It's the season finale! Hurrah! And the team is in New York for both the Joffrey Audition and another Starbound competition (also, I didn't get to watch the original broadcast so I had to wait until it's up onDemand. Grr!). First, I notice that ALL the moms have their shoes off in the rented studio. That's because we New Yorkers will choke a bitch (Namely Melissa) if shoes are worn on dance floors. Passionate about the arts and all. Anyway, Abby praises NY for churning out some of the best dancers EVER (why thank you!) and is the DANCE MECCA OF THE WORLD. She even tells the girls that everyone they passed on the streets probably have taken a dance class before. That's right, chicas, the bum that may or may not be dead and that crazy lady screaming Biblical phrases because she thinks she's the arm and sword of the Lord have probably taken dance classes. At the parking lot. Abby reflects on Michigan and how the team isn't going to win if they don't get their act together. She says they were sloppy (duh) and they really have to apply corrections.
Time for the last pyramid ceremony of the season, where Christi just oozes joy over the pyramid finding it's way to NYC. Paige is on the bottom for wasting time on the phone but applying corrections to her arms. Kelly is irritated that Paige doesn't get any credit for what she does which Abby, like a jackass, decides to applaud with an expression that just makes her look bitchy. Mackenzie is next for improvising in the trio. Abby tells her that it's okay to do that but you can never ever do that in a group because not everyone is going to follow. Mackenzie looks upset for doing that. Chloe rounds out the bottom because of the routine slip up and that she's ten, not seven. Sure. Nia is back in the middle for performing with an injury but she still lacks technique. Brooke is next because even though she did what she needed to do, it's just that and she needs to do more. However, Brooke confessionalizes that she would be giving a lot more but Abby monopolizes the other girls time so she's shafted. And Maddie's on top but no one cares, even if it's the fifth consecutive week.
Abby brings up the Joffrey Scout and tries to make it sound so exclusive despite the fact that IT'S AN OPEN AUDITION. She speaks of the history of the school, founded in 1953, and goes on to describe the OPEN audition. It's for the exclusive summer intensive program and scholarship that will be judged by three of the instructors at the school. Melissa is worried because the girls haven't received that much ballet training (my guess is because Abby keeps wasting time by having them learn acrobatics). So Abby will teach them a ballet combination but is shocked by the way that they're dressed. Um, they're ALWAYS dressed in crop tops and hot pants. If you're a dance instructor, you should at least have them dress in more tasteful, APPROPRIATE outfits. Unless it's another producer influenced factor that goes into this show like the pyramid. Abby wants the moms to go out to buy leotards and pink tights (traditional ballet wear) so they will look presentable for the audition. Chloe tells us that the audition is a huge deal and that these three judges are way more intimidating that 3,000 audience members. Chloe, never ever change.
The following day after the audition, Abby will be taking the team to compete at Starbound in New Jersey. The competition will be FIERCE (when isn't it?) but they have a reputation to uphold. They are THE reigning national champions (we get it). The group number is another slutty number set in a prison that will be a watered down take off of Chicago. It's going to be dark, avaunt-garde, and fun. Because those three words just totally mesh together. Paige finds the number weird because she has never been to the slammer before (and let's pray to God that never happens). As always, Chloe and Maddie will be getting solos: Chloe to prove herself from last time and Maddie because she's undefeated (so far). Christi thought Abby bit off more than she can chew last week with the trios, solos and group but THIS week with the competition AND the audition? She laments that Abby never focuses on one thing at a time while Abby doesn't want the kids to blow it.
In Ohio, the Candy Asshole tells the team that she "found out" (*cough* Melissa) that Joffrey is having open auditions. She thinks they're totally ready to take on Abby's team (but never brings up the other 19,990 dancers auditioning for the same thing). And, of course, they will also be competing at Starbound. Cathy thinks in her delusional world, where the sky has cotton candy clouds and blood is made of rainbows, Abby is still performing on a 1940's stage with her mother and that the Crapple's routine will be heartfelt this time. Now if only Cathy could have the common sense to realize WHO KEEPS WINNING (Give you a hint: It ain't you).
Two days to the audition, Abby teaches the ballet class to her girls. She's focused on two things: The audition and the competition the following day. Then she repeats some crap so I tuned her out while I watch the ballet
In Ohio, Cathy claims that the Candy Apples have a certain aura that surrounds them at competitions (yeah, the aura of "Who let the crazy bat out of the cage?") and thinks Kendall is totally ready to take on Abby's team and win that scholarship (again, she fails to recognize the other 20,000 dancers who will also be there). Kendall-Daria, however, is nervous because she's used to performing in front of audiences and not so much for three prestigious people. It's now time to witness Cathy's attempt at words. She tells Kendall that she has to rise to the occasion like how cream rises to the top and that they should be having lattes. Because that totally makes sense. Cathy then says how Kendall is the cream of the crop, but I think Cathy is more cream of the crap, if you ask me. Cathy Santorum, y'all (if you look up that word, you'll know why some refer to Rick Santorum as "Frothy Mix").
In New York, Abby rehearses the solos. Chloe will be doing a number inspired by the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, and Chloe is uber-excited about the dance, which made me go "Eeeee!" at her cuteness. Abby says that Chloe can relate to the evil aspect of playing darker characters very easily. She says while it's simple to be happy, positive characters, the darker ones provide a story to tell and this aspect is where Chloe shines the most. Maddie, however, only has a day to learn her solo, called "In My Heart". Unsurprisingly, Maddie loves the song and Abby basically choreographs the same ol' shit Maddie does in all her solos. She's having some issues and Abby tells us that there's a lot of pressure on her this week.
Two days till Starbound, the girls are dressed for success. Abby is sick and tired of not winning and they better do so this time. She tells the girls to get their dance bags and jazz shoes but, oops! Melissa left her kids dance bags in the lobby of the hotel! At least, that's the story she's telling us THIS week. She reverts to "neglectful mom" as Maddie flips out over the bags. Well, Mel Supersnatch won't have any of it. Abby is furious at both Maddie (shock!) for not being responsible and at Melissa for being a dumbass. Well, Melissa does what she does best and storms out of the studio. Christi, picking up on New York wisdom (or general common sense. Whichever works better), says that if Melissa was smart (let's laugh that out of our system, shall we?), she could have run down the street and bought another pair. I mean it's NEW YORK. Dance stores are like coffee shops (or they are in Abby's eyes). Abby snipes at Melissa for the mistake, but Melissa, like a swinging door, just lets that go in and go out... eew, nasty mental image... ANYWAY, Abby wants the girls to be nasty jailbirds ("Rae'Chelle" would've given them a few pointers). Mackenzie's giggling just screams a raging bull named Dylan. Well, Chloe confessionalizes that they'll just focus on the dance rather than the characters and theme because it's way too uncomfortable for them to handle. And then Abby yells some more about the audition and we're done.
Just when I think it's time for the audition (curse you, 90 minute finales...), it's time for the Moms mealtime chat. Because Melissa would have to sue the entire restaurant for not cooking her steak medium rare, it's just our gals Kelly, Christi and Holly enjoying their feast. Christi tells us that she thinks the dance is a hot mess and that she's in dance jail (a common phrase she uses. Make that a t-shirt!). She has never been this stressed before and the other moms feel the same way. Holly decides to shift the conversation in another direction and focuses on the all important AUDITION. She says that it's hard for all involved and that she's not expecting Nia to get that scholarship BUT, like the wonderful woman that she is, she's still going to be supportive of Nia because this is means something for her. Kelly moves the conversation to the bags and that she swears she heard Maddie that morning ask her mom about the bag. Then she jokingly suggests that Christi stole the bag so they'd get in trouble. Or something, I have no idea, but they all laugh about it.
At long last, it's finally time for THE AUDITION. We're reminded that 20,000 dancers audition for this summer intensive and Christi obviouses that this is a huge deal, considering ballet is pretty much the foundation of dance. No time to panic because, lookie, the Crapples are here! Christi does the most spectacular Crazy Bitch Cathy Hannigan impersonation while Kelly thinks that Cathy should get a life and stop following the team around (or, in other terms, stalking and that's when restraining orders should be warranted). Busted Tarsol Taylor is also there with them, probably in support but I think that's a little cruel, to watch your team members take a shot at something you had the opportunity to try out for. Note that I didn't say "and win".
From what we see, the audition has a solo audition aspect to it and Paige is one of the first girls to go in. She likes the piece Abby whipped up for her and she does okay but I notice something very wrong very fast: These girls are doing gymnastics and competition choreography for A BALLET COMPANY. Brooke proves my rage for Abby's ignorance by thinking this is just a typical cattle call by saying that while she can pull out the tricks, she isn't sure if the judges are going to like them since it's not ballet. And her words ring true as the female judge tells her that she is not a fan of tricks. Nia auditions and Holly's so incredibly nervous that she jokingly asks for a bucket while pacing around. My nightmare continues as Nia does the death drop and Mackenzie does gymnastics and shakes her booty. After Macks' audition, the younger male judge compliments her gymnastics but he says, and I quote, "Whoever told you to shake your bum bum is a dum dum!" Mackenzie's response/sound bite? "Hey! Abby told me to shake my bum bum and I shook it very well
The Candy Apples audition and they're as much of a trainwreck as Abby's girls, but worse. Again, some of the Apples, like Justice, do gymnastics/acro/whatever the fuck it's called or lyrical pieces but none ballet. The judges are on my side as finally, FINALLY, they criticize the ridiculous over-the-top bordering on drag make up of one of the girls. NEW YORKERS KNOW THEIR SHIT. Kendall goes next and Jill-Cher speaks so, naturally, I tuned out what false hope she has for her kid. The judges liked her arms but that's all we get out of that audition.
Chloe's up next and Christi gives her one of her famous pep talks. Christi confessionalizes that she getting tired of the Chloe/Maddie showdown while Chloe notes that it's every man for themselves. I hold my breath as Chloe performs and she's beautiful. Especially since she's doing BALLET for the Joffrey BALLET school. The judges critiques are that she has a God given gift and she looks natural (as I sob) but she should probably take more ballet classes. Chloe is a bit nervous hearing that, since the girls don't take ballet as often now and that no one knows exactly what they want. Maddie pretty much repeats that, with the addition of her being nervous following Chloe. In true Maddie fashion, she does anything but ballet and tries to suck up to the judges, but it's way too lyrical. The judges tells her that she's a great performer but she needs to be a DANCER. It's official: I want to study with the Joffrey School of Ballet because the judges and I are on the same page. The female judge tells her that she wished Maddie took more pauses so her body could finish. The younger male judge asks her to go on releve, and she looks kind of sloppy doing it. She goes out to tell Abby that they thought she has great potential, but it's becoming clear that she's slowly becoming Blanche DuBois.
After the solo audition, Cathy probably had a stroke (since she has to be 73) and forgot where she was because she and Jill-Cher start a pissing match with Abby about the latter's training RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. Cathy thinks Abby thinks that she's the dance overlord and can waltz into anywhere with the ultimate knowledge of it but I was trying not to throw my drink at the television. Meanwhile, I found out the real name of the cool Candy Apple Mom (Tanya. HI!!!) by not reading through Christi's Twitter. As the dancers do the technique exam, Cathy continues to want to make everyone punch her in the face, including the Candy Apple moms, as she gets into a screaming match with EVERYONE. Christi says Cathy can't behave like a human being as the bitch attacks Christi's hair for no reason. Even Abby tries to whack some common sense into her by saying they're at a professional audition but Cathy's too stupid to live. It gets so bad that the older male judge stops the technique exam to castigate all the adults for behaving like such immature people. Cathy talks over him, trying to blame the others like a girl lying to her momma, and Christi is absolutely mortified. Abby's embarrassed by Cathy's unprofessionalism but I was too busy bowing in the presence of the Joffrey judge, who takes that moment to tell the dancers to never let bad influences like them affect what they want to do and what they should be doing now. Paige is frustrated with the adults and wishes that they would never act like that again. Oh Paige, we know that won't happen anytime soon but it's the thought that counts.
It's now competition time as Abby is still riding the crazy train by making it seem that winning the nationals last season seem like a big deal. However, Holly says that this annoyingly constant reminder is just putting that much pressure on the kids. Elsewhere, Cathy preps the Crapples who look a good 20 years older than they should be. Kelly thinks the group piece is a mess and Paige worried about the pressure Abby is putting on them. The jail dance is up first and, frankly, it looks really dumb. The girls, unfortunately, look like sleazy slabs of jailbait. Poor Holly never wanted to imagine what her kid would look like behind bars so she's just going with the notion that this is just a character piece. Cathy says the obvious that it's a bad take off of Chicago, but, if anyone should know anything about cheap knock-offs, it should be Cathy.
The Candy Assles go next and Cathy strives for perfection. If by perfection she means Vivi (FREE VIVI!!!!!!) just standing there doing shit while the rest of the team does some random movement, then, yes, it's perfect
Awards for the group is just pitiful to watch. Our jailbirds get TENTH place and the Assles get NINTH by just one point. In other words, they were equally horrible. But Cathy's ectastic by her epic failure and cheerfully exclaims "Every dog has it's day!" That's right Cathy. And if there's something wrong with the bitch, then there's something wrong with the pup. And I really hope your beard of a husband is keeping you on one mighty short leash. It doesn't take much to please her mediocrity. She then goes to rub it in by going into the ALDC dressing room and condescendingly saying "Congrats on getting TENTH". Hey, Sucky Sewer Spoiled Superbitch, you came in NINTH. That's not a first place win. So, as far as I'm concerned, you're still a talentless hack. In all this, Abby calls her Satan and breaks down completely. Holly graciously thanks them (even if Cathy has the personality of a snatch, like Melissa) and Mackenzie shouts "BYE!" as they leave. Abby sobs about her reputation being ruined but, as we all know, she screwed that up fabulously with this show. Need she remember the Vegas Showgirls routine?
Not to worry, good times are here again! Although briefly. Christi receives a phone call from one of the Joffrey people telling her Chloe was accepted to the summer intensive! Actually, she was practically on the top of the list so whoo hoo!!! But WAIT, don't put on your party hats just yet. While it's wonderful news, it's a little unfortunate that this happens (conveniently, Mr. Producers) with the whole team in the room. Christi knows that it's tough for Chloe to not be completely excited because everyone wanted this chance, but only one of them got it. Luckily, Chloe is smart enough to not rub it in their faces. That's because she's a good girl. Maddie Blanche DuBois, on the other hand, kind of begins to lose her shit juuuuuust like the character I paired her with. She's upset that she didn't get the scholarship and that she deserved to be on top. WHOA that was uncalled for. She begins to be a little brat towards her mother, who in turn treats her like a good mother, and by good mother, I mean a la Joan Crawford. They have a bitchfest behind the changing curtains, totally ignoring Mackenzie (you know, her other daughter) as Melissa begins listing days that Maddie won't be allowed to use her phone, which goes to about 15 days. Christi can tell just how devastated Maddie must be, and Holly knows that this is tough but it's still life, but Melissa ruins it and won't put up with the brat she raised.
However, a few days after the episode aired, I decided to look around the rumor mill on the internet to learn that, aside the fact that the whole emotional scene was most likely staged, Maddie was also offered a scholarship, as confirmed by Twitter. But why the scene? As it turns out, allegedly, Maddie was offered one for an inclusive, shorter intensive, which probably made her feel, well, left aside. At least, that's what I've read. More Maddie issues coming up.
Solos. Kendall-Daria rehearses her Queen of Hearts dance (that clearly wasn't relayed to Cathy by Melissa/Producers) but is freaking out because the costume doesn't fit her very well and that it's too tight. Hey, Princess Grace who runs the Dance Studio, don't you have
Kendall is up first and Christi is livid by Cathy copying Chloe once more. She says this in a tone that I usually have when you can just tell I'm about to choke a bitch and I'm desperately trying to remain calm. In other words, Christi has had enough. Cathy talks about one-up-manship and Jill-Cher talks about going through (self caused) hell and back as Kendall performs kind of meh-ish. The greatest part? Seeing her skirt shift itself so it's on backwards at the end of the dance. Abby needs to throw in some random literary reference so she shouts, "Off with her head!" Yours too? Maddie feels the pressure of being a national title holder and goes to perform her solo. It's all standard Maddie dancing that we've seen in virtually every number she does until, for no reason, she flips out and darts off the stage. Maddie has a panic attack and the nice gentleman of a stagehand tries his damndest to calm her down. She begs to go again (I'm getting there in a minute) as Melissa charges in backstage, calling the competition people "assholes". That real professional, bitch. Kelly feels horrible for the kid because of the pressure Abby and Melissa keep putting on her. Elsewhere, Chloe, hearing the chaos occurring backstage, is starting to worry...
Chloe as the Queen of Hearts performs and it's no contest: Miss Thing is miles better than Kendall. While everyone is enjoying the piece and Chloe kicking ass, Christi spots the one fly in the chardonnay: Abby sobbing for no reason (again, more on that later). Christi then brings up one of Abby's favorite catchphrases to find the irony of it all, "Save those tears for your pillow." Chloe is beyond phenomenal but Christi notes the double standard being set for the girls forgetting the solos. In the season one, Paige forgot, Chloe forgot, and Nia forgot in season two and Abby did nothing but berate them but Maddie? She's crying like a baby. Chloe, a veteran of knowing how it feels to bomb a solo, feels horrible for Maddie since she's been there before. Melissa is worried (so she says) because Maddie believe Abby is going to hate her for forgetting the solo. But, no, Abby says something about not making excuses and hugs Maddie as she collapses in her arms. Mackenzie just sits there observing the scene/being ignored as Abby pulls out some words out of her ass about how perfectionists don't work as often when they grow up. Abby hopes this incident will cause the moms to back off a little.
Time now for more Maddie-Drama bullshit. According to a clip Lifetime posted, one of the competition people did offer a hyperventilating Maddie a second shot but Abby refused, because she the all ruling queen of competition dancing, saying that she won't allow second chances (so Nia was a fluke?). The morons running this show will do anything to stretch the truth just to pull in some viewers.
The rest of the team arrives to cheer Maddie up but Abby won't allow it. That's the final straw for my heroine Holly. She's had enough of all the drama Abby brings about, especially now has she has a pity party for herself because her prize student forgot a solo but did squat when everyone else did. Luckily, Gia! arrives in time to gather the girls for the awards. The moms (not including Melissa, obviously) try to talk some sense into the big black raincloud, which doesn't work of course. Holly then leads the attack when she calls Abby out on not caring about the other children as much as she does Maddie Blanche DuBois. She says, "It is not the way you teach for ALL. It's not equal." I really wish Holly would run for president. Kelly somberly asks why Maddie? Kelly's kids have been with the company since they were 2. Kelly herself has associated herself with the company for 30 years (she danced with the ALDC until she was around 14). Holly notes that, for once, Abby is speechless because someone else has called her out. The moms, fed up with everything, simply leave to attend the awards ceremony, while Abby just breaks down completely. Now, I get that being humiliated is one thing but I don't think she would be this upset about a solo flub. There's something we just don't know about, as always.
Time for the solo awards. Jill-Cher talks about she thought Kendall-Daria was a star (questionable) while Christi knows that Chloe was amazing (fact). As it turns out, Kendall only placed seventh (no surprise there) and Jill-Cher is surprised that she didn't place in the top five. I had to place my eyes back in their sockets because I rolled them too hard. As for Chloe? She won first overall!!!! Chloe's relieved because she hasn't won first in a while. Honey, you can breathe easy again. Like any parent, Christi is proud of Chloe but, like any normal human, she's disgusted that Abby had the nerve to blow off this award ceremony. Holly brings up the whole "Tears in your pillow" approach and finds Abby hypocritical. Abby takes this moment to be a ruthless bitch and "ask for the paddle" by bending over, scarring my mind, and show the nation just how big her posterior is. Oh, NO WAY, Holly's going to use her best weapon in her arsenal: Words. Christi knocks Abby about all this nonsense about acting professional and here she is acting immature. Holly finds Abby's behavior unbelievable and that this isn't right. Meanwhile, everyone attempts to celebrate Chloe's win, who, up until this point, has been acting like a proper young lady and kept quiet. Of course, Abby is acting like a ninny, bringing up another Christi and her "Enough" tone confessional, sarcastically bringing up how there's no favoritism from Abby. Nope. Clearly none at all.
And that's when Abby decides to randomly announce, "See ya on the flip side!" And proceeds to leave. The moms are now utterly confused. Except for, of course, Melissa the Snatch. She casually lets them know that Abby's leaving at that moment (no shit, Sherlock, but WHY?). Holly has lost a lot of respect for Abby now. Christi finds it ridiculous that Abby is running away from everything. Outside, Abby cryptically tells them that their kids will be just fine without her for a while and gets into a taxi. Kelly closes the episode expressing shock over Abby's behavior.
Well, that sure was some emotionally driven episode. BUT, again from the rumor mill, Abby's emotional outbursts weren't necessarily spurred by all things Maddie Blanche DuBois, but that her mother is back in the hospital. But all these odd occurrences won't be resolved until the next season airs in June (hopefully). DAMN IT.
And so another season is over and done with, but at least I'm so glad we had this time together with the ALDC girls: Paige the Irrelevant, Nia the Fighter, Brooke the Misunderstood Teen, Mackenzie the Adorable, Maddie Blanche DuBois, and Chloe the Dreamdancer.
And of course the moms: Kookoo Kelly, Melissa Supersnatch, Holly the Magnificent and Christ, Queen of the Quips.
But definitely not the Crapple's main leader, Crazy Bitch Cathy Hannigan. FREE VIVI!!!
And how I won't miss the screams of Abby "Jabba the" Lee Miller.
Until June!
