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| UND THE BLONDE IS BACK. |
Rather than open in the streets of New York, we instead are at an airport runway. The designers enter, wondering what in God's name are they going to be DOING. Heidi and Tim welcome them to the runway... ha, they made a funny! Heidi lets them know that only 15 of the 16 designers are there and that a contest was held to find out who from a past season can compete again: Kate from season 11 (who I know nothing about as I'm pretending that season never existed), Valerie from season 8 (who I adore), and Ramon from season 6 (who is very irritating). In the end, it's mystery Kate! One of the designers hoped it wasn't but she's just being all whiny. Kate is just thrilled to not work with a teammate THE ENTIRE TIME and goes by the stand by that the judges will be expecting a lot. Another interesting development: There's a fashionable interpreter standing by Heidi and Tim. As it turns out, one of the contestants, Justin, is deaf! Making strides in the fashion community!
Heidi gives an ominous hint about the first challenge, saying "The sky's the limit." Cue the Ride of the Valkyres music and skydivers. The nerdiest nerd there proves how he's an idiot and thinks it's army men or puppies. As the SKYDIVERS land, Heidi tells them the challenge: Create a garment showing your aesthetic using the parachute material. How we've come a long way from using pantyhose in WWII. Helen, the goth-emo girl who is clearly not, worries that this is out of her element while Kate eyes the bright yellow parachute. Heidi counts to three and the designers make a made dash towards the materials. This is made interesting by Kate not only wiping out but also inexplicably diving for the material of her choice. Ken, the flaming black guy, is worried about working with the material. But, no time for that, we've got to get to Parsons!
In car number one, one pixie-haired designer finds Heidi to be weird, a goofball, and best friend material. This is Angela, a former punk rocker who found fun in clothing others than playing music. In car number two, the designers wonder about how Justin will do with communications, but he lets them know that if he doesn't understand, he'll let them know. Redheaded Karen thinks it's awesome to have a deaf person compete but wonders how it would be like for him. I can guess very peaceful and quiet. In the third car, we segway to Alexandria, a broad from Sveden, who was a model in her teens who turned to art school when she didn't find modeling appealing anymore.
We arrive at Parsons as we're introduced to Bradon, a former dancer who was with the Mark Morris Dance Group for 10 years. He's here because he's too old to dance (nonsense. MAAAAAAAAAAARTHA GRAHAM danced until she was 70). He wants to find newer ways to make fashion. The literal interpretation of Rosie the Riveter, Miranda, was once a member of the army and found that wearing the uniform was pretty empowering so she turned to designing when she became a civilian again. Prissy punk Helen calls her style the complete opposite of her appearance. Timothy, the nerd, recognizes Miranda immediately since they're both from Milwaukee. He continues his irritating nerd streak so it made Miranda saying how he has a big ego much more relieving to hear.
Tim enters to welcome to group to the room, the sewing room, and all that. The accessories shill this time is Belk, while HP continues to be the computer sponsor. A new addition to this season is that the designers get to manage their own budgets via Go-Bank, using a card for when they go to Mood. They won't be going there today but Tim lets them know that they have an extra supply of white and black nylon to be used solely as ENHANCEMENTS. The parachute stuff is the primary source. Oh, and they'll only have until 11 that night... and it's nearly 4 in the afternoon. Before anyone freaks out, Tim psyches them out by saying they have all day the next day as well. With that, he leaves.
Kate wants to know who wanted to see her wipe out rather fantastically and Timothy the dimwit raises his hand before she finishes her question. Prissy punk Helen isn't usually scared of bitches but she's scared of Kate and doesn't want to be. Kate, however, knows better than to judge from outer appearances. We get to know more mystery designers, starting with Alexander, who has the freakiest eyebrows I have ever seen. He has costumed many a Broadway show, such as Lion King, Wicked, and Mary Poppins (in its closing run at the time of the airing). Kahindo and her 90's Bjork hair finds the fabric difficult to work with because it's hard to press and very slippery. Angela aims to make a trench coat while Bradon will work with what he has and doesn't sketch out of fear of losing time. We're introduced to Sandro, an Italian looking Russian guy who moved to the US to become a fashion designer (and probably to escape the growing violence against gays in the country). He feels there should be some story behind every piece.
While Timothy the idiot asks Kate about her experience on the show, poofy haired Dom finds Kate to be way nicer than she was on her season but doesn't rule out the possibility that it may be a strategy. Helen wonders if it's cheating to know about the inner workings of the madhouse that is PR but Dom will keep her guard up. Jeremy has an Irish accent, so it's very pleasing to hear him recap the challenge. This is ruined by Timothy spouting some environmentalist bullshit that I think he doesn't even know about, which quickly veers into WTF territory. He's more confusing than I am. Justin and Kate have some banter, where she signs for him, while we get to know his backstory and his back up strategy: If the designers annoy him, he can simply turn off his implant. I like this plan. Karen and Ken talk about college, where she wasn't much of a "designer" until she went while Ken was accepted to SCAD but couldn't afford it. Dom plans to make a textile for her skirt but this is to let us know she still exists.
Time to meet my imaginary aunt: Sue, a woman who looks like she should sing for the Killer Barbies. She plans to go with a pleating technique which costs her some time as the day ends. We don't get to see much of the swanky apartments but we DO get a nice view of the lobby. In the workroom, Bradon plans to make a gown and uses his performer background to ACT like he knows what he's doing when he really isn't. Sandro, on the other hand, wants his woman to look elegant. Keep this in mind for later.
Next thing you know, we have more character development! This time, we're formally introduced to Jeremy. He has a husband and two children and wants to win this for his kids. Aww... then he tells them that he's done children's wear before but it was a nightmare. Like children themselves. In the sewing room, Sue is having trouble figuring out how the machines work. Alexander bitches about how all designers should at least know how to use a machine (I can hear Anya the Great laughing) while Dom calls it ballsy. Over in the idiot corner, Timothy, claiming to be a "sustainable artist" (in civilization, we call these people "Annoying Fucks", and by "we", I mean ME), doesn't use electricity so he's doing his garment by hand. Miranda the Riveter, the beacon of light here, says that's she's pretty sure Timothy the Dimwit has no idea what it means to be a sustainable artist. The other designers (and the world) find him to be annoying.
Meal time finds Alexandria, who, due to reasons of having two people named "Alex", I am calling "Inga", confident that her garment could be a winner. Sandro, who has no grasp on speech, doesn't think that's very humble to say so Inga calls him an idiot. I like this chick. Elsewhere, Timothy the Idjit doesn't think his dress is dynamic enough so he's going outside and burning the material. Wonderful! Trying the save the planet by BURNING THINGS. Thankfully, Uncle Tim is here for inspections. He's not used to the extreme quiet so he wonders if anyone has died. Inga is experimenting with patterns and Tim loves the color blocking while Sandro finds her to be strange. Look who's calling the vase Ming, dear. Alexander finds Comeback Kate's dress to be "girly" (compared to what? Boyish? Get over yourself) while Tim finds Bradon's dress to be very "James Bond". Angela likes his garment as well.
Now for the comic relief: Timothy presenting his frumpy skater dress (per Ken). Tim actually gives him a good critique finding the burning to help a bit. Elsewhere, Tim worries that Miranda hasn't used enough of the parachute material for the challenge. Another person who hasn't used enough material? Prissy Punk Helen. Tim finds Kahindo's pleating to be messy, while Angela wants to use the motion of the parachute in her garment. Justin thinks what she has is nice but incomplete. On to Aunt Sue and she's a bit of a calm wreck. Luckily, Tim likes what she has so far and she admits to not giving in to temptation and just threw it on the mannequin, which worked! We end with Sandro throwing out some word vomit about a bathing suit and Tim leaves the designers to the tender mercies of the models.
With four hours left in the day, Kahindo is worried but knows she isn't alone. The models arrive for the first time to meet with the crew. Angela thinks of making her garment shorter while Timothy plans to make some spectacle with his girl, Natasha, who is probably regretting coming on this show. 30 minutes finds Angela saying that the models were a confidence booster while Dom is curious about the runway tomorrow. And, next thing you know, it's 11 and it's time to go.
Runway day arrives and while Bradon can't believe it, Kate can't believe she's back in this position once again. We find that L'Oreal Paris is still the hair sponsor as the models arrive and Tim gives them the "make it work" mantra. Aunt Sue tells us that she can see the molecules moving in the room (more proof she is a relative) as Angela worries about her garment looking like a muumuu. Elsewhere... oh sweet jesus... Timothy is trying to have his girl do even weirder things until Tim walks in, wondering what in God's name is he doing. He also tells the moron that all the models have the same amount of time on the runway so there won't be any time for theatrics (thankfully). Natasha the model also suggests "just walking normally", proving that models ain't dumb. The trainwreck continues through make up where Timothy says that no electrical appliances are to be allowed to touch Natasha's hair so she's just getting a braid and some bobby pins. Same goes for make up, where she's going bare faced. Natasha is crushed because the other girls have their stuff done and she's stuck with some knucklehead. And of Sandro's shorts? Well, they're short. So short, her noonie is busting out.
On the runway, Heidi wears a dress that would look three times better without the lace overlay. She rattles off the list of prizes that is slightly shorter than the entire Harry Potter series so I didn't catch what they designers are winning. I DO know that a tray of cheeses is not part of this half a million dollar package. Moving on, we have the adorable Zac Posen, Resident Bitch at some magazine Nina Garcia, and guest Kate Bosworth, who's looking very healthy. Another surprise is that Tim is here to observe the judging, however he isn't a judge himself. Instead, he'll be more of a lifesaver, choosing to rescue an eliminated designer if he feels the decision wasn't right, but only ONCE in the entire season. Heidi also drops that the shows will be anonymous so no one has any idea who designed what. So, let the games begin!
Sue's dress is pretty stunning and the pleats actually work, and Bradon's dress is beautiful, showing how mullet dresses SHOULD be done. Jeremy has made some awesome pants that I want while Kahindo's dress could use without the pleats. Sandro's is a mess and he delivers the line of the season, "Her vagina drops." Helen's dress makes her girl look massive but Inga's dress is gorgeous. Karen is meh but is followed by the freakshow that is Timothy, who is disappointed that she's not doing any "performance" but I think she's just pissed that she's wearing something so butt ugly. Justin did a pretty 'n pink dress, and Kate's nice as well. Angela made a rain poncho that I actually would want while Alexander's dress is okay until he points out his dress is goin' north, almost leading to another vagina drop. Dom's unmemorable, Ken is okay but I hate the red portion, and Miranda's pretty nice.
The designers all gather on the runway and Timothy is wearing heels.
Brittnay Matthews, please, for the love of God, take it away.
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| Well said. |
THE GOOD
Bradon: Basically, he gets 10s across the board. Heidi loves how it looks very expensive. Kate loves the thought input he had put into the dress. Cutie Zac found the garment incredible but found the cords he used to be a bit distracting. Nina loved how he made the light fabric very dramatic.
Aunt Sue: Heidi found it beautiful how the colors melted into each other. Zac adores the molding while Nina loves how it looks sporty AND elegant and that the rouching was interesting and a nice touch. Kate found the length of the back interesting and is glad Sue stuck to her guns. Sue is even asked about the jacket she's wearing and, sure enough, she was the one who made it!
THE BAD
Miranda: Technically, she was considered to be in the top, but Heidi felt that she didn't follow the rules and knocked her for not using the parachute (she reveals this during the elimination). Nevertheless, she's bummed that she mostly used the black material. Nina loves the silhouette but is disappointed with the result and tells her that this is their first impression of her. Zac found it to be polished. Heidi leaves her with the note that, by not adhering to the rules of the Unconventional Challenge, Miranda didn't make it fair by being the only one to use the embellishments. I wish she gave this speech EARLIER (Bert, Jesus, other people...).
Angela: Heidi felt the coat looked incomplete without bottoms and Nina agrees. Zac doesn't find it chic but Kate thought the colors were nice, especially in the back.
Sandro: He and his model are accompanied by the extra special guest, the censor box! He's told that he used way too many references in the design and Zac calls it slutty. Heidi thinks the garment is a disaster and the taste level questionable.
Timothy the Dimwit: Timothy goes into some long winded tale about WWII and cranes and stuff. The first thing out of Zac's mouth? "The heels are killing me." Nina? "Did you steal the shoes from the model?" It definitely isn't one of her favorite looks. Kate wants to know what's up with the layer and Heidi wants to know why his girl is barefaced and plain. She's SO not having this shit, especially when Timothy attempts to explain his pseudo-hippie-enviornmentalist point of view to Zac. Zac, however, stops him dead in his tracks when he points out that burning the fabric actually works against his own cause.
Another thing to note: If he's so against electricity and planet saving, then where the hell did he get his outfit from? Because I doubt heels, jeans, and a shirt can be made from a loom.
In yet another twist, the judges can take a closer look at the garments, which makes things even juicier to watch. But, basically, it's just the same old things they said during the critiques.
Before elimination, Heidi lets Miranda know that, because she didn't follow the rules, she's now in danger of being eliminated.
Winner: Bradon! He gives the traditional "Can't believe it" speech. Blah blah blah, whatevs, congrats!
Aunt Sue is in, and so is Miranda the Riveter, after getting a very stern warning from Heidi where she reveals she could have disqualified her. Sandro is also called in.
Bottom Two: Angela and Timothy the Twit
Eliminated: Angela
So we're forced to deal with the asshat for another few weeks. Angela regrets not completing the look as she had intended but it is what it is. She takes it in stride though, and hopes to show at fashion week. Aim high, Punky Brewster!
Tim, on the other hand, reveals to us that he would have used the rescue but it's way too early in the season to do so.
THIS SEASON: 13 million dollars in jewels, lots of boobs, lots of yelling, lots of tears, Sandro taking out a camera, big name celebrities, foaming vaginas, the inevitable Tim Gunn save, and more tears.
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