Dance Moms: Cheerleaders and Dancing Fetuses

For tonight's episode, I posted on my Facebook a brief synopsis based on the previews:

"Tonight, Brooke tries out for the chess club cheerleading and Jabba the Lee is furious at her for exploring avenues outside of the FATTY LEE DANCE COMPANY in an attempt to rejoin society. They square off against the Assles (again), Vivi hasn't been freed yet and Jabba demands the fugly bee costume back."

AND BOY WHAT AN EPISODE IT WAS.

But first, let's head on over to the Pyramid™, where JTL gives a big round of applause for wiping the floor with the Candy Apples (dear god, let there not be too many obscure apple references this week...). This week, they're going to the Starbound Competition in New Jersey. It's the same competition where they won (one of the) NATIONALS. At the very bottom is Nia, over a stupid little choreography mistake. Nia's bummed out because she really worked hard to move up the pyramid (I'd throw in a Jeffersons reference there but I respect Holly and Nia way too much). Kendall's next due to her lack of musicality and, so, she's still on probation. Paige is next but I really didn't catch the reason why because it sounded stupid to begin with and we haven't seen Paige much this season so far. Lil' Mackenzie is next but she won't be in the group number this time around. She will get a solo though. Leaving the bottom row behind, next up is... MADDIE?! WHOA this proves interesting. JTL says that, though Maddie had one of the highest scores last competition, she wants someone else to be on top for a change. Hmm... Melissa the Snatch, however, doesn't agree with her. Chloe follows, even if she didn't have a solo last time. JTL wants her to be known for her dancing, NOT for her being in a music video. Christi, my favorite mom, is ecstatic that, for once, Chloe is ahead of Maddie on the pyramid. "Ice cream for everyone!" (I WANT SOME!). And then, (gasp!), Brooke is on top once again!! JTL says she proved herself last time with her solo and how she's gone from the bottom to the top! Koo-Koo Kelly believes that this means something for all the kids and how well they can really do. Because of this, I was doing a victory dance UNTIL Brooke expresses doubt and displeasure about being a role model for the younger girls. She's not sure that she wants to be one and she rather would be with her friends... you know, humans HER age. Hmm. By the pricking of my thumbs... something wicked this way comes.


Joining Mackenzie on the solo train, Chloe will get a lyrical solo and Maddie will get a jazz solo, something she (Maddie) isn't particularly thrilled over. This also means the two girls (obviously Mackenzie will be competing in her own age group) will be going head to head with one another. I'm surprised Christi isn't going psycho over this like last season. The group dance is called "Born to Dance" and it's about childbirth. Brooke is going to be the main attraction to the piece and is the glue to the piece. With five days to the competition, the girls work with Gia! with the piece. Jabba the Lee admits that the piece is a bit provocative but beautiful. The moms, however, are freaking out over Brooke doing the interpretive dance version of escaping the uterus via vagina and bring up the "Electricity" piece of yore. The difference being Electricity was, um, a tad tasteless and this piece should be a little different from the hanky-spanky, skimpy outfitted routine. Christi feels that these kids shouldn't really be exposed to the wonders of womanhood juuuuuuust yet. Melissa the Snatch is being asked by the other moms about her kid being bumped down and if she's feeling okay. She's trying to be okay about it (yeah, right). She's perturbed by this and NOW believes the pyramid sucks and totally not fair. Yeah, lady, Christi and I agree that you're only whining about the pyramid now because you don't have the bragging rights anymore. Elsewhere, in the studio, Brooke knows JTL is going to be harder on her than ever before due to her rank on the pyramid. She wants to do other things... things like cheerleading!


Later on, after rehearsal, Isabelle Fuhrman Brooke goes to attend a football game and strikes up a conversation with one of the cheerleaders. Cheerleader girl says that if Brooke would rather cheer than dance, then she should probably go for it. Brooke confessionalizes about getting over dance and, after being christened with a Cheerleader ribbon, she's given a bit of a trial run. I'll be rootin' for ya, Brooke! The following day at Kelly's, Brooke brings up the cheerleading tryout... which just so happen to be the same day of the competition. GASP! Kelly is in a bit of a pickle, as she doesn't want to deter Brooke from doing what she wants than doing what she's been taught to do (or something like that). Brooke doesn't want to ruin the piece but, at the same time, she wants to follow her dreams. THANK YOU, SINCERITY.


At the 3 day mark, Mackenzie, who really should lay off the lipstick, rehearses her solo, where she leads her own parade. JTL says it's a reward for doing so well in the group last time. Mack believes she's ready to go against the big girls. YOU GO GIRL! At a bar (where else?) called "Olive or Twist" (clever!), the moms drink and Kelly brings up her dilemma. She tells the women that Brooke has had it with Jabba the Lee (you mean YOU'VE had it) and brings up cheer-gate. To her, it's a lose/lose situation. Melissa, because Maddie has to be interjected in here somewhere as she hasn't been mentioned in the last five seconds, says she would NEVER let Maddie do something like this, especially when a competition approaches. Snatch, no one cares. Nevertheless, Kelly is prepared for the consequences and Jill-Cher believes that this is the best decision.
Later, Maddie rehearses her jazz solo called "Lights, Camera, Action". Even though she likes the solo, she's worried about it since she doesn't do jazz numbers so often. She's also worried about Chloe, who rehearses her lyrical solo "Don't Catch Me". Chloe thinks she has a good chance at winning. We shall see.


Soon, JTL has a brief 45 minute run through of what I'm calling the "Fetus" dance. About a good 10 minutes in, she finally realizes Brooke is not there. Uh, just how ignorant is this woman? Maddie gives us the 411 on how Brooke has been complaining about how she hates dance and how she might not want to be on the team anymore. JTL vainly screams for Brooke and goes through the team rules. She goes to get Kelly, who finally breaks the bad news to the aptly leopard-velour jacket donned Fatty Patty. She. Goes. BATSHIT INSANE. The other moms look on and cringe at the carnage to unfold. Jabba the Lee is furious that a 13 year old is dictating the future of the group and her, Madame Liar Pants of the FLDC! Kelly points out that Brooke is dictating her own future so quit making it a humongous deal. Blinded with rage, JTL goes on another rambling rant about how Brooke is screwing her over and screwing the team over with her decision. JTL is also livid by the fact Brooke wouldn't go to JTL herself to deliver the news (well, based on how graciously you're taking it, we all know why she's locked in the bunker, dedicating her first cheer to her mother whose brave and noble death allowed Brooke to achieve her dreams). In a mature manner, JTL pulls the group number, dismisses the three girls without solos (Nia, Paige and Kendall) and proceeds to start the solo rehearsals.
No, wait, there's more to come. Holly the Magnificent asks if the moms could have a word with Jabba the Lee, who surprisingly says yes. Ambassador Christi of the Mom Tribe tells the behemoth that they're standing by Brooke's decision and that it's teaching their kids about the wonders of friend support. JTL, who had no friends and can't comprehend what Christi is saying, calls her an asshole for teaching their kids about morals. JTL confessionalizes that Christi is only using this to her advantage in order to get Chloe to the top (fairly this time). Uh, if she was, don't you think she'd be throwing her kid's name around like Melissa?


The whole situation reminds me of when I studied Theatre (well, Visual and Performing Arts) at QCC (oh yes, how prestigious!). One of the professors would go around telling students to audition, despite the fact that they have lives outside of school and have these things called jobs they go to in order to support themselves. She, who apparently thinks this place is on Broadway level standards, would want them to quit the jobs, forget about their loving family and focus on the auditioning for whatever play coming up. She even got pissy at me once during an audition when I told her I wouldn't be able to work on her show because "of other commitments". "And why not?" She would ask while turning a shade of deep red. I told her it's another opportunity to further my career (something she always told us), plus I'm earning a little bit of money because of it. She reacted the same way to one of my friends who was cast in a dance workshop and was told she wasn't contributing to the department (or something). We (the friend and I) both knew that dance IS a performing art so why is she going koo-koo over it. I pretty much threw away my last audition at this place because I have had it with her and was focused on getting my ass out of the institution, knowing she would want me to drop all my necessary classes just to participate in her two-bit production.


Man, that felt good to get off my chest.


Anyhow, back to the Moms. Jabba the Lee, who KNOWS this number will win, is worried about her reputation (you mean, BEYOND what this show is showing us?) since they are Starbound's National champions (You can tell she's going to be throwing that around this entire season). Instead, she will put the group number back in. Gia! is willing to work with the girls for 4 hours the next day in order to reblock the whole number but Jabba's name will be removed from the number itself. Oooooh, we're just shakin' in our boots, aren't we? Then, she tarnishes what little respect anyone had for her when she says THIS:


"I would NEVER let my child shake her pom-pons for some boy so she could go to college for free."


Well, where the hell are MY pom-pons cause I would want a free ride to a great college! Fatty Patty, I would WANT my kids to succeed and go off to college, not spend the rest of their lives being shouted at by the Living Contradiction in a studio in PA. Firecracker! Firecracker! Sis-boom-bah!


The following day, at 6:15 AM, Gia! works on the Fetus number with the remaining girls. Maddie feels bad for Brooke about this whole situation, especially now that Maddie is pretty much filling in for her spot (Maddie, if you attempt to be any more "humble", it's going to sound like sarcasm) while Paige stands by her sister's decision. Nia wants to prove to JTL that the group can persevere through this and win on their own merit. Gia! does a fantastic job and gives hugs! She is then leading the team, through skipping!, to the bus where Holly remarks "Gia is leading the troops!" The mood on the bus is a bit different than usual. Are... are those SMILES? Like genuine smiles that JTL isn't here? Holly calmly states that she's confident things will go nice and smooth this time around. Everyone on the bus is having a grand ole time... UNTIL THE WOMAN IN BLACK ARRIVES. You can see all the energy just being sucked out of the bus at her arrival... JTL states she's only going because she doesn't want Gia! to be thrown towards the wolves on her own. Hey, she came in, worked on YOUR choreography and has been with the team since day one. I think she's more than capable on handling the team at this competition. Poor Holly laments about how all the euphoria about this trip sans JTL came crashing down with her presence. Whomp, whomp.


On the bus ride over, Crazy Cathy calls BFF Melissa the Snatch (who has no gifts for Jabba the Lee this time around) and JTL starts speaking in tongues. Guess what? THE CANDY ASSHOLES ARE COMPETING IN NEW JERSEY TOO. JTL begins to show signs of having a stroke. Christi shamefully admits that this week just might be Cathy Hannigan's week. At the competition, Jabba the Lee continues her fall from grace as she wants the girls to make it seem Brooke never existed and that they're NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (give it a rest!). Christi breaks out the back braces for the girls due to the amount of pressure JTL is placing on them this week.


In another room (judging from the lockers and happy, smiley artwork on the walls, I'm guessing the venue was at an elementary school), our Geriatric Mean Girl announces "Our nemis is here" ("Nemesis". The word you're grasping for is "Nemesis". Money cannot buy you intelligence). She then maturely tries to get her team to boo the FLDC, which I'm pretty sure none of them do, and says they don't want to lose to yet another "hokey-pokey" routine. Christi is totally thrilled to see Crazy Cathy once again (complete with rolling eyes) and calls her a "low-blower" for targeting their kids. Jill-Cher shows signs of humanity by laughing with Christi at the moniker "low-blower". One of the officials goes to retrieve Mackenzie for her solo. Melissa is nervous that Mackenzie might forget the choreography while Mackenzie is gonna show that she's the best. Her solo is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen and she nails it! Yay! Melissa finally recognizes her as her daughter! Crazy Cathy tries to start another pissing match with JTL about having the row reserved. Well, says JTL, I don't see your name anywhere so suck up and shut up. Chloe preps for her solo and she's not as nervous as she was last season, which is a very good thing. She does a beautiful job but I wish JTL wouldn't give her such understated solos all the time. Melissa the Snatch thinks Chloe did great BUT Maddie is still the tops in her eyes. Ugh...  Maddie goes and, I'll admit, it wasn't necessarily her best. Even she admits the solo "felt weird", despite assurance from Gia! that she did all right.


Crazy Cathy realizes that Brooke isn't there and that speaking eloquently is not her forte as she says "She's probably trying out for cheerleader." IT'S CHEERLEADING. We go off to PA to look in on Brooke's try-out. Kelly admits that maybe if JTL wasn't so hard on the poor girl so much, she wouldn't be trying out for cheerleading in an attempt to break free! I'm getting nervous as Brooke admits that she's going to feel really bad if she doesn't make the team. She stumbles a bit with the yelling section, especially since she's not that experienced in that area (Jabba the Lee sure is, just pretend you're screaming over her)... BUT SHE MADE THE TEAM!!! (Victory cheer!) Kelly, though happy for her, is a bit upset that Brooke is walking away from something KELLY MADE HER DO. Be proud that Brooke made the decision for once, ya loony!


Solo awards! Mackenzie wins for junior-petite! Hooray for the band leader! Maddie wins third for her division and the Snatch thinks she was jipped of the win, which went too CHLOE! YAHOO!! She's surprised by the win, considering who she was up against. You know who else didn't win? Justice, the red head kid from Candy Apples, who can be seen in the line up. You just know Cathy's blowing a fuse. Melissa sure doesn't care about the win. Nope. Not at all. JTL told her that Maddie didn't win because she looked too professional. You'll believe just about anything, won't you? JTL continues her fall by bashing on Chloe's mistakes while praising Maddie. Furthering the fall, she tells the girls that Brooke is worthless. Yup, enrollment at her dance company sure is gonna skyrocket now. HOW DARE SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Chloe is a bit nervous about the Apples but she's hopin' for the best.


Group dances! The Candy Assholes go first with their "Mermaids" rountine. Vivi is dreadful in the piece and the older dancers aren't as spectacular either. The number's a mess. JTL believes Vivi was just used as a human prop in order to bring down the overall age level... LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR NUMBERS LAST TIME WITH MACKENZIE AND VIVI?!
Time now for the Dancing Fetuses. The music almost made me cry (unlike Christi, who actually does) and the girls do a fantastic job. At the awards, Candy Assholes get EIGHTH PLACE. To the surprise of no one, the fetus dance wins overall. JTL is ecstatic for beating the Assles once again but is less than pleased with Cathy Hannigan's lack of sportsmanship. Plus, she wants the fugly bee costume back. So, they go to the Assles room and congratulate them like good sports. Jabba inquires about the Bee costume. "Oh I gave it to Goodwill" remarks Cathy (I doubt it but whatever). Melissa bemoans that the costume cost $300... whoa, wait, THEY SPENT $300 ON THAT CRAP?! Christi calls Cathy a mean little old woman (true) and a nasty old bat (Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyess!!!) Cathy goes after Christi's nose because she can't pay someone to give her a better comeback and also pushes Christi, who calls her a bitch and I swear was going to rightfully sock Cathy in the face. Luckily, Holly the Magnificent goes in to retrieve her before anything else happens.


Next Week: Payton joins the team to replace Brooke. Lesley, her mom, starts a pissing war with Christi. And more pissing matches erupt between JTL and Payton and Christi. Oh, and the girls are dressed up in schoolgirl outfits. Bum, bum BUUUMMM.

Dance Moms: Cathy Loses it All! Again!

It's a new dance week and the start of what is assumed to be many episodes centered on the "Fatty Lee Dance Company vs Candy Assholes" story line. And this particular episode is focused on Crazy Cathy doing whatever she can to win, even if it's to lie... odd how this episode is focused on lying since that's what Jabba the Lee does half the time, or at least "forget" certain details, like going to more Nationals when she claimed were Regionals or even how, according to the internets, Kendall won for her division last episode (but I could be wrong). But before any of that happens, let's head on over to the pyramid!

Jabba the Lee says that the group's performance at the Dance Troupe Competition last time was certainly not the REIGNING NATIONAL CHAMPIONS (of one Nationals competition) the country know them as. Please. As soon as JTL critiques Kendall's performance, Jill-Cher interrupts with the whole "she only learned it in 3 days" (really? It's practically the same amount of time I can learn a whole dance number too. Shut it), so JTL immediately barks at her to shut up. So, Fats, where's the next competition? Ohio. YOU KNOW WHO LIVES IN OHIO? Chloe sure cheerfully does (meanwhile, I love how she has more of a personality this time around). CANDY APPLES. The first of many Christi quips (as I have been erroneously spelling with an e on the end.) starts when she compares Cathy Hannigan to a cold sore "that keeps coming back", furthering my love for her. Jabba the Lee wants NO SQUAWKING from the moms (and yet she doesn't laugh that out of her system).
Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid since she's still on probation. Whatevs. Mackenzie is next on the bottom. Jabba brings up how Maddie, her sister, was dancing better at her age than she is, increasing my hatred for her. DON'T COMPARE MACKENZIE TO HER OWN DAMN SISTER. Honestly! JTL also goes on to say that Mackenzie always get small roles in the groups but she wants her to do more. Here's a thought, you moron, GIVE HER MORE TO DO beyond just placing her in there to bring down the overall age. UGH! Brooke is next and she needs to stop being a drama queen. She's followed by the increasingly non-existent Paige, who also did well but was told 32 times to sit down on the bus. Uh, who cares? Kelly sure does as she starts another pissing match with JTL. In the middle row is Nia, who did fantastic but Jabba the Lee wants a family member to accompany her to these competitions. Funny she'll say that when she had no trouble when Melissa the Snatch left her with her girls (that's plural, Melissa. Mackenzie is your daughter too) last season. Chloe is next because of her fantastic job and Maddie is on top. Shocker. Maddie, however, is criticized over how it wasn't her best performance last time.
The group number is titled "Bad Apples", which made me giggle. Shut up. It's a 1940's inspired number but with a little Katy Perry-influence. They're gonna be made up like pin-up girls, complete with snoods (which Mackenzie has no idea what a snood is. I wish there was a sound bite of her saying that). Brooke will be doing a solo and will be competing against Erica, the top girl from Candy Assles, who is roughly her age. JTL wants Brooke to scare the living crap out of her while the theme for the week is to make applesauce out of Crazy Cathy's team.This promises to be an interesting episode.

Mom time! So, Jill-Cher, how was your first pyramid experience? She wasn't expecting Kendall to be on the bottom already. There's a lot of pressure on the bottom. Christi, however, believes she does belong there. Jill-Cher can't quite get used to the dynamics of the pyramid while Holly the Magnificent astutely notes that in order for one girl to rise, one of the top three must fall, and Jill-Cher's honesty says that Nia should've been that girl. Oye. Melissa, however, does note that Jill-Cher is getting annoyed because Kendall isn't the star now, like she was at the many other studios they've been at. Then Jill-Cher pulls a Cathy and says she's only supporting HER child (despite the fact that in confessionals, she states she wants to be on the team. And by "she", she means herself, furthering her crazy stage mom persona rivaled only by Mama Rose.) Christi kind of sets her up to go speak to Jabba the Velociraptor, which we all know is a bad, bad idea. So Jill-Cher goes right on ahead as the moms pulls out popcorn to watch the show. Jill-Cher goes to interrupt the class (WHY? WHY DO THESE BIMBOS DO THAT?! These girls could probably do better if they didn't interrupt the classes!) Jill-Cher asks JTL what she wants from her. "Nothing" says the dance instructor (possibly because SHE'S NOT THE DANCER. HER DAUGHTER IS). JTL believes that Jill-Cher should've spent more on technique classes for Kendall, otherwise she wouldn't be struggling. It's a bit of a sane argument as Jill-Cher is kicked out of the class.

We are now treated to one of the rehearsals for "Bad Apples", including Kendall, before the crew is whisked off to Ohio to look in on Candy Assholes. Crazy Cathy hasn't seen the moms since she had her ass handed to her at the iHollywood competition in LA. You know, when Chloe, Nia and Mackenzie wiped the floor with her dowdy routines? The rehearsal looks sloppy, as per usual. Back in the sunny land of Pittsburgh, Christi and Kelly have lunch. Christi whips out an old competition book that she's going to show Jill-Cher later that, yes, Chloe and Maddie did in fact beat Kendall at a previous competition. In this particular book, Maddie got first (gee, no prizes there), Chloe got third and Kendall got tenth. Oh jeez, this isn't gonna go well. Christi's quips continue as she wants to know what the hell is Jill-Cher's deal and that she and her phone-sex operator voice shouldn't be trusted.

Brooke is then shown rehearsing her solo, titled "Garden of Eden" (which I totally forgot about the apple theme until I saw the piece later in the episode) where Crazy Cathy pep talks her dancer, Erica, about Brooke's skills, which she says is a lot of crawling around on her neck (sounds like how I dance, only it's more flailing with an attempt to make a point). She also says that while Brooke is a title holder, Erica is a double title holder, which I highly doubt. It's clear how delusional Cathy Hannigan has become when she says her studio is successful. Poor Vivi-Anne is still dancing there and she cuts her finger on her mother's ring. Vivi hopes she can overcome this injury so she and her speech impairment can dance this weekend. FREE VIVI! Especially now that her mother's stupidity is being rubbed off on her.

Back at the PA studio, Christi whips out the book for Jill-Cher, who vows to not let them get to her or her kid. Sure. Jill-Cher then pulls out the hair rats for the girls to wear since she couldn't find snoods. She thinks the rats are kind of ugly and she practices putting one on Melissa, so they go down to show JTL what they look like. There's more of the Bad Apples rehearsal, which looks a lot like the musical theatre dance class I would participate in back at Queensborough. Unlike here, the professor was absolutely cool and the people liked dancing. I really miss that class. Like a lot. ANYHOW, Paige gets yelled at while Kelly goes to deliver the props for the girls to practice with. JTL wants to know why her kids aren't doing that themselves, they know better. The two get into another pissing match. Kelly has no right to enter the classroom and JTL wonders if she's drunk. She proceeds to ask her this through the mezzanine window which, although uncalled for, is a skill I wish I had. Kelly begins to cry and wonder why she's putting her kids through the same torture she once endured as a dancer there. WHAT'S NOT CLICKING, KELLY???!!! God!

In Ohio, Crazy Cathy believes she has the home advantage. We'll see later. In PA, more rehearsing. Maddie can't wait to compete against the apples again. The costumes have arrived and boy are they ugly. The moms find that they aren't Katy Perry at all (thank god for that) so they get straight to fixing them up. While Christi confessionalizes about what kinds of lame tricks Cathy may have up her sleeve and bat wings, Gia! (complete with exlaimation point) arrives to ask Jill-Cher and Holly to come on down to observe the rehearsal a.k.a. see what your kids keep screwing up. There's more Jill-Cher suspicions and the moms suggest over the reasons why she and her daughter keep getting kicked out of studios, especially since the FLDC is so close to them.

Off to Ohio, where Jabba the Lee continues to berate the bus driver. Christi continues her witty commentary as she wonders why she feels the needs to bark directions when the driver has a GPS in front of him anyway. Team Suck-Up which consists of Melissa the Snatch and Jill-Cher bring Fatty Lee a gift of jewelry. Christi comments that Jabba the Lee TOTALLY comes to her mind whenever she shops. Christi, I am more than ready to move in and be a live-in maid. JTL jokes about how the next time these two go shopping, they should find her a husband. I almost puked at the thought.
At the hotel, Kelly gets an invitation to a soiree at Cathy's presidential suite. WTF. Well, they go anyway. Free drinks, you know. Crazy Cathy comments how whenever her team goes out, they go out in style. Well, sorry, you old wrinkly rich bitch, not everyone can be like you. Anyway, it seems that Crazy Cathy is trying to coax them away from JTL. Hmm... success despite humiliation or laughing stock? Christi continues to be wary of the deluded dance instrutor... well the one from Ohio anyway.

Competition time! GAME FACES EVERYONE. Crazy Cathy thinks her girls have real abs, which proves that she's still delusional. I mean, hasn't she SEEN the abs on Jabba's girls? Sans painting? After a brief confrontation where Jabba the Lee kind of forgot to remove a hair curler, they go to their room to prepare. Kendall has a bit more pressure to get off probation and get on the team. Holly is stressed over the hair this time and JTL freaks out over the snoods as some are thick crochet while others are thin nylon. Whatever, they found snoods. It doesn't help that JTL finds out about the soiree, kind of wants dirt on it but then is fumes over how Cathy went behind her back once again (uh, she's not at your studio anymore. Now, it's just her being a dumbass) and whines about Cathy's scheming. Before the performance, Crazy Cathy tries to shake the girls up by going to some of them and wishing them good luck, which is so obviously insincere. JTL's team goes first. I thought it was kind of cute and Christi thought they did very well. The Candy Assholes go next with a Spanish-themed number that's kind of sloppy and all over the place. Melissa thinks these girls are WAY older than their girls and JTL questions Crazy Cathy's integrity. After the performance, JTL bashes Kendall's musicality. The moms are concerned over the ages of the Apples while JTL is worried about being beaten by Cathy. Frankly, I was too since they were slightly better this time around and it does sound like punishment...

At the awards, Crazy Cathy comments on the girl's "Amish" hair styles while Christi fires back with "They're 40's hairstyles. You would know!" Candy Assholes gets 2nd while Jabba Lee gets 1st! Like there was a contest there but whatever. Kelly thinks JTL was right about the snoods while JTL makes a funny by saying "Time for pork chops and applesauce!" Crazy Cathy, however, is irritated that she once again lost to JTL and is outraged by the win. She goes over to the official to see the scores and, nope, JTL won all right. She's in disbelief. Oh shut up.

Solo time! JTL is relieved that the groups are over and done with while Brooke is starting to get nervous over the number. Her number is the same old Brooke acro stuff that I'm immensely jealous over but I do like her costume, the music and how she dances around the bedazzled apple.When she finishes (with no injuries for a change), Mackenzie does some weird hug/bodyguard stance off-stage which made me giggle. Erica from Team Candy does a piece titled "Through the Looking Glass". She dances with a mirror prop. She's not half bad and JTL is worried once more. However, Abigale, one of the competition officials, goes off to the Candy Apple team for some questioning. Some people in the audience are questioning Erica's age (see? It's not entirely Jabba's assumption) as they have seen her perform at other competitions in an older division. Cathy and Erica's mom tell Abigale and Leigh, another official, she's 14 and born in '97 but don't have proof of her birth certificate. Erica is in the wrong division and, thus, is disqualified. Leigh goes off to JTL to question Brooke as she's getting the same slack. Unlike Erica, Brooke was born in '98 and met the division deadline at 12 so she's in the running (or something like that). To prove it, Melissa and someone from JTL's studio fax over Brooke's certificate. And, surprise, Brooke wins first! You go, girl!

Jabba the Lee is shocked that Cathy would stoop so low as Erica is an amazing dancer. Had Crazy Cathy not been such an asswipe and entered her in the correct division, she could have won. Poor Erica... Well, Cathy won't leave without being a sore loser so she goes to stir up trouble with the JTL women. Cathy needs to grow up when she attacks how the moms are dressed and tries to counter JTL's claim that red and black has always been her company's colors with "Well, do you have a certificate?" (yeah, like that makes sense). She then attacks Christi's dress who proceeds to shoo her away with "BE GONE WITCH! YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE!" She then calls Cathy the "Geriatric Mean girl", cementing my love for her. Seriously, I can clean windows, floors, shine included.

Next time on the moms, they go head to head with the Assles once again. Oye...

Dance Moms: Plastic Beauties

It's a new year! And a brand spanking new season of DANCE MOMS, the most contrived reality show ever aka the next step after "Toddlers and Tiaras". What happened last season? Well, in case you forgot, there was all that Maddie/Chloe comparisons, the prostitots knock-off, the standard yelling from Abby Lee Miller (known on some internet sites as Jabby, Fatty McDance, Fatty Lee Miller or, as I call her, Jabba the Lee, so here she'll be JTL), a win at Nationals (well, one of them) at Lake Tahoe and, oh yeah, Chloe finally outshining Maddie in the music video that JTL believes is getting airplay on vh1. And yet, why are Vivi-Anne and Crazy Cathy still in the opening? We'll find out later...

JTL brings out the standard pyramid (which she claims was a gimmick made by the producers. Hmm...). Mom Melissa the Snatch plans to have a new clean slate and no negative thoughts. We shall see how long that'll last. However, my champion mom, Holly (aka "Dance Michelle Obama"), is nowhere to be found. JTL asks her daughter, Nia, where the hell is she? Like a good mother who plans to keep some form a stability for her family (and yet still sends her daughter to this she-demon), Holly has work. Well, JTL is typically furious at Holly. She believes she needs to drop her work (which, I believe, is a school principal so that's not happening anytime soon, ya big idiot) and to love dance alongside her daughter, proving she may have lost some more IQ points from last season. Jabba the Lee feels Nia feels bad because Holly's not there. Gee, did you ever think about ASKING what Nia thinks about this?

JTL recaps (once again and probably many more times in the future) how the team won Nationals last season but now they're TARGETS and everyone wants to see them fail. Well, okay then. She announces that, to replace Vivi-Anne (FREE VIVI!!!!), she will be holding open auditions and says the standard "Everyone's replaceable", which is mocked by my other favorite mom Christie.

Pyramid time! At the bottom is little ol' Mackenzie, who is now 7 and has no front teeff. She can't be eating chips anymore, which made me very sad as that was the quote of the season last time. Teenager Brooke is next and JTL knocks her about missing some classes so she could take a break. Her sister, Paige, is next and yelled at for the same reason. Well, last season, Brooke barely got out ALIVE, what with the hip injury, the prop going up her nose, the gaff tape burn on her neck, her shoulder popping out DURING a routine... will she catch a break this season? Nia is next up and JTL wants her to win a TITLE this time. She also has the audacity to say that Holly doesn't care as much as she should. Nia astutely notes that since she's the dancer, she should be the one showing up for class, NOT her mom. This recognition immediately skyrockets her to being one of my favorite girls. Chloe is up next, due to her star status as the lead in that music video that JTL believes is getting the same recognition as a Gaga video. Keep dreaming. Anyway, she's still not on top, which greatly irks everyone who has common sense. As always, Maddie is on top because she's Maddie. As a result, the top 3 girls (Maddie, Chloe, and Nia) will be getting new solos as they'll be competing at a competition in Greensborough, NC (I think). Their standard group number shall be call "Sassy Dolls", a jazzy space cadet-esque number. I immediately notice that Gia, the mystery assistant from last season, is not there but some guy is. Oh, and they have 5 days to rehearse. Or so they say. The moms hope the auditions won't bring in any new crazy dance mom like...

Crazy Cathy, who the show still follows around because she's as delusional as Jabba the Lee. At her Candy Assholes studi-- wait, I meant Candy APPLES dance studio in Ohio, Crazy Cathy tells us things are going well, set to stock 50's instrumental music. We're shown a glimpse of her dancers rehearsing and it's clear nothing has changed. ONCE AGAIN, she whines about their time there and how the pyramid system brought up negative criticisms. So she's going to be using the same thing (Huh? [Yep, it's the producer's brainchild]). A nice girl named Erica/Erika/Ericah is at the top and she'll be getting a solo just for that. I believe none of these kids should ever do (or wear) make up ever again.

Back in Pittsburgh, the moms ponder about the great Holly, who finally enters only to hear JTL is threatening to replace Nia from the team. Keeping the theme of having infomation whacked into our heads like a sockful of quarters, Holly states she's the ADULT, not the DANCER. She goes to have a civilized conversation with the dancing behemoth. Koo-koo Kelly cannot believe the crazy is starting ALREADY. Poor Holly isn't given a word in edgewise as JTL goes into an Edina Monsoon worthy rant filled with words that have no meaning and chock full of stupidity while Holly tries to state her case. To shut her up, Holly tells JTL that she's intimidated by her. "BULL!!!" shouts the classless fat-ass. Maybe if she opened her ears and not her mouth,  Jabba the Lee would get some common sense knocked into her thick head.

It's a new day as Holly and Nia go out for smoothies. Holly finds it difficult to balance a career and being a mom (let alone a dance mom). Poor Nia asks her mom the question fed to her by Jabba the Lee about if she'll be able to go to the competition this weekend (Nia, I feel your pain. No one likes asking empty questions). Nia wishes her mom could be there but she is understanding after all.

The next day is the auditions to replace Vivi-Anne and it's pretty packed (mostly filled with parents who want 15 minutes of fame). One particular mother, Lesley, hopes her pretty daughter, Payton, will be picked as they've been trying for YEARS to get on this team. Freaks. But Lesley doesn't understand why all these strangers showed up (it's an OPEN audition, you moron). The regular Moms continue to pray that there won't be another crazy Mom to join the team. JTL, however, doesn't want anyone too young like Mackenzie (who whines a lot since she's 7) and no one too old like Brooke (who is a brooding teen). Poor Payton is cut and she's disappointed, or at least looks disappointed since we haven't heard a word from her. JTL says she's too tall to be on the routine, which blows for her. The winning girl is a nice and pretty brunette named Kendall. Ken is 8 years old and looks a wee bit like Abigail Breslin. Poor kid has no idea what she's getting herself into. Her mother Jill is also kind of pretty, but I don't think her face moves at all, so I'll nickname her Cher. Ken will be put on "probation" before she can officially join the team so JTL is going to give her a solo to learn for the competition, which occurs in 3 days.

Jill-Cher is pulled over for some brief practice convo with JTL so Kendall can get some private time to learn her stuff. Lesley, however, comes in, quickly congratulates Jill and Kendall, and asks JTL why Payton didn't make the cut. JTL mentions that she's too tall and dances very "mature" (meaning she has totally forgotten all about the prostitot routine). Well, Lesley goes insane and almost matches Jabba the Lee over blind rage and pointless yelling. Almost.

JTL describes the solos, which apparently are all of the "Musical Theatre" genre, which makes no sense. Maddie, as she has become 9, has tougher competition as she's now on the younger side of the spectrum for competition while Chloe has her recognition from the music video on her back. JTL believes it's getting to Chloe's head. THAT SWEET KID? Ridiculous. The other moms allegedly have heard Jill-Cher IS a crazy step mom and has been going from studio to studio. Well, time will tell for that one. Jill-Cher enters, intros are made and she notices Christine is very tense towards her, who is in love with Jill-Cher's speaking voice (which is very phone(y) operator). Kendall is given a solo so JTL can see how she looks onstage. Elsewhere in Mom-land, the regulars ask Jill-Cher why this buffet-buffoon? Well, she's heard great things about her. Duh. Despite feeling some sort of tension from Christie, Jill-Cher seems to hold her own. Christie, however, will hold firm to the belief that Jill-Cher is the ultimate stagemom and wonders how she'll fare against Melissa the Snatch.

Then comes the last rehearsal for the space cadets number. JTL demands a plastic box to be made for Mackenzie. If she asks for a cage for the next number, someone arrest JTL. However, she screams at Brooke for wasting too much time getting a drink and asking her mom if she can go to a football game at her school (which probably means she's still holding out for the cheerleader dream). THEN GO!! And stop writing on your hand, damn it. Poor Brooke begins to cry and JTL is flabbergasted over why (take a long look in the mirror, then are TONS in your studio). Jabba the Lee wants Brooke to be a role model for the girls, and crying is a big no-no. Well, Fatty Patty, it's called being a teen. They do things like this. Hell, *I* STILL DO THINGS LIKE THAT. You would know it if you spent it doing teen things, not starting a dance studio at 14. JTL has never had the experiences these girls will/want to have, so why should she lecture them about it? Koo-koo Kelly enters to remind JTL that rehearsal was supposed to end at 6:30 or whatever and it's a bit later than that. And so they go. Poor Brooke is already a pawn in the power struggle between two big dumbasses.

The big day finally arrives and it's snooooooowing! As per usual with this group, things are still being touched up, but this isn't new. Poor Nia once again reminds us how upset she is that her mom isn't going to be there but this time I'm pretty sure her voice cracked trying to hold back tears. Ever the wise one, Holly reminds her that the other moms will be there to help her through and they embrace one last time (even if Nia shouting "Mommy!" was a little odd, the whole scene nearly made me cry). Holly the Magnificent goes to speak with Fatty Ass Miller, who promptly shut her window closed like the rude behemoth that she is. On the ride over (where it stopped snowing. Weird), Jill-Cher and Kendall give JTL a thank you gift for letting her on the team. After all, they're SERIOUS about this. It's perfume! Christie speaks for America when she says a membership for Weight Watchers would've been a suiting gift.

At the competition, Chloe is allowed to speak her mind and finds it difficult to do ANYTHING without hearing JTL's voice echoing from the abyss in her mind. And this happens all the time. This won't look good for her future... on the other hand, Kendall is ready to BRING IT! Maddie is still confident enough to take on older girls but who really cares now. Maddie goes first and she still dances and acts like a ham. Chloe's next and she's just super sweet and her dance-acting has improved. What's weird, though, is that Jabba the Lee critiques Chloe but not Maddie, which means that she's still playing favorites/finding a punching bag. Nia is extremely nervous, especially since Holly isn't there, and dances what was described earlier as a routine from "Once on this Island", which really looks like yet ANOTHER "ethnic" dance. Nia pulls through does a fantastic job. She believes it's the best dancing she's ever done (so far. I'm rooting for you!). Even Jabba the Lee is impressed.
Kendall's first routine on this show is next. What's very odd is that earlier in rehearsals, she was dancing a "Musical theatre" piece, but now it's "Jazz". Fire that caption person for lying to us! Then again, look at who they're working for... Anywho, while she's definitely no Maddie, Kendall and her feather bra dance pretty great. Both Kendall and Jill-Cher remind us how nervous she was. Well, no shit, if she wasn't nervous, she would be lying. At the awards cermony, Nia get's 4th place! Whoo hoo! Chloe is terrified about letting her fans down (which I was about to question but, then again, she's Chloe) and wins 1st! Double whoo-hoo! Maddie wins 1st as well in the Pre-junior category, but no one really cares. She tries to impress by bringing up that both she and Chloe wiped the floor with some 16 year old contestant. Um, okay? After the ceremony, Jill-Cher goes to confront Jabba the Lee about letting Kendall off "probation". They want on this team NOW. Too bad. Kendall and her mom have a little conversation and she begins to cry but Jabba the Lee shoots her down and she immediately sucks up those tears. I admire Kendall's fortitude, but she's still on probation.

Now it's time for the group routines! Fatty Lee gives the girls the standard group bashing and continues to yell at them WHILE they're rehearsing. Good God, lady, calm your tits! Brooke reminds us about how they're National Champions and there's more pressure on then and blah blah blah GET TO THE DANCING!
Mackenzie describes her role in the dance and how it's about being dolls and such but, as usual, she appears to not do much in the routine, which probably means she's only in it to bring down the group's age in order to get an easy win. It's not a spectacular number but do they win? Yup. The hard to please Jabba the Lee isn't impressed. She feels Brooke is too old to be cute (Nonsense, I'm practically a leader of that tribe) and that Nia wasn't dancing so it's clear Jabba the Lee has had a stroke between seasons. Why is she criticizing them WHEN THEY WON? She goes into a bitch fight with Kelly but I was distracted because I caught a glimpse of Gia the Assistant so I was relieved to know she hasn't totally disappeared. Oh, and during the fight, Kelly calls Jabba the Lee a "whore" where I both laughed and almost vomited thinking of JTL hooking on street corners and... well, you know hookers look like and do, PICTURE JABBA THE LEE DRESSED LIKE THAT AND DOING THOSE THINGS AND YOU'LL WANT TO STAB YOUR EYES OUT TOO. Christie ushers the kids out like a good mother/human being and Jill-Cher witnesses all this crazy. Even she and her non-expressive face knows that this should NEVER happen.

Well, that was an explosive opening. This season includes more bitch-fights, more Candied Assholes and, naturally, more Jabba the Lee and the Fatty Lee Dance Slaves Company.