ANTM All Stars: Laura the Warrior aka "Bitch Pills"

Last week, holier-than-thou Shannon was shipped back to the states after her second photo refusal on this series. Jumping straight into the action, Man-Face/Sue Snell is happy to have won the top photo again and claims to be the dark horse of the cycle. You and so many others but this time I agreed. She delivers the whole standard "I'm doing this for my family" speech that we all get. BB Gun ponders why she was on the bottom while Man-Face got the top. After the photo comparison, it should've been the other way around. Yep. She's THAT delusional. Joining her on the delusion wagon is Drunk Lisa who feels that Pullip, while being her biggest competition, is kind of dead. BB Gun decides to show some essence of humanity by asking Ms. Laura how it feels to be a runner up her cycle and make it this far this time around. Ms. Laura confessionalizes that the competition is wearing BB Gun down and if her confidence is gone, SHE'S gone. I really hope this won't send Ms. Laura home... Anyway, Tyra Mail arrives with the dreaded words, "Tomorrow, you will meet with the judges..." AND THAT'S IT. Ms. Laura believes this to be the scariest Tyra Mail EVAH, considering she was almost knocked out last time.

After the opening, Miss J delivers the answer: No one's getting kicked off (well, not then and there) but, instead, they're judging each other! By the way, Miss J is wearing some chiffon toga and his hair is in one really freaky-deaky braid/crown thingy.

Which I sometimes rock... but it's not as obnoxious.

It's basically a mock go-see for them, which Ms. Laura predicts will be a train wreck. Nothing interesting happens other than BB Gun calling all the girls' walks sloppy. Ms. Laura, however, must be reading my mind when it comes to evaluating portfolios while BB Gun continues to be a mean girl and calls Ms. Laura's NeNe shot bad. And then Miss J has the girls go up one at a time and announce who they think doesn't deserve to be called an "All-Star" (which, frankly, should be all of them because the three members of Team Face (yep, Man-Face is a part of that now)). Ms. Laura, who has learned a lot, announces that none of them really deserve to not be all stars. At first, I thought she was being nice, but since Pullip and Drunk Lisa (who looks way older than 30) follow suit so... carry on. Man-Face, still rocking her Sue Snell curls which work for her, breaks the trend by stating that BB Gun doesn't quite deserve it.  Well, in approximately 2.4 milliseconds, BB Gun turns into Miss Crabby Ass and rolls her eyes. Man-Face backs her claims by telling Miss Crabby Ass (her nickname for the time being) that she has to OWN who she is, and not talk it. Man-Face is practically speaking from the heart and doing this out of love.  Ms. Laura agrees with Man-Face but Miss Crabby Ass won't have none of it. Drunk Lisa notes that anytime MCA is given any critique, she gets all pissy over it and thinks it's an attack. This is making Ms. Laura mad! Like, she is mad! WAY too mad! Like, verge of tears mad (Oh girl... I have been there too many times before. And you're handling it better than I ever will)! Her speech to MCA is pretty much a Terms of Endearment Oscar Worthy moment. Well, MCA claims that she's struggled the most out of the girls there and it degenerates into a screaming match.

Ms. Laura continues her warrior crusade but the deaf MCA won't have any of it. She babbles on and on about them "attacking" her. It's too painful to each watch. Miss J places his hands on Ms. Laura's and Pullip's because, God forbid, they would be the ones to leap across the table and beat Miss Crabby Ass' crabby ass to the curb (how I'd love to see that happen). In a hissy fit, MCA grabs her bitch pills storms out of the room in way that reminds me of those teen moms who wonder why they can't do anything fun anymore (could be the kid you bore, you dumbasses). Anyway, she's not buying into their "We're doing this because we love you!" bit. Oh, grow some balls. Ms. Laura is still soooooo mad because of MCA's ignorance. Man-Face laments that MCA isn't ready for this competition YET. She's not emotionally stable YET. SHE'S. NOT. READY. YET. DAMN IT. Poor Ms. Laura is still on the verge of tears (HUGS!). Well, Miss J manages to talk her into coming back inside so she assumes to cocky position that's never so flattering. In her opinion, she says none of them, but I'm not entirely sure if it was for whether they are deserving to be all stars or not. Probably the latter.

Now, scorecards! Let's hope no one swiped theirs only to find that, on a scale from one to 10, they got for dance, 10 but for looks, 3. WELL! (Stop it right now, mind). The weakest girl overall? Pullip. HUH? Well, MCA sure is shocked, given her spectacular meltdown (or bitch pill overdose). But the strongest? Ms. Laura! YAHOO!!! She was worried since she belongs to my tribe of people: The Cute tribe where no one expects them to be beyond that. Drunk Lisa astutely observes that this is her advantage since she's kind of a silent storm. Miss J has a surprise for them: A day sightseeing Greece! Man, do they need it. The modeltestants waltz down to a yatch where they find someone who could very well be Drunk Lisa in a few years: Greek Socialite (that's a profession?) Twylem Pyper. She's pretty much just your normal socialite, asking for the 411 and just lookin' to chill. MCA continues her whining over the mock-cast call but I won't put any other mentions in this post because NO ONE CARES, MISS CRABBY ASS. It's all about Twylem taking the group out for swimming and fun!

After swimming (where Ms. Laura reminds us of her water phobia), Twylem takes 'em out to the club for drinks! Well, boy can SHE knock down some shots but the girls are less willing to do so. Poor Pullip is offered a shot every ten seconds by this woman so she gracefully and grandfully tosses the drink over her shoulder. I like the way this chick thinks. Drunk Lisa continues her sobriety while Ms. Laura drinks like a fish. In the end, MOST of them have a grand ol' time. No time for hangovers for Tyra Mail arrives with... no words? Wait, what? Oh, it's a picture of the images you see on Greek vases. Pullip hopes that it's something about statues. They're driven off to another gorgeous place where I would be sobbing in its beauty. Mr. Jay and his way too tight shorts tells them they will be posing as the ancient Olympians (with a fashionable twist of course). Your photog? Why, Nigel Barker of course! Man-Face is nervous since he's a judge and everything (no shit. Drink!). She's given the javelin (which she mispronounces) and Nigel asks her to try not to kill him. Man-Face does okay but she's getting tired of being compared to J.Lo. MCA offers her pointless opinion. Pullip is given the discus and practices with a purse... wait, that's her prop? Weird. But clever. She's worried since she was voted as the weakest girl. Nigel thought she awkward while Mr. Jay of the short shorts clan says she started off weak but got stronger in the end. Of course she did. She's Pullip.
Drunk Lisa gets Hurdles. Drunk Lisa did hurdles in high school. Drunk Lisa is snippy because the judges have seen her jump twice in photos and doesn't want to be slammed for it again. Drunk Lisa decides to tell Nigel, which spells trouble. Drunk Lisa ends up jumping instead. That's all for Drunk Lisa.
Ms. Laura is especially nervous as an archer, due to the bottom two thing from last week. Luckily for her, her beloved sister is an archer (for hunting I suppose). Nigel is impressed to hear this AND nervous, considering Ms. Laura also knows how to castrate a bull. She's given a ridiculous veil to wear in front of her face so she knows she has to push through the damn thing to get a good picture. Nigel calls her a warrior princess, so I knew she was in the clear this week.
Then it's Miss Crabby Ass' turn for the shot put. She really screws up the name and her photo shoot is a bomb. GO HOME.
Tyra Mail of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM arrives. Man-Face ponders the possibility of the models being judges again. Let me laugh that out of my system. She's more terrified by the fact that the last time she shot with Nigel, she was sent packing. Will history repeat itself? Pullip is nervous since she didn't do so well while BB Gun is hoping her personality is her saving grace. Well, I'M hoping Miss J brings Tyra and Co. those wonderful notes of her bitch pill fest.

Panel time! I'm guessing Tyra's theme this cycle is ill fitting vests. The guest judge is Miss J since Twylem is probably drunk off her ass somewhere in Greece. He's still doing that braided hairstyle thing that Tyra is jealous of. Note to self: NEVER use that hairstyle when I'm around Tyra. Oh, and Tyra thought it was a cheeky idea to call the girls up by their atrocious theme songs. No, no, no. Anyways...

-Pullip's photo is surprisingly solid for me, but Andre Leon Talley doesn't like the heel of her shoe sinking into the ground.
-Drunk Lisa IS WEARING NORMAL CLOTHING FOR ONCE. AND SHE LOOKS DECENT. I wept in happiness. Anyway, she soars in her hurdles shot, but I'm not digging the face. ALT doesn't like that she didn't point her foot.
-Man-Face's photo is kind of blah, which is odd since I thought she did pretty well in the photo shoot. It's not very well liked.
-BB Gun/Miss Crabby Ass screws up her sport once again and her photo is weak. She also apparently spray painted her face. Tyra calls her photo DEAD.
-Ms. Laura is in a sunny sunshiney dress! Can you tell how happy I am that she's allowed to wear heels this cycle? And her photo is OH MY GOD, IT'S GORGEOUS. ALT. however, is pissy about her knee but Tyra (and the universe) disagrees. She likes how Ms. Laura's body and bow has the viewer's attention. AND she pushed through the veil!

Geez, was Andre Leon Talley on bitch pills too? Or maybe he's upset that KELLY CUTRONE is replacing him? Probably the former. Anyway, during deliberations, Nigel likes how personable Ms. Laura is. She always has some story to tell and you're never bored with her. Yay! After hearing about BB Gun's tantrum from Miss J, Tyra questions how well she could handle being a correspondent (as part of the prize). Going by the looks on the judges' faces, it's safe to assume that it's not good news about that.

Top girl, obviously, is Ms. Laura! Victory dance for overcoming being mad! Bottom two, obviously, is Man-Face and BB Gun. Man-Face, you take phenomenal photos, but you're oddly not that memorable. BB Gun, you were Miss Crabby Ass this week. You don't take as wondrous photos as Man-Face, but you are memorable. BUT, we're concerned about how easily you break under pressure and, to be frank, it's unnerving.

With that, MCA is saved due to her making interesting television. History does repeat itself as Man-Face/Sue Snell is eliminated. I also get the feeling that whoever wears a little black dress to panel is the one going home, but it's just a theory. Well, she can't wait to see her family again and blah blah blah grateful opportunity blah blah blah... wait, who was she again? We'll miss you, sort of sane woman!

Next time: Tyra directs another video editorial (I think) and Tyson Beckford! I can only assume BB Gun will have another pants wetting moment ("Rae'Chelle" sure did) but that maaaaaaaaaaaay be sidetracked by another meltdown. Or seven. UGH.

What I should've written for college.

I figured I should post something that wasn't ANTM related. So here we are.

I originally found this on my friend Sheila's abandoned myspace (yep. THAT old) and I thought it was absolutely hysterical. Enjoy.

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*This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.*

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet i receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer i toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off stress, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago i discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

ANTM All Stars: Quoth the model, "Never nude."

Last week, Alexandria of the Duck Lips clan (and who also earned the newer nickname "Glenn Close") was told to "Go, Go, Go" after that horrendous music video challenge where all the songs sound like they could be used in an Abby Lee Dance Company dance routine. (Meanwhile, I can't WAIT for season two of Dance Moms with Jabba the Lee [or, on other sites, Fatty Lee Miller and, my favorite, Fatty McDance] and the other delusional moms... and Dr. Holly). Now, I sort of missed the opening since my brother just had to finish watching Family Guy or else the oceans will dry up but I probably didn't miss much. BB Gun is taking this competition seriously (shit, really?) while the adorable Pullip is feeling great and confident as she sports a headwrap. I was hoping they were redoing makeovers and give these girls something wild and exciting like shaving their hair off or asymmetrical cuts to lilac grey hair (still something I'd almost want to try but, since it wouldn't be practical, we move on. Maybe copper hair? Thoughts?) Leatherface is definitely focused son and wants to win (drink). She also tells us that she gets thousands of emails from girls saying she's their role model, making the adios edit look somewhat noble.

It's lunchtime! The girls are excited (probably because Bianca still has the pickles) but what the hell is Drunk Lisa drinking? Man-Face reminds us of how boring she is by telling us she misses her two children who are way too young to deal with their mommy making a fool out of herself on national television. BB Gun reminds us on how far she'll fall from grace as she states that she wants to like Man-Face but kind of can't because she thinks Man-Face is an "actress" and fake. Huh? Chica, she is no actress. None of these girls are. Anywho, BB Gun can't wait to see Man-Face crack under the pressure. Drunk Lisa's delusional confessionals in this episode begins when they arrive home and see Pullip's marvelous video (I really hope they muted it at the home otherwise blood probably would've been shed). Drunk Lisa believes that Pullip isn't everything the judges are asking for and believes she herself is. Well, did Pullip go to rehab?

ALT enters wearing that hideous robe and kasa combination (STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN) to announce he has brought the girls dinner! Yay food! He's brought along two fahlaaayming dancing waiters (who I'm most definitely sure were hustling on rodeo drive and, unfortunately, ran into ALT. Spare the prostitutes!) Complete with porn/5th grade acting, they get mad at one another for screwing up the routine and proceed to break the large plates they were carrying. ALT proves that he really needs to brush up on his French as he disapproves of their "gauche" behavior (Their behavior was "left", Andre? Oh, wait, intelligence isn't welcomed in fashion). He brings up that breaking plates is a tradition in other countries... like GREECE. In celebration, the girls scream (what else) but also break lots and lots of plates. I love spontaneous fine china breaking! Reminds me of fun family gatherings, but I'm sure certain restaurants will never allow my family back in again after we broke a saucer, two glasses and my aunt scuffed the table with her shoe (keep in mind, we're not Greek. We're Irish). We're definitely party animals. ANYWHO, the gay guys return in togas (probably because they were tired of wearing shoes for twenty minutes) and they dance.

Ms. Laura is super duper excited about all this! She's proud that she's made it this far and being the shortest girl in the cycle (5'6"). Plus, she's never been overseas! Don't forget, she went to Hawaii because Tyra set a double standard on the midget cycle and decided they weren't going to go overseas to Japan, where the girls would be lost in the crowd of people around their height. This cycle is pretty much a whole bunch of firsts for her, as I totally forgot she never received a first call out her cycle but FINALLY got one this cycle (the MJ one)... actually, that's kind of sorry. Actually, I dedicated this paragraph to her because I haven't shown my love for her yet and I'd rather not continue the last paragraph with "She's excited!" only to follow with the freaky deaky opening. Anyway, the freaky deaky opening plays, and it's sort of growing on me. I miss Kayla. Just saying.

The women quickly pack all their belongings and are zoomed over to Athens, Greece, with gorgeous tourist video shots. BB Gun proves how shallow she is by thanking Tyra for providing her with a free vacation once again (what? Australia wasn't enough for you?) Well, they aren't staying in Athens for very long as Miss J and some gorgeous Greek woman whose name I forgot (it's Vicky Kaya, host of Greek Next Top Model equivalent. Thank you Wikipedia). They're off to the island of Crete for a press conference where they must deliver a one minute speech. Drunk Lisa continues her delusional confessionals by emphasizing what it means to be an all star and blah blah blah, oh shut up, you're not all that. You're just another dancing monkey on a whack-a-doo show which I obsess over because it's that entertaining and ridiculous to see grown women cry over hair. The prize is an EXPENSIVE PIECE OF JEWELERY. OOOoooooooooooo! Immediately, I knew Ms. Laura was in trouble due to her lysdexia-- um, DYSLEXIA which, luckily, was kept at a minimum. The girls have the whole flight over to work on their speeches but Miss J notices that BB Gun isn't doing anything. Her excuse? She plans to speak from her heart, or something like that, and she feels that writing it down won't make it genuine anymore. I sort of agree there but this isn't Charm School. And she, too, is wearing a head wrap. Are they trying to be Little Edie? Ms. Laura is now nervous because important people are there at the airport to hear them talk. Important people like the mayor! And the newspapers! Bless her heart.

Drunk Lisa emerges from the plane first and attempts to stop her microskirt from blowing up due to the strong winds and revealing she's not wearing panties. She kind of bombs her speech by ending it with an American "rock n' roll" battle cry. Crickets. Pullip's turn and she does her best from keeping her hair from flying in her face. She does pretty well, even though it sounds like a high school speech class assignment riddled with Greek words that Greek Model Host thought she pronounced well. And, oddly, I wasn't bored too. Leatherface delivers a dumpy speech and tried too hard. Man-Face and her hideous dress does so-so but what is it with these girls fascination with Greek food? Oh wait, they're models. They don't eat. IT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH WHEN LAURA GOES. Unfortunately, the Wind god isn't in her favor and she can't read her speech without it ripping from her hands so she delivers an enthusiastic speech from the top of her head, complete with inaccurately saying she'd be Venus (That's Roman. It's APHRODITE. Still love you) and speaking a questionable attempt at Greek. Hey, it's something I'd do too. BB Gun does okay until she blows it by asking "where the baño at", and continues to screw up by proudly saying that baño in Greek means bathroom. Really, 'cause here I thought it sounded like Spanish. Miss J tells them that they'll know the winner later at their new home away from home.


The girls are transported to the Blue Palace resort and spa and I immediately felt the urge to move and live there. The girls explore their new digs complete with Ms. Laura dancing in the bathroom just 'cause she could. Miss J is waiting for them and delivers his criticism. Man-Face was a bit nervous, Leatherface was "excited" but not nearly as excited as Ms. Laura, which was SUPER-CHEERLEADER-EXCITED!!!!! Pullip was fantastic (duh) and Drunk Lisa was dressed innappropriately. All this time, she thought politicos loved skimpy outfits. Yeah, they love them on secretaries with bad perms, they themselves don't wear them, you idiot (also, thanks for making me vomit as an image of George W. Bush wearing a teddy emerged in my thoughts). BB Gun realizes her "bathroom" attempt was a mistake and Man-Face confessionalizes that she wished she coulda helped her. Oh well.


The winner is Pullip! Yay! She wins a gorgeous bracelet (that I could probably find at Hot Topic and spray paint it gold but, still, it's nice) by jeweler person Lina Fanouki who named it the "Scarlett O' Hara" ("Prissy" [one of my alters/characters] emerged at this point expressing disdain that it wasn't named after her. She left to "pray" about Mrs. Pierce and tell the congregation all about it... nyeh, you had to be there). Drunk Lisa or BB Gun... well, one of the members from Team Heel claimed that Pullip won by default. Sucky sewer losers don't get prizes for stanky attitudes.


Mr. Jay pops in the next morning to reveal that FOR THE FIRST TIME EVAH, the models get to collaborate with a BIG NAME DESIGNER to create their runway finale gown. Man-Face is excited since she would feel like a celebrity like Beyonce or J-Lo. Get some better references, woman. Anyway, creepy designer Michael Cinco helps 'em out. Wanna bet Drunk Lisa's coming up with something skanky? Oh, Mr. Jay adds, don't forget only two of you will get their dress. Well, duh, we knew that. The girls get 5 minutes with Creepypants but it's not that interesting, even when Man-Face wants something sparkly dangling from her crotch. Poor Ms. Laura feels sick the next morning but she's a trooper for going to the photo shoot. Y'know, with her sunburn drama her cycle and the sick factor now, maybe they shouldn't let her travel outside of the country anymore.


The photoshoot will have the girls posing in a gigantic Greek salad bowl (complete with salad) and pose in underwear... but the predictable happens when Leatherface's leather face falls. She has made it VERY CLEAR THAT SHE DOESN'T POSE IN LINGERIE. Oh, get over it. At least it's not in the nude. (PS I love that the remaining members of Team Face, Ms. Laura and Pullip, are doing that close friends support thingy, probably because Ms. Laura doesn't have the energy to stand). Pullip thinks the undawears look like bathing suits and she thinks it's adorable. Aww! Leatherface whines to the dresser woman but she shoots her down. You go, dresser woman!
Man-Face goes first and she wants the audience at home (yes, THEY KNOW WE'RE WATCHING) want to do things like this too. Well, *I'M* definitely game (act surprised). She's elated due to the positive feedback since, during her cycle, she was often criticized for looking hoochie or draggy. Leatherface states that she wants this but doesn't want to do this shoot due to her beliefs. Drunk Lisa is "happy" for Leatherface for handling it well. I just bet she's happy because she knows Leatherface could get her ass shipped back to the states for this protest (which BB Gun states for us a bit later. Shocker). Nevertheless, Mr. Jay basically calls her hypocritical. In the end, Leatherface sticks to her guns and refuses to do the shoot. It was nice knowin' ya, sweetie.
BB Gun goes and doesn't do that great since she's kind of weak physically as a person. Ms. Laura is miserable. She has a headache and her stomach hurts (poor thing. Seriously) so she and a member of the crew decide to walk it off. Pullip finally admits to being a vampire-- oh, wait, she has vampire eyes meaning that her eyes are super sensitive to bright sunlight. She also compares stepping into the salad to stepping into organs. JOIN THE FAMILY, DARLING. Her eyes are closed throughout the whole shoot which could mean trouble. Drunk Lisa is excited as always but, behind the scenes, Mr. Jay calls her a mean girl. My love is solidified for this man. Basically, she pours olive oil on her bum and acts like she's in a porno. GO HOME. Ms. Laura is worried that she won't be able to give it her all and that, even though Leatherface didn't participate, she could still stay, thus placing her for elimination. She doesn't do so well and Mr. Jay thought she looked like a little girl than a model, which unfortunately reminded me of that French company that's making lingerie FOR NINE YEAR OLDS (open at your own risk).


The Tyra Mail of Doom arrives and Pullip notes that they can't expect the obvious that Leatherface is going home because, hey, who knows with Crazy Tyra? Speaking of, Leatherface is nervous about explaining herself to the judges, which I think is because she doesn't have someone to fall back with like when she refused to pose nude. At panel, Tyra continues to think wearing a tight green vest is going to work but finally manages to return to us here in fashion land where she embraces the 70's trend and wears not-tight fitting pants. The photographer is the guest judge so no one cares about him. And now, the breakdown...


-Pullip models off her new bracelet. Nigel thinks her photo is pretty good, even with her eyes closed. I agree.
-BB Gun looks like a man in her photo, for me, but it's okay. However, she admits that she felt awkward, which makes the photographer admit that if she felt awkward, so did her, and that's no good.
-Drunk Lisa is in yet another hideous outfit and her photo isn't so great. The photographer thought she was confused and Tyra thinks that it looks more like a swimsuit shot. Can't anyone just LISTEN to what the objective is for these shoots?
-Leatherface... has no photo y'all! While Nigel slams her for her beliefs, Tyra notes that it's nice to see someone with some restrictions than those girls who are willing to do ANYTHING in the business (in the bad sense). Instead, the judges will look at her body of work throughout the cycle, sealing the deal on her fate.
-Man-Face sports a curly mane and some weird looking outfit which makes her look a lot like Amy Irving in Carrie. (btw, I never knew she was the one singing this! Weird!) Her photo is all sorts of uh-mazing.
-Ms. Laura is looking as sweet as ever, but her pic is a dud. Nigel calls it erotic. NOOOOO! DON'T SEND HER HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!


Deliberations aren't interesting as always as Tyra is the only one defending Leatherface's hypocrisy. She thinks girls need a stance like hers in the modeling world. Then again, Tyra is the one who usually points out that the modeling world DOESN'T CARE about those beliefs. She's not changing the world.


Man-Face/Sue Snell wins the top spot, of course. The southern chicks Ms. Laura and Leatherface? Come on down! WOW is Ms. Laura short! WHAT COULD BE IN TYRA'S HANDS? BLANK PIC, BRA PIC? Torment? Torture? The lady, the tiger--- oh wait, wrong show. *Ahem* Tyra wants to know what Ms. Laura's brand word is (loveable) and tells her that her photos haven't been living up to that. Just what the hell is Tyra huffing? Leatheface, however, is pure to her brand and Tyra admires that nobility, but the others find it confusing.


To the surprise of absolutely no one, Leatherface is eliminated. Tyra tells her it wasn't just the photoshoot this week but her performance was kind of sucky this time around. She never got a top photo or won a challenge and, frankly, was kind of boring. Well, Leatherface isn't too upset. She has no regrets and believes she handled herself with class (thank goodness) and we get to hear her theme song and see her Neutrogena video one last time.


Next week: The girls go get wasted. They are also asked to critique each other in the first cycle's judging room as BB Gun reverts to the bitchy, classless cycle 12 auditioner who can't take criticism well as she claims the girls "attacking her" where Ms. Laura the Warrior fires back "Well, *YOU'RE* attacking *ME!*"

The Project Runway Finale and the death of Reality Show suspense (for me anyway)

So, I missed the final episode of the recent season of Project Runway because I went to a Halloween party at school (and had a grand ol' time! My back and hips were sore for a whole week!) but, thanks to teh internets, I still found out who won. Then, last night, I finally got around to watching the episode (via OnDemand *crosses self*) but, since there's nothing so gripping about the designers crying for an hour, I'll go with a simple review of what I thought of the collections.
Kimberly's looked totally all over the place. I only liked the dress that Tim and she thought "popped" on the runway. But that bubble skirt was hideous.
Joshua's wasn't much better, and he definitely needs a slap across the face. No one likes 'tudes like that, honey. I did like how he managed to tone down his loud tastes (I thought the green he used was nice), but it wasn't that wonderful.
Viktor's collection was nice and chic, of course, but I felt that it was very, VERY restricted and uncomfortable.
Anya's pieces looked absolutely lovely and you can definitely tell they were "Anya" pieces. I kind of wished she didn't have so many girls walking in flats, but, then again, who wears high heels in the Caribbean (aside from that paparazzi whore Courtney Stodden)?
However, no interesting music for me to search.

Other tidbits: Silver shoes and short dresses don't mix well at 3 AM, especially after watching the "Our America" episode where Lisa Ling investigates sex trafficking in the DC area. And Anya almost made me want to buy/ask for a pair of those Minnetonka Boots. Almost (Although, it's really hard to find boots that I like that are fashionable. However, I can only find pairs that look like I work on a construction site or as hideous as the ones Joshua wore. And the ones I do like are women's, and they look weird on me. But fringe? No no.).

Anyway, Anya the Great won? YAY!!... And, for some strange reason, not particularly that surprising. Don't get me wrong, the sheer fact that she only came into the competition with only 4 months of sewing experience and a presence that made it seem like she had sugar cookies somewhere on her person. Plus, she killed a cockroach with a stiletto. But, for strange reason, I wasn't totally surprised. Could it be that the other designers weren't as particularly memorable/talented/only had prunes stashed in their underpants? *Shrugs*

But, what's really strange is that it's happening a lot in the reality competitions I've been watching. So I'm either really clairvoyant or something shady is going on behind the scenes. Or the winners are truly that talented/amazing that it wasn't much of a stretch to tell they were going to win. It's probably that last one I mentioned... or the first, but definitely not the second.

I'll start with the past two winners from ANTM... first with ANN WARD. The unpredictable beauty from Dallas, TX who had a deep man voice and stood at an usual 6'2" (though, in my family, particularly on my mother's side, she'd fit in just fine. I mean, most of my aunts and my grandpa stand at about 6 feet tall or taller. My mother was 5'8" and I'm a little under 5'10". On my dad's side, however, she'd look like a freak since no one is taller than 5'6"). But, with 5 straight first call outs, there's no chance Ann was going to lose to that, uh, other girl who had no FCOs at all... what was her name again? Chelsey? Stacey? Queen Potatoes? That Blonde-Always-Running-Behind-ANN-Chick? Plus, the Italians were practically fawning over her. And, when someone like Diane Von Furstenberg says you have a big career in this, well, that pretty much seals the deal.
Then, we look at "Trailer Park" Brittani from cycle 16 (and, oddly, because of her and my Aunt Nora, I realized I barely have any friends named Brittani/Brittany/Britteny/Brittanee/etc. to our surprise). Her sob story of growing up in a trailer park, her phenomenal makeover which also earned her my nickname "Lucille" and somewhat winning personality? Winner material right there. Though, "Sailor" Molly was definitely winner worthy too so who knows really.

Of course, there's Miss Melanie Moore, whose presence was so magnificent, I gave her lots of nicknames when she competed in SYTYCD (settling on "THE Queen Melanie"). There was no way she was going to lose after seeing her audition piece (and solos). Plus, no bottom two appearances, always high marks for the pieces she did... she earned that 47% voting sweep that made her the winner. Also, I WANT HER HAIRSTYLE.

And then there's Raja from Drag Race. Now, to be honest, I've never really watched the show before and the only reason I watched this season was because I recognized Raja (Sutan Amrull) as one of the makeup artists on ANTM for a few seasons. Compared to the other queens, it was kind of easy to see that Raja definitely had experience that they didn't really have, especially since she was 36 when she competed and has been in the business for over 20 years.

So my question is... have these kinds of competitions become too predictable now? Or is it a way to keep the general audience happy? Or maybe I'm just thinking about things too much.

ANTM All Stars: It Ain't Over till the Crazy One Makes You Sing

Well, this particular episode was pretty much shit, to be perfectly frank, and I don't care if many four lettered words come flying out in this recap. No, it has nothing to do with my other girlfriend, Kayla, being eliminated last episode. But I digress...

The remaining gals are both surprised (really?) and relieved that Bianca was finally given the heave ho. What I don't get is why some of them were talking about the "surprise" elimination. Last episode, they were all suspecting it to be a double so it wasn't that much of a surprise for anyone. BB Gun insists that she IS the all star. And I'm the Queen of France. Drunk Lisa immediately loses whatever form of redemption she gained from the previous episode by announcing, "IT'S ME AGAIN!" as soon as they arrive home. She continues by saying that it's karma and it's definitely what she deserves ...yeah, a boot for her ass. Since monkey poo hasn't been flung in her face yet, karma will have to take a back seat. Pullip and Ms. Laura, the remaining members of Team Face, have a nice discussion and Pullip admits that's she's just a teensy bit introverted. No time to dwell on that as Tyra Mail arrives... but it's a video message from a ridiculously adorable little girl named Madison. She's teaching them how to put on makeup (Drunk Lisa, take some notes!). She's, like, 6. Man-Face tells us she's a "Youtube Sensation", which is when I was starting to not like where this episode was going. Madison tells 'em to "keep the beat", to which BB Gun suggests that it has something to do with music.

As it turns out, she's right on the money. The next day, Mr. Jay tells them that they are given the chance to go VIRAL by writing their own songs and making their own music videos. Okay, I won't be fucking around but these girls are in no way viral worthy material. They shouldn't have to subject themselves to that kind of crap. Why am I being so critical about this subject? Well, for starters, Mr. Jay provides the answer by pointing out the viral impact music sensations Rebecca Black and Justine Bieber had. Oh, I definitely know that impact. The impact of the strong desire to hurl bricks at them. And I don't want to do that to Ms. Laura (though, she'd probably deflect bullets with her lovable charm)!
Second, it seems like everyone and their mother wants to make it big by going viral, and most fail miserably/end up embarrassing themselves (which is why I never post any of my "Dear..." videos on Youtube... or of "Rae'Chelle"). Even close people I know who are trying to do this via skits where they use the same tired crutch and the misuse of the word "gay" no matter how many scathing, sarcastic remarks I make about it. And they wonder why I'm so pissy? Well,  maybe it's because I don't like shit on a stick.

Rant sort of over.

The girls get 20 minutes to listen to the tracks made for them already (handy) so all they have to do is write the lyrics. The girls with the BEST lyrics gets a visit from her loved one. Leatherface wants to win because she hasn't seen her husband in the past month! JUST ONE MONTH?! Weaktit. Basically, it's all shots of the girls writing music and telling us at home (and the guy who does something in the music industry, I forgot who he was and what he does) what the lyrics mean and if he likes it. Drunk Lisa has a bit of an edge since she's a musician so no surprise that she wins. Poor Pullip is having a hard time because she's can't sing! And she's having difficulty trying to come up with lyrics. She ends up being inspired by her dad who passed away a year-- y'know, I've had enough of the dead relatives already. You can tell from my previous Project Runway post. Nevertheless, the guy LOVES the lyrics. Yay!

It's here where I sort of wondered what kind of dance floor anthem Kayla would have sung, but since it would have the word "Free" thrown around like a hot potato, I'm glad we'll never know. Anyhow, Music Man tells the girls it came down to two: BB Gun and Drunk Lisa, with the latter winner. BB Gun exclaims, "This bitch needs to stop winnin'!" And Drunk Lisa gets to meet her fiance, whom I suspect must have remarkable fortitude. He seems like a sweet man, and with that camera shot of the bed, we know they were shackin'. Yawn. The next day, the girls arrive at the Village recording studio place and Music Man throws a little twist: The girls must incorporate the phrase "Pot Ledom" into their songs. What in blue balls name does that mean? Is Tyra promoting her own line of cannabis? BB Gun quickly (and eeriely) answers: It's "Top Model" backwards! Uh, while true, it's not. Technically, it's modeL toP backwards. Backwards, it'd have to be ledom pot. You know, like redrum. Or racecar. The sheer fact that I figured this out scares me. Send help. Preferably Xanax. Or Paxil. Pullip freaks out once again, but at this point I stopped caring for a bit. Girl, I want to be best friends with you, BUT THIS IS THE DUMBEST CHALLENGE I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW! Don't cry! We still love you!

During the recording session, Drunk Lisa decides to go last so she won't be influenced by the other girls... and they won't be influenced by her. Uh, sure. Most of these girls kind of sound pretty good. Kind of. And they have a grand old time dancing around in the studio. It's nice to see some humanity in them. The moment of truth comes when Pullip records her song. BB Gun panics about Pullip's ANN WARD factor: The one where she can do no wrong. Well, Pullip starts a'singin' and BB Gun starts a'swearin' (comically), though Pullip's voice sounds NOTHING like her. It's spooky. Duck Lips records her song and ponders the possibility of becoming a recording artist. Well, as long as we don't have to see you on shows like this again, go for it. She also dons sunglasses, which Man-Face believes is helping Duck Lips get into character. Are these girls' brain cells dying over the course of this challenge? Don't answer that. Leatherface thinks Drunk Lisa could be a star, but I only wrote that because I was laughing too much. Then the fiance comes and goes.

It's time to shoot the music videos as Mr. Jay nearly runs over the girls in a car. He is impressed and so proud of what they all accomplished so far. Poor Pullip just wants to get this over and done with. He brings up the viral bullshit once again. He also brings in the director for all the videos, rapper Game. BB Gun wets her pants once again. Seriously, how many times is this lady going to go crazy whenever a celebrity who shoulda had better sense enters the foray? Do you see the other girls doing that? I don't want to know what happens if Whitney Houston comes by. Thankfully, there are much fewer girls left so I can shove them all into the next paragraph about what happens...

Man-Face looks and sounds like a J. Lo drag queen. She keeps dropping it like it's hot when she's REALLY just dropping cause she's a klutz. Duck Lips, who's song at first sounded like a Kylie knock off, is told she must be MARRIED to the car but doesn't do much of anything. Game says, "Not enough time to put oil in the Tin Man". Love= Skyrocketed. Before the shoots continue, Tyra enters in a ridiculous $2 costume with "Pot Ledom" (another phrase I never want to hear for a while, like free. Both backwards and forwards). Assisting her in the crazy bid for attention is Youtube celebrity Keenan Cahill, who I never watched on Youtube anyway so who cares. So, no, this crap ain't going viral. Leatherface stars in a Neutrogena commercial and Drunk Lisa impresses Man-Face. Ms. Laura looks like she's either on the set of Saturday Night Live or doing a remake of Puddle of Mudd's "She Hates Me". Duck Lips sings some of Ms. Laura's song since she loves it so much. Eee! BB Gun looks like a mess and Pullip and Game engage in a deep conversation over their recently departed loved ones (her dad, his grandma). Yay, more humanity! She is wearing Esther's nightdress (from Orphan) and I'm positive the video will give my Aunt Mary Ann nightmares. Bless her heart. This is code for my liking it. Bless my heart. She's proud of herself, especially given all the panic attacks she's been having because of it.

Because I needed to listen to some decent music, I just opened my music player when this Victoria's Secret commercial started playing. It took me 15 seconds to locate the music.

Panel time (with no Tyra Mail!)! Tyra is wearing an unfortunate blazer (sobs), ALT is back in his gumpa hat (more sobs) and Nigel and Game look decent. Tyra proves why she should never sing ever again by belting out Mariah style... BREAKDOWN

-Man-Face, "Tooch Ya Booty". It's Rumble Roses material. This means it's BAD. But not so bad. Tyra tells her to exaggerate her mouth so it looks like she's really singing. A bit too late for that advice...
-Ms. Laura, "Southern Sweet Girl". She REALLY looks like Courtney Love now. I just wish she did more in her video. COME JOIN OUR FAMILY, SWEETHEART.
-BB Gun, "I'm Here". Another Rumble Roses entrance song. Her video was as flat as Kansas but she recognized that she sucked and can definitely do much better. Good for you! It's during this critique where Tyra notes that people are listening to music now with their eyes so BB Gun really should have been punching in her video. Uh, not according to almighty songbird Adele who quipped a few months ago, "I make music for the ears, not for the eyes." Another one to join the family (Adele I mean).
-Duck Lips, "Go, Go, Go..." Remember when I said it sounded like a Kylie knock off? I take that back. The song's okay, the video sucks as she doesn't do anything interesting.
-Leatherface, "World Go Round". She looks a bit like Natasha Bedingfield/Sheryl Crow in the video. Nigel doesn't see the glint in her eye. Maybe she was trying to pull a Pullip moment.
-Drunk Lisa, "I Be like Whoa!" Girl, you're not Lady Sovereign. ALT thinks she has Missy Elliot's energy. It's pretty solid, I'll admit.
-Pullip, "Underwater". It reminded me a LOT of Kerli's videos and it could have been three times better without the Blunder Twins hogging the screentime. If it were just her, it would've been great. Nevertheless, I'D BUY THE DAMN SONG. Game says she is WEIRD (in the best way possible) and Tyra says she was penetrated emotionally.

Was Tyra really serious with this "viral" shit?

Top girl: Pullip! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Bottom 2: Duck Lips and BB Gun

Duck Lips, you have potential but your video SUCKED. BB Gun. It's your third time in the bottom. Your video made everyone uncomfortable.

Well, Duck Lips gets sent packing. She cries, natch, and she's proud of how far she's gone. Or something like that. We won't really miss you.

NEXT WEEK: Gumpa ALT is back in the kasa (WHY?!), the girls head for Greece and there's an underwear shoot! GUESS WHO'S NERVOUS.