on older girls but who really cares now. Maddie goes first and she still dances and acts like a ham. Chloe's next and she's just super sweet and her dance-acting has improved. What's weird, though, is that Jabba the Lee critiques Chloe but not Maddie, which means that she's still playing favorites/finding a punching bag. Nia is extremely nervous, especially since Holly isn't there, and dances what was described earlier as a routine from "Once on this Island", which really looks like yet ANOTHER "ethnic" dance. Nia pulls through does a fantastic job. She believes it's the best dancing she's ever done (so far. I'm rooting for you!). Even Jabba the Lee is impressed.
Kendall's first routine on this show is next. What's very odd is that earlier in rehearsals, she was dancing a "Musical theatre" piece, but now it's "Jazz". Fire that caption person for lying to us! Then again, look at who they're working for... Anywho, while she's definitely no Maddie, Kendall and her feather bra dance pretty great. Both Kendall and Jill-Cher remind us how nervous she was. Well, no shit, if she wasn't nervous, she would be lying. At the awards cermony, Nia get's 4th place! Whoo hoo! Chloe is terrified about letting her fans down (which I was about to question but, then again, she's Chloe) and wins 1st! Double whoo-hoo! Maddie wins 1st as well in the Pre-junior category, but no one really cares. She tries to impress by bringing up that both she and Chloe wiped the floor with some 16 year old contestant. Um, okay? After the ceremony, Jill-Cher goes to confront Jabba the Lee about letting Kendall off "probation". They want on this team NOW. Too bad. Kendall and her mom have a little conversation and she begins to cry but Jabba the Lee shoots her down and she immediately sucks up those tears. I admire Kendall's fortitude, but she's still on probation.
Now it's time for the group routines! Fatty Lee gives the girls the standard group bashing and continues to yell at them WHILE they're rehearsing. Good God, lady, calm your tits! Brooke reminds us about how they're National Champions and there's more pressure on then and blah blah blah GET TO THE DANCING!
Mackenzie describes her role in the dance and how it's about being dolls and such but, as usual, she appears to not do much in the routine, which probably means she's only in it to bring down the group's age in order to get an easy win. It's not a spectacular number but do they win? Yup. The hard to please Jabba the Lee isn't impressed. She feels Brooke is too old to be cute (Nonsense, I'm practically a leader of that tribe) and that Nia wasn't dancing so it's clear Jabba the Lee has had a stroke between seasons. Why is she criticizing them WHEN THEY WON? She goes into a bitch fight with Kelly but I was distracted because I caught a glimpse of Gia the Assistant so I was relieved to know she hasn't totally disappeared. Oh, and during the fight, Kelly calls Jabba the Lee a "whore" where I both laughed and almost vomited thinking of JTL hooking on street corners and... well, you know hookers look like and do, PICTURE JABBA THE LEE DRESSED LIKE THAT AND DOING THOSE THINGS AND YOU'LL WANT TO STAB YOUR EYES OUT TOO. Christie ushers the kids out like a good mother/human being and Jill-Cher witnesses all this crazy. Even she and her non-expressive face knows that this should NEVER happen.
Well, that was an explosive opening. This season includes more bitch-fights, more Candied Assholes and, naturally, more Jabba the Lee and the Fatty Lee Dance
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