"
™, where JTL gives a big round of applause for wiping the floor with the Candy Apples (dear god, let there not be too many obscure apple references this week...). This week, they're going to the Starbound Competition in New Jersey. It's the same competition where they won (one of the) NATIONALS. At the very bottom is Nia, over a stupid little choreography mistake. Nia's bummed out because she really worked hard to move up the pyramid (I'd throw in a Jeffersons reference there but I respect Holly and Nia way too much). Kendall's next due to her lack of musicality and, so, she's still on probation. Paige is next but I really didn't catch the reason why because it sounded stupid to begin with and we haven't seen Paige much this season so far. Lil' Mackenzie is next but she won't be in the group number this time around. She will get a solo though. Leaving the bottom row behind, next up is... MADDIE?! WHOA this proves interesting. JTL says that, though Maddie had one of the highest scores last competition, she wants someone else to be on top for a change. Hmm... Melissa the Snatch, however, doesn't agree with her. Chloe follows, even if she didn't have a solo last time. JTL wants her to be known for her dancing, NOT for her being in a music video. Christi, my favorite mom, is ecstatic that, for once, Chloe is ahead of Maddie on the pyramid. "Ice cream for everyone!" (I WANT SOME!). And then, (gasp!), Brooke is on top once again!! JTL says she proved herself last time with her solo and how she's gone from the bottom to the top! Koo-Koo Kelly believes that this means something for all the kids and how well they can really do. Because of this, I was doing a victory dance UNTIL Brooke expresses doubt and displeasure about being a role model for the younger girls. She's not sure that she wants to be one and she rather would be with her friends... you know, humans HER age. Hmm. By the pricking of my thumbs... something wicked this way comes.
Joining Mackenzie on the solo train, Chloe will get a lyrical solo and Maddie will get a jazz solo, something she (Maddie) isn't particularly thrilled over. This also means the two girls (obviously Mackenzie will be competing in her own age group) will be going head to head with one another. I'm surprised Christi isn't going psycho over this like last season. The group dance is called "Born to Dance" and it's about childbirth. Brooke is going to be the main attraction to the piece and is the glue to the piece. With five days to the competition, the girls work with Gia! with the piece. Jabba the Lee admits that the piece is a bit provocative but beautiful. The moms, however, are freaking out over Brooke doing the interpretive dance version of escaping the uterus via vagina and bring up the "Electricity" piece of yore. The difference being Electricity was, um, a tad tasteless and this piece should be a little different from the hanky-spanky, skimpy outfitted routine. Christi feels that these kids shouldn't really be exposed to the wonders of womanhood juuuuuuust yet. Melissa the Snatch is being asked by the other moms about her kid being bumped down and if she's feeling okay. She's trying to be okay about it (yeah, right). She's perturbed by this and NOW believes the pyramid sucks and totally not fair. Yeah, lady, Christi and I agree that you're only whining about the pyramid now because you don't have the bragging rights anymore. Elsewhere, in the studio, Brooke knows JTL is going to be harder on her than ever before due to her rank on the pyramid. She wants to do other things... things like cheerleading!
Later on, after rehearsal,
At the 3 day mark, Mackenzie, who really should lay off the lipstick, rehearses her solo, where she leads her own parade. JTL says it's a reward for doing so well in the group last time. Mack believes she's ready to go against the big girls. YOU GO GIRL! At a bar (where else?) called "Olive or Twist" (clever!), the moms drink and Kelly brings up her dilemma. She tells the women that Brooke has had it with Jabba the Lee (you mean YOU'VE had it) and brings up cheer-gate. To her, it's a lose/lose situation. Melissa, because Maddie has to be interjected in here somewhere as she hasn't been mentioned in the last five seconds, says she would NEVER let Maddie do something like this, especially when a competition approaches. Snatch, no one cares. Nevertheless, Kelly is prepared for the consequences and Jill-Cher believes that this is the best decision.
Later, Maddie rehearses her jazz solo called "Lights, Camera, Action". Even though she likes the solo, she's worried about it since she doesn't do jazz numbers so often. She's also worried about Chloe, who rehearses her lyrical solo "Don't Catch Me". Chloe thinks she has a good chance at winning. We shall see.
Soon, JTL has a brief 45 minute run through of what I'm calling the "Fetus" dance. About a good 10 minutes in, she finally realizes Brooke is not there. Uh, just how ignorant is this woman? Maddie gives us the 411 on how Brooke has been complaining about how she hates dance and how she might not want to be on the team anymore. JTL vainly screams for Brooke and goes through the team rules. She goes to get Kelly, who finally breaks the bad news to the aptly leopard-velour jacket donned Fatty Patty. She. Goes. BATSHIT INSANE. The other moms look on and cringe at the carnage to unfold. Jabba the Lee is furious that a 13 year old is dictating the future of the group and her, Madame Liar Pants of the FLDC! Kelly points out that Brooke is dictating her own future so quit making it a humongous deal. Blinded with rage, JTL goes on another rambling rant about how Brooke is screwing her over and screwing the team over with her decision. JTL is also livid by the fact Brooke wouldn't go to JTL herself to deliver the news (well, based on how graciously you're taking it, we all know why she's locked in the bunker, dedicating her first cheer to her mother whose brave and noble death allowed Brooke to achieve her dreams). In a mature manner, JTL pulls the group number, dismisses the three girls without solos (Nia, Paige and Kendall) and proceeds to start the solo rehearsals.
No, wait, there's more to come. Holly the Magnificent asks if the moms could have a word with Jabba the Lee, who surprisingly says yes. Ambassador Christi of the Mom Tribe tells the behemoth that they're standing by Brooke's decision and that it's teaching their kids about the wonders of friend support. JTL, who had no friends and can't comprehend what Christi is saying, calls her an asshole for teaching their kids about morals. JTL confessionalizes that Christi is only using this to her advantage in order to get Chloe to the top (fairly this time). Uh, if she was, don't you think she'd be throwing her kid's name around like Melissa?
The whole situation reminds me of when I studied Theatre (well, Visual and Performing Arts) at QCC (oh yes, how prestigious!). One of the professors would go around telling students to audition, despite the fact that they have lives outside of school and have these things called jobs they go to in order to support themselves. She, who apparently thinks this place is on Broadway level standards, would want them to quit the jobs, forget about their loving family and focus on the auditioning for whatever play coming up. She even got pissy at me once during an audition when I told her I wouldn't be able to work on her show because "of other commitments". "And why not?" She would ask while turning a shade of deep red. I told her it's another opportunity to further my career (something she always told us), plus I'm earning a little bit of money because of it. She reacted the same way to one of my friends who was cast in a dance workshop and was told she wasn't contributing to the department (or something). We (the friend and I) both knew that dance IS a performing art so why is she going koo-koo over it. I pretty much threw away my last audition at this place because I have had it with her and was focused on getting my ass out of the institution, knowing she would want me to drop all my necessary classes just to participate in her two-bit production.
Man, that felt good to get off my chest.
Anyhow, back to the Moms. Jabba the Lee, who KNOWS this number will win, is worried about her reputation (you mean, BEYOND what this show is showing us?) since they are Starbound's National champions (You can tell she's going to be throwing that around this entire season). Instead, she will put the group number back in. Gia! is willing to work with the girls for 4 hours the next day in order to reblock the whole number but Jabba's name will be removed from the number itself. Oooooh, we're just shakin' in our boots, aren't we? Then, she tarnishes what little respect anyone had for her when she says THIS:
"I would NEVER let my child shake her pom-pons for some boy so she could go to college for free."
Well, where the hell are MY pom-pons cause I would want a free ride to a great college! Fatty Patty, I would WANT my kids to succeed and go off to college, not spend the rest of their lives being shouted at by the Living Contradiction in a studio in PA. Firecracker! Firecracker! Sis-boom-bah!
The following day, at 6:15 AM, Gia! works on the Fetus number with the remaining girls. Maddie feels bad for Brooke about this whole situation, especially now that Maddie is pretty much filling in for her spot (Maddie, if you attempt to be any more "humble", it's going to sound like sarcasm) while Paige stands by her sister's decision. Nia wants to prove to JTL that the group can persevere through this and win on their own merit. Gia! does a fantastic job and gives hugs! She is then leading the team, through skipping!, to the bus where Holly remarks "Gia is leading the troops!" The mood on the bus is a bit different than usual. Are... are those SMILES? Like genuine smiles that JTL isn't here? Holly calmly states that she's confident things will go nice and smooth this time around. Everyone on the bus is having a grand ole time... UNTIL THE WOMAN IN BLACK ARRIVES. You can see all the energy just being sucked out of the bus at her arrival... JTL states she's only going because she doesn't want Gia! to be thrown towards the wolves on her own. Hey, she came in, worked on YOUR choreography and has been with the team since day one. I think she's more than capable on handling the team at this competition. Poor Holly laments about how all the euphoria about this trip sans JTL came crashing down with her presence. Whomp, whomp.
On the bus ride over, Crazy Cathy calls BFF Melissa the Snatch (who has no gifts for Jabba the Lee this time around) and JTL starts speaking in tongues. Guess what? THE CANDY ASSHOLES ARE COMPETING IN NEW JERSEY TOO. JTL begins to show signs of having a stroke. Christi shamefully admits that this week just might be Cathy Hannigan's week. At the competition, Jabba the Lee continues her fall from grace as she wants the girls to make it seem Brooke never existed and that they're NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (give it a rest!). Christi breaks out the back braces for the girls due to the amount of pressure JTL is placing on them this week.
In another room (judging from the lockers and happy, smiley artwork on the walls, I'm guessing the venue was at an elementary school), our Geriatric Mean Girl announces "Our nemis is here" ("Nemesis". The word you're grasping for is "Nemesis". Money cannot buy you intelligence). She then maturely tries to get her team to boo the FLDC, which I'm pretty sure none of them do, and says they don't want to lose to yet another "hokey-pokey" routine. Christi is totally thrilled to see Crazy Cathy once again (complete with rolling eyes) and calls her a "low-blower" for targeting their kids. Jill-Cher shows signs of humanity by laughing with Christi at the moniker "low-blower". One of the officials goes to retrieve Mackenzie for her solo. Melissa is nervous that Mackenzie might forget the choreography while Mackenzie is gonna show that she's the best. Her solo is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen and she nails it! Yay! Melissa finally recognizes her as her daughter! Crazy Cathy tries to start another pissing match with JTL about having the row reserved. Well, says JTL, I don't see your name anywhere so suck up and shut up. Chloe preps for her solo and she's not as nervous as she was last season, which is a very good thing. She does a beautiful job but I wish JTL wouldn't give her such understated solos all the time. Melissa the Snatch thinks Chloe did great BUT Maddie is still the tops in her eyes. Ugh... Maddie goes and, I'll admit, it wasn't necessarily her best. Even she admits the solo "felt weird", despite assurance from Gia! that she did all right.
Crazy Cathy realizes that Brooke isn't there and that speaking eloquently is not her forte as she says "She's probably trying out for cheerleader." IT'S CHEERLEADING. We go off to PA to look in on Brooke's try-out. Kelly admits that maybe if JTL wasn't so hard on the poor girl so much, she wouldn't be trying out for cheerleading in an attempt to break free! I'm getting nervous as Brooke admits that she's going to feel really bad if she doesn't make the team. She stumbles a bit with the yelling section, especially since she's not that experienced in that area (Jabba the Lee sure is, just pretend you're screaming over her)... BUT SHE MADE THE TEAM!!! (Victory cheer!) Kelly, though happy for her, is a bit upset that Brooke is walking away from something KELLY MADE HER DO. Be proud that Brooke made the decision for once, ya loony!
Solo awards! Mackenzie wins for junior-petite! Hooray for the band leader! Maddie wins third for her division and the Snatch thinks she was jipped of the win, which went too CHLOE! YAHOO!! She's surprised by the win, considering who she was up against. You know who else didn't win? Justice, the red head kid from Candy Apples, who can be seen in the line up. You just know Cathy's blowing a fuse. Melissa sure doesn't care about the win. Nope. Not at all. JTL told her that Maddie didn't win because she looked too professional. You'll believe just about anything, won't you? JTL continues her fall by bashing on Chloe's mistakes while praising Maddie. Furthering the fall, she tells the girls that Brooke is worthless. Yup, enrollment at her dance company sure is gonna skyrocket now. HOW DARE SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Chloe is a bit nervous about the Apples but she's hopin' for the best.
Group dances! The Candy Assholes go first with their "Mermaids" rountine. Vivi is dreadful in the piece and the older dancers aren't as spectacular either. The number's a mess. JTL believes Vivi was just used as a human prop in order to bring down the overall age level... LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR NUMBERS LAST TIME WITH MACKENZIE AND VIVI?!
Time now for the Dancing Fetuses. The music almost made me cry (unlike Christi, who actually does) and the girls do a fantastic job. At the awards, Candy Assholes get EIGHTH PLACE. To the surprise of no one, the fetus dance wins overall. JTL is ecstatic for beating the Assles once again but is less than pleased with Cathy Hannigan's lack of sportsmanship. Plus, she wants the fugly bee costume back. So, they go to the Assles room and congratulate them like good sports. Jabba inquires about the Bee costume. "Oh I gave it to Goodwill" remarks Cathy (I doubt it but whatever). Melissa bemoans that the costume cost $300... whoa, wait, THEY SPENT $300 ON THAT CRAP?! Christi calls Cathy a mean little old woman (true) and a nasty old bat (Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyess!!!) Cathy goes after Christi's nose because she can't pay someone to give her a better comeback and also pushes Christi, who calls her a bitch and I swear was going to rightfully sock Cathy in the face. Luckily, Holly the Magnificent goes in to retrieve her before anything else happens.
Next Week: Payton joins the team to replace Brooke. Lesley, her mom, starts a pissing war with Christi. And more pissing matches erupt between JTL and Payton and Christi. Oh, and the girls are dressed up in schoolgirl outfits. Bum, bum BUUUMMM.
No comments:
Post a Comment