The new opening for this season is kind of sucky and the weird opening after makes my head spin. We're shown an armored car approaching Parsons so something weird is bound to happen. On the runway, two guards enter and the designers, especially Inga, are terrified, mostly because of the guns they're possessing. But soon something scarier turns up: Heidi with the button bag of doom. Kate is mortified and prays they're not doing a team challenge so early in the game. But first, let's see why the guards are here. Heidi and her ill-fitting top explain that the two men are here for millions and millions of reasons... which take the form in DIAMONDS, DIAMONDS, and more DIAMONDS. The models all enter wearing delectable pieces, looking all glittery, while Jeremy immediately designs in his head. After Heidi orgasms, she explains that the models are wearing almost $30 million dollars worth of DIAMONDS and other gems. These pieces will serve as the inspiration for the challenge. If I were there, I would be terrified to even breathe on these things, so the designers are all worked up in a tizzy in excitement.
With the exception of Twit-mothy, who wants nothing to do with money and finds that such things are superficial. This is the man who wore jewel encrusted heels last time and is currently competing for a prize package worth half a million dollars. Since he won the last challenge, Bradon picks first, and then the models are whittled down one by one. Nastasia (or whatever her name is) is picked by Prissy Punk Helen so I can only assume that she wet her pants the second she left the stage because she wouldn't be working with the douche again. Unfortunately, for the last girl, Sophie, Twit-mothy is the last designer so she's saddled with him. I'm also pretty sure she cringed. Now the the models are chosen, it's time to sketch!
In the workroom, we find that, because of how easy it is to "accidentally" take something so expensive, the designers are working with pictures of the jewelry. We also find that Dom shares my views in expensive things, with being afraid of touching it or something like that. Tim Gunn explains the Go-Bank situation, saying that the designers can manage their own money and are given $4000 for the entire season. He also says that the designers only have one day for this challenge, and Alexander provides a great sound bite by saying his bowels dropped when he heard that. Loudmouth Sandro runs around proclaiming his ideas for his design while Bradon just wants to take only one of the microscopic jewels. And then there's Twit-mothy. His idea revolves around a jewelry box made of velvet. Because that makes sense. Kahindo, on the other hand, FINALLY gives us some of her back story. She's going to design from an African point of view (she's from Uganda), while the other designs throw around the idea of evening gowns.
On our first Mood trip of the season, Karen is pumped. Tim advises the designers to not go batshit crazy with the money and sends them off to scurry with 45 minutes to shop. As Dom aims for the silk prints (ooooooooh), Twit-mothy beelines for... the garbage area. He deserves to be smacked. As Twit-mothy claims he's "at home", Tim tries to knock some sense into him by mentioning that, yes, Mood actually has organic fabrics, but that's ignored as Twit claims to remain true to himself. As Sue in her fabulous caftan searches for material, Loudmouth Sandro explains that he aims to make a shin length dress. I'm pretty sure ANY length dress is better than what happened last time. In the five minutes the designers have left, Twit actually finds blue velvet! We also get a glimpse that most of the designers are within the standard $200 range so they ain't stupid. And so, we bid adieu to Mood and Swatch, who I'm thrilled is still around.
Now, let's get on the getting the fabrics on. Kate worries that her design may turn out costumey but her vision is to make her model look like she can rule a country. Kind of like how Anna Kendrick could have a dancer's body and end world hunger with it. Then, there's a bit of a ruckus coming from the sewing room. Now, I wonder who can it be? Why it's Loudmouth Sandro, who's arguing with Ken ('memba him?) about messing up the machines and shouting at him to shut up. Yeah, I have no idea where this fight is going but Justin has the right idea and, after saying the fighting makes him nervous, removes the implant and continues sewing. Karen, however, has another tactic and goes kindergarten teacher on as she requests that we have "Hugs and Kisses" in the room. For that, she skyrocketed to being one of my favorites. Inga, the coolest broad ever, believes that Loudmouth's tirade (at decibel levels that match my brother's whenever he plays the Xbox or, according to me, the Shitbox) is just hiding his insecurities about how horrible his technical skills are. She suggests to everyone in the room to stop talking to him like she's a wildlife expert. Then Ken suggests Sandro is on his period.
Moving on, it's Aunt Sue's turn to recap the challenge this week. Bradon mentions that he does this all the time, designing garments around millions worth of jewels and-- oh wait, he's just kidding. HA! Kahindo is worried because her fabric is a lovely silk charmuse but she's never worked with it before. Justin, her neighbor, is also concerned because the fabric looks like camouflage. Tim Gunn enters for the RuPaul visits and, once again, enters a silent room. We're starting with Dom today, who Kate sees as a silent threat. Dom wants her outfit to reflect on the emeralds but Tim worries that it may turn out like something a Palm Springs gold digger would wear. Elsewhere, Inga's trim worries Tim while Sandro has no idea what she's doing. As Sue plans to show off the necklace, Justin is advised to get rid of the layers he has. However, Justin would rather go with his gut and, since he's not Twit, I'll let it slide. Bradon's gown is very gorgeous and Alexander finds it beautiful. Another surprise? The fabric was extremely cheap! It's actually a curtain fabric that looks expensive. Clever.
On to Kahindo. She's aiming to do something small and detailed, which matches her aesthetic. The yellows and browns in the dress would match the gold of the jewelry. Tim, however, is not pleased with the puckering and Jeremy believes that the dress looks kind of barfy. Kahindo is taken aback by the harsh criticism but goes with Tim's clever idea to cover the print with organza to hide the puckering. Tim moves on to Kate, who he can tell it's obviously her work. Alexander likes it but believes it looks too much like a Vivienne Westwood gown. Well, at least it's not a knock-off, KENLEY. Sandro, who has rubies, aims for a 50's inspiration but Dom finds that questionable. Prissy Punk Helen aims for a red carpet look, which is deemed by Jeremy to be too complicated. Over to Alexander, he describes the dress as multiple layers of chiffon, just enough to cover the country of Sri Lanka. Tim calls it "Granny" and Alexander's boner deflates.
So let's move on to an obvious bottom entry: Twit. His dress is covered with blue velvet, probably the most tackiest velvet I have seen. It also has a box covering the boobs. Ken finds Tim's expression absolutely hilarious. Miranda the Riveter finds the outfit a hot mess and, when Tim tries to give Twit some advice, Tim wonders if Twit is even listening to what he's saying. Duh, of course not, and Tim also says the dress is a hot mess. After Tim leaves the designers, Twit feels like a kicked puppy but Kahindo feels he has no idea who he even is as a designer. This is emphasized when Twit goes around asking EVERYBODY for advice, which annoys Bradon. Elsewhere, Prissy Punk Helen is going around giving her opinion, mostly unprompted, and Ken gives a hilarious stank face because of it. Kahindo continues to work with the organza but sees that she has a lot of work ahead of her.
The models arrive for the fittings so let's see what whack job idea Twit has in store for us THIS week. Inga is not amused and believes he should go back to school. But Inga! School isn't for pseudo-sustainable artists! It explains a lot! His model justifiably looks confused and must be feeling the pain Nastasia (or whatever her name is) felt last time. So, let's get a breath of fresh air from Kate. Her model loves the garment but I burst out laughing seeing how teeny Kate is compared to her.
With an hour to go, Helen wants to get a fishtail on her gown but believes the time restraints suck. Well, yeah, but this is what you signed up for right? RIGHT?! Much like how season 10 was filled with arrogant dimwits, this season is filled with oblivious dimwits. Anyway, she's worried it will look like garbage. In the sewing room, Aunt Sue, who hasn't gotten a lot of screen time this week, finds herself screwed because someone accidentally tampered with her machine. Seriously, why do these guys do that? Aren't there enough machines in there for each person? But, more importantly, DID YOU NOTICE THAT TWIT WAS USING AN ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE?!?!?!?! HYPOCRITE!!!! Back to Sue's predicament, someone has switched the threads and goes into the work room and politely asks who switched her black thread to green and if they can help her re-set it. Jeremy, however, bitches that she's just making up excuses. Since it was Dom who did it, she helps. Then, for no reason, Sue begins to flip out and dropping obscenities. Dom then declares she won't help Sue anymore, even if the stress might be the reason behind her outburst but maybe I'm just being too rational. Again.
Runway day arrives. Kahindo has lost her Bjork hairstyle and put it in a nice side sweep. She's dressed in a nice orange dress so Inga calls her a 60's go-go dancer, which prompts Kahindo to do a little dancing. One of the girls in the room, I think Kate, advises her that she probably shouldn't wear her big doorknocker earrings when they have $30 MILLION DOLLARS OF DIAMONDS on the runway and, hilariously, Kahindo takes them off. In the men's room, Loudmouth Sandro calls Twit "Amish" (eeh) and believes he's going home next. The other guys try to chalk up his absurdity with his juvenile behavior but Sandro isn't having it.
The home stretch in the workroom finds Sandro asking for a pin to sew on his "hookers". The entire room laughs but I'm pretty sure he got it as well. Prissy Punk Helen has a lot of things to do, all of them that she's never even tried to do before, such as a bust cup. Alexander thinks it's kind of dumb to do that NOW. The models arrive and the chaos ensues as always. Twit is thrilled with his newer dress that he claims to have sewn within 3 hours.
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| Lana Del Rey, however, is not impressed. |
Jeremy has no idea what the eff is going on with Twit's garment, and I have no idea why Kahindo would say that her garment would be something Michelle Obama would wear. Uh, no! Helen feels threatened by Kate because her look is fitted
In the 10 minute klaxon, Sandro is flipping out. He's trying to steam his dress but cannot find the steamer and, when he does, has no idea how to use it so he loudly demands help. I sort of saw Inga attempting to help but Sandro has a hissy fit and goes to grab A CREW MEMBER and literally drag him to the steamer. Fearing that he may lose his job (and probably his life), the flaming crew person says that he has to set up for the runway and flits away. Sandro then pretty much gives up and tries not to cry. I want it to be enduring but his horrible attitude is not helping.
I kind of sort of managed to catch the list of prizes Heidi rattles off so here's a short hand version of it: A lot of money from Go-Bank, products from HP, Year supply of water no one has ever heard of before, spa retreat for winner and their partner/fuck buddy, opportunity to design for Belk that will go unheeded, complete sewing stuff, spread in Marie Claire, a car, an allowance from Tide Pods, and more money from L'Oreal. The model simply gets money and a spread. Now, onto the show!
Heidi is wearing something better suited for Sue. Our guest judge this week is Eric Damen (?), an Emmy winning costume designer. After the spiel about the challenge and how the runways are anonymous, the show commences.
Dom's is very flowy and doesn't look like a muumuu at all and Justin's is elegant and divine. However, I hate the hair choice he made for her. Ken's looks lopsided and I'm pretty sure was ripped off from an 80's Barbie model. Kahindo's does look like camouflage but the organza emphasizes the effect while hiding the puckering, so, again, it's blah. Inga's is all sorts of glamorous and her model plays the part very well. Miranda the Riveter's garment looks exactly the same as last time while Alexander's might as well be a tornado of chiffon with a nice touch of yellow in the sleeves. This is one of those garments where I would spin around like Wonder Woman going "WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kate's is very couture and Twit's is a hot, sloppy mess. Karen's kind of basic and Jeremy has a case of Pigpen tulle. Sandro's looks like it's made of cardboard but anything is better than last time. For no apparent reason, Helen starting crying as soon as her model hits the runway. Tim sees it, stops the show (at least, that's what editing suggests) and, after she tells him she's having a panic attack, gently tells her to man the fuck up. We finally see the dress and it's a huge disaster. Sue, once again, shows impeccable rouching on her dress and Bradon's looks expensive.
Our tops and bottoms are Kate, Loudmouth, Kahindo, Helen, Twit (duh), and Dom. Other designers, vamoose! Sidenote: Sue is like freakin' tall.
THE GOOD:
Dom: She wanted to give the effect that the garment drips with emeralds. Nina finds the garment to be serious, young, and loves the perspective the print gives. However, her shoddy hems distract from the rest of the look. It's a look Heidi would wear but she hates the Josephine Baker headband. Zac likes how it moves and Eric likes how it looks young.
Kate: After telling Nina she's been dying to come back, Heidi says that she instantly knew it was Kate's design due to the corset. The dress is pretty, pretty, pretty. Eric likes her backstory for the dress (Marie Antoinette wrapped in a bed sheet) and how the color makes the jewels pop. Nina likes the color as well and Zac enjoys the asymmetry of the gown.
Loudmouth: Heidi knocks him for doing too much on his girl but says that, this time, it works. Eric says it was smart of him to go with earth tones to compliment the jewels but the lacing on the sides looks bad. Nina likes the fabric choice because it's a risk. Zac says the sides makes the dress look kind of trashy..
THE BAD:
Twit: Heidi is pleasantly surprised that he put make up on his girl this time but knocks him for the lack of hair. Heidi asks about the fabric, which he gleefully says he got out of the trash. Zac, who is pretty sure it's the same fabric from his collection, only likes the bottom but the top is backwards. Heidi says that it's impractical since there is no bra that would work with this "razorfront". Eric thinks the colors overwhelm the jewels and Nina knocks him for not doing something so genderbender, especially considering that he wore heels last week.
Kahindo: Heidi feels she didn't do enough and it's boring. Eric finds the colors look good for her model's hair but not the necklace. Then either he or Zac tell her that it's not the smartest idea to look better than the model on the runway. Zac finds the print to be hard. Nina thinks the dress is nicely made but it isn't exciting.
Prissy Punk Helen: Let's look at this dump. Heidi is ticked off that the designers who compete on this program always tend to make the dumb choice to experiment right then and there. The rouching is horrible on the back. Zac tells there that there are reasons why dresses like these take days to make. Eric explains time management to her. Nina says the imperfections distract from the jewelry but my jaw drops when she points out Helen is A FREAKIN' BRIDAL/EVENING WEAR DESIGNER. Helen then makes her "Ride or Die, Bitch" speech and Nina says she admires her passion (probably to shut her up). But, hold on, Sandro has something to say but I have no idea what he said so Heidi lays down the law: It's about the GARMENT, not the PERSONALITIES.
Closer looks and deliberations fly by and, while I want to sew Sandro's lips shut, our two soundbites are "Hairy Hips" in reference to Helen's disaster and Nina being NICE for a change.
Winner: Kate! She's thrilled that she won and is grateful for the second chance.
Dom is told that her risks paid off and is safe. Sandro is dismissed and Helen is spared as well, thanking them for the criticism in the flattest, robotic voice I have ever heard.
Bottom Two: Twit and Kahindo
Out: Kahindo
Twit lives on for another challenge. Still, Kahindo seemed like a ball of sunshine. She's disappointed, still believes the criticism was harsh, but at least she knows who she is as a designer. Justin looks devastated. Kahindo, being a lady of class, says that she may be going home, but she's going home in grace. Kiss you, miss you. As for the Tim Gunn tidbit, he agrees with the judges so he's not saving her.
Next time: Heidi makes a wake up call, the group goes to Coney Island for what appears to be another unconventional challenge, fights about with Sue and Sandro, and Miranda and Twit. Miranda sobs about therapy, but I'm excited because my imaginary bestie KELLY OSBOURNE is there.
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