ANTM All Stars: Always the Bridesmaid

MAN AM I FURIOUS. For starters, college is pissing me off (see the previous post). Two, WHAT THE HELL? And three, GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

Now, let's begin the fun...

It's the grand finale of this trainwreck of a cycle (just in time for finals too)! And, by the episode's end, one girl shall receive the title of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (with the unfortunate reminder of "All Star" after it) that eluded her in her cycle and one girl will be DISQUALIFIED (If you guessed that I was chanting Drunk Lisa's name for that, you are correct). Not only that, but I can finally get rid of the Word document on my laptop that I've been recycling titled "Wives and Lovers" (from the Project Runway recap from way back when). The remaining three chicas return to the model hotel room and engage in what appears to be a prayer circle and poor Pullip is smothered in a three way hug. We're all treated (ha) to some back stories. Drunk Lisa has had an abusive childhood and got some therapy for it (FROM DR. DREW WHO SHE NEVER MENTIONED AT ALL THIS CYCLE). She ultimately shatters whatever good will she had left by shilling about her new album and charity. THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR THAT.
As for Miss Crabby Ass? It's all about redemption! Yep, those clips of you freaking out will definitely help that cause. Again, we hear for the millionth time about growing up in the ghetto and being a "fighter".
Then we're treated to Pullip's back story. In a year, she's come a looooooong way. Her story is one that kind of hits close to home (yes, I've gotten over dead relatives on reality shows. For now anyway). It's been a very rough year for us her as she lost her father from cancer. Pullip's ambition is to not only work in front of the camera but behind it as well. You go girl!

Tyra Mail arrives in Greek and MCA once again proves her eerie skill of solving word puzzles by suggesting it means "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful". It scares me. Nevertheless, could it be... MAYBELLINE?! (Sad fact: I purchased the song immediately after that commercial aired) Of course it's Covergirl, whose fortitude with this show is remarkable. Drunk Lisa believes that MCA is now her competition... just how many times has this woman switched her major competition in this cycle (or, at least, was edited to)? Pick a chick and stick with it. Pullip astutely notes that each girl has different strengths to what this commercial calls for and at panel. To makes things just a smidge tougher, Paige Calli, Covergirl representative, is there to oversee the shoot. They're shooting for the Shadowblast line of makeup. The Greek salad photographer is back to shoot the commercial where it dawned on me (thanks to one of the contestants) that they haven't done any beauty shots this cycle... nor did teddy bear/my imaginary uncle Mike Ruiz ever appear. I'm a sad panda now.

Drunk Lisa, who MCA believes is her competition (WHO CARES?!) goes first and she looks like a hooker. Her eyes are pretty (*twitch*) but her speaking portion is really blah. Mr. Jay calls her a "used car salesman". Pullip looks fantastic for obvious reasons (mostly because she has the biggest canvases in the entire universe). We're treated to a blast from the past to her cringe-worthy Covergirl group commercial from her cycle. Let's hope she's improved since then. Miss Paige loves her eyes (hello client!) but they run into trouble when Pullip's eyes begin to tear up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! To compensate, Mr. Jay makes the creative executive decision to have her eyes closed the whole time... and it works! Her speaking portion is a bit dull until the editor uses her theme song instrumental in the background then it gets much better. MCA goes but I tuned her out when she said she'll make a better Covergirl model than the other two because she's "real", even when she has tourettes during the speaking portion of her commercial ("HOURS!").

Tyra Mail #2 arrives with a "Ciao Bella", leaving the girls to question Ty-Ty's intelligence for once as to why she's sending them mail in Italian. Turns out they're shooting their Vogue Italia cover shots at the stunning beach! Not much happens beyond Pullip turning it out and photos being taken.

Tyra Mail #3 comes on through and points out the obvious runway finale is up next. A sandal wearing Jay greets the girls and gives them a set of instructions on how to work this show which is slightly less shorter/comprehensible than the Constitution. It includes walking to their theme songs. Oye... In order to keep the show's results a mystery, Mr. Jay does the Project Runway approach and brings out the last three eliminated girls (Shannon, Dominique, and the ever radiant, bubbly and deserving winner Laura). WE FINALLY GET TO SEE THE DRESSES THESE GIRLS HAD DESIGNED. And... well, to be honest, Drunk Lisa's and MCA's are kind of weak titted. Drunk Lisa's could be replicated by tying a bed sheet around one's waist and hot gluing mirror shards to a camisole. MCA's isn't that much better. Pullip's dress is OUTSTANDING (it looks a bit like Kate Middleton's wedding dress but in a cream/peach color and less wedding-y. Still stunning). With the amount of times they're playing her instrumental, you would think that she was going to win. HOW LAUGHABLY WRONG.

Laura wants "Alli-Cat" to win, putting to shame my chosen nickname for Pullip (too late now). Shannon wants Drunk Lisa to win as Drunk Lisa is transformed into Kayla from Cycle 15. Dominique doesn't have a clear-cut choice but feels horrible for the judges. Miss J continues to his tradition of wearing a fashion abomination to the finale. MCA is worried about the swimming portion of the show and starts to cry and Drunk Lisa opens her yap. Even Mr. Jay changes into a toga for this show, which I think includes cirque performers.

Now, here's how the show works: First, the model takes a swim across a pool of water. Next, she steps into a hoop which rises to cover her body as she "transforms" into a goddess a.k.a. Hooked up on a harness in her goddess gown and fly for a bit. Then walk to the song. Drunk Lisa is up first. She feels she's deserving to win because she wants to be an inspiration "whether it be abuse or drugs". Ugh. In spectacular Drunk Lisa-fashion, she screws up the swimming portion by trying to show off and do a spin which makes her wig get stuck on her face... and she SWIMS INTO THE WALL. She reveals what really goes on for the goddess part: As soon as the hoop goes up, the wet girl sneaks out the back while a different model, who's already prepared (I think, in Drunk Lisa's case, Laura is used), is hooked up to the wire. During this time, the wet girl makes a marathon dash backstage to get changed, get dry and get back to get hooked up. Phew! So, no, they haven't achieved the ability to do this. For her walk, Drunk Lisa turns on the drag and does her best to not trip over her "dress". She has fun, naturally.

MCA's turn. She's doing this for her loved ones. She swims like a drunk fish. She has fun on the wire. She delivers another drag-worthy walk. What is Miss J doing?!

Pullip's moment! Blah blah deserving win blah blah. Man, she must have a set of lungs on her as she swims underwater (keeping to her theme song) the entire way. I'm impressed. Pullip's a teensy bit worried about the wind blowing her dress around but she goes in with gusto and FINALLY delivers a runway worthy walk (compared to the other two girls). After the show, Miss Crabby Ass isn't feeling so well after the show... but what? Is she sick? Drunk? Drugs? PREGNANT? WHAT. IS. GOING. ON?!

Well we won't find out because the next panel takes place in the LA location. APPARENTLY, Uncle Nigel and the network dug up some information that disqualifies one of the remaining three girls... who is MISS CRABBY ASS. I was gunning for Drunk Lisa but, hey, close enough (I'll get to conspiracy theories about this and the cycle in a future post). Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! So, months after filming has ended, the remaining two must re-shoot the entire thing.

The Last Breakdown:
Runway: Pullip did fantastic. Drunk Lisa's swimming was a mess but the audience liked her runway walk.
Covergirl Commercial: I didn't recognize Pullip's voice when her commercial aired. ALT continues his bitch pills overdose and knocks her on her speech patterns (WHAT speech patterns?). Drunk Lisa sounded kind of dull so I don't know how Uncle Nigel found it "fun". In a rare moment, Ty-Ty and I are on the same page as she isn't impressed (YEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!).
Covergirl Print: Pullip's ad is pretty but she looks like one of the Versace for H&M Models (blank expression and all). Drunk Lisa's looks mysterious, especially with one eye showing.

Time for the judges to review their bodies of work and the two stumble their way out of the room. Drunk Lisa has personality but has the presence of a train wreck. Pullip has a huge fanbase but is still a wallflower.

Part two of Modelland airs, which is basically the same footage as part one but with just the remaining two.
AND THE WINNER IS.... Drunk Lisa...

If you heard a very loud scream of anguish, that was me. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?! "The universe came around for me." WTH???? It's not made any better when Tyra describes her like this: "You are an original. You are an inspiration. You are an all star." SHE IS A DRUNK. I wouldn't want my kid to be original in that sense. I'd rather be original and not a drunk mess.

Well, that was one waste of a cycle. Let's hope the next cycle won't be as ridiculous, with a whole NEW batch of modeltestants who will be christened with ridiculous nicknames. Stay tuned for my "Conspiracies" post!

ANTM All Stars: WHEN TYRA BROKE MY HEART.

Last week was a recap episode and I figured that it'd be kind of pointless to recap a recap so I didn't. How dumb was I, for there was so much that we didn't get to see and how much I missed my gurl-fran Bre (especially with her strategy to force Bianca to do housework) and my girlfriend Kayla ("JEWS!") or Game possibly making designs to make Pullip his trophy wife. Or even Ms. Laura explaining the benefits of an orgasm to Shannon. But I digress...

TWO weeks ago, we bid a fond farewell to the curly mopped... uh, girl who wasn't memorable. What was her name again? Dominique? J-Lo? Yara Sofia? We (finally) are treated to an intro of sorts so I'm not entirely confused over why they just jump into the action. Well, that intro was more of a shill of what's to come. Oh sweet Jesus. The newly christened Miss Crabby Ass moans about being in the bottom for the FOURTH TIME (what's not clicking, Tyra?!) but continues her arrogant streak by proclaiming Dominique/Laquifa/Whatever her name was "a hater". Huh? Is she huffing Drunk Lisa's "Neon"? Speaking of, it's one of those rare moments of where MCA and I are almost on the same page, by that I mean it's Drunk Lisa's tendency to give her 2 cents for no apparent reason. She lost me on "2 cents and Bash Angelea Day". Hehe. I'll give her 2 point for that. Speaking of, Drunk Lisa talks but I ended up ignoring her (drink!) because I think she thought she was Dr. Drew.

Back at the Model Suite, Ms. Laura's photo is mirrored, making it look twice as awesome! Ms. Laura's happy! She talks about how close she came in the Midget cycle (she was runner up to Bloody Eyeball Nicole) and we're treated to home videos of her talking to cows. I really want her to win. But you'll get to see the impact of tonight's episode later. Drunk Lisa goes on to talk about how Ms. Laura is now her competition, but who cares about that. After footage of a gorgeous sunrise, the girls are greeted by Nigel for their challenge. Today, they will be auditioning for editor in chief/head zombie at Vogue Italia, Franca Sozzani. Since one of the ever growing prizes is to write a blog on Vogue's website, they're going to write a blog about how Greece has been to them thus far. Pick an outfit, get a car, travel to a nice location, take some pics (one with yourself in it), return, write, post. YOU HAVE THREE HOURS. Oh yeah, winner gets a week long trip back here with a friend. GO.

Well, Pullip is nervous (when isn't she?) since she's introverted and her cycle pretty much thrusted this into the limelight. MCA has never written a blog before but she plans to study broadcast journalism in college when she's done with the competition, proving models are not intelligent. Ms. Laura begins to worry as she's the last to leave (NO!) but she looks great. Luckily for her, she writes a blog already but it's mostly brief sentences and LOTS of pictures, not entirely like lengthy essays they're expecting at Vogue (or like these posts of mine). Drunk Lisa decides to showcase the clubs while Ms. Laura finds Pullip at the location she finds. Whatevs, she could've said, and shoots at the location anyway. Meanwhile, MCA finds the spot she can relate to the most: A ghetto. She points out she hasn't won a challenge yet but really hopes to win this one and also hopes people can relate to her blog post about living in the ghetto. As touching as that sounds, not *this* person. The girls return to type away but only moments later (on the TV, of course. Nigel isn't that cruel to pop in on the girls with 8 seconds left), Nigel enters, with Ms. Laura crying out the standard "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!". I really hope one of these entries they wrote ended something like...

"Greece is totally fun and everything. I mean, just look at the surroundings! And the fashion too! I'll tell you... crap Nigel's here and I have 8 seconds left. AH! Um.. wepgjinjtjhsklfjgsjofhpibjtiordlkfv,mfdkjhvstiuhjgsfkdl Tits."

Or even...

"I LOVE the surroundings, it reminds me of the time I lost my virgini"

Clearly, she meant "virginia tech sweatshirt at that restaurant", right? Okay, enough overactive imagination.


Tyra is really cruising for a bruising as she continues her shilling for her "fashion film" for her first novel "Modelland". This could prove interesting. And by interesting, I mean unintentionally hysterical. Or weak titted. Maybe the latter. Anyhow, Tyra Mail comes and it's pretty lengthy. WHAT COULD IT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNNN? And why is MCA wearing a hideous pink sun hat? Mr. Jay greets the girls at the location. Oh hey, you're doing a motion editorial directed by none other than Ty-ty herself. She's plans to bring her first book EVAH to life. Jay says that it's a bestseller or something. Really? Cause my aunt would've told me about it. And then we'd laugh really hard. Nevertheless, it's a happier book version of this show. The modeltestants shall be portraying the protagonist, Tooke (pronounced Too-key). And they will be shooting this in two days. Neat!

Now, for my brief Bitch Pills moment. Why do I get the sinking suspicion that whenever someone gets a hold of a fancy camera, they think they're film directors on the verge of fame? We've already seen the music videos which were painful to watch and now we have to put up with this? I mean, not even this crap is good (I went there for I'm bitter. Aw waaah). Can't she stick to photos? Rant over.

The women are dressed in yellow chiffon dresses with LONG trains. For her individual segment, Drunk Lisa is Tooke's mom, holding Tooke as a baby. I'd hate to admit it but she does pretty great. Then, Ms. Laura is Tooke digging through garbage and Jay is worried that it'll look comedic. Tyra called it Saturday Night Live. Isn't this shoot just that? Now Ms. Laura is in a goooooooooooorgeous white dress because Tooke's favorite thing to consume is demon semen whipped cream and she's kind of worried that it'll look to erotic. Yes Tyra, let's give HER the erotic one, since she can't possibly go home for doing that again. I CALL SABOTAGE. MCA whines about how much work they're doing (compared to the 14 hour days you would be doing in the real world?) and poor Pullip's vampire eyes cannot take the sun. She soon pretty much is typecast as a cat girl (it's bad enough my aunt thinks she's an anime character already) and eats blood oranges. Along with bleeding lips by makeup. Ms. Laura thinks this high fashion crap Tyra's attempting to do is right up Pullip's alley, which it is if it were someone else doing this.

MCA has an emotional moment and breaks down to embody Tooke behind a ladder with a golden toothbrush. Oooookay then. Some more "I'm a fighter" spiel and Tyra acclaims her acting. No offense, but models are not the greatest actors. Meanwhile, in Italy, Franca Sozzani judges the blogs and Nigel will reveal the winner later. Pullip's blog is too short, Ms. Laura's blog isn't that great, Drunk Lisa's blog is okay and MCA's blog is pretty faboo. Gee, I wonder who'll win this... Sometime later, Drunk Lisa continues to exist when Nigel pops into the room with a present in hand (an addition for the winner). To the surprise of no one but Drunk Lisa, MCA wins and the present is a goooooold crown of olive leaves thingy. MCA celebrates by continuing to be grating.

Day two of Modelland nonsense. Mr. Jay brings up that the girls will be working with another co-star. Hmm, I wonder who it will-- (drools when Mr. Jay introduces Tyson Beckford) Well, take a wild guess who wets her pants? If you guessed Miss Crabby Ass, you are correct. Although, to be fair, Ms. Laura jumps on this train as well. The girls give misconstrued confessionals which Pullip doesn't say anything beyond a schoolgirl giggle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand oh dear God, Tyra's acting in this too... as Tooke with her crush (I guess). Tyson makes ME wet my pants when he says "Hey Tooke". Tyra makes me cringe when she sucks on his thumb. The models head to the beach to shoot the race scenes as Ms. Laura announces "300! Woman style!" Her love meter jumps higher than ever for that. Her dress also gets stuck on the stairs and the poor girl is pulling it to shreds, making me hope that these things were cheap. In order to keep the unpredictability of who'll win high, all the girls shoot their "Finale Winner Reveal" shots and Pullip still suffers from the vampire eyes. She's worried about panel because of this. Tyra Mail of doom arrives and MCA believes she will win. Because we all know that she'll do fantastically as a correspondent given her Bitch Pills moment last week.

PANEL TIME! Everyone but Ms. Laura, a too-tanned Nigel, and hunky delicious dreamboat Tyson are dressed in hideous abominations. We learn that the video is split into two parts, so we'll be treated to part one tonight and part two next week, WHEN IT ALL ENDS (Thank God). The video isn't particularly spectacular, though, as usual, I WANT THE DAMN MUSIC. At the end, each girl (and Tyra) say "I'm (name) and I'm Tooke." Out of all of them, I only liked Ms. Laura's.

Breakdown:
-Miss Crabby Ass gets high marks except for the running bits where she looks really funny jogging.
-Ms. Laura does well too, save for the whipped cream bit. Tyson would love to work with her since she's so sunshiney.
-Pullip looks great in the video but Tyson doesn't like how she didn't really engage with the camera.
-Drunk Lisa did pretty well but I didn't care for her, as usual. Basically, she's scolded for getting so focused she forgets what she's doing.

Deliberations are blah as normal... until we find out they get into a bloodbath over who should be eliminated FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. Even Ken Mok, the producer, yells at them to make a decision. And I want to punch ALT's face so badly for being so snippy. Tyson begs Tyra to override the decision they made, which, as we all know, she refuses to do. THIS ISN'T A TYRANNY. Nevertheless, it spelled doom for my emotions since I could tell what was coming.

Drunk Lisa gets her pass, and so does MCA so Team Heel is through to the finale. Team Face? Come on down. Ms. Laura, you're bubbly and, damn it, she should stay since Tyson likes her so much but they worry that because she's a member of my tribe (The Tribe of the Cute People), she can't be as high fashion as she could be. Pullip, you're the total opposite. You're quiet, shy BUT you're quirky. Epecially since odd is SPECIAL. WHO WILL IT BEEEEEEEEEEE?!

Pullip, you're in.

Tyra has successfully ripped out the last shred of my heart, thrown it in front of a truck, ran over it repeatedly, threw it off a cliff and shot it. A devastated Ms. Laura is confused, but, in my book, at least she won't live with the shame of actually winning this ridiculous cycle. She gives an emotional farewell speech confessional but the mood is killed by her uppity music video. My life is over.

Next week: IT ALL ENDS.