It's a new dance week and the start of what is assumed to be many episodes centered on the "Fatty Lee Dance Company vs Candy Assholes" story line. And this particular episode is focused on Crazy Cathy doing whatever she can to win, even if it's to lie... odd how this episode is focused on lying since that's what Jabba the Lee does half the time, or at least "forget" certain details, like going to more Nationals when she claimed were Regionals or even how, according to the internets, Kendall won for her division last episode (but I could be wrong). But before any of that happens, let's head on over to the pyramid!
Jabba the Lee says that the group's performance at the Dance Troupe Competition last time was certainly not the REIGNING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (of one Nationals competition) the country know them as. Please. As soon as JTL critiques Kendall's performance, Jill-Cher interrupts with the whole "she only learned it in 3 days" (really? It's practically the same amount of time I can learn a whole dance number too. Shut it), so JTL immediately barks at her to shut up. So, Fats, where's the next competition? Ohio. YOU KNOW WHO LIVES IN OHIO? Chloe sure cheerfully does (meanwhile, I love how she has more of a personality this time around). CANDY APPLES. The first of many Christi quips (as I have been erroneously spelling with an e on the end.) starts when she compares Cathy Hannigan to a cold sore "that keeps coming back", furthering my love for her. Jabba the Lee wants NO SQUAWKING from the moms (and yet she doesn't laugh that out of her system).
Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid since she's still on probation. Whatevs. Mackenzie is next on the bottom. Jabba brings up how Maddie, her sister, was dancing better at her age than she is, increasing my hatred for her. DON'T COMPARE MACKENZIE TO HER OWN DAMN SISTER. Honestly! JTL also goes on to say that Mackenzie always get small roles in the groups but she wants her to do more. Here's a thought, you moron, GIVE HER MORE TO DO beyond just placing her in there to bring down the overall age. UGH! Brooke is next and she needs to stop being a drama queen. She's followed by the increasingly non-existent Paige, who also did well but was told 32 times to sit down on the bus. Uh, who cares? Kelly sure does as she starts another pissing match with JTL. In the middle row is Nia, who did fantastic but Jabba the Lee wants a family member to accompany her to these competitions. Funny she'll say that when she had no trouble when Melissa the Snatch left her with her girls (that's plural, Melissa. Mackenzie is your daughter too) last season. Chloe is next because of her fantastic job and Maddie is on top. Shocker. Maddie, however, is criticized over how it wasn't her best performance last time.
The group number is titled "Bad Apples", which made me giggle. Shut up. It's a 1940's inspired number but with a little Katy Perry-influence. They're gonna be made up like pin-up girls, complete with snoods (which Mackenzie has no idea what a snood is. I wish there was a sound bite of her saying that). Brooke will be doing a solo and will be competing against Erica, the top girl from Candy Assles, who is roughly her age. JTL wants Brooke to scare the living crap out of her while the theme for the week is to make applesauce out of Crazy Cathy's team.This promises to be an interesting episode.
Mom time! So, Jill-Cher, how was your first pyramid experience? She wasn't expecting Kendall to be on the bottom already. There's a lot of pressure on the bottom. Christi, however, believes she does belong there. Jill-Cher can't quite get used to the dynamics of the pyramid while Holly the Magnificent astutely notes that in order for one girl to rise, one of the top three must fall, and Jill-Cher's honesty says that Nia should've been that girl. Oye. Melissa, however, does note that Jill-Cher is getting annoyed because Kendall isn't the star now, like she was at the many other studios they've been at. Then Jill-Cher pulls a Cathy and says she's only supporting HER child (despite the fact that in confessionals, she states she wants to be on the team. And by "she", she means herself, furthering her crazy stage mom persona rivaled only by Mama Rose.) Christi kind of sets her up to go speak to Jabba the Velociraptor, which we all know is a bad, bad idea. So Jill-Cher goes right on ahead as the moms pulls out popcorn to watch the show. Jill-Cher goes to interrupt the class (WHY? WHY DO THESE BIMBOS DO THAT?! These girls could probably do better if they didn't interrupt the classes!) Jill-Cher asks JTL what she wants from her. "Nothing" says the dance instructor (possibly because SHE'S NOT THE DANCER. HER DAUGHTER IS). JTL believes that Jill-Cher should've spent more on technique classes for Kendall, otherwise she wouldn't be struggling. It's a bit of a sane argument as Jill-Cher is kicked out of the class.
We are now treated to one of the rehearsals for "Bad Apples", including Kendall, before the crew is whisked off to Ohio to look in on Candy Assholes. Crazy Cathy hasn't seen the moms since she had her ass handed to her at the iHollywood competition in LA. You know, when Chloe, Nia and Mackenzie wiped the floor with her dowdy routines? The rehearsal looks sloppy, as per usual. Back in the sunny land of Pittsburgh, Christi and Kelly have lunch. Christi whips out an old competition book that she's going to show Jill-Cher later that, yes, Chloe and Maddie did in fact beat Kendall at a previous competition. In this particular book, Maddie got first (gee, no prizes there), Chloe got third and Kendall got tenth. Oh jeez, this isn't gonna go well. Christi's quips continue as she wants to know what the hell is Jill-Cher's deal and that she and her phone-sex operator voice shouldn't be trusted.
Brooke is then shown rehearsing her solo, titled "Garden of Eden" (which I totally forgot about the apple theme until I saw the piece later in the episode) where Crazy Cathy pep talks her dancer, Erica, about Brooke's skills, which she says is a lot of crawling around on her neck (sounds like how I dance, only it's more flailing with an attempt to make a point). She also says that while Brooke is a title holder, Erica is a double title holder, which I highly doubt. It's clear how delusional Cathy Hannigan has become when she says her studio is successful. Poor Vivi-Anne is still dancing there and she cuts her finger on her mother's ring. Vivi hopes she can overcome this injury so she and her speech impairment can dance this weekend. FREE VIVI! Especially now that her mother's stupidity is being rubbed off on her.
Back at the PA studio, Christi whips out the book for Jill-Cher, who vows to not let them get to her or her kid. Sure. Jill-Cher then pulls out the hair rats for the girls to wear since she couldn't find snoods. She thinks the rats are kind of ugly and she practices putting one on Melissa, so they go down to show JTL what they look like. There's more of the Bad Apples rehearsal, which looks a lot like the musical theatre dance class I would participate in back at Queensborough. Unlike here, the professor was absolutely cool and the people liked dancing. I really miss that class. Like a lot. ANYHOW, Paige gets yelled at while Kelly goes to deliver the props for the girls to practice with. JTL wants to know why her kids aren't doing that themselves, they know better. The two get into another pissing match. Kelly has no right to enter the classroom and JTL wonders if she's drunk. She proceeds to ask her this through the mezzanine window which, although uncalled for, is a skill I wish I had. Kelly begins to cry and wonder why she's putting her kids through the same torture she once endured as a dancer there. WHAT'S NOT CLICKING, KELLY???!!! God!
In Ohio, Crazy Cathy believes she has the home advantage. We'll see later. In PA, more rehearsing. Maddie can't wait to compete against the apples again. The costumes have arrived and boy are they ugly. The moms find that they aren't Katy Perry at all (thank god for that) so they get straight to fixing them up. While Christi confessionalizes about what kinds of lame tricks Cathy may have up her sleeve and bat wings, Gia! (complete with exlaimation point) arrives to ask Jill-Cher and Holly to come on down to observe the rehearsal a.k.a. see what your kids keep screwing up. There's more Jill-Cher suspicions and the moms suggest over the reasons why she and her daughter keep getting kicked out of studios, especially since the FLDC is so close to them.
Off to Ohio, where Jabba the Lee continues to berate the bus driver. Christi continues her witty commentary as she wonders why she feels the needs to bark directions when the driver has a GPS in front of him anyway. Team Suck-Up which consists of Melissa the Snatch and Jill-Cher bring Fatty Lee a gift of jewelry. Christi comments that Jabba the Lee TOTALLY comes to her mind whenever she shops. Christi, I am more than ready to move in and be a live-in maid. JTL jokes about how the next time these two go shopping, they should find her a husband. I almost puked at the thought.
At the hotel, Kelly gets an invitation to a soiree at Cathy's presidential suite. WTF. Well, they go anyway. Free drinks, you know. Crazy Cathy comments how whenever her team goes out, they go out in style. Well, sorry, you old wrinkly rich bitch, not everyone can be like you. Anyway, it seems that Crazy Cathy is trying to coax them away from JTL. Hmm... success despite humiliation or laughing stock? Christi continues to be wary of the deluded dance instrutor... well the one from Ohio anyway.
Competition time! GAME FACES EVERYONE. Crazy Cathy thinks her girls have real abs, which proves that she's still delusional. I mean, hasn't she SEEN the abs on Jabba's girls? Sans painting? After a brief confrontation where Jabba the Lee kind of forgot to remove a hair curler, they go to their room to prepare. Kendall has a bit more pressure to get off probation and get on the team. Holly is stressed over the hair this time and JTL freaks out over the snoods as some are thick crochet while others are thin nylon. Whatever, they found snoods. It doesn't help that JTL finds out about the soiree, kind of wants dirt on it but then is fumes over how Cathy went behind her back once again (uh, she's not at your studio anymore. Now, it's just her being a dumbass) and whines about Cathy's scheming. Before the performance, Crazy Cathy tries to shake the girls up by going to some of them and wishing them good luck, which is so obviously insincere. JTL's team goes first. I thought it was kind of cute and Christi thought they did very well. The Candy Assholes go next with a Spanish-themed number that's kind of sloppy and all over the place. Melissa thinks these girls are WAY older than their girls and JTL questions Crazy Cathy's integrity. After the performance, JTL bashes Kendall's musicality. The moms are concerned over the ages of the Apples while JTL is worried about being beaten by Cathy. Frankly, I was too since they were slightly better this time around and it does sound like punishment...
At the awards, Crazy Cathy comments on the girl's "Amish" hair styles while Christi fires back with "They're 40's hairstyles. You would know!" Candy Assholes gets 2nd while Jabba Lee gets 1st! Like there was a contest there but whatever. Kelly thinks JTL was right about the snoods while JTL makes a funny by saying "Time for pork chops and applesauce!" Crazy Cathy, however, is irritated that she once again lost to JTL and is outraged by the win. She goes over to the official to see the scores and, nope, JTL won all right. She's in disbelief. Oh shut up.
Solo time! JTL is relieved that the groups are over and done with while Brooke is starting to get nervous over the number. Her number is the same old Brooke acro stuff that I'm immensely jealous over but I do like her costume, the music and how she dances around the bedazzled apple.When she finishes (with no injuries for a change), Mackenzie does some weird hug/bodyguard stance off-stage which made me giggle. Erica from Team Candy does a piece titled "Through the Looking Glass". She dances with a mirror prop. She's not half bad and JTL is worried once more. However, Abigale, one of the competition officials, goes off to the Candy Apple team for some questioning. Some people in the audience are questioning Erica's age (see? It's not entirely Jabba's assumption) as they have seen her perform at other competitions in an older division. Cathy and Erica's mom tell Abigale and Leigh, another official, she's 14 and born in '97 but don't have proof of her birth certificate. Erica is in the wrong division and, thus, is disqualified. Leigh goes off to JTL to question Brooke as she's getting the same slack. Unlike Erica, Brooke was born in '98 and met the division deadline at 12 so she's in the running (or something like that). To prove it, Melissa and someone from JTL's studio fax over Brooke's certificate. And, surprise, Brooke wins first! You go, girl!
Jabba the Lee is shocked that Cathy would stoop so low as Erica is an amazing dancer. Had Crazy Cathy not been such an asswipe and entered her in the correct division, she could have won. Poor Erica... Well, Cathy won't leave without being a sore loser so she goes to stir up trouble with the JTL women. Cathy needs to grow up when she attacks how the moms are dressed and tries to counter JTL's claim that red and black has always been her company's colors with "Well, do you have a certificate?" (yeah, like that makes sense). She then attacks Christi's dress who proceeds to shoo her away with "BE GONE WITCH! YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE!" She then calls Cathy the "Geriatric Mean girl", cementing my love for her. Seriously, I can clean windows, floors, shine included.
Next time on the moms, they go head to head with the Assles once again. Oye...
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